Versus for Women
By Emmanuel Obi, Jr
Copyright 2011 Emmanuel Obi, Jr
Smashwords Edition
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How it started
One of my best friends, Emily Stephens, made the following comment on Facebook about whether she would date Superman or Batman:
It's a tough choice... but if I had to I'd say... I'd party hard with Batman but take Superman home to meet Mom. Yeah... he's the one you'd wanna marry and have kids with. Batman has some darker issues he should work through first... still I bet he's a beast on the dance floor. *food for thought*
It received tons of replies. One of which being mine:
Sorry Emigail - Superman is a cheater. Think about it, he flies around in tights (underwear) stands with his hands on his waist with a "cat-that-ate-the-canary" smile. Thinking to himself, "yeah check out my package" He's an overcoat away from being a flasher. He's a show-off which means he's insecure and has low self-esteem. He'll nail anything walking. Batman, . . . no no no, my favorite superhero is not suitable. He may be a good dancer but he has way too many Michael Jackson like tendencies. When the first Robin got too old, he became Nightwing and instead of getting an older partner he got another little boy. That little boy died. Then he got another little boy. He's had more little boys then most priests. And Batgirl who was hot and was trying to get down on the bat-c**k was ignored. Catwoman, who wanted to smoke some bat-sausage - rejected. So who is suitable? the Flash? nope, he's a minute man. Spider-man? you may end up with stick stuff in your hair (girls tell me that's no good) Captain America? he's clearly a Republican and by that virtue is homophobic and racist. The only right companion is . . . Mr Fantastic from the Fantastic Four. If he can stretch "other things" the same way he stretches his arms and legs . . . I'm just saying, it'll be your own Goldilocks man stick. Not too big not too small, just right. Tailor made for your pleasure. You wouldn't have clothes that fit so well
Following this her Aunt, Dana Gynther, asked me to give my opinion about Angel versus Spike (from TV's Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel):
This is the classic story of the sensitive poetic good guy vs. the aggressive cool bad boy. Every woman says they want a good guy but will constantly ignore him for the bad boy *cough*Emily *cough* Angel is the super sensitive poetic loving good guy. A tortured soul that made sweet and gentle love to virgin Buffy and turned into a d*** the next day (typical frat guy - btw Angel 227 Buffy 16 - can you say statutory?) Spike is beyond the stereotypical bad boy, he is essentially the prototype. Side-note: Any guy that keeps his hair bleach blonde without the aid of a reflection is potentially gay. Spike f***ed Buffy so hard that they brought down a house! (Here's a sex tip fellas: If you want a girl to fall in love with you take the Angel approach; if you want a girl NOT to leave you take the Spike approach) Sensitive poet would get old when you realized that he cried harder at the Notebook than you. The bad boy would get old after your third trip to the clinic to clear up your gonorrhea. So who is the alternative to these two unsuitable candidates? Clearly it's Giles, distinguished and well spoken, observant and thoughtful but he has a bit of a bad boy past which he keeps hidden which clearly means that once the doors are closed you'll end up breaking the headboard at least. First chance he got he put it to Buffy's mom on the hood of a car . . .
So now I've decided to give my opinion on a few more "match-ups." A very special thanks to Emily and Dana for helping me with this. Hopefully it gets a few laughs. Let me know what you think and if you have any other match-ups please let me know.Twitter @efaceless
Aragorn vs. Legolas
The pretty boy versus the rugged stranger. To say Aragorn is at a disadvantage would be a complete understatement. Though the shaggy beard and long hair may strike women as attractive it also serves as a reminder of another demographic. Hobos. He wanders around Middle-Earth? Sounds like he's homeless. Then it is also safe to assume that he smells like a diseased alley cat.
However, beware of Legolas. Women, you don't want a man that is prettier than you. It's hard for me to take a man serious when he gets his hair layered and highlighted on the same day as his girlfriend. And the bow and arrow? The most feminine of all weapons. It's the harp of the battlefield.
So who are you left with? Frodo? I don't care what you say, that look in his eyes wasn't because of a ring, that was heroin. Gimli? Short and extremely hairy, unless you go for that sort of thing. The clear choice is Gandalf. Tall, bold, strong and he has magic fingers.
Aladdin vs. Tarzan
I'm not profiling but there is a good chance Aladdin is a terrorist. I don't mean to sound like Glen Beck but he is clearly from that region of the world. His nickname is Prince Ali? Prince of what? A country I never heard of? Sounds like a terrorist to me. All of his people look dirt poor while he lives in a palace? The only thing he's missing is a statue of himself in the city square and his face on the money.
As far as Tarzan, it depends on your feelings about bestiality. Personally, any woman that would have sex with an animal is off my list. How do I know he's played doctor with a gorilla? When you were little; around six, seven, eight, you developed a crush. You started noticing the opposite sex. Why would he be different? Hell, he thought he was a gorilla til his mid-twenties. Combine that with the fact that the average male loses his virginity at 16 and you have Tarzan, the gorilla fucker.
So if you don't want to spend the rest of your life covered in a veil or run the risk of the Gorilla-clap where do you turn? Prince Eric? She may have been half human but the bottom half was a fish so he is another proud participant in bestiality (Disney is pretty sick). John Smith? Kind of hard to get past the fact that his family is racist. The obvious choice is Hercules. Forget the fact that he is built like a Greek god, literally. His parents are gods. That's like marrying one of Bill Gates' kids if he wasn't going to give his children the shaft by dumping all of his money into charity.
Wolverine vs. Ironman
The choice is clear, right? Ironman. He's a billionaire, a genius, charming and a good dresser, but not so fast. There is a concern and it's not even his womanizing ways. He's clearly impotent and the suit is his way of proving to himself that he is still a man. A full body, battery operated strap-on. Mr. Tony Stark can't even live without a generator in his chest, do you really think he has enough blood flow to get an erection. What about all of the women he's been with? He gets them so blind drunk that they don't know if they had sex or played Scrabble.
With Wolverine you have the opposite problem, plus six. Who knows what happens when Wolverine reaches his happy moment? Muscle control becomes very hard at that moment - hence, the funny faces. Would you really want to risk the adamantium ejaculation from his hands? At minimum it will fuck up your hair. Worse still, if you can't get shampoo on a plane try getting six knives on board.
So then Professor X? One bad day and you'll spend the rest of the week thinking you're a chinchilla (Believe me, with some of my ex's they would still think they are chinchillas) Nightcrawler? If you don't like picking hair from your teeth just wait until you see that it's blue. Hard to explain that to mom. Iceman, of course you run the risk of frost bite in your no-no region. That doesn't even sound remotely desirable. Colossus is the answer for no other reason than he's the least dangerous. His power is the equivalent of the Abs of Steel workout videos.
G.I. Joe vs. Ken
Soldier versus metro-sexual. Be cautious of any man that has more accessories than you - or Donald Trump hair. Is he gay? Of course not, he's too gay for that to be possible. It's way too obvious to be true. But when you have to take out a second mortgage to cover the costs of his ascot collection you will understand the potential downfalls.
G.I. Joe? Any man that has an intimate relationship with his gun has more issues than People magazine. Women love a man in uniform but when that man loves the uniform so much that he insists on pulling his little rifle through his zipper rather than take it off then it won't be so attractive anymore.
So where does that leave you? Bedtime Bear of the Care Bears of course. His name is Bedtime Bear, if my name was Bedtime Obi I'm sure most women would assume one thing about me: I know how to break a headboard.
Captain Jack Sparrow vs. Captain Kirk
These two go from crappy to crappier. An alcoholic, walking port-a-potty going against Space Gonerhea. Captain Kirk has tagged more green ass than a frog during mating season. This may be me being prejudice but if a girl told me that her last fuck-buddy was blue then some serious doubts would cross my mind. Besides, it takes a certain kind of sexual deviant to undress a woman with the intention of bumping uglies but having no idea what those uglies look like. What if she removed her cosmic panties and her pubes moved like a buck of earthworms.
Captain Jack Sparrow? Now we have a question, which do you prefer: the devil you know or the devil you don't? It is clear that Sparrow not only has a drinking problem but has been in more holes than a golf ball. And judging from the company he keeps a lot of them didn't have teeth. Safe to say they probably have creepy crawlies in their Nether-region. So Terra Chlamydia or Galactic Herpes? Earthly HIV or Orbital Syphilis.
Clearly the safe bet is Captain Jean Luc Picard. Distinguished, reliable and if he's not still a virgin you could count his exploits on one hand.
Versus for Men coming soon.
Any suggestions - Twitter @efaceless