Why Women Stay in Abusive Relationships
By Donna J. Farris
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2011 Donna J. Farris
E-book cover design by Donna J. Farris
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Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
This book is dedicated to the family and friends of victims of domestic violence.
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Introduction
It is very difficult for someone who has not experienced the terror of an abusive relationship to comprehend such a life. Those on the outside listen to the horror stories of emergency room visits, terrifying ordeals in the middle of the night, and frightened children forced to witness the violence. And sooner or later, one of the most commonly asked questions is verbalized. "If things are so bad, why don't you just leave?"
Has that question ever crossed your mind? You may have a friend or family member who has finally mustered the courage to tell you physical violence has been an ongoing reality in her marriage. She tries to communicate her fears of further injury, her concerns for the safety of the children, and her anxieties about leaving. You pray with her, counsel her to seek safety, and do your best to provide resources to assist. Yet you encounter a puzzling and continual hesitation. What's going on?
This book was written to answer such questions. The following pages contain some of the typical reasons women are so reluctant to leave an abusive relationship. While by no means an exhaustive list, what follows will provide those on the outside with a glimpse into the world of relationship violence. And by understanding the complexities of the struggles battered women face, readers will be better equipped to offer insightful, compassionate, and effective counsel and intercession.
It is important to remember that 98% of the victims of domestic violence are female. For ease of reading, the author therefore chose to refer to perpetrators of violence as male and victims of abuse as female. However, this decision in no way implies women cannot and are not perpetrators of relationship violence. In addition, this book addresses the ongoing violence within heterosexual relationships. However as similar issues may also exist among same-sex couples, majority of readers will find the contents of this book valuable in understanding the world of abuse.
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Why Women Stay
She still loves the abuser…She loved him when she said, "I do." And somehow, in spite of the violence, she still loves him and desperately wants the marriage to work. "For better or for worse; 'til death do we part," was a solemn vow before man and God which she took seriously. In most cases, abused women do not want the marriage to end in divorce. They just want the violence to end.
She feels sorry for her abuser and believes she can help him…She knows he's had a rough childhood. His father abused his mother and then abandoned the family when he was still young. She understands he never learned to communicate very well. She knows his job is stressful and the bills are piling up. She sees that he doesn't have any real friends and feels increasingly isolated. She knows he's hurting inside. Her conclusion is that if he just had the love of a really good woman and a faithful companion, he would change. So she figures if she can manage to stay alive a little while longer, manage to keep the extent of the violence a secret and protect his reputation, her long-suffering and perseverance will one day be rewarded.
He promises to get help…Following a violent episode there is often, but not always, a time of intense remorse and regret. A period of "wining and dining" ensues, involving flowers, candy, cards, and great displays of affection. The woman begins to fantasize that the romance she experienced during her courtship is alive once again. She sees in his behavior the man she fell in love with and reasons, "Surely, this is the man I married. That other 'monster' is not my real husband. Surely this time he understands that he could have killed me, when he grabbed me by the throat and smashed my head up against that wall. He said he was sorry. And last night he was so gentle with me I think he is finally serious about getting help."
Unfortunately, statistics show that once violence is introduced into an intimate relationship as a means of handling conflict, it only escalates. It does not lessen. But the abused woman is hoping against all rational evidence to the contrary that the abuser's verbal promises to change will be followed by the appropriate behavioral changes. Tragically, it simply does not happen. Mounting evidence points to the fact that virtually all batterers do not change their abusive behavior without some sort of crisis intervention: i.e. separation, divorce, legal prosecution, death, etc.
Following a particularly violent episode, an abuser's performance is carefully calculated. He knows he has crossed the line and faces potential alienation from his mate. He knows the sooner he can become intimate with his wife, the sooner he can regain control of her life. It is vitally important for anyone wanting to understand domestic violence to remember that the goal of an abuser at this point is neither romance nor repentance. It is about regaining power and control over the victim.
She convinces herself that the good times outweigh the bad and that things are not really that bad…There are well-documented, predictable cycles in domestic violence. Relationship violence begins with the "Acute or abusive phase." This is an intensely volatile period in which the abuser becomes verbally, physically or sexually violent, or all three. Following the violence, there generally comes what is referred to as the "Honeymoon phase." Although behaviors and duration vary greatly, during this period the batterer attempts to regain the woman's trust, affection, and commitment to the relationship. During the honeymoon phase, women experience a range of conflicting emotions: from hope to fear; from pleasure to confusion; from alienation to compassion; from love to anger; and round and round she goes.
Sometimes relationships experience no honeymoon phase and tragically move from one violent episode to another with only brief periods of lessened tension. In other relationships, there is little demonstration of affection following an abusive event, just the absence of tension leading up to the violence. However this, in and of itself provides the woman with some degree of relief allowing times of reflection. In any case, many women feel the attention and "love" received during the honeymoon phase is sufficient to sustain them through the violent episodes. As there can be weeks, even months, between explosive outbursts battered women can and do experience "good times." And it's during those days abused women convince themselves life is not really so bad after all.
She minimizes the violence and ignores the ramifications of such blindness. She views his behavior through the "rose colored" glasses of her imaginary fantasies, rather than from the stark realities of the swollen and distorted images glaring back at her in the mirror the morning after. Yet she comes to believe she should be grateful for what she has. At least it's predictable. But there are no guarantees she will survive the next abusive cycle.
She denies violence is a problem because "He only hits me every few months"…Listen very carefully to such statements. Despite trips to the emergency room in the middle of the night; despite the times she is beaten to the point of unconsciousness; despite the bloody bald spots on her heard where hair used to be; despite the broken bones, the bloody noses, the burn marks, the bruises, the black eyes, the effects of sleep deprivation, exposure and starvation; and despite the continual threats of repeated violence, she still claims, "It's not so bad. It's not like he is abusive every day of the week. He only gets violent when he's had too much to drink, or when he's tired, or frustrated, or when he…" You get the idea.
There is something very wrong with this mentality. But to a woman caught in the cycle of violence, minimizing the frequency and extent of the abuse is one of her primary coping mechanisms. And after all, her abuser has repeatedly claimed, "I never abuse you. If and when I do, trust me, you will not live to describe the details."
She believes if she can work harder to please him, he will eventually treat her better…The third phase of domestic violence is called the "Tension Building" phase. During this time a woman walks around on eggshells. An air of heightened anxiety has settled over the home and she senses the pressure mounting. It's only a matter of time before the "other shoe drops," and violence once again erupts in her home.
In an effort to avert impending destruction, she becomes obsessed with trying to meet his every real and perceived need. She fanatically scrubs the kitchen floor, carefully washes the car, mows the lawn, meticulously irons his shirts, prepares his favorite meal, keeps the kids quiet at night, and is ever attentive to his sexual needs. She makes a special effort to agree with him, praise him, and in general to keep her mouth closed when it comes to discussing touchy issues.
For the battered woman, this is an emotionally exhausting time. All energies are focused on warding off the next explosion and staying alive. It is, of course, an effort in futility. And the truth is an abusive man does not need an excuse for violence. Nothing she has done or not done forces him to choose violence or physical abuse as a means of expressing his frustration, insecurities, fear or anger.
She believes that if she hangs in there with him, he will eventually change…An abused woman who has been systematically striped of all hope begins to grasp at straws. She simply believes a lie. Unfortunately, statistics prove she could also be dead. Once violence has been used as a means of solving conflict or establishing control, it only escalates. Rarely, if ever, does it reverse course or cease. The violence has become like a one way train speeding ever faster toward increased destruction and ultimate death.
Four and a half million women die every year from domestic violence. It is the leading cause of death among women ages 15-44 in the United States. The longer she remains with an abusive partner, the closer she could be to the end of her life. This is a matter of fact, not sensationalism or exaggeration.
She blames herself and thinks she deserves the beatings…She has come to believe the lies of her abuser. She blames herself for not being able to successfully meet his needs or attain to his level of perfection. Therefore she succumbs to the belief she truly does deserve to be punished for her shortcomings.
But no one deserves to be beaten at any time and for any reason. Women are not to blame for the violent behavior of their abusers. Contrary to the popular beliefs of some cultures, no amount of so-called "female provocation" justifies or excuses any degree of violence. However real or unreal a woman's limitations or shortcomings may be, she does not deserve the kinds of brutal, inhumane, and humiliating abuse suffered by the hand of her abuser. No man has the "right" to inflict such terror upon another human being - not according to man's law and certainly not according to the laws of Almighty God.
She does not believe she can escape her batterer's domination…Abusers often claim to possess "god-like" powers of ownership over their spouse's life. After years of hearing this mantra, the battered woman begins to believe that even if she somehow managed to escape, no matter where she went, she would never really be free from his grasp. Perhaps she has tried many times to leave only to discover her abuser was stalking her, tracking her every move. Perhaps he has threatened to harm her children, her family or her co-workers unless she returns. She may have even successfully established a new residence a "safe" distance away, only to find the abuser at her doorstep, weeping and professing repentance.
Eventually she is too emotionally exhausted to resist any further. She relents and returns thinking, "What's the use? If I return, at least others will be safe, even if I am not." And still, if someone were to be eventually harmed by her abuser in retaliation for her leaving, she would believe it was somehow her fault.
Although abusers are definitely not God, and have no such rights of ownership over the life of their spouse, the battered woman does have reason to be cautious in how and when she chooses to leave the relationship. According to statistics, women are 75% more likely to be murdered by their abuser after separation. And if she is married to someone in law enforcement, the military or another paramilitary type organization, she is in many ways in much greater peril as such organizations contain the highest percentages of batterers when compared with other homogenous groups.
In such cases, if the battered woman does successfully escape the violence in her home, she is often met with even more dangers when seeking legal protection and criminal prosecution. Her every step is now on "his turf." Juries find it very hard to believe a uniformed law enforcement officer is lying under oath when he denies his abusive behavior. And when several fellow officers show up as character witnesses, she is almost certain to loose in the court of public opinion.
She may think other people will believe the violence is her fault…There is no question that domestic violence alters a woman's perceptions of reality. And the longer she has been in the relationship, the more distorted her thinking processes become. But in this matter, her assessment is not far from the truth.
Revealing a common misconception, the question often asked an abused woman is, "What did you do to provoke him?" Whether with words or through varied forms of non-verbal communication, it's an accusation abused women hear all too frequently. It is the message hinted by her family, implied by her friends, suspected by the police, and tragically, sometimes even suggested by her minister. After all, "What man could resist the precious qualities of a gentle and meek woman?" is the rationale.
Understandably people who have never experienced relational violence find it next to impossible to reconcile the difference between the kind, honest, decent, hard-working, God-fearing man they know in public with the "Dr. Jekyll - Mr. Hyde" monster she says he becomes when they are alone. When the battered woman shows up at the doorstep of a friend in hysterical tears, barely able to rationally communicate what has just occurred, the response is too often, "Get yourself together and grow up! No wonder he slapped you. It was probably the only way he could get you to calm down and listen to reason."
The recurring message is, "Somehow, you are causing the violence. It's your fault." Doctors tell her it must be true. Ministers tell her it must be true. Her family tells her it must be true. Her friends tell her it must be true. Who is left to believe her story?
Sometimes, abused women are accused of making up the stories of abuse to get attention or to gain sympathy or revenge against their abuser. While this is certainly within the realm of possibility, the simple truth is most women do not make up stories of domestic violence. And the medical reports, the eyewitnesses, the police reports, the lie-detector results, and the nightmares described by the children themselves will all testify to the truth if anyone has an ear to hear and eyes to see.
The abuser threatens to kill or harm his partner, himself or others if she leaves… Maybe he has already abused or threatened her family members, intimidated her co-workers or neighbors, killed her pets, or frightened the children or their classmates. His goal is to convince her that he is capable of carrying out such threats. All such statements should be treated as real threats to the safety of human life. The simple fact that he has verbalized the threat to commit a felony is in and of itself a crime.
As already stated, a woman has a 75% greater risk of losing her life once she leaves the relationship. The more her abuser senses he is losing control of the situation, the higher the probability he will make good on his promises to cause harm. Therefore any woman ready to leave an abusive relationship needs to carefully plan her escape and subsequent activities.
She fears being alone…Most people (male or female) do not welcome the idea of spending the rest of their lives alone. Most people marry, among other reasons, to fulfill their need for loving companionship. But beyond the simple need for fellowship, many women today believe the myth that "every woman needs a man to be happy." They feel that without a man at their side, they are somehow less of a woman.
The truth is, if her relationship with her abuser changes -i.e. she moves out, files for divorce, or he leaves the home by court order or is imprisoned for his violence - she will walk a lonely mile for a time. If she has successfully hidden the abuse from family members, not understanding her motives, they will criticize her decision. Friends, especially if she is a professing Christian, will find it difficult to support her decision to terminate the marriage. They may initially maintain the relationship. But soon new interests, decreased income levels, alternate living arrangements, and increasing time restraints work to widen the gap between already strained friendships. In addition, as she seeks the comfort of individuals who understand her plight and who will not serve as a constant reminder of her failures, the greater circle of her acquaintances will be dramatically altered.
The bottom line is, if and when she leaves the relationship she will no longer be part of a "couple", but will be a "single." For many this is a terrifying thought. She knows people will treat her differently. It may not be fair, but it is real.
She came from an abusive home so the violence seems natural…The sights and sounds in her home are all too familiar. The response of each family member is predictable. Domestic violence is her "norm." It was her mother's norm. It is her sister's norm. Her conclusion is, "This must be the way everyone lives." She learned as a child to interpret the signs of the changing "tides" and to weather the stormy seas of abuse. She understands the weather patterns which have taken up residence within her own home. Why change locations?
She stays because of religious convictions or cultural constraints…Spiritual and religious convictions play a tremendously strong role in a woman's decision to continue or not to continue in an abusive relationship. Various cultural demands and societal expectations also govern the choices available to battered women.
In some cultures, a woman is deemed worthy of death if she leaves her husband for any reason, including life-threatening physical abuse. In such environments, women are considered little more than "property." They live or die based solely on the whims of the dominate men in their families. Tragically, for abused women in such cultures there are little to no community resources to assist.
Some women endure tremendous pressure from their religious affiliations to keep their marriage intact at all costs. However when women with strong religious ties make the decision to leave, all too often they suffer increased guilt and feelings of regret for having elevated their own well-being above the fulfillment of their marriage vows. And many are haunted for years by fears of divine retribution for their "selfish disobedience."Sadly, some religious institutions perpetuate these fears.
She believes leaving will mean she is a failure as a wife and mother…If she believes her entire identity revolves around these two roles, is it any wonder she leaves the relationship with a profound sense of failure and worthlessness? An abused woman may have done everything humanly possible to "make the marriage work." She may not have but either way it really won't matter. If she ends the marriage, she will be plagued with these self-imposed, self-destructive labels for the rest of her life. And her decision to initiate divorce proceedings will forever label her as the "one who left," and as the one who "gave up and quit." For many abused women, such accusations are simply too painful to risk.
She stays because of the children…This is a very common, but very dangerous rational for a battered woman to embrace. It is dangerous for her and dangerous for the very children she seeks to protect. She has convinced herself that somehow the children can be shielded from the violence and isolated from its' effects. She truly believes the children do not know what's going on behind closed doors as they listen to the thuds and bangs against the walls and hear her cries for help. She truly believes they do not know the source of the cuts and bruises found on her body the morning after. But nothing could be father from the truth.
What battered women do not know is that boys who see their mothers abused are 100 times more likely to grow up and abuse their spouses and children. And if that boy is also abused, he is 1,000 times more likely to abuse his future spouse and children. Young girls that witness their mother being abused will grow up to accept domestic violence as a normal part of married life. These are the facts. And the "beat goes on" as the song used to say.
Since fifty percent of men who abuse their spouses also abuse their children, a woman walks a fine line in this matter. By choosing to keep her children in what she knows is a violent environment, in most states she can be criminally charged with "child neglect and/or endangerment." If the children are abused, she could lose custody of her children and potentially be indicted as an accomplice to their abuse. This is a sobering reality yet occurs more frequently than anyone wants to admit.
She feels she cannot financially support herself and the children…When a woman separates from her husband, statistics show her standard of living drops by 74% within the first year. The batterer, on the other hand, has a 43% rise in his standard of living.
The batterer usually takes possession of the former residence, since most women can rarely afford to maintain the upkeep on their meager salary, welfare, or disability income. Driven back into the work force, women often find themselves in a community where income levels are insufficient to cover all necessary expenses of a single-parent household. Affordable housing may be slim and what accommodations are within her budget are often in less-than-desirable neighborhoods. She worries about lower academic opportunities for the kids, drug dealers, street gangs, and the overall day-to-day safety of her family. She wonders how she will be able to feed and clothe her children, provide adequate medical and dental care, and pay for day care and the utility bill all in the same month.
And when contemplating options, abused women often realize they do not have the financial resources to move to a different community or out-of-state where the economic picture is more optimistic. All things considered, many abused women decide they are better off remaining in a violent home rather than leaving only to face potential economic disaster or something worse.
She has no support system…Through a series of calculated events, batterers often seek to dismantle and isolate their spouses from existing support networks. They often force the family to move several times, sometimes taking the family halfway across the country or even to a different country entirely. And while there may be logical reasons why such moves are necessary, the end result is the same.
Frequent relocations are an effective tool to distance abused women from sympathetic co-workers, neighbors, friends and family members in times of crisis. For women with a strong faith-based network, such moves are insidiously designed to sever connections with those who could potentially become their most effective and supportive ally.
She feels powerless to leave or make any decision regarding her own safety…After years of coping with the realities of domestic violence most abused women have little mental or emotional reserves with which to embrace the multitude of challenges necessary to free themselves from the abuse. They have been systematically stripped of the will and courage to defy status quo. They truly believe it is far safer to remain in the existing relationship than to venture out into the world of the unknown.
She does not know her legal rights…She may be confused by the term "domestic violence." Many abused women truly believe the violence occurring behind closed doors is a "private family matter." They are not convinced they have been victims of a violent crime. They don't understand that assault and battery are crimes within a marriage just as surely as they are outside a marriage and carry the same legal consequences. Such denials have kept battered women from seeking out those agencies which exist to provide legal services to victims of violent crimes. The abused woman needs help in understanding she has every right to pursue any and all legal protection necessary to ensure the safety and well-being of her life and property.
She is unaware of the resources available…She simply does not know and has not taken the time to discover the organizations within her community which exist to support battered women. Her lack of knowledge serves to further immobilize and paralyze her from taking action. Most cities in America provide a host of medical, legal, educational, housing, financial, and child care resources for victims of domestic violence. Unfortunately if she lives outside the United States her supportive resources are limited. Change is absolutely vital, but the battered woman needs help to understand why and where to turn.
Concluding Thoughts
Violence in a relationship is never acceptable at any time for any reason. Domestic violence is a crime and victims can seek legal protection for themselves and their children.
God loves victims and perpetrators of violence. And although statistics tell a different story, change is possible through the power of God's word, a commitment to His ways, and through His Holy Spirit living in a willing, yielded heart.
Whether you are the friend of an abused woman, whether you are being abused, or whether you are the one causing such pain, I pray you will consider and receive the comfort and hope found in the following biblical passages.
"Who will stand up for me against evil doers? Who will take his stand for me against those who do wickedness? If the LORD had not been my help, my soul would soon have dwelt in the abode of silence. If I should say, 'My foot has slipped,' Thy lovingkindness, O LORD, will hold me up. When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Thy consolations delight my soul." Psalms 94:6-19
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalms 73:26
"The eyes of the Lord move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His." 2 Chronicles 16:9
"Cast your burden upon the Lord, and He will sustain you." Psalms 55:22
"For nothing is impossible with God." Luke 1:37
"For I know the plans I have for you', says the LORD. 'They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.'" Jeremiah 29:11
"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us…" Ephesians 3:20
"For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so My ways are higher than your ways and My thoughts higher than your thoughts [says the LORD.]" Isaiah 55:9
"For God loved the world so much that He gave His one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16
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Bibliography
Barner, Leslie, L., "A Way of Hope - Seven Steps Toward Breaking the Cycle of Violence in Your Life," FamilyLife, a Division of Campus Crusade for Christ. NOTE: Some of the major headings included in this booklet were taken from Barner's book. However the majority of the headings, in addition to all of the subsequent discussions, comments, and introductory and closing remarks, are entirely the original writings of Donna. J. Farris, who is the sole copyright owner of the contents of "Why Women Stay in Abusive Relationships."
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About the Author
Donna J. Farris has been helping people overcome painful experiences for years. She believes now is the time for redeemed saints of God to stand up, speak up and to declare God’s power to transform lost and broken lives. Therefore in 2010, she launched the Gripped for Glory blog encouraging Christians everywhere to convert painful experiences into stories of hope for God’s glory.
The world needs to hear Christian testimonies now more than ever. Join the Gripped for Glory community of saints who are not ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
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Other works by Donna J. Farris can be found on Smashwords.com
Consider Divine Love, http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/74841