I’m a Real American
Rodney Ohebsion
Published by Rodney Ohebsion at Smashwords
Copyright 2011 Rodney Ohebsion
Introduction
I’m a decent, honest, respectable, hardworking family man who lives in the greatest country in the world: the United States of America. I go to Church on Sundays, I go to work on Mondays through Fridays, and I eat a meat-based dinner with my family as frequently as possible (—sometimes two or three times a day). I drive an American car, I drink American beer, I shoot an American gun, and I enjoy a wide variety of non-pornographic, non-Muslim activities such as fishing, barbecuing, skeet shooting, and guarding our borders.
America is better than every other country in the world combined—but millions of liberals want to change that. Liberals named Aiden or Parker want to take your money and spend it on marijuana, Che Guevara t-shirts, Nintendo Wiis, and Abercrombie & Fitch pants. And a liberal named Barack Hussein Obama wants to make this country part of Northern Europe.
And let’s not forget about Ramon Fernando Rigoberto Hernandez—the illegal immigrant that liberals practically invited into the country. He wants to spend your money on quesadillas and burritos.
Although I’m actually not too pissed at Ramon. At least he’s an honest, hardworking Christian family man. Ramon’s a decent guy. (Although I don’t know about that Tecate crap he drinks. And he needs to turn to Jesus, instead of following that Mexican knockoff Hey-Seuss.)
But Aiden, Parker, and Obama are another story altogether.
Obama is a complete piece of garbage. He’s never worked a day in his life. Has Barack Obama every worked in a coal mine? Has he? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?
We need coal. We use coal.
But Matt Damon doesn’t care about any of that. In his deluded mind, his liberalness is responsible for everything that coal does.
Just look at Matt Damon. Look at him! He always looks like he’s worshipping himself. He’s like the Grand Wizard of the Lunatic Liberal League. And he wants to turn the US into something that’s even worse than Northern Europe. If Matt Damon had his way, the US would make Northern Europe look like Puritan America.
Aside from Barack Obama, Matt Damon is the biggest lowlife in all of human history. He’s completely full of himself. And I mean completely. Atheists are claiming the post big bang universe contained an entire universe worth of matter in an infinitesimal space. Well guess what? Matt Damon has that beat. Every fiber in Matt Damon’s being contains an infinite amount of Matt Damon. If Einstein were to devise a way to release the self-centeredness, smug, and conceit in one Matt Damon cell, it would destroy everything but God. This universe, other universes, the past, present, and future, time, space—everything. One Matt Damon cell contains enough to obliterate it all.
When Matt Damon looks into a mirror, the mirror can’t take it. Matt Damon looking at Matt Damon is too much for a mirror. It vaporizes.
I’ve never even considered watching a Matt Damon movie, but I’ll tell you what: if Matt Damon were to star in The Coal Miner—a 300 hour long film of just him mining for coal, I would watch it a thousand times. 99% of all films should be The Coal Miner starring Matt Damon. In fact, I think we need to make it happen. In order to defeat liberalism from its very root, we need to make Matt Damon a coal mining slave.
Matt Damon and Barack Obama. There should be a dozen channels on TV showing nothing but the two of them mining coal. I want multiple cameras, replays, John Madden, Pat Summerall, and plenty of Halliburton commercials. And I want Bill Belichick to stand over Obama and friends with a whip.
Real Americans want to see Bill Belichick whipping Matt Damon.
That’s the only way we’re going to be able to protect freedom in America. If you want peace, you have to be ready for war; and if you want freedom, you’re going to have to enslave a few people.
But you don’t need to force me to mine for coal. In fact, you don’t even need to pay me. Just knowing that I’m doing my part to combat alternative energy is payment enough.
Coal mining ranks up there as one the ultimate American activities. I think all schools should be moved to coal mines, and recesses should be replaced with coal mining. That’s the only American way—and anyone who says otherwise is a Northern European piece of garbage.
Working in coal mines and using a ton of gasoline—that’s what makes you a man. That’s what makes you a real American. Driving your electric car to a raw food restaurant and voting for Barack Obama—that makes you a hypocritical communist son of a bitch.
Barack Obama is the most insane son of a bitch in human history. And he’s even more full of himself than Matt Damon. He’s managed to surpass the infinity mark. Infinity can’t keep up with Barack Obama’s conceit. Even Matt Damon can’t believe it.
The typical liberal is like someone who thinks he belongs at the front of every line at the amusement park because he’s wearing Abercrombie & Fitch pants. Matt Damon thinks he owns the amusement park. Barack Obama thinks the entire universe is Obamaland.
Barack Obama wants to kill Mickey Mouse, Bugs Bunny, and especially Scrooge McDuck. He wants to kill capitalism.
"I do think at a certain point you’ve made enough money" Barack Hussein Obama, Chairman of the People’s Republic of America
Barack Obama has a net worth of $5 million. He lives the lifestyle of a billionaire using taxpayer money. He spends $50,000 a second, and he doesn’t want you to make more than $50,000 a year.
And let’s not forget about Nancy Pelosi. She spent $3,000 of our money on flowers over the course of several months. And another $3,000 on bottled water. Bottled water! What is she—a camel!? Did she spend a few months storing up a lifetime’s worth of water? How the hell can a human being spend $3,000 on bottled water?! Is she showering with it? No. Because she showers in the blood of dead conservatives. And then she dries off with a Saudi Arabian flag.
Aside from Barack Obama and Matt Damon, Nancy Pelosi is the most shameless person in the world.
Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi want to kill Scrooge McDuck, take his money, and spend it all on bottled water, flowers, and anything that’ll make them feel like they live at Xanadu.
Every single anti-capitalist out there would love to spend $3,000 on bottled Che Guevara brand water.
Conservatives, on the other hand, are anything but hypocrites.
Sarah Palin doesn’t just tell people to shoot guns—she herself shoots them nonstop. Watching her shoot a gun is a truly amazing experience. I could watch that pretty much all day. When I’m not watching Obama and Damon mining for coal, I want to see Sarah Palin using a machine gun. Rupert Murdoch should start a network showing just that and Halliburton ads. And ads against abortion.
Richard Nixon was anything but a hypocrite. He was a man of principles, integrity, and honesty. When he was about to be impeached, he didn’t waste everyone’s time and money by going through with a trial, like that rat bastard Clinton. Nixon resigned like a man—even though he was 100% not guilty.
Nixon is a true American hero. He should have his own channel, too. Rupert Murdoch, get on all of this!
If Nixon were alive today, his enemies list would be bigger than the Library of Congress. The country is full of enemies to freedom and morals. Nixon would have all of them mining for coal.
Nixon didn’t spend $3,000 on bottled water. He drank mud water from the Potomac River. And rum. He drank rum day and night, like a real American. I’m talking about American made rum. Made from an aged American flag. And he paid for it with his own money. Money he made entirely though non-pornographic, non-Muslim activities.
He didn’t spend $3,000 on flowers. Any time he came across a flower, he doused it gasoline and lit it on fire. Along with a Norwegian flag. (I do the same thing—only instead of the flag, I use The Audacity of Hope by Barack Hussein Obama.)
He didn’t spend $200 million on his inauguration. There was no inauguration. The moment his term began, he got right to work. He didn’t take vacations at Martha’s Vineyard. Martha’s Vineyard was on his Enemies List. As well as all other vacation spots. He even tried to trade Hawaii for a coal mine in Canada.
We should make Nixon’s corpse the Republican nominee in 2012. A dead Nixon will do more work than Barack Obama. That should be our campaign slogan.
Just roll Nixon’s corpse into office. We don’t even need his entire corpse. Just a few bones will be enough. Or just his suit. We should replace all of Congress with Richard Nixon’s wardrobe.
Did I mention that Jimmy Carter is an asshole? He’s a complete asshole. Aside from Barack Obama, Matt Damon, and Nancy Pelosi, he’s the biggest asshole in the world.
My Car
If I could, I’d drive an American flag. Unfortunately, pouring gas on a flag won’t get you from zero to sixty or even zero to thirty.
So I drive the ultimate in American cars: a Buick. And not one of the newer ones built after Obama’s communist government took over the company. I’m talking about a Nixon year Buick: a 1972 Skylark Sedan. Driving that car is like flying on top of a bald eagle and making it drop its shit on a subcompact hybrid.
If you’re a real American, you can hear its engine playing Stars and Stripes Forever—even when it’s not running and you’re ten miles away. And it smells like Johnny Unitas’s jockstrap after an NFL championship game.
A Buick Skylark doesn’t honk—it yells at people. And it doesn’t just let out some smog—it fills the air with Victory Smoke. And I mean it fills the air. Immediately after I pass a smog check, I reAmericanize the car the way God intended. (By the way—greenhouse gasses are good for the environment.)
The Constitution
We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect and less European Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.
Europe is a trash bin of a continent filled with pieces of garbage. That’s why Jesus and the Founding Fathers took the Ark/Mayflower over to America and defeated the British.
Around here, we have principles, morals, and integrity. And a democracy. We vote for our Congress and President. And if you want to call the President a son of a bitch, you have the right to do that. And if the President is a liberal, you have a duty to do that.
The Legislative Branch.
Congress will have the power to create non-pornographic, non-Muslim laws.
It shall tax the people a maximum of 15% and increase our money supply a maximum of 1% per year—and anyone who disagrees should be exiled to Europe immediately. As should anyone who watches soccer or uses the metric system.
Congress shall also decide what states to add to the Union. Texas would be an excellent choice. Washington wouldn’t. (And don’t even mention Puerto Rico.)
The Executive Branch.
A President shall be elected by the people every four years. And by “people,” I don’t mean some brainwashed liberals at a communist university. If someone is under 22 or under, he shouldn’t be allowed to vote. Unless he’s going to vote for a Real American. Like Nixon.
You know what? Let’s just forget about voting. We should just elect the candidate that college students and Hollywood liberals are against.
Or better yet, we should just vote for the candidate Matt Damon hates. And exile the one he supports. I’m tempted to say we should exile Damon, too—but we need him to know what to do.
In order to be President, a person must be a US born citizen (by the way—Kenya isn’t part of the United States) with an actual long form birth certificate proving everything. If anyone presents something other than a birth certificate, he shall jailed and tortured until he admits he’s from Kenya. And he’s a Muslim. And a communist. And even if he presents the long form birth certificate, it’s fake.
Presidents must also be at least 35 years old, and must have built 10,000 Buicks, mined 100 tons of coal, drilled 10,000 barrels of oil, and rounded up 1,000 communists.
And if a President installs solar panels on the White House or spends half of his time playing golf and vacationing at Martha’s Vineyard, he shall be fired. And exiled.
The President will head the military, pardon the “offenses" of great Americans (like Nixon), make treaties (with Israel), and appoint people to high offices. And he will have the power to veto any laws that Congress passes. Like ones that create free health care. And if Congress passes a law like that in the first place, it shall be exiled.
A President will have a limit of two four year terms. And his power should be limited and checked by the other branches of government.
Except in the case of Nixon. God wants Nixon to have absolute power. Forever.
The Judicial Branch.
The Supreme Court and Other Courts will interpret and apply our non-pornographic, non-Muslim laws. Criminal Trials and high dollar Civil Trials will be decided by a Jury consisting of twelve people who watch Fox News.
This Constitution outlines the powers delegated to the United States.
If it’s not in here, it’s up to the States and the People.
Amen
Proof That Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim
Honestly, I’m at a point in my life where I don’t need proof—I just know. He’s a Muslim. Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim. The more I repeat it, the truer it becomes. Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim. He’s an Islamic fundamentalist. It’s common knowledge. Proof just gets in the way knowing the truth.
Barack Hussein Obama is an Islamic fundamentalist and terrorist. He has a copy of the Qur’an with all of the violent passages highlighted and underlined—and he keeps it in the oval office next to his picture of Khomeini. Everyone knows that. And it deserves repeating. They found his copy of the Qur’an in the oval office. He blacked out everything but the violence. He highlighted and underlined the violence, and added a note to each passage saying “I’m Barack Obama—and I approve this message.” He approves. Barack Obama approves.
If that’s true—and it is—my entire life will be much more meaningful and satisfying. The hate I experience when I see Obama the Islamic fundamentalist terrorist makes me feel like a real American. I can practically taste Richard Nixon’s sweat when I identify Obama for what he is—the mastermind behind anything bad that Muslims have ever done. Him and Jimmy Carter.
If you can’t taste Richard Nixon’s sweat, you’re not a real American. You’re either tasting Nixon’s sweat or some Muslim holy water. Do Muslims use holy water? They probably use oil. If you taste oil when you see Barack Obama, you’re a liberal piece of garbage. Unless it’s Texas oil. Texas oil tastes like freedom. Saudi Arabian oil doesn’t. Unless it’s in the form of gas that’s powering an American car.
But the point is, Barack Obama is an Islamic fundamentalist terrorist. If that isn’t true, why would I repeat it over and over again? The first time I said it, there was still some doubt—but after the thousandth time, there was none.
Barack Obama is a Muslim. He’s a Qur’an believer. The Qur’an is nothing but a corrupted knockoff of the Bible that repeats lies over and over again. Muslims are exposed to those lies five times a day throughout their lives. The more they’re repeated, the less true they become.
Vote for Sarah Palin in 2012
Go down to your local Starbucks and take a look at the liberal degenerates drinking their mocha crapacinno lattes and texting their BFFS on their i-berry blackphones. Smell the Northern European air and listen to the lack of country music.
When Sarah Palin becomes President in 2013, she will destroy each and every Starbucks in the country. And all Starbucks customers will become prisoners of war. And we’ll give the city of Seattle to Israel.
Sarah Palin is exactly what this country needs right now. And more guns. And more Bibles. Sarah Palin is going to turn this country into the United States of Guns and Jesus.
And she’ll start the greatest war in this country’s entire history: the war against Hollywood liberals. We’re going to take over Hollywood quicker than we took over Iraq—and Matt Damon will be our first prisoner of war. (After the Starbucks customers.)
Matt Damon is a liberal piece of garbage. In 2008, he supported Obama and trashed Sarah Palin. He stated that he didn’t know much about Palin, and then he proceeded to criticize her. That makes a lot of sense. Is that what they taught him at Harvard University? If you don’t know anything about her, criticize her on national TV and tell everyone to vote for a communist Islamic fundamentalist?
Decades ago, universities produced respectable people. Nowadays, they crank out more Matt Damons.
Sarah Palin is going to change that. We won’t tolerate that in the United States of Guns and Jesus. Matt Damon will be tortured every day. And Barack Hussein Obama.
They’ll still be celebrities, though. They’ll be the stars of the Coal Mining Network.
A Biography of Richard Nixon
Richard Nixon was born on July 4, 1876 in a Buick factory. He was wearing a suit.
The second he was born, he tore off his umbilical cord, got up, and built 400 Buicks with his bare hands. All 400 of those Buicks are still on the road today.
After finishing his 400th Buick, Nixon drove it to a coal mine and mined for coal. He didn’t take a lunch break. Nixon always ate lunch while working. He ate nothing but liver. And he drank nothing but mud water and rum.
When Nixon was done at the coal mine, he added 500 names to his Enemies List. And then he enlisted in the military. He was six hours old.
Nixon accomplished more in his first six hours than that no good communist Barack Obama has accomplished in his entire life.
Anyways, after serving in the military for a few years, Nixon built more Buicks, mined for more coal, and studied the lives of great Americans. How come our schools don’t have a Lives of Great Americans class? If it were up to Barack Obama, our kids would be studying the lives of great Muslim terrorists. And communists.
Barack Obama is a communist. He doesn’t work, and he tries to spend as much of your money as possible. But the media isn’t allowed to mention that. In 2008, they never mentioned that he’s built a grand total of zero Buicks. Never! And why? Because Obama played the race card. Liberals will resort to anything in order to get ahead. Barack Obama stole the election. He stole it. But American heroes like Richard Nixon and George W. Bush won the presidency fair and square.
Anyways, after finishing his service in Northern Europe, Nixon drove his Buick to Arizona and dug the Grand Canyon. The Grand Canyon is basically a three year old Nixon’s sandbox. He dug it up in forty days and forty nights. He didn’t even eat or drink anything—because unlike Nancy Pelosi, he can store water like a camel.
After finishing the Grand Canyon, Nixon invented a time machine, traveled to 1783, and defeated the British. He then went to 1955 and gave Biff back the Sports Almanac—because there’s nothing wrong with what Biff was doing. He was a capitalist.
Nixon then began his war on drugs by killing Pablo Escobar. And three minutes after Escobar was dead, Nixon created the internet, along with the world’s first two websites: foxnews.com and buick.com. (Liberal lunatic Al Gore would later take credit for the internet, as well as Nixon’s 18 touchdown passes to Elroy Hirsch in the first ever NFL championship game.)
Nixon created the internet and set up foxnews.com and buick.com. Barack Obama, on the other hand, uses the internet to forward his Muslim terrorist friends Qur’an quotes like “Kill the idolaters" and “Death to the America.” Oh—and he always uses Twitter to talk about himself and feed his conceit.
If Nixon had a Twitter during his presidency, it wouldn’t have been about what he ate for breakfast or did for Christmas. It would’ve been about the country’s net increases in hours worked and gallons of rum consumed. Those rates increased every second under Nixon. The day before he resigned in 1974, the average American was working 274 hours a week, and the average American rum manufacturer was worth $174 billion. Abercrombie & Fitch, on the other hand, was worth negative $6 trillion. The company’s CEO was tortured fifteen times per day. And The Communist Manifesto wasn’t just banned—every copy was obliterated with a nuclear weapon. We used one nuclear bomb on each copy. And on Halloween, all children dressed as Uncle Sam—and people gave them beer and cigarettes instead of candy. The average three year old smoked two packs a day, and Rob Reiner was a chain smoker. And there was no such thing as lung cancer.
Anyways, after creating the internet, Nixon disappeared for a large chunk of his early life, and then reappeared in his early thirties, performed miracles, healed the masses, tortured communists, and became a Congressman and then Senator of California. (In reality, Nixon ran the entire Legislative branch of our government. Anyone who ever voted against Nixon was immediately thrown out of office and beaten with a Yakov Smirnoff tape.)
Nixon then became vice president to Dwight D. Eisenhower—and together, the two of them built our entire highway system, won the WWF tag tam championship, and changed all 366 calendar days to July 4th. They also teamed up with Martin Luther King, Jr. and ended racism, even though King was definitely a communist.
Nixon was the greatest Vice President ever. But the country went insane and chose John F. Kennedy over Nixon after Eisenhower’s second term.
After losing to Kennedy, Nixon had his 40 years in the desert—only it was eight (40 divided by the 5 Books of Moses)—and then he became the 40th president in US history—only he was the 37th (3 + 7 = 10, 10 times the 4 in 40). It’s all in the Bible.
And after one day of Nixon as President, the country’s unemployment hit 0%. And I mean real unemployment, and not Obama’s deceptive variety. Everyone was employed. People who wanted jobs, people who weren’t sure if they wanted jobs, people who definitely didn’t want jobs. Adults, teenagers, children, toddlers, babies, fetuses, sperm and egg cells—everyone. Even corpses, ashes, souls, etc. Animals worked, too. And plants, fungi, and bacteria. Even subatomic particles. Real unemployment was at 0%. Worldwide. And universe-wide. Even in the afterworld. 0% unemployment everywhere.
And the world was up to its ankles in coal. The entire planet was a bed of coal. The oceans were filled with coal. When people wanted a barbecue, they just lit anywhere.
And the average family owned five and a half Buick Tanks. And 300 machine guns.
And there were bald eagles everywhere. And American flags. Almost everything was an American flag.
And the environment was perfect.
Then Nixon was framed of something—and rather than wasting America’s time and money the way Obama does, he resigned.
Over the next two decades, everything good that happened to America was due to Nixon, and everything bad was caused by someone else. And most of the time, the someone else was Jimmy Carter.
And in 1994, after finding out that Friends was the most popular show on TV, Richard Nixon committed hari kari suicide in order to go to the afterlife and kill Satan. One second later, Satan was dead. Nixon finished digesting his liver three seconds after that.
Real Americans Run Miles—Not Kilometers
A 10K run? You’re going to go on a 10K run? Well then you better run your ass to Finland. Real Americans don’t run Ks. To be honest, I’m not particularly fond of running long distances to begin with. Distance runners usually look like vegetarians and soccer players. But if you are going to run more than a few hundred yards, you better run yards and miles, and not meters and kilometers. A K isn’t a unit of distance—it’s a strikeout, a thousand dollars, or the K in K-Mart. Kilometers are for European communists.
Suggesting we should convert to the metric system is an act of treason. Benedict Arnold loved the metric system. As does Barack Obama. When Obama steps on a scale, it automatically displays his weight in kilograms. Even if it doesn’t have a kilogram setting. Scales expose anti-Americans the way mirrors expose vampires—and Obama is the Dracula of America haters.
The Separation of Church and State
The separation of church and state is an essential part of a free society. Church and state simply don’t mix—like oil and vinegar, liberalism and sanity, or Islam and the decision not to murder people.
But as it is right now, liberals are attempting to make an unholy mix
Take a look at our money. What does it currently say? In God We Trust.
Liberals are out to change that. They want to replace it with... nothing! Nothing! They want the United States government to put an atheistic non-reference to God on US currency! They won’t be satisfied until the In God We Trust part of our money is blank and telling us that there is no God!
Liberals want our money to become atheist propaganda. They want to put their atheist non-crosses all over our government buildings. And they’re on a crusade to make Uncle Sam say “I Want You... to Kill God.”
Atheists want the government to kill God. It’s not enough for them to connect their churches to our state. They want us to point our weapons away from terrorists and right towards Heaven. They’re so insane that they think Richard Dawkins can assassinate Jesus.
In order to combat their plan to bring down the wall between church and state, we need to reinforce that wall. By electing Sarah Palin in 2012. So she can add the Ten Commandments and the Sermon on the Mount to our money. And turn this country into the United States of Guns and Jesus.
Everyone Should Pay Us For Their Freedom
Everyone should pay us for their freedom. (—especially Northern Europe). The United States liberated the world from the British Empire. We also liberated Mexico from Southern California. Before we came along, Mexicans in Southern California enslaved the rest of the country.
All countries should pay us money on a regular basis. We’re out there protecting the freedom of everyone. And—notwithstanding what liberals believe—freedom isn’t free. It costs money.
Liberals, Europeans, Middle Easterners, and Africans might not like to admit this, but the entire world does revolve around the United States.
Have you ever noticed how the most anti-American countries out there use the most American products and services? They betray their own anti-American beliefs on a daily basis. In Australia, atheists use youtube.com to watch Richard Dawkins videos. In France, they curse Americans in coffee shops while smoking Marlboro cigarettes. In Saudi Arabia, Islamic fundamentalist terrorists yell out “Death to America" while holding a bucket of the Colonel’s chicken. And in Canada, people are alive because we chose not to kill them.
Why We Need Guns
Don’t even ask why.
We need guns.
It’s our God-given right as Americans. Jesus died on the cross so that we could have guns. And for our sins. He died for our guns and our sins. But primarily our guns. That’s why a bunch of real Americans added the Jesus Amendment (a.k.a. the Second Amendment) to the Constitution.
If we don’t have any guns, what the hell are we going to do if the British attack us? They’re going to attack any day now. When we gained our independence from them, it was a given that they’d try to regain the country. With each passing day, it becomes more and more likely that they’ll attack. King George has been planning everything for the last two and a quarter centuries. He wants to tax our stamps and tea.
And we need guns to protect ourselves. From other people. With guns. If you take away everyone’s guns, the whole system will fall apart.
And if we don’t have guns, how are we supposed to deal with a corrupt, out of control government? A country can’t be orderly unless the people can run around with guns and change things. History has shown us that people running around with guns results in order.
Just look at 1979 Iran. Actually, don’t look at 1979 Iran. They had guns—but they didn’t have Jesus. Guns and Jesus are the ultimate combination. Guns and Allah are not. Jesus lets us know where to point our guns, and when to pull the trigger. Guns without Jesus are unholy. And Jesus without guns is also unholy. Guns let us follow the teachings of Jesus. (Like the one about shooting a thin camel, or the one about keeping Mexicans out of our country.)
Guns and Jesus are the ultimate system of checks and balances. That’s why the Founding Fathers included both of them in the Constitution. (I’m talking about the real Constitution—and not the liberal counterfeit that’s everywhere today.) And that’s why God included both of them in the Bible.
Barack Hussein Obama wants to do away with checks and balances, and he wants to re-crucify Jesus. He’s for guns and Allah. Make that suicide bombs and Allah. He’s an Islamic fundamentalist terrorist who hates America more than Al Franken hates Bill O’Reilly.
Sarah Palin, on the other hand, wants to turn this country into the United States of Guns and Jesus.
Kids Today Are Spoiled
Back when my father was a kid, he didn’t have any toys. Not one. Zero. Most parents back then had absolutely no concept of giving a kid a toy.
But nowadays, if your four year old son doesn’t have a closet full of Elmo dolls and Nintendo Wii games, it’s considered child abuse. If he wants macaroni and you made him a sandwich, you’re supposed to head on down to Italy and get him what he wants from Chef Boyardee himself. And by the time you get back, he probably won’t be hungry anymore. And then ten minutes later, he’ll ask you for some tacos—and you’ll be obligated to cross the border to get him the right hot sauce.
Do parent actually consider that a good idea? Is it a good idea to give a child everything he wants the second he asks for it? What the hell is wrong with a sandwich? Giving your kid one doesn’t make you a bad parent. It doesn’t make you an uncaring parent. It doesn’t tell your kid you don’t care. There are half a million ways to let a child know you care. Throwing away sandwiches isn’t one of them.
Kids need to build character. They need to become self-reliant.
We should drop all of our kids off in Cambodia and let them find their way back home. An experience like that is just what every kid needs. Instead of spending our tax money on extra teachers and desks, we should buy them one way tickets to Cambodia.
That’s part of getting an education. Listening to some teacher brainwash you with liberal nonsense is something else altogether. A Harvard degree is a sign that you’ve been brainwashed by liberals. If you don’t believe me, just look at Harvard graduate Matt Damon. He’s a liberal piece of garbage.
Back when Nixon was president, Harvard graduates weren’t like Matt Damon. People like Matt Damon were tortured every day.
And kids weren’t spoiled. If they wanted something, they had to earn it. By mining for coal or building Buicks. They worked for everything. Even their right to exist.
And they weren’t brainwashed by the liberal media. Elmo and Big Bird were prisoners of war. On Saturday mornings, kids watched Yosemite Sam shooting Bugs Bunny and Wile E. Coyote hunting the Road Runner. And back then, Bugs Bunny and the Road Runner used to die in every episode.
Barack Obama Wasn’t Born in America
Barack Hussein Obama, Jr. was born in Honolulu, Hawaii. That’s what he’s claiming. Barack Hussein Obama, Jr. is a lying liberal son of a bitch. That’s a fact.
Does the liberal media expect us to accept Obama’s claim over a fact? Are they really that shameless? Kim Jong Il is claiming that he invented the hamburger. Should we believe him? Daffy Duck is claiming it’s rabbit season. Should we believe him? Al Gore is claiming he’s sane. Should we believe him?
Everything Obama says is a lie. If he’s claiming to have been born in Honolulu, Honolulu doesn’t exist.
Obama was born on the borders of Kenya, Saudi Arabia, North Korea, and Finland—and not the fairy tale land of Honolulu.
Honolulu is a liberal myth. We’ve been hearing about it ever since 2007—and yet, not a single person has been able to verify its existence over the past three years. But that hasn’t stopped Obama and his supporters from telling us that he—a man who seems to know a lot about Islam, a man who has never been seen eating a Macadamia nut before, a man who has yet to demonstrate a special knowledge of surfing or volcanoes, a man who had ties to communist Frank Marshall Davis, a man whose father was a Kenyan Muslim, a man whose stepfather was an Indonesian Muslim— was born in Hawaii, in an unknown city by the name of Honolulu!
The liberal propaganda site Wiikpedia even went so far as to create an entire page about the “city,” just to back up Obama’s lie. Wikipedia is filled with nonsense. We’re talking about a site that also has entries on such places as Narnia, Oz, and Wonderland; and people like Lucy Ricardo, Archie Bunker, and Barney the Dinosaur.
Wikipedia can’t be trusted. For all we know, Barack Obama might not even exist. Has he ever produced proof of his existence? In all the years that he’s been a Senator and President, has he ever proved that he’s a real person?
Are we just supposed to believe his claims that he’s “Barack Hussein Obama, Jr.” of “Honolulu,” Hawaii. His life story doesn’t even make any sense. His father was a Kenyan Muslim, his mother was an American atheist from Kansas, his stepfather was an Indonesian Muslim, he’s a Christian and former member of a black nationalist Church, he was born in Hawaii, lived in Indonesia, then Hawaii again, then Los Angeles, then New York, then Chicago, then Cambridge, and then Chicago again, and we don’t know anything about his parents, stepfather, grandparents, or his 435 half-siblings?
That’s about as realistic as the Buddha’s biography.
Barack Obama is a liberal piece of garbage. And he doesn’t exist. Nor does Honolulu.
Gay Marriage Should Be Illegal
Gay marriage. Everywhere you go in this country, the majority of people are against it, and the majority of voters are against it. But little by little, it’s becoming legal. Why? Because the government doesn’t care about what you want!
And it’s not just gay marriage, either. Our government is in the habit of not giving us what we want. For instance, 67% of us hate Full House, and yet, the government hasn’t banned that either. In fact, they won’t even let us vote on it!
People who support gay marriage and Full House don’t care about democracy. All they care about is what’s fair.
The whole point of a democracy is to allow the majority to tell everyone else how to live. That’s the point! That’s why Thomas Jefferson and George Washington created an independent state in the first place—so that 200 some odd years later, we’d be able to tell Uncle Jesse and Uncle Joey to #@^%_ off!
But our current horseshit government won’t let us do that—nor will it let us exile Jerry Lewis to France, ban Islam, or put Keith Olbermann in prison.
And I don’t even get why homosexuals are complaining about anything to begin with. I mean, a third of the country allows them to form civil unions, domestic partnerships, and the like, and receive pretty much the same legal benefits given to married couples. And that should be enough for them.
After all, people don’t get married to become regarded as a married couple. They get married for the legal benefits. That’s why anyone does anything. Why do people climb Mount Everest? For the legal benefits. Why do people eat grilled cheese sandwiches? The legal benefits. Why do they play Nintendo and make guacamole? The legal benefits. That’s the sole motive behind anything and everything.
There’s no difference between a marriage and a civil union—and that’s why I’m willing to fight to the death to make sure we continue making a distinction between two things that are exactly the same.
But what’s the whole gay marriage issue really about? Rights. Most notably, the right to restrict other people’s rights. Once the government takes that right away from us, we’ll all go straight to hell. If the government doesn’t start telling people who they can and can’t marry, it’ll only be a matter of time before it starts telling us what to eat, how to spend our Sundays, and what TV shows we can watch!
Mexicans Want to Steal Your Job
Right now, there’s some Mexican guy who wants to steal your job. Your job! He doesn’t care about you. He only cares about himself.
Do you think he needs your job? Do you think he needs it? There are plenty of jobs in Mexico. He could be making sombreros or selling tacos, or whatever the hell they do around there.
But he wants your job. He wants it because he’s an asshole. He moved here just to make things worse for you, and now he’s ready to steal your job.
And once a job is stolen, it’s gone. There are a finite number of jobs in this country—138 million. When we add a new person and give him a job, someone else loses one, and the unemployment rate increases.
A smaller population results in a lower unemployment rate. If we were to exile 10 million employed people, it would create 10 million jobs for everyone else. Exiling 100 million would be even better.
When the Puritans got here in 1620, there were 138 million jobs for 102 people. The average person had over a million of them. In fact, they had more—because there were no liberals in the country. Liberals increase unemployment. When they make decisions, jobs are lost. The pilgrims probably had about a billion jobs each.
Obama Hates America
I haven’t actually read The Audacity of Hope or Dreams from My Father, but that doesn’t change the fact that they prove Obama hates America.
For starters, I had my mind made up the second someone suggested that he might be anti-American. At that point, it was a proven fact.
Plus, someone told me that the books mention how he associated with a few communists. If you’ve ever associated with a communist, you are one. Believe me—I know. I’ve associated with plenty of communists before, and I know exactly what those sons of bitches are like.
And take a look at the cover of The Audacity of Hope. Are you trying to tell me that the man on it isn’t an America hating communist?
Plus, his name is Barack Hussein Obama, Jr. He had the option of going with Barry Soetoro—but he chose Barack Hussein Obama, Jr. He chose that name—and Cat Stevens chose the name Yusuf Islam. Cat Stevens / Yusuf Islam is a Muslim extremist who once stated: “He [Salman Rushdie] must be killed. The Qur’an makes it clear - if someone defames the prophet, then he must die.” Yusuf (not Cat) Islam (not Stevens) said that, and now you’re trying to tell me that Barack (not Barry) Hussein (not Milhous) Obama (not Soetoro), Jr. doesn’t hate America?
Elmo is a Communist / Real Americans Watch Looney Tunes
Have you ever wondered why they never show Looney Tunes on TV anymore? Because the liberal media got rid of it.
Richard Nixon loved Looney Tunes. When he wasn’t watching FOX News or Rambo, he was usually watching Looney Tunes.
Real Americans love Looney Tunes. Sesame Street is for communists. And that garbage is not educational. Have you ever watched it? Watch an abomination known as Elmo’s Song. Millions of kids are watching that liberal crap right now. How the hell is that educational? Half of the lyrics are la-la-la-la.
Do you know how much Nixon learned from the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote? Do you know how much he learned from Elmer Fudd, Bugs Bunny, and Daffy Duck? Do you know how much he learned from Yosemite Sam, Foghorn Leghorn, and the Tasmanian Devil?
If it weren’t for Looney Tunes, Vietnam and Northern Europe would be running the world right now.
Every time your kid watches Elmo, Ho Chih Minh and 100 million Northern Europeans score a victory. Every time your kid watches Yosemite Sam shooting at someone, America wins.
A Biography of Barack Obama
Barack Hussein Obama, Jr. (a.k.a. Barry Soetoro, a.k.a. Chuck Shabbaz III, a.k.a. Tommy Salvatore, a.k.a. Ibrahim ibn-Hakim, a.k.a. Vladimir ameriCommunist, a.k.a. Malcolm Xecute Whitey) was born on the borders of Kenya, Saudi Arabia, North Korea, and Finland on August 4, 1961.
Obama spent his early years learning about jihads and communism in Kenya. And the Soviet Union. In fact, his Godfather Frank Marshall Davis was the secret head of the Soviets (and Cubans) back then.
While in Kenya, Obama became convinced he was the next Prophet of Islam, and he built a Mosque right next to the American embassy and over an Indian burial ground. He also declared Kenya a part of Greater Mecca, and vowed to add the United States to its territory.
He then moved to Indonesia and smoked marijuana in a cave with bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. A few years later, he was back in Kenya. Smoking marijuana. As a member of the Kenyan army.
Oh—and he also spent time in Northern Europe. Smoking more marijuana. And leading an atheist terrorist group. And he vowed to turn the United States into West Northern Europe.
He then moved to Los Angeles as a Kenyan spy. And a Muslim spy. And a Finnish spy. And the antichrist. And while in Los Angeles, he became a black nationalist. He also began telling people he was a Christian. And he co-founded the Trinity United Church of Christ with Reverend Jeremiah “God Damn America" Wright, and disguised his black nationalist anti-American views as Christianity. And of course, he made up the city of Honolulu and claimed he had lived and been born there.
Obama later spent time in New York, Chicago, Cambridge, and Chicago again, and became the head of an organized crime group that smuggled in pornography, suicide bombs, and cocaine. And he married Michelle in order to sell his Christian family man image. Even though he’s actually a bisexual with dozens of lovers—one of whom he killed.
As a Chicago crime boss, Obama became a local community activist and politician in order to advance his operation. And he became an Illinois Senator by threatening to kill millions of Illinoisans.
While “serving" in the Senate. Obama spent the entire time campaigning to become President.
And in 2008, after liberals made Americans obsessed with random celebrities, they turned Obama into some sort of reality TV celebrity who’s famous just for existing—and they got him elected by turning the Presidential Election into something like American Idol.
In 2009, he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize—putting him in the company of such terrorists as Le Duc Tho, Anwar Sadat, and Yasser Arafat. And just like those pieces of garbage, Obama got a tattoo on his buttocks that says “Death to America!"
Obama wants to destroy America, Christianity, Judaism, capitalism, whites, blacks, bald eagles, FOX News, and heterosexual marriage. He wants to force people to smoke marijuana and watch soccer. He wants to tax sunlight and water. And he wants to spend all of our money on his trillionaire lifestyle.
European Lunch Breaks
Europeans spend most of their lives on lunch breaks. Go to any city in Europe at 1 p.m., and the entire city will be on a lunch break. The police, the fire department, the mayor—everyone. They all have to go at the same time. Those can’t take turns. If some European house happens to be on fire during the city’s lunch break, the city will just watch it burn while they drink their cappuccinos. That’s how they do things in Europe. That’s the product of three thousand years worth of civilization.
The average European takes four lunch breaks per day—and each one is over four hours long. Northern Europe is even worse. Over there, they take lunch breaks during their lunch breaks.
90% of Barack Obama’s presidency has been a lunch break. (The other 10% has been a jihad.) He wants to turn this country into West Northern Europe.
But real Americans take five minute lunch breaks. And they spend the entire time thinking about bald eagles, the Grand Canyon, and killing Jim Jong Il.
Andrew Carnegie was the richest man on the planet. Over the course of his life, he spent a grand total of eighty seven minutes on lunch breaks.
Richard Nixon was the greatest American ever. He worked while he ate lunch. He worked while he slept. He died 17 years ago, and he still has yet to take a lunch break. He’s too busy.