Letters to Thorbin
By Brittney L. Wentzel
Copyright © 2011 by Brittney Wentzel
Published by Brittney Wentzel at Smashwords
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To my angel baby Thorbin, whom I love and miss very much,
and to my amazing, loving, supportive husband, without whom I would have never made it.
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August 5, 2010, was the best and the worst day of my life. On that day I married my best friend, my rock, my hero—and on the same day we lost our son, Thorbin, at 14 weeks due to heart complications.
Losing him has been one of the hardest things that has ever happened in my life. All I have ever wanted was to be a mother who is there for her children, no matter what.
Throughout this year, though, I have grown to know myself so much better than I could have ever imagined. I left a job that I hated and would have stayed at forever if not for this loss, and my husband and I have gotten to know some wonderful family members who we would have never known any other way.
I am grateful that our son chose us and gave his life for us to grow.
I wanted to share my story of this past year in hope of helping others who have gone though the same thing as we have.
EVERYTHING REALLY DOES HAPPEN FOR A REASON.
Mommy and Daddy both love and miss you very much, Thorbin Mikeal Wentzel!
***
After trying for a baby for almost a year, in the middle of planning for our wedding and getting the loose ends finally tied up with our house, we got the best news of our lives: WE WERE PREGNANT!!!
We had gone to the doctor in April to discuss some different options we might need to use in order to get pregnant, because I have always had issues with my cycles. I thought maybe I had something going on that I needed to get checked out. My doctor said I was young and that we should give it at least until October before we started any testing, because testing is no fun. We were anxious to get started on a family, not only because we had been living together for almost four years, but also because we both come from a long line of parents who have had their children in their early twenties.
Coming from a childhood without a mom, I have always wanted nothing more than to be a mom and give my child everything I never got from my own mom. We both had great jobs, and the house that we had been living in for over a year was almost ours.
We must have conceived shortly after going to the doctor.
***
June 2nd, 2010
Baby,
Your dad and I have been trying for you since October, and today on a whim I took a home test early in the morning, not thinking anything of it until in the window PREGNANT showed. I was so excited I ran into the bedroom to show your dad. He rolled over and said, “Is this real?” “Of course, silly.” “Oh,” and he rolled back over to sleep. See what you have to look forward to, LOL.
I called right away to make an appointment with my doctor. Today is a very exciting day, not only because of you, but because we were signing on our first house. We went in to the doctor at 8 a.m. to get blood work done. First person we told was your grandma. She was so excited for us to get our blood work back. She called on her lunch break to see if we had news back from the doctor. “Don’t they know I have a heart condition and I just wanna know?”
Right before we walked in to sign our papers, the nurse called. “Congratulations, your blood work came back great, and you will be having a baby around February 5th.” I was so excited I just wanted to jump out of my skin! When we got home, I called all of my family in Oregon—your great-great grandparents all the way to your aunts and uncles, all very excited for you!
Just finding out about you, and I already love you more than anything in the world. Can’t wait to meet you!
Love always, your mommy.
July 19th, 2010
Baby,
Today we got to see you for the first time!!! How exciting! Your heartbeat was a little slower than normal, and you were a little smaller than normal, but the doctor says that that’s normal...I love you, and I can’t wait to see you. I am so happy that you will be with us at our wedding in August.
Love you to the moon, your mama.
Getting news like that makes you think a little, but you always trust what your doctor says to you. They were the ones that went to school for it, right? After Tony's cousin lost a baby not too long before that, how could anything happen to our bundle of joy?
July 23rd, 2010
My little blueberry,
Today I started spotting, so we went right away to the doctor. Your heart rate is still a little on the slow side, but you have gotten bigger. They said it was nothing to worry about; some people just spot while they’re pregnant. Dad says, “Don’t worry, he has Viking blood; he will do fine.” We both think you are a boy. “Voodoo” Grandma did the test a few weeks ago, and every time that it was done, it showed you were a boy. Ashley made everyone, even the nurse, try it while we were at the hospital visiting your cousin Torin.
Mommy loves you.
July 27th, 2010
Baby blueberry,
Today we had another ultrasound. Our friend says you look like your dad, and he can already see the chops and beard, LOL. Can’t wait to see you in person. I’m kinda glad we get to see you each week. I know we don’t have anything to worry about, but I’m glad the doctor sees us each week to make sure. LOVE YOU!!!
August 1st, 2010
Hey blueberry,
I have not been sleeping much. I feel night time is my time with you. I love spending all night rubbing my belly and singing songs to you. Can’t wait until you are in my arms. Papa, your uncle, and Kristen will be here in a few days for the wedding. Can’t wait until they can talk to you, too.
Love you, Thorbin Mikeal Wentzel.
August 6th, 2010
Thorbin,
I am still in shock, even though I knew if it was to happen, we would have lost you on our wedding day. Your dad had some drinks after the wedding last night, so Kristen came with me to the doctor. You looked so much bigger. The ultra sound tech did not say a word to us, and she quickly walked out. Kristen talked about getting our formal wedding pictures done today and what else we had to pick up for the big reception tomorrow. The maternal fetal doctor came in and said, “The product is no longer.” She was so cold about it. I was a little confused, and I looked around the room as I saw the ultrasound tech in a corner bawling her eyes out. So many things went through my head. All I could say was, “Hey, at least I can drink tomorrow at my wedding reception.” As soon as we got to the elevator, I called your dad. He was still half asleep. I said, “the baby has passed away.” He said, “What?” and I had to repeat myself a few times. Finally I yelled, “The fucking baby is dead,” and hung up. We had to do a few things in town before coming home. I felt so bad for yelling at your dad. It was all the shock hitting me. While running around town I texted everyone, saying that you had passed, and I really did not want to talk about it until all this wedding stuff was done with. When I got home, your papa Mike was trying so hard to talk to me and give me a hug, and all I could do was push him away and get ready to get our formal wedding pictures done. I still don’t think this is real, and I hope when I go to my doctor next week she tells me there was a mistake.
LOVE you, son.
I am so thankful that I had everyone there to distract myself from what was going on inside me. I really don’t think it had hit me yet because of all the distractions. I talked to some good family friends who just happened to work at the hospital with me, in the OB department. We talked about different options I had, and I decided getting a DNC would probably be the best way to go. I did a lot of research beforehand. I felt knowing I would not have any more unwanted surprises would be for the best, and I still had a week off work to recover from the DNC.
August 9th, 2010
To my love Thorbin,
Even though I will never get to see you, hold you, or rock you to sleep, or change your dirty diapers, I love you, and you are the greatest thing I have ever done in my life. Your dad and I would have given you a home full of love and security. We are very sad you will not get to sleep in your bassinet next to our bed. We are sad we don’t get to sing you one of our crazy made-up songs, but we know that losing you was for the best. We may not know why now, but everything happens for a reason. It brought your dad and I closer, and it would break our hearts to see you with heart problems. I love you and know you are with your Grandma Tudor watching over our family. I know you are forever with me. I will always think of you and love you
Your mommy.
August 10th, 2010
My little blueberry,
Today I went in for surgery to remove you from me. The doctor said you had had a heart problem, and it was not forming right. That’s why you left us. I was a little blindsided when she asked if we wanted to discard you with other medical waste, have you join the Catholic mass barrel that the hospital offers, or if we had arrangements for a funeral home to pick you up. Well, we are not Catholic and didn’t know about making arrangements, so we went with the first option. Looking back, I wish we would have known. I would have loved to have a physical piece of you with me. I felt so bad that I love you so much, and you will just be thrown in the trash.
August 13th, 2010
I was thinking of all the things I wanted to get you for Christmas and won’t get the chance. All I have ever wanted to be in life is a good mom. I hope I didn’t let you down. I love you with all my heart.
Your mom.
August 17th, 2010
Coming back to work at the hospital was a little weird today. All the joy of sharing our wedding pictures and stories followed by the questions, “How is the baby?” “Do you have any new ultrasounds?” “Do you know what your baby is yet?” All I could say is that he is in Heaven watching over us. I have decided when I’m asked if I have children, my answer will always be “Yes, I have a son, Thorbin.” Whether I tell them you are in Heaven or not will depend on my mood and who they are.
Mommy loves you and am so glad I have you looking down on me to help me get through the hard times.
Oh, work. I had been working at a nursing home for over a year. I loved my job and seemed to be loved back from the patients and most of my fellow employees. During my time off work, I decided I wouldn’t hide anything about losing Thorbin. What good would it do to hold it all in? If anyone asked how my pregnancy was going or if we knew what we were having or anything like that, I let them know in the nicest way I could. I never got emotional or mean about it, I just let them know we lost the baby and he was in a better place.
I was pulled into the office a few times because people said I was not dealing well with it and they were concerned, but, as I told my boss, I was doing as well as a person could. She kept pushing for me to take leave. I told her every time that no, I preferred to stay working. I was fine, and it was not affecting my job, but if someone asked me, I wasn’t going to lie. When I came back from my wedding vacation and surgery, I was switched to night shift.
Night shift staff and patients are very different in their own special ways. My boss asked the other staff to keep an eye on me and told them I was not coping in the way they thought was right.
I thought very hard about quitting; I applied for many other jobs. I had an interview at a preschool that went very well and was asked when I could start. Shortly after my interview, I was called by my boss at the nursing home to come in. I was let go from the hospital on the very same day I was going to put in my two weeks. The funny thing about that was I got two weeks paid time off and all my benefits, which I would have not gotten if I had quit.
I started at the preschool, which has always been my favorite kind of work, and they are very understanding and kind about my loss.
Shortly after starting at the preschool, a fellow teacher saw my last name and asked what my husband’s name was, and I told her. She said she was related to my husband, which was odd, because I thought I had met all of his family. She gave me some information that I followed up with my husband and mother-in-law, only to find out it was true. In all of that, we found some amazing people that we get to call our family and, even more importantly, our friends.
August 29th, 2010
My dearest little blueberry,
Your dad and I are going to the doctor and are at the point of deciding if we are going to try for another baby or get on birth control. It’s hard because I feel if we rush it, it’s like we didn’t give you a chance to be. I felt so anxious when we first started having problems with you. I had fourteen weeks of love and calm and excitement that all got taken away in a few quick moments. And if we try again, the anxiety will be the whole way through. No calm at all, not even for a week. But I know there will be no calm in my heart until I get to hold your brother or sister in my arms. I wish I could have seen you, if only for a minute. It is hard to understand how you could have this much love and heartache for someone you have never seen but know they were there. You are and always will be my first sweet baby. Every time I look at your new brother or sister I will think of you. I will ask myself, “Do you look like Thorbin?” “Did your brother do those same things but in Heaven?” I will always look at them and think, “What if the two of you were here together?”
Mommy loves you very much.
I was coming home from a long day of work with a full load in my arms, trying to juggle it all in order to open the front door, when a dragonfly landed on my head and would not leave for a good ten minutes. When I stopped to think about it, I remembered that dragonflies and butterflies are symbols for pregnancy and infant loss and thought, “Wow, does my son know when I need to calm down and think about what I have good going on in my life?”
September 19th, 2010
Mommy’s angel,
It’s been a hard week without you here. I am so anxious to give you a brother or a sister to watch over, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to share my heart. I know we will be blessed with another baby when we are meant to, but it’s hard on my heart to wait each month, wondering if this is our time or not. I miss you and would love to have my arms filled with a beautiful baby.
Love and miss you forever, your mommy.
October 10th, 2010
Thorbin,
Hi my little man, mom misses you. I wish I could hold you and love on you. Today we went to the pumpkin patch with your dad’s side of the family. I wish you could have been there with us. This time of year is mom’s favorite. I would have loved to see your little face light up with joy as I shared some of my favorite things with you, like the hay rides and carving pumpkins. I know you were there in spirit, but it’s not the same. I hope you like it in Heaven; I’m sure you do. I wish I could see you up there with your Grandma Tudor. You should put in a good word with God and tell him you would like a brother or a sister to watch over. It would really help mom’s heart if I had another to share my love with. I feel comfort knowing you are watching over us. I need that comfort and calm. Help me remember that you are in a better place, and it’s all part of a bigger picture. Mom loves you forever and always, and I hope you love your balloons and letters from all the family.
With all my love, Mom.
Everyone in the family wrote letters and attached them to balloons. We sent them off to Thorbin in remembrance of October 15th, which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
November 19th, 2010
Hi, little man, hope you are keeping out of trouble :) I wanted to thank you for giving yourself for your dad and I to learn and grow from. I really grew a lot, and I owe it all to you. I’m sure I don’t know all that will come from losing you, but I am thankful that I can see a little good from this horribly heart-breaking event. I love you with all my heart.
Your mommy.
March 1st, 2011
Hi my love. Wow, we would have had you home for over a month now. Oh, how things change. Mom misses you so much; I wish I could have had the chance to cuddle you up. It is bittersweet. I would have loved to have had you here with me, but I am also so thankful for what you have given us by giving up your earthly life. There is so much your dad and I would have never known without your unselfish sacrifice. I was given a book about a Heavenly experience that said we know our earthly purpose before we go to earth, and we are given the choice to take the task. As we get to earth, our purpose leaves our foreminds but always remains in the back of our minds. Sometimes we get side-tracked, but in the end our purpose is always completed. That’s how I have always thought of life, so yet again thank you for your unselfishness. People say, “Get over it,” or “You will have another,” or “You are young,” but the second I found out you were there, there was nothing I would not do for you. They don’t understand how much love and hope I had for you. But you do, and I guess that’s all that matters. As we try for another, I have such hope and so much fear at the same time. I have no idea what I would do if I had to give another angel. I know there is a plan for us, but each month that passes with no news on the expansion of our family, it hurts my heart a little more. No one seems to understand the failure I feel of not being able to keep you and not being able to conceive again. I love you son!
Love always, your mom.
After losing Thorbin and having a DNC, I was told most people conceive again after four months. I was getting so anxious to have another baby. To be a mother is the one thing I have wanted most in my life, and every month I got my period, I would feel like a failure, like it’s my womanly job to be able to get pregnant. “What is wrong with me? Why is God punishing me?” was all that ran through my mind. What did I do to have my baby taken from me? Not only was not getting pregnant again a problem, but I was also having extremely painful periods and skipping a few months in between. I was not sure what was going on, but I thought I should go to the doctor to see what she thought.
April 19th, 2011
Today I went to the doctor to talk about why we have not conceived again. She wanted to try some tests; she said she thinks I might have PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome), which could explain why we have not conceived and why I don’t always ovulate. It is such a relief to know that it is not me being unworthy of another child. She said if PCOS is what I have, then once I get on the medication, we should be pregnant by midsummer. What a relief. Thank you for watching over us. I love and miss you, son.
Love you, mom.
May 13th, 2011
We got the call. I do have PCOS. I am so thankful that we know what’s going on, and that there is a cure, and that so many people have had positive outcomes on the medication. If the doctor is right, we can share the great news in person with my side of the family. Thank you and God for hearing my cries for answers and hope.
Love you son.
June 6th, 2011
The past few months, I have been in the whatever happens, happens mode. I have been so happy with my life and so happy with the way things have been going, but this week is starting out so hard. I was so hopeful that this was the month for us to get good news. I went all of May without a period. But no such luck. It is so hard on my heart each month not to get “the good news.” I feel like such a failure. To be a great mom is all I have ever wanted, and it seems like I will never have the chance to prove it to people. I kind of wish we were not given the time frame “pregnant by midsummer.” I feel more anxious. I will always love you and always feel sad that you are not here with us, but I want to remember the good and not the loss. I cannot wait to share you with your sibling; I cannot wait for them to know that they have someone watching over them and someone they can lean on. Our next child will get something not many other people have, and that is their own angel. I am so thankful I have you as my angel, and I hope your dad and I get to share you with them really soon. Mom loves you and is so proud of you.
I love you, son.
I am so very thankful for the way my life has been. It’s hard to keep the faith and to know that it is not your fault at all for losing a child: It was just not their time here on Earth. I look around every day and see little reminders of my son. Knowing that he will always be with us brings a joy to my heart. We will see what life has to bring us as far as another child goes, but as of right now I am happy to have my angel baby on my shoulder, looking out for me. I have to remind myself sometimes that I am not alone; there are a lot of very strong women out there that have had a child taken so early from this world, and if I ever need to vent or ask questions, they are out there.
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If you or someone you know has suffered the loss of a prenancy or infant, you can find support at http://www.october15th.com/
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Cover Credits
Images
© Olga Lyubkin | Dreamstime.com
Cover Design DeAnna Knippling
Internal Images © Brittney Wentzel
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