No Sex - No Gardening
A Stage play
By
Chris Gallagher
Copyright 2011 Chris Gallagher
First published
2011
By
Mesen Publishing
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
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Scene 1
MARTIN SITS ALONE IN THE KITCHEN/DINING AREA. HE IS WEARING A DARK SUIT AND BLACK TIE, WHICH HE LOOSENS. HE HOLDS A DRINK AND GLANCES AROUND. SOUNDS CAN BE HEARD OF PEOPLE DEPARTING. A DOOR SLAMS AND SALLY ENTERS, SHE IS WEARING A BLACK DRESS. SHE LOOKS AROUND AS THOUGH UNSURE WHAT TO DO NEXT.
MARTIN
Like a drink?
SALLY
I think I've drunk enough sherry to last a lifetime.
MARTIN
HOLDS OUT HIS GLASS
I'll have another whisky.
SALLY
You want to try drinking less.
MARTIN
What does that taste like?
SALLY
HANDING HIM DRINK
Everything's a joke to you Martin.
MARTIN
You sound just like my wife.
SALLY
I was your wife - once.
MARTIN
And now you're somebody else's. Why don't you sit down, you're making me uncomfortable.
SALLY
I always was rather good at that. Here?
SHE INDICATES A CHAIR
MARTIN
No, that's antique.
SALLY
It doesn't look it.
MARTIN
It will be by the time I've finished paying for it. Come and sit by me.
SHE SITS ON A CHAIR OPPOSITE HIM
Please yourself.
SALLY
Thanks.
MARTIN
It was a good do.
SALLY
Yeah, mum would have enjoyed it.
MARTIN
And the weather was good.
SALLY
What could be worse than standing round an empty grave in the pouring rain.
MARTIN
Being in the coffin.
SALLY
Oh don't
MARTIN
Sorry
SALLY
I think I will have that drink. Have you any wine?
MARTIN
There's a bottle of white opened in the fridge.
SALLY
GETTING WINE
Have you been entertaining?
MARTIN
Not if there's half a bottle left.
SALLY SITS DOWN
We buried my Granddad on a day like this. It was a scorching hot day in June.
SALLY
It's September.
MARTIN
NOT LISTENING
All the roses were out in his garden. I'd always liked roses. I hate them now.
SALLY
It was good of you Martin to......., well you know.
MARTIN
HE SHRUGS
I was very fond of your Mother. I'm very fond of you. Anyway this used to be your house, remember?
SALLY
How could I forget?
MARTIN
Sorry.
SALLY
I didn't think you liked my mother all that much
MARTIN
I must admit I preferred your mother-in-law to mine.
SALLY
Martin!
MARTIN
Sorry love
SALLY
Did Mum know that you were fond of her?
MARTIN
I wasn't going to let her know. She'd have tried harder to make me dislike her.
SALLY
Can you remember coming to look round here?
MARTIN
Yeah. You saw it in your lunch break and rang me at work.
SALLY
You remember?
MARTIN
Of course.
SALLY
We came round to look that same evening.
MARTIN
I had to cancel a snooker match.
LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK AS THEY EXIT
Scene 2
MARTIN AND SALLY ENTER WEARING COATS.
MARTIN
DUBIOUS
What do you think?
SALLY
It's perfect, just what we've been looking for.
MARTIN
You like it that much?
SALLY
Don't you like it?
MARTIN
Oh I like it.
A BANGING NOISE IS HEARD OFF.
SALLY
I feel a 'but' coming on.
MARTIN
Back door sticks
SALLY
So, the back door sticks.
TO AUDIENCE
And then the Estate Agent came back after allowing us a decent interval to discuss it.
THE ESTATE AGENT ENTERS
MARTIN
In other words to allow her enough time to work on me.
AGENT
Well Sir, what do you think?
MARTIN
Back door sticks
AGENT
It just needs easing
MARTIN
The stairs creak, there's a damp patch in the back bedroom......./
SALLY
The Nursery
MARTIN
And there's a turd in the toilet which considering the house has been empty for six months I find very strange.
AGENT
Minor details Sir. But as a whole?
MARTIN
As a hole it's fine, but as a house - forget it.
AGENT
The property is structurally very sound.
MARTIN
Come off it - about the only thing holding it together is the woodworm holding hands.
TO AUDIENCE
I thought I was doing really well talking it down. I was after at least £5,000 off the asking price. Then she pipes up with, 'It's perfect, just what we wanted.'
SALLY
And it was. Still is. Make a lovely family home.
SLIGHTLY BITTER
If you had a family of course.
MARTIN
Completely ruined my bargaining strategy.
SALLY
I said sorry.
AGENT
Your wife seems to like it Sir.
MARTIN
We'd like to make an offer.
SALLY
Martin!
AGENT
An offer?
MARTIN
He said 'An Offer' as though I'd offered two camels for his wife when she was worth five. And she's hopping about from foot to foot.
MIMICS SALLY
'We don't want to lose it Martin.'
MARTIN
As though we would have. The place had been empty for six months. It was a right tip. The old lady who'd lived here before had died in situ. Found in this very room.
THEY DISCARD COATS AND WITH A LIGHTING CHANGE ARE BACK IN THE PRESENT.
Scene 3
SALLY
Still makes me shudder to think about it.
MARTIN
What?
SALLY
That poor old lady lying here dead.
MARTIN
I remember reading about it in the paper. The pathologist said she must have been dead at least 6 months and the Coroner commented 'That it was a shocking indictment of the times in which we live.' Not that they've changed much.
SALLY
How can anybody lie undiscovered for 6 months these days. Didn't she have any family?
MARTIN
They were the one's who refused to lower the asking price.
SALLY
This was going to be our dream home.
MARTIN
Yeah
SALLY
Turned into a right nightmare.
MARTIN
Is that how you see our marriage - a nightmare?
SALLY
How do you see it?
MARTIN
Simply as two people being married and it didn't work out.
SALLY
And that was my fault?
MARTIN
I didn't say that. It was mine - mainly. But you played your part.
SALLY
I'm really sorry it didn't work for us.
MARTIN
Are you?
SALLY
Yes.
MARTIN
Still you're happily married now.
SALLY LOOKS DUBIOUS AND PULLS A FACE.
MARTIN
You are happy?
SALLY
Is it important?
MARTIN
Yeah
SALLY
AMAZED
Why?
MARTIN
If you're not you might come back.
SALLY
You've lost none of the charms I married you for.
MARTIN
Do you remember our wedding day?
SALLY SMILES AND LOOKS HAPPY.
SALLY
Do you?
MARTIN
I remember most things about our wedding day. I can remember where we got married, I can remember when we got married, I just wish I knew why.
SHE THROWS A CUSHION AT HIM.
SALLY
Bastard!
MARTIN
Saturday the 15th of October 19......
SALLY
INTERRUPTING
14th
MARTIN
Are you sure?
SALLY
It's not the sort of thing a woman forgets.
MARTIN
No, I suppose not.
SALLY
Happiest day of a woman life - if you can believe the propaganda.
MARTIN
I used to dread these moments.
SALLY
Which moments?
MARTIN
The one's where you let your sarcastic tongue loose.
SALLY
I never could suffer fools gladly
MARTIN
I'm not a fool.
SALLY
You married me.
MARTIN
Self pity now?
SALLY
I feel a bit down.
MARTIN
It's been a long day
SALLY
Week
MARTIN
Month
SALLY
Year
MARTIN
Life
THEY BOTH LAUGH AND ARE THEN QUIET FOR A MOMENT.
MARTIN
Do you remember the day we moved in here?
SALLY
I remember better the day we should have moved in here.
MARTIN
We started first thing on Sunday morning with a hired van, had a short break for lunch at your parents and finished off in the afternoon. Right?
SALLY
Nearly. We started about ten on Sunday morning, went round to my parents for lunch at 12 and finished on Monday.
MARTIN
Oh yes.
SALLY
I thought you'd remember
MARTIN
I blame your Dad
SALLY
You would. Poor old Dad.
MARTIN
That home made wine was lethal.
SALLY
You drunk four bottles of it.
MARTIN
It was a drop of good stuff.
SALLY
I know. You kept telling us. Dad was getting worried. Every time he offered you a drop more you took the bottle and kept it.
MARTIN
And you and your Mother sat there getting more and more PO-faced.
SALLY
My mother did not get PO-faced. I don't get PO-faced.
MARTIN
I don't think she'd seen your Dad drunk before
SALLY
I don't think he'd ever been drunk before.
MARTIN
Or naked
SALLY
Of course she had
MARTIN
You'd told me they always got undressed in the dark.
SALLY
That was a joke.
MARTIN
She didn't think it was very funny him running up the Close with his kit off.
SALLY
Was that your idea?
MARTIN
All his own work
SALLY
That poor Policewoman. She'd only been on the job 6 months.
MARTIN
She was enjoying every minute. All those references to his truncheon. She couldn't catch him for laughing.
SALLY
Poor old Dad. A blameless life for all those years then led astray by his son-in-law of one day.
MARTIN
I don't think your Mother spoke to me for the rest of the year
SALLY
She asked you to pass the salt at Christmas
MARTIN
Our first Christmas
THEY BOTH STAND AND EXIT AS THE LIGHTS FADE TO BLACKOUT.
Scene 4
THEY ENTER AND DRESS THE SET SIMPLY WITH A SMALL TREE AND A FEW CARDS. MARTIN STARTS WORKING AT THE TABLE AS SALLY LOOKS ON.
SALLY
Do you think it might be a bit ambitious?
MARTIN
What?
SALLY
Having both our families round for dinner?
MARTIN
It should be OK
SALLY
But they hardly know each other
MARTIN
They met at the wedding.
SALLY
But not since
MARTIN
We discussed this. You did agree.
SALLY
I know. It's just that Christmas is a bit of an ordeal at the best of times.
MARTIN
Your Mum wanted us, my Mum wanted us. If we'd have gone to yours for dinner and mine for tea then my Mum would have been upset and the same the other way round. So they all come here and everybody's happy.
SALLY
You don't think it's too much for us to cope with?
MARTIN
Us?
SALLY
Well, you seem to have taken over.
MARTIN
No I haven't, There's plenty for you to do.
SALLY
What can I do?
MARTIN
Well.........
SALLY
Who was it that was up till 3 in the morning peeling potatoes and preparing vegetables?
MARTIN
Forward planning
SALLY
You've had the table set for the last three days.
MARTIN
There is something you could do
SALLY
What?
MARTIN
Kill the Turkey!
SALLY
I hope that's a joke.
MARTIN
It is and it's ready. Stand back woman, I'm about to start carving.
SALLY
I wish you'd show this sort of zeal the rest of the year. I haven't been able to get into my own kitchen all morning.
MARTIN
Our kitchen
SALLY
I'll remind you of that in a weeks time.
MARTIN
I thought I was helping - taking some of the pressure off.
SALLY
I'd just like to have something to do. My Mother's sat in there asking every five minutes if there's anything she can do. It gets a bit embarrassing when I have to say that you're coping alone and unaided with Christmas dinner for eight.
MARTIN IS CARVING THE TURKEY DURING THE FOLLOWING
MARTIN
Why don't you go see how everyone is?
SALLY
I know exactly how everyone is. The two Dad's are talking about cricket and the prospects of an England victory at the Gabba - wherever that is.
MARTIN
Australia - it's a cricket ground.
SALLY
I'd gathered that. I don't suppose you've got time to explain the LBW rule to me, have you?
MARTIN
I think it's something to do with the position of the last defender when the ball's played forward. And how are the Mum's?
SALLY
They have a small sherry each and they're speculating on how long before they'll be the patter of tiny feet.
MARTIN
They can forget that for a while. A bloody long while.
SALLY
You don't fancy starting a family?
MARTIN
I'm a bit busy at the moment love making sure my thumb doesn't end up on your mother's plate. Although, it would almost be worth it. Anyway children should be seen and not had. What about Granddad?
SALLY
He's playing Scrabble with Jane.
MARTIN
And cheating I'll bet.
SALLY
I think he's met his match with my sister. She can be quite devious at times.
MARTIN
Hmm.
SALLY
Martin?
MARTIN
Hmm?
SALLY
Do you still find me attractive?
MARTIN
Of course.
SALLY
LIFTING HER SKIRT
Do you think I've got good legs?
MARTIN
They're OK.
SALLY
Don't get too enthusiastic.
MARTIN
I'm trying to concentrate.
SALLY
I'm trying to put you off.
MARTIN
You nearly did.
SALLY
Dave thinks I've got nice legs
MARTIN
How do you know?
SALLY
He's always trying to look up my skirt.
MARTIN
He goes to see his Grandma once a week and tries to look up her skirt - and she's 89.
SALLY
I thought it was because I've got nice legs.
MARTIN
It's just a habit with him. He's a penile delinquent. Right, you can get everybody to the table.
SALLY
Yes sir.
MARTIN
By the way.
SALLY
Yeah?
MARTIN
I think you've got terrific legs especially in those new stockings.
SALLY
SHE LIFTS HER SKIRT AGAIN
Oh, these new stockings? I didn't think you'd noticed.
MARTIN
Just get out of here before it's leg over the table rather than Leg Before Wicket.
SALLY
You're so romantic.
MARTIN
I'll sort you out later madam.
THEY BOTH EXIT AS THE LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK.
Scene 5
MARTIN AND SALLY ARE SEATED NEXT TO EACH OTHER AS THE LIGHTS COME UP.
SALLY
And he did
MARTIN LOOKS PLEASED WITH HIMSELF.
Once!
MARTIN
I was tired, it's hard work cooking.
SALLY
Poor love had worn himself out. Still you managed it once which was once more than on our wedding night.
MARTIN
That was a good Christmas
SALLY
Apart from Granddad getting hold of that dirty video.
MARTIN
God yes.
SALLY
I'm surprised he didn't have a seizure. There he was in the lounge watching this film as bold as brass. Everyone else asleep around him. He looked at me and said, 'Have you seen this love?'
He seemed quite put out when I switched it off. I was that embarrassed I didn't know where to look.
MARTIN
Granddad knew where to look alright. He asked me later if he could borrow it.
SALLY
Really?
MARTIN
Told me he couldn't remember your Grandma ever looking like that.
SALLY
I hope you said no
MARTIN
There was no point in him having it.
SALLY
Why?
MARTIN
He didn't have a video player
SALLY
REFLECTIVE
Our first Christmas.
MARTIN
Yeah. Another drink?
SALLY
LOOKS AT WATCH
I suppose I should be going.
MARTIN
Back to a cold hotel room?
SALLY
Well......
MARTIN
Geoff couldn't make it then?
SALLY
He's away - on business.
MARTIN
Stay. Have another drink. We'll have a take-away.
SALLY
That's when it started going downhill.
MARTIN
After a take-away?
SALLY
After our first Christmas.
MARTIN
Did it?
SALLY
You became very lazy.
MARTIN
Shall I get them to deliver the food?
SALLY
You didn't do a thing round the house.
MARTIN
Just get my glass and lift it to my mouth, will you?
SALLY
We were both working but I had to come home and cook and clean.
MARTIN
Then we went to bed and I made you get on top of me so I could just lay there and think of football.
SALLY
Football?
MARTIN
I used to think of football to stop me coming too quickly.
SALLY
I thought football lasted 90 minutes - not three.
MARTIN
Did you ever think about anything?
SALLY
Oh yes
MARTIN
What?
SALLY
Tom Cruise and Martin Sheen.
MARTIN
What, together?
SALLY
Of course
MARTIN
The things you never knew you never knew. Was I really that lazy?
SALLY
You were terrible. You got so lethargic. You'd get home from work at least an hour before me, slump in front of the TV and fall asleep. Do you remember that time I gave you an ultimatum?
MARTIN
No
SALLY
You must do
MARTIN
I remember giving you an ultimatum
SALLY
When?
MARTIN
When you went off sex
SALLY
I never went off sex
MARTIN
So I said, No sex
SALLY
No gardening. I remember it being the other way round.
MARTIN
We didn't make love for 6 months. The council wrote in the end complaining that our front garden looked like the Malayan jungle. Do you remember Dave got that embarrassed at seeing our garden in such a state that after a few months he came round and sorted it all out.
SALLY
Martin?
MARTIN
And once he did you lifted your ban on naughties.
SALLY
I am feeling quite hungry now. Shall we have a take-away?
MARTIN
Indian, Japanese, Thai, Italian, Chinese, Martian? We've got 'em all round here now.
SALLY
Chinese I think.
MARTIN
STANDING
The usual?
SALLY
Yes please.
MARTIN EXITS
SALLY
TO AUDIENCE
We didn't make love for 6 months. That's not to say I didn't.
SALLY EXITS. THE LIGHTS FADE AND COME UP AGAIN.
Scene 6
SALLY ENTERS. SHE POTTERS ABOUT, TIDYING AND ARRANGING ORNAMENTS.
SALLY
It was a Friday afternoon about a month after the no sex, no gardening ultimatum. I was having a rare afternoon off work. I'd just been slumming round the house and was just about to have a nice long soak in the bath when...
THE DOORBELL RINGS.
The doorbell rang.
SALLY EXITS AND RETURNS WITH DAVE WHO'S HOLDING A BOTTLE OF WINE.
DAVE
You don't mind my just calling round like this?
SALLY
Of course not. Was it something in particular.... or were you just passing by with a bottle of wine under your arm when overcome by a sudden whim you decided to call in?
DAVE
Erm.......... I
SALLY
Shall I open the wine while you come up with a good story.
DAVE
Good idea
SALLY
SHE OPENS THE WINE
How's Rita?
DAVE
Oh you know. Same as always.
SALLY
SHE POURS THE WINE
It should be chilled really.
THEY CHINK GLASSES, AD-LIB CHEERS ETC. AND DRINK.
So here we are then. Alone at last.
DAVE
Does that bother you?
SALLY
You've quite a reputation as a ladies man. One look from your smouldering blue eyes and women swoon at your feet.
DAVE
Do they?
SALLY
So I've heard.
DAVE
You've nothing to fear from me Sally.
SALLY
You'd better go then.
DAVE
Oh
SALLY
You're not going to make a pass at me then?
DAVE
I didn't say that.
SALLY
So you will?
DAVE
Is that why you think I'm here, to get you into bed?
SALLY
Middle of the afternoon, bottle of wine, Martin at work, enough after-shave to conquer a harem. What else is a girl to think? Only it won't have to be bed, it's not made yet. Lazy cow aren't I?
DAVE
I thought it would be nice to see you again - have a chat.
SALLY
Look Dave, if you're here for a quick shag I'd prefer to know rather than mess about.
DAVE
Sally love, you're my best mate's wife for God's sake.
SALLY
I'm sorry Dave. I'm just a bit touchy at the moment.
DAVE
That's OK.
THEY DRINK IN SILENCE
It wouldn't be quick anyway.
SALLY
What?
DAVE
One thing I'm not is quick. It would be nice and slow. Satisfaction guaranteed.
SALLY
Or my money back? Don't make promises you can't keep. I might get you so turned on you'd only last thirty seconds.
DAVE
Shall we find out?
SALLY
If I offered you upstairs now you'd be off down the path like a shot.
DAVE
Maybe
SALLY
So why are you here with a bottle of wine in the middle of the afternoon?
DAVE
To cheer you up.
SALLY
How do you know I need cheering up?
DAVE
Remember when you came round to see Rita last week - that lingerie party - you seemed a bit down. Subdued, not your usual self.
SALLY
Martin said it was a waste of time my going unless they had split crotch chastity belts. But you're right, I have been a bit down recently.
DAVE
Want to talk about it?
SALLY
I'm not sure I can with you.
DAVE
More wine?
HE POURS WINE FOR THEM BOTH
Well?
SALLY
Did you notice the garden?
DAVE
It would have been hard not to. I had to hack my way up the path with a machete.
SALLY
Martin hates gardening but I don't see why I should do it after being at work all day. We had a terrible row about it one day and I told him no gardening - no sex.
DAVE
Well I can see there's hasn't been any gardening.
SALLY
I've kept my side of the bargain as well.
DAVE
Poor Martin, I thought he looked a bit dejected.
SALLY
What about poor old me? It's not just men that enjoy sex you know. I wish I'd never said it now but I can't go back on it.......... can I?
DAVE
Perhaps you don't need to.
SALLY
What do you mean?
DAVE
I could always help.
SALLY
The lawnmowers in the shed.
DAVE
Supposing I get the garden into shape do I get the same remuneration as Martin?
SALLY
The labourer is worthy of his hire.
DAVE
In the shed you say?
SALLY
Yeah
DAVE
I'll make a start then.
SALLY
Why don't I get another bottle - you can always cut the grass another day.
THEY EXIT AS LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK
Scene 7
MARTIN AND SALLY ARE SITTING QUIETLY SIDE BY SIDE. REMNANTS OF THE TAKE-AWAY ARE STREWN ABOUT. ANOTHER BOTTLE OF WINE HAS BEEN OPENED.
SALLY
Martin?
MARTIN
Hmm?
SALLY
Were you ever unfaithful to me?
MARTIN
Why?
SALLY
I just wondered.
MARTIN
Were you?
SALLY
No - well......
MARTIN
Yes?
SALLY
Only in my mind.
MARTIN
Tom Cruise and Martin Sheen
SALLY
Sometimes. It was the lad from the butchers once. He was good.
MARTIN
Just fantasies then? You weren't really unfaithful?
SALLY
No, of course not.
MARTIN
Oh
SALLY
Were you?
MARTIN
No
SALLY
You were, weren't you?
MARTIN
Not really
SALLY
You either were or you weren't
MARTIN
Yeah. I was - once.
SALLY
Really unfaithful?
MARTIN
What do you mean - really unfaithful?
SALLY
You had sex with another woman?
MARTIN
How else can you be unfaithful?
SALLY
It wasn't just snogging and touching - it was actual sex?
MARTIN
I suppose so.
SALLY
Penetration?
MARTIN
Well, yeah.
SALLY
Did you wear anything?
MARTIN
REMEMBERING
Nearly everything.
SALLY
Did you wear a condom?
MARTIN
No
SALLY
No?
MARTIN
No
SALLY
That was irresponsible, wasn't it?
MARTIN
I suppose so.
SALLY
Who was it with?
MARTIN
Oh nobody you know.
SALLY
I don't believe you. I'd have known if you'd slept with another woman.
MARTIN
I didn't sleep with her.
SALLY
You just had sex with her?
MARTIN
Yeah.
SALLY
A quick shag?
MARTIN
Yeah
SALLY
A one off?
MARTIN
Yes
SALLY
It wasn't an affair then?
MARTIN
Oh no, nothing like that.
SALLY
How long had we been married?
MARTIN
Not long.
SALLY
How long?
MARTIN
Not long.
SALLY
Days, weeks, months?
MARTIN
About an hour.
SALLY
An hour?
MARTIN
Maybe two.
SALLY
You are joking?
MARTIN
No
SALLY
You'd better tell me about it.
MARTIN
Are you sure?
SALLY
I need a drink first.
MARTIN
Me too.
THEY BOTH STAND AND EXIT AS THE LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK
Scene 8
MARTIN AND JANE ENTER FROM OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE STAGE. HE IS WEARING A BRIGHTLY COLOURED TIE, JANE IS WEARING A BRIDESMAIDS DRESS. THEY MEET IN THE MIDDLE. THEY BOTH SEEM SLIGHTLY TIPSY AND ARE HOLDING CHAMPAGNE GLASSES.
MARTIN
Hello Jane - having a good time?
JANE
Yeah, brilliant.
MARTIN
Doesn't Sally look beautiful?
JANE
Yeah, beautiful.
MARTIN
'Course, you look pretty gorgeous yourself.
JANE
Thank you kind Sir.
MARTIN
Where's your boyfriend.
JANE
Around somewhere
MARTIN
Had a tiff?
JANE
Bastard's been dancing with Melanie all night.
MARTIN
Men eh?
JANE
They're all bastards
MARTIN
Some men are all right
JANE
You're OK Martin
MARTIN
Oh thanks Jane
JANE
Will you dance with me Martin?
MARTIN
Of course - come on.
JANE
I want to change first. Will you help me?
MARTIN
What, change?
JANE
I just need you to unzip my dress - I can't reach it myself.
MARTIN
UNCERTAIN
Well..........
JANE
Oh for God's sake Martin, I'm only seventeen and you're my brother in law.
MARTIN
Exactly
JANE
I'll just have to spend the rest of my life trapped in this dress
MARTIN
Come on then.
SLIGHT LIGHTING CHANGE TO INDICATE DIFFERENT ROOM
JANE
Perhaps we could have that dance here?
MARTIN
I'm not sure that's a good idea.
JANE
Well if you'll just undo my zip I'll get changed.
SHE TURNS HER BACK AND MARTIN UNZIPS HER. AS HE DOES HER DRESS SLIPS OFF HER SHOULDERS TO THE FLOOR. SHE TURNS TO FACE HIM, THEY MOVE TOGETHER AND KISS, AT FIRST SLOWLY BUT THEN WITH INCREASING PASSION.
LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK.
Scene 9
BACK IN MARTIN'S HOUSE. HE IS CROUCHED BY THE HI FI LOOKING THROUGH A PILE OF CD'S. SALLY IS ADJUSTING HER CLOTHING. THEY SHOULD BOTH LOOK DISHEVELLED AFTER MAKING LOVE.
MARTIN
Do you think we should have done that?
SALLY
Do you?
MARTIN
It was good
SALLY
It was very good - just what I needed.
MARTIN
Me too
SALLY
We always were rather good
MARTIN
Yeah
SALLY
I think you've improved with age
MARTIN
You definitely have.
SALLY
Have you got anyone special?
MARTIN
Not at the moment - have you?
SHE BURSTS INTO TEARS AND EXITS COMING BACK AFTER A FEW MOMENTS WITH A TISSUE AT HER EYES.
MARTIN
I'm sorry Sall. I didn't mean to upset you.
SALLY
I'm alright. It's been a traumatic sort of day. I bury my Mother and find out that my husband was unfaithful to me with some tart within an hour of the ceremony. Then I seduce him just to prove I still can. Who was it anyway. Are you going to tell me?
MARTIN
Does it matter?
SALLY
It shouldn't but I think I deserve to know.
MARTIN
It was Jane
SALLY
Jane?
MARTIN
Jane
SALLY
Jane who?
MARTIN
Your sister Jane
SALLY
My sister Jane; my Bridesmaid. She was only about sixteen for God's sake.
MARTIN
Seventeen
SALLY
That extra year makes all the difference. The fucking bitch. So that's why you couldn't manage to make love with me on our wedding night.
MARTIN
I'm sorry love it just happened.
SALLY
Didn't you feel guilty?
MARTIN
Afterwards I did. That's why I got so drunk at your parents the next day.
SALLY
How could you do it with my own sister?
MARTIN
I'm sorry, it just......
SALLY
Happened.
MARTIN
Yeah
SALLY
Was that the only time?
MARTIN
Yeah
SALLY
Did you ever do it with anyone else?
MARTIN
No
SALLY
Swear
MARTIN
I swear. Will you swear that you didn't?
SALLY
I swear.
MARTIN
What about that time you were out and I found the condoms on the floor?
LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK AND SALLY EXITS
Scene 10
MARTIN IS NODDING OFF IN THE CHAIR DESPERATELY TRYING TO KEEP AWAKE. A CAN OF BEER HE'S HOLDING SLIPS TO THE FLOOR. A CAR PULLS UP, A DOOR SLAMS AND THE CAR DRIVES OFF. SALLY ENTERS; SHE TIPTOES ROUND THE ROOM WITHOUT REALISING THAT MARTIN IS THERE. SHE'S ABOUT TO EXIT WHEN MARTIN SPEAKS.
MARTIN
You're late
SALLY
God Martin you made me jump.
MARTIN
You're late
SALLY
Am I?
MARTIN
Yeah
SALLY
And what constitutes late?
MARTIN
Do you know what time it is?
SALLY
Late?
MARTIN
Where have you been?
SALLY
Out? Do you want a coffee?
MARTIN
No. Where?
SALLY
Where what?
MARTIN
Where have you been?
SALLY
For a drink
MARTIN
Who with?
SALLY
You should have a lamp if you're going to do this properly.
MARTIN
A lamp?
SALLY
One of those Angle-poise jobs from British Home Stores.
MARTIN
What are you talking about?
SALLY
A dark sinister uniform and a guttural accent would help.
MARTIN
I only asked where you'd been.
SALLY
And I've told you
MARTIN
For a drink?
SALLY
Yeah
MARTIN
Who with?
SALLY
OPENING DRAWER
I'm sure we had some thumbscrews in here. Would the nutcrackers do? No, I don't suppose they would on me.
MARTIN
You're only behaving like this because you've got something to hide.
SALLY
Have I?
MARTIN
You're being very defensive.
SALLY
Perhaps I don't appreciate being given the third degree at Two O'clock in the morning.
MARTIN
I was worried about you.
SALLY
Were you?
MARTIN
Yes.
HOLDS UP PACKET OF CONDOMS
Especially when I found these on the floor when I came in.
SALLY
Oh
MARTIN
Do you know what these are?
SALLY
Don't you?
MARTIN
They're johnnies
SALLY
Won't he be needing them?
MARTIN
Rubber bloody johnnies. A man puts them on...../
SALLY
Yes Martin, I know what they are, I know what they're for and I know where they go. You don't have to be so coarse about it. Anyway they're condoms.
MARTIN
When I was a lad they were johnies.
SALLY
Well they're condoms now.
MARTIN
They've only been condoms since we've had AIDS.
SALLY
What about them anyway? Are you trying to tell me something?
MARTIN
I'd just like to know what possible reason a married woman who's on the pill has for carrying condoms.
SALLY
Why do you think?
MARTIN
I don't know that's why I'm asking.
SALLY
I think you've made up your mind.
MARTIN
And there's one missing.
SALLY
Oh my God, no!
ASSUMES VOICE OF NEWS-READER
Police leave was cancelled tonight as questions were raised in the House regarding the curious case of the missing condom.
MARTIN
Are you going to tell me?
SALLY
WEARILY
Yes Martin, I'll tell you.
MARTIN
About the missing condom?
SALLY
It's in my purse which I carry everywhere.
MARTIN
Why?
SALLY
It has my money and credit cards in it.
MARTIN
THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH
Why the condom?
SALLY
I don't think you'd understand.
MARTIN
Try me
SALLY
As a mere man you probably don't realise that thousands of women walk round this country every day in fear of being raped.
MARTIN
I know that.
SALLY
When was the last time you were scared of being raped on the way home from the pub?
MARTIN
Yeah OK
SALLY
At one time women who'd been raped only had an unwanted pregnancy or VD to worry about but now it could be a death sentence.
MARTIN
What do you mean?
SALLY
I could be raped by someone who has AIDS.
MARTIN
You mean you'd?....
SALLY
Yeah, if I was about to be raped I'd ask ever so politely if he'd mind wearing a condom. OK?
MARTIN
I don't know what to say.
SALLY
Or do you think rapists carry their own.
ASSUMES ROUGH ACCENT
Think I'll nip 'art and rape some tart, best get down Boots and get a packet of three.'
MARTIN
You'd just let it happen?
SALLY
Of course I would. Come on big boy give it to me. Oh that's so good. I can really feel you inside me. Oh yes, make me come but please don't kill me afterwards.
MARTIN
That's disgusting.
SALLY
Men like you make me sick.
MARTIN
I'm sorry. I didn't mean you'd enjoy it.
SALLY
Yeah well. Can we go to bed now?
MARTIN
Yeah sure.
AS THEY TURN TO GO.
So, it's in your bag then?
SALLY
Here
SHE THROWS HER BAG AT HIM. IT FALLS TO THE FLOOR.
Have a look. You obviously don't trust me at all
SHE EXITS
MARTIN PICKS UP THE BAG AND STANDS CLUTCHING IT TO HIS CHEST AS THE LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK.
Scene 11
THEY ARE ONCE AGAIN SITTING OPPOSITE EACH OTHER.
SALLY
Did you look in my bag that night after I'd gone upstairs?
MARTIN
No
SALLY
You believed me?
MARTIN
No
SALLY
Why didn't you look?
MARTIN
I wasn't ready to be proved right. So?
SALLY
So what?
MARTIN
Would I have found the missing condom in your bag?
SALLY
No
MARTIN
Who was it?
SALLY
You want to know?
MARTIN
SUDDENLY TIRED
I know.
SALLY
Do you?
MARTIN
It was Dave
SALLY
How do you know?
MARTIN
After we split up he told me. Told me I was well shut because you were a bit of a tart.
SALLY
Bastard. What did you say?
MARTIN
Nothing. I haven't spoken to him since.
SALLY
You never said anything to me.
MARTIN
No point.
THEY ARE QUIET FOR A MOMENT.
SALLY
I've got something to tell you
MARTIN
You want to come back?
SALLY
PUZZLED
What?
MARTIN
I'm joking. What is it?
SALLY
I'm pregnant
MARTIN
Bloody hell I didn't think it worked that quick. I must have some good juice inside me.
SALLY
That's one of the thing I love about you.
MARTIN
My ability to get you pregnant at the first time of trying in three years?
SALLY
Your sense of humour.
MARTIN
Does Geoff know?
SALLY
Not yet. He'll probably leave when he finds out.
MARTIN
If he does you could do worse than come back here. To me.
SALLY
I'm fed up Martin. Not hard up.
MARTIN
Do you want another drink; saucer of milk perhaps?
SALLY
Sorry. I didn't mean to insult you. I just don't think it would be a good idea for us to get together again. I'm a happily married woman. A happily married pregnant woman.
MARTIN
But I'm OK to give you a good shagging?
SALLY
I knew that wasn't a good idea.
MARTIN
It was at the time. You couldn't get your knickers off fast enough.
SALLY
Perhaps Dave was right Maybe I am a bit of a tart..
MARTIN
I just put it down to my irresistible charm.
SALLY
I was going to put it down to my hormones.
MARTIN
As soon as I saw you this morning I wanted you.
SALLY
Me too
MARTIN
You look gorgeous in black. Always did. Really?
SALLY
Yeah
MARTIN
Are you really happy with Geoff?
SALLY
No, not really but it's what I'm sticking with.
MARTIN
Why couldn't we try again?
SALLY
Oh for a whole lot of reasons. Martin - you're my best friend in the whole world. Let's not spoil it by getting back together again.
MARTIN
You're right as usual - too many things have changed.
SALLY
I really should be going Martin
MARTIN
Why don't you stay the night?
SALLY
Why?
MARTIN
It would be nice to wake up with you again.
SALLY
OK
MARTIN
You will?
SALLY
Yeah
MARTIN
Why?
SALLY
You always were rather good first thing in the morning.
THEY KISS AND EXIT AS THE LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK.
###
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