WHODUNNIT MRS
CHRISTIE?
By
Robert Challis
Published by Robert Challis at Smashwords. Copyright 1990 Robert Challis
If you are considering performing this play, for terms and conditions contact the author on robert.challis@bigpond.com.
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WHODUNNIT MRS CHRISTIE?
A three Act, single set play by Robert Challis. First performed by the Strathalbyn Players Inc in June I990.
ACT I - Saturday afternoon. ACT II - Sunday Morning. ACT III - Monday Morning.
THE CHARACTERS
Lady
Bayfield
wealthy
heiress, late sixties, ailing with weak heart. At first sight,
everyone's idea of a nice old lady, but manipulative with a touch of
spleen that is occasionally revealed.
Thomas
Her
faithful old Butler. Similar age.
Janet
Drewer
Lady
Bayfield's secretary. In her twenties, an attractive but plain
speaking and cynical young lady.
Dave
In
his twenties. An Australian spiv.
Greg
Hodges
Lady
Bayfield's nephew - an unpublished writer of murder mysteries,
cynical. Aged around thirty.
Sarah
Hodges
Greg's
wife. At times, withdrawn, but a determined woman of strong
emotions.
Agnes
Buckley
Lady
Bayfield's sister. Early sixties. A good hearted, not over
intelligent woman, with a weakness for the bottle.
Ted
Buckley
Agnes's
husband. Early sixties, a retired detective from the fraud squad. At
times bumptious, at others, cunning and sycophantic.
Inspector
Rayner
From
the Oxford C.I.D. Somewhat supercilious, old school tie type.
Nevertheless, a successful homicide detective.
Agatha
Christie
The
famous writer, aged 60, a good hearted woman with a sharp analytical
mind.
Doctor
Simpson
An
efficient but inexperienced lady Doctor In her twenties.
Constable
Whittaker
A
young police officer.
THE SET
I950.
The living room of a well established and large country residence
near Oxford. Although Lady Bayfield has lived here many years, rather
than staid and conservative, the decoration conveys a slightly dotty
feel.
When first performed, the set was as follows:
A large
living room. Exits
at the rear of stage left side flat and at the rear of stage right
side flat. An alcove
at the centre of the rear stage flat in which there is a
sideboard/drinks
cabinet.
On top of this, several
wine glasses and a drinks decanter. To
stage left of the alcove, a painting
hanging
on the back flat. To stage right of the alcove, a
telephone table and
telephone
against the back flat. On the stage right side flat towards front of
stage, a bookcase
with books.
On
the stage left side flat towards front of stage, a fireplace.
Stage
right, front of stage, an armchair.
Just
back and slightly closer to centre stage, a
settee with
a small
coffee table in
front of it. Stage left, a small
table
with two
chairs.
Minor
rearrangements of furniture and props were required between acts.
(Curtain opens. Janet on phone)
Janet: (Pause) Yes, that's right, Janet Drewer. Return tickets London to Paris. I'd like to cancel my booking. Yes. I have to collect my refund in person? Good. Thank you.
(She hurriedly hangs up as she hears people coming. Thomas and lady Bayfield enter, Thomas carrying her hat and coat. Janet hurries out past them as they enter stage left.)
Lady B: Rude girl. Now Thomas, I’LL be going just as soon as that taxi gets here.
Thomas: You're early. It'll mean a wait at the station.
Lady B: Better early then late.
Thomas: Can't I drive you there?
Lady B: No. I told you I want you here to greet the other guests. A taxi will be fine.
Thomas: Janet can meet the guests. It's only your nephew and his wife still to arrive.
Lady B: Janet! I wouldn't trust her. I wouldn't put it past her to make a scene.
Thomas: Oh, I don't think she'd do that.
Lady B: You don't know her the way I do. I've a good mind to let her go.
Thomas: You've been threatening that for months.
Lady B: There you are then. It must be high time to do it.
Thomas: But Madam...
Lady B: No buts. I don't want to discuss the matter any further. Help me on with my coat.
Thomas: (Helping her) Whom are you meeting at the station?
Lady B: That's my little surprise, Thomas, and believe me, it will be a surprise.
Thomas: That's what you've been saying all week.
Lady B: Then it must be true.
Thomas: What I don't understand, Madam, is if your guest is so special, why such a small gathering this weekend? Apart from Janet and myself, there's only your nephew and his wife, and your sister and her husband.
Lady B: Ah but this is going to be a special weekend. Greg and Agnes are the only family I can still count on, and I want this to be a family weekend. (Pathetically) They're all I've got, you know.
Thomas: But with only the seven of us, it doesn't make for much of a murder weekend. It cuts down the options.
Lady B: You'll be surprised, Thomas. This is going to be a murder mystery with a difference. You may as well know it. This is the last time I shall call a meeting of our little group.
Thomas: Madam, the last!
Lady B: Yes Thomas, the doctor has been telling me for a long time that my heart just can't stand up to the excitement any more. And now I've been given an ultimatum - give up on these murder weekends or my days are numbered.
Thomas: (Shocked) Surely not, Madam.
Lady B: And I'm afraid to say I'm inclined to believe it. One can sense it, you know. A weak ticker, struggling to get through the day. The tablets can only do so much. There's going to be a night before long when I go to sleep never to wake.
Thomas: You shouldn't be talking this way.
Lady B: One has to face facts, Thomas. I'm not afraid to die. I've had a long and interesting life - you can't ask for more. So this weekend is going to be my swansong. I'm determined to go out in a blaze of glory. And so I'll be ending the weekend with a reading of my new will.
Thomas: (Dismayed) Another one, Madam?
Lady B: Don't be dismayed, Thomas, you get a more than honourable mention in this one.
Thomas: But wouldn't it be better to keep it all to yourself? It can only cause bad feeling.
Lady B: I thought you'd be pleased. (she touches him on the shoulder) You didn't get a mention in the last one. But I've forgiven you for our little difference.
Thomas: (Drily) So kind of you, Madam. But do you have to make it all so public' Why not a fake will? That would serve just as well for the game.
Lady B: But it adds such a zing to the weekend. We have our pretend murder but - we've got a real life motive. So everyone knows the game we're playing could really happen, if anyone just had the courage.
Thomas: Courage! It's murder you're talking about.
Lady B: But to kill a human being, Thomas, even yourself, takes immense courage. I'm really not sure that there's a single one of us capable of it. We're a bunch of cowards.
Thomas: Cowardice in not all that prevents a man committing murder, Madam.
Lady B: Oh? Please enlighten me.
Thomas: There's decency, respect for law.
Lady B: (Delighted) Oh, Fiddlesticks.
Thomas: (Thoughtfully) You know, Madam, there have been times when I've been wondering if the real thrill of this game for you is in seeing how far you can push people - just what their limits are before they go over the edge.
Lady B: (Impishly) Oh don't be silly, Thomas. You're all family - the only family I have left. I regard you as part of my family, you know. And you all enjoy the game as much as I do - despite everything you say behind my back.
Thomas. (Clearing his throat) I just think you're asking for trouble making your will public and then changing it. It'll test out the best of friendships. And there's no surer way of causing bad feeling within a family.
Lady B: Well, Thomas, I promise that this will be the last one, if it'll make you feel better.
Thomas: It does, Madam.
Lady B: (Cuttingly) Of course it does. You do very nicely in this one.
(Thomas glares. She pretends not to notice. Sound of car horn outside)
Now that's my taxi. I shouldn't be long if the train's on time. Tell everyone to assemble here at half past three to meet my special guest. She'll knock you for six, believe me.
(She exits left. Thomas goes to cabinet backstage and begins getting glasses out ready)
Thomas: Janet!
(More work on glasses. Janet enters left from inside the house.)
Janet: What is it Thomas?
Thomas: Is Mrs. Baxter here yet?
Janet: No, but she should be here in a few minutes. She can start on dinner straight away.
Thomas: Good. Could you see that there's some cooled water ready for Madam in the fridge, and water by her bedside.
Janet: Good idea. Do you have any rat poison I could drop in it?
(Janet exits right. Front door bell rings. Thomas exits to entrance hall left and re-enters with Dave. Dave immediately gets himself a drink. Thomas is very edgy)
Thomas: Use the servants' entrance, I've told you.
Dave: That's a nice greeting.
Thomas: You know I don't want anyone to see you here.
Dave: No need to be ashamed of me. (He sits down on sofa with his feet up)
Thomas: Ashamed of myself more. You could ruin me here.
Dave: I thought the old lady knows you keep bad company.
Thomas: She knew. I promised I'd give up the horses after the last disaster.
Dave: It's in the blood. You can never give it up. (pause) So you don't think you could touch her for another loan?
Thomas: Don't be ridiculous. If I got into a jam like that again, well, I don't know - I'd hate to think what might happen.
Dave: (laughing) At your age too. I'd have thought you'd have learnt some moderation by now.
Thomas: Well did she see you coming in?
Dave: Don't you worry. Young David Bains is too slippery for that.
Thomas: Where did you put the motor bike?
Dave: (Rising and moving forward) Just as you told me. I parked her up the road a bit and hiked the rest. Saw the old lady passing in a taxi, so I thought, lovely day like this, nice big house, long drive, I’ll walk right up to the front door and greet me old mate Thomas.
Thomas: So she didn't see you?
Dave: I told you...
Thomas: That's all right then. But if anyone else runs into you here, you're my nephew down from Australia. Understand?
Dave: Sure. You worry too much. Where's Janet, by the way?
(He goes to exit right. Thomas brings him back)
Thomas: (Hissing) I told you, I don't want anyone to know you're here.
Dave: Janet knows me anyway.
Thomas: I know, but she might let it slip that you've been here.
Dave: Well where is she? Taken a bit of a shine to me, I reckon. It's the old Aussie good looks.
Thomas: I don't know where she is. Are you here to see her or me?
Dave: Oh that's right. Slipped me mind for a moment. Listen Thommo...
Thomas: Don't call me Thommo.
Dave: Sorry mate. Look, I've got a sure thing this afternoon.
Thomas: Another?
Dave: This one's different. It's a scheme.
Thomas: What sort of scheme?
Dave: An accumulator.
Thomas: Oh, one of them.
Dave: That's right. You put your money on a horse in the first race. If it wins, it all goes on the second race. If you win again, it all goes on a horse in the third race, then...
Thomas: I know, I know, big money. But if any one of them loses, you've blown the lot.
Dave: But this time it’s different. I worked out a sequence of three sure fire.
Thomas: I've heard that before.
Dave: Just listen. Sea Fever in the first, Banbury Boy in the second...
Thomas: I don't know about Sea Fever. There's some good horses in that race.
Dave: Trust me, he's a certainty. I put your five quid on it. Four to one.
Thomas: All right, but he's not a certainty.
Dave: That's where you're wrong. Look at the time.
Thomas: (Looking at clock on mantle-piece) It's already been run.
Dave: Swarmed all over them at the finish. Won by a nose. Twenty five crisp ones in me pocket. (He takes out money and holds it in front of Thomas)
Thomas: Twenty five pounds! Well done Dave. I can use that.
Dave: (Snatching the money out of his reach) But here's the idea. Hold off on the twenty five. Put it all on the next - Banbury Boy, then...
Thomas: Banbury Boy's favourite.
Dave: Even money. Dead cert. Double your money - fifty quid, then put the lot on Half a League in the last.
Thomas: Half a League hasn't won in months.
Dave: But here's the rub. The bookies know that too - so he's twelve to one.
Thomas: So they think he's no good.
Dave: Just keep quiet and listen. Now I happen to know the trainer, Ron Foster. I was drinking with him Friday. He said, jumping out of his skin, that horse.
Thomas: Same old story.
Dave: But there's more. He said, all we need is a good pace set - a bold front runner, and Half a League'll run all over the top of them at the finish.
Thomas: All right, but what if no one sets a fast pace?
Dave: (Touching nose) Just leave it to your Uncle Dave. I happen to know Johnny Wade, rider of Boy Blue in the same race.
Thomas: But Boy Blue doesn't stand a chance.
Dave: That's right, so the jockey'll be partial to a little sling up front.
Thomas: (Interest growing) What are you getting at?
Dave: Twenty five to Johnny to take his horse to the front and set the pace we want, then we sit back and watch Half a League bring in the money. Fifty pounds at twelve to one, that's six hundred clear profit.
Thomas: Six hundred....
(Thomas wanders to right, front. Dave follows)
Dave: So we're on then?
Thomas: (To himself) That would be just the right start.
Dave: A start - it's more than a start, mate.
Thomas: For my scheme - six hundred - build up a stake....
Dave: You're dreaming now. Six hundred in the pocket. All I need is...
Thomas: A couple of big bets - a few hundred at fives, then the really big one, maybe five or ten thousand. I'll be a man of substance.
Dave: Step at a time mate. Now I was wondering...
Thomas: One day, Dave, I’ll get that stake together - a run of luck, that's all I need. God knows if it isn't owing to me. Then I'll be someone.
Dave: Throw in this job here.
Thomas: No, no, I'll stay hare, but it'll be different. A bit more respect. I won't be Thomas any more. I'll be Mr. Thomas.
Dave: (Laughing) Mr. Thomas.
Thomas: You can laugh, but I've dreamed of it. One day, Lady Bayfield will look me in the eye and say, Mr. Thomas, would you mind driving me to the station. And I’ll say, with pleasure, Lady Bayfield, with the utmost pleasure.
Dave: But we're running out of time here. I need twenty five pounds.
Thomas: Respect, in her eyes. Not just the butler anymore, a real person. Then I could die happy. That's all I ask.
Dave: Twenty five quid I need mate, for the sling to Boy Blue's jockey. Twenty five quid.
Thomas: Twenty five pounds? But can't you take that from the profits of the second race?
Dave: And halve the stake on the last leg? What do you want, three hundred quid or six hundred?
Thomas: But twenty five pounds...
Dave: You were paid this week weren't you?
Thomas: Yes but...
Dave: Six hundred quid.
Thomas: Wait a second.
(Thomas exits right. Dave goes to cabinet, pours a drink, comes down to the centre front of stage and holds his glass up in a toast.)
Dave: Here's to your twenty five pounds, you mug. (drinks)
(Thomas enters from right, holding bank notes in his hand. He gives these to Dave who turns his back to Thomas, flicks quickly through the notes, counting them, puts them in his wallet, grins to himself then turns back to Thomas.)
You won't regret it, mate. Remember, ten percent to me when it's over.
(Door bell sounds.)
Thomas: Somone coming. You've got to get out. I don't want you seen here. Up the hallway, through the kitchen, then out the servants' entrance. (ushering him out exit left)
Dave: Is that all the thanks I get?
(Exits left into the house. Thomas exits left to front door and returns a moment later with Greg and Sarah Hodges. Greg puts a small travelling case down just inside the room next to the entrance.)
Sarah: And how are you today, Thomas?
(She goes and sits left end of settee. Greg goes to sit in arm chair)
Thomas: Fine thank you, Mrs. Hodges. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for Lady Bayfield. She's had some bad days lately, I'm afraid.
Sarah: Her heart again?
Thomas: I'm afraid so.
Greg: This might be our last visit, then? (Thomas reacts)
Sarah: For Heaven’s sake, Greg, don't start.
Greg: And where was she off to in such a hurry?
Thomas: Sir?
Greg: We passed her on the road on our way in.
Thomas: She's meeting her guest at the station.
Greg: (Interested) Oh? And who's it to be this weekend?
Thomas: She's not saying, but she says it's someone very special.
Greg: No clues?
Thomas: Madam did let slip that the guest is a lady.
Greg: Really? That narrows it down a bit. Not too many retired detectives who are female. Perhaps a famous detective's wife. Or a forensic expert maybe? There's plenty of women in that line. Or maybe another publisher. Let's hope.
Thomas: (With a hint of sarcasm) Still looking for a publisher, Mr. Hodges?
Greg: (Suddenly animated, rising from his seat and walking across stage) Damn, in this writing business, it's not how well you write that counts, it's whom you know. I'm not an arrogant man, God knows, but it gets on your goat when you see some of the rubbish that gets published. At least my murder mysteries have some depth to them.
Thomas: It must be a trial, Sir.
Greg: (Looking sharply at Thomas) of course, most people don't recognize quality when they see it.
Thomas: Madam has some contacts in publishing.
Greg: So she keeps telling me, and promising introductions.
Thomas: I understood she introduced you to someone from Penguin.
Greg: Not interested in new authors - that's the problem.
Sarah: Perhaps you're aiming too high.
Greg: (Angry) Rubbish. When you've got talent and you know it, you've no choice but to exploit it. Don't you agree, Thomas?
Thomas: Certainly Sir. That's why I've been a butler for the past thirty years.
Greg: (Glancing at him) Some kind of grand publicity stunt, that's what you need. Get a name for something, then the publishers will queue up. You know the best way to get a book published these days?
Thomas: I've no idea Sir.
Greg: Prison.
Sarah: You're not serious!
Greg: Get yourself put away for some particularly despicable crime, and believe me, you're laughing all the way to the bank.
(Greg goes to backstage and pours himself a drink. Then he returns to armchair)
Thomas: It does seem a little drastic, Sir.
Sarah: Who are the other guests, Thomas?
Thomas: There's just you and the Buckleys this weekend, Mrs. Hodges.
Sarah: That's unusual.
Greg: Everyone else is sick of her, no doubt. Only those mentioned in her Will bother coming.
Sarah: That's unfair on your aunt.
Greg: Is it?
Thomas: Madam was particularly keen to limit it to family.
Greg: Really? I wonder why.
Thomas: She says it's to be her last murder weekend. She can't maintain the pace any more. Doctor's orders.
Greg: Well, I thought the old stick was indestructible. And who's going to get bumped off this time, Thomas?
Thomas: I have no idea, Sir.
Greg: Really, her plots have been getting thinner and thinner. Last time, I had the murder solved in the first half hour. I spent the rest of the weekend holding my tongue so as not to disappoint her.
Thomas: It's gratifying to see you so concerned for your aunt's feelings.
Greg: (Stung) Well you have to butter up the old battle-axe. With what she leaves me when she pops off, I'll be set up for life.
Sarah: Really Greg, this is too much.
Greg: Is it? I'm sick of hypocrites. I'm honest about what I'm here for. I couldn't say the same for a few others I could mention. (Meaningful look at Thomas)
Thomas: If that will be all, Sir, perhaps I can take your bags to your room. You're in the usual suite.
Sarah: Thank you, Thomas.
Thomas: (On his way out exit left) Oh, I nearly forgot. The welcome for guests is here at three thirty.
(Thomas exits)
Greg: (Looking at watch) It's just after three now. Perhaps you'd like to freshen up. Make a good impression on the old bat.
(Greg stands)
Sarah: Why do you have to be so painful?
Greg: Maybe it's the company I'm in.
Sarah: Should we ask for separate rooms, then?
Greg: I don't know why you insist on coming with me. A break from my company would do wonders for you.
Sarah: I'm your wife, for crying out loud.
Greg: And since you're here, make sure you behave like one. You know my aunt's views on marriage. I won't have you rocking the boat.
Sarah: (Drily) You'd prefer me to say nothing about the divorce then?
Greg: Not so loud, Damn you.
Sarah: Look, Greg, can't we talk about it?
Greg: Not here. It's the wrong place.
Sarah: (Stands) Then what's the right place?
Greg: There's nothing to talk about. We've been through it all, over and over.
Sarah: That doesn't mean anything's settled. I'm not agreeing to a divorce.
Greg. (Exasperated) I don't understand you. How can you live with a man who loves someone else?
Sarah: You're my husband. You can't just throw, away all those years. You used to be so different.
Greg: The only difference is that now I've seen the light.
(Pause)
Sarah: (Calmly) Who is she Greg? How do I know she even really exists?
Greg: Oh, she exists all right, and when you agree to a divorce, I’ll tell you, and I’ll even give you photographs to take to your lawyer. (Sarah reacts) But until you agree, I’ll tell you nothing. She's the one wild card in my hand, and I won't give that up.
Sarah: This isn't a game of cards we're playing, or one of your rather contrived mysteries....
Greg: (Interrupting) Now that's it, the core of our differences. But she's not like you. She supports me. You downgrade me. You'd shackle me to a clerk's job somewhere, and a lifetime of mediocrity.
Sarah: How easy for her to encourage you. She doesn't have to live with it. Please Greg, I don't want a lifetime of mediocrity, but there's got to be balance, some planning for the future, a family.
Greg: That's the beginning of the end as far as I'm concerned.
Sarah: That's not what you used to say.
Greg: That was before I met....
Sarah: I won't give you up, Greg. I'm warning you. You're my husband. I'm a desperate woman.
Greg: If you're threatening me, you're wasting my time. Just by attaching yourself to me like a ball and chain - you're already doing your worst.
Sarah. (Breaking down) My God, how can you say that? I'm your wife. No one will break us apart. Don't you know I love you? I can't live without you. (She is holding his arm in a pleading posture)
(Confusion on Greg's face. Janet enters, looks significantly at both of them. Greg turns away from Sarah.)
Janet: (After a pause) Lady Bayfield should be back in a few minutes - if you want to unpack or anything.
Greg: You go, Sarah, I couldn't face it.
Sarah: (As she exits left) The story of your life.
(Greg and Janet watch her exit, then fall into each other’s arms and embrace passionately.)
Greg: She's still making difficulties over the divorce.
Janet: Can't you force her?
Greg: How? She's the one with grounds for divorce, but she won't agree to it.
Janet: But you've got to make her.
Greg: I’ll leave her, just as soon as I can.
Janet: That's not good enough. She has to divorce you.
Greg: What does it matter if we have each other?
(Greg goes to embrace her, but she turns away)
Janet: But it's different for a woman. If we're not married, how can I be secure?
Greg: You mean I might leave you in the lurch? Don't even think of it. I love you.
Janet: I have to. Maybe you said that to her once.
Greg: (Turning his back and walking away) I'll get a divorce. I will. Somehow I’ll talk her round. I've got to. If only my aunt wasn't complicating things. If she got a sniff of divorce, she'd be liable to cut me out of the Will. How is the old cow? Thomas says her heart's playing up.
Janet: She saw the doctor the other day. She seems to think her days are numbered. Although you never know whether she's playing it all up for sympathy.
Greg: Well I wish she'd hurry up.
Janet: (Pause) She's changed her Will.
Greg: (Concerned) Oh? How do you know?
Janet: I witnessed it, since I'm not a beneficiary. Seven years working for her! I think she wanted to rub it in.
Greg: And what does it say?
Janet: She's taken a shine to your wife. Says she's the only thing keeping you on the straight and narrow.
Greg: The straight and narrow? The treadmill.
Janet: So you're still the main beneficiary, along with her sister, but she's written your wife's name in with yours.
Greg: What?
Janet: You heard me. It all goes to you in your joint names.
Greg: Good God, couldn't you talk her out of it?
Janet: I've no influence with her at present. Believe me, if I could have, I would.
Greg: Well can't you work on her? This is the third time she's rewritten the Will this year.
Janet: And that's not all. Thomas is back in the good books again. She cut him out entirely in the last. Now she's setting a nice little retirement nest egg on him.
Greg: My God, she just loves dangling us all on a string. Sort of a lottery when you think about it.
Janet: What do you mean?
Greg: Bad heart, an old lady - few weeks left, or months at best - hoping the old dear'll kick off when you’re in favour. Maybe you should have put something in her coffee while the old Will was still in force
Janet: Don't even think like that!
Greg: I suppose the new Will is official now?
Janet: Yes. Thomas posted the original to the solicitors Wednesday. What are you getting at?
Greg: Nothing. Just a thought. An overdose of her heart pills - fatal heart attack, no surprise, completely undetectable. But we've missed our chance now.
Janet: That's murder you're talking about. You shouldn't let anyone hear you talking that way.
Greg: I'm always talking that way. Remember, it's my trade, writing murder plots. Why so squeamish suddenly? You usually like to play 'what ifs'.
Janet: Just a feeling. It's too near the truth.
Greg: Well I see no harm in it. It's had me intrigued recently - the problem of poisoning. How do you poison someone without it being detected. Simple - an overdose of a drug the victim is already taking. Don't believe the forensics - their science is too imprecise to detect the difference between a fatal and a normal dose. All they can tell is if the drug is there in the first place.
Janet: Well I think it's horrible.
Greg: Tell you what, though. I'd keep an eye on Thomas, or the Buckleys for that matter.
Janet: What do you mean?
Greg: Come on, you're not concentrating. If you were setting up a murder mystery, who has the best motive for bumping off the old bird?
Janet: You tell me.
Greg: Whoever's favoured by the latest Will. This week, Thomas and the Buckleys are in favour. I'm out. So are you. They're favoured by the Will. There's a lot of money involved you know. Maybe next week they'll be out of favour. She's going to die soon anyway - she's a sick old lady. So what about a little help along the way? A month or two difference either way isn't going to worry anyone over much. When you think about it, you'd hardly even call it murder, just a kind of assisted euthanasia.
Janet: Sometimes I think you're a madman.
Greg: Now you're sounding like my wife.
Janet: That's hitting low.
Greg: (Pause) I wouldn’t call it madness, just a little creative thinking. There's more than one way to murder someone.
(He sneaks up behind Janet, closes his hands-round her neck. She reacts with pleasure. The Buckleys enter left from upstairs. Janet and Greg quickly separate.)
Ted: Not interrupting anything are we?
Greg: Hello Aunt Agnes. (Going to shake hands with him) Ted, how are you?
Ted: Well.
Greg: Just on my way up to my room. Have to be back here by half past apparently. Only gives me a minute or so. See you shortly.
(Greg exits left)
Ted: In a hit of a hurry, eh! Well what's the old duck got lined up for us? Bit of a surprise, I hear.
Janet: Apparently. I'm in the dark myself. Excuse me. I have some things I have to do.
(Exits right)
Ted: Well everyone's in a roaring hurry.
(Agnes goes to sideboard at the back and pours herself a drink. She brings the glass and the bottle to centre stage and puts the bottle on the table.)
Ted: Steady on Agnes, we've only just got here.
Agnes: Will you have one?
Ted: Should wait till we're asked, don't you think? (As she empties her glass) Now come on, take it easy.
Agnes: Afraid I’ll show you up?
Ted: Yes, to be frank. We have to make a good impression on her.
Agnes. Afraid she'll cut us from her Will?
Ted: If she hasn't already.
Agnes: Drunk or sober, I'm still her sister.
Ted: Yes, but drunk you start shooting your mouth off.
Agnes: Anyway, I'm not particularly interested in her money.
Ted: Well I am.
Agnes: I thought you liked her.
Ted: But I do, in my way. But you know, its funny how when there's money involved, it cuts in on everything. Nothing is clean anymore. Friendship, family, they all take second place.
Agnes: Well you should know.
Ted: Just exactly what do you mean?
Agnes: Do I have to spell it out? The reason for your early retirement from the police force. My weakness for this? (She pours herself another drink)
Ted: Don't blame that on me.
Agnes: Why not? Everything else went sour when they drummed you out of your job.
Ted: Don't harp on about it. Do you want to ruin me here too? I wasn't drummed out anyway - I agreed to retire. No blot. No stain.
Agnes: That's not the way it felt at the time.
Ted: Your memory is too long.
Agnes: Too long! How long since the decisive moment in your life? Two lives. One before and one after. Shunned by all our friends. Gossiped about. Stared at. Do you wonder that I took to the bottle?
Ted: It was just a little sideline. A Hobby.
Agnes: Do you call forgery a hobby?
Ted: Exposing fraud was my speciality. It fascinated me. I had to try my own hand at it. Quite lucrative it was too.
Agnes: Until they caught up with you.
Ted: (Excited by the Idea) That's true. But even there I felt a fascination to observe myself being cornered and trapped just as I'd homed in on embezzlers and swindlers before.
Agnes: A lifetime of crime. Sometimes I think it makes no difference which side of the law you're on. It's all the same profession.
Ted: There's some truth in that although to be honest, I never really saw those types as criminals. Not in the same way as murderers and house breakers. To me, they were really shrewd operators, seeing an opportunity and exploiting it.
Agnes: At the expense of some innocent.
Ted: Gullible people deserve to be taken.
Agnes: It's easy to see you've repented.
Ted: My only regret is I got caught, and it cost me my pension. Which is why we've got to butter up the old lady.
Agnes: My sister.
Ted: Sister or no sister, there's a lot of money at stake, enough to set us up for the rest of our lives.
Agnes: I've told you I'm not interested in her money.
Ted: But you'll take it when it's willed to you. (Pause) I must say I'm tempted to try my hand at a little Will writing myself.
Agnes: You can't be serious.
Ted: Keep my hand in you know.
(Door bell rings. Agnes drinks the rest of her glass and takes it to the sideboard. She gives it a quick wipe with her clothes before replacing it on the sideboard. Thomas enters from the right as she is doing this. He glances at her, then exits left to front door.)
Ted: (As Thomas crosses) Best behaviour Agnes, remember.
(Agnes goes to settee and sits. Thomas leads in Lady B. and Agatha.).
Lady B: I can't tell you how glad I was when you said you'd come and address our little group of murder enthusiasts. But this weekend is going to be our last meeting, so I've restricted it to the inner circle -my own family, to be precise - the only relations I have who've remained faithful to me. Thomas, will you tell everyone that our guest is here?
(Thomas exits left, collecting on his way Agnes' empty glass from the sideboard)
Living alone in a big house like this, with only Janet and Thomas - he's such a comfort to me. He's the salt of the earth. We've had our little differences, but I couldn't get by without him. This is my sister Agnes, and her husband, Ted Buckley. I won't introduce you properly until the others are here. I don't want to spoil the surprise. Have you recognised my guest, Ted? (Lady B. sits next to Agnes)
Ted: No I haven't.
Lady B: Agnes doesn't share our enthusiasm for murder, so she comes here on sufferance. But Ted used to be a detective.
Agatha: Oh really? Where was that?
Ted: In London, although murder wasn't my line. Fraud squad you know. Fraud was my passion. But I enjoy these little murder weekends - a chance to hone up the deductive skills now I'm retired. Got to keep the old grey matter active.
(Janet enters from right with a jug of water which she puts on the sideboard).
Janet: Thomas told me you were back. (Turning to Agatha) How do you do? (Shakes her hand)
Agatha: How do you do? You must be Janet. Lady Bayfield was just telling me what a comfort you are to her.
Lady B: Not her, Thomas!
(Janet gives her an icy look. Greg and Sarah enter from left with Thomas)
Lady B: Ah, and now we're all here - the old faithfuls. They're all I've got, so they're especially important for an old lady on her last legs.
Ted: Oh come on, you've years in you yet.
Lady B: (To Agatha) This is my nephew, Greg Hodges, and his wife, Sarah. Greg is a writer of crime mysteries. You see, it runs in the family. Unpublished, so far, unfortunately. Publishers can be so myopic.
Agatha: It's very hard for new writers to break in.
Lady B: Now you're anticipating. Before you give the game away, I'll introduce our guest. She can't stay the whole weekend, so make the most of her. Her face might not be recognisable to people generally, but believe me, her name and work is a household word.
Agnes: Oh get on with it Thelma.
Ted: Now Agnes, don't spoil the surprise.
Lady B: Without further ado, let me introduce you to Agatha Christie.
(Stir amongst guests)
Agatha: Lady Bayfield has told me all about you, so I feel I know you already. I shall enjoy exchanging ideas with you on our common hobby.
Lady B: Now we’ve got a real expert here, we can find out the answers to some of the problems that have been worrying us.
Agatha: Now, now, I'm not a real expert. I'm a writer of fiction. That's very different. If you want expert advice, you should ask Mr. Buckley here.
Ted: You're too kind.
Lady B: All the same, I'll get the ball rolling. Which in more important, observation or motive in solving murders?
(Thomas begins pouring drinks at the sideboard)
Agatha: Perhaps you need both. What do you think, Mr. Buckley?
Ted: Oh I agree. But sometimes you can have a crime committed, just for the pure joy of bamboozling everyone.
Greg: In which case, that becomes the motive. For me, motive is everything. It's the psychology of murder that fascinates me. Human nature, jealousy, rage, all of those things.
Agatha: I agree with you entirely. But it's the clues that make the game interesting, don't you think?
Greg: Of course it is. And that's where observation comes into it. Now I've been noticing Thomas busy pouring drinks. Watch closely. I've a hunch that this is where our weekend starts.
Lady B: (Peeved) No risk with mine. It's only water. Could I have it, Thomas? (Thomas brings a glass of water over to her) Now Janet, I think it's time for my little tablet. The ticker has been having quite a workout.
(Janet takes a tablet out of a full bottle in her pocket and breaks it in two)
Janet: Here you are. Just half for now.
Thomas: (returning to sideboard) Lady Bayfield, I'm puzzling over something about those pills.
Lady B: (Taking the pill and drinking) Oh?
Thomas: Last night there was a bottle of your heart pills by your bedside, and I'm sure there were a few left. But when I was in there this afternoon, it wasn't there. And now Janet produces a full bottle. It bothered me because I was trying to find your bottle of pills.
Lady B: Oh rubbish. It was empty, so I threw it away and sent Janet up to the doctor's for a new prescription this morning. Didn't I?
Janet: Yes. So what?
Greg: (Going up to lady B) Ah, I sense a crime in the making here. But let's just shake things up a bit. Could the water be drugged? (He takes the class from Lady B and drinks)
Lady B.: I suppose you think you're clever.
Greg: (smugly) Now if you drop dead and I don't, that rules out the water. But let's be thorough. What about that suspicious pill bottle. Janet, let me have the other half.
Janet: Don't be a fool.
(Greg seizes her hand and opens it. He takes the half pill and puts it on his tongue. He takes another sip of water and makes a show of swallowing it.)
Lady B: It won't do your heart any good. It perks up a flagging heart. I don't know what it does to a healthy one. Really Greg, you're such a show off. We have Agatha Christie here as a guest, so you couldn't resist trying to impress her. You thought you could mess up the little mystery I've got planned. All you've done is make a complete fool of yourself. You're looking in quite the wrong direction. So there. Now Thomas, I'm really beginning to feel a little tired. It must be the drive to the station and back. A little siesta is what I need. It all makes me so weary. I'd like to lie down and go to sleep, and never wake up. It's the old ticker, you know - it makes life such a burden. (Pause) What do you think of voluntary euthanasia, Agatha?
Agatha: Well I don't know, but it would have to be voluntary.
Lady B: Of course it would have to be voluntary. As I always say, where there's a will there's a way. Now take me up to my room, Thomas. (She exits left with Thomas)
Greg: Where there's a will there's a way. I think I smell a rat. I'd lay odds on her being this weekend's murder. (Yawning) I'm a bit tired myself. I could use a siesta too, if you'll excuse me. (As he exits) Maybe there was something in that water after all. (Exits left)
Ted: I think he might be on to something. Mrs. Christie, this is usually when the game starts. One person drops dead. Someone else has been primed up and all that - and it's our job for the rest of the weekend to catch him out.
Janet: And hope he doesn't strike again.
Agatha: If a second person dies, it doesn't leave too many suspects.
Janet: Usually we have a bigger crowd. This time she's cut it right down to family and staff.
Agnes: All beneficiaries of a Will.
Agatha: Ah, I see. The plot thickens.
Agnes: No, I mean a real Will.
Sarah: If you'll excuse me, I'm really finding the atmosphere rather stifling. I think I’ll take a walk before dinner. (Exits left)
Agatha: Another possible victim?
Janet: Unlikely. She keeps aloof from these games as much as she can.
Ted: Despite that, Lady Bayfield seems to have a lot of time for her. I'd like to know her secret.
Janet: Perhaps because she doesn't crawl to her.
Ted: If she appreciates bluntness, I don't know why she can't stand you.
Janet: Neither do I.
Ted: Perhaps she's a good judge of character.
Agatha: (Intervening) Well what happens now?
Agnes: (Going to sideboard for a drink) We wait for a murder. Greg, Thomas and Thelma are out of the room, so it's probably one of them. She likes to have the victim discovered.
Agatha: You seem to know the drill rather well.
Ted: Her plots have been getting a little tired recently. Greg was right, Lady Bayfield is the likely victim - she usually is. But I hope he's wrong - make it more interesting.
Agatha: And how do we know when it's happened?
Agnes: Well last time we were having pre-dinner drinks when Thomas entered in a state of distress and announced that he'd found the Mistress dead in her room.
Agatha: Not wanting to be macabre, but how do you know he's not telling the truth?
Janet: In real life, he never calls her the Mistress, and he shamelessly overacts. It's usually Thomas who discovers the body.
(Thomas bursts in left, shamelessly overacting)
Thomas: Oh my God, Oh my God, the Mistress, she's karked it. I'd just got her up to her room. I'd helped her onto bed. She asked me to get her a glass of water - her throat was parched she said. There was a glass of water at her bedside. I gave it to her. She took a sip, suddenly clutched her throat, and karked it in front of me. Oh, it's horrible, horrible, horrible.
(Ted, Agnes and Janet burst into applause)
Ted: Well done Thomas, you've excelled yourself.
Agnes: It's such a shock, it calls for a drink. (She goes to sideboard for a refill)
Ted: Well, this looks like an easy one. Rule out Sarah, then the only people out of the room when it happened were Thomas and Greg. It's got to be one of them.
Janet: Not so fast. The water on the bedside was already there. Any one of us could have done that.
Agatha: Except for me.
Ted: Well where does that leave us?
Agnes: Nowhere.
Ted: Well hang on, let's bring in some of the old detective skills.
Agnes: Murder wasn't your line. Forgery....
Ted: (Interrupting) Let's be systematic. What's the first thing we look for?
Agnes: Clues.
Ted: (Glares at Agnes) Motive. Let's look at motive.
Janet: There's the new will.
Ted: (Suddenly alert) Is this real, or part of the game?
Janet: (Casually) What difference does it make? You know how she mixes the two.
Ted: (More urgently) But has she really made a new Will?
Janet: Yes.
Ted: And?
Janet: And what?
Ted: Well what does it say?
Janet: You'll find out soon enough.
Ted: You know?
Janet: Yes I know, but it's confidential.
Ted: There's no harm in telling me.
Janet: No reason to either.
Ted: There's more than one way to find out.
Agnes: What's that? You shouldn't be asking about it. It isn't decent.
Ted: You're a fine one to talk about decency.
Agnes: What's that supposed to mean?
Ted: (Going to her) I think you've had too much of that.
Agnes: On the contrary. Listening to you, I don’t think I've had enough. (She takes another sip from her glass)
Ted: I said, too much. (Clumsily taking it away from her and spilling it on himself) Damn, look what you've done. Now I'll have to change. (To the others) Excuse me. (Exits left, hurriedly)
Agnes: (Upset) I'm sorry. (Rushes out, left)
Thomas: (To Agatha) You'll have to excuse them, Madam.
Janet: You never know on these weekends whether little tantrums are real or staged.
Thomas: That was real. At least on her part I think it was. It's quite distressing.
Agatha: What do you mean?
Thomas: These weekends. It's all gone on too long. The same people. The same plots. We're getting bored, waiting for something, no longer surprised by anything.
Agatha: This In her last, she said.
Thomas: She's always saying that.
Agatha: Maybe you all need to give it a break for a while.
Thomas: It's more than that. Her guests come along, they flatter her, butter her up, then behind her back they're cynical and rude. But now the boredom sets in. We've nothing left but our real feelings, and these are starting to come out all the time. Then there's this Will, making it all much worse. She should keep it to herself, instead of all these public changes.
Agatha: Well why is she doing it?
Thomas: It's part of her game. It creeps into all her plots. It's like she's constantly asking, who loves me the most?
Agatha: She's a sick old lady.
Thomas: Which really sharpens the edge. She won't live long. Her doctor told her that, and she's made sure we all know. She's testing us, probing, pushing, looking for our breaking paint. Well it's there. Everyone has a breaking point. Nerves are raw. I have a feeling something is about to happen.
Agatha: (To Janet) Do you know what he means?
Janet: Not really. I think everyone's just a bit impatient for her to die, that's all.
Agatha: That's all! Perhaps I've written too many mysteries - I'm too attuned to atmosphere. I was invited here not knowing any of you, and it all seemed a nice bit of fun. An innocent game of murder, I thought. But all this playing with people's feelings and greed, I don't like it.
Thomas: I'm very sorry, Madam.
Agatha: However, I can only make the best of it. Lady Bayfield promised to show me her rather splendid house, and I was particularly interested to see her library.
Thomas: A superb crime collection, fact and fiction.
Agatha: However, as she now appears to be... indisposed...
Thomas: That's all right, Mrs. Christie. Lady Bayfield expressly advised me that - er - if anything should happen to her, I was to conduct you on a grand tour. I would be pleased to show you now.
Agatha: Would there be any objection to me poking around on my own? I love to explore old places like this. Then an opportunity to spend some time on my own with famous crime writers in her library - that's my idea of a good time.
Thomas: Certainly Madam. If you head up that corridor (pointing to exit left) you pass a kitchen entrance on the left opposite the stairs. After that is the door to the library on the right.
Agatha: Yes, yes, I’ll find my way. (goes over to exit left, then stops) How was lady Bayfield when you left her? I mean, with her heart.
Janet: You mean apart from being dead?
Thomas: Fine, but rather tired.
Agatha: Hmm. Perhaps I’ll drop in on her. Well, if you'll excuse me. (Exits left)
Thomas: What do you suppose she was getting at?
Janet: Like she said, she's written too many murder stories. She wants to check that the old lady isn't really dead.
Thomas: Wash your mouth out. People have been getting too fond of that kind of joke lately.
Janet: You're both too jumpy.
Thomas: (Pause) What was the letter Lady Bayfield gave you yesterday?
Janet: (Startled) What?
Thomas: The letter.
Janet. What do you mean?
Thomas: You were in the hallway outside Madam's room. I happened to be in the next bedroom, arranging it for the Hodges.
Janet: (Turning away) It was nothing.
Thomas: How do you know? She said not to open it until Sunday evening.
Janet: You have good ears for an old man. Well I opened it.
Thomas: But that was against her direct orders.
Janet: So? I gave up listening to her months ago.
Thomas: Well what did it say?
Janet: What's it to you?
Thomas: I went to understand her state of mind.
Janet: I never felt there was much to understand.
Thomas: That's where you're wrong. What was in the letter?
Janet: It's none of your business.
Thomas: Are you sure? Are you hiding something?
Janet: All right. It was a letter of dismissal. I've been sacked.
Thomas: Sacked! What reason did she give?
Janet: She said we were incompatible. I'm inclined to agree with her.
Thomas: You're not upset then?
Janet: Quite the opposite. I've been contemplating resigning for some time now. (After thought) There was fifty pounds severance. If I'd resigned, there wouldn't be a penny, and I'd have no hope of a reference. Actually, I thought it was quite sporting of her after all our arguments.
Thomas: I'm glad to see you take it that way. But why did she tell you not to open it until Sunday?
Janet: (Pausing to think) She thought it might spoil the weekend. You know, if I was disgruntled.
Thomas: I couldn't hear much that she was saying, but I distinctly caught the words, 'Trip to Paris'. Was she talking about herself or you?
Janet: (over hastily) Oh that. She was talking about herself and her health. She thought a trip to Paris might brighten her up.
Thomas: Funny she didn't say anything to me. But this sacking business. How does it all leave you with your boyfriend?
Janet: (Startled) What?
Thomas: Come on. I know I'm old, but do you think I'm blind?
Janet: What's he got to do with it?
Thomas: You said you'd thought of resigning. Why didn't you before?
Janet: You seem to know all the answers. You tell me.
Thomas: No more of these weekends. Mrs. Hodges doesn't always accompany her husband.
Janet: I think you're too clever by half. You want to be careful.
Thomas: Is that some kind of threat?
Janet: It's whatever you want it to be.
(Ted enters quickly from left)
Ted: Oh pardon me. I wasn't expecting you.
Janet: Oh?
Thomas: I think we have some work to do, setting up for dinner.
Janet: I'm not the maid.
Thomas: Two days: Just bend a little.
(Thomas goes out to kitchen, right. Janet shrugs and follows.Ted takes Will out of his jacket and sits on settee. He reads Will somewhat frantically, then takes it to the bookcase, and puts it in a large book. He looks at the book title)
Ted: The Fatal Alibi. Most appropriate.
(He puts the book back in the bookcase. Agnes enters from left in a frantic state.)
Agnes: What have you done with it?
Ted: With what?
(She looks at him, goes to sideboard and pours a drink which she downs in one to steady herself.)
Agnes: The Will, Ted. I know.
Ted: What Will? What do you know?
Agnes: Everything. For Godsake, you've got to put it back.
Ted: Calm yourself. Just keep calm.
Agnes: I've seen it.
Ted: What?
Agnes: The Will - the forgery you left on her desk.
Ted: You fool. You'll spoil everything.
Agnes: I don't care. I've got to call a halt to it. (Agnes pours herself another drink)
Ted: Steady on. You've drunk too much.
Agnes: I could drink a whole bottle and be steady as a rock, the way I feel now. My blood's running cold.
(Bell call rings)
Agnes: My God, what was that?
Ted: It's the bell call for Thomas, that's all.
Agnes. Where from?
Ted: Lady Bayfield's room of course. Where else?
Agnes: How can you be so calm?
Ted: It's never taken you like this before.
Agnes: I know everything, Ted, God knows, I wish I didn't. I know everything.
(She goes to sideboard to pour another glass. Ted intercepts her. They wrestle over the bottle. Ted strikes her across the face. She goes to an armchair and collapses. He stands and watches in bewilderment. Then he turns and pours himself a drink which he downs in one. Agatha enters from left.)
Ted: Pull yourself together woman.
(Agnes recovers herself with an effort. As Agatha enters, Agatha is much more intense than before.)
Agatha: Where is everybody?
Ted: I don't know.
Agatha: Where have you two been?
Agnes: Nowhere. We've been together.
(Ted stares at Agnes)
Agatha: Here?
Agnes: Yes, then we were in our room together. We came down here for some company.
(Ted shrugs, then goes and gets another drink)
Ted: A drink Mrs. Christie?
Agatha: No thank you.
(Sarah enters from left)
Sarah: It's like a ghost house at the moment. Where is everybody? Do you know when dinner is?
Ted: No idea. Not the usual organisation about the place.
Agatha: Where's your husband?
Sarah: Still sleeping - ever so soundly... like a baby, blanket pulled up to his chin, so peaceful.
Agatha: Your door was shut when I passed. So you were with him?
Sarah: Of course. Have you seen Thomas?
Agatha: Just a moment ago. He'll be here presently. Sarah, will you do me a favour? Could you ask Janet to come here - I think she's in the kitchen - and then return with her. I have something important to tell everyone.
Sarah: Certainly. (Exits right)
Ted: Well, this is intriguing. Have you solved the murder already?
Agatha: I'm afraid it's no longer as simple as that.
Agnes: Oh my God.
Ted: But what about Greg? Hadn't he better be called?
Agatha: Let him sleep a little longer.
Ted: Very well.
Agatha: I went up to see Lady Bayfield a short while ago.
Ted: Oh yes?
Agatha: (To Agnes) You'd - just been in to see her, hadn't you?
Agnes: I was only in there a moment.
Agatha: Yes, I saw you leaving. Perhaps you heard me coming. I was wondering why you went to see her.
Agnes: I... I was checking for clues.
Agatha: Oh, and how was the old lady?
Agnes: I didn't check. She was asleep. I didn't want to disturb her.
Agatha: Did you notice something burning in the fireplace?
Agnes: (Faltering) In the fireplace...
Ted: What?
Agatha: I'm surprised you didn't. It was a document. I just managed to save enough to identify what it was.
Ted: (To Agnes) You damn fool.
(Enter Janet and Sarah from kitchen, right)
Agatha: Ah, perhaps you'd all better sit down and make yourselves comfortable. I have something to tell you. You know, this preoccupation I have with imaginary mystery stories - of course I share it with lady Bayfield and those of you who like to play her game - this preoccupation is a strange thing. Sometimes it becomes hard to separate the imaginary from the real. Sometimes I get hunches - intuition you might call it - an overdeveloped imagination perhaps. But I checked out a hunch, and I've already started on the trail of trying to separate fact from fantasy. I went to Lady Bayfield's room. And I believe that corridor has been a busy thoroughfare this afternoon. I made a discovery.
(Knock at the door. Janet exits left to answer front door)
Agatha: Ah, I was expecting that. For some of you, another blending of fact and fantasy.
(Janet and Inspector Rayner enter, left)
Agatha: Allow me to introduce you to Inspector Rayner of the Oxford C.I.D.
Rayner: Ah, Mrs. Christie. I came as quickly as I could after I got your call.
Agatha: Yes, I phoned from the extension in Lady Bayfield's room. There should also be a doctor on the way, although I think the situation is now beyond any doctor. Inspector Rayner happens to be a personal friend of mine, as well as a highly respected detective, specializing in cases of violent death. (Agnes reacts)
Rayner: I'm also known by another of your number. Ted, how are you.
Ted. Oh God.
Rayner: Now, where's the body?
Agatha: Please, inspector, a little more tactful. This fact is not yet known to everyone here.
Ted: What the Hell's going on?
Sarah: My God, where's Greg?
Agatha: I am sorry to tell you that Lady Bayfield is dead in her room, and at least one person in this house is guilty of foul play.
(Greg bursts in from left, dishevelled, horror on his face.)
Greg: She's dead, I've seen her. She's really dead.
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