O
JULIET,
JULIET
A
One Act Play
By Robert Challis
Published by Robert Challis at Smashwords. Copyright 1990 Robert Challis
If you are considering performing this play, for terms and conditions contact the author on robert.challis@bigpond.com.
Thank you for downloading this free ebook. Although this is a free book, it remains the copyrighted property of the author, and may not be reproduced, copied and distributed for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy at Smashwords.com, where they can also discover other works by this author. Thank you for your support.
O
JULIET, JULIET
A One-Act Play
One Evening
CHARACTERS:
BEN
A
youth of around 16, basically a nice lad. His acting of Shakespeare
needs to be good.
JILL
A
girl around 16. A rather coarse person, dressed accordingly. Her
Shakespeare is unfortunately also acted in her coarse character.
JASMINE
Also
a girl of around 16. Refined and bitchy. Her Shakespeare is
over-acted. More trendy dresser.
FERGUS
McALISTER
Director of the play. He is a man in
mid-thirties, with a very nervous, highly-strung personality.
JULIE
Apparently,
a very nice girl of around 16. Wears a nice dress, and acts her
Shakespeare parts very well.
BIKIE
Youth
around 18. Very rough-looking bikie.
The
Stage is bare.
Props required: One hip flask, three
copies of "Romeo and Juliet", a chair.
(Curtain rises on empty stage. Lights are fairly low, and rise very gradually during Ben's opening speech. Ben enters left, looks around him, then goes to front of stage, taking up a theatrical pose to imagined audience. Alternatively, as occurred in original performance, Ben enters through audience, mounts stage, opens curtain, switches on lights, then takes up position centre stage.)
BEN:
But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the
East, and Juliet is the sun!
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious
moon,
Who is already sick and pale with grief
That thou her
maid, art far more fair than she:
(Enter Jill, left. She stays at the back and watches ironically.)
Be
not her maid, since she is envious.
Her vestal livery is but sick
and green,
And none but fools do wear it; cast it off.
It is my
lady. 0, it is my love!
0 that she knew she were!
JILL: (Interrupting) Ben, does this mean you've dumped me?
BEN: (Jumping, but quickly recovering poise) Jill! As I was saying those words, I was thinking of you.
JILL: Don't get corny with me. You know I can't handle it.
BEN: All right then. Give us a kiss.
(He goes over to kiss her. Before he is able to, she grabs his ear and twists hard.)
Ow. You didn't need to do that.
JILL: Didn't I? You need putting in your place from time to time.
BEN: Listen Jill, what about a trip into the big city with me, say this Saturday night. We could go to Macdonald's, and then on to a disco.
JILL: Maybe. It depends if anything better turns up.
BEN: Thanks a lot.
JILL: I believe it's important to be honest in our relationship.
BEN: You could just give me a hint, you know. It's much better for the ego.
JILL: (Suddenly changing the subject) What are you doing here anyway? The Romeo auditions are tomorrow.
BEN: Uncle Fergus asked me to come and read for the Juliets tonight.
JILL: He's precast you as Romeo then. I knew blood would be thicker than talent.
BEN: (Looking sharply at her) No such luck. You don't know my Uncle. I'll have to be twice as good as the others to get the part.
JILL: Then you've got no hope.
BEN: Well I don't know. (Pause for thought) Now that's where you come in.
JILL: Eh?
BEN: If you get the role of Juliet...
JILL: Which I will.
BEN: Then refuse to act against any Romeo but me...
JILL: (Suspiciously) Why should I do that?
BEN: Because you're so fond of me.
JILL: Oh yeah?
BEN: And because I could make the other Juliets look bad during auditions.
JILL: (Slyly interested) And how could you do that?
BEN: Lots of ways - keeping them waiting for a line - throwing their concentration by an odd smart remark - winking at them at a crucial point - do you want me to go on?
JILL: Interesting...
BEN: And I can tell you how to handle my Uncle.
JILL: And how's that?
BEN: A couple of things about him. He's a great director - at least I've heard some people say that. But he's a bit ...er... highly strung. He's likely to fly off the handle at the slightest provocation.
JILL: So?
BEN: So don't upset him whatever you do. Just agree with him, and smile a lot. And another little warning - don't mention his hip flask.
JILL: (Shocked) His what?
BEN: Oh it's nothing like that. You see, he's got this ulcer, and whenever he feels stress - which is most of the time - he has a quick shot from his hip flask.
JILL: But that's got to be the worst thing for an ulcer.
BEN: No, but you see, it contains milk.
JILL: Milk!
BEN: That's what I said, milk. It's the only thing that settles his stomach. But he's very sensitive about it. So no baby jokes.
JILL: Well, I'm hardly likely to.
BEN: I know. You're famous for your tact. In the last play he directed, the leading man made a joke about it being laced with something.
JILL: And?
BEN: He called him every name under the sun, and dropped him one week before opening night.
JILL: You're joking!
BEN: So just do what he asks. And don't ruffle him. (Pause) So it's a deal then?
JILL: What?
BEN: (Exasperated) If you get the part, you insist on me as Romeo.
JILL: We'll see.
BEN: You mean, I do my part of the bargain, then when you get the role, you dump me.
JILL: We'll see.
(Enter Jasmine left.)
JASMINE: Oh pooh, he's not here yet.
JILL: Jasmine! Surely you're not trying for a part.
JASMINE: Oh, I thought I'd give it a go. It's nice to see you here. I'm sure there'll be something useful you'll be able to do backstage. General dogsbody sort of thing.
JILL: As a matter of fact...
JASMINE: (With mock horror) You don't mean you intend to audition?
JILL: And why not?
JASMINE: Shakespeare's a bit beyond you, don't you think?
JILL: I don't find Shakespeare difficult. Apparently you do.
JASMINE: Not at all. And Juliet! Really, Jill, that's just not you. If you insist on murdering Shakespeare, Lady Macbeth would be more in your line. Or perhaps one of the witches.
JILL: (Looking at Ben) What are you grinning at?
BEN: Oh, nothing. (Hastily) I'd just thought of a joke.
JASMINE: Perhaps you'd like to share it with us. Jill looks as if she could do with a laugh.
JILL: No worries there. I'll get a real belly laugh when you start to read your lines.
JASMINE: Oh, I won't need to read my lines. Do you mean you haven't bothered to learn yours?
JILL: I've had enough of this. I'm not staying to be insulted.
JASMINE: That's right, dear. Why not go home and be insulted there.
JILL: (Exiting left) Want a cup of coffee from the kitchen, Ben? (In a mock posh accent) I suppose herbal tea is more in your line, Jasmine. I'm afraid we don't have any out there.
JASMINE: Coffee will be fine. I like it hot, sweet and black.
JILL: Oh I remember. Just how you like your men.
(Exits)
JASMINE: Sour puss.
BEN: You're not wrong. But I'll tell you, she can act.
JASMINE: (Worried) Well, so can I.
BEN: You know the director is my Uncle.
JASMINE: I had heard that rumour.
BEN: Always tossing me five bucks. You could say I'm the apple of his eye.
JASMINE: Really?
BEN: He asked me here to read Romeo for the Juliets. Of course, pre-casting before the auditions is not strictly ethical, but...
JASMINE: But what?
BEN: Well, it's a foregone conclusion. He'll go through the motions, but he's as much as told me, I've got the part.
JASMINE: And Juliet? She hasn't been pre-cast has she?
BEN: No, that's an open competition. But I know he'll want a Juliet that works well with his Romeo.
JASMINE: No doubt.
BEN: Rapport, you know. I expect he'll ask me who I feel most comfortable with.
JASMINE: And what'll you tell him?
BEN: The truth, of course. The leading man and leading lady - important they get on well on a personal and social basis, wouldn't you think?
JASMINE: It goes without saying.
BEN: By the way, the new version of Romeo and Juliet is showing at the cinemas in town at the moment.
JASMINE: The one starring Kylie Minogue and Jason Donovan?
BEN: Yes, have you seen it?
JASMINE: No, but according to the reviews, it's something else.
BEN: Are you doing anything, say, this Saturday night?
JASMINE: Well, I don't know. If I don't get the part, I won't be feeling much like going out.
BEN: I'm sure you'll get the part. So what about it?
JASMINE: We'll wait and see.
BEN: (Thoughtfully) Yes ... Oh, and a word of advice.
You haven't met my Uncle, have you? He's a brilliant director - but extremely intense you know.
JASMINE: Oh, most great men are.
BEN: But it's more than that. He has a stomach ulcer.
JASMINE: Oh?
BEN: And he carries milk around with him to soothe it whenever it plays up.
JASMINE: (Laughing) Milk! Like a baby?
BEN: (Agitated) Sshhh. That's the worst thing you can do. He's very sensitive about it. Whatever you do, don't mention it. Pretend you've noticed nothing.
JASMINE: I get the message.
(Jill and director enter left, Jill holding the scripts.)
FERGUS: I'm quite capable of carrying the scripts myself, you know.
JILL: Nonsense. Now you just find yourself a nice chair, Mr. McAlister, and make yourself comfortable.
FERGUS: I'm not a baby, you know.
JILL: And I'll go and get you a nice cup of milk... I mean coffee.
FERGUS: (Reacting) I don't want a coffee. Now look, I've had a hard day...
JILL: Oh, you poor man.
FERGUS: I'm not a poor man at all. Now give me those scripts. (He snatches them from her) I'm the director here.
JASMINE: Where are our coffees?
JILL: All you can think of is your stomachs. You're real pains. (Director reacts)
JASMINE: (To Jill) Can't you take a hint? (Taking director by the arm) Now Mr. McAlister, it really is a privilege for me. I've admired your work for ages.
FERGUS: (Sarcastically) Oh yes? Which particular play did you admire the most?
JASMINE: I ...er... I
BEN: I think Chekhov's always been Jasmine's favourite.
JASMINE: Oh yes, Chekhov's ... (Looking at Ben for inspiration. Behind the director he starts flapping his arms) The..... Windmill ......The Birds
BEN: (Hissing) The Seagull.
JASMINE: The Seagull is 'it' as far as I'm concerned. The subtle nuances you put over ... I mean, it left me....
JILL: Witless?
JASMINE: Breathless.
FERGUS: (Sarcastically) Nice to see young people so taken with the classics. Anyway, enough of this. (Gives Ben a script) Let's start with the balcony scene. (Holding out a script) Who goes first?
JASMINE: (Sweetly) Me first. But I won't need a script. (Takes it) All I need is a quick glance to refresh my memory.
(Director goes to front right with a script. Opens it. Ben exits.)
FERGUS: I've marked a spot on page thirty-two. That's where you can start.
(Ben returns with a chair which he places in the middle of the stage. Jasmine gets up on it.)
FERGUS: And what do you think you're doing?
BEN: It's the balcony scene, isn't it? I thought she ought to be elevated.
FERCUS: (Turning away from actors towards audience, taking out his hip flask.) To himself: I don't think I can handle too much of this. (Drinks)
JASMINE: (Suddenly, and over-acting) 0 Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
FERGUS: Take it easy.
JASMINE: Pardon, Sir?
FERGUS: You're overdoing it.
JASMINE: But she's overcome with love.
FERGUS: I know, but you're still overdoing it.
(Jasmine uses the script in all her lines.)
JASMINE: (Glares for a moment, then resumes, still over-acting) Deny thy father and refuse thy name: Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet.
BEN: (Aside) Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?
(Director, in pain, again turns towards audience for another swig.)
JASMINE: 'Tis but thy name that is my enemy. Thou art thyself, though not a Montague. (Pronounced to rhyme with plague) What's Montague?
FERGUS: That's a good question.
JASMINE: Pardon, Sir?
FERGUS: Montague, young lady, Montague. That'll do for the moment. Now could you hand your script to the other young lady? Take it from there.
JILL: (Smiles at Jasmine as she takes the script and gets on to the chair. She reads her lines, in a broad accent) What's Montague? It is not hand nor foot Nor arm nor face, nor any other part Belonging to a man. 0 be some other name, What's in a name? That which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet.
FERGUS: (Under his breath, rubbing his stomach) I'm not feeling too well.
JILL: What did you say?
FERGUS: I said this is supposed to be Romeo and Juliet, not Dave and Mabel.
JILL: (Broadly) Eh?
FERGUS: That'll do for now. We'll try something a bit less demanding.
(Julie enters, left.)
JULIE: Is this where they're having the Juliet auditions?
FERGUS: It is, as a matter of fact. (Looking at his watch)
JULIE: You must be Mr. McAlister then. My name's Julie. I'm so sorry I'm late.
FERGUS: If you get a part in this play, it won't be any good if you're late for rehearsals.
JULIE: (Contrite) I know. It won't happen again. I'll organise another time to see Mrs. Partridge.
FERGUS: Mrs. Who?
JULIE: (Eagerly) You see, I've just been visiting Mrs. Partridge. She's a pensioner and she lives on her own. I visit her three times a week after finishing my homework. I would have been on time, but her arthritis in her fingers was playing up. I couldn't leave her while she was still crying. So I was rubbing liniment into them to try to ease her pain and free them up.
(The other three exchange glances.)
FERGUS: I see. Well, in the circumstances you can be forgiven.
JASMINE: It's terribly inconsiderate. A man of Mr. McAlister's ability shouldn't be kept waiting. You should have organised your visit for another time.
JULIE: (Apologetically) I know. I really feel absolutely terrible about it. It won't happen again. I'll change the time of my visits.
JILL: It's just plain rude, if you ask me.
FERGUS: Think nothing of it. It's very commendable to find a young person prepared to put herself out for our senior citizens. As it happens, your arrival is quite timely. If the other young lady can hand you a script, I'll get you to read from the line on page thirty-five.
JULIE: (Turning to the page) Will it be all right if I read? I really don't know the play very well.
FERGUS: Of course. Ben'll read Romeo for you.
JULIE: (She pushes the chair out of the way, smiles at Ben, glances at the page, then does all the lines from memory) Hist! Romeo, hist! 0 for a falconer's voice To lure this tassel-gentle back again! Bondage is hoarse and may not speak aloud, Else would I fear the cave where Echo lies And make her airy tongue more hoarse than mine With repetition of "My Romeo!"
FERGUS: You know it by heart?
JULIE: Not really, it's just that by an amazing coincidence, I just happened to have been looking at this section before coming here.
JASMINE: While you were massaging Mrs. Partridge's hand.
FERGUS: I'm impressed. Carry on.
BEN: (Warming to it) It is my soul that calls upon my name: How silver sweet sound....
FERGUS: Yes, yes, I think we can skip this bit.
BEN: But what about the continuity?
FERGUS: On to Juliet's next bit, 'Tis almost morning.
JULIE: (Without a glance at script) 'Tis almost morning; I would have thee gone.
(Director rubs stomach, turns away from actors and takes a drink from hip flask. It is empty. He shakes it.)
And yet no further than a wanton's bird. What's a wanton, Mr. McAlister?
(Jill and Jasmine guffaw.)
FERGUS: I suppose you could call her a very sociable young lady.
JULIE: Thank you. Who lets it hop a little from her hand Like a poor prisoner in his twisted gyves, And with a silken thread plucks it back again, So loving jealous of his liberty.
BEN: I would I were thy bird.
JULIE: Sweet, so would I. Yet I would kill thee with much cherishing. Good night, Good night: Parting is such sweet sorrow That I shall say good night till it be morrow. (Pauses for effect, closes book, then steps away)
FERGUS: (Clapping) Bravo, bravo.
JASMINE: Nauseating.
BEN: Sleep dwell upon thine eyes. Peace is me....
FERGUS: That'll be all right, Ben.
BEN: I thought I'd better finish off the scene.
FERGUS: We're auditioning Juliet, not Romeo.
BEN: But don't you want to hear...
FERGUS: Not particularly. Now, I've had a pretty hard day, and I'm parched. I'll take a short break for a coffee. (Casually) Is there some milk out the back?
JILL: (Moving) Yes, I'll make it for you.
FERGUS: (Sharply) No! I mean, I'd like you all to look at the Juliet death scene. With one exception (looking at Julie) a bit of familiarity with the lines might do wonders for your acting. (Exits, left)
JILL: (Rounding on Julie instantly) You pathetic little show-off.
JULIE: (Apologetically) I was just lucky he happened to choose those lines.
JASMINE: (Mimicking) Is it all right if I read the lines, I don't know the play very well.
JILL: I'll bet you did it as a school production or something.
JULIE: No, really, I...
JASMINE: What's a wanton, Mr. McAlister?
JILL: What school do you go to anyway? Some posh college I expect.
JULIE: Well, as a matter of fact, I do...
JILL: Just as I thought. Stuck up little tart.
JULIE: (As if about to cry) I'm sorry... I'm really sorry.
BEN: (Winking at the others) Leave off. If you ask me, you two are just plain jealous. You're a very talented actress, Julie. You must have done a lot of acting.
JULIE: Oh, only amateur and school things. This is my first serious audition. I'm not much good really.
BEN: Oh, you are. I've been to a lot of Uncle Fergus's auditions. You're a natural. And my Uncle likes you. You're just about a certainty for the part.
JULIE: Oh, I'm sure I'm not.
BEN: So I thought I'd better just warn you in advance.
JULIE: Warn me! What about?
BEN: My Uncle's little problem.
JULIE: Little problem?
BEN: We really like to keep it in the family, but you're obviously a nice girl, so I thought it only fair.
JULIE: What little problem?
BEN: It's the drinking. It's not really to excess - not most of the time anyway. In fact, most days he hardly touches the stuff ... before lunch.
(Jill and Jasmine, behind Julie, suppressing laughter.)
JULIE: Drinking! Do you mean he’s....?
BEN: Yes, he's ... he's ... an alcoholic.
JULIE: Oh, dear God.
BEN: And I thought I'd better let you know before you accept the part.
JULIE: I'd never have guessed.
BEN: No, well you see, you wouldn't. They, I mean alcoholics, are very cunning at hiding their little vice. You can't believe a word he says. I mean, just now he said he was going out for a coffee.
JULIE: Well, where has he gone?
BEN: Out to his car for a couple of shots, and to top up his hip flask.
JULIE: (Apparently shocked) Hip flask!
BEN: You watch him. Every so often he turns his back on you for a quick gargle.
JULIE: Oh dear, the poor, poor man.
BEN: Yes, that's what most people think - until they witness his towering rages.
JULIE: Rages...
BEN: He gets uncontrollable. Dangerous, actually. I hope you're quick on your feet.
JULIE: Why?
BEN: The leading lady in his last play had seventeen stitches above her eye because she was a bit slow on her feet. She didn't see the ash-tray coming.
JULIE: Ash-tray...
BEN: Yes, he throws things - anything close to hand - whenever something on stage annoys him. And when he's drunk, just about everything annoys him.
JULIE: I had no idea.
BEN: And then there's all the ranting and screaming. Foul obscenities, blasphemy. You have to be thick-skinned, I can tell you. So that's why you'd be much better off if...
JULIE: But that's where you're wrong. Everything you've said just makes me more determined to get into this play.
BEN: What?
JULIE: I can help him. I know I can. He just needs sympathy and understanding.
BEN: But the violent rages....
JULIE: I won't let him touch the bottle. I'll stick to him like glue so he doesn't get a chance. You're a bad nephew, you are.
BEN: Eh?
JULIE: Just letting him go outside like that when you knew he was going to be drinking. The poor man. Ruining himself, and no one to lift a finger to help. Don't you know that alcoholism is just a cry for help? I must go to him. (Exits, left)
BEN: Not quite what I was expecting, but it'll cook her goose anyway. He just can't stand people fussing over him. And if she so much as mentions the hip flask....
JILL: Then I'll be a certainty for the part.
JASMINE: You! This part does require some acting ability.
JILL: Of course, and since you have none...
JASMINE: Oh, doesn't she have big ideas of herself.
JILL: Coming from you, that's rich.
BEN: Before you scratch each other's eyes out, remember, we have to play this carefully. If she lets on that I said he's an alcoholic before he boots her out of the theatre....
JILL: That's your worry.
BEN: Thanks a lot, but it's yours too.
JASMINE: Why?
BEN: Because then she gets the role, that's why, stupid. So if she says anything, it's in both your interests to back me up. Understood?
(The girls look at each other. Enter director and Julie, left.)
JULIE: (To bemused director) And my Grandfather spent so much of his money on alcohol, that my poor Grandmother couldn't feed her children properly.
FERGUS: This is all very interesting, but what's...
JULIE: And he'd come home in these terrible rages, and terrify Mum and my uncles. But you know what was so sad about it?
FERGUS: No, I don't, and I don't care. Now...
JULIE: He was really a very nice man deep down. It was the drink that ruined him.
(Julie follows director to front stage right.)
FERGUS: Yes, I expect it was very tragic. But I'd really like to get on with these auditions so I don't keep you here all night. We'll do the death scene now. I'll do the Friar Laurence part. Ben, this bit should suit your acting talents perfectly.
BEN: Excellent. Where do I stand?
FERGUS: You don't stand - you lie down over there - you've been dead for the past half hour.
BEN: Uncle Fergus...
FERGUS: Over there, post haste. Now, Juliet...
JILL: (Jumping- forward) Me this time.
FERGUS: You lie there. Page eighty in the script. You're about to wake from a death-like trance. Now I'll do the lead-up bit, and pay close attention. It should be an object lesson for you in how to act Shakespeare. The key to it, as Julie knows, is to be as like real life as possible. (To Julie) It's all right, you don't have to stand next to me. It cramps my style when I'm trying to act. (Julie moves away a couple of steps) Thank you. Now here goes. Romeo! 0 pale! Who else? (His gestures are stylised, stilted and anything but natural) What, Paris too? I forgot to mention, the body of Paris, Juliet's intended, is lying over here. And steeped in blood? Ah, What an unkind hour is guilty of this unkind chancel - The lady stirs. (Jill wakes)
JILL: 0 comfortable friar.
FERGUS: Not so quickly. Remember you've just been in a deathlike trance. Try it again. The lady stirs.
(Jill performs an exaggerated awakening.)
FERGUS: Hurry up.
JILL: (With a glare) 0 comfortable Friar! Where is my lord? I do remember well where I should be. And there I am. Where is my Romeo?
FERGUS: I hear some noise. Lady, come from that nest of death, contagion and unnatural sleep. I'll skip the next bit. The watch is coming. Come, go, good Juliet. (Looks up at imagined noise) I dare no longer stay.
JILL: Go get thee hence, for I will not away. (Director returns to front right stage. Julie returns to his side.) What's here? A cup, closed in my true love's hand. (She picks up his hand and drops it abruptly) Poison, I see has been his timeless end. 0 churl! Drunk all, and left no friendly drop to help me after? I will kiss thy lips. You've got to be joking! I don't have to, do I?
FERGUS: It's only acting. It doesn't mean anything. Come on, get on with it.
JILL: (Pulling a face) Haply some poison yet doth hang on them, To make me die with a restorative. (Goes to kiss him. Ben's arms come up to hold her. She slaps his face.)
BEN: Ow. That's not in the script.
FERGUS: You're supposed to be a corpse. Now let's do this properly. Who's next? (Jasmine steps forward) Just take it from What's here?
(As Jasmine speaks, director, rubbing stomach, turns away and goes for his hip flask. Julie moves alongside him and prevents it.)
JASMINE: (Over-acting) What's here? A cup, closed in my true love's hand? (Clasps his hand to her) Poison, I see has been his timeless end. 0 churl! drunk all, and left no friendly drop To help me after?
FERGUS: Relax.
JASMINE: Pardon, Sir?
FERGUS: You saw me acting, didn't you. Try to be more natural.
JASMINE: I will kiss thy lips. Haply some poison yet doth hang on them To make me die with a restorative.
FERGUS: Thank you. I've had ... I mean, I've seen enough. (To Julie) Instead of hanging around me like a shadow, will you try the same part? Stay where you are, Ben. You're perfect in this role.
(Julie goes over. Director turns away and takes out his hip flask. Julie sees it, rushes over to him and snatches it off him.)
JULIE: There'll be none of that, if you don't mind.
FERGUS: Give that back to me.
JULIE: No, never. I shall pour out every last drop.
FERGUS: But ... But...
JULIE: And you must swear never again.
FERGUS: But... but ... I need it. Now. Give it here. (She turns away)
JULIE: Swear first. (Ben to his feet, very watchful)
FERGUS: What! Why?
JULIE: Swear never to let a drop of that evil liquor pass your lips.
FERGUS: But it's only milk.
JULIE: (Smiling at him) That's how my Grandfather was, always inventing fibs to cover his beastly habit.
FERGUS: But it's not a beastly habit. It's for my...
BEN: (To Julie) Don't be stupid. Give him his bottle back. (Grabs it and hands it back to his Uncle)
JASMINE: (To Julie) My God, I've never seen anything like it. Leave the poor man alone.
JILL: I think you'd better go before you cause any more trouble.
JULIE: (Sticking to her guns) But I won't let him. (Grabs back the hip flask) How can you just stand by while he drinks himself to death?
FERGUS: Drinks himself....
JILL: (Trying to push her out) Get lost you little troublemaker.
FERGUS: But it's only milk for my ulcer. What did you think it was? (Jill stops pushing)
JULIE: Milk! But it's alcohol.
FERGUS: Open it and have a sniff. (Julie opens it and sniffs)
JULIE: But, but, Ben told me...
JASMINE: Oh, you shameless little liar. I was here all the time, and he never said a thing.
JULIE: But you must have heard him, both of you.
JILL: Oh, I get it. You saw the flask and jumped to the wrong conclusions. And now you're trying to put the blame on the three of us.
JASMINE: You want Mr. McAlister to get angry with us, so you get the part. Oo, you disgusting little witch.
JILL: That anyone could stoop so low.
JULIE: (Starting to cry) I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry. (Bursts into tears)
FERGUS: I get it. I'm starting to see the picture. Now, just dry your eyes, you poor little girl.
JILL: Poor little girl - can't you see she's a scheming...
JASMINE: She's twisting you round her little finger.
FERGUS: Leave her alone. I think the three of you have said too much already. It's nice to know that my affliction is a source of amusement to you. Well, the joke's over now. Here you are, you poor thing. (Gives her a handkerchief. She blows her nose very loudly)
JULIE: Thank you, Mr. McAlister. You're such an understanding man.
JILL: But you mean you're going to take her word against the three of us?
FERCUS: (Long pause during which he looks at the three, then at Julie) Yes. (To Julie) Now do you think you're up to reading some more of the part?
JULIE: I think so. I'll do my best, but it might not be very good. I'm still a bit upset.
FERGUS: That's all right. I'll make allowances. Ben, back to your position.
JASMINE: (To Jill, as Ben takes up position) I don't know! People can be so gullible.
JILL: Look at the little hussy!
FERGUS: Quiet please. (Julie places hip flask on chair, left, then takes her position)
JULIE: (Going into role perfectly) What's here? A cup, closed in my true love's hand? Poison, I see hath been his timeless end. 0 churl! Drunk all, and left no friendly drop, to help me after? I will kiss thy lips. Haply some poison yet doth hang on them To make me die with a restorative. (Kisses him) Thy lips are warm.
FERGUS: Lead, boy. Which way?
JULIE: Yea noise? then I'll be brief. 0 happy dagger. (Mimes taking dagger from Ben) This is my sheath; (stabs herself) There rust and let me die. (Falls on Romeo's body and dies)
FERGUS: (Applauding) Bravo. I think I've seen enough now.
JILL: What! You don't mean that auditions are over?
JASMINE: But you haven't given us a proper chance.
FERGUS: I've given you all the chance you deserve.
JILL: I see. You mean you'll be giving her the part because you believed her lies about us.
FERGUS: No, I'll be giving her the role because she deserves it.
JASMINE: But why not me? I put more feeling into it than she does.
JILL: You can't give her the part. I've more acting ability in my little finger.... Why her?
FERGUS: Because this young lady has the very quality that I think Shakespeare wanted to be brought out in Juliet.
JASMINE: (Sarcastically) And what's that?
FERGUS: Niceness. (Jill and Jasmine pull a face at each other) The quality of niceness is not strained. Niceness is all. Romeo and Juliet are basically just a couple of really nice kids. If they were a couple of tearaways, no one would care about them snuffing it. That's the tragedy of the whole thing. It's saying there's no place in the world for a couple of really nice kids
JILL: I've never heard anything so stupid.
FERGUS: Well, of course, it's natural that you're a bit put out at not getting the part. (To Jill and Jasmine) Look - If you take my advice, you'll find yourself something easier than this. Why don't you look for a nice amateur comedy production? That way, when you make fools of yourselves, no one'll notice the difference. Anyway, I'd better be going. I've got auditions for Romeo tomorrow night. (Heads for exit)
BEN: I'll see you there, then, Uncle Fergus.
FERGUS: What for? Were you planning on reading the Juliet parts? It's all right, we've found our Juliet now. (To Julie) You'll be able to make it tomorrow night, won't you?
JULIE: Of course.
(Director exits left.)
JILL: I think I'm going to be sick. (Looking at Julie)
JASMINE: Niceness is all! Miss Goody Two Shoes.
JILL: Come on, Jasmine. I've had a gutful here. Let's go up to the Pizza Bar. I'm starving. (To Julie) You'd better run along. Mummy'll be expecting you.
JULIE: Well, it is getting rather late.
JASMINE: (To Ben) Coming Ben?
BEN: In a minute. I'll catch up. I ...er... told my Uncle I'd do a couple of things here first.
(Jill and Jasmine exchange glances and exit.)
Julie ...er... I was thinking.
JULIE: Yes?
BEN: I'm really sorry about that joke we played on you.
JULIE: That's all right, Ben. It worked out all right in the end.
BEN: I know, but I still feel terrible about it. I'm genuine about that. I'm not genuine about many things, especially when it comes to girls. But you're a really nice person, and I felt lousy for playing that trick on you.
JULIE: That's nice of you to say it. But really, it's all right.
BEN: You know, I was thinking....
JULIE: Yes?
BEN: We really worked well together out there on the stage.
JULIE: Yes, we did.
BEN: It would be really nice if we could keep working on this play together.
JULIE: I suppose it would.
BEN: Uncle Fergus really liked you. If you dropped the word that you liked acting with me, it might carry some weight.
JULIE: (Thoughtfully) Yes, it might.
BEN: So, what about it?
JULIE: Mm, yes, I'll definitely think about it.
BEN: And Julie, I mean, I don't know how it is with your parents and everything, I mean, about going out with boys...
JULIE: Yes?
BEN: But if it was possible, would you go out with me this Saturday? We could go to a play, or an opera, or something really educational.
JULIE: Well, Ben, that's really nice of you to ask. You're a really nice boy, and it sounds like a really nice idea. But there's only one problem.
(Enter Bikie, left. He stands at exit.)
BEN: (Not seeing him) What's that?
JULIE: I really just can't stand niceness.
BIKIE: You ready, spunk? The Gang's all waiting. Let's go and party.
JULIE: Take me home first, so I can change out of this daggy gear. The things we do to make an impression. See you, Ben.
(Julie and Bikie exit. Bikie hands Julie a helmet, and throws Ben a kiss on the way out. Ben stands there scratching his head. Then he sees his Uncle's hip flask on the chair. He goes to it, takes it up in a theatrical pose.)
BEN: Here's to my love! (Pretends to drink) 0 true Apothecary! Thy drugs are quick! (Gasping and falling) Thus with a kiss I die. (Throws kiss to audience and dies)
CURTAIN
Other e-books by the same author:
Twilight
of The Bald
Whodunnit
Mrs Christie
Terra
Nullius - The Definite History
Twilight
of The Bald and Other Stories
The
Playground of The Mind is a Broad Theatre