EVERYBODY vs THE FERRET: 1
by
Cristian YoungMiller
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The characters and events in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
Copyright © 2011 by Cristian YoungMiller
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review. For information contact Cristian YoungMiller at RateABull@gmail.com.
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*****
Dedication:
To everyone that was made to feel like they were the only ones doing it.
*****
Table of Contents
*****
EVERYBODY vs THE FERRET: 1
*****
Chapter 1
“It’s a box! The secret of their power is a box. We’ve got to steal their box!”
A 10-year-old Candy looks up from her file at Odessa, a classmate and foot soldier in their ongoing war of “boys against girls.” Candy focuses her keen mind on Odessa’s face. Odessa’s twitching eyes and the bruise mark on her orange head tells Candy that her comrade had been through a lot.
“By the way, you did a good job. When we rule the school, there will be a lunch day named after you. It will be called Becky’s Lunch Day.”
“My name is Odessa,” she replied.
Candy examined the countenance of her orange-headed friend, looking for signs of a challenge to her authority. “From now on your name will be Becky. Do we have a problem with that?” Candy delivered with no hint of a smile.
“No, Candy,” Becky said, struggling to keep it together in front of her commander.
“Good,” Candy said relaxing. “Now, I have to get this intel to the girls. And soon our plan can begin. You’re dismissed, soldier,” Candy said turning to Becky.
Without a word, Becky walks out.
Alone, Candy looks around at her rainbow and unicorn themed room. She steps in front of the mirror and stares at what she sees. Candy turns her strawberry head and examines the surface seeds that look like freckles on her pretty, slender face. She reaches up and adjusts her leaves, which she has tied in a bun with the ends wispily to the right slightly above her shoulders. And she brushes her red polka-dot summer dress, which highlights her red, high-top Chuck Taylor tennis.
“Ok Candy,” she says to the image in the mirror. “If you want to rule the school, no one’s gonna give it to you. You’re gonna have to work!”
Candy reaches down and retrieves her MP3 player. With the buds in her ears, she reaches down to get a sheet of scratch ’n sniff stickers. She looks for the one of the Jonas brothers. She scratches it really hard and takes a very deep inhale. She then again looks at herself in the mirror. She looks much more alert.
“It smells like rainbows.” She examines herself again in the mirror. “Let’s do this.”
Candy hits play on her MP3 player, and her theme song starts.
‘I have one thing to say. You better work.’
The music interlude for Ru Paul’s “Supermodel” plays and Candy bops to the beat. She leaves her room and runs down the stairs.
“Mom, I’m gonna use the basement,” Candy says to whoever’s listening.
“OK, dear,” Candy’s mom yells back from another room.
Candy runs down the basement stairs and takes a look at her orange and brown shag palace.
‘You better work; Cover girl. Work it girl; Do a twirl. Do your thing on the runway.’
Candy bobs around the shag palace turning it into her command center. She turns to the camera, fashion model style, and twirls on cue.
‘Better work; Supermodel. Work it girl; Of the world. Wet your lips and make love to the camera.’
During the musical interlude, Candy goes to the “Hang in There” kitty poster on the wall and replaces it with a “Hang in There” kitty poster where the kitty is wearing an army helmet. She then pushes out all of the furniture in the room and replaces it with a 50-inch touchscreen monitor and 3D holographic topographic display table.
‘Work.’
She turns to the left.
‘Work.’
She turns to the right.
‘Sashay santé.’
Within another musical interlude, she whips out her super-fancy cell phone and one-touch connects with her friends. “Girls, it’s meeting time.”
‘Sashay santé.’
Candy puts on her pink bedazzled army helmet and posses in front of her work for the paparazzi to get a photo.
‘You better work!’
The song ends.
Candy, wearing her army helmet, carries a laser pointer and paces back and forth in front of her two troops. Tia is a cool girl of mixed ethnicity who has an Asian pear for a head. She wears a red baby doll dress with pink trim and a tight collar. Molly is a slightly overweight, less attractive girl with a raspberry for a head. And even though she is also 10 years old, she is deep into puberty, and her aqua dress with yellow flowers shows it off.
“All right girls, we are about to embark on the greatest mission of our lives,” Candy begins.
“Is it spelunking?” Tia asks.
“No, it’s not spelunking. What’s spelunking?” Candy asks distracted.
“It’s when you explore a cave,” Tia explains.
“Are we exploring a cave?” Molly asks. “My mom says caves are where boys go to play with dead cats. I’m not allowed to play with dead cats anymore.”
“No, we aren’t going caving,” Candy says.
“Are we going tobogganing down the Swiss Alps on fresh powder at the crack of dawn?” Tia asks.
“My mom said that I’m not allowed to go tobogganing anymore,” Molly says. She lowers her head. “It’s because of the dead cats.”
“No, we’re not going tobogganing,” Candy says, a little frustrated.
“Then this hardly seems like the greatest adventure of our lives.”
“What? No, we’re gonna take over the school.”
“Is there base jumping involved?”
“Are there dead cats?”
“Ladies, there is no base jumping and no dead cats. By the way, Molly, whaaa?” Candy gives Molly a ‘what is up with the dead cats?’ look. “No, this is about the boys. Aren’t you tired of watching them march around the school like they own the place? They’re bumping us and pushing us like we’re nothing—nothing, ladies. Don’t you want to make things right? Don’t you want us to have the power, and not those few knuckle-dragging cavemen?”
Tia is about to speak, but Candy cuts her off, “There’s still no spelunking Tia.”
Tia sits back disappointed.
“I want to rule the school,” Molly said meekly.
“As you should. It is our right as the smarter species to be in control, and I plan to get it for us. Now, Becky sacrificed a lot to get us this intel.”
Tia leans over to Molly. “Who’s Becky?”
Becky, having returned home, sits in a corner of her bedroom holding her knees and rocking back and forth. She has a traumatized look on her face. She mutters to herself expressing post-traumatic shock.
“So much professional wrestling. So much farting.”
Molly leans toward Tia, “I think Becky’s the one with the laser pointer.”
Tia gives Molly a questioning look. “That’s Candy. Is there something wrong with you?”
Molly lowers her head again. “I’m thinking about the dead cats.”
Tia leans away and turns back to Candy.
Candy meanwhile is pinching and pulling pictures up on her touchscreen monitor.
“Here’s what we’ve found to be the source of the boys’ power.”
An image appears on the screen.
“It’s a box,” Tia points out.
Candy spins around and faces Tia. “Exactly. And the intel says that they keep it here.” Candy faces the monitor. “Computer: enhance.”
The image on the screen spins and expands until the box pixilates and reappears as a picture of a boy’s crotch.
“It’s a boy’s pants,” Tia clarifies.
“Exactly, they keep their box in their pants. It’s the perfect hiding spot. Who would think to keep something so valuable in there? It’s diabolical. And from what we gather, the box is somewhere between the size of a pimple and little man with a mustache. This is a sketch. Computer: enhance.”
On the screen appears a jack-in-the-box wearing a fake mustache.
“Creepy,” Tia acknowledges.
“Yes, creepy,” Candy agrees. “So here is the mission, if you choose to accept it: it’s to infiltrate the boys, get them to show us their box, and when they’re not looking, steal it. Then we’ll rule the school.”
Candy chuckles at the sound of her plan. As she thinks more, she laughs harder until it is a full-on mad scientist laugh. Molly and Tia look at Candy, concerned.
“Girl, you seriously gotta cut back on your scratch ’n sniff,” Molly advises.
Candy looks at Molly, wondering how much she knows. Before her Jonas brothers, rainbow-laced paranoia can set in, she looks away. “I’m back.”
Candy turns to the monitor and pulls images out of an electronic folder. “Here are our targets.” Stepping away from the monitor, Candy presses a button on her laser pointer. An electronic picture of Billy pops up.
Billy is a 10-year-old boy with a red delicious apple for a head. Candy points her laser at the image.
“Billy, aka Billy Apple. We all know this one. He’s the charismatic ring leader of the devious bunch. He’s crafty, smart and cannot be trusted.”
“Oh, I don’t know. I think he’s kind of dreamy,” Tia says with a smile.
“…cannot be trusted,” Candy repeats with a stern look at Tia. “Next is Jack, aka Jack Banana. He’s slippery, he’s quick and a master of words. Don’t get into it with this one ladies because you will lose. Do you hear me? Lose!”
“Last up is Sandy, aka Sandy Grapes, aka Knuckles, aka My Bad. I don’t know what the last nickname is for, but Becky said that he’s lethal. If you find yourself going up against that one, you walk away. Do you hear me? I’m not losing another soldier in this war.” Candy looks off into the distance. “Not one more.”
Still in the corner of her room, Becky lets out another haunted utterance. “SO MUCH FARTING!”
Tia and Molly look at each other seeing if the other knows what Candy is talking about. Neither does.
“Question,” Tia interrupts. “I don’t think Billy has a box.”
“That’s not a question,” Candy points out. “What’s your question?”
Tia continues. “The question is, have you gone mad?”
“I have not.”
“I have a follow-up question,” Tia adds.
“Yes, Tia?”
“Seriously, have you gone mad?”
“Was Joan of Arc mad when she rushed toward the English leading the French to victory?”
“Many accounts say she was,” Tia confirms.
“State your case,” Candy says, yielding the floor.
“I have seen Billy in swim trunks. There’s nothing in there,” Tia says.
“Yeah I’ve seen it too,” Molly adds. “There’s nothing there.”
“Yeah, I mean wet, dry… there couldn’t be less there if you took him and grated him on a cheese grater and then sanded him down to his core. I mean there’s nothing there.”
“Yeah, there’s nothing there,” Molly confirms.
A mile away, Billy Apple, Jack Banana and Sandy Grapes sit in a circle in a tree house by a lake. Billy, who was talking, stops like he has gotten a psychic impression. The other boys look at him.
“What’s the matter, Billy,” Jack asks.
“I’m not sure, but I think a part of me has just died inside.”
The other two boys stare at Billy in fear.
Candy reclaims the floor and turns to Tia, “I think you’re letting your feelings for him cloud your judgment. He’s a boy; they all have a box. And if we don’t take their boxes from them now, they always will. We need that box girls. If not for ourselves, then for girls everywhere. This is a battle for more than just us three. It’s for girl-dom. It is for the girls of the world.”
“I’m not sure, but to me this seems like some sort of box envy,” Tia decides.
“Or is it a conspiracy. Tell me, do you have a box?” Candy asks the two girls.
“My Girl Scout leader told me that I have a box,” Molly offered.
“No you don’t. And you know how I know? Because we’re all girls. Our parents neglected to give us one, ladies. So now if we want one, we’re gonna have to take it on our own.”
Candy turns back to the monitor. She opens electronic files on each of the girls in the room and then uses her laser pointer remote.
“Now, my code name will be Strawberry. Molly, you will be Raspberry. And Tia, you will beeee...”
Candy stops and both she and Molly stare at Tia waiting for a reply.
“I’m an Asian pear!”
“My mom said that I should not use that word. She says Asian is a type of rug.”
“OK, Tia. I’ve known you for a long time. Let’s settle this. Are you more apple or are you more pear?”
“That’s it. I’m not gonna be a part of this. And you know what?” she says, sounding like a hip black girl, “I’m out. PEACE!”
Tia leaves the clubhouse.
Candy watches Tia leave. “She looks like an apple, but inside she’s all pear.”
*****
Chapter 2
In a tree house a few hundred yards from Lake Cobbler, the boys sit in a circle. Billy Apple, age 10, allows his flip-flops to hang off his feet. His yellow and green horizontal-striped long-sleeved shirt hangs loosely on his thin body. Billy is listening to Jack Banana, whose long, yellow arms flail wildly as he makes his argument. Jack’s bushy eyebrows bounce up and down passionately emphasizing his point. And in the middle of each point, he pulls down the short sleeves of his orange tee shirt after they have fallen to his shoulders.
The final boy is Sandy Grapes. Sandy is also 10, but unlike the other boys, he would be the bad seed in the bunch. Sandy Grapes is usually the first one to go bad. Sandy sits fiddling with a cap that usually sits backwards on his grape head. And what is most on his mind while Jack rants is whether his blue cap goes with his long-sleeved, lime-green shirt and olive-green pants. Sandy is torn.
When Jack’s arms subside, Billy lifts his tree branch gavel and bangs it.
“So the motion carries. From now on, ‘who smelt it, dealt it.’ What’s next on our agenda?” Billy says, looking at his two friends.
Jack looks down at his poorly taken notes. “Next up is what we’re gonna do today.”
“I have a motion,” Candy says appearing out of nowhere.
“Ahhh!” the boys scream in surprise.
After a silent moment, a fart is heard followed by a sniff.
“My bad,” Sandy decides.
Candy continues. “According to motion 169, anyone present when the agenda is called to order can make or suggest an activity.”
“Yes, but motion 169 is set on the presumption that that party was invited into the circle,” Billy rebuts.
“Right, but according to motion 242, anyone in said circle must be assumed to have been invited because how else could they have gotten in,” Candy adds.
Jack leans over to Billy and whispers, “How is she able to navigate our bureaucracy with such ease?”
Becky Orange now has her hands over her orange ears trying to block out the memory of the sounds. “So much farting!” she says, still rocking back and forth in the corner.
Candy continues, “I purpose...”
Sandy tries to interrupt, “You can’t just come in here and…”
“… that we all go down to the lake and go skinny dipping,” Candy concludes.
There is a long silence in the room. All of the boys stare at Candy with their mouths hanging open. The sound of a fart breaks the silence.
“My bad,” Sandy admits.
“Go on,” Billy says, finding room in their agenda for consideration of her motion.
Candy speaks in a very innocent, high-pitched voice. “I propose that we all take a trip down to the lake, taking any boxes or similar carrying devices that we all may have. And then throw caution into the wind and see what we find... I mean discover.”
Molly, who was sitting quietly next to Candy, corrects her. “She meant ‘what comes up.’”
“Yes, thank you, Molly. Let’s see what comes up.”
The boys’ mouths hang open. Their eyes bulge at their fruit-head maximums.
Jack is the first to speak. He does so with a clear rational mind. “As a point of order, I would like to put on record all of the reasons we shouldn’t do this. One, I keep a special place in my pants, and my mom said I shouldn’t touch it when I’m around other people. Two, I like touching it soooo... Wait, what happened?”
Jack looks down to find that all three of the boys are naked with their hands over their pickles. The girls are nowhere around.
Billy, looking suckered, answers, “I don’t know, Jack. I don’t know.”
“Where are the girls?” Jack says, looking around.
“I don’t know,” Billy says with resentment in his voice.
“I say we get dressed before someone sees us,” Sandy Grapes says, suddenly self-conscious about his raisins.
As the boys look around for their clothes, Candy and Molly come out of nowhere dressed in ski masks. The boys see them and the first thing they notice are the guns they are holding in their pockets.
“OK, this is a stick up!” Candy announces.
“Oh, no!” Jack screams.
An extended fart is heard followed by a pooping sound. Everyone remains still.
“My bad,” Sandy says.
With the fart claimed, Candy goes back to work. “OK, you know what we want.”
“Not my special spot,” Jack yells.
“Yes, your special spot. Hands up in the air,” Candy demands.
The boys slowly lift their hands into the air.
Candy examines the boys when their arms are fully extended. “I don’t get it. Where is it?” Candy asks confused.
“We checked their clothes; they have to have it on them,” Molly adds.
“But I don’t see it,” Candy admits.
“Wait there it is,” Molly points out.
“Where?” Candy asks, scanning the boys’ crotches.
“Right there. Look close.”
Billy lowers his head in shame. “Oh, god!”
Candy leans forward squinting her eyes. “Oh, I see it. There’s got to be more to it than that.”
“That’s what I say every day,” Sandy acknowledges with sadness.
Molly points at Jack. “But that one’s a lot bigger than the others.”
“What?” Billy asks, before he and Sandy turn and look down at Jack’s sprout.
“Dude!” they both say in harmony.
Yelling in embarrassment Jack says, “I can’t control it! It has a mind of its own.”
“How are we supposed to take them from them? Should we try to pull them off?” Molly asks her partner.
“What if they don’t come off?”
“Then we keep pulling. It’s got to come off eventually.”
“Ahhh!” Jack screams, terrified.
Also terrified, Billy protests, “This is insane. You can’t do that. If you did that, that would make... wait.” First Billy, and then all of the boys get lost in thought about what would happen if someone kept pulling on their special spot. Smiles creep across the boys’ faces. And with their eyes shifting, they look at each other to see if they had all had the same thought. They all had.
“Maybe that…” Billy starts, before he is interrupted by Candy.
“You boys may have won this round,” Candy starts.
As she does, Billy finally recognizes her voice. “Candy?” he pronounces.
“But we will have your sources of power. And when we do...” Candy laughs hysterically, like a mad scientist. Both girls run away. As they do, Molly addresses her friend.
“Seriously, you have to lay off your scratch ’n sniff.”
Sandy immediately runs back to where they left their clothes. “They took our clothes.”
“What was she talking about?” Billy asks.
“I feel dirty,” Jack adds.
“We can’t let them get away with this. We have to figure out a way to get back at them,” Billy decides, wanting to regain his honor.
Returning to the group, Sandy agrees. “I say that we convince them to go skinny dipping and we take their clothes.”
“No, that won’t work. We need to...” Billy stops talking as he notices Jack looking down at his crotch.
When Jack feels Billy’s stare he looks away.
“Wait, did you just look at my...?”
“No, I didn’t,” Jack says defensively.
Billy looks at his friend as a light goes off in his head. “Oh my god, you’re the gay one.”
“The what?” Jack asks as tension builds in his banana head.
Billy explains. “Every group of friends has one person that grows up to be the gay one. And you’re the one.”
“I don’t wanna be the gay one.”
“Your eyes clearly crossed below the horizon,” Billy points out.
“What?”
“Your eyes, they looked down when they should have been looking straight across,” Billy explains.
A ferret, who has been watching the kids from just outside the trees, approaches the boys. Ferret is of ambiguous gender and age. He stands on his back legs, making him mostly as tall as Billy. He speaks in a slow, slightly southern drawl and has a look on his face that makes him seem like he is barely awake. Both of those characteristics mask all his motives.
“He’s right,” the ferret, simply known as Ferret, says. “Your eyes crossed the horizon. Did you know that every group of childhood friends has one guy that is gay? The gay one doesn’t usually discover it, though until one morning in college when he wakes up with an empty bottle of Goldschlager, a naked twink named Justin, and the smell of Astroglide in the air.”
“What’s a twink?” Sandy asks.
Jack is louder and more fearful in the face of the mounting evidence. “But I don’t want to be the gay one.”
Billy and Sandy look at each other. Billy puts his finger on his nose. “Not it.”
Sandy follows. “Not it.”
Jack still objects but being the last one to touch his nose he sees the writing on the wall. “But I don’t wanna be the gay one,” he says, resigned.
“Do you know where we could find some clothes?” Billy asks Ferret, liking their new friend.
“I do, but why would you need them. I don’t wear any and I’m fine.”
“Our parent can’t find us like this. They’d kill us,” Billy says.
“That’s a good point. But did you know that when parents find a group of children naked they usually blame the one with the erection?”
All three look at Jack who lowers his head. Continuing their walk, the boys follow Ferret into the woods.
“Even so, we should find some clothes,” Billy adds.
“I could help you with that. I could also help you get revenge on the girls. I saw what they did.”
“Oh, cool!” Billy exclaims. “Hey, afterwards you want to come by my house?”
“You mean like for dinner?” Ferret asks.
“Ummm, sure.”
“And would that make me your pet?”
“Ummm, I guess.”
“I would like that. Did you know that ferrets are the second most popular exotic pet?” He looks at Billy for acknowledgement. “Yeah, snakes are number one, but we are less likely to strangle our owners in the middle of the night... no matter how hard we try.” Ferret looks forward but continues to address Billy. “You have a nice body. It’s very toned.”
“Ummm, thank you,” Billy says, unsure how to respond.
“You ever hang out in the steam room at your gym?” Ferret asks.
“My school doesn’t have a steam room.”
“That’s too bad,” the ferret decides. Ferret turns back toward Billy. “Now about your revenge, did you know girls will ‘do’ anyone that reminds them of their father?”
“What does ‘do’ mean?” Jack asks.
“Oh, you wouldn’t like it. But your friends probably will. Come on, I’ll show you.”
The boys and the ferret run off.
*****
Chapter 3
Billy and Ferret walk into Billy’s two-story, upper middle class home. They stop at the bottom of the stairs.
“Mom!” Billy yells.
Billy’s mom, Joyce Apple, comes from the kitchen. She is 39 and like Billy has a red delicious apple for a head. Joyce Apple is always upbeat and full of energy. She is dressed like a stay at home mom who is about to leave for a community watch meeting for which she is the leader.
“Hey Mom, look what I found in the woods. Can I keep it?” Billy pleads.
“Well isn’t he cute!” Billy’s mom replies.
“And you’re a handsome woman… which brings up a question. Do you know what zoo sadism is?” Ferret asked flirtatiously.
“Can I keep him?” Billy asks again.
“I don’t know. Is he housebroken?”
“Well, I’m not gonna poop in your bed, if that’s what you’re wondering.” Ferret admires Joyce’s heels. “But I’m a bigger fan of shoes. Don’t worry though, we could call them ‘little surprises.’ I think it makes it a little more classy. Don’t you?”
Joyce giggles.
Ferret looks on, intrigued by the giggling piece of ripe cougar fruit in front of him.
“Well, aren’t you darling,” Joyce adds. “What do you usually eat?”
“Whoever buys me dinner. I’m pretty liberal that way. Oh wait, you said what. I thought you said who. My mistake. That one’s on me.”
Joyce giggles again.
“Hmmm, I like you,” Ferret says with a sly smile. “Don’t worry. You don’t have to make me anything special. Just set another plate at the table and keep your feet to yourself during dinner.” Ferret laughs an almost perverted laugh at his joke. Joyce giggles like a school girl.
Staring at Ferret with a come-hither look, Joyce addresses her son. “Darling, he’s just precious. Sure you can keep him.”
Ferret turns to Billy. “Why don’t you make your call. I’m gonna scout out the best lawns to leave my little surprises on.” Ferret gives Joyce a wink about his “surprises” reference and then leaves.
Joyce watches Ferret walk out. After she does, she takes a moment to imagine ripping Ferret’s fur off and making sweet apple-ferret love to him. She lets out a cougar purr.
Billy, unaware of the sparks flying between the two, goes upstairs to his room.
In his very clean yet typically decorated bedroom, Billy jumps onto his bed. He then calls Tia who picks up. She is on the bed in her adventure themed bedroom.
“Hello?” Tia asks, surprised who’s on her caller ID.
“Hey, Tia, this is Billy.”
Tia is excited. “Billy? This is the first time you’ve ever called me.”
“Yeah, a friend told me to call you to find out what Candy’s dad is like.”
This isn’t what Tia was hoping to hear. “Candy’s dad? Why?”
“I’m supposed to figure out how to ‘do’ Candy to get revenge on her. And I have to get some information on Candy’s dad.”
“How is ‘doing’ someone going to help you get revenge?”
“I’m not sure, but my friend said that ‘doing’ someone is even better revenge than a Dirty Sanchez, so...”
Tia doesn’t understand either reference so she moves on.
“Huh. Yeah, Candy told me that you keep a really tiny pickle in your pants.”
Billy’s mouth drops open in both shock and embarrassment.
Tia, oblivious to what she is referring to, continues, “But I don’t understand. If the pickle is that small, why do you keep it in your pants? Why don’t you leave it at home or just give the pickle to your mom? My mom said that she can’t get enough pickles. And I’ve seen it. Whenever someone gives a pickle to my mom she can’t stop smiling afterwards.”
Billy, who is embarrassed, answers, “My dad told me that if I gave the pickle to my mom I would want to pluck my eyes out afterwards.”
“Huh, maybe your mom doesn’t like pickles. Well, the next time you see her, you should give the pickle to my mom. And if your pickle is small enough, you should ask her to swallow it whole. I’ve seen her do it. It’s very impressive.”
Billy stares blankly with his mouth hanging open. He is unsure what to say next.
Arriving home, Jack walks into the kitchen of his upper middle class home. He is the only one there.
“Mom, Dad, I’m home.”
Jack’s mom and dad, Wendy and Sam Banana, are in the living room.
“Honey, come in here,” Jack’s mom says.
Jack walks into the well decorated living room to find his parents seated in front of the fireplace. Wendy is seated across from Sam and, like their son, they each have a banana for a head.
“Hey, mom,” Jack says. “Ahhh!” Jack screams as Ferret spins around in a lounge chair.
“Honey, have you met Billy’s new pet?” Wendy asks.
“We saw this guy pooping on the lawn, and we just had to invite him in to say hello,” Jack’s dad explains.
“Did you know your parents are delightful?” Ferret asks Jack.
“And you know, he told us the darnedest thing,” Wendy says.
“Yeah,” Jack’s dad continues. “He said that you’re the gay one in your group.”
“But I don’t wanna be the gay one,” Jack replies, feeling the pressure build in his banana.
“Don’t be silly, son. We’re delighted,” Wendy reassures him.
“In fact, if I didn’t meet your mom when I did, I would probably be some leather man’s full-time gag boy by now.”
“And before I met your dad, I was face down in so much cherry pie that my nickname was custard.”
Both parents laugh, and Jack stares at his parents in shock.
“Like I said, delightful,” Ferret smiles.
*****
Chapter 4
That night, Billy lays in bed asleep. With everything else still and quiet in the room, Ferret slowly rises up from the shadows on the opposite side of Billy’s bed. He looks down at Billy’s head and slowly extends his very long tongue to lick Billy’s apple. But, just as he’s about to lick, Billy turns over, forcing Ferret to stop. With his tongue still extended, he slowly lowers himself to where he came from.
*****
Chapter 5
The next morning the phone rings waking Billy up. Billy answers it.
“Are you ready for today?” Jack asks from the other end of the line.
“Hey, Jack.” Billy rubs his eyes, trying to wake up. “Yeah. Tia told me a lot of stuff, but I don’t know if I’m ready to ‘do’ Candy.”
Terror seizes Jack. “I looked it up. I don’t wanna do a Dirty Sanchez. Promise me I won’t have to do a Dirty Sanchez.”
“OK, OK. I’ll be ready.”
Billy hangs up the phone. He gets out of bed and goes to the bathroom to pee. Billy positions himself in front of the toilet, take out his pickle and pees. On the far side of Billy is the shower with the curtain partially open. As quietly as he can, Ferret leans out from behind the curtain. His eyes are fixed on Billy’s pickle.
Billy, still groggy, looks around the bathroom and sees Ferret staring at him. While still peeing, he turns and doesn’t notice the change of sound as his pee hits the floor. Being a shy pee-er, Billy’s stream stops.
Feeling he’s been caught, Ferret slowly looks up and finds Billy staring back at him. Not knowing how much Billy saw, he decides to pretend that Billy didn’t just catch him checking out his junk.
“Morning,” Ferret offers. “I was just wondering if you were planning on taking me to school with you today.”
“Pets aren’t allowed at school,” Billy replies.
“Oh, OK. Just checking.”
Ferret slowly leans back behind the curtain.
“Ah, what are you doing?” Billy asks.
“I’m taking a shower.”
“But I don’t hear any water running,” Billy asks confused.
A second goes by and then the shower turns on full force. Billy continues to stare.
In the hallway at school, Billy stands with Jack and Sandy. Jack is dressed normally, but Sandy is dressed as an accountant, and Billy is dressed as the performer Cher.
“I look stupid,” Billy protests.
“I think you look awesome!” Sandy says admiringly.
A group of 10-year-old kids walks by the boys wearing identical Marilyn Monroe wigs and white dresses. When the lead boy sees Billy, he turns to the boy next to him.
“He look’s ridiculous.”
“Yah, ridiculous,” the other agrees before the group continues on.
“See, even the Swedish exchange students think so. I’m goin’ home to change,” Billy decides.
Jack looks down the hall and sees Candy approaching. “It’s too late. Here she comes.”
Jack and Sandy walk off, and Candy stops at a distance in front of Billy.
“Hey, Candy,” Billy says, trying to appear confident.
“What are you wearing?” she asks with scorn.
“Oh, this?” Billy asks, losing his tight grip on his façade. “I just thought that I would pay tribute to one of the greatest singers who ever lived?”
“Who are you supposed to be, Cher? You’re such an idiot. That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. My god, you don’t know anything.”
Candy then moves inappropriately close to Billy and gives him a look that indicates that she has just fallen uncontrollably in love with him.
“Huh?” Billy replies, caught off guard.
Candy’s dad, Bruce, walks to the community center with Candy’s mom, Cream. Candy’s dad is dressed as Cher.
“Let’s make this quick, dear. I need to head to work.”
Candy’s parents take a seat. The auditorium is filled with all of the parents from Miller’s Grove, the neighborhood where the kids all live. In the front row are Sandy Grapes’ parents Steve and Pat. One row back are Molly Raspberry’s parents, Glen and Lady. Behind them are Jack Banana’s proud parents, Wendy and Sam. And Billy’s mom, Joyce, is behind the podium waiting for everyone to get settled.
“If everybody can settle, please, we can begin,” Joyce says into the mic.
The last few people sit, and Joyce throws on a big smile.
“Welcome everybody. Sorry for calling this neighborhood watch meeting at the last moment, but we have big news to share.” Joyce looks down at her notes. “First up on the agenda, we would like to congratulate Sam and Wendy. It turns out that their son Jack is the gay one. Where are you guys?
Sam and Wendy proudly stand up while the rest of the crowd applauds.
“He’s not out yet, but we’re close,” Wendy says with one fist held high in victory.
Numerous congratulations come from the crowd while Sandy Grape’s dad turns to his wife. “Why is it always someone else’s kid?” he says in disappointment.
“Next up, I would like to introduce you to Billy’s new pet. He brought it home from the woods and we couldn’t be happier.”
Sandy’s Dad sighs once again in disappointment over his son.
Ferret walks up to the podium and blankly looks into all of the excited faces staring back at him. After a moment of having nothing to say, he speaks.
“Did you know that all of your kids have been engaged in various sexual games that have resulted in at least three naked children and one inappropriate erection?”
The crowd looks at Ferret, stunned.
Jack’s mom turns to the mother next to her. “The erection was our son,” she says with restrained pride.
Not knowing what else to say, Billy’s mom leans into the mic. “Well, that’s good, right?” she says unsure. “We want our kids to grow up to be comfortable with their sexuality, right?”
“Yeah, right,” Molly Raspberry’s dad replies.
Unsure “yeahs” come from the crowd until Molly’s mom, Lady, speaks. She is also unsure.
“Or maybe we want them to be kids as long as they can be. Because, after all, there’s plenty of time for that other stuff, right?”
More confident “yeahs” come from the crowd.
Joyce speaks up again saying, “But even if we wanted to, there’s nothing that we could do to stop it... right?”
In the silence, Ferret speaks up, “Did you know that there is a procedure called the Michael Jackson?”
“Oh, the Michael Jackson,” Molly’s dad says. “Sure, I’ve heard of that. But that’s a little extreme... isn’t it?”
“But would we be good parents if we didn’t give them the opportunity to be kids as long as they could be?” his wife replies.
Seizing the opportunity, Sandy Grape’s dad jumps in. “And Michael Jackson did go on to win multiple Grammy awards and sell millions of records.”
More “yeahs” come from the crowd.
“You make good points,” Joyce responds. “Let’s put it to a vote. All those in favor of implementing the Michael Jackson on all of our kids, say ‘aye.’”
The crowd unanimously votes, “Aye.” Joyce smiles.
“Then we’re agreed. Does anyone know where we can find the necessary Michael Jackson device?”
Ferret clears his throat and everyone looks at him.
*****
Chapter 6
Billy, Jack, Sandy, Candy, Molly and Tia sit with nine other students in Miss Ferguson’s classroom. Miss Ferguson is a peach. All of her students describe her as sweet, and the other teachers refer to her as a soft touch.
Billy, still dressed as Cher, glances across the room at Candy who stares back with a love struck look on her face. Billy turns away from Candy, scared.
Ferret looks in through the glass in the door to the classroom. Billy is surprised to see Ferret and immediately raises his hand.
“Miss Ferguson, can I go to the bathroom?” Billy asks.
“Whatever you want, Cher.”
“Miss Ferguson, you don’t have to keep calling me that.” Billy looks at Miss Ferguson who gives a confused look back. “Ah, never mind.”
Billy gets up and exits to the hallway. Billy and Ferret step away from the door.
“I don’t know what you’re doing here, but your plan isn’t working,” Billy complains.
“It wasn’t my plan. And I beg to differ. It seems to be working all too well.”
Ferret points back at the classroom door. Billy turns around to find Candy pressing her face up against the glass. When Candy sees Billy turn toward her, she presses her prepubescent chest up to the glass.
“Yeah, well, that’s the problem.” Billy turns back toward Ferret. “But still, what are you doing here?”
“I just came to warn you that your parents heard about all of the games you’ve been playing with the girls and your parents are coming down here to turn you all into little Michael Jacksons.”
“What?! Oh, no! That’s horrible!”
“Did you know that Michael still had a long and healthy career in spite of his deformity?”
“I don’t want to be a Michael Jackson. What are we gonna do?”
“Well, the PA system is in the dean’s office, and the dean is out gathering a mob to come get you. So...”
“Oh, I know what I have to do.” Realizing that he will have to disobey the school rules and break into the dean’s office, he lowers his head in resignation. “Oh, crappers!”
With Ferret behind him, Billy heads toward the dean’s office. With the door unlocked, Billy enters and stands in front of the PA mic.
“Attention all kids who live on Miller Avenue,” Billy begins.
Back in his classroom, Candy and all of Billy’s classmates look up at the speaker.
“Our parents are on their way to school to turn us all into Michael Jacksons.”
Tia stands up in a panic. “OH GOD NO!”
“If you don’t want to become a Michael Jackson, run for your lives. I repeat, run for your lives. That is all.”
The entire class quickly turns to Miss Ferguson. She concedes. “Yes class, you may run for your lives.”
Candy immediately jumps up onto her desk. “You heard Cher. Everybody, run for your lives.”
At once, all of the kids except two run out of Miss Ferguson’s class. Dozens of kids filter out of their classrooms into the hallway. Once in the hall, the kids run out onto the playground and then toward the woods.
The mob of parents pulls up to the front of the school with the Michael Jackson device. It is a menacing looking machine on tractor wheels. The machine has large mechanical crab claws coming from either side of it. The contraption continuously repeats Michael Jackson’s famous singing chant “AH-HEE-HEE.”
The parents run up to their kids’ class. Molly’s mom, Lady, leans into the room. “Miss Ferguson, do you know where our kids are?”
“Cher made an announcement about being turned into Michael Jacksons and they went running in fear.”
The parents look back at Candy’s dad who is still dressed as Cher.
“Don’t look at me. I’ve been with you the entire time.”
Ferret joins the parents.
“Where could they possibly have gone?” Molly’s mom continues.
Ferret speaks up. “Did you know that when a hoard of scared children flees their school, they usually head for the forest?”
Molly’s mom turns to Ferret and then addresses the group. “Everybody, to the forest.”
The parents run off.
*****
Chapter 7
The mob of parents, with the Michael Jackson device in tow, chases the hoard of children into the woods. The parents stop at the tree line.
“It’s no use. The Michael Jackson device will never make it through there. What can we do?” Joyce asks.
Jack Banana’s dad, Sam, addresses the crowd, “Wait, everyone. Maybe we should let them roam freely in the forest like feral children. Maybe they should live free from the constraints of society and an overbearing mother that traps and controls them.” Sam becomes lost in thought. “No, mother, I don’t want to become a doctor. I don’t want to become a doctor.”
Molly’s mom rebuffs the idea, “But if we did that, would we be considered good parents? I say that we should be good parents.”
“But is there anything that we can do?” Billy’s mom asks.
The ferret, who is quietly watching, speaks up, “Did you know that in the olden days, when an angry mob chased someone into the woods, they would then set the forest on fire to flush them out?”
“We’ll burn the forest down,” Molly’s mom yells to the crowd.
The mob cheers. “Hooray!”
“We’ll take the Michael Jackson device to the other side and wait for them to come out,” Joyce directs.
People with torches set the forest on fire.
All of the kids are in group deep in the woods. Billy, Jack and Sandy are with Candy, Molly and Tia.
Billy, the designated leader of the group, stares at the flames and smoke approaching in disbelief. “I can’t believe it. They set the forest on fire.”
Jack panics. “What do we do? What do we do?”
Candy turns to Billy, “Yes, what do we do, Cher?”
Billy looks around as the flames approach the kids. “Everybody run!”
The kids run, but the flames encircle Billy, Jack and Sandy. Candy, Molly and Tia stand outside the flames looking back at the boys.
“We’re surrounded,” Jack proclaims.
“You are all going to have to jump through the flames,” Candy yells over the crackling.
“We’re gonna have to do it,” Billy agrees.
The boys jump through the flames and their clothes catch on fire.
In a panic Candy yells at the boys. “Quick, take off your clothes! Take off your clothes!”
The boys take off their clothes and are standing in front of the girls naked.
Tia looks at the boys and has a sudden flash. “Oh, I get it. You didn’t mean an actual pickle. Oh, and you’re right. His is a lot bigger than the others,” Tia admires.
Billy and Sandy look across at Jack’s crotch. Both say, “Dude!”
Jack, embarrassed, yells, “I can’t help it! It has a mind of its own.”
“You’re making us look bad,” Sandy says under his breath.
Candy, released from her love trance, addresses the group with a new found purpose. “We’ve got no time for this. Let’s go.”
The kids run out of the forest into an open meadow. As they filter out they find themselves surrounded by the mob of parents. Directly in front of them is the Michael Jackson device.
“Oh, no!” Molly proclaims. “Candy, what do we do?”
“I don’t know,” Candy replies.
Billy, standing in the middle of all of the chaos, suddenly realizes what he must do. He lowers his head in resignation. “Oh, crappers!” He then gathers his courage and steps to the front of the hoard.
“Everybody stop. Stop everybody. This is crazy.” The crowd stops. Even the Michael Jackson device quiets down. “All of you want to turn us into Michael Jacksons because one of us was curious about the way life works. We’re growing up. You have to expect that to happen.”
Molly and Billy’s moms are standing next to the device. Molly’s mom speaks, “But it’s our job as parents to make sure that you can enjoy childhood as long as possible.”
The mob screams, “Yeah!”
Billy rebuts. “No, it’s your job to prepare us for all aspects of life. How are we supposed to become adults with healthy attitudes about sex if you teach us that exploring our sexuality is wrong?”
A parent yells, “The naked boy is right.”
“But it’s a dangerous world out there,” Molly’s mom yells to the group. “If you learn too much too fast, bad things could happen to you.”
Billy speaks up again, “Yes, but the world isn’t the same as when you grew up. We need to be prepared by being given more information and more ways of understanding, not less. We appreciate you trying to protect us, but you have to give us some room to make mistakes so that we don’t make bigger mistakes later.”
“Billy’s right,” Joyce adds. “We were so caught up in the fact that we were losing our babies that we forgot our most important job: to help prepare them for the world they will be joining, not the one that we grew up in.” Joyce looks at Billy with love in her eyes. “Come here, son.”
Billy walks into his mom’s arms and all of the kids walk toward their parents.
Jack Banana, feeling that he can use the current flexibility of the crowd, gathers his courage and addresses the group. “And also,” he begins, “I know everybody means well, but I don’t wanna be the gay one.”
A parent from the mob turns to look at Jack. The parent is about to agree with Jack when he yells out, “Hey, why does that kid have an erection?”
“He’s the gay one,” another replies.
“Ooooh!” the first parent acknowledges.
Jack lowers his head in defeat.
Billy’s mom hugs her son. Afterwards she looks into Billy’s eyes wondering how she could have considered doing what they were going to do. “I don’t even understand how we got to this point,” she says.
“Yeah, how did we get to this point?” Billy wonders aloud.
“Hmm,” Joyce says with resignation. “I guess we’ll never know.”
With her arms around her son they walk off.
Looking on from outside of the mob is Ferret. And with the demeanor of an evil YouTube chipmunk, he whips his head around to reveal a sinister side.
The End.
*****
Follow the author Cristian YoungMiller on twitter: @RateABull_guy
Connect with the author on Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Cristian-YoungMiller-The-Author/163837133675218
*****
Check out other books in the Everybody… series by Cristian YoungMiller including:
In Everybody vs The Ferret: 2, the girl fruitheads discover the magical power of going braless, and they unleash that power in their never-ending quest to rule the school. The boys, who are under the girls' spell, must rescue themselves and the school before the power of bralessness consumes everybody and takes over the world.
Based on characters from the author's Everybody Masturbates book series, Everybody vs The Ferret is a satirical book series about how we deal with sex and life in the Internet Age. In every book, Billy, Jack and their pet ferret battle Candy, Tia and the girls in the cold war being waged over who will rule their school. Comparable to the animated TV show South Park.
In Everybody vs The Ferret: 3, the girl fruitheads discover a mysterious button on their body that when pressed transports them to a beautiful world full of unicorns and rainbows. But when the boys discover their own mysterious buttons, a battle breaks out between the boys and girls over who will rule the magical realm.
*****
Everybody Masturbates is the perfect gift idea for anyone from age 8 to 42. In the style of the classic book Everyone Poops, Everybody Masturbates is designed to make boys and girls of all ages feel comfortable with masturbation. (It also makes a great party gift for adults.)
Everybody Masturbates: for Girls
Everybody Masturbates for Girls is the perfect gift idea for girls between the ages of 7 and 38. Also, in the style of the classic book Everyone Poops, Everybody Masturbates: for Girls addresses the specific issues that girls have in accepting their emerging sexuality. (It also makes a great party gift for adults.)
Everybody Has Those Thoughts: So It Doesn’t Mean You’re Gay is a great gift idea for anyone from ages 13 to 55. Written in plain, easy–to-read text, this book discusses why otherwise straight people have same-sex thoughts and dreams. Sexual arousal in same-sex situations doesn’t automatically mean someone is gay. This book will help the reader figure out their sexual orientation. (It also makes a great party gift for adults.)