I
Just Can’t:
How To
Forgive the Unforgiveable
The Path of Forgiveness – Book 2
by
Eric M. Watterson
ConsiderTHIS.tv
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Unless otherwise noted, all scripture quotations are taken from the King James Version of the Bible.
* * * * * * *
Table of Contents
The Benefits to You and Your Future
It Benefits Them and Their Future
Did They Prove Their Position?
Area Three "The Most Holy Place"
Are Your Standards Consistent?
Release Your Right to Be Right
Release the Need to Understand
Release the Need for Agreement
* * * * * * *
Introduction
People Suck! I hate people! People make me sick! People are evil! These are all statements that we may have heard, felt or even said. The reality of whether that is true doesn't matter as much as how important it is for us to forgive and not hold that in our hearts. I heard my father say, "Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." Why? Holding unforgiveness hinders growth in your mind, body and soul. It will drain you like a leech until all of the kindness, warmth, love and pleasant expectations for the future are gone.
"To be wronged is
nothing unless you continue to remember it."
~ Confucius
So, it's not that you should forgive, but that you must forgive. In the last book, we talked about how important it is to forgive. In this book, we will discuss how to forgive that one person you would like to see hang by their toenails over the Interstate, butt-naked during rush-hour traffic. Whether that would be a pleasing sight to behold for you is not as important as you freeing up your heart to expect the best in your future. You can do it, and I strongly suggest that you consider it not as an option, but something that is a must in your heart. Once it moves from something that you may do to something you must do, the process has begun.
With that said, let's discuss a few steps that can help you move toward the ultimate end of forgiving the unforgivable.
* * * * * * *
1. Understand
un-der-stand [uhn-der-stand] verb 1. to perceive the meaning of; grasp the idea of; comprehend: 2. to be thoroughly familiar with;
The Benefits to
You and Your Future
“Forgiveness is almost a
selfish act because of its immense benefits to the one who forgives.”
~ Lawana Blackwell
By forgiving the people who hurt you today, you are opening yourself up for people to love you tomorrow. Despite what you may have heard, what you think and expect from life will be delivered to you. Expect the best and you will receive the best. Expect the worst and it's on its way to you. By holding on to the hurt that you experience, your heart moves through life in a constant state of pain and hurt. By living your life in that state, you begin to expect that behavior from the people with whom you come in contact.
For example, let's say you were married. You gave your life to this person, and for whatever reason they just did not give it back. After years of trying and trying, you came to the conclusion that it's just not going to work. So, you reluctantly decide that divorce is the best option. After getting divorced, you hold on to all the bad situations, circumstances and events that happened during your marriage. If you don't let that go, the "state of marriage" will begin to resemble the "memories of marriage" that you have encountered. Now, every person who has the potential for marriage is immediately judged by your past "memories of marriage" and placed into the "state of marriage" and they will begin to hurt you through your memories, even though the actual act of hurting you has not occurred. However, if you forgive the acts that happened during your marriage, you will give each new person the right to create their own history with you and open up your life to the benefits of the future.
* * * * * * *
It Benefits Them
and Their Future
fu-ture [fyoo-cher] noun 1. time that is to be or come hereafter. 2. something that will exist or happen in time to come:
“Always forgive your
enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”
~ Oscar Wilde
After all that has been done to you, all that has been said about you and after all the pain that you have felt, can you release that person to be happy in life? Even if it’s a life that is separate from your? By letting go of the person that has hurt you, you release them to pursue happiness. This is not something most people would like to address; however, when a person that truly cares about you hurts you, they experience a degree of hurt as well. In our next book we’ll discuss "how to be restored after being forgiven," but in the meantime, please consider this fact – what if the person who hurt you, didn't mean to hurt you, didn't want to hurt you, and is holding on to the fact that they hurt you even more than you are? If you can find the strength and love to let them go, how much greater appreciation will they express for you? How grateful will they be to you?
“'Tis the most tender
part of love, each other to forgive.”
~ John Sheffield
Also, if we are honest, it's hard to talk kindly about a person who has hurt you. It's also hard to not talk about them at all. One of the principles that I like to live by is, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." At the end of the day, every time you speak negatively about someone, you plant the seed for someone to speak negatively about you. To avoid the "harvest of the future," I don't plant the "seed of the present." However, this is very difficult to do if you are walking around with the un-forgiveness, or the realization of the past, still living in your present. Meaning this, if you are living today holding on to what has happened in your past, it is living inside you, alive and well, and you relive it every day. As you live your daily life, you will always speak from where you are today, even if your today was ten years ago. What you express from your heart today is who you are, even if what you are expressing today actually happened years ago.
If you want to be free today, you must first free them of what they did to you. Let go of what they did, how it felt and why it was wrong, and embrace the freedom that you provide them and the possibilities of a new day it opens up for you. There is no greater feeling than to have expressed love beyond bounds by releasing someone of something that was wrong, for reasons that may not be clear, and is simply based on the decision to do so.
* * * * * * *
2. Responsibility
responsibility [ri-spon-suh-bil-i-tee] noun, plural -ties. 1. the state or fact of being responsible. 2. a particular burden of obligation upon one who is responsible
* * *
Accept
Your Responsibility
ac-cept [ak-sept] verb 1. to take or receive (something offered); receive with approval or favor: to accept a present; to accept a proposal. 2. to agree or consent to; accede to: to accept a treaty; to accept an apology.
“I believe in the
forgiveness of sin and the redemption of ignorance.”
~ Adlai E.
Stevenson Jr.
In my warning, I clearly stated that this book and everything we do at "ConsiderThis.tv" is for the mature of mind only. So, from this point on, I want to remind you of that warning and express that what we talk about from here on out is not for the weak. Now, let's discuss a simple fact that people don't always like to address or acknowledge, which is "What part did I play in my hurt?" People can only do to us what we allow them to do. Whether we agree or not, we therefore, open ourselves up to getting hurt, and then become subject to the consequences. Now, please understand try and understand, this section is not meant to downplay any pain you have experienced. It is meant to move you forward. One of the best ways to achieve a goal is to see the goal from every possible view. Consider this view as we move toward the goal of total forgiveness.
* * *
Did You
Trust Too Soon?
trust [truhst] noun 1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence. 2. confident expectation of something; hope.
“It is easier to get
forgiveness than permission.”
~ Stuart's Law of Retroaction
Sometimes we go through life in such high expectation for a thing that the very minute the possibility for that thing presents itself to us, we jump headfirst into a brick wall. This happens simply because we didn't wait long enough for the smoke to clear, so that we could truly see the situation for what it was. For example, a woman who has never been married says to herself, "My prince will come (as he should)." So she meets a nice guy with a good job, treats her well, speaks to her respectfully and is in good shape. After three weeks of communication, she assumes he's the one and starts planning the wedding. She releases her body to him and has sex because there's no need to wait – "He’s the One!" She just knows it! Afterward, he treats her worse, won't return her calls, the gifts stop coming and the conversation is basically null and void. Why?? Because he put up a smoke screen long enough, and she fell for what she could see without waiting until his ability to blow smoke in her face died down, and he ran out of breath. Then she would have been able to see he liked her body, not her mind. He had three other girls he was working at the same time, along with his wife. But, because she trusted too soon, she didn't allow enough time to pass to show her all of what was there to be seen.
If this was you, can you
really blame the dog for biting you when you put your hand inside the
fence in the middle of the night? If you had waited until the
morning, you would have seen the sign at the very top of the fence
that read, "Beware - a Married Man Jerk."
~ unknown
* * *
Did They
Prove Their Position?
prove [proov] - verb 1. to establish the truth or genuineness of, as by evidence or argument: 2. Law. to establish the authenticity or validity of (a will); probate.
“Never does the human
soul appear so strong and noble as when it foregoes revenge and dares
to forgive an injury.”
~ Edward Chapin
Sometimes we avoid recognizing a very simple fact: those that you really love and trust actually earned their place in your heart through experience and time. They, in essence, proved they deserved the position in which you put them. For example, I'm from Philadelphia, and there were many times during the course of growing up that I had to fight my way out of situations. This was before the time of guns in high school (Thank God). When I was in high school, we stood toe to toe and the last man standing won the fight. Once, there was a situation where a neighborhood guy took something from another guy at my church. About seven guys, and I, went to get it back. We found the guys that took it, and I stood in front of them and demanded they return it to my friend.
While I was talking, my friend, Mike, stood next to me, while the others stood behind us, including the guy whose item was taken. After a few minutes of talking, I realized that the item was not going to given back without a fight, so, I turned to ready the guys behind me that we were going to have to take it back. To my surprise, the five guys that were behind me at the start of the conversation were now gone! Only Mike was left with me. Shocked by the fact that we were alone, Mike and I looked at each other and realized why this group of four that took the item would stand up against a group of seven that came to get it back. The group of seven was now actually a group of two, consisting of Mike and myself. Once we realized we were alone, we needed to make a decision. Either run like the others (they were so far gone there was no sign they had ever been there) or hold our ground and endure whatever pain came as a result of that decision.
After a moment of decision, we nodded to each other in what seemed to be an unspoken oath of, "I'm not leaving you." We then turned back to the group of four and resumed our demand that they return to us what we came to get. After the group realized we were still not going to leave, they returned it to us. They either thought we were crazy, or that they couldn't win against us. The point is, we recovered what was stolen.
“Anger makes you
smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you
were.”
~ Cherie Carter-Scott
I share that story to make this point, Mike proved to me and I proved to him, "You can count on me." To this day, over 20 years later, Mike still calls on me and I call on him. Why? We have proven to each other who we are. During the course of our friendship we have not agreed with each other on several occasions, but the respect and trust is there so that we can be honest. We can disagree and we can correct each other because the core of our relationship has been proven to stand, no matter what.
Has the person who hurt you proven themselves to you, or did you open yourself up to an unproven person, and by that receive the outcome of that decision?
* * * * * * *
The Areas
of Friendships
area [air-ee-uh] noun 1. any section reserved for a specific function: the business area of a town; the dining area of a house. 2. extent, range, or scope:
“Life is an adventure in
forgiveness.”
~ Norman Cousins
Every friendship should have a specific place in which they operate in your life. Different people should hold different positions in your heart. In my opinion, one of the best examples of this is found in the Bible. In the Old Testament, the temple of God had different areas where different people were allowed. 1 Kings 7:12 (The King James Version of the Bible) reads, "And the great court round about was with three rows of hewed stones, and a row of cedar beams, both for the inner court of the house of the Lord, and for the porch of the house."
1 Kings 7:50 (KJV of the Bible) reads, "And the bowls, and the snuffers, and the basins, and the spoons, and the censers of pure gold; and the hinges of gold, both for the doors of the inner house, the most holy place, and for the doors of the house, to wit, of the temple." These scriptures speak of "The Outer Court," "The Inner Court" and an area called "The Most Holy Place." Let's apply that same level of division to our heart and discuss why.
* * *
Area One
"The Outer Court"
The outer court is the area where most people can abide. They are your co-workers, distant neighbors and friends. These are people who you know and communicate with but rarely come inside to learn specific information about you, your family and what you do. It's not wrong to have outer court people in your life because you may need them and they may need you, and through time they may move to another place. Until that time, it's good to communicate with people and learn through experiences and situations who deserves to move to Area Two.
* * *
Area Two
"The Inner Court"
The inner court is where people have moved to from the outer court through time or experiences. They now have a bit more access to the more special places in your heart. These are the people you may invite over on holidays or send cards to but for whom you may not actually buy a present. They are close enough for you to think about them. They may know your family and friends and more intimate areas of who you are more than the average co-worker or passerby in the street. However, these people have not necessarily proven themselves ultimately worthy of Area Three.
* * *
Area Three
"The Most Holy Place"
The most holy place is for those special, tried-and-true, there through thick-and-thin people. Those are not necessarily family members because some family members may not always know how to protect and guard you and your heart. We all have that famous, "Cousin Buddy" that comes around on holidays and events, not because he's actually invited, but because he comes along with Aunt Suzy. You can't not have Cousin Buddy come over, because you love Aunt Suzy and Cousin Buddy is Aunt Suzy's son! Also, just because Buddy is family doesn't mean Buddy has the key to the ‘Benz in the garage! It's only for those you know. They know how to drive and care for it as if it were their own. The same thing holds true with your heart. You should have a most holy area where you keep special things sacred. The only people you share this area with are those who have proven they know how to protect, honor and walk around in this area.
“Sometimes the measure
of friendship isn't your ability to not harm but your capacity to
forgive the things done to you and ask forgiveness for your own
mistakes.”
~ Randy K. Milholland
View this area like a very small and special museum. This special museum has very little walking room and several thin pedestals spread about over the floor. On each pedestal is a very precious item with a small card explaining it. There is no guard at the door because only those that have proven their integrity even know where the door is, and those people that come in are not there just to read. No. These special people dust off the glass, repair broken signs, replace the velvet pillows the special items are placed upon, and never speak while in the area. They take these items that are special to you and make them special to themselves. They tiptoe around this area because they know that the wrong move, if they run around or speak too loudly, will draw attention to the area that only a few have the privilege to experience. These are those worthy of the most holy place.
Has the person who hurt you been allowed into an area of your heart where, quite frankly, they should have never been? If so, accept the responsibility. "They couldn't have hurt me in the first place if I had made them prove whether or not they deserved to be in the most holy place."
* * * * * * *
Did You
Heed the Signs?
sign [sahyn] noun 1. a token; indication. 2. any object, action, event, pattern, etc., that conveys a meaning.
“When a deep injury is
done to us, we never recover until we forgive.”
~ Alan Paton
Imagine this: you are having a great time riding in the car and laughing with the potential mate of your dreams and you pass a sign to the right which reads, "That person is nuts. Get out of the car. The bridge is out!" You ignore it and continue to drive without any change or adjustments in course. A few minutes later, you see a plane flying above pulling a banner which reads, "Not a good path! Bridge is out! That person needs help!" Again, without much regard, you continue to ride along.
A few feet later you pass a billboard that reads, "Have you seen this person? (showing a picture of the person you are riding with)? Beware, they like to drive people off cliffs. Do not ride with this person! Fool!" As you laugh, you get a cell phone call from your mother. She says, very calmly, "Honey, I've been down that road, and dated people like them; they like to drive off cliffs. Get out of the car, ok?" You respond, "Awww, Mom. I got this! They love me. It will never happen," and hang up.
A minute later, the potential mate stops the car, lets the top down and gets one parachute out of the trunk. You watch them put on the parachute and get back into the driver's seat. As they begin to drive again, you start to think, "This is strange." So you ask, "Why the parachute in the car?" "It's the latest fashion craze. I'm just trying to be current," they reply. You ask, "So where's mine?" "You won't need one," is the last thing you remember hearing. You wake up in the hospital in a full-body cast with several broken bones and internal bleeding. You look over to see your mom standing there in tears, and a police officer standing there. He calmly says, "You are fortunate to be alive. The person you were with is known for driving off cliffs. Didn't you see the signs?"
Ok, that was a very creepy, "Tales From the Crypt" type of example I just made up; however, the point I'm trying to make is very clear. Most of the time, we can see signs about the people that are heading in a direction to hurt us. God may have provided specific people and instances to warn us of the inevitable. If we don't heed the signs, do we really have a right to be upset? Of course they should not have done the thing to hurt us, yet there's a responsibility that we have as well. Accept your part of the blame and release them from their part because the full load or the situation is not solely on their shoulders. You carry your part as well.
* * * * * * *
Are Your
Standards Consistent?
standards [stan-derds] noun 1. those morals, ethics, habits, etc., established by authority, custom, or an individual as acceptable:
“Forgive me my nonsense
as I also forgive the nonsense of those who think they talk sense.”
~
Robert Frost
Every person should have a set of standards by which they live. These standards, at the base level, show there are laws of the land. They include stealing, killing, abuse and things like that. These laws, or standards, are equally applicable to every person. Those that decide to operate outside of them are liable to the fines, imprisonment and punishments attached to them and they should be the same for everyone regardless of race, gender or financial status. The same should go for our lives.
We should have a specific set of guidelines and standards by which we live our lives. These guidelines will be personal for everyone but they contain a clear guide for living. For example, the Bible is a guideline by which you can live. It has rules of conduct that, when applied, are beneficial to you and those around you. Even those who choose not to live by the guidelines of the Bible have made their choice.
The point I'm making here is that once you have made your choice as to which standards you will live by, the choice must also be applied to the people you choose to spend any significant time with, especially those with whom you enter into relationships. If the standard you set for yourself is not applied to the people around you, you are openly and willingly submitting yourself to the consequences of an inconsistent standard. For example, if you were raised in a house where your father would never yell at and speak to your mother out of disrespect, and you date a person where verbal abuse and sarcasm is an everyday accepted practice, you would be in a relationship where two opposing standards are being asked to live together.
By trying to do this, you are walking face-forward into situations that will cause hurt and conflict. You should decide what standards you call your own and find people of like standards to commune with, thereby reducing conflict. If your standards adjust with the wind depending on who you are around, then you are now subject to the treatment attached and the hurt that it will cause.
* * * * * * *
3. Understanding
un-der-stand-ing [uhn-der-stan-ding] noun 1. mental process of a person who comprehends; comprehension; personal interpretation: 2. intellectual faculties; intelligence; mind:
* * * * * * *
The Other View
view [vyoo] noun 1. an instance of seeing or beholding; 2. a particular manner of looking at something: 3. a general account or description of a subject.
“We’d forgive most
things if we knew the facts.”
~ Graham Greene
Like it or not, there are two, and sometimes more, sides to every story. If you truly want to understand a situation, it's always best to try to understand the other point of view. I'm not saying you have to agree with the other view. By understanding, you can have compassion which may not have been possible before. For example, there is a new fad among our young people where the men walk around with their pants hanging down. I think this is one of the dumbest things I have ever seen. When I get married, if my son does some foolishness like that, I will take all his pants and give them to the poor so that he can truly show the world his underwear! Despite how much I dislike this fad, I understand that the lack of good role models may be the cause of these young men accepting things that are not beneficial, just to fit in.
Let's discuss how the situation that caused hurt may have been viewed by the other person or people involved.
* * * * * * *
Did They Understand?
be-fore [bi-fawr, -fohr] preposition 1. previous to; earlier or sooner than: 2. in front of; ahead of; in advance of: 3. ahead of; in the future of; awaiting:
“Forgiveness is the key
to happiness.”
~ A Course In Miracles
There are times when we act out of a lack of understanding. Meaning, since we don't know a thing is bad or will have a negative effect, we do it from the standpoint of what we don't know. Quite frankly, some of the situations that cause hurt are just part of the growing pains that are attached to getting to know new people. These people have not learned the ins and outs of your personality, how you respond in certain situations and what certain things will do to you.
Sometimes the hurt is the result of a conversation we have not had before the pain was caused. Can a person be truly blamed for hurting you in a way that they didn't know would hurt you in the first place? In those cases, our forgiveness is almost required to further the relationship. So, before we decide not to forgive, are we certain that the person we are struggling to forgive actually knew that the action would cause us hurt in the first place? Hmmm?
* * * * * * *
Interchangeable
Viewpoints
view-point [vyoo-point] noun 1. a place affording a view of something; position of observation: 2. an attitude of mind, or the circumstances of an individual that conduce to such an attitude:
“If I've done anything
I'm sorry for, I'm willing to be forgiven.”
~ Edward N. Westcott
I saw this movie a while ago called "Vantage Point," and all I can say is, awesome! It was written, in essence, to describe an event from several different peoples' points of view. It explained and show the same span of time from the view or vantage point of several different people and how each person experienced that same event.
It showed why some people did some things, what they were thinking and how it affected their individual world. So, likewise, if we truly want to understand people and move toward forgiveness, there will be a need to interchange your viewpoint for the viewpoint of the other person.
To forgive, you must release hurt and move toward healing. When you nurse or hold on to the hurts of the past, you hinder yourself from healing and moving on. To do this, you must change your mindset from, "I want to be right" to the mindset of, "I want to understand." This simple adjustment may not be an easy one in the beginning; however, once it starts, you will be amazed at how much easier it becomes to listen and to be heard.
This is because when you have a mindset of understanding, it shows in the things you say and how you say them, and the other person will feel the difference whether they understand what is different or not. Then the conversation can move toward forgiveness and healing.
* * * * * * *
4. The 4 R’s
When you are making a decision to forgive it’s important to protect that decision at all costs. In this section I would like to discuss 4 R’s that I feel must be adhered to if true forgiveness is to every take place. The R’s are: Release, Repeat, Replace and Relive. All four of them either help or hinder forgiveness, depending on how you use them as they all will hinge off of each other. If you do 1 and not the other 3 or 3 and not the last 1, your ability to truly let go and forgive is less likely to take place.
* * * * *
A. Release
re-lease [ri-lees] verb 1. to free from confinement, bondage, obligation, pain, etc.; let go: 2. to free from anything that restrains, fastens, etc.:
When you cannot forgive, one of the things that is apparent is that you are holding the other person to the situation. If you can release the areas that hold the person to the hurt, you can then release the things that hold them to the unforgiveness.
* * *
Release Their Obligation
ob-li-ga-tion [ob-li-gey-shuhn] noun 1. something by which a person is bound or obliged to do certain things, and which arises out of a sense of duty or results from custom, law, etc.
“Two persons cannot long
be friends if they cannot forgive each other's little failings.”
~
Jean De La Bruyere
When a person hurts us, we are holding them to a standard that, in essence, is saying, "You should have known better." Or, "How could you do this?" The truth of the matter is, if they did know better, they either decided to act outside of what they knew, or perhaps they actually didn't know any better. Not long ago, I was asked to do a presentation for a group of young people to expose them to graphic and Web design as a possible option for a career. At the presentation, I worked on my laptop, which was attached to a projector. The projector showed, on the wall, all of the actions that I took to create the designs. During my presentation, the children were disrespectful, loud and rude. I left upset, thinking, "Those ungrateful kids! How could they do that? How could they be so disrespectful?" After complaining to myself, I drove away and heard myself say, "They know better!" Then the thought came to mind, "Do they? Do they really know how to respect an adult? Do they know what respect and honor are? Have they been taught this by their parents? Do their parents even know how to teach them respect and honor?" After thinking about the situation from the other viewpoint, my mindset went from a state of being upset to a state of understanding. I no longer needed to forgive them. This simple switch in thinking released them from the obligation of treating me right, or knowing better, and allowed me to not hold unforgiveness against them. It also allowed me to try to understand them.
“Whether we believe it,
accept it, want it or like it, we are spiritual beings and our
spirits operate at their best when we are happy."
~ Eric M.
Watterson
* * *
Release Your
Right to Be Right
right [rahyt] noun 1. a just claim or title, whether legal, prescriptive, or moral:
“We ask God to forgive
us for our evil thoughts and evil temper, but rarely, if ever, ask
Him to forgive us for our sadness.”
~ R. W. Dale
Another reason that sometimes makes it hard to forgive is that when we were treated wrong; we knew it was wrong and needed the other person to admit they were wrong. When they admit they are wrong and confess that we are right, then and maybe then, we just might, depending on what day of the week it is and what we had for breakfast, might consider considering the possibility of a day in the near future when we may flip a coin, depending on the coins that we have on us at the time, to decide whether we will think about forgiving them. We have a right to be right. We have a right to feel hurt. We have a right to hold this against them and since we have the right based on their wrong, we won't forgive.
Well, in this particular special and convoluted occasion, if you want to forgive, release your right to be right or your right to be hurt. Just say to yourself, it hurt but I'm releasing the right to have people be concerned about my feelings. I will appreciate those who are concerned about my feelings and give them my time and energy and release those who don't. It will make forgiving them easier because there's nothing to which you can hold them. Once again, this is for those strong enough to take the actions stated here. Refer to the "warning" at the beginning of the book!
* * *
Release the
Need to Understand
need [need] - noun 1. a requirement, necessary duty, or obligation: 2. a lack of something wanted or deemed necessary
“A wise man will make
haste to forgive, because he knows the full value of time and will
not suffer it to pass away in unnecessary pain.”
~ Rambler
Part of the pain we experience from hurt is based in our need to understand why. Why did they hurt me? Why did they do this? What did I do wrong? What could I have done better? How could I have prevented this? Who caused this to happen? This list of questions can go on and on. The need to understand keeps the issue alive and slows the process of healing.
However, there comes a moment in time when, quite frankly, we have to be honest and admit that we may never understand why it happened, what could have been done better or how to have avoided it. At that point, if you can release the need to understand, you can move toward healing. By trying to understand, you are trying to justify hurt and blame. If you truly want to release and forgive, understanding is not the issue, forgiveness is. Forgiveness is not based on understanding; it is based on the simple desire to do so.
* * *
Release the
Need for Agreement
a-gree-ment [uh-gree-muhnt] noun 1. the act of agreeing or of coming to a mutual arrangement. 2. the state of being in accord.
“If you haven't forgiven
yourself something, how can you forgive others?”
~ Dolores
Huerta
People are different. In, I Forgive You: Why You Should Always Forgive, our previous book, we talked about how people think differently, and the understanding that helps you to understand why people get hurt by each other. To take the point slightly further, sometimes you will get hurt by a situation that the person who hurt you doesn't think should have hurt you at all.
The mere fact they don't think you should have been hurt by their actions can, at times, make the fact that they did it that much harder to accept and understand. Sometimes, if a person can at least understand why they were hurt, it can help them to forgive.
So what happens when the person who hurt you just doesn't see why you were hurt in the first place? They may even blame you for the hurt you feel and say something along the lines of, "You shouldn't have been hurt by that. That's just silly. Grow up."
They do not see your side of the situation or understand why it hurt. In that case, you have to let go of whether the situation should have hurt, and move toward forgiveness for your personal benefit. Even if the other person never understands why it hurt you, it is still in your best interest to forgive them for the sake of your future.
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B. Repeat
re-peat [ri-peet] verb 1. to say or utter again (something already said 2. to say or utter in reproducing the words, inflections, etc., of another:
To repeat is to say the same thing again. Its to be reminding of the hurt and tell yourself or others about it. When you repeat a wrong that has been done to you it become that much harder to forgive a person for it. Again I’m not saying that this is easy at all, but as you pursue releasing a hurt its important to stop repeating it. And you can repeat a thing in several different ways.
* * *
Repeating To Yourself
Have you ever had an entire conversation with you, yourself and yours? Well I have and sometimes the conversation went well and other times it didn’t. But during these personal things you can repeat to yourself the wrong that was done to you, by people who you treated well but they did things you didn’t deserve. Again all of which may be true, but don’t continue to repeat the negative things to your self it makes it that much harder to forgive.
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Repeating to Others
Most of the time, you will have someone somewhere who knows about the situation that hurt you, and may advise you that it’s beneficial to break ties with that person for your own peace, but you still forgive. So as people ask, or as you have opportunity to share the wrong that has been done, you will have to make a conscious effort to not repeat to others your hurt.
Now the close friends may need to know the entire situation and this may help with healing and lead you toward truly letting go. I’m not talking about them. The people I’m talking about here are people that you just share the situation with just to share the situation with them. They really don’t need to know all of the details and sometimes they don’t even ask. Yet we find an available ear to badmouth the person to. This you should avoid at all cost.
By doing this you are just expanding the reach of your hurt and pain, and involving more and more people. Keep your pain and hurt as private as possible until you can share it in a way to help someone not experience the same pain you did, not to find another person to tell about how badly you were treated or the horrible thing that was done to you.
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C. Relive
re-live [ree-liv] verb 1. to experience again, as an emotion. 2. to live (one's life) again.
By repeating it over and over, you are reliving the situation over and over. When a very important friend hurt me, the initial emotions were hurt and disappointment. But the more I repeated it and didn’t release it, I relived it.
Each time I relived it, the experience compounded on the last one. So, in essence, what was originally hurt and disappointment began to move to anger and hate. It wasn’t because the person continued to do the same thing over and over. It was because I kept reliving, over and over, what the person had done.
If you don’t release the hurt and disappointment, and stop replaying it in your mind, you will never forgive because you continue to relive the experience. I understand that it hurt; however, every hurt is an opportunity to learn and grow. It gives us the potential to help someone else. Don’t relive the hurt. Release it. Don’t repeat it and do the next step in the 4 R’s, which is replace it.
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D. Replace
re-place [ri-pleys] verb 1. to assume the former role, position, or function of; substitute for (a person or thing): 2. to provide a substitute or equivalent in the place of:
I know we talked about not repeating the bad thing that you need to forgive; however, that will be nearly impossible to do if the same thought or reminder of what happened, continues to pop up over and over. The negative thought has to be replaced with a positive one if you can ever hope to not repeat it to yourself and others.
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Replace Bad With Good
As the thoughts of what happened with that person comes into your mind, replace those thoughts with good thoughts about them. Again…I Know…Believe Me...but this is for your own good! Trust me! So replace the hate with the love you had for the person before the hurt. Replace the thought of how they hurt you with the fact that they can’t hurt you anymore. Replace the fact that they lied to you with the thought that they can’t lie to you anymore if the person is no longer there of course. If they are still around, find something else good to think about them.
Instead of remembering their bad qualities, remember their good ones. The point here is your thinking and the emotional state that thoughts put you in. If a negative thought stays in your mind, the negative emotions attached to the thought stay in your heart. By replacing the bad thought with a good one, you replace the bad feeling in your heart with good ones.
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Replace Hurt With Benefit
Sometimes you may only be able to say, “I’m free.” If you replace the hurt with the benefit that happened as a result of the hurt, you can again move toward forgiveness. There are many things that have happened in our lives that we wish had never happened. But, at the end of the day, they did happen, so what will you do now? Will you sit there and stay in the place of that hurt or brush yourself off and keep moving? Let me help you if you don’t know what to say here. “You Will Get Up and Keep Moving.” “You Will Not Let This Thing Destroy You.” “You Will Be Better, Stronger and Faster After You Forgive and Learn From It.”
Every time the thoughts reminding you of the hurt return, replace them with thoughts of benefit. Replace them with thoughts of strength. Replace them with thoughts of success. Replace them with thoughts that benefit you and the people that are counting on you to move on!
* * *
Replace What Was
With What Is
Another thing to keep in mind when replacing bad thoughts is to be honest and let go of what was or what you even hoped it would be, and embrace with honestly and courage what is. Ok, maybe it should have worked out better but it didn’t. So what’s next? Embrace the present. Take the time to admit what was and embrace what is and the possibilities of what can be.
What if you have a horrible day and night? At the start of a new day, you stayed under the blanket, never got out of bed to feel the strength of the new day. What if you never opened the blinds to see the morning sun? What if you never cracked the window to hear the birds chirping? I’ll tell you what if, you would still be living the horrible day because you have not embraced the present and the endless possibilities it possesses.
Please understand, I’m not saying that it doesn’t matter what happened. Oh, yes it does! My concern for you is that you take the time to heal. Be grateful for the good of yesterday. Learn from the mistakes of yesterday. Let today be the best it can possibly be, not just for you, but for the people that need to see you smile, which helps them smile. Replace the bad of what was with the endless good of what can be.
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5. Decide
de-cide [di-sahyd] verb 1. to solve or conclude (a question, controversy, or struggle) by giving victory to one side: 2. to determine or settle (something in dispute or doubt):
“Only the brave know how
to forgive; it is the most refined and generous pitch of virtue human
nature can arrive at.”
~ Sterne
At the end of the day, no matter how many examples I give, or how I explain how beneficial forgiveness is, it’s something that will never be done unless you simply decide that it's something you should do. The most powerful and consistent decisions are made by choice, not by feelings. Your feelings are something that can change based on the situation, but when you choose something that's not subject to feelings, your feelings will not change it.
To coin a famous phase, "Just Do It." By a simple decision, you can reach realization of the freedom that comes from releasing and forgiving hurts and move toward a future that is free from the painful attachments of the past.
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Things to Consider
When faced with whether to forgive someone, we offer these few things to consider:
Do you want the person’s negative actions to affect you forever?
Do you feel that the person who hurt you was perfect and should never make mistakes?
Do you blame the other person completely and feel that it has absolutely nothing to do with anything you have done?
Do you want your inability to forgive to affect your relationships now and in the future?
Are you perfect in every thing you do and have no need to be forgiven of anything now and even in the future? If you have ever done any wrong to anyone, if you want to be forgiven you must first forgive.
“Judge not, and ye shall
not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive,
and ye shall be forgiven:”
~ Luke 6:37 (the Bible, KJV)
If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions…well, you may need help that this book cannot give. However, if you answer “no” to any one of them, you understand the need to forgive.
This life is made up of the quality relationships that we have, both with each other and with our Heavenly Father. So please, never underestimate the importance of doing whatever you can to forgive and maximize each and every relationship to its full potential.
The choice is yours, so make a quality decision. Like the Nike motto says, “Just Do It!”
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Closing
No matter how hard it is, please forgive those who have hurt you. Who am I talking about? Only you know, and it includes every "them" that you are holding anything against. The sun will shine tomorrow. The birds will sing tomorrow. New relationships and opportunities will present themselves tomorrow. However, if you are unable to forgive the hurts of yesterday, you may not be in position to benefit from the opportunities that are on the way.
My sincere wish is that you will reach a state of trust in God and people so that no situation or circumstance keeps you from living life to the fullest!
As always, "I'm not trying to tell you what to do; I'm just offering an idea to consider."
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Bibliography
References Used:
- Bible - King James and the Amplified Version
- The Quotations Page (http://www.quotationspage.com)
- Dictionary.com
(http://dictionary.reference.com)
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Thank You
I really hope this book has helped you and your relationships for the better. Life without the people that are important to us to share it with is not really life at all. I sincerely hope and pray that this book has helped!
God Bless!
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