Forum Rejects – 10 Rejected Penthouse Forum Letters
By Tom Nardone
Published by Smashwords
Introduction: Long ago I decided it would be fun to write jokes. So, I literally bought a book about writing jokes. Surprisingly, it worked. One of the things I learned was to find a topic that everyone is familiar with and then turn that topic on its ear.
I soon chose Penthouse Letters as my topic because almost everyone has heard of them and once you’ve read one, you can guess the rest of them. Even when a penthouse letter tries to be serious, it is somewhat funny. I decided to take the process one step further.
I began writing ridiculous letters to Penthouse. I thought it would be funny to track the letter I wrote with what (if anything) was published. I even created a website to capture the process. I figured whether I received a rejection letter or a $50 check, it would be hilarious.
Unfortunately, not much happened. Penthouse just ignored my work. I never found out if they laughed, grunted, or hated my letters. Meanwhile, the website started to spread through word of mouth. ForumRejects.com has had over 1 Million visitors and has garnered praise worldwide for its sheer weirdness. So, after some mild success with another eReader project I decided to revise my Forum Rejects project and create a digital book. I hope you will appreciate my rejected Penthouse Forum Letters.
Letter #1 - Valentine's Day
I wanted to write a letter to The Forum to describe a unique Valentine’s Day experience I had. It was February 14th and some unattached friends and I were at a local bar. We were sharing a few drinks when I noticed an attractive blond woman at the bar. I am a fairly good looking guy and have had my share of eye contact in these types of situations. This woman was looking at me with a special kind of look.
I had enough liquid courage in me to introduce myself. It turns out Michelle was at the bar all alone. Wouldn’t I like to join her? Michelle looked to be in her mid twenties, with a slim figure and a firm chest. She was fair skinned and blond. She might even have been a real blond but I never care.
We found a table away from my drinking buddies. As soon as I sat down Michelle began with that casual contact that is so arousing. First she placed her hand on my knee, then touched my arm, then my face. Before I knew it, we were sharing a long passionate kiss. It was time to leave.
At her apartment, Michelle left me to open a bottle of wine while she slipped into something more comfortable. When she returned she was wearing a red teddy and thong. She looked fantastic! I couldn’t believe my luck. I held her firm, warm body against mine while we kissed. In a passionate embrace we made our way to the bedroom.
In the bedroom I laid her lithe frame on the bed while I removed my clothes. I was a little nervous while disrobing in front of her. She encouraged me by telling me how strong I looked. As I removed my shirt she told me she was eager to feel the heat of me on top of her. It was turning me on. I removed my shoes and socks, then my pants.
As I stood there in my boxer shorts, Michelle could see my manhood bulging away. I was as hard as I could be. I pulled down my underwear to expose my penis. As Michelle reached for it, my heart raced. Soon her warm hand touched its shaft. I ejaculated. My man juice coated the back of her wrist. Some even shot wildly forward and landed on her disappointed face.
Letter #2 Louise at The Circus
Dear Forum,
I wanted to let you know about the sexiest woman I have ever met. I am now in my fifties and even though I met her thirty years ago the memory of her still haunts me. Before you dismiss this letter as outdated let me warn you that our sex was just as wild in the seventies as it is today.
I worked with Louise in a small office. The sexual revolution was in full swing then and Lou was always going braless. It used to drive me wild to see her great globes beneath the tight stretch material of her blouse. I used to imagine her breast where two really fat elephants and her blouse was a circus tent that had collapsed. Damn those fat elephants were trying to get out from under that blousy tent.
One time while masturbating I imagined that I was an elephant tamer and I was prodding and poking those elephants with my elephant tamer tool. I imagined that if I managed to free those fat elephants from that circus tent that I would give them a good hosing down. You know that elephants like to be washed down and Louise’s fat elephant breast would probably like it too.