16
NoGood, Nowhere: A Play
By Sakabaka
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2009 Edouard S. Mutabazi
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CAST OF CHARACTERS
MAN, middle-aged drunk.
TRAVELER, man in his 50s looking for the meaning of life. Has British accent.
An encounter between the TRAVELER and the MAN takes as the two cross paths in the MAN’s neighborhood, or “domain.” The TRAVELER is in search of life’s meaning, and learns a valuable lesson from his conversation with the MAN.
Act I, Scene I
A shabbily dressed man drunkenly shuffles onstage. He’s holding a bottle of whiskey in his hand.
MAN
(Takes a swig. Wipes mouth)
Ahh, the joys of living. Or, rather, the joys of drinking. (Looks around. Sighs) What to do now? Let’s see, I have no money, I have no wife, no children, no job, no friends…anything else I forgot? Oh, yeah, no future. Lousy communists, why did they end the cold war? I could have joined the army. And fought them. Bam, Bam, Bam. One by one, I could have killed those reds. Lousy, damned reds.
TRAVELER walks in, sees the man and walks towards him.
TRAVELER
A pleasant morning, sah.
MAN
Sahhh? The hell is that?
TRAVELER
Pardon me, sah, the hell is what?
MAN
That. That “sahh” thing.
TRAVELER
I’m sorry, I don’t understand.
MAN
Oh, well, you’re probably a red, anyways. What are you doing here? This is my domain.
TRAVELER
I’m just passing through to another town.
MAN
Oh, oh, let me guess, you are lost, right?
TRAVELER
No, sah.
MAN
(Putting arm on TRAVELER’S shoulder)
Look, my man, drop the sah, okay? You don’t have to sound so ball-less, you know, like you have no balls. You are not my servant, y’know? What do you do?
TRAVELER
I’m a traveler.
MAN
Seriously? You travel?
TRAVELER
Yes.
MAN
For a living?
TRAVELER
Yes.
MAN
You travel for a living?
TRAVELER
Yes, s…uh, yes…man.
MAN
Ah ah ah!!! you almost said ‘sah,’ didn’t you?
TRAVELER
Yes.
MAN
(Stepping away from traveler)
So, what do you do when you travel?
TRAVELER
I’m looking for the meaning of life.
MAN
A woman?
TRAVELER
Not in particular. But, uhm, do you know where I can find one?
MAN
Yes.
TRAVELER
May you introduce me?
MAN
No.
TRAVELER
No?
MAN
Yes.
TRAVELER
Good. When can I meet her, then?
MAN
I said no.
TRAVELER
Then you said yes.
MAN
To no.
TRAVELER
Yes to no?
MAN
(Turning to audience)
Now he gets it.
TRAVELER
Who are you talking to?
MAN
(Gesturing to the audience)
The people.
TRAVELER
Sure, if you say so, chap. Look I will pay you, okay? I need a woman.
MAN
No way, Jose.
TRAVELER
My name is not Jose.
MAN
I know it’s not your name, it’s just an…oh, well, it doesn’t matter. No woman for you.
TRAVELER
Whoa, that reminds me of something.
MAN
What?
TRAVELER
The thing before that.
MAN
The thing before what?
TRAVELER
Yes, that.
MAN
(Becoming exasperated)
The thing before that what?
TRAVELER
The soup thing.
MAN
What soup?
TRAVELER
The thing you said.
MAN
(To the audience)
Am I drunk Or…?
TRAVELER
Uhm, the people, again?
MAN
Yes.
TRAVELER
Look, fellow, all I want is to feel a woman’s flesh next to me. To have her make me feel like a man. You know what I mean?
MAN
(sitting down)
Of course.
TRAVELER
(sitting down next to MAN)
If you help me out, I will pay you.
MAN
You travel a lot?
TRAVELER
Yes.
MAN
You meet lots of women?
TRAVELER
Yes.
MAN
Do you see any here?
TRAVELER
No.
MAN
What’s that tell you?
TRAVELER
I don’t understand.
MAN
You speak English?
TRAVELER
The Queen’s best.
MAN
Then you understand me.
TRAVELER
Okay.
MAN
That there are no women here. There is just booze and me.
TRAVELER
I’m sorry, I don’t go that way. No offense.
MAN
(Looks at TRAVELER)
You don’t go which way?
TRAVELER
Your way. That way.
MAN
And what is THAT way?
TRAVELER
I only go the way of women.
MAN
You think I’m gay?
TRAVELER
Yes, please don’t take it as an offense. I tried it once in another place, another time. But my way now is that of a woman.
MAN
I don’t go that way, either. (Shaking the bottle in front of him)This is the only way I go. (Takes a swig)
TRAVELER
Oh. Okay.
MAN
Okay.
TRAVELER
You mean to say you don’t have women?
MAN
Once or twice.
TRAVELER
That’s it?
MAN
Or three or nine times. I don’t remember, it was a lot. I lost count
TRAVELER
Of three times?
MAN
Of nine times. Didn’t you hear me say that?
TRAVELER
Of course, my apologies. That’s a lot of times, chap.
MAN
Yeah, didn’t want to make you feel inadequate, you know.
TRAVELER
I understand. Why did you stop?
MAN
The bottle is easier to handle.
TRAVELER
Can’t handle a woman?
MAN
I said the bottle is easier. I didn’t say I couldn’t handle a woman. I’m a man, I can easily handle women.
TRAVELER
Nine times?
MAN
Why nine times?
TRAVELER
You said you were with women nine times.
MAN
I said that?
TRAVELER
Yes. Ask the people.
MAN
I don’t need to ask them, they just look at me, anyways. They never answer me. They don’t know my language.
TRAVELER
Well, you said nine times.
MAN
I meant twelve.
TRAVELER
Precisely.
MAN
Elvis? You know him, too?
TRAVELER
I didn’t say Presley. I said precisely.
MAN
Exactly, Elvis Presley. The rock and roll legend.
TRAVELER
I said…
MAN
(Interrupting)
You know, some people think he’s still alive, but they don’t know how right they are.
TRAVELER
How so?
MAN
Well, he died, the worms ate him, the worms were used as bait, the fish ate them, the people ate the fish, now the people and their children have Elvis in them. He lives, man, it’s cool.
TRAVELER
That’s interesting. My friend would be impressed.
MAN
Who’s your friend? Another traveler?
TRAVELER
No, he just sits and talks to other chaps. A philosopher.
MAN
About what?
TRAVELER
The meaning of life.
MAN
A woman? Like you?
TRAVELER
I travel.
MAN
You’re sitting.
TRAVELER
Yes.
MAN
Talking.
TRAVELER
Yes.
MAN
You’re a philosopher.
TRAVELER
That’s my friend.
MAN
But you are doing what he does.
TRAVELER
Yes, but I’m traveling.
MAN
Has he found the meaning of life?
TRAVELER
No.
MAN
Have you found the meaning of life?
TRAVELER
No.
MAN
Yeah, women are hard to find.
TRAVELER
We are searching for the meaning of life, not women.
MAN
Look, would you be happy if you found the meaning of life?
TRAVELER
Yes.
MAN
Would you be happy if you found a woman?
TRAVELER
Yes.
MAN
Say thank you.
TRAVELER
For what?
MAN
For helping you.
TRAVELER
Helping me do what?
MAN
Find that woman you are looking for.
TRAVELER
(Looking around)
A woman? Where? I don’t see one.
MAN
Right there, dummy, in front of you. What you have been looking for all this time.
TRAVELER
Where? What?
MAN
Do you drink?
TRAVELER
Not a drop.
MAN
You should start.
TRAVELER
Why?
MAN
You said finding the meaning of life would make you happy, right?
TRAVELER
Yes.
MAN
And finding a woman would make you happy?
TRAVELER
Affirmative.
MAN
Then finding a woman will show you the meaning of life.
TRAVELER
(Gazing in the distance)
You do remind me of the Philosopher.
MAN
Does he drink?
TRAVELER
Yes.
MAN
Has he found a woman?
TRAVELER
I don’t know his private life, but he doesn’t have a wife.
MAN
That’s why he’s still talking to “chaps” in the market places.
TRAVELER
I didn’t say he talks to people in the market place.
MAN
Wherever it is, then.
TRAVELER
(Standing up)
Well, thank you for the insight. I must be off to continue my search.
MAN
A woman?
TRAVELER
If I can find one.
MAN
Are you scared of women?
TRAVELER
Whatever gives you such an idea?
MAN
You are scared, I can tell. Have you even had one?
TRAVELER
Lots.
MAN
Riiiight, look, sit down here. (TRAVELER sits down again). You and I, we are a lot alike. We are both terrified of women.
TRAVELER
(Nodding)
Yeah, they are terrifying.
MAN
Look around, that’s why I don’t have them here in my domain.
TRAVELER
Why are you terrified of them?
MAN
Same reason as you, no one understands them. They are from Venus, for God’s sake.
TRAVELER
And we are from Mars.
MAN
No, we are from Earth. They are the aliens.
TRAVELER
Hm. (motions for the bottle). May I try your drink? All this...
MAN
No, leave the drinking to me. That’s my lot, my friend, just as yours is travelling.
TRAVELER
What should I do if I meet a woman?
MAN
If you don’t know what to do, I can’t help you, my friend. Go ask a college kid.
TRAVELER
But you were saying all those things. Philosophical things.
MAN
(Finishes the bottle and curls up to sleep)
That was the liquor, my amigo, I don’t even remember most of what I said. I gotta sleep. Goodbye, now.
TRAVELER
(Standing up)
Thank you for your time. Just one more question, what’s the name of this domain of yours?
MAN
Nowhere.
TRAVELER
Nowhere?
MAN
Yes, Nowhere.
TRAVELER
And your name?
MAN
Look, you’re disturbing me now. You said one more question.
TRAVELER
I said two.
MAN
You said one.
TRAVELER
I couldn’t have said that, I clearly wanted to ask two questions. There is no way I could have said one.
MAN
Well, it’s no good knowing it.
TRAVELER
NoGood KnowingIt?
MAN
YES. Go away, leave me alone. (Starts snoring loudly)
TRAVELER
As you wish. (Moving away he notices the audience) Oh, heavens! You are really there. (Turning to MAN) Hey. (MAN continues snoring. TRAVELER shakes him by the shoulder). Hey, you were right all along. They are there. I see them.
MAN
Huh? What? It’s you again? Leave me alone.
TRAVELER
I see them. You were right.
MAN
(Grumbling)
See them? Who?
TRAVELER
The people. They are there, I see them now.
MAN
(Sleepily grumbling)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just leave me alone. (Goes back to snoring loudly)
TRAVELER
(To the audience)
This, man, uhh…NoGood… was right all along. Well, I must say that in all my travels, I’ve NEVER met a man as interesting as NoGood KnowingIt of this here Nowhere. What’s to become of him, I cannot fathom, but somehow I know NoGood will be right here in Nowhere imparting his wisdom of the sauce on people like me – and you - fools chasing dreams we don’t really understand ourselves. In the spirit of NoGood, stick to your lot and chase that woman, but always remember; you are from Earth, and she is from Venus. You will never, never understand her.
Lights dim as TRAVELER walks offstage humming a happy tune.
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