How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship
What You Need to Know About Domestic Violence
By Donna J. Farris
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2011 Donna J. Farris
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Smashwords Edition, License Notes
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Dedication
This book is dedicated to those with the courage to help a friend in need.
Table of Contents
Chapter 1 - Statistics on Domestic Violence
Chapter 2 - Factual Answers to Frequently Asked Questions
Chapter 3 - What the Bible Says About Domestic Violence
Chapter 4 - Practical Ways to Help a Friend
In addressing the complex and often perplexing issues that permeate the subject of domestic violence our best insights often come by simply listening to the victims. Consider the following true quotes from abused women:
1-“Six weeks after I married my husband, I discovered he had a cruel, violent streak. His angry outbursts (such as throwing a pan through the sliding glass door in the kitchen, habitually kicking the dog, his endless ranting and ravings about simple inconveniences, and his frightening threats to hurt me or the kids) got progressively worse until I left one night. But he followed me and tried to force my car off the road. Our newborn son was in the back seat...The church we had been attending encouraged me to submit to his authority and return home so I returned. Despite weeks of pastoral counsel, the violence seemed to get worse. I finally decided to leave for good. Now the church doesn’t want to help me because no one wants to alienate him. I don’t know how I will be able to raise our three children on my salary of eleven hundred dollars a month.”
2-“Unless you’ve been there, you don’t know what it’s like. For about three years now, my husband has slapped me across the face, dragged me across the room by my hair, and refused to allow me to leave the house alone even to go grocery shopping. I am a virtual prisoner in my own home. He has brutally raped me on several occasions. We’ve talked to preachers and counselors who said I should try and make my husband happy while he was trying to find himself as a man. They said things would get better. Then they told my husband that if I divorced him, I would go to hell for sinning against God’s will for marriage. But no one addressed his abuse. All they said was, ‘have faith in God and everything will be ok.’”
3-“My husband professes to be a Christian. I used to believe him, but I don’t know anymore. The physical abuse is just the tip of the iceberg. It’s the emotional part that’s the most painful. He is always telling me I’m in sin; that I’m not submissive like I’m supposed to be; that I’m emotionally disturbed and crazy... He is always quoting the Bible to prove how wrong I am...He is very controlling. He keeps all the money and I have to go to him for even the smallest things like shoestrings...[People talk about how it] becomes harder and harder for women to leave because they get worn down and exhausted from dealing with the situation and the brainwashing that goes on, and it is brainwashing. After a while I begin to question myself about whether his accusations about me are correct. I’m always thinking, ‘What if he’s right?’...No one in my circle of friends or acquaintances calls me anymore, and no one at church even wants to sit with me. They all believe his side of the story. I feel so alone…some days I don’t know if I will make it one more day.”
4-“After years of visits to emergency rooms, reconstructive surgeries, dislocated shoulders, and more black eyes than I can remember, I finally filed felony assault charges against my husband only to drop them when he agreed to pastoral counseling. But during the counseling session, the pastor continually avoided the issue of spousal abuse so evident within our marriage. Instead, he focused on what my role as a wife was. He told me to submit to my husband and try not to ‘set him off.’ The pastor also indicated that I was expecting too much of my husband. Yet in all those visits, the pastor never told my husband about his biblical responsibility to love and care for me. And not once did the pastor ever reprimand my husband for his violence, ask him to step down from his leadership position, or refer him to a batterer’s program. I left those counseling sessions feeling empty, believing God did not care for me at all...[Removing an eye patch which revealed a badly swollen eye and bruised face she asked], ‘I truly hate him for hurting me like this, but what if I really do burn in hell for breaking up my marriage? And I ask you, could hell be any worse than having to live like this?’”
Chapter 1 - Statistics on Domestic Violence
***Domestic violence kills four and a half million women every year.
***A woman is beaten every 9 seconds. [NBC Nightly News, NBC television network, October, 1996; Domestic Violence, documentary series segment on The Justice Files, Discovery Channel, 1998; and The Facts: Family Violence Prevention website.]
***Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15-44 in the United States - more than car accidents, muggings, rapes and cancer combined. [Journal of The American Medical Association, Surgeon General, United States Public Health Services, 276, no. 23 (June 17, 1992), 3132.]
***Battering is considered a misdemeanor in most states rather than a felony. Yet injuries suffered by battered women are at least as serious as injuries suffered in 90 percent of violent felony crimes. [The Gender Bias Committee’s Domestic Violence Study, by Joan Zorza, The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence Fact Sheet, 1989.]
***The former United States Surgeon General, C. Everett Koop, labeled domestic violence the “number one health problem in America.” [Televised news conference from the White House, Washington, D.C., CBS television network, March 1, 1989.]
***A national crime survey labeled the American home at night the most dangerous place to be and the most likely setting for homicide to occur. [Battered Into Submission, James and Phyllis Alsdurf, Wipf and Stock Publishers, 1998.]
***Domestic Violence is the most underreported crime in America. Only ten percent of all domestic violence incidents are ever reported. [Report on Domestic Violence: Net Benefits Cause of the Month, United States Federal Bureau of Investigation website: www.netbenefits.com/causes/html.]
*** Violence occurs on a regular, ongoing basis in 24-30 percent of all homes in America. [Fact Sheet - Colorado Coalition Against Domestic Violence, website: www.psynet.net/ccav, 1998.]
***Up to thirty-five percent of the women who visit emergency rooms are there for injuries related to ongoing abuse. [The Journal of American Medical Association, National Coalition Against Domestic Violence Fact Sheet, 1990.]
***Contrary to the belief that domestic violence works both ways, in 95% of all domestic violence assaults, crimes are committed by men against women. [Battered But Not Broken, Patricia Riddle Gaddis, Judson Press, 1996.]
***About 75% of the calls to law enforcement for intervention and assistance in domestic violence occur after separation from batterers. One study revealed that half of the homicides of female spouses and partners were committed by men after separation from their batterers. [Remarks to the Task Force on Child Abuse and Neglect, Senator Barbara Hart, Esquire Magazine, April, 1992.]
***The National Clearing House for the Defense of Battered women reports that divorced and separated women are battered fourteen times as often as women still living with their partners and account for 75% of all battered women. [Legislative History of S.B. 924, 1995, passed into law as California Code of Civil Procedure, as reported in the book, Stop Domestic Violence - an Acton Plan for Saving Lives, Lou Brown, Francios Dubau, and Merritt McKeon, St Martin Press, 1997.]
***The National Coalition against Domestic Violence says that for every woman who is admitted into a shelter, two are turned away; a number that more than doubles in some urban areas. [Broken and Battered, Muriel Canfield, Howard Publishing Company, 2000.]
***Violence will occur at least once in fifty percent of all marriages. [Colorado Coalition Against Domestic Violence Fact Sheet, 1998, website: www.psynet.net/ccav]
***Roughly every other married woman will at some point in her marriage experience at least one incident of physical violence at the hands of her husband. [Battered Into Submission, James and Phyllis Alsdurf, Wipf and Stock Publishers, 1998.]
***In the United States, fifty percent of all homeless women and children are on the streets because they have fled from an abusive living situation. [Legal Reform Efforts for Battered Women, report by Elizabeth Schneider, self-published, 1990.]
***Women who leave their batterers are at a 75 percent greater risk of being killed by the batterer than are those who stay. [Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them, Paul Hegstrom, Beacon Hill Press, Kansas City, MO,1999.]
***Women of all cultures, races, occupations, income levels, and ages are battered by husbands, boyfriends, lovers and partners. [Domestic Violence: Battered Women, Surgeon General Antonia Novello, a publication of the Reference Department of the Cambridge Public Library, Cambridge, MA.]
***The American family and the American home are perhaps more violent than any other single American institution or setting with the exception of the military in time of war. [Behind Closed Doors: Violence in the American Family, Murray A. Straus, Richard J. Gelles, and Suzanne K. Steinmetz, Anchor Press, New York, NY, 1981.]
The Abuser:
***In almost every instance, outside intervention is needed to stop the abuse. Even if confronted by family or friends about his need for treatment, few violators will stay in a treatment program without a court order. In order to change their behavior pattern, they need help to see that violent behavior is abnormal. [Abuse in the Family, Karen Burton Mains, David C. Cook Publishing Co., 1987.]
***Violence is used by the perpetrator in a relationship as a means to gain control over the victim. [Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them, Paul Hegstrom, Beacon Hill Press, Kansas City, MO, 1999.]
***About one-third of the men counseled for battering at Emerge are professional men who are well respected in their jobs and their communities. These include doctors, psychologists, lawyers, ministers, and business executives. [For Shelter and Beyond, Massachusetts Coalition of Battered Women Service Groups, Boston, MA, 1990.]
***Weapons are used in thirty percent of domestic violence incidents. [Special Report: Family Violence, P. Claus and M. Ranel, United States Bureau of Justice Statistics, article undated.]
***According to a report from United States Senator Barbara Boxer on September 2, 1993, nine-tenths of all family violence defendants are never prosecuted, and one third of the cases that would be considered felonies, if committed by strangers, are filed as misdemeanors. [Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them, Paul Hegstrom, Beacon Hill Press, Kansas City, MO,1999.]
***All studies indicate that battering is learned behavior. Between sixty and eighty percent of batterers grew up watching their fathers abuse their mothers. [Battered But Not Broken, Patricia Riddle Gaddis, Judson Press, 1996.]
What About the Children:
***Male children who witness adult-to-adult domestic violence are, as adults, 700 times more likely to beat their female partners. Male children who also are physically abused are, as adults, 1,000 times more likely to beat their female partners. [Behind Closed Doors: Violence in the American Family, Murray A. Straus, Richard J. Gelles, and Suzanne K. Steinmetz, Anchor Press, New York, NY, 1981.]
***Of children who witness wife battering, 40 percent suffer anxiety, 48 percent suffer depression, 53 percent act out with parents, and 60 percent act out with siblings. [Forgotten Victims of Family Violence, Social Work, July, 1982.]
***Current estimates of family violence in the United States suggest that three to five children in every classroom may witness violence in their homes. [Colorado Coalition against Domestic Violence Fact Sheet, 1998, website: www.psynet.net/ccav]
Youth Violence:
***While violent crime in this country seems to have reached a plateau, one of the highest increases in violent crime is occurring in teen dating relationships. [Quote from a California Family Court Judge.]
***One in three teens experience some form of relationship violence before they graduate from high school or college. [Article published by the YWCA’s Domestic Violence Institute in the San Diego Union-Tribune, May 2, 1998.]
***Teens do not know that their boyfriend’s physical abuse is wrong. [Article published by the YWCA’s Domestic Violence Institute in the San Diego Union-Tribune, May 2, 1998.]
Costs of Domestic Violence:
***Medical costs from domestic violence total at least $3 to $5 billion annually. At least another $100 billion can be added to the cost to businesses in lost wages, sick leave, non-productivity, and absenteeism. [Domestic Violence for Health Care Providers, Fact Sheet from the Colorado Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1991.]
***Each year, domestic violence leads to 100,000 days of hospitalization, 301,000 emergency room visits, and almost 40,000 visits to a physician. [Five Issues in American Health, The American Medical Association, 1991.]
***Some estimates place the annual price tag companies in America pay for violence in the home as high as $5 billion. [Domestic Violence and the Workplace, The Family Violence Prevention Fund Web Page.]
***According to a 1996 National Institute of Justice Study, domestic crimes against adults account for almost fifteen percent of total crime costs which currently tops $67 billion per year. [www.gotec.net/dv/info.html dated 9-14-00.]
***In a 1994 survey of senior executives of Fortune 1,000 companies, 66 percent of the respondents believed that a company’s financial performance would benefit from addressing the issue of domestic violence among its employees. [www.gotec.net/dv/info.html dated 9-14-00.]
***It is estimated that 25% of workplace problems such as absenteeism, lower productivity, turnover and excessive use of medical benefits are due to family violence. [Employee Assistance Providers - MN, the National Clearinghouse for the Defense of Battered Women, 125 9th St., Suite 302, Philadelphia, PA 19107.]
Chapter 2 -Factual Answers to Frequently Asked Questions
How does someone become a batterer?...Eighty to ninety percent of men who are violent with their partners witnessed their fathers abuse their mothers or were abused themselves as children. Such childhood traumas contribute to low self-esteem and general feelings of being out of control as an adult. These early experiences have also taught men to cope with problems of stress by using violence. Society has encouraged or condoned such violence by perpetuating values that a “real man” is aggressive and forceful; that violence is acceptable at certain times; that women are acceptable targets of violence; that women enjoy pain; and that women and children are a man’s property.
If a batterer is using alcohol or drugs and stops, won’t the violence stop as well?...Not usually. There are many families where both violence and chemical abuse are problems, but one does not cause the other. Both problems need their own treatment. If a person is chemically dependent this must be addressed before treatment for other problems will be effective.
Isn’t battering only a momentary loss of temper?...Battering is the establishment of control and fear in a relationship through violence and other forms of abuse. The batterer uses acts of violence and a series of behaviors, including intimidation, threats, psychological abuse, isolation, etc. to coerce and to control the other person. The violence may not happen often, but it remains as a hidden (and constant) terrorizing factor.
Can a batterer change? Is there hope?...A violent person is using that violence to release feelings of anger, fear, frustration, etc. Such a person lacks the interpersonal skills to express those feelings in constructive, positive ways. The problem is that many batterers experience few, if any, real consequences for their violent behavior. Many men will not seek assistance without strong motivations, such as their partner leaving them or the court ordering them to do so. Suggestions from the batterer’s friends and family that he seek assistance can also be encouraging. But unless and until batterers are consistently held accountable for their actions, they will not seek assistance, no matter how bad they say they feel or how much they profess to want to change.
However, there is hope. It is possible for batterers to change their violent behavior, but they must be able to admit that they have a problem, take responsibility for their own actions and seek professional help. They usually must remain in ongoing counseling for a significant period of time before newly learned responses become a permanent part of their behavioral patterns.
Is it true that if children never actually see the abuse, they won’t be affected by it?...It is rare for children who live in violent homes to escape seeing and hearing the violent incidents. And even if children never actually witness the violence in any way, they are still affected by the attitudes and emotional states of both parents.
My husband says if I hadn’t provoked him, he wouldn’t have lost control. Is this true?...Every person has the right to respectfully express their personal feelings and opinions without fear of reprimand. A woman has the right to express her anxieties, fears, hopes and desires. She has a right to ask questions and get a civil response. She has a right to disagree with her husband and to expect mutually-respectful conflict resolution. And she has the right to be involved in the decision-making process in her marriage.
The problem is a controlling man views all such “rights” as a threat to his pattern of control. He views her individual expression as provocation and a challenge to his authority. The abuser sees his wife as a possession instead of a person with inherent human value. He does not have the ability to recognize his wife as a partner and the equal member of a team.
Nevertheless, the abuser is personally responsible for his reactive behavior. No one else is to blame. No woman deserves to be physically abused, no matter what she does or does not do. Short of genuine self-defense, no behavior justifies violence, no matter what the provocation. The mature, responsible male should be in control of his anger, which may mean taking a “time out,” until he is ready to responsibly address the conflict. The problem is the batterer does not possess such skills, and needs professional intervention and counseling to acquire them.
What’s the difference between power and authority?...“Power and authority must not be confused”, cautions Charles Colson. “Power is the ability to affect one’s ends or purposes in the world. Authority is having not only the power (might), but the right to affect one’s purpose. Power is often maintained by naked force; authority springs from a moral foundation. While power is not inherently evil, it is ‘inherently corrupting.’”
Violence is a sign of the batterer’s choice to allow the authority given him by God as the servant-leader of his family to become corrupted into an unrestrained, self-serving demonstration of his “power” over the family. The Bible says, “The evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.” The batterer is a living example of the truth of this proverb.
Shouldn’t a wife just learn to be more understanding of her husband’s needs?...Typically, most battered women already exert tremendous amounts of emotional energy attempting to meet the needs of their abuser. Along the way, women also become expert at hiding the truth not realizing their actions are in fact reinforcing the very violence destroying their lives.
He hits her. The neighbors call the police. She says she fell and refuses to press charges. She repeatedly thwarts the efforts of law enforcement to bring the criminal in her home to justice. She skillfully hides incriminating evidence and makes excuses to his employer. In fact, after every violent incident most battered women are busy not only nursing their own wounds, but ensuring no one finds out how they were inflicted.
But by working to consistently conceal the batterer’s behavior, the battered woman only succeeds in negatively reinforcing his violence. And by doing so, she is actually reinforcing tantrum behavior in a man who on the exterior may be very macho, but inside is as possessive as a two-year-old child.
Rather than learning techniques for being more sensitive to her husband’s desires, the wife of a batterer needs to learn to let her husband grow up and bear the full consequences of his violent actions. He needs to learn to take responsibility for controlling his impulses and the only way this will occur is if she stops shielding him from his actions, no matter how painful the repercussions.
If a Christian wife would just learn to be more submissive, wouldn’t her husband’s behavior change?...It is a popular conviction that by submitting to violence a woman will win her husband to the Lord or, in the case of a Christian husband, help him see the error of his ways. However, accumulating clinical evidence suggests that the single worst action a victim can take is to submit to an abusive partner.
Researcher Megan Jobling asserts that the submissive behavior of battered wives might itself provoke their husbands. And in his book, Family Violence, George Thorman contends that a battered woman’s use of compliance as a coping strategy can be dangerous since in many cases the more submissive she becomes the more her husband will abuse her.
How can an abused wife persuade her husband to get help?...She can’t! The single best course of action is for the battered wife to get help for herself. As she begins to develop her own personality, her own individuality and set personal goals and boundaries, her abuser will start feeling left out and will start reacting to his loss of control. If there is physical violence in the home, consequences are the only things the abuser will understand. This may mean a time of structured separation under the supervision of a trained counselor. Most of the time, the abuser is motivated to change by loss and the fear of abandonment.
How can anyone help restore a marriage without counseling the couple together?...First things first! It is too dangerous to discuss the problems of marriage until everyone is safe. Any problems with conflict resolution or communication cannot be realistically discussed while the husband is blatantly abusing power. Trust and confidence cannot be developed unless safety is first achieved.
Adequate attention needs to be given to ensure both the wife and the children are safely housed away from the abuser’s reach. Until that has been achieved, and the abuser has agreed to honor the new living arrangements and submit to the counseling process, no amount of marriage counseling will change the destructive dynamics of that relationship. Many experts believe that couples need to live separately and individually undergo counseling for at least two years before any discussion of cohabitation should be entertained.
When Christians talk about reconciliation with the abuser, don’t they really mean that the woman should just, “Kiss and make up?”...In secular arenas the term, “reconciliation” is considered tantamount to demanding that the abused woman stay imprisoned in the cycle of violence. Nothing could be farther from the truth!
It is no small matter to speak of reconciliation between a victim of physical and emotional abuse and her abuser. “Brutality, no matter who commits it, confronts us with one of the most agonizing crisis of forgiveness,” says ethicist Lewis Smedes. “And forgiveness,” he notes, “is a miracle that has no equal. While certain steps can and must be taken if reconciliation is to be set in motion, true reconciliation involves healing, and that is the work of the divine.”
There would be no reconciliation were it not for Christ’s redemptive act in history. The source of reconciliation is God, "who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation” (2 Corinthians 5:18).
The substance of reconciliation is hope grounded in the fact that Christ overcame death and provided the avenue for us to be reconciled to God and one another. The gospel of Jesus Christ is the hope of change for both the batterer and those abused.
Chapter 3 - What the Bible Says About Domestic Violence
Since God is inevitably used to perpetuate spousal violence, how are family and friends to know how to accurately handle the “words of life,” confident they are offering their loved ones unadulterated, godly encouragement? The answer is both simple and vital. They must go directly to the source!
Through close examination and meditation upon the very words of God - the Loving Designer of the institution of marriage - both victims and perpetuators will be able to discern between what is and is not true about their individual identity and incredible human worth. Men and women will discover God’s good purpose for their lives, as well as the duties and responsibilities towards their spouse. By concurrently seeking to understand and embrace biblical truths, couples can be reconciled to God first. Then with His strength at their disposal, couples can begin the process of moving towards the restoration of relational harmony in their homes.
The following portions of scripture will provide honest, straight-forward insights into the heart and mind of God regarding the tangled web of deceit known as “domestic violence.” Selected to circumspectly examine the varied issues, these verses are loosely grouped by topic. However such groupings in no way limit their spiritual and personal application.
General scriptures for yielded, Spirit-filled Christian living:
***“and looking upon them Jesus said to them, 'With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.’" Matthew 19:26
***“...Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple...” Luke 14:26-35
***“Do not be conformed to this world…but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what the will of God is.” Romans 12:1-2
***“And He died for all, that they who live should no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf.” II Corinthians 5:15
***“Bear one another’s burdens and thus fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2
***“And let our people also learn to engage in good deeds to meet pressing needs, that they may not be unfruitful.” Titus 3:14
***“If you see your brother…without clothing…daily food…and do not give them what is necessary...what use is that?” James 2:15-16
***“He who shuts his ear to the cry of the poor [needy], will also cry himself and not be answered." Proverbs 21:13
***“Where there is no vision, the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory." Proverbs 11:14
Causes of Domestic Violence:
***“And they heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden, in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God...and the LORD God called to the man and said to him, ‘Where are you?’ [And the man said], ‘I heard the sound of Thee and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid myself...’ [The Lord replied,] ‘Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?’ And the man said, ‘The woman whom Thou gavest me,’ [‘it’s all her fault!’”] Genesis 3:8-12. Blame-shifting and refusal to accept responsibility for personal actions is a key component of domestic violence.
***“The fool has said in his heart, ‘There is no God’. They are corrupt, they have committed abominable deeds…there is no one who does good, not even one.” Psalms 14:1-3
***“God made men upright, but they have sought out many [evil] devices.” Ecclesiastes 7:29
***“The hearts of the sons of men are full of evil, and insanity is in their hearts.” Ecclesiastes 9:3
***“The person who sins will die. The son will not bear the punishment for the father's iniquity, nor will the father bear the punishment for the son's iniquity; the righteousness of the righteous will be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked will be upon himself.” Ezekiel 18:20
***“...for I know that nothing good dwells in me…in my flesh.” Romans 7:17 - 8:1
***“…the mind set on the flesh [self] is hostile toward God…and those in the flesh cannot please God.” Romans 8:6-8
***“...for men will be lovers of self…arrogant...revilers...unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited...holding to a form of godliness; although they have denied its power; and avoid such men as these...” 2 Timothy 3:1-6
***“What is the source of your quarrels…your pleasures…you lust…you are envious…fight and quarrel…do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God?” James 4:1-4
***“Now the deeds of the flesh are evident which are...enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissentions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you and just as I have forewarned you that those who practice such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.” Galatians 5:19-21
***“For each one will bear his own load...Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh shall from the flesh reap corruption.” Galatians 6:5-8
Hope and comfort for victims of domestic violence:
***“How blessed is the man [or woman] who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked [anyone who does not love Jesus Christ].” Psalms 1
***“He restores my soul." Psalms 23:3
***“For the LORD God is a sun and a shield; the Lord gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” Psalms 84:11-12
***“For the LORD takes pleasure in His people; He will beautify the afflicted ones with salvation.” Psalms 149:4
***“‘For I know the plans that I have for you’, declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope.’” Jeremiah 29:11
***“The LORD’s loving-kindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail...they are new every morning...Great is His faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:19-40
***“And I will have compassion on her who had not obtained compassion.” Hosea 2:23
***“For your husband is your Maker, whose name is the LORD of hosts.” Isaiah 54:4-8
***“For nothing will be impossible with God.” Luke 1:37
***“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever would believe in Him would not perish, but have everlasting life.” John 3:16
***“The thief [the Devil] comes only to steal, and kill, and destroy. I [Jesus] came that they may have life and might have it abundantly.” John 10:10
***“For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes.” Romans 1:16
***“If God is for us, who can be against us?” Romans 8:31
***“All things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28
***“What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?” Romans 8:31
***“Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing...” Romans 15:13
***“If any man is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.” I Corinthians 5:17
***“God is faithful who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able.” I Corinthians 10:13
***“…we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed…” 2 Corinthians 4:8-10
***“…I am well content with weaknesses…for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong…” 2 Corinthians 12:10
***“…He Himself is our peace…” Ephesians 2:11-14
***“Now to Him who is able to do exceeding abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us…” Ephesians 3:20
***“For He delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in who we have redemption the forgiveness of sins.” Colossians 1:13
***“And in Him you have been made complete, and He is the head over all rule and authority.” Colossians 2:10
***“…and when you were dead in your transgressions…He made you alive together with Him…” Colossians 2:13-15
***“God our Father, who has loved us and given us eternal comfort and good hope by grace, will comfort and strengthen your hearts for every good work and word.” 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
***“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God's own possession that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light. For once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.” I Peter 2:9-10
***“...and He shall wipe away every tear from their eye: and there shall no longer be any death; there shall no longer be any mourning; or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4
Promises of Protection to those who love God:
***“For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His.” 2 Chronicles 16:9
***“Hide me in the shadow of Thy wings...” Psalms 17:7-8
***“The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the defense of my life; whom shall I dread?…Though a host encamp against me, my heart will not fear...” Psalms 27:1-3
***“…the Angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear Him, and rescues them….” Psalms 34
***“…I have not yet seen the righteous forsaken…He delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in Him.” Psalms 37
***“…because he has loved Me...He will call upon Me and I will answer Him; I will be with him in trouble…” Psalms 91
***“Be gracious to me, O God...for my soul takes refuge in Thee; and in the shadow of Thy wings I will take refuge, until destruction passes by. I will cry to God Most High, to God who accomplishes all things for me. He will send from heaven and save me...” Psalms 57:1-3
***“Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.” Psalms 62:8
***“In Thee, O LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be ashamed...Rescue me, O my God, out of the hand of the wicked, out of the grasp of the wrongdoer and ruthless man, for Thou art my hope...” Psalms 71:1-6
***“Whom have I in heaven but Thee? And besides Thee, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalms 73:26
***“Give ear, O LORD to my prayer, and give heed to the voice of my supplications! In the day of trouble I shall call upon Thee. For Thou will answer me.” Psalms 86:6-8
***“The Lord is for me: I will not fear. What can man do to me?” Psalms 118:5-9
***“He is a shield to those who walk in integrity.” Proverbs 2:7
***“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril or sword?...For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:35-39
***“…put on the full armor of God that you may be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil…” Ephesians 6:10-18
***“But the Lord is faithful and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one.” 2 Thessalonians 3:3
To the Abuser:
***“The one who loves violence, His [God’s] soul hates.” Psalms 11:5
***“Do not trust in oppression...” Psalms 62:10-12
***“...for the mouth of those who speak lies will be stopped.” Psalms 63:11b
***“...they hold fast to themselves an evil purpose; they talk of laying snares secretly; they say, ‘Who can see them?’ They devise injustices, saying, ‘We are ready with a well conceived plot.’...But God will shoot at them with an arrow; suddenly they will be wounded. So they will make him stumble; their own tongue is against them; all who see them will shake their head. Then all men will fear and will declare the work of God, and will consider what He has done.” Psalms 64:1-10
***“...then I perceived their end. Surely Thou dost set them in slippery places; thou dost cast them down to destruction. How they are destroyed in a moment! They are utterly swept away by sudden terrors.” Psalms 73:17b-19
***“...the Lord hates…haughty eyes…a lying tongue…hands that shed innocent blood…wicked plans…one who spreads strife among brothers…” Proverbs 6:16-19
***“Evil men do not understand justice, but those who seek the Lord understand all things.” Proverbs 28:5
***“...but the mouth of the wicked conceals violence.” Proverbs 10:6b
***“Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body and refreshment to your bones.” Proverbs 3:7-8
***“He who despises his neighbor [or his wife] lacks sense.” Proverbs 11-12
***“The merciful man does himself good, but the cruel man does himself harm.” Proverbs 11:17
***“A quick tempered man acts foolishly, and a man of evil devices is hated.” Proverbs 14:17
***“He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly.” Proverbs 14:29
***“There is a way that seems right to a man; but its end is the way of death.” Proverbs 16:25
***“A worthless man digs up evil, while his words are as a scorching fire. A perverse man spreads strife, and a slanderer separates intimate friends. A man of violence entices his neighbor, and leads him in a way that is not good. He who winks his eyes does so to devise perverse things; He who compresses his lips brings evil to pass.” Proverbs 16:27-30
***“A man of great anger shall bear the penalty; for if you rescue him, you will only have to do it again.” Proverbs 19:19
***“What is desirable in a man is his kindness, and it is better to be a poor man than a liar.” Proverbs 19: 22
***“The violence of the wicked will drag them away, because they refuse to act with justice.” Proverbs 21:7
***“‘Proud', 'Haughty', and 'Scoffer', are his names, who acts with insolent pride.” Proverbs 21:24
***“He who says to the wicked, 'You are righteous', peoples will curse him, nations will abhor him; but to those who rebuke the wicked will be delight, and a good blessing will come upon them.” Proverbs 22:24-25
***“…let the wicked forsake his ways…For He will abundantly pardon…” Isaiah 55:6-9
***“[God speaking]…should I not have compassion on…persons who do not know the difference between their right and left hand?” Jonah 4:11
***“…the Lord is witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously…” Malachi 2:13-17
***“....it is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick. But go and learn what this means ‘I desire compassion, and not sacrifice’. For I did not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance.” Matthew 9:12-13
***“…whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to stumble...it is better for him…that he be drowned in the depth of the sea.” Matthew 18:5-7
***“…he who resists authority has opposed the ordinance of God…” Romans 13:1-7
***“…love is the fulfillment of the law…” Romans 13:8-10
***“…remove the wicked man from among yourselves.” I Corinthians 5:9-13
***“But if anyone does not provide for his own, especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever.” I Timothy 5:8
Chapter 4 - Practical Ways to Help a Friend
You may have a friend, relative, co-worker, or neighbor who is being physically abused. You may have witnessed the violence, heard the arguments, seen the injuries, or for various reasons merely suspected there was something wrong. What should you do? Below are practical ways you can help save lives, heal broken hearts, and perhaps restore fractured relationships.
***If you see or hear an assault in progress, CALL 911. Don’t wait! Do not try to physically intervene yourself. These are violent, criminal, dangerous acts.
***Encourage your friend to fully cooperate with law enforcement and not take revenge into her own hands.
***Educate yourself about domestic violence. Simply put, it is about power and control. Period!
***Know that domestic violence is a violent crime and is never acceptable at any time for any reason. There are no excuses for relationship violence.
***Help your friend understand that domestic violence is an abomination to God and nowhere in the Bible does God ever command nor expect a woman to “submit” to such terror and brutally, no matter what her abuser may tell her. She has every right to take appropriate actions to protect and preserve her life and the lives of her children.
***Help your friend understand the violence is not her fault and she has done nothing to deserve it. Her abuser is solely responsible for his actions, both legally and theologically.
***Let her know she is not alone. Millions of women from every walk of life have been abused by their intimate partners.
***If she says she is afraid, believe her! Encourage her to trust her instincts.
***Encourage your friend to call 911 the first time violence occurs. She may not get another chance to ask for help.
***Don’t ignore your own instincts. God has put you in a position to notice what others may not see or what others may not be willing to address. Your inaction may result in serious bodily injury or possibly even death.
***Help your friend recognize the cycles of violence. Prepare her for the contrition and promises of change to come from the abuser following a violent outburst. Let her know in spite of his promises, the violence will continue and escalate without some kind of crisis intervention: i.e. separation, legal and pastoral intervention, or prosecution.
***Tell her the truth. Don’t minimize her risk. Without immediate intervention and long-term counseling the violence will reoccur.
***If an assault has recently occurred, strongly encourage her to seek immediate medical attention. Her injuries may be more serious than she realizes. If appropriate, offer to take her to the Emergency Room or to a doctor’s office. Be cautious if taking her to her regular family physician.
***If your friend thinks she is being watched or followed, or her conversations monitored, they probably are. Encourage her to use extreme caution. As soon as possible, assist her in creating a Safety Plan for all contingencies. Encourage her to notify local law enforcement of her concerns.
***Encourage her to keep a detailed log of all harassing encounters, phone calls, emails or text messages, or stalking incidents.
***Explain to her the many ways her actions and conversations can be monitored in this day of technology. Help her examine safe ways to use smart phones, GPS tracking systems in her car, home computer internet usage, baby monitors, Facebook, other social networking sites, etc. These are easy to monitor and track without her knowledge. Help her find ways to minimize the risks of unwanted surveillance.
***Reaffirm your friendship and support. You may be the only person she has ever confided in about the violence in her home. Whether or not you agree with her decisions, let her know you will always be there for her. She needs to know she has trustworthy Christian allies in this crisis and that she is not alone.
***Affirm your belief in her intelligence, value, and decision-making skills. Help her think logically, step-by-step through her options. Strengthen her problem-solving abilities, while helping her honestly evaluate the consequences of each action.
***Don’t rush into providing quick solutions or offer “pat” answers to the enormous challenges she faces.
***Carefully gather the facts. Ask gentle, but direct questions. She may be very uncomfortable at first. Let her know you are not prying, but have serious concerns about her safety and because you care, are seeking only the truth.
***Be patient as she tells her story. It may be very difficult for her to honestly share her abusive experiences.
***Listen without judging. As abused women usually believe their abusers’ negative messages, your friend already feels inferior and inadequate. She needs to know she can safely share her deepest thoughts and emotions without fear of condemnation or ridicule.
***Unless she is putting herself or her children in imminent danger, honor her choices, even if you disagree. Support her. Don’t try to control her.
***Let her know there is help available when she decides to leave. Give her a listing of the domestic violence hotlines, shelters, programs, and legal advocacy services in your area. Look in the Yellow Pages under “Domestic Violence Services” for local information or contact your local police or sheriff’s department for a list of qualified referral services in your area.
***Be an advocate for her children. Let them know you are there for them as well. If appropriate, give them your phone number in case of emergency. Help the children identify and obtain appropriate local support services as well.
***If she has a faith-based world-view, help her understand domestic violence is never acceptable to God. She has every right to take steps to protect herself and her children.
***Be very aware of your own beliefs, opinions and theological biases regarding male/female roles, marriage, domestic violence, separation, divorce and remarriage. Search the scriptures and ask God to give you new insights into His heart and mind regarding these issues. Don’t be afraid to let God challenge your own preconceived spiritual beliefs.
***She may ask your assistance in obtaining a Temporary Restraining Order, a legal separation or to begin divorce proceedings. She may ask you to be a material witness to those proceedings. Prayerfully decide how you will respond should this occur. No one wants to see a marriage come to an end, nor are most people willing to idly stand by and watch innocent lives destroyed. However for many Christians, these can be biblically challenging requests.
What you must remember is that ultimately, only your friend knows what she must do to protect her life. And it is not a sin for her to take all steps she deems necessary to ensure her safety. Encourage her to seek God’s wisdom from His word, and pray with her. Then support her decisions regardless of your personal opinions. Trust that her life is in God’s hands. And trust that as you pray, God will guide her steps.
***Your friend may need transportation to a safe shelter in the middle of the night, financial assistance, help finding a place to live, a place to store her belongings, or someone to take care of a pet. Ask God how He would have you help and communicate to her your availability and boundaries.
***She may need temporary safe housing. Shelters are often full. Decide whether or not you are comfortable bringing her into your home. If you allow her into your home, take prudent and appropriate precautions as the situation warrants.
***Avoid judgmental statements like, “I can’t believe you stayed so long!” “It can’t be all that bad!” “He is such a good Christian man. He’d never do anything like that!” “You know, God hates divorce.” All such statements only reinforce the abusers messages that she is in fact “crazy”; that something is really wrong with her; and that she is the primary “problem” in the relationship, not the abuser’s violence.
***Maintain confidentiality at all times, unless lives are in danger. This statement cannot be overemphasized! Avoid gossip. A careless word on your part could put her life in further peril. You must guard against letting information about her situation “slip” to her abuser, other family members, her children or their friends, at church, in prayer meetings, or in a Bible Study group or perhaps even to church leadership.
***If you know both parties in the relationship you need to be very careful when communicating with the spouse or abuser, as you may unwittingly put your friend at risk. You may need to avoid contact with him for a time, until you are certain your friend is in a safe environment.
***If your friend decides to remain in or return to an abusive relationship, decide on a secret code that will not arouse suspicion which she can use to communicate to you she is in imminent danger and wants you to call the police on her behalf. Assure her that if she ever gives you the secret code, you will immediately call 911.
***If your friend decides to remain in the home in spite of the violence, get her a copy of a “Safety Plan” available on many websites providing battered women’s services. Then set a time to help her answer each question and think through the steps she can take to save her life during a violent episode. Make sure she keeps the Safety Plan hidden from her abuser.
***When she is ready to leave the home, remind her to take important papers with her, such as driver’s license, birth certificates, passports, verification of citizenship, green cards, checkbooks, bank and credit card statements, mortgage documents, medical records, school records, wills, health insurance documents, etc. Help her obtain legal copies of these documents so their absence will not look suspicious in the interim.
***Find a way to communicate the grave threat that exists if she remains in an abusive relationship knowing her children are also being physically abused. No matter what her rationale, she could be held legally accountable as an accomplice to child endangerment. She could face criminal prosecution and potentially the permanent loss of custody of her children.
***Let her know if at any time you suspect the children are in danger, you will notify the appropriate authorities on their behalf, with or without her consent. Let her know you will be loyal to her as her friend, but you have an obligation to the children as well. God will direct you if and when this becomes necessary.
***Watch for signs of serious depression or suicidal intentions in your friend. Get professional help or counsel when needed.
***Encourage your friend to take care of her personal health and hygiene. Help her find ways to get the rest and nutrition her body needs to remain strong.
***Encourage her to avoid drug and alcohol usage. She will need all her mental and physical strength to adequately cope with the difficult decisions which lay ahead.
***Help your friend find something to laugh about and be thankful for. Help her see the beauty of nature and the world around her. Remind her to worship and praise God every day and to take her mind off her own troubles and focus on God’s goodness, mercy and great love. God’s love remains a constant reality in her life, even if nothing else remains.
***Help your friend reconnect with enjoyable hobbies, sports, or other activities which bring her pleasure and joy.
***Help her understand change is possible. There is hope for her future, her children, and even her abuser.
***Encourage her to reconnect with her faith community. If they are not supportive, or if it is unsafe for her to return, she may need to change her place of worship. Help her relocate to a safer faith community.
***Remind your friend of the power of prayer. Offer to pray with her on a regular basis. Set aside time on a daily basis to intercede for the health, safety and spiritual well being of your friend. Take every opportunity to assure her God is still in control and will be with her no matter what she may face.
***Ask God to give you specific scriptures verses that will help her see her incredible worth and value to God and give her the courage to make any necessary changes in her life.
***Purchase Christian materials on Domestic Violence to educate yourself and your friend on the complex dynamics of domestic violence.
***If your friend attends a church hostile or indifferent to the needs of battered women and children, or your friend begins to feel manipulated by church leadership, using Bible verses to pressure her to remain in a dangerous environment, recommend she find a different place of worship. Leaving long time church friends and familiar surroundings is difficult under the best of circumstances. God desires for the Body of Christ to be her closest ally during this difficult time. Help her find other Christians who will support her and her children without condemnation.
***Hang in there no matter what happens! Remember God called you to assist your friend and He will strengthen and guide your intervention. Hold fast to the knowledge that your faithful friendship and loving sacrifice will make a difference. And know your ongoing support and encouragement are combating the evils of domestic violence. Your efforts are saving lives, one of which may be the very life of your friend.
[GENDER NOTE: As 96% of the victims of domestic violence are female and their perpetrators are male, for ease of reading victims of domestic violence have been referred to as female and their perpetrators as male. However the author is fully aware this is not always the case. Likewise, readers should note that the author’s area of expertise is dealing with the dynamics of violence within heterosexual relationships therefore such is the focus of this work.]
The devastation and pain domestic violence brings to families, children and communities is enough to bring any people of conscious to tears. All things considered, it is painfully obvious that the paramount need of abused women is hope. As Jay Adams so clearly put it, “People with long-standing problems...people with peculiarly difficult problems…people who have been sold a bill of goods about their problems…people who are harassed by fear…those who have tried and failed…depressed people…suicidal people…people who have suffered life-shattering experiences…people without Christ…all need HOPE.”
Readers of this book can be those instruments of hope. And through the informed support of friends like you, who cared enough to learn more about domestic violence, lives can be saved, broken hearts can be healed, fractured marriages can be restored, and homes can once again be restored to places of life and sanctuary for all. Will you be God’s agent of hope?
BIBILOGRAPHY
Adams, Jay, The Christian Counselor’s Manual, Zondervan Publishing House, 1973.
Alsdurf, James & Phyllis, Battered Into Submission, Wipf and Stock Publisher, 1998.
Barner, Leslie, A Way of Hope, FamilyLife: A Division of Campus Crusade for Christ, 2001.
Canfield, Muriel, Broken and Battered, Howard Publishing, West Monroe, LO, 2000.
Hegstrom, Paul, Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them, Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City, KS,
1999.
Martin, Grant L., Counseling for Family Violence and Abuse, Word Books, 1987.
Riddle-Gaddis, Patricia, Battered But Not Broken, Judson Press, Valley Forge, PA, 1996.
The New American Standard Bible, The Open Bible Edition, Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1979.
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About the Author
Donna J. Farris has been helping people overcome painful experiences for years. She believes now is the time for redeemed saints of God to stand up, speak up and to declare God’s power to transform lost and broken lives. Therefore in 2010, she launched the Gripped for Glory blog encouraging Christians everywhere to convert painful experiences into stories of hope for God’s glory.
The world needs to hear Christian testimonies now more than ever. Join the Gripped for Glory community of saints who are not ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
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Discover other titles by Donna J. Farris at Smashwords.com
Why Women Stay in Abusive Relationships
Freed to Testify: A Biblical Biography of Mary Magdalene
Exceptional Devotion - Exceptional Honor: A Biblical Biography of Anna the Prophetess