#Conversationstoppers:
Puns, Non Sequiturs, Impossible Scenarios
by
Leon Shure
SMASHWORDS EDITION
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PUBLISHED BY:
Leon Shure on Smashwords
#Conversationstoppers:
Puns, Non Sequiturs, Impossible Scenarios
Copyright © 2011 by Leon Shure
Smashwords Edition License Notes
All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.
Smashwords Edition License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author's work.
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This book is dedicated to my sons, Mark and Jeffrey.
These #Conversationstoppers first appeared on my Twitter page at twitter.com\slistack. I am also the author of the mystery, “Fatal Sisters” at http://goo.gl/9K81d on Smashwords and on all ebook readers. My latest mystery is “The Baba Yaga, a Dr. Adam Karl Mystery” at http://goo.gl/HWGw1
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#Conversationstoppers:
Puns, Non Sequiturs, Impossible Scenarios
He had such low self-esteem, he only swam in Lake Inferior.
One surgeon grabbed my right leg, the other grabbed my left, and the nurse said “Make a wish!”
When I flossed, I found a piece of napkin from Abraham Lincoln’s wedding.
A coyote ate the dog that ate my homework.
I read the book “The Life of our 16th President,” by Abra Hamlin Kohn.
I was invited up onto the stage to play with the Beatles.
The IRS agent laughed
I didn’t think it was embezzlement if I really needed the money.
As I heard the elevator cables snap, one by one, I formed a desperate plan.
Wolves picked up the scent of my blood.
I never believed in the flesh eating virus until my arm fell off.
I survived Ebola.
My first aid experience failed at that point.
Only I prevented forest fires.
I did not look like my identical twin.
There was the slightest chance I had switched the two trains onto the same track, running towards each other.
I drove myself to distraction and to New Orleans.
I did not ask for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for me.
I won the Kentucky Derby.
I gave rabies to a bat.
I’m on my sixth marriage.
I only shop at Harrod’s.
As I went under the waves for the third and last time, I thought of you.
I was so lost, my GPS system asked me for directions.
I’m next in line to fight the champ.
Apparently, I’m immune to snake venom.
I can breathe under water.
I was eventually rescued by the Mounties.
My surgeon sneezed at just the wrong moment.
Only the most hardy can survive the North Pole.
When I met the author at party, I quoted whole chapters of his book.
When she introduced me to her mother, her mother passed out.
When she introduced me to her father, he wept.
It only hurts when you laugh.
She gave me an ultimatum and I made a terrible mistake.
I shouted but I was sunk too deep for anyone to hear.
She left me exhausted.
My first aid experience failed at that point.
I can do the Indian Rope Trick.
I told the muscle-bound bully, “You can’t talk to my woman that way!”
My carotid was slashed by shrapnel.
The crow tried to peck my eyes out.
The doctors were unable to reattach my fingers.
I climbed Mount Everest.
My son told the man with a knife that he was the ugliest person he had ever seen.
I suspected the fund was a Ponzi scheme, but I was investing someone else’s money.
The salesman smiled when he realized I had outmaneuvered him.
Edgar Allen Poe admired my work.
As my car sank under the stormy waters, I remembered that I had just sent in my last car payment.
I invented Twitter.
Morning dawned, and the firing squad assembled to send me to, hopefully, a better place.
The sun took its toll, and unless I found water soon I would surely perish.
This was the only goose who knew not North.
I was named after the Oregon Trail.
Destiny determined a better fate for me than for most mortals.
I walked on Mars.
When my parachute failed to open, I realized that, statistically speaking, my chances were not good.
I have the courage of your convictions.
The eagle screamed at midnight.
Nobody knows the troubles I’ve seen, so you’ll be the first.
Running through the Everglades, the hounds on my heels, I stopped to smell the flowers.
The best advice I gave the President was to take my advice.
Designing bridges apparently was not my strong point.
Tabasco or not Tabasco, that is the culinary question.
My life flashed in front of me and I finally understood.
Unable to reach the safety of the allied lines, I switched allegiances.
Night fell and so did I.
I’m so dexterous; I can wiggle out of my obligations.
Driving did not distract me from texting.
I lived life to the foulest.
When my costume split, I danced with the stares.
My vampire brushed after every meal.
Faced with a shortage of life-saving serum, I could either save my supervisor or myself.
I wrote the Shakespeare plays.
I solved the Fufenawfal conundrum.
My lawyer asked for money upfront.
There is no such thing as a free lunch, and this one cost $20.00.
Created by the massive forces of an earthquake, the huge wave washed my clothes.
After I tripped over the bear cub, I tried to reassure its mother that meant no harm.
My split-pea soup won the peas prize at the country fair.
When I asked for her cell number, she told me her name was Ann Nonymous.
Determined to defeat the vampire, I only ate garlic for a week.
I started out making meatballs and spaghetti, but ended up with veal and rice.
I have two left hands, literally.
Confronted with the truth, I made up a new lie.
Broken hearted, the tin man sought a transplant.
Better to have loved and lost, than to fall down a well.
My family was too poor to eat couscous. We only ate cous.
Who knew crossbows could backfire?
Aurora bored Alice.
A nose by any other name would smell as sweetly.
An earthquake hit just as I was making the last critical cut on the huge diamond.
The ravenous tiger leaped over the moat, smelled my scent, and leaped back.
When the fish tank cracked, the fish felt a “disturbance in the force.”
I believed my parachute would have opened, given more time.
After being assaulted in a salt mine, I was peppered with questions by the media.
My father-in-law discouraged me from wearing a seatbelt.
After a lifetime of hooting, the owl growled.
I received a direct message from Santa on Twitter.
The Sherpa guide mistook me for the Abominable Snowman.
The alien baby sprang from my chest, looking, unfortunately, like my wife’s side of the family.
I invented the airplane only a few minutes after the Wright brothers.
What do you expect from a state with a name that is a combination if “ill” and “annoy’?
Freezing to death in the Arctic winds, I lit my last match with all my remaining strength, but the match fell.
My anti-skid brakes went AWOL.
Pass the poison!
Time waited.
No one gives their child a name with the initials S.T.D. anymore.
Why is there no Duke named Donald?
Rome wasn’t built in a haze.
I invented a new excuse for taking the day off.
I was able to identify three new insect species in my salad.
The painkiller numbed the wrong part of my body.
First I novated, then I renovated. I newed my subscription, then, the next year, I renewed.
The weight lifter, needing cash, weighed his options and optioned his weights.
Mighty Crazy had struck out!
The wrestler rested.
First I belled and then I rebelled.
I was buffed, then I was rebuffed. First I plied, then replied, turned, then returned.
My henchmen forgot to hench.
When did the flamingo go?
What does a car wrecker do for wreck creation?
As the clock ticked down to zero, the winning basketball hovered over the net, then exploded!
Washington lied!
My mother got confused and made soap.
She said it was better to have loved and lost, but I heard it’s “better to lube your toast.”
He said his life is an open book, but what I heard was “my wife is an Oakland cook.”
Struggling in the quicksand, I realized that I would only be able to say one more thing, so I took a deep breath and said:
Only a bad Freudian dies Jung.
History repeats itself for archeologists.
The soothsayer was dumped in a doomster.
I knew this dame, Sweet Betsey of Pike. Wanted a PI to follow her lover, Ike.
I read this book, “Be Prepared,” by Justin Case.
As head scientist, I was the mentor of invention.
I read the book, “How to Get Organized,” by Ima Mess.
As the bullfighter said, “I’ve never been so gored in all my life!”
There are minorities, but I like mynority the best.
Fearing abduction, the duck ducked.
I moved my pants factory to Iowa and renamed it the Britches of Madison County.
With so many marriages and divorces, I had an exes excess.
After we broke up, I lost my fond.
You put the “annoy” in paranoia.
I read the book, “Spend Eternity with Me,” by Tara Pitts.
The numismatist coined a phrase.
As the philatelist said, “You have my stamp of approval.”
As the humming ichthyologist said, “Sometimes you just can’t get a tuna out of your head.”
She said “Let sleeping dogs lie,” but what I heard was “Let leaping hogs fly”!
After angering my English professor, I had to avoid a flying “Chaucer.”
Our weather forecaster got confused and said there was a tomato alert until 5 p.m.
Strangely enough, our butcher gave us a three wing turkus this Thanksgiving.
When my relatives came for Thanksgiving dinner, we had a four curse meal.
I read the book, “I Don’t Care,” by Ann Hedonic.
I read the book, “I’d Like to Give You a Squeeze,” by Anna Konda.
I read the book, “What is that Noise?” by Isabelle Ringing.
I’m willing to do anything for you up to the point of being inconvenienced.
I read the book, “I Only Eat Healthy,” by Newt Riches.
I read the book, “I Only Eat Organic,” by Al Natural.
Most people are nice but you are an exception to the rude.
I read the book, “Recipe Suggestions,” by Becka Kake.
I read the book, “I’ll Get This Right,” by Eve Ventchully.
She called him her “fiend with benefits.”
When it rained so much, it was a deluge of grandeur.
I read the book, “Culture Really Doesn’t Interest Me,” by Phyllis Steen.
The pharmacist named his children Jen and Eric.
My stock broker told me to diversify, so I threw all my poetry books away.
I read the book, “I’m Not as Fierce as I Look,” by Farrah Oshus.
I’m paying my taxes this year, whether the government needs my money or not.
I read the book “I Know What Language You’re Speaking,” by Rose Etta Stone.
A hunter thought the “Beverage” setting on his microwave oven was for cooking beavers.
My manuscript for a cook book was rejected because I confused the words “flour” and “flower.”
A cheerful penguin made a pengrin.
I love football but I don’t have a very good grasp of its puntuation.
My editor rejected the title, “The Shallow Ending of Mrs. Poole.”
I changed my cat’s litter for 10 years and he never once said “Thank you.”
If I reveal that I have replaced my front door, I’ve disclosed a door.
If I lie to get people to leave a party, I’ve ended a reception with a deception.
I read the book, “I Really Like Cartoons,” by AnnaMae Shun.
Antiductive, the opposite of productive: “Everything he did antiductively caused more work for others to correct.”
Antitocal: the opposite of protocol, as in “The captain of the sinking ship antitocolled and saved himself first.”
At my aquarium, we have multi-porpoise room.
I liked the works of Edgar Allen Poe so much, you could say I was poesessed.
About the author:
Leon Shure is a lawyer and former newspaper reporter, currently living in the Chicago area.
Other Books by the author, also available on all e-book readers:
Fatal Sisters
When her husband's mistress, Megan Spevak, is murdered, Ashley Simon must flee her pleasant suburban life and assume Megan's life in the city or be murdered herself. A good plan until Megan's brother, Thomas, returns from military service and finds that someone is impersonating his sister. Hiding his own identity, Thomas searches for the truth, but may become another victim of the murderer.
The Baba Yaga, a Dr. Adam Karl Mystery
A young
doctor, Adam Karl, who has perceptual problems, and his “seeing eye
woman,” Kayko Brasen, are asked by a Chicago Police Detective,
Michael Dunne, to get testimony from an autistic child who is the
only witness to his mother’s murder. For their efforts, Adam and
Ms. Brasen are stalked and attacked by the murderer. Adam suspects he
is also being stalked by his father's murderer.
These #Conversationstoppers first appeared on my Twitter page at twitter.com\slistack.