McLIFE CRISIS
by
Darrel D. Miller
SMASHWORDS EDITION
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PUBLISHED BY:
Darrel D. Miller on Smashwords
Be Sarcastic:
Copyright © 2011 by Darrel D. Miller
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Recently Ronald McDonald was reported as having a midlife crisis (this was independently reported, McDonald's own inquiry came up empty). The Company, McDonald's, is considering the fact that Ron may be out of date (when has a red afro and yellow jumpsuit ever been in?), and there isn't much they can do to revamp his image (too bad Kevorkian is dead, we need a Clown Assisted Suicide Stat). This made me think, what would happen to a clown that has a midlife crisis (ok, not a world shattering philosophical question, but one I CAN answer)? Would his wig recede? Would his feet shrink? Would his nose turn another color? Would he exchange his small car, for a smaller car?
I feel sad for Mrs. McDonald (is he married?), because her husband Ron, would leave her for a Supersized McBimbo (the newest thing on the dollar menu). Would he supersize both of them, make it a complete meal, or just one.
As I looked into Mid Life Crisis more I learned that it is almost an exclusively western phenomenom (And one I am periously close to having). And that fact comforted me, because it is nice to know something is still made in America (what we need to do is export that, then we would be a superpower again.) Then I wondered if history had a midlife crisis, and it turns out it did. Its called the Middle Ages (and it had the enlarged belly to prove it), it was called the Enlightenment, a time when the world left its Old Lady (Catholicism), for a new bitch (Protestantism) (seems like the world needs to do something like that again.)
As continued to examing the literature on midlife crisis (is it “es”, or “us”). Midlife Crisiseseses, the symptoms seemed to fit Ron McDonald very closely (and if they didn't I made them fit). So lets break those down (something that is happening to Ron as we speak).
1. A period of self doubt: This fits because McDonalds (the only thing that is fit at the restaurant) is trying to shed its freewheeling past (as well as the weight) as a junk food innovator to proclaim the healthfulness of its food (a herculean feat heretofore only accomplished by the Republican party). We all know what they do so well: they make crappy, sub-par food; taste irresistible. And we know for certain that they are going through this symptom because we can taste it.
2. Extramarital Affairs: No doubt buy one get one free and two for the price of one (this would be a great promo for plastic surgeons too), are just euphemisms for this symptom that I do not even need to make the connection. To add to it, though, it should be pointed out that Extramarital affairs, much like McDonald's food, have hidden costs (though the effects of an extramarital affair may be more tenable).
3. Empty Nest Syndrome: it is sure this is a valid symptom as they have just released the Big Kids Leave Home Meal. Previously this would be known as the insanely high matriculation rate of employees.
4. Unemployment: Ron is having a tough time keeping employed, but only because any clown can flip burgers. (note: clowing is not unskilled labor, but Ron makes it look like it)
5. Underemployment: For McDonald's employees, there is no other kind. (perhaps we also now have a McEconomy as well.)
6. Hating your Job: Ron is obviously feeling this, why you can see it on his face, everyday he has to paint on a smile.
7. Spending Money on Big Ticket Items: McDonald's puts playgrounds inside. Which isn't that hard, but how do they get the sunshine in there?
8. Changing Physical Appearance: McDonalds has gone from being known as the place of the golden arches, to the place of the golden humps. Which is what they are doing to us.
9. Hanging Out with Younger People: As a clown that is kind of his job, so he was primed for a Midlife Crisis. (although it seems increasingly that young people are not all that thrilled with clowns.)
10. Abuse of Alchol: As unfortunate as it may seem, this is the most obvious sign. This is because Lying is a major part of this symptom. And what does McDonalds constantly claim about their food, that it is good for you. Lie. (Well okay, it may not be that bad for us, its just that we eat Fast Food for a majority of our meals. Whose fault is that?)
Even with all the evidence I realize that many people will not be convinced that Ron McDonald has decided to sell the farm, but I am hoping that it is true. That he really is going through a Midlife Crisis, that he does buy a newer smaller hamburger mobile, and rides off into the sunset to never bother us again.
That’s a happy ending good enough for a fairy tale or masseuse.
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