How to Not Kill Yourself
A Survival Manual for the Novice and Intermediate Practitioner
By Alice B. Miggs
Copyright 2011 Alice B. Miggs
Illustrations by Karl Habegger
Smashwords Edition
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
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Part One: Intervention
Chapter 1- Don’t stop taking your medication.
Chapter 2 - You stopped taking your medication and feel suicidal.
Chapter 3 - You’re already on medication but you still feel suicidal.
Chapter 4 - You think that medication is bullshit & it won’t help you.
Chapter 6 - It’s your life, it’s your choice?
Chapter 7 - Your depression is a biological organism.
Chapter 8 - A note to parents: suicide is not an option for you.
Part Two: Avoidance skills
Chapter 9 - How to not kill yourself.
Chapter 10 - Telling someone: The Suicidal Code of Honor and Connection.
Chapter 11 - How to tell someone.
Chapter 12 - You told someone, but you still want to kill yourself.
Chapter 13 - Make commitments. Box yourself into living.
Chapter 14 - Avoiding this horrible hell again.
Chapter 15 - Put thoughts into action.
~~~
If you picked this book up because you’re thinking about ending your life, read on. I offer information about my experiences with obsessive suicidal thoughts and how I’ve managed to not kill myself. I’ve learned my lessons the hard way, white-knuckling through episodes and refusing to succumb to the siren song of what I see in those times as a way to end unbearable pain. What’s worked for me may work for you. All of it may. Some of it may. None of it may. Maybe it’s worked for me because I’m a 48-year-old woman who lives in California and has a dog. Maybe it’s worked for me because I’m tall, right-handed, a bit clumsy, and inevitably get cranky and fall apart when it’s even mildly hot.
My point is maybe it won’t work for you. You won’t know until you start reading and try some of my suggestions. But, really, what have you got to lose by giving it a shot? I don’t particularly care if you buy the book. It’s short. If you’re feeling suicidal, I know that you don’t have a lot of time or energy for this. Please feel free to sit in the corner of the store and flip through it. If you can’t afford it, please contact me through my website and I’ll find a way to get a copy to you at no cost.
The organization of this information may appear somewhat haphazard. That may be because (a) I’m assuming you’re at a crisis stage and I want to focus my comments on helping you step back from the ledge before I address subtler points; and/or (b) there is no order or linear organization for these types of things (i.e., living your life). If there were, or if you and I were the type to experience that linear logical life that others seem to live, you wouldn’t be reading this book and I wouldn’t be writing it.
Disclaimer
I’m not a mental health professional, but I know first-hand about suffering debilitating depressions and getting through periods where the pull to kill myself is overwhelming and seductive. I’ve been through five major episodes of suicidal ideation in my life. Restated: I know from being crazy. While I feel that my experiences may be of help to others, please realize that this isn’t medical advice. The best thing for you right now may be to contact your doctor, call 911, or contact a national or local suicide prevention hotline. As of this writing, the Suicide Prevention Hotline number is 800-273-8255. Their website is http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Part One: Intervention
Chapter 1
Don’t stop taking your medication.
If you are on medication, don’t stop taking it.
~~~
Chapter 2
You stopped taking your medication and feel suicidal.
Contact your doctor to find about going on medication and keep reading.
~~~
Chapter 3
You’re already on medication but you still feel suicidal.
Skip to chapter 5.
~~~
Chapter 4
You think that medication is bullshit & it won’t help you.
It is bullshit to some degree. It also isn’t to some degree. Let’s talk about it.
You: I’ve been on medication and it doesn’t help.
Me: Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re batshit crazy right now and want to end your life. You believe that you’re thinking clearly and logically because you haven’t felt this kind of clarity – the clarity you feel about the decision to end your life – for a long time. Before you decide that medication has not lessened your suffering in the past, please ask for feedback from those who’ve seen you when you are on it and when you’re not. Ask a few people, because you’re going to dismiss the first opinion you hear when someone says that he or she thought it helped you. (e.g., “Sure Mark is going to say that. He doesn’t know anything. Even though he knows about my past depressions, he doesn’t really know. He can’t even wear a t-shirt that isn’t stained. Mark is an ill-informed slob who wears stained clothing, therefore I reject his feedback.”)
This is the suicidal ideation talking. Your instinct is to reject this feedback because it contradicts what feels like a clear desire to kill yourself. That’s why it’s important to ask a few people. Maybe Mark is a dipshit in stained clothing. That may even be why you asked him, knowing that you could easily dismiss his feedback if you didn’t like it. If you find that you’re dismissing such feedback, ask some other people who know you.
You: They just say that they think it helped because they want me to live, but they don’t know me. Not the real me. The way I am now, not on medication, this is the real me.
Me: They do know you. The real you isn’t the you that you are when you’re in this state. Again, suicidal ideation can come with a seductive clarity. I’ll never quite understand why. For some sad reason, your brain wants you to believe and feel everything that’s required for you to decide to take your life now.
You: Medication is bullshit. Mental health professionals prescribe it in alarming numbers without really knowing me and what may or may not work for me. When they pick a medication to put me on, it’s like they toss a ball into a roulette wheel that has medication names instead of numbers.
Me: I know. I have felt this way before. I am finding, though, that in the past twenty years, health professionals seem to understand more and more about different medications and what may help you with your specific symptoms. To the extent that it’s a crapshoot, you might get lucky and get a medication that helps.
You: I tried [name of drug], it didn’t work.
Me: Try a different one.
You: I’ve tried so many. None seemed to help.
Me: Try another one.
You: What are you, some kind of shill for pharmaceutical companies?
Me: No. I hate them.
I hate the dearth of research and reliable scientific information in this field about what specifically works and what doesn’t and for what types of people and what types of manifestations of illness. I think in fifty years they’ll have much more sophisticated diagnostic tools available to pinpoint what medication is appropriate for you when you’re in this state.
I don’t like it that psychotropic medication isn’t all but free. I don’t like it that the free market is applied to pharmaceutical companies. I don’t like it that new drugs are locked up in patents for years, permitting big pharma to charge so much until a generic medication can be put on the market.
I resent that I’ve been on over a dozen antidepressants in my life, with only varying degrees of success and that it feels like each prescription has lacked the kind of specificity that it should. Don’t get me wrong, I think that doctors who prescribe psychotropic medication are generally highly educated in the field and sincerely do their best to prescribe the right medication to help you to wellness. They can only do so, though, to the extent that they have reliable data, in the form of research, to base their decisions on.
I find it frustrating that they say that it always takes time for a new medication to help ease your suffering, but that you inevitably feel a bit better after a few weeks anyway, so who knows if that specific medication helped you. I hate pharmaceutical companies and their profit-structure, I hate their slick ads, I hate their over-pimping of medication when people would be better off making lifestyle changes that would have an even better effect on their health.
You: Then why are you so adamant about trying medication?
Me: Because I went off mine a couple of months ago and slowly slid into a depression. I knew that it was likely that I would since I’d been on it for years, which could result in my brain bouncing around a bit until it found equilibrium. I figured that I had enough skills developed, from suffering through multiple chronic depressive bouts in the past, to deal with it. Unfortunately, a simple mild depression turned into a crazily strong stupid suicidal pull, which snuck up on me and sucker punched me. In past depressions in recent years, while on medication, I have not been suicidal. I’d been relatively well for years (YEARS!), and thought that maybe I had my mental health issues beat and didn’t need psychotropic medication anymore. I’d also been on a medication for, probably not so coincidentally, the same number of years that I was well. I thought that maybe my lifestyle changes were sufficient and that I didn’t need the medication. I was wrong.
You: Geez. Well, but that’s you, that’s not me.
Me: You don’t know that for sure. And you’re reading a book about how to not kill yourself, so things aren’t going that great for you. What do you have to lose by trying medication?
You: I’m worried that I won’t be my authentic self.
Me: You’re defining your authentic self as the person who you are right now. That person isn’t the real you. That person wants to kill you.
You: I’m worried that medication will affect my thinking or my creativity.
Me: That’s a possibility. If that happens, then you may want to try a different medication. These are all things that you should talk to a knowledgeable doctor about. One thing you have is time. Right now, you have the time to try different medications. You have the time to find the right one. I believe strongly that the right one is out there for you. Don’t rob yourself of this precious time. One thing is certain, nothing kills creativity like death.
~~~
You believe that you’re thinking more clearly than you ever have before, which must mean that this is the right decision.
Your clarity is misleading. Suicidal ideation is a protective strategy. A very fucked up one, but it works. When you can’t process or stand to be in your emotional state anymore, it’s one place where your mind goes: if I kill myself, I’m no longer enduring this endless hell.
If you’ve been feeling depressed and miserable for a while, your thinking has probably become cloudier and cloudier. When you decide that you’ve had enough, that you’re ready to take your life to end your misery, there’s a certain emotional peace that occurs simultaneously with the decision. That suffering that you’ve been going through? It will soon be over (so says your mind). This alleviates the suffering. By alleviating suffering, things seem clear and seem to make sense. You’re no longer thinking about your misery, but about moving toward the absence of pain (by ending your life). You’re in action mode. You’re no longer reacting to your circumstances (misery), but you’re taking steps to end that misery.
There’s an inherent sense of clarity that comes with that seeming promise of relief. We all want to grasp at any clarity or logic that we have in our lives. This is especially true for those of us who see inherent contradictions in many areas of life. It’s particularly seductive when we’ve been enduring some seemingly never-ending hell.
The fact that you have clarity about the decision does not make it the right decision.
~~~
It’s your life, it’s your choice?
This is one of the tougher points for me to argue against. I strongly hold this belief about my own life. I feel this deeply for others too. What troubles me is that you’re making this choice when you’re not thinking clearly. You mistakenly believe that the sense of clarity you have as a result of finding a way to escape your pain means that you are thinking clearly. You’re also making this choice when you’re not yourself. I realize that this is somewhat circular: how can you ever make the choice to kill yourself if by the act of making that choice, you’re defining yourself as not your normal self? I can’t argue against the circular nature of this argument. I know it’s true nonetheless.
I also want to point out something to you. You’re reading a book called “How to Not Kill Yourself.” An important part of you isn’t ready to make this choice yet.
~~~
Chapter 7
Your depression is a biological organism.
I’ve suffered from chronic depression since adolescence, on and off, for decades. Things started to ease a bit for me, and the depression became more bearable, when I started to view depression as its own living biological organism. I started to see it as a parasite and me as its host. All of the things that you want to do when you’re depressed, such as radically changing your sleeping and eating patterns, isolating yourself from others, getting little to no exercise, not leaving the house, and not leaving the bed or couch, create a fertile ground for depression to thrive.
I bring this up at this point because another effect of depression is that it makes you think that it’s the one true state of being. It makes you think that the person you are when you’re not depressed is not your authentic self. I used to think that those periods of deep disabling depressions were when I was most myself. I’ve even felt, in those moments, that the times when I wasn’t in that state were times when I was false and not who I truly am. I believed that my true self was a deeply depressed, isolated, and negative person.
Bullshit. It’s utter bullshit. Please trust me on this. It took me years to learn it. Just like you cannot be your cancer, neither can you be your depression. It’s a physical illness of the brain. It doesn’t define who you truly are or what your personality is truly like. Think about depression, or whatever mental health state you’re in now. Doesn’t it behave like a virus or parasite? Treat it, not yourself, like the unwelcome visitor that it is.
There’s more for you out there. There’s a better experience of life in your future.
~~~
A note to parents: suicide is not an option for you.
Sorry, but it’s just not.
I am alive today only because of my children. I do not doubt for an instant that I would have taken my life during one of my earlier suicidal periods if I had not had children. My suicidal bouts were strong and I used to not know how to weather them.
When I was 24, before I had children, I attempted suicide and was hospitalized. I met other people in the hospital who had also made failed attempts. I also met some adult children of parents who had killed themselves. In summary, nothing fucks a kid up, and quite possibly the adult that kid becomes, like having a parent kill him or herself. Maybe you know someone whose parent committed suicide. If you have any doubt, ask your friend about the effects of this tragic event.
When I had children, a few years after that suicide attempt, I was fully committed to living and did not realize that I’d go through more suicidal depressive states. It was, and is, brutal hanging in through each one, but I wasn’t going to do that to my kids.
I hope you won’t either. So do they. Things will feel more bearable. Read on.
~~~
Part Two: Avoidance skills
Chapter 9
How to not kill yourself.
Talk Therapy
I already addressed medication. I assume that inherent in my advice that you take medication is that you also participate in talk therapy, but perhaps it’s (sadly) no longer implicit. Many doctors will prescribe medication with little to no talk therapy. Prescribing medication and providing talk therapy are two very different skills. Some people have both skills, but that seems to be more infrequent. I generally work with a talk therapist in addition to a psychiatrist when I’m in crisis.
I don’t know how many therapists I’ve worked with since I was 14. Not counting the therapists at the hospital, the number is probably around a dozen. Therapy has never cured me. It has never changed who I am in a fundamental way. It never will. I’ll go for months or years of not going to a therapist, and then things will hit a crisis point for me (like they have for you now) and I’ll go see someone. I find talk therapy very helpful when I’m in crisis and it’s essential when I’m feeling suicidal. It helps in that I change what I do and, to a smaller extent, what I think. It’s easy to get caught up in thoughts, especially when you feel suicidal, but the trick is to focus more on what’s happening outside of your thoughts. Paying attention to what you’re doing is one way to do that. For example, during one very deep depression, I noticed that I was spending a lot of money on food. I decided to start tracking my money and create a livable budget. I worked on the budget and tweaked it as I learned more about my spending habits and what I did and didn’t want to spend my money on. This was a small gesture at the time relative to the noise in my head. It still helped enormously. I had something else to focus on and, important to me at the time, something I could control.
You may be afraid that if you tell a therapist that you’re suicidal, that that person is mandated by law to call 911. I frankly don’t know under what circumstances a doctor or therapist is required to report your suicidal feelings. If that’s a huge hurdle for you (you’re feeling suicidal, but don’t want to escalate things to a point that suddenly you’re being hospitalized against your will), I recommend that you contact therapists or doctors and ask them under what circumstances they will have to report you.
The only time I was threatened with mandatory hospitalization in a psych ward was after I attempted suicide and was recovering in the medical hospital. I told the doctors (including the psychiatrist who was assigned to me) that as soon as I got out of the hospital, I was going to kill myself. I didn’t say that I thought about killing myself, I said that I was going to kill myself. It was a point of honor with me. I didn’t really know anything about involuntary hospitalization at the time, so I didn’t realize that by being a clear danger to myself, I would have been hospitalized with or without my consent. When my doctor “recommended” that I go to the hospital, it was clear that I didn’t have much choice. I could commit myself voluntarily or go involuntarily. I decided that I’d rather go voluntarily.
Don’t be deterred about the prospect of hospitalization though if it comes to that. I’m not a big proponent of it (nor am I an opponent of it), but it just wasn’t the big deal I feared it would be. I lost my job. I lost a couple of friends. Those things paled compared to being dead. If you’re thinking about dying anyway, a few days in a hospital isn’t going to kill you. Finding a new job and new friends who can really be with you and there for you when you need them isn’t that big of a deal compared to being dead.
I have told therapists several times that I felt very suicidal and was having a hard time resisting the urge. While the subject of hospitalization came up, none of them ever made me go or reported me to anyone (to my knowledge).
Talk therapy is helpful because if you’re wrestling with suicidal ideation, you’ve likely been thinking about this on your own, and over-thinking it at that. Talking about this with a mental health professional will help. The mere fact that you take yourself and your pain seriously enough in this moment to get professional help sends yourself a strong signal that relieves a bit of the pressure that’s been building. (You may not be aware of the pressure, but once it subsides somewhat, you’ll realize how intense it’s been for you.) Just making the appointment for talk therapy and showing up will make you feel a bit better.
If you haven’t liked the therapists you’ve worked with in the past, find a new one. Yes, you may eventually feel that you’ve gotten all that you’re going to get from the next therapist at some point in time. That’s as it should be. At that point, you’ll either get a new therapist or stop therapy, for a while at least.
If the therapist you see makes you feel uncomfortable, go to someone else. Therapists are people. Some people we click with, some we don’t. You absolutely need someone you click with.
~~~
Chapter 10
Telling someone: The Suicidal Code of Honor and Connection.
This may be the hardest instruction to follow and the one that you’ll really resist. But this is the one thing that has helped me the most and kept me from killing myself. You need to tell a few people, preferably friends and not family, that you’re feeling suicidal. Friends are better than family, especially parents. They’re going to overly freak out and not be able to be logical at all. If either of my children told me that they were feeling suicidal, I could not help but react as a parent and want to dramatically intervene. Instead, a caring friend who can be there and listen in a more supportive dispassionate fashion is more helpful. You need a caring friend. Read on.
Friends, or if need be acquaintances, can handle hearing about your suicidal thoughts. I know, I hear you. I have always felt the same way – no way am I telling my friends. They will see me through this period (maybe) and then they’ll dump me as a friend. They’ll think I’m weird. They’ll judge me. They’ll tell other people I know. No they won’t. And if they do, fuck ‘em. They aren’t the kind of friends you’ll miss. Even now, in my most recent bout, I reached out to an acquaintance that I thought could hear it and be helpful. He refused to do either. It spoke volumes about his character and showed me that he wasn’t a good person to rely upon. I sought out others who were there for me and were able to hear what I was feeling. It helped enormously and I think it kept me from making a suicide attempt on at least two occasions during my most recent bout.
It’s essential that you tell people how you’re feeling for two reasons.
1. The Suicidal Code of Honor
When I was in the hospital, the other suicide survivors discussed how one of the worst things you could do to people is to tell them that you’re suicidal and then actually kill yourself. You may know someone that this has happened to. It haunts that person because they think that surely there was something they should have said or done. They will think about this for the rest of their lives. At some point, hopefully, they may be able to accept it without blaming themselves.
You’re not an asshole. You’re not the kind of person who would tell someone that you wanted to kill yourself, only to end up doing it, and leave that person wondering in torment what they should have said or done to keep you from it.
This is the first reason that you need to tell someone. By telling someone, you’re setting up a construct for yourself that you have to live with. That is, by reaching out and relying on someone to hear where you are, you are tacitly (to yourself, if not to that person) making a promise to live through this. You care enough about this person and feel close enough to this person to confide about your intense suicidal feelings. This is not someone you want to cause harm to.
2. Connection.
There’s another reason to tell a few friends or acquaintances about this. Suicidal ideation thrives when you’re isolated. You can ruminate about it all fucking day long if you’re not talking about it with people. Once you tell people, you’re connecting. It’s our isolation from others, at a deep and real level, that can strongly reinforce the desire to kill oneself. You’ve probably heard this before and it’s fine if you want to kick me under the table for saying it: humans are social creatures. Connecting with other people, and there’s no deeper connection than for you to demonstrate the trust you have in a friend by confiding something so deeply personal, is essential for health. Some people can thrive in isolation. You’re not one of them. How do I know this? Because you want to kill yourself. I realize that this is also circular logic, but it’s still true.
~~~
How to tell someone.
Yeah, it’s really tough the first time. I didn’t tell people about my suicidal ideations until after my failed attempt. I was embarrassed and thought that no one would understand it.
When I have told people during suicidal bouts, I have basically just said it. “I feel suicidal.” Maybe you want to ease into it a bit (e.g., “things haven’t been going well”). There’s no easy way to start this conversation, you just have to take the plunge and start talking.
The difficulty with telling someone is that, aside from mental health professionals, most people aren’t used to hearing someone confide to them that they feel suicidal. Think about how you might have reacted if someone told you that she was feeling suicidal and it was sort of out of the blue and you’d never had any suicidal ideation yourself (or at least not to the extent you feel it now) and it felt foreign and scary.
So, let’s help that person out. The following text has instructions for the person you’re going to confide in. Hand it to him or her to read before you start talking.
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Advice to the Listener
1. Your friend is about to confide in you that they feel suicidal.
2. Don’t freak out.
3. They’re telling you this because they feel that they can trust you, they think that there’s a certain depth to you and to your connection (even if you’re just acquaintances), and they think you can handle it.
4. For this to be helpful for your friend, your main job is to shut up and listen. You have no idea how much just listening to them, without judgment or bossiness, helps them.
5. Don’t interrupt them. Don’t tell them about your sister/friend/father who killed themselves (unless asked). You should basically just be actively listening.
6. Don’t gasp in horror or get all dramatic in your reactions. It’s okay, however, to knit your brow or sort of frown (in loving concern) and generally not be thrilled about this sad news.
7. If it sort of flows, help your friend make some plans and identify solutions to deal with this major health problem. Your friend needs to find a good therapist (if he/she hasn’t already) and psychiatrist or medical doctor. I’d say that’s really the main thing you should accomplish.
8. If your friend asks for other feedback or advice, here are some good things to say:
I’m glad you felt close enough to tell me.
I am so sorry you’re in so much pain.
Will you please call me when you’re feeling suicidal, any time, day or night? (They probably won’t call as their suicidal feelings ebb and flow, but maybe they will. It will also make you feel better to say this and really truly offer it. It also reinforces to your friend that you’re really there for him or her and that you’re okay with their confiding these intense feelings with you.)
9. Summary:
Listen (frowning okay);
Don’t interrupt;
Assist with plans for getting help;
Indicate your loving reassurance that you’re glad they told you.
10. Follow up. Keep checking in with your friend every couple of days or so. Even when he says that everything is better (which it probably will be), you should still check in. Don’t tiptoe around. “Do you still feel suicidal sometimes” is an okay thing to say. Your friend needs to talk about his suicidal feelings. They need to know they’re not weird or defective for having those feelings. They need to know that they’re still loved and accepted by their friends during this difficult period.
-----------------------------------------
~~~
Chapter 12
You told someone, but you still want to kill yourself.
Telling people how you feel often relieves the pressure, but the simple act of confiding in someone doesn’t necessarily change your current experience in a lasting way. But the people you tell will likely want you to promise them that you will call them when you feel suicidal. You must do this. You don’t have to tell them that you’re suicidal when you are. But when you are suicidal, you must make yourself be with someone else. At a minimum, leave your home and go someplace where other people are. It is not a good idea and is not safe to spend a lot of time alone when you’re feeling suicidal.
~~~
Make commitments. Box yourself into living.
Keep living your life as though you’re going to keep living your life. Now isn’t the time to do any estate planning or make a will or give your things away. Now is the time to sign up for a two-year contract for internet service or join a class that meets for several months. Take steps to indicate to yourself that you plan on sticking around. If you have a choice of signing up for something for one year or three years, go for three years. Even though normally I don’t recommend this, sign up for the extended warranty plan when buying electronic equipment or appliances. If appropriate, get a pet (this is a huge decision though, so think it through pretty carefully and talk to friends and your therapist about it).
Let yourself dream of big changes. Don’t pick anything yet. Avoid making major decisions until the suicidal ideation has passed. But you can make a list of things you want to make plans about. Taking a vacation. Signing up for a class. Volunteering. Moving. Starting a new career.
Make plans to see people. You have to gauge this somewhat as your energy may be difficult to muster for socializing. Maybe keep it one-on-one to meet up for a cup of coffee. During my most recent bout, I had about three or four friends who I’d told I was suicidal, and I checked in with them periodically and met up with them. We didn’t always talk about my health or my issues. We’d also talk about their stuff, books, whatever. Whatever plans you can make that you think won’t make you feel drained are plans that you should make.
Plan and make little changes now. What book to read next? What movie to watch? What walk to go on today? What’s for dinner? If you’re feeling suicidal, you may have a lot of energy. Harness it in other directions. For example, you can write a book telling other people how you manage to get through a suicidal time period. You know, sort of a How To guide of sorts. You are not alone in going through this experience. You are not a failure for going through this experience. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You have come up short in no way. You’re surviving a hellish time. That speaks volumes about your character.
~~~
Avoiding this horrible hell again.
I know for a fact that, if you choose to survive this period, you’ll come out of it. You won’t feel suicidal for the rest of your life. While I have some suggestions about how to avoid a return to this kind of health issue, I know of no surefire way that avoids experiencing it in the future. Nonetheless, I offer what I’ve learned so far and what I do believe has helped me avoid going through this hell more often than I have:
1. Re-read Chapter 1. Live Chapter 1.
2. I know if I say exercise, you will hunt me down and [do something super mean], so I won’t say that. Frankly, if I went to a gym even once a week, I would be either homicidal or suicidal for sure. I hate gyms. But you may love them. The truth is that there is some kind of movement that you like doing and you need to rediscover it and do it. If you don’t know what that would be, what kinds of things did you enjoy doing physically when you were a kid? Find those things. Do those things. Keeping physical energy flowing is key to being emotionally healthy. For me, those things are walking/hiking and yoga.
3. Food. Food is fuel. What kind of fuel are you taking in? Is it best for you? Only you know this. Maybe you feel best eating a macrobiotic diet. Maybe you feel best eating a giant cheeseburger. Eat what feels intuitively right for you. This may change over time. Keep listening to your body and notice how you feel after you eat.
4. Connect with people. If you tend toward introversion (as I do), this may be challenging for you. You may have some cluster of personality factors or background experiences that make connecting with and trusting other people difficult. You must find ways to overcome this. You must find people with whom you can connect. At least get out and hear live music or go where other people are. Get off your couch and out of your house. If you’re at a point where you can’t get out of the house, ask friends to come visit you.
5. Be of use. A deflated self-esteem and suicidal ideation can be linked. By being of use to people (through your work or through volunteer work or just helping neighbors, etc.) you may have better self-esteem. That whole existential borderline nihilist thing has a tough time staying in the forefront of your mind when you’re of service to others.
6. The moment you start feeling depressed (or however you were feeling when you started the slide that led you to this state of mind), fight it. Make yourself take active steps to try to cut it off. See a therapist. Check in with your doctor about medication. Make plans to see friends. Get out of the house. Nip it in the bud as soon as possible. Don’t wait until it’s really bad. This took me years to figure out.
7. Is something essential missing in your life that you’d like to add? A different career, closer connections to friends, a type of spirituality? Don’t stop following these inclinations and curiosities. Take classes, drop in on lectures or book talks, explore different areas near where you live. Keep learning and growing and paying attention.
~~~
Put thoughts into action.
While I’ve shared in this book what has helped me, you may have found that different things help you. Please come and share those things on the companion website to this book: http://howtonotkillyourself.wordpress.com. As I’ve taken my pain and used it to try to help others, so can you. I may have missed some things that other people find helpful. Go to the website and see if they’re there. If not, leave a note. If they are, leave a comment for the person who left the note.
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Breathe.
Connect.
Live.
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Several friends patiently read and offered essential feedback in the creation of this book. Their assistance, wisdom, and dedication in helping me and, consequently, others leaves a lasting legacy. Deepest thanks to Allyson H, Jean, Karl, Lisa, Sivan, and Suzy.
This work would not be possible without the two most important people in my life: Allyson and Michael. I dedicate this to them and thank them for inspiring me to try to help others.
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