Raise Your Glass: Stuck in the Twilight Saga
Written ©righted By: Keith Helinski, 2011.
Smashwords Edition.
To Kevin ‘Joker’ Bruinsma, the biggest anti-Twilight fan around.
There is nothing more tortuous than being stuck at a place you do not want to be at (or, perhaps, do not belong). As life enjoys mocking the innocent, there is something quite tedious over the notion of doing something equivalent to pulling teeth for a loved one. That can be said about Ron, the hero to men everywhere. He risked his own sanity for his significant other. He did it with courage, patience, and daring diligence. In fact, he deserves a medal of recognition for his decency. Next time you go to the bar, drink to Sir Ron: the man of all men.
You see; Ron did a real good deed for his woman. He drove to the nearest mall and waited in line for what seemed like hours late one night. No, it was not Black Friday. And no, it was not your typical line up of people. You are probably thinking, ‘who cares, what makes him so special?’ Well my friends, poor old Ron stood in a line at FYE, waiting for the newest Twilight movie to be released on DVD.
As poor Ron walked into the store, footage of the Twilight movies was showing on the television screens mounted on the walls. As you guessed it, there was a line up of tween girls with TEAM JACOB and TEAM EDWARD shirts. And as predicted, their mothers accompanied them, also in TEAM JACOB and TEAM EDWARD shirts. It was pretty even with the amount of cougars and tweens. Hmmm…you wonder what would happen if dads and their sons had the same enthusiasm for the next Miley Cyrus flick? TEAM double standards, all the way!
Ron, poor-poor Ron, stood in line. No fast pass could get him out of this. He was there, whether he liked it or not! TEAM EDWARD fan was in front of him. TEAM JACOB fan got behind him. And without even a warning, referee, or time out; friction emerged between the two teams.
“Jacob SUCKS!” Team Edward fan said.
“Edward SUCKS! Literally, he sucks!” Team Jacob fan said.
“Oh yeah, Bella chooses Edward! Now why is that, I wonder? It’s because Edward is a REAL MAN!” Team Edward fan said.
“Oh yeah, well…Jacob actually LOVES Bella. He certainly wouldn’t have Bella say goodbye to her family. Edward sucks the big one! In fact, I rewind Harry Potter and Goblet of Fire over and over just to see Edward DIE!” Team Jacob fan said.
The verbal war between the two teams started getting more heated, and poor Ron was in the middle of it.
“Oh yeah! Well…ummmm…” Team Edward tries desperately to come back with an insult worthy of instant ownage, but can only come up with…“Shark boy SUCKS!”
Poor Ron. It was if World War 3 erupted in the middle of FYE, caused by crazed Twilight fans that could not agree which eye-candy team was better to look at. In his mind, he wanted to settle it straight and tell they were both completely and utterly insane for even fighting over something as mundane as Twilight. He wanted to tell all of them, Stephenie Meyer, the architect behind the Twilight fad, is a mediocre writer that ripped off the likes of Anne Rice, Charlaine Harris, and L. J. Smith. Instead, he let the TEAMS go at it. He prayed silently that they would both knock each other out so he did not have to endure the ridiculousness he was in the middle of.
Team Edward fan finally thought of a perfect comeback in her mind, and repeats it like so…
“It must really piss you off that Bella chose Edward over Jacob, and that Bella has Edward’s daughter: Renesmee!” Team Edward fan said
“It actually must piss you off that Jacob is really the one that is in love with Bella, since he falls in love with Renesmee, who looks like Bella.” Team Jacob fan said.
“Eww! Jacob is a pervert for falling in love with Renesmee. And by the way, that’s not true love. As Bella says to Jacob, it’s always been Edward! So, there!” Team Edward fan said.
“Edward is the one that’s a pervert, being a bazillion years old and all! And if I had it my way, Buffy stakes Edward: THE END!” Team Jacob fan said.
They did not comprehend the fact that they are really talking about pedophilia, necrophilia, and bestiality, and the fact that Twilight is wrapped nicely in a preachy ‘abstinence’ bow! Instead, he ignored the two and saw the line up decrease as FYE management handed over the DVDs. One avid fan that didn’t seem to be on either team, yelled out:
“This movie is like, the greatest movie ever!!!...”
"...until the next Twilight movie comes out. Then, like, that will be the greatest movie ever!!!" Ron thought to himself.
Ron looked up to the television screen, and watched Robert Pattinson act his heart out. Contrary to what the critics may say, he does not look like he is reading a queue-card at all. Then Taylor Lautner came on the screen, showcasing his shirtless craft. Girls started to scream at the eye-candy on the screen. For a product that is trying to teach girls that they should wait, their sexual urges reached out and tried to touch one of Lautner’s abs. Finally, Kristen Stewart, with all her range, came on the screen, looking confused as ever, as if she is contemplating what to have for dinner: chicken or beef. One Team-Something yells out ‘BITCH’ as Stewart floated on the screen.
Poor. Poor. Ron. The line got closer and closer to the registers. Team Edward fan in front of him and Team Jacob fan behind him stopped fighting. They were anxiously awaiting their DVD copy. And so was Ron, so he could get the hell out of there. He felt like he was in a Saturday Night Live parody skit of the Twilight phenomenon, but instead of laughing-out-loud to the silliness he was surrounded with, the girls were really serious about this Twi-madness!
Ron finally got up there to the register, handed over the money, received the DVD, and left the store immediately. Team-Something fans were in the corner of the store, reflecting on their purchase. They analyzed the DVD packaging, and already fights were emerging between the two teams with who had more face-space on the DVD cover: Jacob or Edward!
Ron noticed a young teenage boy that looked exactly like Edward Cullen, hanging outside the store. A few tween girls flock to him. No question he would be getting laid that night!
Ron practically ran out of the store, out of the mall, and toward the car. He got in the car and slammed the door for dear life. He went where no man should have gone, and survived the horrific war that took place.
So next time you have a drink, make sure to raise your glass up high and toast Ron, poor-poor Ron. You may laugh now my friends, but you certainly would not be laughing if you were stuck in the Twilight saga war zone between a Team Edward fan and a Team Jacob fan!
****
Silly Keith, ‘Twilight’ is for Tweens! : Keith then decides to seek help at the ‘Vampire Anonymous’
Scenes after the credits roll of Twilight.
Fade In.
Ext. – Outside the window of Bella Swan's room
Edward Cullen: [stands there reciting Romeo and Juliet] O Bella, Bella! wherefore art thou Bella? Sworn my love, Ms. Swan. And you'll no longer be mortal. Join me, and we'll play vampire baseball all day, and eat garlic-free red-blood ice cream all night. We'll walk on the sandy beach, because apparently, sun doesn't kill us – just makes us glimmer. Bella? [he throws a small little pebble to her window, she notices, and walks toward it, opening the window]
Bella Swan: [whiny] God, you watch me sleep like a stalker. Can you give me one second alone? I feel as though you are hovering over me!
Edward: But I love you my love. I mean, weren't you obsessive over me just days ago?
Bella: Yes, until I studied women's rights of the 60s in history class. I realized that losing my identity, my self-confidence, my individualism to please some guy is superficial and quite misogynistic. I know I am in high school, and I am supposed to be completely repressed over my sexual needs and supposed to be conflicted by my increasing indecisive emotions and feelings I have, but this relationship is getting too f'ed up for me right now. I mean, I completely lost my self to the point that I want to kill myself for you. Oh wait…that's in New Moon…I can't tell from one movie to another!
Edward: Wait a minute, this isn't how the book goes. What the fuck (and that will be the only f bomb in this PG-13 movie)?
Bella: No, it's not like we followed the first book anyway. And it's not like this is Shakespeare. I mean, even Stephen King thought the Twilight series sucked.
Edward: Fuck Stephen King. He is a hack.
Bella: The Dark Tower! Hello? You know, something real original and not some watered-down Anne Rice?
Edward: How would you know that?
Bella: I am right now in the middle of reading Interview with the Vampire.
Edward: How? Aren't you watching TV? I can hear it.
Bella: Oh, yeah. I was going through my True Blood DVDs. And tomorrow, I am planning on having an entire day of vampire movies. You should come over and watch them with me. I promise my awkward lame father that doesn't pay much attention to me, even though he got me a truck, won't be around.
Edward: Ok, cool. What are you seeing?
Bella: The Forsaken, The Covenant, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Queen of the Damned. Those vampires don't sparkle!
Edward: Don't think I've seen the first two.
Bella: It's similar to Twilight, but not as corny. Though, the concept of vampires is a bit corny – no offense.
Edward: None taken.
Bella: Anyhow, goodnight. I would kiss you, but then you would be seduced into sucking my blood. And well, we have to keep this abstinence allegory going. After all, this is geared toward tweens.
Edward: If this is geared toward tweens, then…
Bella: [cuts him off] Don't even start. Don't analyze. Don't critique. Don't question. Yes, this is sort of teaching kids the wrong way to go about love. But then taking it away from them is not the answer either. They like what they like, and us telling them what to like and not what to like is going against the principle of freedom, even if this story perceives women of not having their own freedom. It's complicated, like this relationship.
Edward: But don't we tell people what to like, anyhow? I mean, look at me. I am a sex god! I don't have to say anything, and girls flock to me anyways.
Bella: And girls think I am the cunt from hell because I didn't succeed in portraying Bella the way she is in the book, even though the book itself is no Gone With the Wind. But you don't hear me complaining or questioning. I just accept what is. Though, I refuse to change who I am for a guy. No thank you.
Edward: Change who you are? In all due respect, you really didn't show much of your 'true-self' anyhow. You showed more range and character development in In the Land of Women. And you also were decent in Panic Room. Both, you had plenty to say/do. You actually showed emotion. You doubted yourself, sure. But you weren't afraid to be yourself. You showed none of that here. In truth, you were as dull as burnt toast. And to think, I was going to suck blood to a burnt toast chick. Lets hope you show more range in Adventureland. Hell, they should've casted Evan Rachel Wood!
Bella: [hurt] And who are you? Just because you played a small part in Harry Potter, that makes you the next teen sensation? In real life, you look like a mannequin.
Edward turns his back on Bella. Bella turns her back on Edward. They think for a moment, and can not control their unattainable lust for another…
Bella: [cont'd] Hell with it. Come in here.
Edward: But my love, I am not supposed to…we shouldn't…I can't…I couldn't. It's immoral!
Bella: Immoral? I am about to sacrifice myself to a guy. Besides – I read the remaining books. Lets skip over the quantities of fluff to just us having the best vampire-human sex ever in the history of vampire-human sex – and me getting knocked up as a result. Of course, we are going to have some conflicts with our families. Someone wants my baby. Blah-blah-blah. And then it turns into a tween-Underworld.
Edward: Wow. That's awesome! I just hope the CGI is better by then, instead of looking like something that was made for CW television. And besides, I was kind of hoping to wait until we are married, and then have the best vampire-human sex in Brazil.
Bella: …but I want you know.
Edward: Doesn't that ruin movie two and three?
Bella: You're right. Okay. We will wait. Not because I want to wait. But because I have a studio contract, which will piss off all the little bitches that hated me! [looks at the camera] IN YOUR FACE!
Edward: [finishes reciting Shakespeare] Thou art a votary to fond desire. I shall see you again, my love.
Bella: Ummm, me too. But please don't be so obsessive. It's freaking me out. And besides, wouldn't want your vampire friends to think you are whipped or anything?
Edward: You are right. And since you are on the topic, stop being such a psychotic bitch. It isn't my fault I am so dreamy and glimmer in the sun!
Bella: [under her breath] Don't flatter yourself. Johnny Depp is so hotter than you!
Edward leaves. Bella goes back to her reading. But little did she know, Shark Boy was lurking from a distance…
Fade out.
****
Mockery of Twilight – Author’s Note
I skimmed through the first two books. I saw the first movie out of shits and giggles. I was dragged to the second movie out of obligation. I haven’t seen the third movie. And don’t think I am neither planning to anytime soon (nor the fourth and fifth movie).
The second parody I wrote was written back in 2009, inspired from the editing-room.com’s own parody of Twilight.
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Raise Your Glass was written earlier this year (2011). It is very much based on a true story. I did indeed, stood in line at a FYE, waiting with Twi-nerds for New Moon. I did it out obligation to my ex. 99% of the dialogue came from real people’s mouths – not my imagination (kind of depressing, actually!)
Many Twilight parodies exist, but very few makes fun of the fans. Raise Your Glass is not a great story, or great parody, by any means. But it’s my way of poking fun at the fans (including my former better half and her mother – and I know they aren’t the only mother/daughter that treats this garbage like religion!) You really can’t deny how successful the books (and the movies) are. And the more successful something is, the easier it is to jab at it.
Stephenie Meyer is someone to really inspire from. She gives all writers (including myself) hope that if she can write crap and get successful, there’s hope for all of us!
K.H.; October 6, 2011.