Versus for Men
By Emmanuel Obi, Jr
Copyright 2011 Emmanuel Obi, Jr
Smashwords Edition
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How it started
One of my best friends, Emily Stephens, made the following comment on Facebook about whether she would date Superman or Batman:
It's a tough choice... but if I had to I'd say... I'd party hard with Batman but take Superman home to meet Mom. Yeah... he's the one you'd wanna marry and have kids with. Batman has some darker issues he should work through first... still I bet he's a beast on the dance floor. *food for thought*
It received tons of replies. One of which being mine:
Sorry Emigail - Superman is a cheater. Think about it, he flies around in tights (underwear) stands with his hands on his waist with a "cat-that-ate-the-canary" smile. Thinking to himself, "yeah check out my package" He's an overcoat away from being a flasher. He's a show-off which means he's insecure and has low self-esteem. He'll nail anything walking. Batman, . . . no no no, my favorite superhero is not suitable. He may be a good dancer but he has way too many Michael Jackson like tendencies. When the first Robin got too old, he became Nightwing and instead of getting an older partner he got another little boy. That little boy died. Then he got another little boy. He's had more little boys then most priests. And Batgirl who was hot and was trying to get down on the bat-c**k was ignored. Catwoman, who wanted to smoke some bat-sausage - rejected. So who is suitable? the Flash? nope, he's a minute man. Spider-man? you may end up with stick stuff in your hair (girls tell me that's no good) Captain America? he's clearly a Republican and by that virtue is homophobic and racist. The only right companion is . . . Mr Fantastic from the Fantastic Four. If he can stretch "other things" the same way he stretches his arms and legs . . . I'm just saying, it'll be your own Goldilocks man stick. Not too big not too small, just right. Tailor made for your pleasure. You wouldn't have clothes that fit so well
Following this her Aunt, Dana Gynther, asked me to give my opinion about Angel versus Spike (from TV's Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel):
This is the classic story of the sensitive poetic good guy vs. the aggressive cool bad boy. Every woman says they want a good guy but will constantly ignore him for the bad boy *cough*Emily *cough* Angel is the super sensitive poetic loving good guy. A tortured soul that made sweet and gentle love to virgin Buffy and turned into a d*** the next day (typical frat guy - btw Angel 227 Buffy 16 - can you say statutory?) Spike is beyond the stereotypical bad boy, he is essentially the prototype. Side-note: Any guy that keeps his hair bleach blonde without the aid of a reflection is potentially gay. Spike f***ed Buffy so hard that they brought down a house! (Here's a sex tip fellas: If you want a girl to fall in love with you take the Angel approach; if you want a girl NOT to leave you take the Spike approach) Sensitive poet would get old when you realized that he cried harder at the Notebook than you. The bad boy would get old after your third trip to the clinic to clear up your gonorrhea. So who is the alternative to these two unsuitable candidates? Clearly it's Giles, distinguished and well spoken, observant and thoughtful but he has a bit of a bad boy past which he keeps hidden which clearly means that once the doors are closed you'll end up breaking the headboard at least. First chance he got he put it to Buffy's mom on the hood of a car . . .
So now I've decided to give my opinion on a few more "match-ups." A very special thanks to Emily and Dana for helping me with this. Hopefully it gets a few laughs. Let me know what you think and if you have any other match-ups please let me know.Twitter @efaceless
Catwoman vs. Wonder Woman
At first glance you see a slut versus a femininist. Catwoman exploits men by using her womanly ways while Wonder Woman refuses to use that game. One is risky and the other is just irritating. It is very easy to believe that Catwoman has been in a few pornos: Cat wants your tongue, Pussies of the Caribbean, Puss knockin' Boots. My theory on women, if it was easy for you to sleep with her then how easy was it for any other guy. She may be good in bed but how much practice has she had.
Wonder Woman, an Amazon princess. It sounds sexy but you are more likely to argue over who gets to be on top. There is a thin line between a strong, independent woman and a stubbornly, annoying man-hater that is in dire need of a bra and a razor. There is even the chance that she may want to be "the man" one night.
So what are you left with if you don't want to end up a pillow-biter? Storm? Hell have no fury like a woman blah, blah, blah. No, no! Hell have no fury like a woman that can shoot lightning from her fucking finger tips. Supergirl is where you want to be. She's too young to be jaded and with her youth comes the eagerness to please her man and the openess to experiment.
Chun-Li vs. Sonya
Both woman are out for me. Combine an emotional day with the ability to kick your ass and you'll end up with your face through a brick wall. Sonya was way too quick to wrap her legs around the face of any man - and some women - she ran into. You may say it is a fighting move but when you're wearing skin tight green spandex and your camel toe is spread across some dude's moustache I gotta believe your intentions were a little more devious. That was the only way you could beat him? Really?
Chun-Li is three colors away from being dressed like a Catholic school girl, which just makes me feel dirty. She's clearly had a boob job. Add that with the fact that Chinese birth certificates aren't the most reliable documents in the world and the 19 year-old you're taking home may be 13.
So who is left? Princess Daisy? Sorry but the damsel in distress thing is played out. Ms. Pac-Man is the lady for you. Strong enough to handle herself in a fight but feminine enough to wear a pink bow.
Barbie vs. Xena Warrior Princess
This opinion will test my friendship with Emily but it must be said. However, I will start with Barbie. Unless you are a surgeon or an investment banker high maintainence and expensive is something you are trying to avoid in a woman. A pink corvette, a dream house, a boat - who's paying for this? Daddy, of course. It is also safe to say that she has a problem with vanity. This is bad enough while she is young; tons of clothes and weekly trips to the hairdresser but once she hits forty . . . tummy tucks, boob lifts, butt lifts, and face lifts will all take their toll on your savings account.
Xena? Xena, Xena, Xena? The main issue with her is the fact that she'll be sleeping with the babysitter and you won't be able to watch House because the Bulls game is on. The only thing guaranteed in this relationship is that this carpet muncher's dick is bigger than yours. The arguement I hear is: "Just because she is a strong woman you wanna call her a lesbian." I have tons of female friends that are strong women, none of them bathe with their "friends" and wash them - unless they are lesbians. Hell I haven't done that with most of the women I've slept with.
So who does that leave us with? I have no idea. Honestly, if these two are my choices I'll stay home and masturbate.
Jasmine vs. Ariel
When little boys grow up they notice one little girl for the first time. They don't tell their friends because at that age liking girls is icky. Jasmine was that girl for me. The foolishness of youth. If I knew then what I know now it would have been easy to see her for what she is, a cock-tease. She made Aladdin jump through hoops; use a genie to turn him into a prince, magic carpet ride, battle a sorcerer, and she still didn't give him any. She gave Jafar a deeper kiss than him. Trick!
Ariel? Yes she can sing and I am partial to red-heads but talk about a woman smelling like fish. Certain things I am willing to overlook in the pursuit of a significant other but a fish smell is not one of them. I don't care if she was turned into a human; I'm sure the smell lingers. It takes three days to get the fish smell out of my house when I cook.
So who's next? Nala? I don't know what a lioness is like on her period but the thought scares the fuck out of me. Snow White? Any chick that sleeps that long is just lazy. Either you work or take care of the house, lazy shits are not welcome. Belle stuck with the beast through thick and thin. The good times and the bad times. We call that a ride or die bitch. Clearly the first choice.
Mary-Ann vs. Ginger
There is not a battle more classic than the Hollywood Starlet versus the girl-next-door. Decades have been wasted arguing which would make a better mate. Ginger is the star; not only is she use to getting the attention, she demands it. With most women like that it is very easy to see them losing their temper if they don't get their way. Go out with the boys one night and you may find your clothes in the lawn.
Mary-Ann clearly wins. She's gorgeous without all of the demands. You could go out with the boys and she'll just go out with the girls. If you want to watch the game then she'll bring you a beer and read a book - hell, she may even watch the game with you if the Packers are playing. On top of that, a lot of guys know that the girl-next-door has a kinky side. A really, really, really kinky side.
So what's wrong with Mary-Ann? Nothing. Mary-Ann is a cheeseburger, a mouthful of delicious, but add bar-be-que sauce and onion rings and it's just better. So who is the BBQ burger? Samantha Stephens? Mother-in-law is a bitch and catch her on the wrong day and you may end up a toad. Clearly any woman whose entire purpose in life is to serve you and grants wishes has to be your first choice. "Jeanie create five other women that look just like you and wrestle in a tube of Jell-O. The losers give me a tongue bath and the winner gets to catch my man milk."
Look for Versus for Women.
Any suggestions - Twitter @efaceless