SELFISH OR SELFLESS
WHICH ONE ARE YOU?
by
Eric M. Watterson
Published by SON Enterprises
Copyright 2010 Eric M. Watterson
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Unless otherwise noted, all scripture quotations are taken from the King James Version of the Bible.
* * * * * * *
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Your Side Can Change Based On:
Questions to Ask When Desiring to Change Sides:
* * * * * * *
“ Warning! ”
The material in this book is designed for Mature Readers Only! Not mature in age, mature in mind. Only the strong, and able to change, will be able to consider this information. Thank you!
* * * * * * *
INTRODUCTION
“Everyone thinks of
changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”
~
Leo Tolstoy
Everything we do in life affects someone and something in some way. The simple fact of existence affects the people and conditions around us. If you were to drive your car to the supermarket, pick your groceries, pay for them through the self-checkout line and drive home without speaking to a single person, you still would have affected someone and something, whether you know it or not. For example, whether you live in a house or apartment, if you didn’t live there, someone else could. So, you affect someone in some way. If your house didn’t exist where it is, there could be room for another type of development. So you affect something in some way. If you didn’t live in your apartment it might have been empty and vacant. So you affect something in some way.
“I know that there are
people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like
that!”
~ Tom Lehrer
When you drive your car, someone has to stop their car sooner than they would if you were not on the road to keep from hitting you, and they may or may not make a green light driving behind you, so, you affect someone in some way. If your car was not on the road it would be one less car causing traffic; if your car was not in the parking lot there would be one more parking space available. So you affect something and someone in some way.
When you walk through the supermarket, there are people who operate cameras that observe you to make sure you are orderly and don’t steal. So you affect someone in some way. As you remove the items from the shelves that you need they are now not there for someone else. So you affect someone in some way. Your purchase in the store adds revenue to the bottom line of the store that sold you the goods which also helps to provide continued business for them and the suppliers that they buy from. So you affect someone and something in some way.
As you drive back home, there’s a whole new composite of people and situations that you work with in unison to avoid having an accident by stopping and starting. So you affect someone and something in some way. Once again, as long as there is someone on the road somewhere, there are traffic conditions either light or heavy, so you, once again, affect something in some way. The point we’re making here is that the essence of existence is never singular or solely about the one. As long as you are breathing, you are affecting someone and something in some way…always.
Now that we have established that every person affects someone or something, then the next step is to examine our motives behind what we do. Why did you say it that way? Why did you do it that way? What were you “really” after by doing what you did, saying what you said responding in the way that you did? So the next point is admitting whether the motive behind what you do or the affect that you are having on the people and conditions around you are selfish or selfless. Another way to say that is, what is your motive for life? What drives you? Are you doing things that are selfish or things that are selfless? What type of impact are you having on the people and conditions around you? Let’s take a look.
* * * * * * *
WHAT ARE
THE DIFFERENCES?
THE SELFISH
self•ish [sel-fish] –adjective 1. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others. 2. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.
To be selfish, quite frankly, is to have a motive that is focused on you. It means that you are more concerned yourself in what you think, what you say, what you do and how you respond to others and interact with the world around you. So let’s look at those things a little more closely.
“Selfishness is not
living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one
wishes to live.”
~ Oscar Wilde
* * *
WHAT YOU THINK
When it comes to what you think, your thoughts are always about you and what will benefit you, what will benefit your desires and what will benefit your emotions. Your first thoughts are about yourself and what you need from others or what you need to do for yourself. When people don’t do or give you want you want, you spend time trying to figure out how to get them to give you whatever it is that you want, whether or not the thing you want is actually beneficial to the other person doesn’t really concern you.
Or you may spend your thoughts thinking about what you want and what you need to do to get what you want. Once again, the affect it may have on other people is not a concern of yours. Why else would people steal or take from others? Because, they are their main concern, not the other person. If someone doesn’t give you what you need you immediately question why they didn’t give you what you wanted or needed.
* * *
WHAT YOU SAY
What you say is spoken from the standpoint or position that will benefit you and what you want or need. Your words are an expression of the thoughts of what you want or need and how you expect others to do what’s needed to help make what you want or need happen. Selfish people often use words to manipulate others to get what they need. Have you ever had someone say things to try and cause a feeling of guilt to rise up within you?
When this is done, the person is trying to use words to bring up the past, switch blame or create the circumstances needed to further whatever their personal motive is. It may be to keep you under control; it may be to get you to do someone; it may an attempt for them to feel better about themselves by making you feel worst about yourself. In any case, the point is for them to use their words with the selfish goal of getting something from you. These are people that use words in a selfish way.
* * *
WHAT YOU DO
The things you do benefit you more than others. It may spill over to benefit others in some way maybe, but in your heart you are the main reason for your actions. If someone else benefits from it that may be nice, but not necessary. One thing about the things people do, is that it may look like a selfless act but in fact it’s a selfish act.
For example, what if a guy was to buy a young lady a nice dress, order her an expensive necklace to wear, take her to an expensive restaurant to eat and then at the end of the night expect her to give her body to him? Were his actions, despite their surface appearance, really beneficial for her if at the end of the day all he wants is use of her body in return for all he did? Not the best example, but clearly displays what I mean. It really takes time to see a person’s true motives but just keep in mind that the motive may be good or selfless, however the motive may be bad or selfish.
* * *
HOW YOU RESPOND
When you respond to people, it’s from the position of something you want for yourself that you either did or did not receive. You respond in ways to try and convince or manipulate others into doing what you need done or you respond to others actions from the standpoint that they either have or have not given you what you want or need.
A response should always be judged once again from a position of motive. However, sometimes the true motive for a response is disguised under other superficial emotions. For example, let’s say that your wife runs out and has a personally shopping spree with her and her girlfriends and charges the credit card to its limit. Ok yes…getting mad is an obvious and probably valid response, but what is the real bottom line? Is the main reason for your anger because she didn’t tell you and you two are a couple and it would have been nice to be consulted? Is the reason for you getting mad that she bought 12 cases of cup cakes and you know you’re gonna eat most of them and get even fatter than you already are? Or is the reason for getting mad because you just got the credit card balance under control and now it’s out of control again? Or is the reason for getting mad because you weren’t treating her right in the first place, so she went out and spent the day buying herself something so she could feel special because you weren’t doing your job at home to make her feel special? All of which express one superficial issue, while the core issue is ignored.
In “The Power of Touch: Enhance, Heal and Grow Stronger Relationships in Just 14 Days”, (Yes…this would be a shameless plug…but I do think it would be helpful. ), I speak of a process that I call “The Path of Why”. It’s simply asking yourself “Why?” at the foundation for every act or thought consistently until you get to the root issue or answer that will end in the realization that whatever was done or said was for someone else’s benefit (selfless) or it was done for your own benefit (selfish).
“Toward no crime have
men shown themselves so cold-bloodedly cruel as in punishing
differences of belief.”
~ James Russell Lowell
* * * * * * *
THE SELFLESS
self•less [self-lis] –adjective having little or no concern for oneself, esp. with regard to fame, position, money, etc.; unselfish.
When you are selfless, your motives, actions and desires extend from you and attached themselves to someone else. You are consistently focusing on others. How you can help them, how you can support them, how you can serve them or in general how you can be a benefit to someone else. People who are selfless are made important by making others important. It’s their way of acting, talking and thinking in ways that in turn cause them to search for ways to help someone else. So let’s look at those a little more closely.
* * *
WHAT YOU THINK
You are often thinking of new ways to be a support to someone else. You are the last one you think of when a situation arises. You are ready to give praise, but seldom take or need it in return, because of your main thoughts are of supporting others.
It’s not that a person who is selfless in their thinking never thinks about themselves, but their thoughts are in a proper perspective of honor and support which are always directed towards someone else first. By doing this their thoughts are always open and growing as they are always thinking of new ways to help and support of someone else.
* * *
WHAT YOU SAY
When you speak to people, you are thoughtful of your words and they are spoken from the internal motive that expresses to others how concerned you are for them and your desire to help them in any way you can. People who are selfless know the importance of words and use words to support and help others. Selfless people don’t use words to hurt or cut others for the sake of trying to make themselves feeling better, even if the other person may deserve the negative words. They live their life from the understanding that they will be held accountable for every word they speak, be it a good word or a bad word. So a wise person would rather be held accountable for the good words that they say and not the bad ones.
* * *
WHAT YOU DO
You do things that are directed towards helping others. You are always willing to help and you find pleasure in it. You understand that helping others may benefit the person that you help in ways that no one else was able or willing to do. You are happy to assist someone else when you can.
When a selfless person can help someone else, they see it as an “opportunity” not a “loss”. An “opportunity” because they are in a position to better someone else’s day or even lives by whatever actions they can do to assist them. It’s not considered a “loss” because they understand that every good deed done for someone else, sets them up for a good deed to be done for them. With that understanding, they know that they will never lose when an act of love or selflessness is performed in the direction of someone else.
* * *
HOW YOU RESPOND
Your words and responses come from a heart and mind that says, “I’m here to help.” When you say things to people it’s not from a self-serving perspective, but from the standpoint of being a help to someone else. You understand the power of your words and actions. What you say and do may cause damage to someone else that could be irreversible, so your words are always considerate and thoughtful, as much as possible.
* * * * * * *
THE
CHANGING OF SIDES
The stances of “selfish” and “selfless” are normally something that the average person switches back and forth between, based on the situation. Sometimes, your actions are selfless and at other times they are selfish. Without a conscious thought of the two opposing sides and making a clear decision to stay on one side, you will always veer back and forth based on the situations and circumstances that you face at any given moment. So let’s examine why people can change sides.
“Differences of habit
and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our
hearts are open.”
~ J. K. Rowling,
* * * * * * *
YOUR SIDE
CAN CHANGE BASED ON:
WHAT YOU THINK
Sometimes you want something so badly that your focus is purely selfish. Your thoughts are from a position of wanting things to go your way, and you’re willing to do whatever you need to do to get what you want. Until the motive behind the thought is truly understood, you will not be able to discover which side you are on or have the ability to adjust your thinking accordingly.
* * *
WHAT YOU SAY
The words we speak are an expression of how we feel, which is rooted in how we think. If what you are feeling at the time you speak is a true concern for someone else, your words will express that. If your thoughts are solely about you, you will speak from that position and be selfish or self-centered. You will not be concerned about the other person and how your words will affect them.
* * *
WHAT YOU DO
You can change sides in what you do because of where your heart is. Your actions are, again, an expression of what you think and say. If your thoughts are about you, then you will say and do what needs to be done to fulfill your “about me” thoughts. If those thoughts; however, are about others, your actions will express an “about you” motive.
* * *
HOW YOU RESPOND
Your responses are expressions of your thoughts and desires. If your thoughts are about you, then your responses will be made from the standpoint of you either getting what you wanted, or not getting what you wanted. If your thoughts are about others, then how you respond to situations will express that.
With all of that said, how you respond is an indication of what is most important to you at the core level: It is you or someone else.
* * * * * * *
WHICH
SIDE AM I ON?
“Glory built on selfish
principles is shame and guilt.”
~ William Cowper
It’s actually very easy to see which side you are on if you just think about it. Take a moment and say to yourself, “Who does it benefit the most?” or, “Why am I really doing this?” If you are truly honest with yourself, you will discover who every thought, word, action or response truly benefits. Based on who it benefits the most helps determines which side you are on, either the side of The Selfish, or the side of The Selfless.
* * *
WHICH
SIDE YOU ARE ON…
…IN WHAT YOU THINK
Are your thoughts mostly about you and what you need to do to get what you want? Do your thoughts include anyone else? Are you upset or disappointed when you don’t get what you want? Are you ever concerned about someone else? Have you ever thought, “What can I do for someone else today?” or, “How can I help someone else be happy today?”
* * *
…IN WHAT YOU SAY
Do you speak hurtful words to others because you are hurt? Do you purposely say things to upset others when you are upset? Are your words structured in ways to help support someone else? Do your words help you and others come together, or do they drive people farther apart? Do you care about the effects that your words have on others? Does it matter to you how hurtful your words can be? Do you use your words to encourage, or destroy?
* * *
…IN WHAT YOU DO
Are you one of those people that is always willing to help? Are you always looking for someone to help? Do you always have to be rewarded for what you do, or is helping others reward enough? Does it give you a special feeling to be able to assist someone else, or does helping others slow you down from other things you want to do?
* * *
Are you even concerned about how you respond to people? Are you one of those people that say, “This is how I am? Take it or leave it?” Does how your responses affect people matter to you at all, or do they just have to get over it? Are you careful to say things in kindness and love, or do you just have no idea what I’m talking about? Would you like for me to shut up now and do you wish you never read a sentence from this book?
I’m just asking.
* * * * * * *
WHY DOES IT MATTER?
“Real education should
educate us out of self into something far finer; into a selflessness
which links us with all humanity.”
~ Nancy Astor
Simply put, it matters quite simply because what you do will be done unto you. If you want good things to happen to you, you are required to do good things to others. The more you can do things that are selfless, the more you can have selfless things done for you. Oppositely, the more you do selfish things to others, the more selfish things will be done to you.
* * * * * * *
SO IT MATTERS…
Your thoughts, either good or bad about others will lead to others to thinking good or bad thoughts about you. Our thoughts are much more important than we think. Thoughts are the beginning of life. You have to think a thing before you can do a thing and everything that has ever been done began first with a thought. Every thought that says what can be done, ends with something being done. While every thought that starts with what can’t be done, ends in nothing being done. Those thought will then lead to what you say.
* * *
…WHAT YOU SAY
What you say, either good or bad about someone else will lead people to say things about you either good or bad. Gossip begets gossip, while if you keep a person’s faults in the secret place of your heart you create a secret place for you in someone else’s heart for your own faults, in the future.
* * *
When you do something for someone, they are that much more willing to do for you. However, when you have asked for someone to do for you it’s likely that the time will come when they will ask for something from you. It’s like “The Godfather” said, “I will do this favor for you. I may never ask for a favor from you in return, but if I do….” Well, you know, he would make you an offer that you could not refuse.
* * *
When you respond, is it based in what you didn’t get or how it didn’t go well for you? Or, is it to help express to a person how they can be benefited by doing something in some way? Does your response express your feeling, or are they beneficial to someone other than you?
* * * * * * *
CAN I CHANGE SIDES?
“Love thy neighbour as
yourself, but choose your neighbourhood.”
~ Louise Beal
The side you stand on is purely based in what’s most important to you. You can, or will, always change sides based on the benefit that you see in doing it, and because you really want to. However, there are a lot of people that see no benefit in helping others, so they never do. There are a lot of people that see the people around them as selfish, so in turn, they see no need to be selfless. There are a lot of people that perceive other people as always thinking only about themselves. This perception is quite wrong, but perception is reality, so they see not need to think about other people. Most of these types of people use a specific thought process to justify their stance and to stay the same, which is, “Somebody’s got to think about me. If I don’t, no one will.” The problem with that thought process, or why of thinking, is until you think often about helping others, you won’t receive other people often thinking of ways to help you. So…do you see the problem yet?
If you are most important in the situation you are most likely to change to the side of selfish, while if someone else is more important to you, you are likely to change sides to the selfless. As we stated earlier, most people go from side to side based on who they are talking to and what the situation is. For example, in one moment you may be “selfless” toward your child as you do whatever you have to do for them. Then, you may switch to “selfish” when talking to your spouse about why they didn’t do what you wanted them to do. This change is sometimes flawless and seamless unless we train ourselves to look for it.
* * * * * * *
QUESTIONS TO ASK
WHEN DESIRING TO CHANGE SIDES:
WHAT YOU THINK
CHANGE
TO THE GOOD SIDE:
Are the thoughts that I’m thinking about understanding them, or are these thoughts about me and what I want?
I wonder if they are responding or acting in a way because I did something or said something to hurt them.
If I do something kind for them we will be on our way to building a better relationship. What can I do to help them?
* * *
CHANGE
TO THE BAD SIDE:
Why aren’t they doing things or thinking in ways that will benefit me?
If they really cared about me, would they have done what was needed to make me happy?
What have they done for me lately? Oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh, yeah!!! So why should I do something for them now?
* * *
WHAT YOU SAY
CHANGE
TO THE GOOD SIDE:
Is the thing I’m about to say going to benefit them or is it going to benefit me?
Are the words I say really what’s best for them and this situation?
Did I say what I said because I wanted to help them or I said what I said to get what I wanted?
* * *
CHANGE
TO THE BAD SIDE:
Did I make it clear to them what they need to do for me?
Was I forceful enough to help them see how wrong they were?
Can I think of anything else to say to get them to do what I want?
* * *
WHAT YOU DO
CHANGE
TO THE GOOD SIDE:
Did that really help them or did it help me more?
What can I do to help someone else today?
How can I help someone else in what they are trying to accomplish to do it better?
* * *
CHANGE
TO THE BAD SIDE:
I really want this, what do I need to do to get it?
How long is it going to take and am I willing to wait that long for it?
How do I find a quicker way to get what I want?
How can I get someone else to give me what I need, or do I just need to take it from them?
* * *
HOW YOU RESPOND
CHANGE
TO THE GOOD SIDE:
Was my response intended to help or hurt?
How can I make sure when I say what I say, it really helps them?
Is this the right time to do or say that, or would another time be better?
* * *
CHANGE
TO THE BAD SIDE:
How should I have said that to get them to respond better to what I wanted?
Should I be nicer to get them to give me what I want?
Since they have what I want, what do I need to do to get them to give it to me?
* * *
So in all these different questions, to be used at different times, in combination with different situations, you can move to a different position. Either Selfish to Selfless, or Selfless to Selfish. However, don’t be fooled. This is work and it takes practice. But it’s work that will return great benefits to you and those around you. Once your life extends from you to others you will see and experience a greater level of love and peace and will have properly positioned yourself to receive selfless acts done to you. Sounds like a worthwhile endeavor right? Hope so!
* * * * * * *
THE CYCLE
“Only those who have
learned the power of sincere and selfless contribution experience
life's deepest joy: true fulfillment.”
~ Anthony Robbins
As we stated earlier, what you do for others will be done for you. There is always a cause and effect to every action. Whatever you do in one direction, will return to you in the opposite direction. The question then becomes not whether or not if “what” you did will be done to you, it’s “when” what you did will be done to you. So lets call Genesis 8:22 (Amplified Bible), “The Cycle,” which says, “While the earth remains, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease.”
As long as there is an Earth, what you sow you will reap. Be it good or bad, right or wrong, you actually deserve by rights of the cycle to harvest back what you sow. So it’s imperative that we take an honest look at what we are sowing or doing from the standpoint of what we expect to harvest or receive.
Let’s quickly look at two ways to consider this cycle.
* * * * * * *
THE MOVING YARD
Consider that every person has a personal lawn, or yard that moves with them. This yard is surrounded by a fence with only enough room for one tree. If you plant in your own yard, you can eat from the fruit that grows on your own one tree. This tree will eventually run out of fruit and you will need to plant again to eat again. However, if you plant into someone else’s yard, they can eat from the fruit that grows as well as you. Now imagine if you have planted into several other people’s yards and there are several trees growing fruit from your seeds that you planted in their yards. How much more fruit is available for you to eat from that you have purposely planted? If you only plant and are concerned about your own one yard and your own one tree, you will only eat when your fruit is available or in season, but if you plant many different types of fruit, you can always get what you need because there will always be a harvest from some tree somewhere. If this were the case, would you have fruit to eat if the tree in your own yard was out of season or had no fruit left? Of course you would, because your harvest of seeds will always be growing somewhere else.
* * * * * * *
THE BUBBLE
Imagine that every action created a bubble. This bubble would grow to encompass the originator of the action and everyone that the action was intended for, but no one else. Each bubble was also totally inclusive, meaning you could only talk and communicate with those inside your bubble. You could not touch or hear anyone else inside another bubble. If your actions were purely about you or for you, your bubble would only grow to contain you. However, if your actions were from you to or for someone else, your bubble would contain you and them. Now imagine if everyone had bubbles in reference to their actions. Those who were doing things just for themselves would be alone in their little bubbles bumping into other people who were alone in their bubbles as well. Both would be doing things for themselves and because of their actions they existed alone, floating through life in the bubble.
However, those who did things for others would have several people residing in their bubble with them, living in their bubble, coming in and out of their bubble that is consistently growing to accommodate all the people that their bubbles consist of or was intended to help. If this were the case, how big would your bubble be? How big would it not be?
* * * * * * *
CLOSING
Of course there will be times when you do what is needed for yourself. When riding on an airplane, the flight attendant explains that in the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down over your head. You are instructed to put your mask on first before helping a child or someone else. Why? Because once you put your own mask on you are in a position to help someone else to put their mask on. You cannot take care of them if you are unconscious. So, there is a need to care for yourself, which is definitely important. However, what we are saying is, does your life consist only about you, or are there others in your life that you take care of? Once you are able to care for another, will you?
If you can begin to make life about service to others in the things you do, it will begin to benefit you in the results you get from life. For example, the largest, most successful companies in the world do one thing very well, “service others.” The more people they serve at a time, the more money they will make and the more benefits they will receive.
If you have very little overall benefit in your life, could it be a sign that your life is really not benefiting someone else?
Just a thought to consider.
* * * * * * *
References Used:
- Bible - King James and the Amplified Version
- The Quotations Page (http://www.quotationspage.com)
- Dictionary.com (http://dictionary.reference.com)
* * * * * *
Thank You
I really hope this book has helped you and your relationships for the better. Life without the people that are important to us to share it with is not really life at all. I sincerely hope and pray that this book has helped!
God Bless!
* * * * * *
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