Beer Money
Mark Fitzgerald
Copyright 2010 by Mark Fitzgerald
Smashwords Edition
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get on with it …
I hate when I talk over other people... it's rude and impulsive … but waiting… waiting for them to spit out whatever shit they had is excruciating.
stoned …
I would just as soon be turned to stone immediately if I had to look directly at Madonna!... Wait.. I should have said Medusa! … whatever ... same difference.
Jersey girl …
Now that Madonna speaks with a British accent I hope the queen doesn’t bestow knighthood upon her. I refuse to call the broad "Lady Madonna".... and you would bet she would demand it of everyone.
three steps to radicalization…
There are three steps to radicalization. My browser has this series of pics of the new home grown Al-Queda leader. First, his pic as a clean shaven young immigrant to America. Second, as an 80's disco-hound with precisely chiseled moustache/goutee. Third, shaggy rag-head (courtesy of photoshop of course). Clearly, he became radicalized in stage two when he struck out in his attempts to bang hot American chicks. Now he's going for virgins in the post-life sexual buffet of martyrdom.
image of Mohammed …
There aren't supposed to be any in existence, but I have an actual photo of Mohammed. He'd clean up real good with razor ... perhaps even a box-cutter.
simple solution to a millenium old problem…
"I'd say lets just give the Mohave Desert to the Palestinians but, of course the other states would protest on account of the inevitable influx of Jews.” M. Gibson.
born again …
The door to the master bath is a pair of 12" french doors. Rarely closed. One night at the computer, because of allergies, I was coughing so bad that suddenly I thought I was going to puke. I bolted to the door. Karen had left one half-open. I woke up some undetermined time later... in a pool of blood. Nobody had even missed me. For all I know I might have died and been born again. I do know I was changed. From then on, if I'm gonna puke I puke right where I am.
bugs …
I'd take my computer in for servicing but... it's got a lot of ... how shall I say... "classified/for eyes only" stuff on it. Just saying.
hooters …
One of my most beloved female facebook friends just had a baby. I won't mention names and I don't even know her husband personally, but Brock, do what I did. Take baby to Hooters .. and watch all the breasts come to baby!!!!! Caution, do not take a hungry baby... primary cause of ADD in later years.
foul play …
I have a problem with those grocery store whole broiled chickens. They taste great but, when you open the packaging and see their little chickens legs bound together with wire, it's hard to deny that you aren't accessory to murder. Good eatin' though....
911…
As an architect and conspiracy guy... I have refused to sign up for any of the recent continuing education courses about building fires, that have been offered since 911. No fire in history EVER caused a building to collapse, although three did in Manhattan on the same day. Now... I will take a course on how to harden buildings against deliberate demo by your own government if... there are enough CEUs offered and the course comes with a luncheon.
the home team …
How shall I put this... delicately. A lot of my male friends don't "play on the same team" as me. It not coz they only want to be "pitcher or catcher",.. it's coz they have absolutely no interest in going to second base... let alone sliding into home.
one whores town…
The City of Grand Prairie Texas police department does that sting thing all the time, ( that I have a real problem with ) where they dress up a cop like a whore and she struts along Main Street until some poor down on his luck/but high on his sperm count schmuck solicits her. It is a victimless crime but, Iguess this is done in the interest of preserving the moral character of our citizens. So why don't catholic nuns run the same kind of sting... MAN WOULD THAT SCARE THE FUCK OUT OF YOU when she pulled out her rosary.
bad hair era …
Back in the late 80' when I was super fit and running I wore my hair really long in the back; even though I was a professional architect as well. Be honest with me.... did it count as a mullet?????
big part of me …
there's a big part of me that thinks.... yes, it's just above my neck and between my ears.
failed audition …
I auditioned for the lead in a porno movie... man... I came this close. But you know, close only counts in horseshoes... and something else, I forget. No! I remember… "whoreshoes".
how does BP do it??? …
some people pee in the shower...( not me )... some people pee in pools ...( not me) . It took an hour for me to force myself to pee in the Pacific Ocean and my guilt is still unabated twenty years later.
succulent …
I am uncomfortable with this word. It straddles eroticism and gastronomy. It sounds equally inappropriate and cheesy in either realm. Should I eat something that I would be better fucking… fucking something I really should eat. It's a worthless word. The word itself, "succulent", sounds like it just rolled of the lips of porn star. It sucks regardless of having the syllable "suck" in it's pronunciation.
free pork …
You all probably know that joke about the conflict free pork would cause a faithful Jew. This is the same kind of thing. One of my absolute favorite females, who can take a joke to a point, finally got married. To a missionary.
What fodder... for off-color humor...... and I can't go near it.
who's "bad"…
If your lovemaking is so compelling that it causes your partner to ... make
wind... should an apology be forthcoming from either of you? If she says "excuse me" do you follow with "no, it was my fault". Just one of those awkward situations they never tell you about in gym class.
winds …
I wonder if farts are a window to the soul. Probably.
probable cause…
vomiting is often associated with the presence of puke in the stomach party fun…
Just once, I wish someone would fill a pinata with meat products. Maybe a paper mache whale full of sardines. THAT group of kids would grow up with a lessened tendency to hit animals with sticks.
lynnard di vinci …
I think we'd care a whole lot less if her name was... Mona Lucy.
compare and contrast …
If anyone EVER asks that of me again, there will be blood. Total genius though.... it is illiterative and created a form of test question requiring no knowledge of the subject matter by thee person asking or grading.
didn't happen …
originally, I had planned for many marriages but, you know, life got in the way... career, kids, my music and, of course, Karen.
75052?
I guess you can all tell. It's just a matter of time before I go "postal" ... the only thing in question is the specific zip code.
plea for attention…
just like I used to do before, I ran my hand gently over my wife's buttocks, there just beneath her silky nightgown. She went motionless and pretended to be asleep, even as the water in the sink covered the dishes entirely and was running into the top of the rubbermaid gloves she was wearing.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh ……
sometimes.. I JUST WANNA SCREAM!!!!! no real reason, of course… I just have a feminine side.
courtesy is my middle name…
my 16 year old van is still my ride to work. But, it leaks steering fluid. Too complicated to fix. I think it pisses my bosses off that I leak on their parking lot but at least I park on the "wet spot".
sex problems????
Girl's you could tell me your stories and I could advise you... but come on ...you know damn well what you're doing wrong.
bad"dad"ism #one
He was just toddling. VCR's were all the rage but I couldn't actually afford one.
I rented the whole setup from the grocery store; player, cables, movie... ( a movie with lot's of nudity). Karen was taking Master's degree classes at night. WTF... he won't have a clue what I'm watching. That 16 month old dude was so revv'ed up he was like the “energizer bunny”... just pacing in every direction with his eyes never losing their focus. As a graduate of five years of psychology I was intrigued. As a dad........ what need I say!!!!!!!
"pop"arrazzi …
the kid in that pic is my son Parker, who, as a rising actor, will be famous someday. His image.. yes, but I took the pic. So sue me Parker.
defiant…
they say I'm the sexiest man alive. Well, they can say what they want... it doesn't mean I have to agree with them. Thank you.
father's words…
I had this buddy in graduate school. I liked him because, for an architecture student, he was down to earth. Not some wannabe iconoclast. His dad was even a little closer to the dirt. When son and Dad went through the drive- thru at McDonalds dad said "well, at least it will make shit."
sleepy time…
If I didn't have sleep apnea... I wouldn't think of all this random shit. But when you wake up 28 times per hour, you think.....
because I'm one of you
As a courtesy to others I try not to post during the dinner hour. You're welcome.
matter of taste…
I guess I can understand that God might not have intended for men to lie down
with men, but surely he didn't give women such cool junk and expect the same thing of them.
more better bard …
"to thou nine old elves, be true".. wtf.. who would deceive one old elf, let alone nine!!!
quality time…
sometimes when I'm alone and I think " I just can't go on "… I go on the net and "get off". Does this make sense... I hope not.
confession …
Generally, I conceal my vulnerability. First time I didn't, this big black dude ”vulnered" me real bad. Not saying race had anything to do with it. Just the way it came down. NEVER AGAIN.
happy place…
I think I'll do some online banking ... that always cheers me up.
drugs…
Paxil -36 hour or Paxil- everyday. I can't decide. I do want to be ready when the time is right, though.
scatological theory…
poo ... poop .. why the extra p? adds nothing.
rear end …
if it's "bum" in Canada and "butt" in America, why is misfortune in America a "bummer" . English makes no sense. Why do we even speak it?
four little words…
I hope, I am not the only one, among people I respect that, in a reckless moment has uttered the phrase "let's git’ er done". I lost the good regards of a young female friend because of my one little slip.
el el ..
I'm glad Lindsey's out. Everyone is back in their places. BTW, us middle aged guys are not all that down on the Lindseys and Paris's. We're glad they don't, by marriage or paternity, share out surnames. But barring that ... its all good.
simulated sinus condition ..
Try this..
first say:
duct tape
easy.
now say
tuct dape
don't your sinuses feel all stuffed up.
better bard
Romeo.. Romeo... where fart thou????
radicalized …
I have become radicalized!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.. er... wait... "caramelized"... that's what I meant. Totally different thing.
illegally blonde …
"If have only one life to live, let me live it as a blonde." General George A. M. Custer. Who incidentally was NOT legally blonde.. he just liked the attention if got him. I think he did have more fun as well.
fish taco …
Fish taco.... had the chef who invented those ever even heard of metaphors? Was't wasted on me. Just saying. But I believe in gender-justice... especially if it is poetic. For years men have had to endure the humiliation of the "hot dog" Well, back at ya girls!!!!!