Sneaky Tricks
The opposite sex and how to snare one
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By John Harold McCoy
Published by John Harold McCoy at Smashwords
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Copyright 2010 John Harold McCoy
Smashwords Edition License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author's work
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Chapter One
THE OPPOSITE SEX AND HOW TO SNAG ONE
But first, a few very important things you should know about how it all began.
In the beginning, God said, "Adam, I gave you that really nifty penis to use, not sit around and stare at all day. Now, get out there and poke something."
Adam replied, "Up yours, dude. These animals get really pissed when I try that stuff, and I'm not getting my ass clawed all to hell just so you can watch."
God thought for a moment. "How about I create you a bitch?"
"Cool," said Adam. "You make it; I'll poke it."
So, God created Eve and said, "Adam, this is Eve."
To which Adam exclaimed, "Wow! Look at those tits."
At this, Eve uttered a disgusted "Harrumph," turned on her heels, and stomped off to another part of the garden.
God, sensing trouble, hurried after her, and catching up asked, "Jesus, Eve. Why are you being such a twit?"
Eve replied, "Who's Jesus?"
God said, "Never mind. What I'm concerned about is you copping an attitude just because Adam appreciates a nice rack."
Eve began to cry.
"Christ, Eve," said God. "Stop with the waterworks."
Eve sobbed, "Who's Christ?
"Never mind," yelled God, getting a little flustered. "Look. Here's the deal. It's the beginning, right? This is the time I create stuff, so I created, well, you know… all the stuff. When it was all done I decided to put something alive in this snazzy garden I'd thrown together. So, I created a penis cause I thought it would be fun to watch it poke at things. I put it here in the garden, but it just lay there on the ground doing nothing. So I put some legs on it so it could get around, but it kept bumping into things, so I stuck a brain on top to show it where to go. That worked fine, and I named it Adam. Your job is to let it poke at you once in a while. Now, is that asking too much?"
Still sobbing, Eve asked, "But why is it such a pig, and how about a little romance?"
"Number one," replied God, "it's not a pig, it's a penis. Number two, well, sorry, but I didn't add any romance to it, only that poking instinct. That's really all it is, just a penis with a brain to point it towards something to poke at."
Pondering her options, Eve demanded, "Okay, I'll let it poke at me occasionally, but you have to let me run the world."
God said, "Uh, that'll be a little tough since it's bigger than you. But wait, I've got an idea. I'll put something really cool on you like... oh, I don't know... I'll think of something—something that will pretty much guarantee things will always go your way. How's that?"
Eve, now assured she would always be in control of the world and anxious to get started, agreed, then walked back to where Adam was waiting and said, "Hi there big boy! Gee, have you been working out?"
So, after all was said and done, everything worked out just fine. God's happy, Eve's happy and Adam thinks he's happy.
ON THE OTHER HAND - THE ALTERNATIVE
In the beginning, God created Adam and placed him in the Garden of Eden where Adam lived a wonderful, happy, fulfilled life. God, who obviously is a woman—since no man would have invented circumcision—became agitated at seeing Adam so happy, so she created Eve and said, "Eve, go down there and stir up some shit."
Now, Eve, being freshly created, and having no idea how to go about stirring up shit, asked, "How, exactly, do I do that?"
And God, who is no stranger to stirring up shit herself, answered, "Just be yourself."
So Eve went down to the Garden of Eden where, much to the dismay of Adam and all his descendants, she and all her descendants have been stirring their little brains out ever since. Not deliberately, of course, just "being themselves."
Although the story above is fiction, the female propensity for stirring is not. The woman's instinct to keep the air redolent with the smell of shit comes not from a vengeful, man hating, penis-envying, lesbian God, but from the fact that they're smaller than men, have less effect on their physical environment, and get pushed around all their lives. It's their way of saying, "I Exist!" It's the female version of Cogito Ergo Sum – "I stir shit, therefore I am." A strong man can move mountains, shape history, and rule worlds. But, unfortunately, man's majestic accomplishments often collapse under the weight of the unbelievable amount of shit a tiny little woman can stir up. A good example of this was the mighty Samson.... and little, friggin' Delilah.
Understanding the shit stirring instinct, and other bizarre female behavior, requires understanding how smaller organisms use rationalization to, figuratively, level the playing field in order to compete with larger organisms—in this case small women belittling large men in an attempt to create an imagined equality between the sexes. The small female's most obvious effort to affect the above is to corrupt the larger male's basic attitudes and needs by attaching nonsensical values to his actions and motivations. So adept is the female at stirring up shit that she can, in this case, stir where no actual shit exists.
The female's most effective attack on the larger male is to denigrate the male attribute she covets the most: his penis. By attaching frivolous relevance to that most envied object she attempts to deny the male at least one of his symbols of dominance. Creating such myths as ‘Men like guns because guns remind them of their penis’ is one such attempt to ridicule men's values, thus leveling the field. Women tend to think this is very effective although, in truth it is abhorrent—to say the least—for men to discharge, or even imagine discharging, large caliber weapons, especially those with substantial muzzle blasts, in even the general area of what women secretly consider a magnificent organ.
So, the bottom line is, the next time you take a date to your favorite biker bar, and she starts getting that glazed look on her face... you better get the hell outa there before she starts to stir.
Now that we have an idea of what we’re up against, let’s move on.
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Chapter Two
...BUT UNCLE JOHN, WHAT IF I'M GAY?
In the interest of accuracy, Uncle John asked a lot of gay people to help out with the subject of getting gay dates. They all said, "fuck off" ...except for one transvestite biker named Dede, who proved to be very knowledgeable on the subject. Uncle John couldn't find any lesbians who would cooperate, so you girls are on your own, which doesn't matter since Dede says that most women are a wee bit 'bi' anyway.
Dede says, the most important thing is to make sure you are actually gay before going out to look for dates. Dede says, being with another guy, in bed, naked, on your knees, is not a good time to look over your shoulder and say, "You know what? I don't think I'm gay after all." It's rude and extremely disappointing to the guy behind you.
Dede says the following can help you determine if you are really gay:
Do you like Quiche?
Do you wear a fanny pack?
Have you ever said the word, "Moi?"
Do you carry a bottle of water around with you?
Do you wear tank tops after dark?
Do you change your underwear every single day?
Do you honestly think a man and a woman can be "just friends?"
Do you drive a PT Cruiser?
Do you have a dog that requires professional grooming?
Do you put that blue-colored stuff in your toilet?
Do you sip alcoholic drinks from a straw?
Do you like Kenny G?
No shit, do you really like Kenny G?
Do you have a cowboy hat but no cow?
Do you pay 4 bucks for a friggin' cup of coffee at Starbucks?
Do you go around acting macho and calling people faggots, queers and screaming queens?
Dede says, if you answer, "yes" to any 3 of the above, you're probably gay, and are reasonably safe in pursuing your gayness.
Now that you have determined that you are actually gay—as opposed to just enjoying an occasional colonoscopy—you should move to Key West. Everybody there is gay, and finding dates is much simpler. However, even in Key West there are some places that are not good for finding gay dates, like Lamaze classes, monster truck rallies, etc. Incidentally, don't go rushing off to Holland... that "finger in the Dyke" story has absolutely nothing to do with the subject.
Actually, truth be told, there is no 'Dede, the transvestite biker' and Uncle John doesn't have a clue as to how to go about getting a gay date... unless... well, ...you might try hanging around the showers at the health club... but, good luck anyway.
P.S.
If you are gay and would, seriously, like to offer some, humorous but helpful dating advice to others (since Uncle John, being very wise in every other way, is a little untutored on this subject), email Uncle John at: good_old_uncle_john@.askunclejohn.com
(it would be a real plus if your name happened to be "Dede the transvestite biker").
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Chapter Three
NOW WE'RE READY TO EXPLORE THE FOLLOWING TOPICS
How to meet, and get, girls
How to meet, and get, guys
Asking girls out
Asking guys out
General Likeability
He/she has lost that lovin' feelin'
Getting mixed signals
“I don't know what's happening here... are we gonna get it on or not?”
Important note:
Uncle John just made all this stuff up so if it doesn't work - that's why
Note - The pages below will not work for you if:
You are a hunchback (a little stooped shouldered is okay)
You are ugly as sin (slightly repulsive can still work)
You chew tobacco (you're gonna die alone)
You have delusions of gender (AC/DC might work)
You look like a beached aquatic mammal (some big people are cuddly)
You are dumb as a rock (slow learner is okay)
You think farting is funny (I think farting is funny)
You are a priest (unfortunately, "Nun" means none. Sorry)
A few other things we'll touch on are:
Girls are weird, but once you know what they want you can talk them into anything.
Guys are easy. Whatever a guy says, just says, "Okay," and you'll be really popular - or - learn these sneaky secrets.
The trick is gathering information to minimize the chances of going down in flames if he/she laughs at you.
Getting guys is a no-brainer, but being a girl you'll probably want to know the sneaky ways of doing it.
Make people like you and want to get in your truck and diddle.
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Chapter Four
OKAY. NOW, LET'S GET LUCKY
Attracting girls
Want lots of dates? First thing that has to happen is for you to be popular with lots of girls. How to do that is a secret few men know, and the knowledge of which few men will accept. Read and think carefully about the following.
Wouldn't it be something if all women thought you were as great as your mom thinks you are? I mean, mom thinks you're the greatest thing in the world. Like when you're going out and mom says, "Oh, you look so handsome." Or when she's telling all her friends what a nice boy you are—all your wonderful qualities. You know... stuff like that.
Well, consider this. Generally, moms try to raise their sons to have the qualities that they admire in a man. Moms are women just like other women, and most women admire the same qualities in a man. So, the trick is to take all these qualities, weed out the strictly mom stuff and figure how to use the rest to attract women. In other words, if you pay attention to mom and how she wants you to be— how she wants the world to see you—you can get a great idea of how to present yourself to other women (other women who, eventually, are going to have sons to whom they are going to teach these same qualities). Jeez, it's like being able to read their minds—almost cheating.
So, remember this: all women are moms in their hearts whether they have kids or not. So give 'em what they want. Be what they want. Don't fight it.
What do they want? Well, simply put, they want a nice guy.
(Of course there is that other group of women who like bad boys. Don’t mess with them; their mothers didn’t raise them right)
Tips and Tricks
Don't be really cool. Really Cool is bad. You can be a little cool, but don't make a point of it. Why? ...Because really cool guys are only cool to themselves. Being really cool takes a lot of work and returns zip. Be aware of your environment and conform to it—and the people in it—but only to the point of being well accepted. If you're really cool you will be set apart from the main group, and that's where the girls are.
Be honest with people—especially girls. If you're caught in a lie it will get around, and girls aren't comfortable with guys they don't trust.
Never brag. If you have something you think will be genuinely interesting to girls, go ahead and tell about it, but tell it like you're sharing it with them—not to impress them. They'll be more impressed that way. Girls know when you're bragging and it bores them.
Never compete with girls. They don't like that. If you're playing, play with them, not against them. If you're discussing something, integrate what you're saying with what they are saying so you don't come off knowing more than they do.
Respect women. You don't have to go around being demonstrably respectful all the time; just have respect for them—things they do and say, how they feel about things, and they will know it. It will show naturally; you won't have to try. They really, really, like that.
Hygiene – very important.
If you, or your clothes, smell, or are not clean, or your hands or fingernails are not clean, then don't even bother reading this. You lose. However—here's a strange one—many women are turned on by the smell of a man who has been working or playing hard: sweat, dirt and all, as long as it's fresh and not left over from yesterday. Go figure. Anyway, don't worry about today's dirt and sweat from a noble endeavor: sports, job, etc.; just make sure you start out clean, and when it's over, go get clean.
Gee, gosh, so far we're pretty much talking about how your mom raised you, aren't we? You didn't believe me, did you? Okay, now let's leave the "what mom taught you" stuff behind, and get into the sneaky stuff:
There are modes of dress that range from classic slob (jeans and T-shirt) to classic gentleman (suit and tie). If you normally dress as a classic slob, stop it. Even if every body else dresses as a classic slob and you want to fit in, stop it.
Let's say that there's scale of 1 to 10 between slob and gentleman. If you are under the age of 25 always dress 2 points—and only 2 points—up from the average for your age group. 2 points is not a lot (hardly noticeable) and will not make you stand out from the crowd. But it will create a slight difference between you the other guys who all look alike. The point here is to look a little older, wiser, and more responsible to young women than the other guys. If you are over 25 dress 2 points down from the average for your age group. The point here is to look a little cuter to older women.
Do not make sudden movements, or loud noises when you are around women. Compared to women, guys are big, strong and violent. Women are not afraid of you, but are often uncomfortable around guys who invade their personal sphere with too commanding a presence. If you think about it, so are you. Be the "gentle giant."
People like you when you're interested in them. When you approach a group of people, and you are deciding which one to talk to, you usually choose the one who is most interested in you and what you have to say. We all do that. Show and maintain a personal interest in all the women you know or meet—not just the ones you want to know better. Girls like guys that other girls like, so make them all like you. It will snowball from there.
If you chew tobacco, close out this book and go somewhere else. I can't help you.
Never spit around women. If you smoke, try not to do it around them unless they also smoke. The smell of stale smoke gets in their clothes and hair. Even if they like you well enough to put up with your smoking they can still smell it on themselves when you're not around. It won't remind them of how wonderful you are; it'll just stink.
Don't cuss around them (at least not very much). Never tell downright dirty jokes around them (highly suggestive jokes are all right).
Never say "fuck" around women--even if it's acceptable in your crowd. It isn't necessary, and it gets boring hearing it over and over. You don't have to act all goody-goody all the time (actually, make sure you don't—that will kill you), but they will notice when you seem a cut above the rest respect-wise.
A little heads-up for you guys; when you're young you get stuff from older people you don't realize you're getting, like lee-way in certain situations that people don't usually get, favors, jobs, etc. If you're like 'fuck this, fuck that, this fuckin', that fuckin,' and so on, you ain't gonna get those things.
Find a casual way that fits your personality to tell women that they look good, or smell good. Do it often, but in a way that doesn't make them think you're coming on to them. Just kinda like, "Hey, you look nice today," or lean towards them, not too close, and say, "Ummm, smells good," then change the subject before they say anything. Make it a casual observation and quick statement of fact—not a personal thing; no big deal. That can make a girl who never thinks about you... think about you all day. They rarely hear those things from a man unless he's making a pass, and since you're not it's new to them and makes them think about you.
When talking to women, do so in such a way that you do not blow your breath in their face. Good breath... bad breath... doesn't matter; nobody likes it. If you notice that women seem to be avoiding you, check this first.
Never criticize others. Don't talk about others behind their back even if the people around you are. Be the guy who has a kind word for, and about, everybody. It gets around, and women like guys they can count on to always be "on their side" even when they're not there.
This isn't about meeting girls, but keep it in mind anyway. Never become good friends with a girl you want to date before you start dating her. You're dead if you do. Nothing will ever happen.
The bottom line is this: Meet lots of girls (casually, in a not-creepy, not-come-on way). Know what they want and what they are attracted to. Don't be so cool that you drive them away. Be nice. Pay attention to them—all of them. Look reasonably good all the time when you're around others. Be reasonably respectful. Don't be threatening, or competitive with them. Make sure they trust you. Make them feel safe around you. Share thoughts and feelings with them when you're talking. Let them choose subjects that they're interested in for discussion, and most important of all, be around women as much as possible—lots of them. It's a numbers game. The more there are, and the more they all like you, the better your chances of nailing one every now and then (so to speak).
Good luck, and if you have any questions email me at: unclejohn@unclejohn.com
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Chapter Five
ATTRACTING MEN
– written by a man cause we know what we like
This is not about snaring that "special man;” it's about attracting men in general. If you attract a lot of men then you should find that special guy somewhere among them. Attracting men is not hard; it doesn't take a whole book to tell you how—mostly common sense and a little cold, hard truth.
First, you should know a few things about us.
We like to drink beer, watch sports, go fishing, see things explode, watch large things collide, work on cars and get greasy, drive fast, go into the woods and shoot animals, sweat, burp, belch, fart, spit, yell, brag, strut, be loud and obnoxious, buy expensive toys we don't need, and look at naked women (most of all, look at naked women); all of which are qualities that—since you want to attract us—you obviously admire. It's easy to see why you would want to attract us. As a matter of fact, I just farted. See, we're just plain cool.
So you don't have a pretty face, great legs, and a nice butt? No problem. Just hang around us a lot; look available, and act like a puppy. It also helps if you wiggle a lot.
Okay, not too serious so far, but are you beginning to get the point? If you're female and you're there; we're attracted. We're simple that way, so you have a pretty good head start. Your job is to cause us to be attracted to you, specifically, no matter what you look like (within reason), but most importantly, on your terms.
Note the keywords: "On Your Terms."
As I said, we're pretty much attracted to anything that walks by, so if you just want men to like you then you already know how to do that; just stand still and whenever a man asks you something just say, "Okay," ... and Bingo, you're the most popular girl in town. But, of course, that's not what you're looking for, is it?
So, let's define "terms." Let's assume the following: you want men, in general, to see you as someone they would like to meet, be around, and perhaps ask out based on your personal qualities which, incidentally, is exactly the same thing men want.
Remember this; when we see you, we see a girl, and we expect you to act like a girl— at least within reason—just like you expect us to act like a guy. If you find some of the following a little too "girly" for you, just refine it to fit your personality. Or, if you want to be today's modern 'I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar' type, then there are some dandy websites such as www.todays-empowered-woman.crap written by women who have plenty of time to write since they, obviously, don't have a date tonight. Up to you.
OK. Here are the basics:
We like women who look happy. Not bubbling over and smiling ear-to-ear all the time; just reasonably happy with themselves and their current environment. It makes them look pleasant and easy going, so we're not afraid of them. That's right. We're scared as hell of you. A lot of what you read here is about you helping us get over our fear enough so we can act on our attraction to you.
Be nice, friendly, to all men, not just the ones you really like. Other men will see that and will see you as being approachable. Like you, we're intimidated by the opposite sex. If we know that you're the type of person who is receptive to others then we will be more likely to approach you: get to know you and like you.
When you see a man you know, always acknowledge that he is around, and that you noticed him—even if only a quick smile or wave—so that he, and other men, see that you are not aloof. Again – approachable.
When you're talking with more than one man at a time, include all the men present in the conversation so that, in the future, each will know that they are able to get your attention as individuals, and will seek it out. We all want attention. Again – the more men who find you approachable, the more to choose from. I can't stress this enough. Remember, there will always be a lot of men who find you attractive, but it's all about approachability. Even fabulously beautiful women may often find themselves lonely if they have an approachability problem. So let all men see that you are approachable. The reason you want all men to see that is because you don't want them saying to themselves, "Well, she's approachable to some guys, but maybe not me; and I don't want to risk rejection." You might miss out on the perfect guy because of that.
Don't compete with us—you lose. You may win, but you lose. Games, sports, physical activities, that's fine. We even kinda like losing to you in those, but the general "anything you can do I can do better" attitude, and you lose. We don't like guys who do that either, but unfortunately, many of us do it.
Do you giggle occasionally? Go ahead. We like that. Not necessary, but if you do; we think it's cute.
If you think something is really funny do you laugh uncontrollably without regard for what people think? Good for you—we do too—as long as it's not a phony laugh.
We like it when women fuss over us a little. Try this. If you're standing around a guy (even one you've never met), or walking slowly by while talking to other people, just casually reach out and straighten his collar, or something. Make it quick and don't say anything; just smile and turn away. If you ever do meet him he will be your puppy—has something to do with mom, I guess.
Do you have a whole lot of class? Dump it—unless you pull it off in a very feminine way ...then it's all right. Having class is fine. Just be careful how much. It can be boring to others unless you can turn it off when not needed.
Dress Goth? Bye. Got really long nails? Yuk!
Dress with the crowd—but just a hair better. In other words fit in, but always look just a teeny bit better groomed and dressed than everybody else. Not too much, just a teeny bit. Oh, and be clean.
Never say, "fuck!" I don't care how accepted it has become; deep down we don't like hearing women say it. Mom didn't say it, and guess what? ...There's a hell of a lot of "mom" in what we like about women (she taught by example). Have you noticed that the women who say it most are those in their late teens, or very early 20's? That's the age when you start doing stuff to show people you're all grown up, which only shows people you're doing stuff to try and show people you're all grown up. It's called an affectation--something you do on purpose just to seem cool.
Never talk about how great some guy is. If you do we'll all slink away somewhere cause we can never compete with how great some guy sounds when a woman is telling the story. Just don't talk about other guys at all if you don't have to because it makes us think that we might not be the only guy in the world that women should like—God forbid.
If you are around a group of men, or women, and are being ignored; get away from them. Never try to be the center of attention, but don't let men see others ignore you. Every member of a group should have, at least, equal value. Don't allow other men to see you as a seemingly valueless member. File this away as "maintaining the appearance of popularity."
When talking to men, don't blow your breath towards them. You never know what it smells like. If you had a garlic-coated onion for lunch, and you blast them with it once, they'll think about it every time they're near you. Hard to live down. There are ways to talk, even close up, that won't cause this. Learn them.
Never tell downright dirty jokes. Really suggestive jokes are okay and kinda cute if you look slightly embarrassed when you tell them. If you're around a group that is telling dirty jokes, you can laugh, but don't offer any of your own. But don't put down the group for telling them. In other words, don't get all snotty on them.
"Men don't like intelligent women." Wrong! Very wrong. It seems like a lot of women believe that. Intelligent women are interesting, fun to talk to, and sexy as hell. We all want one.
Better get this part straight right now. We're instinctively attracted to women, in general, for purely mating reasons. After we get to know them as individuals it's a different story, but keep in mind that this is the basic reason we are attracted to you. You may not like this, and you may not believe it, but that won't change it. If a guy tells you that it's not true ...well, that's his way of telling you that he's different from other guys and you should like him best. Actually, you shouldn't like him at all because he's a liar and you'll never be able to trust him.
So:
Go ahead. Wiggle that butt when you walk. Hell with what the other girls think. By God we love that butt wiggle. Damn it; let's see some leg. I mean, jeez, wear a dress once in a while. Sexist, you say? Hey, you asked! Hell, the President of the United States wants to see some leg ...so does the Pope, so do I. In fact, send me a picture. Don't flaunt yourself, that's trashy, but remember that we really, really, like your body. Attract us with it and we'll get all caring, sensitive, and appreciative of your other qualities later.
Don't sleep around; or rather don't let it be known if you do. Actually, go ahead and screw your brains out if you want, just keep quiet about it. Each and every one of us wants to nail you and think it's fine if you sleep with us, but terrible if you sleep with someone else. That's right; we each think that every woman should be a virgin till we get our grubby hands on them ...I know, we're stupid ...double standard and all that; just don't mess around with the concept. It's an illusion we don't even understand ourselves. Once you have us safely and securely attracted, then you can tell us how dumb we are about it, but wait till then.
When you meet men, follow up. Go out of your way to be attentive the next time you see them. Hook them into the circle of men that are attracted to you. The more you've got, the more you'll get.
We like girls with long hair. We like short hair too, but we really like long hair. Oh, what the hell, we just like girls with hair (as long as it's only on their head—and their... well... you know).
To sum up: just be nice. Be approachable. Let men see that you are approachable. Be clean. Dress decently. Pay attention to us individually. Don't act dumb. Be around guys as much as you can. The more that like you, the more to choose from. Work at it and you'll have a whole herd of men around you. You don't have to be a beauty, you just have to know some of the secrets and be willing to use them.
Good hunting.
A word to young girls. All this stuff will work just as well for you. But, and trust me on this, don't have sex till you're at least 17. Hey, go ahead and start building your herd of men—get a head start—just don't have sex with them. It will do you no good. I could write another book on all the complicated reasons why you shouldn't, and believe me they're complicated. It won't make guys like you any better. It won't make you more popular. You will run a hell of a lot of risks. Yeah, yeah, I know; I'm just an older person telling you to be good. Well, that's not true, darlin'. When you turn 18 look me up and I'll nail you myself, but wait till you're at least 17 before you start with sex. Trust me, I don't lie to women.
PS – If none of the above work for you, try these helpful hints:
When you first meet a guy, casually mention that most of the girls won't hang out with you because of your reputation.
When a guy introduces himself, say, "Do you live close by?"
Wear really short dresses, and bend over a lot. Guys love that, plus it keeps you fresh and airy.
Always be at the bar at closing time, and when you hear "last call," start introducing yourself around.
Never use the line, "coffee, tea, or me" unless you have some coffee, and tea with you just in case.
Wear a wet T-shirt whenever possible.
Tell men that you have always been a tomboy, and ask them if they want to wrestle.
Shave your head and ask men to sign it.
Encourage past lovers to brag about how easy you were.
Offer men money to go out with you.
When talking with men, casually try to work the word "nipples" into the conversation.
When at the pool, loosen your top before diving.
Wear your hair up and pinch your neck to simulate hickeys.
Sneak into the men's bathroom, and write your name and phone number on the wall.
Wear a nametag that reads, "Do Me".
Guys love their cars. When you see a guy in a car, says, "Hey, nice car", and show him your "Do Me" name tag.
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Chapter Six
THE FOLLOWING PROCEDURE IS FOR MEN.
This is for asking a girl out to dinner. Unless there is something basically wrong with you it is guaranteed to work.
Step 1:
Arrange a face-to-face physical proximity with the woman.
Step 2:
Ensure that you will have her complete, undivided attention for at least 3 minutes.
Step 3:
Through preliminary conversation, surreptitiously establish a time frame between 6:00 PM and midnight on a specific day that she will not be involved in any other activity, and does not have to get up early the next day.
Step 4:
Ask, "Would you like to go out to dinner _________________?" (fill in the previously determined time frame)
Step 5:
If the response is positive, mutually determine the details of the assignation.
Step6:
Confirm all details not more than 12 hours before the event.
_____________________________________________________________________
The "Asking Out For Dinner" procedure, as outlined above, is the most efficient way to achieve the desired results. If the desired results are not achieved then one, or more, of the procedural steps need troubleshooting.
Troubleshooting Step 1:
Determine exactly why a face-to-face physical proximity with the woman cannot be established. Rearrange location, timing, and mutual attitudes in such a way as to enable step 1 to function properly. Initiate Step 1. Proceed to Step 2.
Troubleshooting Step 2:
Ensure that no one else is within hearing distance. Ensure that you will not be interrupted during the procedure. Proceed to Step 3.
Troubleshooting Step 3:
Step 3 is designed to eliminate "time-specific" objections. Ensure that you have determined that she has nothing else to do during the required time frame. After acquiring the necessary information proceed to Step 4.
Troubleshooting Step 4:
Step 4 requires that the following aspects be true:
You are free to date.
She is free to date.
You have conquered your fear of rejection (just do it!).
You are not ugly as sin.
She has not, previously, rejected your advances.
There is not a basic, undisclosed, valid reason why you have not already asked her out.
If the above is true, initiate Step 4, and if the results are positive (and they should be), proceed to Step 5.
Troubleshooting Step 5:
Step 5 requires that Step 4 resulted in a positive and definite response, and must include the following:
A definite time for pickup or meeting.
A definite destination for the date.
A last re-affirmation of details.
The statement, "I'm really looking forward to it"
Troubleshooting Step 6:
This Step is very important. If you do not perform Step 6 she may think you have forgotten the date, thought better of it, or don't think it's important enough to confirm. Women are funny that way.
If you have followed the procedures correctly, and all of the requirements are met, you will definitely be having dinner with this woman in the near future.
****
Chapter Seven
THE FOLLOWING SUGGESTIONS MAKE IT EASY TO ASK A BOY, OR MAN, OUT ON A DATE WITHOUT SETTING YOURSELF UP FOR THAT DREADED REJECTION.
(Before proceeding, make sure that both you, and the boy, are available for dating—that is, not involved with someone else)
Asking a boy/man out on a date depends, quite a lot, on how old you are, and how old the boy is. If you are 12, or under, I suggest that you always have plenty of candy and Playstation disks with you when you're around the boy. That's a great start, and you may find that you won't have to ask him for a date at all because he will be hanging around all the time. But, no matter how old you are, the best, the all time easiest ways to get a boy/man to go out with you are as follows.
First, through casual conversation, find out some things he likes to do. For instance, fishing (hey, ya gotta start somewhere) or skiing (snow or water) or car shows, computers, whatever. Anyway, some activity that he knows a lot about, or is interested in. Then, in your own words and your own style you say, "Hey, I wanna do that, but I don't know how. Will you go with me and show me how?
Or - "I wanna new computer but I don't know what to buy. Could you sit down with me sometime and give me some hints. Maybe we could grab some dinner and talk about it." (Use your imagination.)
There you go. If he wants to go out with you he will agree right away. You see, you haven't actually asked him to go out with you, so if he says no then nobody is embarrassed; you just say, "Oh well."
Another good one is, if you're talking and you find out he's going somewhere, just say, casually, "Hey, I wanna go too." In other words, create a date out of nothing.
Try, "I wanna go to (blah, blah) but I don't wanna go by myself. Ya wanna go with me?"
Or - "My friends are going to ............ but they all have dates. Would you go with me?"
Or - Simply, and casually, "Hey, wanna go to ............ with me Friday night?"
Keep in mind, if you ask a guy out, don't ask them to do something that will cost them money, at least not on the first date. They may really want to go out with you but can't afford what you suggest, and have to say no. If they enjoy being with you the first time they will ask you out the next time, and will choose an activity they can afford.
When I was in the 10th grade there was a girl named Ann in my school. I didn't know Ann personally, but I was head over heels in love with her from afar. I was much too embarrassed to even try to meet her. I thought my heart would break every time I saw her.
Fifteen years later, I was performing in a nightclub in Cocoa Beach, Florida (I'm and entertainer). On a break, I was walking through the club when I heard someone say, "John?" I looked around and there, after all these years, was Ann and some guy sitting at a table. Well, I sat down with them, we talked for a while, and when the guy—her husband—went to the rest room, Ann told me that she had had a terrible crush on me when we were in school, but was too embarrassed to try to meet me. We both had a big laugh, but from the look on her face, and I'm sure on mine, neither of us thought it was very funny. Don't let that happen to you. Remember; guys wanna date just like you. In all probability, he's sitting there wondering if he should ask Uncle John how to ask a girl for a date.
Incidentally, if you go out with some guy and have a boring time, it ain't gonna change. That's a fact. Don't go out with him again just to have someone to go out with. You will find yourself stuck in a boring relationship that may be hard to get out of.
Before you dive into meeting new people and begging for dates, there are a few things you might want to consider. A little preparation.
****
Chapter Eight
BASIC "LIKEABILITY"
I believe I'm pretty cool, clever, capable, intelligent, reasonably attractive, a valuable asset to my environment, have a lot to offer as a person, etc. I like people who reinforce those beliefs. I don't like people who threaten those beliefs. I ignore people who don't affect those beliefs one way or the other. I like people who give me attention, recognize my abilities and merit, listen to what I have to say, and respect my opinions and ideas. I don't like people who don't.
You're thinking, "Well, Uncle John, you're just an egotistical little snot, aren't you." Well, yes I am—but so are you, and it's a little more complicated than simple ego. As a matter of fact, these beliefs in self-importance (egotism) are critical to our survival in a society. It is not necessary for them to be true, but it is necessary that we believe them. Our strong sense of self-worth is what gives us the confidence to interact with others.
Even the most boring, ugly, worthless, disgusting, half brained troll has to believe these things about him/herself, to some extent, or they will lack the confidence to try anything that requires interaction with other people; it's natural, normal, human instinct.
Let's say, you're sitting around, talking to some people, thinking you're reasonably cool and clever; suddenly, something happens, or is said, that casts a tiny little doubt on your coolness and cleverness. Maybe you made what you considered a clever little remark, and Harry countered with a related clever little remark of his own—no big deal; he didn't mean anything by it, but Harry just stepped on your coolness/cleverness. All you wanted was to show a little coolness/cleverness and Harry, unwittingly, stole it. The conversation continues, nothing has actually happened other than you not getting the acknowledgement, reinforcement, of your coolness/cleverness that you wanted. You probably didn't even think about it, consciously, but sub-consciously you might be thinking, "Maybe I'll avoid Harry in the future."
Maybe you're all talking about your last vacation. Confident in the impressiveness of your vacation, you proudly tell about your week at Disney World. Sam tells about his month in Paris. You're thinking, "asshole."
You're bragging about your prowess on the outdoor hamburger grill. Lance suggests that you try his recipe for Planked London Broil. Damned sure won't be inviting smart-assed Lance to your next cookout.
You say something to Sally, one of the cuter members of the group, but she doesn't seem interested in what you said. You won't be asking her to the prom.
Every time you say something, Buba has to make a comment. He's a happy, jolly, friendly big guy with a loud booming voice, and though he doesn't mean to, he seems vaguely threatening. Hard to feel physically competent around Buba.
So far, Harry, Sam, Lance, Sally, and Buba haven't done much to reinforce your instincts of self-worth; so, screw em. You direct your attention to other members of the group. Jim, Shelia and Burt enjoyed hearing about your vacation, are partial to hamburgers, seem, generally, interested in what you say, are themselves reasonably interesting, reasonably attractive people, and don't loom over you when they're talking. They have been reinforcing your instincts of self-worth, and as a result; you "like" them.
Question: "So, Uncle John, you're pretty much saying, if I pay attention when people are talking, show a little interest in them, don't step on their glory with my own, show them that I appreciate and respect the things they like about themselves, and refrain from any statements or actions that might be considered overpowering or aggressive; they will like me?"
Answer: "Yes."
Question: "But, Uncle John, you mean that's all there is to it?"
Answer: "Well, you tell me. Tomorrow, at coffee break time, you go into the break room and see two groups of people, at two different tables; one with Harry, Sam, Lance, Sally and Buba, the other with Jim, Shelia and Burt. Where are you going to sit?"
In general conversation, things are often said in such a way that causes us to 'flinch' sub-conscientiously. Not a big flinch, just a little hiccup in our feelings of self-worth and self-importance. Most of the time we don't even notice, or recognize them, but they peck away at our egos, and our egos don't like that. Consider the following alternatives:
Mary - "I have to pick up some Tide at the store."
Cindy - "Oh, you should use Gain. It's much better."
(According to Cindy, her choices are superior to Mary's.)
Try this:
Mary - "I have to pick up some Tide at the store."
Cindy - "Have you tried Gain? I really like the way it cleans."
(Cindy is simply expressing a personal preference.)
__________
John - "I just got my new car. I love it."
Gary - "Nice, but I'd never buy a 2 door."
(Yeah, John, how come you're so proud of such a dumb choice?)
Try this:
John - "I just got my new car. I love it."
Gary - "Wow! That's sporty. I'm stuck with buying 4 doors cause of the family and all."
(Gary gave John a nice boost.)
__________
Steve - "Hey, ya wanna go fishing with me?"
Jerry - "Na, fishing's a waste of time."
(Jerry's isn't going to waste his life like Steve)
Try this:
Steve - "Hey, ya wanna go fishing with me?"
Jerry - "Na, I never really enjoyed fishing cause I never catch anything."
(Jerry is conceding that Steve a good fisherman.)
__________
Jenny - "I love romantic movies."
James - "I don't like that mushy crap."
(Jenny has crappy tastes.)
Try this:
Jenny - "I love romantic movies."
James - "I like action movies better, you know, guy stuff."
(Stating a simple difference between guys and girls.)
__________
Billy, holding a cigarette - "Give me a light."
(Do what I tell you to do.)
Try this:
Billy, holding a cigarette - "Ya gotta light?"
(This way it isn't an order.)
__________
Dick - "Ya wanna go out with me sometime?"
(You lucky bitch.)
Try this
Dick - "I'd really like to go out with you sometime."
(She sees that Dick feels he would be the lucky one.)
Anyway, you get the idea.
P.S.
On the other hand, don't "wimp out" trying to be liked - or people will walk all over you.
****
Chapter Ten
BUT UNCLE JOHN, WHAT IF I KINDA DON'T LOOK TOO GOOD? AM I OUT OF LUCK?
Ok... you're 5 feet tall, weigh a hundred and ninety pounds, have a flat head, a hunchback, and your dog won't play with you unless you've got food. Is there any hope? Damned straight, there is. Just take Uncle John's advice, and you'll be breathing heavy in the back seat of a late model crew-cab pickup truck in no time.
The most obvious way to get a mate, or at least get somebody to mate with you, is to pay em. Aside from simplicity, for men it's cheaper than dating, and for women, well, you don't have to cook.
Another good way—only works for women—is to move to an Arab country, cover yourself with a burka and veil, and wink at guys while pointing to an alley.
I, Uncle John, being sensitive to such things, am getting vibes floating to me through the ethernet suggesting that, so far, this is not the information you are seeking. Ok, obviously, you wanna make it complicated, so we'll get serious.
Number one: ya gotta be honest... read it again, "honest" ...not to other people—go ahead and lie your ass off to them, who cares—but ya gotta be honest with yourself... gotta get stuff out in the open so you can learn how to deal with it to your advantage... like going to an AA meeting, and starting off by saying, "I'm an alcoholic," .facing the truth to make your life better.
First truth is, if you don't look so good, the chances of you hooking up with 'dream girl' or 'dream guy' are slim... not nonexistent, but damned slim. Though not always, dream people mostly tend to flock together, so don't fixate on dream people... it'll just break your heart. Of course, you might get lucky with a drunk one occasionally—don't count on it. Remember this, when you fall in love with somebody, that person becomes your dream person, so don't waste your time drooling over the ready-made variety. The competition is horrendous. Now read this part again - 'that person becomes your dream person' Got it?
Ok... honestly, what's your problem? How bad is it? Can you fix it (diet, dentist, hairdresser, etc.)? Do you want to fix it, or deal with it as best you can? Let's look at a few common problems:
You're an old fart
In this case you pretty much need a lot of money to nail young men/women, otherwise, date other old farts. See how simple that was.
You're not a troll but you're too young to date
You'll have to wait a while... simple.
You're gay
You've heard the expression, "never the twain shall meet?" That's why people get nervous when the bride and groom both have a twain. See my website titled; "Gay sex is a pain in the ass."
Ok, I'm getting those vibes again. Still not what you're looking for, huh? All right, ... for real:
Time after time, you've heard people say things like, "I'll go anywhere within reason... do anything within reason... pay anything within reason."
You've heard statements like, "That's acceptable" and "I can live with that." You rarely hear someone say, "It has to be perfect"
Generally, we all tend to judge life, people, and things, on a scale of about 1 to 10. In everyday life, we shy away from things that are 1's, and don't really expect things that are 10's. We pretty much live in a world of 5's, and, the majority of us are perfectly happy with that. Some people have new Cadillacs, and some people have old Kias, but most of us drive something in between, and happily, get where we're going just fine, thank you. What's the point? ...it's that you're probably not, or at least might not, be as bad off as you think you are.
Let's take a brutal (honest) look at you.
Are you fat?
How fat (from 1 to 10)? Can you get down to at least a 5? Why not? How bad do you want it? Actually, there are many men/women who prefer fat men/women, so if you feel comfortable with your weight, don't worry about it; they will find you.
Crappy personality?
(from 1 to 10)? Can you smile it up a little and get it at least to a 5?
Do you see where we're going here? Remember, we live in a world of 5's (5's look good enough). When you think of yourself as not looking too good, you're probably using 10's as a criteria in a real world of 5's. We'd all like to be, and snag, a 10, but most of us are going to wind up with a 5 and be very happy about it. So, here's the deal; it's a hell of a long way from a 1 to a 10, but it's not all that far from a 1 to a 5, and with a little work on yourself you can get there and snag your own perfectly good 5 (5's look good enough).
Are you just butt-ugly (from 1 to 10)?
Instead of just living with it, is there anything you can do about it? Dermatology, plastic surgery (hey, I didn't say it wouldn't cost). All you need is to get to a 5... can't cost all that much. How bad do you want it? What are you willing to sacrifice? Buy a new car, or use the money to become at least a 5. The 5 is cheaper—new car or chance at happiness. Pick one, or stay with the ugly, unhappy, lonely, fat people in new cars—stupid.
Too short, too tall?
Hang around with short/tall people... duh!
Intelligence?
Are you a dumbass (from 1 to 10)? Surely you can read a book, or two, and make it to a 5. If not, you're probably a happy idiot already.
Again, the world is a happy 5, and although it's a long way from a 1 to a 10, it ain't that far from a 1 to a 5, and that's where most of us are happy. Mindset is your biggest enemy. If you sit around telling yourself you're a 1 or a 2, and thinking there's nothing you can do about it and you'll never have a mate (mindset), then you're lost. Anybody who looks vaguely human can, with a little time and some sacrifices, make themself into a happy, loveable 5 ...and 5's get lucky all the time.
Just remember, most people are looking for – "within reason" – "that's acceptable" – "I can live with that." So get off your ass and make it happen. When you get to a 5, go back to Uncle John's "Getting Dates" website and learn how to find people to wrestle with.
****
Chapter Eleven
MIXED SIGNALS – DOES HE/SHE LIKE ME OR NOT?
When someone approaches you, tears off their clothes, falls to the floor, moaning, groaning, kissing your feet and begging you to ravage their body, they may be sending a signal that they’d like to get to know you better.
When someone screams, turns green, pukes and runs away every time they see you, they’re probably sending a signal that they don’t find you all that impressive. Life would be a lot easier if these were the only 2 signals we had to contend with. We could simply hang around those who writhe in passion each time we walk by, and avoid people who, repeatedly, puke on us.
Unfortunately, most people are less definite with the signals they send, and often, it’s difficult to interpret what their signals mean. One way to clear things up would be, when you meet someone, poke them in the stomach to see if they puke easily. If not, they might like you—or are just indifferent. Either way, it eliminates the pukers and narrows it down a little. Incidentally, pukers are like gays, no matter how attractive they are; you can’t “turn” them, so don’t even try. Even if you get them to stop puking, they’ll still probably pee on you, occasionally.
So, what are some mixed signals?
Last week, she was paying a lot of attention to you. This week, she’s not.
He’s very attentive and personal when you’re alone with him – but not when other people are around.
He tells others that he likes you but never shows it to you.
She seems to want to be around you a lot but doesn’t get personal.
You catch him looking at you a lot but he never says anything to you.
He’s made it clear that he likes you but he doesn’t follow up on it.
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