When Angels Fall
By Z.A. Maxfield
Copyright 2010 Z.A. Maxfield
Cover Art by Lex Valentine at Winterheart Design
Smashwords Edition
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
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Once, you asked me what manner of being I am. I told you then, because you could never understand, I simply am.
I am lighter than air. I am denser than gold. I am taller than your largest building, and I can fit inside the crystalline structure of the finest flake of snow. I am immense, yet I could dance with my peers on the head of a pin.
But I won’t.
Dancing on the heads of pins seems like an extraordinary waste of time, unless you ask it of me.
I suppose it never occurred to you that I do everything you ask of me and more because in all the worlds you are the only one to whom I will ever say, “I am yours.”
Why?
When you were very young you found a yellow pup and coaxed it to you, luring it with soft sounds and gentle hands. You knew everything it would ever be, just as I know the whole truth of you. You didn’t wait for him to grow or prove himself; you simply knew that you would be there for him in all his moments, from the first time he pushed his damp black nose into your palm to the very last time he lifted his gray muzzle from his paws and you saw farewell in his sad brown eyes.
This is what you are to me. You are mine. I have foreseen it.
My peers are everywhere around me, just as yours surround you. Waking, sleeping, working, playing. Yet in the entire universe there is only we.
And today… Since you’ve chosen today --this very moment-- to step through a rotting board and slip into an abandoned mine, this is the day we begin…
~*~
When Kip hit the damp ground beneath what appeared to be a hole of rotting wood planks and thin earth, he got the breath knocked out of him so hard that he guessed he’d blacked out. The next thing he knew he was leaning against something warm and soft, and emitting what sounded like frightened huffs of breath.
Kip wanted to find out what he was up against, but he could barely see. A clumpy ceiling of mud held together by roots that dangled from it like strings in the dim light that filtered through the place where he had fallen. It didn’t make sense. He sat upright and looked behind him. There, a boy about his age sat at his back, supporting him while he’d been lying there unconscious. They stared at each other while their eyes grew accustomed to the darkness.
The boy gazed down at Kip without much expression at all. “You fell,” he said evenly. A frown creased his forehead and his eyes narrowed. “Does anything hurt?”
“I…” Kip pushed slowly to his feet. He took a brief inventory of sensation. The air smelled funny and the mud baffled any sound from above ground, but nothing seemed to hurt. “I don’t know.” He tested his legs and looked around in the gloom. On the ground his backpack and insulated vinyl cooler lay where he’d obviously landed. “I must have fallen on those.”
“Yes, I’m sure that’s exactly what happened,” the boy said dryly, giving him a look he couldn’t read as he climbed stiffly to his feet. He moved carefully, testing his legs and stretching out his arms. At one point he uttered a sharp exclamation in some language that Kip had never heard before.
“I’m Chemuel.”
Kip faced him and held out his hand. “My name’s Kipling Rush. You can call me Kip.”
“Hello Kip.” Chemuel took the hand he’d been offered with a warm, firm grip.
Kip pumped his new friend’s hand a few times then dropped it. “What do they call you?”
The boy frowned again. “They call me Chemuel.”
Kip shook his head. “You must spend a lot of time with your head shoved in a toilet. Can I call you something else? How about… Crash. Can I call you Crash since we both sort of crashed here?”
“You may call me whatever you choose.” Crash gave him a smile so warm Kip felt like he’d put on a sweatshirt. “I’d like to be called Crash.”
“I haven’t seen you around school before.” Kip studied Crash, who wore a pair of new, dark blue jeans and a polo shirt. He looked like a lot of the kids from school, but his polo shirt wasn’t the uniform burgundy with the crest on the pocket required of all Oak Crest Academy students. Kip knelt down to take stock of the things in his backpack and lunch bag. “What grade are you in? I’m in Mrs. Clepper’s fifth grade class at Oak Crest. She’s young and pretty so everyone likes her.”
“I don’t go to your school,” Crash told him, kneeling awkwardly beside him. “What are you looking for, tools?”
“Tools?” Kip blinked up at Crash and his hands stilled.
“Yes. In your rucksack. Do you carry rope? Matches?”
“Oh, yeah.” Kip grinned. “No. But I have Oreos.”
“Oreos?” Crash frowned at him again.
Kip wondered if Crash was simply a frowny kind of guy; some kids were like that. All gloom and doom and what’s-the-point. “Yeah. Here.” He gave Crash a handful of cookies. He found a juice box and some water, so he decided he would ask. “Do you want juice or water?”
Crash looked at the cookies in his hand. “Water, please.”
“Here.” Crash gave him the bottle. “That one hasn’t been opened – no germs.” He tried to stab the straw into his juice box but it crumpled the first few times. When he looked back up, Crash still stared at his Oreos as if he’d never seen one before, and Kip thought maybe Crash hit his head when he fell.
“It’s okay to eat those, I have plenty.”
“That’s not…” Crash looked at him. “What are they?”
Kip gazed at him sadly. “Dude. You are totally homeschooled aren’t you?”
“I’m what?”
“This is an Oreo cookie. A chocolate sandwich cookie with something called stuff inside. You can get them in different flavors but my dad always says you can’t beat the classics.”
“Oh, I see. It’s a food.”
“It’s the food, Crash. I’ll bet wars have been fought over these. Or Fig Newtons.”
Crash brightened. “I know what figs are. And Newton. Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night; God said, ‘Let Newton be’ and all was light.” Crash chuckled. “That Pope.”
Kip didn’t get it. “Which Pope?”
“Samuel Pope.” Crash explained. “He said that. About Newton.”
“Ah.”
Crash seemed fascinated by his cookies so Kip took pity on him. “Like this, see? You break them apart by twisting, then lick.”
“Sweet,” Crash observed when he did the same.
“My mom says they’re nothing but sugar and pig fat.”
Crash’s eyes widened as he nearly gagged. “Pig fat?”
“Not really, though. You’re probably a vegan huh, or eat macrobiotic food? Kenji Sarukowa in my class eats macrobiotic.”
“Sometimes it seems to me that you aren’t speaking English.”
“That’s probably because you don’t get out much.”
Crash laughed at that. “Do you have anything in there that might be useful?
“I carry my books in my backpack. Papers, pencils. Crayons.”
“Pretty soon it’s going to be dark.”
“I know that, I have my cell phone, and it has a little light that we can see by.”
Crash snorted. “And how will that help you when it gets cold? Surely you can’t expect it to keep you warm? Its glow gives off no heat at all.”
“Are you kidding me?” Kip looked at Crash again, peering at him through the shadows. “Probably not, huh?”
“No.”
Kip reached for his phone and opened it, sliding the keyboard out so the screen lit up and he got his first really good look at the boy he’d named Crash. His first conclusion --that the strange boy had to be Amish or something-- seemed to be corroborated by his weird perfection. It almost hurt to look at him. Kip stared at Crash in awe. “Dude.”
“Dude, again. What do you mean when you say that?”
“I can see why it might be hard for you in public school. You’re learning English as a second language plus you’re as pretty as a girl. If you went to my school Sean Velasquez would run you up the flagpole in your underwear.”
Crash stared at him with wide gray eyes.
Kip’s voice rose. “Crash. When you fell, did you hit your head?”
Crash growled, “I’m right here. I can hear you fine. I just wish I could understand you.”
Kip stopped what he was doing when understanding dawned. “You’re scared, aren’t you, Crash?”
“No.”
“’Cause it’s okay if you’re frightened. I mean-- it’s a dark and kind of scary place. How long have you been down here?”
“A while,” Crash seemed reluctant to talk about it. “But I’m really not frightened.”
“All right.” Kip dismissed his denial. If Crash didn’t want to admit he was scared, it was no big deal. If he didn’t have to keep up a brave front for Crash he’d probably be scared too. “I didn’t even know this place was here. I come home this way every day.”
“I know.” Crash told him. “I watch you. I could see that one day you’d simply step on the wrong board and fall through.”
“Jeez! If you could see that, then why didn’t you say something?”
Crash shrugged his shoulders.
“Is that one of those immigrant things? Were you afraid to talk? First thing we’re going to do is work on your language skills.”
“My—”
“Hold on, Crash, I got this.” Kip turned his back, holding his phone out to squint at it. “Cool. We’ve got three bars.” He could feel Crash’s fathomless gray eyes boring into his back.
“Three bars? Does that mean we won something?”
Kip ignored him. “Hello? Mom, you won’t believe this…”
~*~
How shall I describe it? Once I stared into the void. Once I gazed upon the very spark of creation. Even then the idea of you was in my imagination.
Yet as easily as if you found a shiny pebble -- as effortlessly as plucking a stone off the ground and placing it your pocket -- you pulled me into the immensity that is your human spiritt and made me whole. That day, when I gave up everything to break your fall, you caught me.
Even years later, even after I’d made my home securely in your heart, I had no idea what that could mean to me…
~*~
Crash pushed his body harder than he ever had. He ran as fast as he could, cursing the limitation of lungs, the pitiful skin sacks that pulled air into his chest and refined it, and heart, the pump that sent oxygen through his blood to his muscles. He railed against the meaningless restrictions of natural law. He’d given his all, as always, but as he tore through the empty campus he feared the consequences of being even seconds late. He reached the science building barely in time to throw open the door before the buzzer.
During school, when students broke free of their classes and ran pell-mell through the hallways, the place thrummed with energy and laughter. Now, during winter break it was as deserted as an ancient tomb, open only to those who really had no business being there, and Kip, of course, whose job it was to lock it up after he fed the laboratory animals. Crash took the stairs two at a time and pelted for the lab, knowing exactly what he’d find there.
“HEY!” he shouted, shoving aside three beefy boys. He used the precious adrenaline that seemed to flow from his fear to his fingertips as he fought for possession of the man they held down between them. For the love of heaven, they’d already begun to tear Kip’s clothes off. He’d almost got there too late after all. “I’ve already informed campus security and they’re on their way. Leave him alone or I’ll—”
“Or you’ll what,” snarled a boy with short spikes for hair.
Crash stood his ground, vibrating with such rage it made the very air around him crackle. Kip’s attackers looked at one another. They took several steps backward. Crash smiled his most beautiful --and therefore his most alarming-- smile.
I’ve still got it.
Crash held his hand out to help Kip from the floor.
Kip drawled, “Or he’ll tell you long, drawn-out stories in Latin until you drop dead of boredom, that’s what.” He got shakily to his feet. “Crash? Meet Bullies. Bullies, Crash.”
The three boys who’d attacked Kip seemed to lose their nerve, possibly because they believed the lie he’d told about campus security. It was a tremendous relief when they fled. Crash let out a shaky breath. Kip was safe and the threat, gone.
A useful thing, adrenaline, but it had its drawbacks.
“Those were not merely bullies. They intended to ravish you.”
“Ravish? No need to take on like someone’s Victorian auntie.” Kip refused to meet his eyes. “I doubt it would have come to that.”
Kip’s legs trembled, but as always he didn’t show his fear. He walked past Crash to wash his hands in a show of bravado that nearly made Crash cry. When Kip kept washing and steam rose from the sink to fog the mirror, Crash was reminded of Lady Macbeth.
“How did this happen?”
Kip was silent, even when Crash pulled him away from the sink and gave him a towel.
“Tell me.”
“I told you I went to a club last night, right?” Kip pulled a cigarette from a pack in his pocket and lit it with hands that still shook.
Crash reached out and grabbed the cigarette away. “And I told you. You may not smoke.” Crash frowned when Kip surrendered without a fight. “You went dancing with Stacey, didn’t you?”
“Not exactly.” Kip turned and sat in a rolling chair behind a computer, making notes, still avoiding his eyes.
“What do you mean not exactly.”
Kip put up a token resistance. “You’re not my mother.”
“No.” Crash agreed. “I’m not your mother.” He sat down beside Kip and waited patiently, which he knew Kip hated. Kip despised patience in any form.
Kip sighed and rolled his head. Crash swiveled Kip’s chair around and began to massage his shoulders before he even thought about it, using his strong hands to knead the ropy muscles that ran down Kip’s neck and across his back. They probably burned with agony as he dug into knots that felt like acorns, but Kip leaned into his touch as if it were hot water.
“That’s good.”
Crash said nothing, merely continued to push with his thumbs, relaxing Kip’s still tense body until he chose to break his silence.
“I went to a club alone. The one on 19th Street. Pulse.”
“Pulse?” Crash tried to hear what Kip wasn’t saying. “What happened there?”
“I danced.” Kip hissed when Crash pressed his elbow into the knot just below his shoulder blades. “I met someone I thought was nice and we went outside for a smoke.”
“I hate that you do that.”
“I know.” Kip swallowed hard. “Prepare to hate this even more. I didn’t just go outside to smoke. The person I met was hot.”
“I see.” Crash’s hands stopped moving.
“I thought—” Kip slumped into Crash’s touch, silently asking for it to continue, like a dog that wanted to be scratched. “I thought we had something going. It turned out it was all some sort of awful prank and I ran away.”
“You didn’t tell me.” Crash’s heart slammed into the bones that surrounded and protected it, very much like it had when he’d run. He’d always found the sensation interesting. Apparently it happened for a number of different reasons. Like now, when he realized he’d been inadequate in his care of Kipling Rush. “How could I not know about this?”
“I didn’t want to tell you.” Kip didn’t turn. “I thought maybe you’d rather not know.”
Hmph. “And?”
“It was one of those guys. He came with his friends tonight to finish what we started.”
Crash’s blood went cold and he wondered if there were times when the pump in his chest stopped altogether. “I don’t think I comprehend.”
Kip rolled his chair out of reach. “There was a kind of scavenger hunt. Like a game. I found about it from a friend, later. They broke up into groups of three with a list of things to get, and the first team back would win.”
Crash shook his head, still not able to understand. “But what did they want?”
“The list apparently said blowjob from a queer.”
“But,” Crash blinked. “That’s…”
“Over.” Kip waved off Crash’s outrage. “It’s over now.”
“But did… Did you want…?”
Kip lifted his chin and finally, finally looked directly at Crash. “I did. Yes.” Kip moved suddenly, gripping Crash by his upper arms. “Look. I’m sorry I never told you. You’re my best friend and I didn’t want things to get weird between us.”
Crash stared at him. “News flash…”
“Yeah. Okay. I get that it’s weird now.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want it to ruin our friendship.” Kip pushed a hand through his hair. “But I don’t want to have to hide who I am all the time either. I can’t see it making a difference but if it does, that’s your damn problem, not mine.”
“If you recall, I asked you to make all your problems mine.” Crash thought he knew every emotion that could play over Kip’s face but he couldn’t begin to fathom what he saw there right then. His heart sank as he realized Kip didn’t trust him with his truth. “Didn’t you have faith that I could see past that?”
Kip’s voice, when he finally spoke, came out small. “I guess I… maybe not.”
“I did not foresee this,” Crash said, more to himself than Kip. “I thought I knew what all your possibilities could be.”
“What?”
“Nothing.” Crash leaned back against the counter. “So when you want to meet someone you go to this place, this Pulse?”
“Yes. And it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change anything. Not between us.” Kip turned away and picked up his sweatshirt, apparently done for the evening, both at the lab and with the conversation. “I’m just getting ready to lock up.”
“All right.” Crash followed him.
Kip turned off the lights, closed the door behind him, and fumbled for his keys. At the last minute he seemed to change his mind. “I don’t go to Pulse often. I never really meet anyone. Sometimes a parking lot hook-up.”
“Kip—”
Kip held his hand up. “Before you ask, I always have safe sex. I don’t plan on getting a disease and anyways, normally tricking isn’t really my thing.”
“Kip—”
“Hear me out, alright? Sometimes I get a little lonely, and I think why not, you know?” He turned the key in the lock and tugged it hard to make sure. “I’m a junior in college. I work hard. I get good grades. I just want a little fun.”
Crash stopped him so they were eye to eye. “Kip—”
Kip let out a long shuddering sigh. “Please don’t lecture. It’s not like I’m playing Russian roulette or shopping the after Christmas sale at Macy's. I don’t even hook up, half the time. I just—”
Crash covered Kip’s mouth with his own. It was a move guaranteed to stop him from talking, but beyond that, it was something he’d always wanted to do but had never dared.
Crash experienced his own surprise. His heart --which had already had such a busy night-- had only just begun it work. It thudded loudly in his ears and seemed to throb in his groin. He backed Kip up to the door they’d just firmly locked and held him there, teasing and tasting and testing the limitations of their new connection.
Kip pressed both hands to Crash’s chest, at first to push him away, which Crash didn’t allow, and then to grab the lapels of his jacket in order to hang on. Crash found a way to wedge his knees between Kip’s, pushing his feet apart, and before he knew it they were cock to cock.
“Crash.” Kip still struggled weakly. “Don’t do this.”
Crash stopped, but didn’t move away, he lifted his head. “You want me to stop?”
Kip shook his head as if to clear it. “Just tell me why?”
Crash was unable to find words.
Kip pushed past him for real, and Crash let him, following at a discreet distance, knowing he’d messed up, knowing he had to do something, but his body was vibrating with something he’d never felt before and he couldn’t think.
When Kip got to the outer doors he looked back. In that moment he looked so devastated, so completely alone, that Crash took a chance that he could find the right thing to say if he simply tried. “I knew there would eventually be somebody.”
Kip turned his body and folded his arms, waiting.
“I knew that you’d want someone, someday.” Crash swallowed. “I never foresaw that it could be me. I never imagined… But—”
Kip shrugged and started walking again.
“Kip.” Crash nearly wept with frustration. There was a time when his voice had held a beauty so powerful --so deep and resonant-- that it made humans fall to their knees. Now he pushed air through folds of flesh, mucous membranes, he’d read, to vibrate them. No matter how hard he tried, he could never convey what was in his heart. “I really, really wanted it to be me.”
~*~
Kip turned back to Crash in shock. The last thing, the very, very last thing he ever thought he’d hear was that Crash wanted him. They’d been friends forever. Deeply, richly connected in ways that he’d felt with no one else, but Crash… Well… Crash was beautiful. Golden and shiny and almost perfectly inhuman… And he’d never, ever showed one hint of attraction to anyone that way.
Kip had long ago written his best friend off as one of those guys who was simply asexual. Not interested. While the rest of their friends had been spanking it and reading skin rags, Crash hit the library or helped out at the local soup kitchen. That was just…Crash.
Kip chalked it up to the fact that he was HomeSchool-Kid; that he was innocent and decent. That he hadn’t been nurtured in the high octane, erotically charged yet sexually crippling crucible of public school. That his didn’t watch television or read the paper. He’d imagined that Crash’s family probably spent most of their time playing various musical instruments and singing hymns in eight-part harmony.
“Oh, hell no.” Kip turned his back on Crash a final time and walked away.
Crash kept following after him, his footsteps remarkably uncertain.
“Don’t, Crash. Don’t follow me, not tonight.”
“Why?” Crash sounded…odd.
“Why?” Kip turned to find Crash flushed and in a rare state of temper. “Because you have no idea what you’re asking, that’s why. You want me to blow off a friendship I’ve had forever --the best thing in my life-- on the off chance that you know enough to know that it’s me you want, when you’ve never, ever showed one bit of interest in me before?”
“Never showed…” Crash drew back. He looked as if he wanted to tear his hair out. “I never showed one bit of interest in you? Are you out of your mind?”
“That way. You’ve never been interested that way.”
“Because I thought you were interested in women. Because I thought when you chose someone to love it would be a woman.”
Kip shook his head in disbelief. “But all this time, there’s never been anyone you’ve even glanced at—”
“Except for you!” Crash poked his chest. “I’ve never glanced at anyone except for you. I’ve lived for you. I’ve been here for you every single time you needed me. I’ve loved you since I first laid eyes on you!”
“But, Crash, that’s different from wanting to fuck me.”
Crash frowned. “But loving you. That’s what drives desire, right?”
“Not always,” Kip said gently. “I just don’t think you understand, and it isn’t something you can offer lightly, all right?”
Crash took Kips hands. “I don’t offer it lightly. I give my entire being. You’re right when you say that I don’t understand but if ever I did, it could only be with you. I belong to you, Kipling Rush. I’ve waited whole lifetimes to say that.”
Kip wanted to look away but couldn’t. Tears glittered in Crash’s eyes.
“Please understand.” Crash crushed his hands and the pain made his words grow sharper and gave them a resonance that tripped some kind of wire in Kip’s heart, blowing it up until it nearly burst. “I am yours.”
Kip gaped at him.
“No pressure or anything.” Kip kept hold of Crash’s hand. He started walking with no particular destination in mind to allow himself time to think. He and Crash had literally slammed into each other in the fifth grade, and he’d always felt, always known they had more than a bond of friendship.
Something happened to him when he was with Crash. Night air got crisper. Scents and sounds that were elusive and distant teased and tickled him, begging to be explored. Books were better, jokes funnier, films more poignant, even the sun was brighter and warmer when shared with Crash, so yeah. It stood to reason that sex… That would have to be something else, right?
Kip was the first to admit that -- together -- he and Crash were more than the sum of their parts. He couldn’t speak for Crash, but he hated to jeopardize that for anything. It reminded him of a story in a children’s book he’d allowed his mother to read to him just once before he demanded she staple the pages together, because he’d been upset -- was traumatized even now – by the illustration. It was about a dog who had a bone, but saw what he thought was a bigger bone in another dog’s mouth. Being greedy, he snapped for it to try to take it away and lost his own bone because what he saw was actually his reflection in a pool of water.
The moral of the story was supposed to be about selfishness, or being grateful, but all he could see were the dog’s sad eyes in the aftermath of bad choices, of not being glad that things were perfectly fine, but instead trying to get more somehow, and he’d never forgotten it.
Crash snapped, “Don’t you start with the dog story.”
“What?”
“This isn’t that.”
“It’s apt.” Kip argued, not even curious, after all the years they’d spent together, how Crash seemed to read his mind. “It’s got that bone, and it’s a perfectly fine bone, a great bone…”
“Enough with the fucking dog already, Kip.”
Kip stared. Crash, uncharacteristically profane. Wow.
“You always use that story to illustrate why you can’t have more. Why you won’t dare try to make things better. You’re happy to carry a spear in the school play so you don’t audition for the lead, you’re happy to work in the lab feeding the animals but you don’t apply to veterinary school even though you have the grades. You’re happy to have nameless, faceless encounters but you’re afraid to be with someone who loves you.”
“Crash, don’t do this man. You are my one good thing. If I fuck that up…”
“I will always be your one good thing. Always.”
Filled with misgiving, Kip couldn’t help but notice that the hand in his felt good. It felt right. He continued to walk and hold Crash’s hand until he saw his car in the parking lot, which meant they had another decision to make. “Do you want to come home with me?”
Crash smiled pleasantly, as though Kip had asked if he wanted a stick of gum. “Yes, please.”
Kip’s Honda chirped when he unlocked it remotely and they got in. As soon as he keyed the ignition the radio started playing, loud, some hiphop, and Crash turned it off.
“Nervous?” Kip asked. He’d have to stop swiveling his head to look at Crash or his neck would be sore in the morning.
“No.”
“’Cause if you’re nervous you know you can back out at any time. I’m not going to think any less of you. I get that we’re close, maybe we should just—”
“I’m not nervous, Kip.” Crash hummed something quietly and Kip found it beautiful. “Are you?”
“Me? No.” Kip reared back in his seat, fiddling with his shoulder belt. “No. Why should I be nervous? I mean, I’ve done this lots of times. I was just thinking you might be nervous because it’s your first time and all…” Kip stomped his foot on the brake; he needed to watch the damn lights or he’d get them both killed.
Crash gazed at him. “Were you nervous your first time?”
“No.” Kip made himself keep his eyes on the light. “Me? No.”
“Then why would you think I’d be?”
When the light changed Kip didn’t let the clutch out fast enough and it made the transmission grind -- metal against metal. Kip’s lips were pinched by the time he got the car into gear and smoothed it out.
Crash grinned. “Forgive me, but you seem nervous now.”
Fucking Crash, pointing out the obvious.
Crash started to hum again. Kip sighed. The tune seemed old; it had a piercing sweetness, each note sung with simple clarity, but it traveled along a minor key that gave him gooseflesh. After a few moments of listening to its haunting transitions he felt relaxed and at peace, although he couldn’t say exactly why. Maybe it was simply Crash’s voice and not the song. At the worst moments of his life, like when he’d been attacked that night, he could always hear Crash’s voice inside his head soothing him.
Kip looked over at the man sitting next to him in the car and decided he wasn’t going to ever tell anyone that.
“Feel better?” Crash asked idly.
“Yes.”
Kip pulled into the driveway that led to the back of his apartment building and parked in his carport. They walked through the grounds together in relative silence, then mounted the stairs to the two-bedroom Kip shared with his roommates, two other students who had both returned to their families for the holidays. There was a wreath on the door and when Kip unlocked and opened it, he ushered Crash in. He had a tiny Douglas fir tree in the corner, covered with inexpensive ornaments and icicles and when he toggled the switch, the multicolored lights he’d strung painstakingly around the apartment and on the tree lit up.
“This is nice,” Crash stood in the entry and waited. Kip rubbed his hands together.
“I’m going to have a beer,” Kip pulled Crash to the kitchen. “What do you want?”
“A beer would be fine, Kip.” Crash’s eyes followed him like short shadows.
Kip froze. “You never drink beer.”
“No. I don’t.”
“Yet you’re having one now?”
“Based on my perception of what is going to happen, I thought it might be wise to have relaxed muscles. Was I wrong?” Crash blinked at him.
Kip let himself fall backwards against the refrigerator, which thunked against the wall behind him. He rolled his eyes. “Crash—”
Crash stepped forward and pressed dry lips to Kip’s. He must have sensed there was something not quite right, because he leaned back and licked his lips while his gentle hands fluttered from Kip’s shoulders to the sides of his face. Kip felt Crash’s thumbs trace the arch of his brows, then the curve of his cheek. The tip of Crash’s tongue touched the fullness of his mouth and he groaned.
“Crash.” Kip leaned in and pulled Crash close, slipping his hands into the waistband of his jeans. He felt a sweet heat building in the pit of his belly, like the warmth of hot coffee or even booze. Crash’s lips opened to his exploration and their tongues found one another in a delicious slip and slide of flesh, moist air, and noses pressed together. A bristly upper lip scratched like crisp crumbs on his skin.
Kip felt Crash’s surrender all the way to his toes, Crash melted around him, his skin damp with passion; sweat that --for some inexplicable reason-- gave off the faint perfume of sweet-butter sugar cookies. When Kip opened his eyes, he saw that Crash’s eyes were closed in what could almost be termed ecstasy. He moved then, and broke their kiss reluctantly so he could take two bottles of beer from the refrigerator. The light from inside the fridge limned Crash’s face.
“Kip.” Crash smoothed his hand over his own forearm, looking at it as though he’d never seen it before. “My skin feels like it’s on fire.”
“Yeah?” Kip handed him a beer. Blushing, he nudged at Crash’s neck with his nose, breathing in that sweet scent and nuzzling with his lips. “Do I make you hot?”
“Yes,” Crash hissed, leaning in. “I burn for you.”
Kip sighed. “You say some pretty outrageous things.”
“What should I do?” Crash took the cap off the beer and smelled it. It made him wince.
“You don’t even like beer, do you?”
“No.”
“Want something else? I have some Baileys.” Kip raised his own beer to his lips and took a healthy swig, but Crash caught his hand and lowered the bottle, tasting the beer on his lips.
“Beer is nice, when I taste it on you. Look. I just want you, Kip. If you don’t want me then stop stalling and say so.”
Kip stared. When had he not wanted Crash? From the second he’d realized he wanted the boys at school and not the girls, Crash had been his holy grail. He’d learned to breathe the scent of him, to suffer through the affectionate touching, to walk and talk and smile as though he was perfectly satisfied to spend the rest of his life without ever having the one man that he wanted more than any others because… well. Because Crash wasn’t gay. Was he?
“Crash, are you even gay?”
Crash displayed the exaggerated patience that made Kip see red. “I don’t even know what that means, gay. I am simply yours.”
For a fraction of a second, maybe the space of a heartbeat, Kip wanted to test Crash’s complacence; it was an itch he wanted to scratch. He wanted to push Crash over the table, shove down his jeans, and put a cock up his ass -- just to do it -- just to see how fast Crash changed his tune. An image came to his mind, unbidden, of fucking Crash hard and angry, looking away so he didn’t have to see the pain and disappointment in his eyes.
“Never in anger.” Crash’s hands found Kip’s face again. He felt Crash’s thumb ring bite his cheek a little to go with the admonishment. “Anything we share will be beautiful. I promise you that.”
How did Crash always seem to…
“Come on, lover, I’m not so untried as to believe that we’ll accomplish anything standing in the kitchen.”
Kip allowed himself to be led toward the bedroom, but grumbled, “Shows how much you know.”
“I know enough to know it will require me to undress you.” Crash looked at Kip from under his lashes. Teasing. Seductive. “I hope.”
Kip let the breath he’d been holding escape him as a shuddering sigh.
When they reached his room Kip left the overhead light off and lit a couple of candles. He thought maybe that would be better under the circumstances. Crash reached for him, firmly caressing his shoulders and pecs before slipping his hands over and down his chest and abs to grip the hem of Kip’s T-shirt.
“Lift your arms,” he told Kip before pulling it over his head. When Kip’s head popped from the tight neck, Crash’s face was the first thing he saw. He wore that same sweet smile, the one that said, wherever you go, I’ll follow, that he’d worn since they’d met in that hole.
Kip tried to calm his racing heart; it thumped like a high school drumline, echoing off his ribs. Crash placed the palm of his hand flat over it. “You’d think I’d be the nervous one.”
“Aren’t you?” Kip could hardly catch his breath. For an answer, Crash reached for Kip’s belt buckle and undid it, removing the belt and working open the button on Kip’s jeans.
“About this? No. I’m worried how you’ll look at me tomorrow. If you’ll want me again. If you’ll see me differently and whether you’ll still be my friend.”
Kip caught Crashes hands. “This makes things weird.”
Crash shook Kip’s hands off. “When was it ever not weird.”
He slid Kip’s zipper down, and for a moment, Kip worried that he’d misread the situation. That Crash had a lot more experience than he’d ever let on. Crash pushed Kip’s jeans and briefs down and his cock sprang free.
Kip groaned when Crash’s hands wrapped around it. “It’s like velvet,” Crash whispered.
Kip fought a snort of nervous laughter. He toed off his shoes and stepped out of his jeans. “Not much different than yours,” he murmured, embarrassed.
“You know that’s not true.”
Yes. He did know. Crash and Kip had innocently compared their cocks -- while pissing -- when they were just boys, since Kip was cut and Crash wasn’t. That had led to an interesting discussion in the Rush household and they’d been told to be more modest in the future. Crash had always taken that to the extreme. While he might have been forced to urinate in front of other boys in public bathrooms, Kip realized he’d never once seen Crash in the nude. They’d never even been swimming together. Crash claimed he was afraid of the water.
“I mean how it feels. Crap, why is this suddenly so—”
Crash kissed him again, this time with one hand wrapped around his cock, pulling his hot hand along the length gently, sliding his fingers down to explore his balls. Kip thought he might have died and gone to heaven.
Crash laughed against his lips, a deep, throaty sound that vibrated over Kip’s skin like the light buzz of static electricity.
“Why am I the only one undressed,” Kip reached for the collar of Crash’s button down shirt. “You’re such a geek.” He undid the tiny pearlescent buttons and found Crash wore an undershirt. Kip raised his eyebrows. “You dress like a missionary.”
“I get cold,” Crash defended himself. Kip saw his cheeks color.
“It’s nothing to be embarrassed about.” Kip removed the first shirt and grasped the hem of his white v-neck.
Crash stopped his hands. “Stop. Wait--”
Kip’s heart froze. He fully expected Crash had changed his mind the second it came down to skin on skin. And damn, he’d gotten this close. He could almost still feel Crash’s hand on his cock. Shit.
Kip let go of Crash’s undershirt. “I’m sorry. It’s okay.”
Crash still had hold of Kip’s hands. “No. I just wanted to say… No one has ever seen me entirely without clothes. Well. Except my family. Doctors. It might be…”
“It’s all right. You don’t have to be shy.” Kip waited for what seemed like an eternity for Crash to say more. “Is it all right?”
“Yes.” Crash relaxed a little, but when Kip indicated Crash had to let go of him to take his T-shirt off, he didn’t seem to understand at first. Then it seemed to dawn on him and he dropped his hand. “Oh.”
Kip’s heart did a little tumble when Crash blushed again, lifting his arms as the shirt came off. His let his hands explored the amazing expanse of pristine, creamy white skin of Crash's chest and abs. They circled around to Crash’s back to pull him close, but there, his fingers encountered a territory of transition -- smooth, slick, and then rough, nearly plasticine skin. He stopped what he was doing and frowned.
“I have scars.” Crash admitted. “On my back. From a fire.”
“What?” Kip turned Crash around. Crash's entire upper back -- the area surrounding his shoulder blades, up towards his neck and downward nearly to his waist -- was covered in ugly, rough scars that looked like nothing so much as gum, chewed and stuck haphazardly on his skin, pushed down and flattened, but shiny and red. As different from his glorious, pale skin as night from day. Kip's stomach lurched. “Fuck me. What happened?”
“It was before I met you. I was burned."
Kip’s hands traveled over the ruined skin. That was the understatement of the century. Crash had been… melted. As if he’d backed into a blast furnace. “It must have been horribly painful. You’ve never mentioned a word. Did your house catch fire?” Kip couldn't stop himself from touching it, smoothing his hands over it as if he could heal it.
Crash frowned. “No. Not the house.” Crash's voice sounded rough. “I… I reached for something I wanted and didn’t think of the consequences. No one but me was hurt.”
“Oh, Crash.” Kip’s hands caressed Crash’s scars, then his lips. He kissed each shoulder blade where it stuck out, because they seemed to be where the worst of the damage had occurred. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s all right,” Crash spoke to the ground. “It was a long time ago.”
“That’s why you never swim.” Kip rested his head on Crash’s shoulder and reached around to the fastenings of his chinos. He unbuttoned them, slipping his hands into Crash’s serviceable underwear to mold his hands to that heavy, uncut cock. “Did you at least get what you wanted?”
“Yes,” Crash whispered. “Finally, I think. Yes.”
Kip pushed Crash’s pants and underwear off his hips, kneeling and helping him off with his shoes and socks until they stood facing each other, completely unclothed.
“You’re beautiful,” Crash spoke first. “Exactly as I imagined you.”
“Crash.” Kip swallowed hard. “You’re perfect.”
“Hardly,” Crash rolled his eyes. “The crispy bits aren’t very attractive are they?”
“Doesn’t matter.” Kip leaned in to kiss him once again, gently at first, and then more passionately as he pressed Crash backwards toward his bed. “You’re perfect. Perfectly…perfect.”
Crash sat first, then lay back on the small mattress. “I’m perfectly happy” --he touched Kip shyly-- “to be here with you like this.”
Kip cupped Crash’s cock then, drawing the loose foreskin gently up and down until the plum-colored head emerged, slick from where it hid. He thumbed the slit, rubbing around and over the surface, watching Crash’s face as he reacted to the touch.
Crash moaned and lifted his hips, pushing his cock into Kip’s fist. “That feels so…”
On impulse Kip leaned over and ran the flat of his tongue across the shiny purple skin, pumping his hand until he was teasing the flesh inside the foreskin, and tasting Crash’s essence. Crash jumped like he’d been struck by lightning and his hands clamped down on the sides of Kips head.
Kip didn’t think that was a no…
“Kip.” Crash’s voice pleaded. “Holy… Kip.”
Kip continued, excited by Crash’s need. He changed his angle and took Crash deeper, drawing off hard, with lots of suction, then teasing with his tongue as he took Crash in again, deep enough to bury the tip of his nose in the thatch of curly blond hair above his cock.
The scent he’d found so intriguing on Crash’s skin –the rich, vanilla-infused butter and sweet of sugar cookies-- appeared concentrated in the folds of skin where Crash’s legs met his torso but underlying it was the scent of a fully aroused man. Kip couldn’t stop himself from using the heels of his hands to push Crash’s thighs apart and explore his balls. He pulled first one into his mouth, then the other, sucking them, then nudging them away with his nose as he slipped his tongue beneath them to the strip of skin above Crash’s pink, puckered hole. Then he returned his lips to Crash’s cock, working the length, bobbing and twisting until Crash let out a warble of shock as Kip ran a wet finger over his entrance.
“Feels so good,” Crash writhed and licked his lips, gripping the sheets in both hands.
Kip rumbled a groan of his own, transmitting the sound and vibration through Crash’s skin. “So hot,” he murmured against the velvet length.
Crash arched as Kip allowed him to drive into his mouth in his own rhythm. He found he quite like the desperate edge of Crash’s passion and the way his voice turned needy and sweet as he begged.
“Please.” Crash practically sizzled as his balls drew up. “Please, Kip.”
“Please, what?” Kip teased gently, loving the jerky movements that accompanied Crash’s uncharacteristic loss of control.
“I don’t know.” Crash thrashed, hot and breathless. “Just… Please.”
Kip swallowed Crash’s cock as far as he could and pressed a finger into his hole. Crash nearly blew apart in his hands, shuddering, squeezing his finger and shooting come down his throat. When Kip looked up, his gaze met eyes so amazed he paused for a minute. The expression on Crash’s face was… Well. That was innocence. He’d -- not only -- never been sucked off before, he looked like he’d never even…
How could that be possible? Kip lost all concentration and choked. Great. He’d be in the paper the next day, having choked to death while fellating a lover. Good thing he could only aspirate the jiz and not the entire dick. He pulled off coughing, and felt Kip’s hands firmly rubbing his back.
Crash still breathed like a racehorse and he couldn’t hide his chuckle. “Well. This is awkward.”
Kip buried his head into Crash’s lap and tried to tell himself he wasn’t hiding. His voice muffled, he said, “Crash, can I ask you a question?”
“Yes.”
Kip coughed again, clearing his throat. His eyes had teared up. Crash’s soft hands never stopped moving over his skin, and the result was so satisfying. It soothed him like the sound of water lapping against the side of a boat, or the trickling of a fountain.
When he finally had got his breath back he asked, “Have you ever been with anyone?” He hoped Crash wouldn’t confuse things by being coy. Crash would know what he meant. Crash always knew.
“No.”
“Do you ever jerk off?”
“No.”
“While you sleep? Did you ever…?”
This earned Kip a blush. “Yes.” Crash looked away. “Sometimes. When I dream.”
“Oh, my fucking… Crash.” Kip sat upright and pushed Crash onto his back. He climbed between his legs, his cock hard and throbbing. It felt delicious pressed against the still damp skin of Crash’s groin. He shuddered and rocked his hips, driving his cock against Crash, giving in to his desire to grind. Something tender and protective flared to life inside Kip. “I love being your first.”
Crash wrapped his arms around Kip. “First. Last. Always. The alpha and omega.” He seemed to find that funny.
“I want…” Kip couldn’t finish that sentence.
Crash shifted under him a little. “You want… to fuck me?”
“Yes.” Kip didn’t know how he withstood Crash’s frank gaze but he did.
“All right.” Crash appeared to be waiting for him to make the first move, which, considering that between them Kip was the one with experience, should have been easy.
Kip hesitated.
“It’s all right. I’m not experienced but I’m not… ignorant.”
“I need…” Kip got up to get condoms and lube from a shoebox on top of the television tray he used as a nightstand. “Maybe you should roll over? It’s easier that way for the first time.”
“Maybe you should just assume I won’t do this unless at all I can look into your eyes,” Crash’s own eyes seemed to sparkle. “I’m certainly not getting down on all fours like an animal when I could be facing the man I love.”
Kip dropped back on his heels and sighed. “You say shit like that and it makes me feel stupid. Why didn’t you say something? How come I never knew?”
“You’ve always known.” Crash’s smile faded a little. “You have. If you think about it.”
Kip thought about all the adventures they’d had: the lovely, lazy school days and stargazing of childhood, the tough emotional excesses of adolescence, the insecurity of making their way into college and choosing their individual academic paths. Through school and fast cars and first love, Crash shadowed him, solid and loyal, unquestionably his, through everything.
“You’re the one person who has never let me down,” Kip said finally, awed by it, as if he’d never given it serious consideration. Maybe he hadn’t.
“I never will.”
Kip heard the truth of those words and believed it with his whole heart.
He took his place between Crash’s legs again, and this time, he had no words. He uncapped the lube, and began by stroking Crash’s cock back to life, pleased at the soft gasping sounds that emerged when he did it, but not really, entirely, certain from whose mouth they came.
He found it fascinating to watch the minute changes flow over Crash’s face as Kip’s hand traveled from his cock to his balls, down further, to the delicate skin of his entrance. When he pressed a thoroughly lubed finger into the tight channel, a flush deepened over Crash’s creamy skin, rising from his chest to his neck and filling his cheeks. Kip got gooseflesh from the sight as he watched, entranced.
Crash’s lips parted on a groan and stayed slack. Kip dared another finger along with the first. Crash’s breathing quickened.
“Kip.” He panted, his voice barely audible. Crash drew his knees up to give him access. Kip tried to find Crash’s sweet spot, curving his fingers upward until he found the spongy mass and brushed it, watching wonder unfold on Crash’s face as the jolt of sensation shot through his body. “Kip!”
Kip tore open the foil condom package and rolled its contents easily down his shaft. He pumped his length a time or two, unnecessarily, because he’d never been that hard before, like granite. He knew he’d die -- or kill-- if anything stopped what he planned next but forced himself to ask, “Are you sure?”
Crash leveled a look of such trust at him that it took his breath away. “Yes. I’m sure.”
Kip carefully pressed forward. Crash bit his lip and sweat beaded his brow, but he remained silent. He wrapped his hands around Kip’s hips, and when Kip might have slowed, he used pressure to indicate it was all right to keep going.
“Kip?” Crash spoke on an indrawn breath. Kip didn’t hear him breathing for a few seconds and grew concerned.
“Take a breath.” Kip kissed away the frown on Crash’s face. “You need to breathe and try to relax if you can.”
Crash drew a shuddering breath in, and huffed it out just as quickly. “Kip.”
Kip started to pull back “Look, we don’t need to—”
“No.” Crash held him where he was. “Don’t go. I want this. I want you. Please.”
Kip met Crash’s frank blue eyes. “It hurts at first. I’m… I’m scared you won’t like it.”
Crash shifted his hips and Kip slid deeper inside his hot, tight channel. He was nearly balls deep in his best friend, Crash. Holy...
“Don’t stop,” Crash implored. He writhed again and Kip twitched the rest of the way in. They were connected in the most intimate way for a full minute before Kip came to his senses and his body begged him to move. He fought the urge to flex his hips and fuck Crash hard. His muscles trembled as he forced himself to hold back. Crash squirmed minutely, pulling away from the cock in his ass, then back again to get it deeper, and Kip thought it might be all right to begin….
“Keep breathing,” Kip said, even as he pulled out, just a little, and thrust back in.
Crash lit up a little, emitting a tiny startled “Oh.” Dazed eyes met Kip’s and he whispered. “Oh. Do that again.”
Kip complied, this time, dragging it out a little, changing his angle slightly as he watched Crash’s head drop back on the most exquisitely erotic sigh he’d ever heard. After that, he gave in to his need and fucked Crash like a machine, losing himself in the rhythm of it. They rose and fell like music, especially Crash, whose every sigh was lyrically beautiful and whose voice sent shivers and warmth throughout Kip’s body.
Absurdly, Kip imagined that very sound, their intimate music, was a liquid fire that flowed throughout his body and back into Crash where they were joined, even as Crash received it from him and returned it. That they drank from a vast invisible fountain of flames that scorched and purified and burned them both to ash.
Crash locked his ankles behind Kip’s back, then wrapped his arms around him and clung. Kip lowered his head to join him in a passionate kiss. He continued to snap his hips forward and drag back; push… pull… until Crash jerked in his arms and hot come spattered between them.
Kip groaned as Crash’s body clenched around him, arms and legs and ass spasming and squeezing him, until the first chilling buzz in his balls signaled his own slide into the breathless chaos of release.
Kip had experienced nothing like it, ever.
He slid over the edge with nothing to stop his fall except Crash's hot, breathless, equally confused body. Kip clung to him as the ground fell out beneath them.
“Crash.” He fought to drag in air. “Crash. Shit.”
Kip’s skin, damp and mixed with come on Crash’s belly stuck as he withdrew carefully from Crash and tossed his used condom into the trash.
He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. The first ominous misgivings were beginning to hit him.
What if everything changed?
What if nothing did?
What if Crash regretted making love?
What if he didn’t enjoy it?
What if –
“Don’t you dare fucking start.” Crash dropped his feet to the floor on the opposite side of the bed and padded into the bathroom.
Kip pondered what he was certain was only the third f-bomb of Crash’s life until Crash emerged from the bathroom minutes later with a damp towel. He used it to clean Kip’s skin, but not before he bent to taste his own essence, licking a trail from Crash’s naval to his pubic hair.
“Kipling Rush you’re beautiful.”
Kip saw that flush on his cheeks again and realized it was a ruse. Crash was still shy about what they’d done. “Regrets?”
“Not even one.” Crash threw the towel aside and curled up next to him. He drew Kip’s arm around him, forcing Kip to spoon up, even as he began to drift off to sleep.
“Me neither.” Kip kissed the back of his neck, nuzzling in to fill himself with the Crash’s scent, which was like cookies now, with some deeper, more intoxicating note, like hearty dark red wine or port maybe. “You smell delicious.”
“You too,” Crash murmured sleepily. “Like heaven and earth and all good things. Did you know the stars smell like raspberry?”
Kip smiled at that. “Crash, I never imagined…”
“Neither did I.” Crash sighed. “I should have though. I thought I’d foreseen everything. This proves you still have the power to surprise me. I love you Kip. More than any human words can say.”
“Use inhuman words.”
Crash snorted. “As if.”
Crash began to hum again, that otherworldly sound that every cell in Kip’s body responded to. It wasn’t loud, or even powerful music, just something haunting and lovely, something so simple it seemed to get under his skin and merge with his blood. Kip’s breathing, his heart rate, his very essence ebbed and flowed with the sound of Crash’s voice, until at last, Kip tightened his arms around Crash and drifted off to sleep.
~*~
Did I regret? How could I? Regret seems to me as useless and foolish an invention as any that humans have ever conceived. Only those things we do and the choices we make exist. You were my choice, and I make it over again with every breath I take.
If there is anything bitter in the sweet, it is only knowing that you never see me -- truly comprehend me -- as I am. Vanity is not a trait exclusive to humans after all. There will come a day, too soon, when you will perceive me in my truest form, for I will no longer need the guise in which I come to you. Will I frighten you? Will you believe what I say and trust me one last, desperate time?
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(Pages 1-35 show above.)