Status Updates: 2009-2011
By Sean Boling
Copyright 2011 Sean Boling
Smashwords Edition
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Introduction
In what is obviously a bit of a stretch, I tended to think of a good status update as being like one of those sand paintings created by Tibetan Buddhist monks: carefully crafted to provide a momentary sense of pleasure for the beholder, and then whoosh…swept away. Of course, they spend weeks to months composing those mandalas, as opposed to minutes; their works of art are intricate and spectacular, as opposed to not being works of art; their goal is to understand the ephemeral nature of material life, as opposed to…whatever our purpose is in writing status updates.
I should probably stop hiding behind collective pronouns like “our”, as though you are somehow complicit in this project, and admit this is a personal endeavor. Indeed, though, to conclude the point of the above analogy, it was never my intention to publish my updates until about two days before I decided to do so. In fact, I hadn’t even been saving them into a perpetually updated Word document. It was only when I decided to electronically publish a novel I had written and was looking for ways to attract people to the accompanying website that it occurred to me a free gift of some sort might be effective, like one of those old television commercials for bamboo steamers or Time Life books that kept asking, “Now how much would you pay? But wait, there’s more! Act now and you’ll receive absolutely free…” and then came the enticements of good luck wind chimes or electroplate push pins. So what you have in hand now is essentially your own set of good luck wind chimes, and you didn’t even have to buy the bamboo steamer/novel to get it.
The process of constructing this was enlightening: turns out the updates were never really swept away (whoosh). They were always there, from day one of opening my facebook account, which is probably a good thing for all of us to keep in mind. (Of course, some of you already knew this; whether you keep it in mind as you make decisions on what to post is quite possibly another matter.) Just keep hitting the “older posts” command at the bottom of the page as you scroll down, and eventually you reach the origins of your facebook life. If we could just conduct a similar process for life on earth, we’d solve the mystery of how life began. But as far as an individual life is concerned, mysteries will always abound regarding purpose and conduct: What am I doing here? And am I doing it well?
It is this common thread of wonder and concern which leads me to hope that maybe, just maybe, you’ll manage to find something worthwhile in this small book other than (perhaps) a few laughs, and no additional charge to your credit or debit card, as I imagine many of the things I find myself wondering about or concerned with are of a like mind with you.
Some items to keep in mind as you scroll through what follows: Each update was composed with my name and profile picture as part of the original version. Thus I oftentimes utilize my name as the subject of the sentence, without actually re-stating it (which is why many of the entries in this book begin with a verb, or a comma, or something other than a subject). Also, in the interest of full disclosure, this is not a complete set of updates from the timeline noted. I did not include those which merely stated where I was or what I was doing without offering some sort of insight or commentary regarding said circumstances, because that would be like reading someone’s daily planner or calendar. In addition, I did not include those which referenced some current event or cultural phenomenon that has already managed to fade into obscurity, or has so far stood the test of time, but my commentary regarding it didn’t seem to add much to its burgeoning legacy.
And finally, I would like to acknowledge all of my good friends and family members who continue to comment on my updates and express your enjoyment of them. In scrolling back through time, I thoroughly appreciated re-reading your contributions and, frankly, found some of your thoughts funnier and more perceptive than mine. I would have liked to include them, but attempting to do so created a formatting quagmire. Or at least I assume it would. I didn’t really try, because this is my book, and I don’t want all of you upstaging me.
Thank you, and enjoy.
Winter 2009
is finding solace in knowing that on average we live almost eighty times longer than Baby New Year/Father Time.
is dabbling in preparing for the upcoming semester.
is watching Ken Burns' "Baseball" and noticing how 1800s-era baseball players' words sound just like Civil War soldiers' once you put fiddle music behind them.
is contemplating whether he should intervene in the toddler v. first grader conflict going on upstairs, or let them duke it out.
is wondering whatever happened to the clay bust of Lionel Richie that the blind girl made in the "Hello" video.
is also very excited about the new semester which started today...oh, you were all talking about the inauguration. Well, that too.
figures he's doing okay if 50% of his students absorb 20% of what he's saying.
was at the eye doctor and still isn't sure which one was more clear: the first one or the second one.
is getting the impression that one of his kids' favorite shows is also a favorite of stoners nationwide.
and Beets are heading to a Valentine's dinner at a restaurant with a mere 9 dollar corkage fee; we're gonna go ahead and consider that a two-for-one deal.
is hoping he has not appeared too often on the "People You May Know" section of people's facebook accounts who don't want to befriend him.
loves it when students stop by his office and ask if "we're doing anything in class today." Absolutely loves it.
doesn't believe anyone should have to choose between being human or being dancer.
would allow 116 of his 120 facebook friends into his house
is pondering the most beautiful full moon through the upstairs wind--oh, it's a street light.
is disappointed to discover that the "Beyond" in "Bed, Bath, and Beyond" merely refers to kitchen supplies.
wants to believe Chris Harrison this time when he says that this season's finale is "the most dramatic Bachelor yet", but has been burned too many times before
is stunned by the news from Microsoft that there are unused icons on his desktop.
Spring 2009
is trying to decide which birthday is most nondescript: 19, 22, 31 or 41.
is thinking that his clothes match a little bit too well today, like Garanimals.
and Marie have been drinking wine from the magnum Fred gave us as a birthday gift. It's like a week-long kegger for middle-aged people.
has been granted a new family responsibility: eating the food which is approaching or recently past its expiration date.
is daydreaming he's in a Good Times live studio audience gasping "oooooh" with all the others as J.J. blurts out to Mama that she's acting like a jive turkey
is worried; he took the "Where you should be living" quiz and it spat back Flint, Michigan.
took the "What Form of Bacteria Are You" quiz and was deemed Lactobacillus Reuteri. Ha! Hand sanitizers of the world, kneel before me! I am your .01%!
is thinking it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day to be neighbors, and not having spoken to his neighbors in years does not change that.
and Marie went to five different wineries today for the Zinfandel Festival and it was fun and this one place had these little sandwiches and...they...snrt...zzz.
is drawing a blank. And then drawing a little moustache on it.
is grateful to have been raised in fireproof pajamas.
upon seeing the preview for the new Star Trek movie, is thinking the subtitle should be "Star Date 90210"
is wondering if the kid across the street will ever successfully complete that move on his skateboard.
is all like "Happy 3rd Birthday, Patrick" and Patrick is all like smiling.
heard someone say "OMG" instead of "Oh My God", which saves no time or effort since they each have the same amount of syllables. Perhaps she said it out of principle; a deeply held belief in texting abbreviations.
wished the earth a Happy Earth Day and it looked at him and said, "Just leave me the hell alone."
was able to reach his facebook app in his utility belt; now if he can just reach the mini circular saw and free himself and his crime-fighting partner from these nylon ropes before they're lowered into the vat of boiling water and asbestos-coated piranhas.
doesn't get it; he sang that "You're so damn beautiful" song from the radio to his wife, and nothing. Nada. Thought for sure that stuff was gold.
has a committee meeting this afternoon during which he will nod knowingly, leaf through pages of information while furrowing his brow, and laugh at members' jokes
is looking out his office window and wondering if those hills have eyes, or if they are alive with the sound of music.
was going to use the restroom before leaving, but as he was gathering up his stuff, the baristas smiled and said "good bye", so he just left and used the one at the gas station down the street.
appreciates how those automatic paper towel dispensers help the environment: by the time you've waved your hands in front of it a dozen times, you no longer need the towel.
will be hanging out with Patrick at the Santa Barbara Zoo while Marie chaperones for Estey's Brownie Scout field trip. Over/Under on how many times we ride the train: seven.
hears cackling and a smoker's cough from the student conference in the office next door. You don't hear that sort of thing in a high school or a university.
is down two friends on his facebook list in the last 24 hours. Was it something I said? Could I have done more?
will experience the agony and ecstasy of parenting today: having so much fun with Patrick at the San Luis Obispo Children's Museum, then having so much trouble getting him out of there.
doesn't think Estey was engaging in hyperbole yesterday when she called it "the greatest day ever".
wonders if you ever wonder what sound byte(s) your life and life's work would be reduced to if running for national office or up for a high-profile appointment.
appreciates the plumber increasing our water pressure, but now every source in the house is so powerful that every time you turn on a faucet you can practically hear "Ode to Joy" accompanying the moment.
is glad that Patrick has taken to saying "No, thanks" instead of just "No". Now if he would just say it a little less...
Summer 2009
is man enough to admit he drank rose last night.
finally removed the no-longer-necessary child safety hinges from the cabinets and drawers, and will now spend the next few weeks reflexively pressing tabs that are no longer there when opening the cabinets and drawers.
took the quiz "How Well Do You Know Sean Boling?" and got 60%.
is wondering who will lead us through these dark times now that Miss California has been dismissed?
gets the sense that his generation is the oldest one not to automatically assume everything was better when they were younger.
has an interesting combination of high school students and middle-aged recovering addicts in his summer school class. I hope the kiddos are paying just as much attention to them as they are to me.
used to think that death by swallowing one's own vomit was urban myth, but that was before watching the first fifteen minutes of "High School Musical 3".
traced the call. It's coming from inside the house! Get out now!
was in a play with Robert Reed, who was on The Brady Bunch with Florence Henderson, who was on the Muppet Show with Kermit the Frog, who was in The Muppet Movie with Steve Martin, who was on Saturday Night live with John Belushi, who was in Animal House with Kevin Bacon.
assures the people of Iran that we are watching and we support--wait, hold on...Tito Jackson is releasing a statement about his brother. Okay, keep revolutionizing. We'll get back to you.
appreciates Estey's ingenuity: when asked to draw a picture of the Feeding of the Multitudes in Sunday School, she drew it from the fish's perspective (a large school with the lead fish saying "Let's get out of here!")
thinks toasters that aren't wide enough to accommodate a bagel are anti-Semitic.
doesn't grunt during brief moments of physical exertion because it hurts; he's just practicing for when it really does hurt in a few more years.
is saying nothing but saying it with exclamation marks!!!!!!!
was treated to some free entertainment this morning by watching his neighbors conduct a yard sale.
is glad we had this conversation.
uses the term "hold on" 67 times per day, on average, which places it slightly ahead of his second-most used term, "just a minute"
crafted a perfectly-articulated summary on the meaning of life in his head this morning while pruning the hedges, and then forgot it when he was done.
watched the Mid-State Fair opening day cattle drive through the streets of Paso with Patrick and Estey. Some of those women on horses should really have worn a bra.
Ah...the Boardwalk. Everyone you've ever crossed the street to avoid, all in one place. Like a sociological experiment, but without a control group.
is grateful to Marie for staying married to him for 11, er...13...no, wait...12 years, as he is pretty sure it is their anniversary today.
thanks to the show Ni Hao Kai Lan, Patrick now follows every one of my answers to his questions with "Can you say it in Chinese?" I am going to have to start making up words in Chinese just so I can stop saying “no” all the time.
just had Patrick tell me I'm "very very smart" for knowing how to unlock his Thomas the Tank Engine carrying case. Odds on how often I will hear that compliment when he's fourteen?
thinks recycling is great because Patrick experiences three times the fun on Fridays via three visits from various garbage trucks: green cans, blue cans, and brown. (And as an added bonus today, the final truck idled in front of our house to call the dispatch office.)
Day Three: goldfish still alive.
thanks John Hughes for giving him a sure fire deal breaker on a first date: ask what their favorite part of the Breakfast Club was, and if they said "the dancing scene", then it was time to get the check.
conducted a brief self-study and found that 33% of the photos he's been tagged in feature a container of wine.
now responds to people who ask "How is _____________(some subject related to the Humanities) going to serve my business career?" with "How is a worthwhile life lived if everything exists to serve your business career?"
is pleased to report that Estey received her Make-a-Plates this morning. No cupboard in a household with kids is complete without some.
is proud to see Estey still so excited about the first day of school, and wonders how many grades that will last. I'm thinking till about 5th grade, with a brief spike in enthusiasm before 8th grade and 12th.
understands there are lots of things he should change about himself, but at the moment wishes being a Giants fan was the first flaw to go.
If there is a silver lining to the budget crunch in CA, it appears that so far more students than usual seem pretty grateful to have a seat in a college classroom and are ready to put in the work. Though I wonder if we're getting some of the best and brightest locals who may have gone immediately to a university a few years back, and are now taking seats from people who needed a chance to see if they could flourish.
has noticed that lately his number of friends is fluctuating between 152 and 156. My friendship is not a stock! It is not a commodity to be traded like hog futures! (runs upstairs to his room and slams the door)
doesn't think it's fair: bark at the moon, you're considered cool; bark at the sunshine, you're some kind of idiot.
Fall 2009
has been impressed with the level of discourse concerning health care that is going on between facebook friends today, and imagines it is because people are so acutely aware that they are debating other people, and not abstract enemies concocted by their favorite pundit.
has conceived a new formula: f=L(e)a. The frequency with which you do something is in direct relation to the likelihood you will erroneously assume you have forgotten to do it.
killing all these ants is starting to make me feel like one of those grotesque human characters in a Pixar animated film.
figures it must be time for a Costco run pretty soon, as our garage isn't stacked to the ceiling with paper products.
notes that while Patrick finds the sea life at the Monterey Bay Aquarium all well and good, hoo boy the escalator. Now there's a source of wonder.
thinks it's been interesting watching the shopping center being built near campus; probably more interesting than it will be to shop there.
is comforted to see the Giants slip quietly out of contention, rather than going down in a sudden burst of flames at the bitter end thanks to the equivalent of a Scott Spezio home run or Solomon Torres start.
has observed that it takes less than a month to build a fully functioning Jack in the Box restaurant from the ground up.
doesn't see words when he glances at the comments board below a YouTube video, just streams of all lowercase or all uppercase letters with occasional spasms of exclamation marks.
meanwhile, struggled to peel the little barcode sticker off of his apple.
has spent this first year on facebook compiling 160 friends, which of course means in 10 years he will have amassed 1600 friends. How comforting he finds this.
has been playing amateur rock historian lately, as Estey has her clock radio tuned to the classic rock station and wants to know who plays each song and a brief summary of their history. It's hard not to adopt a VH1 voice-over tone when responding.
observes that kids on the playground before the school bell rings still fall into the same old categories: loners, gangs of goodness, and packs of nincompoops. And if I am looking back in earnest at my childhood, I must confess I fell into category #3.
is disappointed the cougar phenomenon developed long after he was past his prime age for victimhood.
figures if we all just follow the lead of the tea baggers, we really can take this country back to what it once was: a barren tundra inhabited by warring tribes who are guided by myth and superstition.
admires Jerry Jones for building the world's largest TV room, complete with real live football game in the background.
was surprised to find a fireplace in the new Jack in the Box near campus. Ooh, what a cozy winter hideaway that will be: curling up in a compressed wood chair with a box of jalapeno poppers and a cup of Mr. Pibb.
curses the day the juice box was invented, which assured the beverage industry that 10% of all juice produced will be squirted onto a floor, piece of furniture, or article of clothing.
is sometimes frightened by how much I love red wine.
enjoys looking at artists' renderings of what a commercial construction project will look like when it's completed; so leafy and peaceful, with faceless people whose body language suggests they really don't care that they don't have faces.
enjoys autumn sunsets on warm evenings even more so when they're accompanied by live slide guitar music, a bottle of Meritage, and people he loves.
gets the impression that with all the different networks offering NFL coverage practically every day of the week, there are more former players and coaches offering analysis on TV than there are current players and coaches on the field.
listened to 'Stairway to Heaven' beginning to end for the first time in about 25 years. It came on the car radio, and I figured, why not? What's one more time? Now maybe I'll cover one of my books with brown paper from a grocery bag and write the lyrics on it during class tomorrow.
had a status update, but set it free, and it didn't come back, so I guess it was never really mine to begin with.
is noticing that on the whole, students would rather comment on things than analyze them.
wonders why I'm reading so many hypothetical questions in these essays. Are they afraid to make statements? Does it relieve them of owning their thoughts? Is it covering for a lack of thought? Do they just think it sounds good?
will not be quoting Balzac anymore in class because somebody thought I said "Ball Sack".
imagines literary agents and publishers all over the country asking their clients, "So have you considered writing something with vampires in it?"
remembers an old saying.
won't do it, but is tempted to utilize the ghouly skeleton Halloween decoration hanging from our tree that tends to make the kids nervous as a behavior calibrator, as in: "You'd better be nice, or the skeleton's going to get you."
is pretty sure that when young men say they are really interested in a certain culture, what they're really saying is that they are very turned on by the women of that culture.
swears he's been breaking out more since he started downloading music he listened to in juior high.
missed my fantasy basketball draft in order to take the kids to the Zoo Boo at the Atascadero Zoo. Hmm. That was supposed to sound noble, but now that it's out there, it just sounds dorky.
is recording lab scores, which are on a scale of 1 through 10, and finds himself imitating Bruno Tonioli from Dancing with the Stars everytime he writes down a number.
is not only looking forward to trick-or-treating with the kids tonight, but also to tomorrow when sales events will no longer be labeled "spooktacular" until next fall.
thinks it would be fun to get up and set the clocks back at 3 a.m. when the change is actually supposed to happen, so he's going to...no. Actually, that would be really stupid.
voted Yes on Measure A-09 this morning. Not exactly "Yes We Can" vs. "Country First", but what can I say, we like to vote in this town.
is unnerved by facebook's constant suggestions that I poke old friends and family members.
told Patrick that he had to eat Cheerios in the living room instead of Life because "Life is too messy." Indeed.
should really thank our neighbor who mounted that enormously high wattage light above his front door, because now we never have to turn the lights on in our house.
is sending out an advisory to all who may visit us in the near future: Estey is now fond of surreptitiously recording people's voices/conversations on her MP3 player. I told her if this goes on for very long I shall have to call her J. Estey Hoover.
notes another fine line of many: holler at somebody in person it's called verbal abuse; holler at somebody on their radio and it's called entertainment.
read yet another essay in which a student discussed the value of a "collage" education and how important "collage" is. I assume she meant 'college', but please do not take my assumption as devaluing mixed media artwork in any way.
started Jay Cutler for the first time this week in one of his fantasy football leagues, so as a Niner fan, I'm going to go ahead and claim that I took one for the team. Holla! (Man, I can't even write that without sounding white).
notes that his is the only car in the parking lot this morning, and can now imagine a day in the future when he will turn down an appointment to some committee and respond to any administrator who questions his dedication with, "You know, there are mornings that mine is the only car in the lot."
likes to announce when a food product is "Gluten Free" with a Swedish/Minnesota accent.
Winter 2009/2010
knows that it's probably wiser to make sure all the Christmas lights work before decorating, but that takes the suspense out of flipping the switch.
finds it amusing that one of Estey's friends in the backyard asking Patrick to say certain words and then laughing hysterically about his pronunciation has a speech impediment of her own. Hey, kid! Let me hear YOU say "caterpillar". Okay, now say "Creole" and "emblematic".
notes how fickle the relationship between colors and days of the week can be: Black Friday? Potentially big retail earnings and a boost to the economy. Black Sunday? Blimp flies into a football stadium.
It's Sunday, and you know what that means: Feel the power of 49ers football! Can you feel the power of 49ers football!? Can you? Maybe? Just a little? A static electric spark of some sort? On your finger?
for one, is shocked and stunned that the world's most famous and wealthy athlete appears to have screwed around. Time to open a bottle of Syrah and play Don Henley's "End of the Innocence".
invites you to stay tuned immediately after this status update for a special feature: "Behind the Scenes: The Making of This Status Update".
swears he can hear the pictures of people who have been appearing on his friend suggestions column for several months without any reciprocation saying, "Oh yeah? Well we don't like you, either!"
doesn't care whether people wish him a "Merry Christmas" or a "Happy Holidays", as long as it's sincere.
is learning so many interesting things from this stack of research papers; for instance, did you know it's a good idea to spay/neuter your pet? Or that it's a bad idea to enter toddlers in beauty pageants? (deep sigh)
likes to think of himself as being rather conscientious, but then spends ten gallons of water trying to chase a single Cheerio down the kitchen sink drain and has doubts.
Lights? Dancers? Jesters? Bad Company sure had some lame rock n' roll fantasies.
absent-mindedly pulled a tissue from the box for no reason, so he then blew his nose for no reason (other than to keep the tissue from going to waste).
can't help but feel a bit skeptical when a student hands me an essay and says, "You're gonna love this."
just remembered the point he was going to make in that conversation he was having at that party a couple days ago. Dang. Would've been a good one, too.
marvels at how fast my little girl is growing up. She mentioned that she "daydreamt" about how her school play will look (using the correct form of an irregular verb). Then she showed me how accurately she can forge my signature.
just read that attending college is going to help this person "get a head", which is really good news, since it's pretty much impossible to go through life without a head.
had a Le Cuvier 2001 Cabernet Sauvignon with dinner last night, and you did not.
is looking forward to when my kids understand that "give me a minute" does not mean spending the duration hovering by my flank asking when a minute is up.
sees that the Philadelphia Eagles have a LeSean and a DeSean on their team. I never realized my name was just a root word.
realizes that even if he does come up with some grand solution to the issues he mulls at 3 o'clock in the morning, it's unlikely he'll be able to do anything about it at that hour or even remember it in the morning...and yet he mulls.
notices that the craft kit/trunk Estey received for Christmas proclaims that it "includes 1000 pieces!". As if this is good news.
is convinced Starbucks Corp. pays that same professorial-looking older couple with the T.S. Eliot glasses to hang out and read the NY Times in all locations, as they were even sitting in the Coalinga, CA store this afternoon. If you’ve driven through Coalinga, you know how surprising this is. If you can’t recall whether you’ve driven through Coalinga, I’ll give you a hint: feedlot off of I-5 with 10,000 cows in it. Hope your windows were rolled up if you did.
was first to put up Christmas decorations in the neighborhood, and is now the first to take them down. Yesssss.
and Patrick were hanging out on the wharf and these girls were totally checking us out.
rang in the New Year folding Patrick's laundry and watching Ten Greatest Draft Busts on NFL Network.
notices that when Marie is out of town, the dishwasher is filled almost entirely with bowls and spoons.
heard from Marie last night, and among other items, learned that all the little boys in the village are in love with Estey. I also heard Estey in the background expressing her displeasure at Marie for sharing this information.
has no problem saying twenty-ten instead of two thousand ten, because we never said “one thousand nine hundred ninety nine” back in the 20th century.
, inspired by the Best of the 80s satellite radio station playing at the Yogurt Swirl, has decided it would be in our best interests to Wang Chung tonight.
figures it's about time to pick up that crumpled post-it note that's been lying in the hall by the base of the wall for a week. But then I'll have to take it all the way to the waste paper basket. That could take seconds. Guess I'll just put in my pocket, forget it's there, then find it in the lint screen of the dryer next week, then scrape the contents of the lint screen into the waste paper basket. There. Done.
just completed a successful tour of the Paso-area Starbucks stores in search of one with pumpkin bread available (Patrick's favorite). On a side note, I had to look up "successful" to make sure I was spelling it successfully.
, when watching Dora the Explorer, always gets the impression that when Boots the Monkey hollers at the viewing audience to "Say map! Say map!" he is about to follow it up with "mother****ers". As in: “Say map, mother****ers!”
thinks Barney is fine; it's the child actors on Barney who are the problem.
realizes that when he tells student-aged folk about something he did in 1985, it's equivalent to someone in 1990 telling him about something they did in 1965.
heard from Marie in the Philippines: she and Estey (and family) drove out to a lovely, somewhat secluded stretch of the coast that has no big resorts, just rental huts...with video karaoke machines in them.
had a great day with Patrick at the Monterey Bay Aquarium; practically had the place to ourselves. The captain says it was the best day ever, but then he also said that yesterday after spending the afternoon on the McDonalds play structure.
oh, to be young and in possession of a digital camera, the whole world nothing but a backdrop to take pictures of yourself and your friends in front of, again and again and again until you all like what you see.
stood in the garage for a minute, convinced he had come in there with a purpose, scanning the shelves for some sort of answer. Then something white with a cellophane-wrapped shine caught his eye, and the mind once again sharpened: paper towels.
is heading to SFO with Patrick to pick up the ladies.
"We didn't come here to ride the escalators," he hissed into his son's ear as the boy grunted and whined while trying to squirm out of the improvised wrestling hold. And then, as if it had been decided they had suffered enough, his wife and daughter emerged from behind a luggage cart. "Mommy! Estey!" the little boy shouted repeatedly while sprinting toward them, erasing the immediate past as he ran.
loves to hear "Daddy, I did it myself"...but when it comes from the next room, it creates a bit of suspense.
establishes the over/under on how many times the word "connection" will be used on The Bachelor this season at 120.
decided to run a little water through his hair to activate the gel before class, and haphazardly splashed half the water across the front of his pants. Spent a lot more time behind the podium than usual in the first hour. Vanity kills. Or at least embarrasses.
wishes you all a day filled with capital letters and exclamation marks (the enthusiastic kind, not the angry kind).
notices that every time a registered sex offender signs up for classes and we plaster his photo all over campus, he pretty much looks like a registered sex offender.
received an e-mail from a student who says she missed the first week of classes because she was afraid of the rain. Boy, wait till she sees the photograph of the sex offender on all the doors.
can only assume that the house next door, where Estey's friend lives, has no food and no bathroom in it.
noticed while taking out the waste/recycling cans this morning for pickup that we generated less garbage this week; I would like to read something more into this, but am not sure it would be legitimate.
drove home through the Salinas Valley under a full moon feeling very grateful to have known Fran Swenson.
beheld the power of Oprah once again the other day as Marie handed me a vegan ice cream sandwich with the assurance "Alicia Silverstone loves them."
observes that Patrick loves to take his own temperature, over and over again, and is glad the household thermometer is the kind that goes in your ear.
hopes he never again finds himself surrounded by two men talking on bluetooths while using the urinals, though he supposes this will become fairly common in time.
also thinks bluetooth systems have unwittingly helped provide camouflage for people who hear voices and talk to themselves. But enough about bluetooths (blueteeth?)...
loves this opening to a student essay I just read: "I think that most people would agree that the lethality of a 50,000 volt electric chair is significantly greater than the lethality of a 5,000 volt electric chair. However, is this really the case?"
is starting to enjoy the coffee Marie brought home from the Philippines so much that he feels like eating lunch in the garage and fanning himself with a magazine.
has seen so many examples lately of people performing so impressively at an age when you'd expect them to be in decline: Bruce Springsteen, Brett Favre, Clint Eastwood. On the other hand, there's The Who.
may be reading too much into Super Bowl advertisements, but if they do in fact have anything to say about us, it's that we have a lot of men in our midst deeply paranoid about being emasculated. That, plus they think tightie whities are hilarious.
just noted someone spelling the number fourteen as "fort teen", which strikes me as a great name for an under-21 dance club (all lowercase letters included).
would now like to do his impersonation of Patrick learning to ride his bike this afternoon: "Help me!" "I wanna do it myself!" "Help me!" "I wanna do it myself!" "Help me" "I wanna do it myself!"...which I guess pretty much sums up parenting in general.
might be tempted to grow his beard if it didn't come in four different colors: brown, blonde, red, and grey...like Neapolitan ice cream with freezer burn.
when asked for a definition by Estey, said that "cheesy" means "corny". For a culture that enjoys their food, our food metaphors tend not to be very flattering. But so be it; now she knows how to describe the music of Frank Stallone.
has been with Marie for a decade and a half, and the key word is "calming", as for every moment of tension between us, there are dozens of other moments in which potential anxiety is alleviated thanks to her presence. Thank you, Beets. Without you I'd be a mass of idiosyncrasies and cynicism.
notices that the producers of Survivor expanded their definition of 'Villains' to include the socially inept and dim witted.
tried not to, but still cracked up for the 10th straight Winter Olympics upon hearing the name Dick Button.
concludes that children's books with lift-up flaps and sound effect buttons add nothing to the reading experience other than several extra minutes per page when trying to get the kids to bed.
can't complain. Well, actually he can. He's quite good at it, in fact. But he shouldn't complain.
has breaking news from one of my student essays: The state of California is facing a huge defecate.
thinks the sad thing about these figure skaters who come in 20th place or so at the Olympics is that the moves they can't complete now in competition will be totally nailed by them later when they're dressed like Cookie Monster in an Ice Capades show.
is grateful to think that just when you figured things couldn't get any more fun in Paso, some good friends win a contest to tour the tasting rooms in a '47 Chrysler limousine and invite you and your wife to tag along with them. Thank you, Tatia and Harry.
discovered that sitting in the window booth of a McDonalds right off Highway 101 on a Sunday afternoon is like attending a human aquarium: lots of road trippers in stretch pants getting out to stretch.
reluctantly accepted Estey's invitation to a tea party, so I put on some comfort-fit jeans shorts and an airbrushed 'wolf howling at the moon' t-shirt, made a sign with Obama sporting a Hitler mustache, then burst into her room screaming about socialism, and there she was with her little tea set and stuffed animals. Clumsy me. I need to spend less time in the blogosphere.
doesn't intend to sound like an old curmudgeon, but must say that when I was a kid, there were no children's fashions, only small clothes.
has the best intentions, but honestly seems to be going more of a light green.
resisted the urge to wear a shirt simply because he hadn't worn it in a long time, and will instead bring it along for the next trip to the Goodwill.
had to read the sentence several times before he realized that when she wrote "higher Archie" she meant to say "hierarchy". I swear I'm not making this stuff up.
used to occasionally wake up with a stiff neck/shoulder, but now such things can happen at any time of the day, with little warning, and for longer durations. My name is Sean Boling, and I am a middle-aged man.
confesses that this morning he was faced with clicking on the story of the Chilean earthquake on one hand, or clicking on a story which claimed to reveal the identity of the man Carly Simon sings about in "You're So Vain" on the other...and went with the Simon story first. I will read up on Chile once I have screamed insults at myself in the mirror for several minutes. (Oh, and just so you know: David Geffen).
Spring 2010
recalls the words of his dear Grandma Helen: "I don't know why, but this wine sure tastes good." Turns out one reason is hitting the trail with Keri, Roger, Peggy, Natalie, Tommy, and Kenny. Thanks for a perfect day.
thinks maybe that lady with ten kids had ten kids so she could tell everyone she has ten kids.
finds it's pretty fun having the neighborhood kids playing around the front yard and the garage while he's doing yard work, even though he only likes about 40% of them.
passes by a vacant lot in town where a nursery once stood; nothing left but a few sagging trellises and splintery wooden flower beds; this time of season some annuals start to bloom--snapdragons, marigolds, periwinkle--springing up randomly and beautifully in otherwise decrepit patches of ground, and they remind me of people who are no longer a large part of my life, but who left some hearty seeds.
, knowing he'll have to repeat the gag dozens of times and be treated to imitations of himself doing it for weeks, asks himself in the split seconds before making his kids laugh: "How badly do I want this?"
would still request baby bouncies rather than slow rollies if he played kickball tomorrow.
is staring at the sticker Patrick just put on the back of my hand, which says "Nice Try" under a yellow happy face. Since he can't read yet, I won't project anything symbolic into it. At least I'll try not to.
just got back from the park and is wondering if it's the Doritos and soda that make kids hyper and abrasive, or if Doritos and soda in the hands of a seven-year old indicate a household where the word "no" is little used or lightly regarded.
is drifting through work today feeling very grateful for having known Diedra. She was one of my favorite parts of the 80s and 90s, and clearly became one of the strongest women of the 21st century.
while living in New York many years ago, thought it would be fun to hit the Irish pubs on 2nd Avenue one St. Patrick’s Day, but then found people hunched over and throwing up in front of each pub. Of course it wasn't on a Wednesday that year. It was on a Tuesday.
while opening up the lab for a hallway of waiting students, said "Come on in the lab, and see what's on the slab." Nothing. Crickets. A small sample size, yes, but I'm thinking perhaps Rocky Horror Picture Show has run its course and not been picked up by the next generation(s). Then again, it may have been a bad impersonation.
figures most things are pretty difficult; it's just a matter of whether it's a rewarding, irritating, or sad form of difficulty.
wonders if it's bad form to have a glass of wine in hand while sitting on the trunk of the car monitoring the kids as they ride their bikes in front of the house.
appreciated seeing such a wide variety of people paying tribute to a life too brief and very beautiful, including some good old friends, and some people with whom I realize I should have been good friends back when I had the chance. I'll add "assessing character" to the list of things in which she was one step ahead of me. She will be missed, and she will be loved.
should have held that door open for one more second. Sorry about your wrist, ma'am!
may have a daughter who is no fan of the Twilight series, but that doesn't stop him from being a staunch member of Team Edward. He's the one who turns into Aqua man, right?
sees once again as the sun sets and the kids and their parents come in for dinner, our neighbors across the street emerge from their garage for three minutes of shooting baskets with their kids while smoking a cigarette, unburdened of the possibility of having to socialize with anyone.
has made his peace with the fact that when a DJ on an oldies station says he's going to play some James Brown, what he means is that he is going to play "I Feel Good".
checked out the new Subway restaurant the other day, and oddly enough it is pretty much the same as the other six Subways within a five-mile radius of each other. That unisex bathroom was fun, though. Was I supposed to lock the door?
had a fun day being Dad at Estey's birthday party yesterday, while managing to adhere to the Father's Birthday Party Bargain: no cold centers in the burgers, and no America's Funniest Home Videos moments with the piñata. Signed, sealed, delivered.
in assessing the gifts Estey got for her birthday, was told that those electronic hamsters that are all the rage are called Zhu Zhu pets, and I thought she said Zasu Pitts, but didn't say so, because nobody knows who Zasu Pitts is anymore, and I barely remembered knowing who she was back when I kind of knew who she was.
can't imagine that watching a quarterback prospect in shorts and tennis shoes on a practically empty field pretend to take a snap from center, run away from imaginary pass rushers, and hit the equipment manager in stride is the moment that makes the NFL coaches and GMs in attendance think, "Man, we really have to draft this guy." Sure gets that prospect a lot of coverage on ESPN, though.
found the computer mouse in my office had fallen under the desk, way towards the back, and as I was stretching for it said, "C'mon, man", then realized that according to the age-old question, you can't say that to a mouse; one is either a man or a mouse.
figures someone once told that guy holding court in the student lounge that he had a great laugh. I wish someone had not.
believes at this point in his development Patrick's career path is gravitating towards product tester, exam designer, risk management, lab scientist...anything that involves testing.
finds there's something about hundreds of acres of wildflowers that makes people wander through them in a reflective daze, as though they appreciate the beauty but are half expecting James Mason or Morgan Freeman to appear in a white suit and explain how it all works and what comes next.
always appreciates coming back to Santa Cruz for a visit with Marie because she lets me know as we drive along which businesses are "still there" and which ones are "new" , as in "That Fosters Freeze is still there" and "That bakery is new". Kind of like a non-senile version of the dad in Forget Paris.
still considers the drive along Highway One between Santa Cruz and San Francisco to be one of the great drives in the world. Of course, having Swensons on one end and Sigrists on the other helps.
finds "Who Do You Think You Are" to be an interesting show, not only to watch a celebrity trace their familial roots, but to see how the number of vanity shots of them staring emotively into the distance or strolling pensively through an exotic location tends to rise in relation to how close they are to the edge of professional oblivion.
is very grateful that Patrick's birthday present was easier to assemble than I thought it would be. Who'd a thunk putting together a mini Jeep the size of a rider mower would be easier than extracting a Hot Wheel from its box? Of course, most things are easier than extracting a small toy from its box these days.
is trying not to get too irked when students say "I'm not sure if this is what you wanted." Me. As if I invented the rules of effective rhetoric.
is convinced that what often comes across as patience in parents is really just surrender.
spent the day inside with Patrick, who was feeling under the weather, and discovered that Hebrew National hot dogs pair really well with an '05 Sangiovese-Zin blend.
On the one hand students didn't know what the Cold War was; on the other hand they also didn't know who Heidi Montag is; we'll call it a draw for the day.
thinks that woman in the Bed, Bath & Beyond apron and name tag standing underneath the "Grand Opening" sign smoking a cigarette and hocking loogies will really generate some excitement about the new store.
senses that Christopher Walken impersonations are becoming this generation's Ethel Mermen impersonations.
has developed a curious psychological response to the phenomenon of women getting tattoos across their chest: rather than seeing their decorated cleavage, he sees Mike Tyson's face.
was going to draw a picture of Mohammed, but drew one of Vida Blue instead.
is reaching that point in the semester when he figures it's about time to mention to that certain handful of students that they have been misspelling his name on their paper headings all semester.
, with an 8-year old and 4-year old in the house, nowadays isn't the least bit bored with having to wait in a dentist's chair for a long time while the hygienist takes care of other business. No magazines necessary, thank you...the quiet room and padded head rest are just fine. In fact, let's double the co-pay and keep the meter running.
has been told several times by Patrick this morning that his shorts have pockets in them.
Older Student: "Can I just kick it here?" Me: "Kick what? Oh...you mean stay here. Sure" Which begs the question: who is more out of touch...the person who uses out-of-date slang, or the person who forgets the meaning of the out-of-date slang?
sees that abandoned couch and camper shell with the cardboard "FREE" sign in front of them a good fifty yards up the gravel driveway right next to the broken-down house on that downtrodden ranchette just outside of town, and figures either the residents were too lazy to drag the items street side, or they're being used as bait to capture and eat anyone who tries to take them.
is reminded today of how staggering the differences are between reading/grading a good research paper and a bad one; pure delight versus pure agony.
is within reason.
sees that the new neighbors moved in last night. Drum roll please....
finds that being a judge in a winemakers competition mostly involves spitting, contemplating, and writing. Kind of like a baseball manager filling out his lineup card.
can't believe that thing that happened in that place with that person! What an outrage! I'm outraged! It's outrageous! This shows that our country is going down the drain! This proves that the past was better than the present! No outrageous things happened in the past! If I could only live in the past I would not be so outraged! Take me, oh past! Ravage me with your perfection!
Happy Mother’s Day, you mothers!
is sighing (*SIGH*)...yet another acquaintance from around town asked me, "Do you still work at Cuesta?" as though asking if I still work at the movie theatre. I can't imagine anyone bumps into any instructors in Palo Alto and asks, "Do you still work at Stanford?"
has a student who isn't sure whether she supports same sex mirage or not. I suppose I could tell her that if it truly is a mirage, then it's not an issue after all.
finds it odd when clicking on some friend's photos they've been tagged in and it's part of someone's photo album he doesn't know, and he eventually winds up sifting through the other photos in the album of total strangers. It's like a micro version of sliding into senility.
thinks that the current...wait, hold on...THERE. MUCH BETTER. NOW MY POINT IS SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT. NOW IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I SAY BECAUSE I BEAT YOU TO THE CAPS LOCK KEY SO I WIN. THERE IS NO NEED TO REASON WITH ME BECAUSE RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. HE WHO WRITES IN ALL CAPS RULES THE WORLD. AND NOW FOR THE EXCLAMATION MARKS: !!!!!!!!!!!!!
continues to be astounded at how often, in a vast parking lot filled with cars, the person coming out of the store at the same time as you is also parked right next to you.
could have sworn the neighbors were out of town, what with no cars in front, the garbage cans left out for days after pick-up, and newspapers piling up at their door...but then noticed that the porch light has been on 24 hours a day. I’m convinced. I guess they really are home.
is going see the glass as half full today and try to take comfort in knowing that in a world full of uncertainty and unknowns, the Giants will lose to the Padres every single time they play them.
was treated to another reason by a long-time local on why things were better in the old days in our town: there was a slaughterhouse down by the river to where the ranchers could drive their herds. Mmm. That must have been a great place to bring the kids on a field trip.
is reading through final essays and stumbled upon this nugget: "most people have cell phones instead of a land mine." And thank God for that. I can't imagine going back to a time when we all had a land mine.
wonders if there exists any children who don't like to pull leaves and bulbs off of plants--sometimes deliberately, sometimes absent-mindedly--but always pulling and plucking, dragging branches and stems through their clenched fists, again and again, leaving nothing but a stick behind them and a handful of once-living loveliness dead in their palm. And what's the fascination with it, anyway? Any ideas?
likes having new towels, but doesn't like having to scrape pieces of new towel off of his face during the first several days of using them.
went to a wedding at the event hall inside the Mid-State Fairgrounds and spent some of that time wandering around the deserted grounds with Patrick, pretending we were the father and son in The Road; well, at least I did. He did seem a bit confused when I held him by the shoulders, stared at him wild-eyed and whispered intensely, "It's my job to protect you! I will kill anyone who tries to harm you!"
finds life imitates art (or at least commercials) in the case of power tools, as upon finishing a session of vine and shrub trimming, can't help but stand there with hedge trimmer in hand, looking over his handiwork with a self-satisfied nod.
made a discovery of his own today at the San Luis Obispo Children's Discovery Museum with Patrick: said museum has many more nannies than mommies than does the Paso Robles Children's Museum.
would think at this point that someone in the room, when pitching ideas for a commercial featuring a NASCAR driver, would say to the person who suggests a scene in which the driver does some mundane task around the house and has a pit crew assist him: "Nah, that's been done before. A lot. In fact, in pretty much every commercial featuring a NASCAR driver." But nobody ever says that. Instead they say, "Great idea."
was grilled by Estey over her class picture: who looks the nicest, who looks the funniest, who has the best smile. I didn't think there would be any wrong answers to such questions, but apparently there are.
was proud to see that the Central Coast is the fifth most popular Memorial Day Weekend driving destination for LA residents according to AAA, right after San Diego, Las Vegas, The Grand Canyon, and San Francisco, but then wondered where else is there after those five? Laughlin? Phoenix? Tahoe is a bit hard to get to, as is Yosemite. So really we're in last place of the drivable vacation spots.
Headline in Chronicle: "Matt Cain Pitches One-Hitter"; Giants Fans to Themselves: "So, did they win?"
was initially annoyed with Patrick for wanting to walk through the softball field compounds yesterday before getting in the car after playing in the park, but was ultimately grateful, for now I no longer have to consider joining a team since apparently it requires at least one of the following characteristics: man boobs, tattoos, and/or a life of crime.
knew it was going to be a great party when he found himself in the backyard beforehand hosing off the bacon grease from the baking sheets.
Summer 2010
sees from one of our second story windows that the neighbor's weeds have grown so high in the backyard that you can't even see their dogs anymore, just random movements of the high grass; it's like having our own little Serengeti Plain next door.
“Hello Ally? This is Sean Boling. You asked your sister-in-law to give me your number. So I hear you’re taking your son to visit Cuesta and you may have some questions.” “Well..we already visited.” “And do you have any questions?” “We’re going to visit Santa Barbara College today.” “Any questions about Cuesta?” “We were there two days ago.” “And no questions?” “We were already there.” “Okay then...bye.”
just got back from the park where Patrick fell in line with a summer day camp group and freeloaded off of their activities. Hmmm...I'll bet there's at least one group like that at the park every day. Imagine the savings.
is pretty sure he would never cut down a perfectly healthy tree in front of his house; but if he did, he is positive he wouldn't put a paper mache statue of the Virgin Mary de Guadalupe on the stump and drape Christmas tree lights over it.
finds the question "What is the shortest distance between two points" to be completely irrelevant when it comes to his kids; there are no straight lines, only repeated requests, cajoling, and threats of punishment.
, while driving, sometimes has to remind himself where he is going. And come to think of it, when not driving, has to constantly remind himself where he is going.
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