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Why Marriages and Relationships Fail or Succeed.

Published by Strategic Insight Publishing

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Introduction

Every Human Dilemma

“There is power in knowing...” Joel Akande

Thank you for choosing to read this book. You are holding in your very hands, a book like no other. You are about to unravel, as never before published, stunning insights into the influences that shape human relationships---personal and business---influences that may lead a relationship ---personal or business--- into either failure or success, a happy finale or an acrimoniously sad ending. These are influences that you can not escape from; they will in one way or another affect your association with other individuals. I will rather prefer that you know about them, make use of them and avoid the traps that lay ahead in difficult relationships. The same traps that have dogged many unwary people and confined their relationships into: “if I had known what I know now, I should have done things in a different way”. This book is about what you need to “know now... so that you can do things in a different way”.

I want to say right at the outset that this book is about you, holding and reading this book, advising you, in relationship terms, to look before you leap as well as helping you to assess with a view to improving your existing relationships at home with your spouse, with your children and at work with your boss and your friends at large. The book is not a defence for nor attack on one relationship or the other. This is an open book written to help you live better and to help you improve your decision-making process.

Let me say right now that you need relationships if you are ever to make progress in this life. You need the right ones too. For example, if you happen to live next to the wrong neighbour, you may be in trouble for a long time. Yet, no one is an island or a beacon of “all in all”. You can not go through this life on your own, as a single person, without being in one form of relationship or the other. It may not necessarily be an intimate relationship.

***

In spite of the foregoing argument, you are at liberty to choose to live in isolation. There are benefits in doing so. I, however, bet that living in seclusion from others is, in the image of Greek terms, a Herculean task. Of course that is the dilemma and the object of this book: to shed light into how you can either best live in isolation or in association. The choice is yours. If you choose to live a life of loneliness, you will find comfort in this book. Also if you decide to live in association, you will find great help in this book. You decide.

If you have existing relationships, this book will also help you to decide if you are on the right track or not. Should you not be on the right track, from this book, you can draw your conclusions as to what you can do to improve things. These are simple and straightforward, logical and well-proven truths and facts.

***

The aim of the author is to put in the open, those things which you ought to know about before you ever take the first step to get involved with another person of the opposite gender, e.g. in the case of marriage, as well as those things which you the reader should consider doing before you enter into any form of relationship, be it platonic or sexual, business or ordinary friendship. Human beings, it may interest you, can hardly be depended upon to hold a particular position of principle for a long time. Faced with mild to severe danger or the need for pleasure and personal survival, a human being would, in a lot of cases, abandon the ship that contained the relationship and the other individuals that are in it. Yet, for you as a reader to survive well in this world, you need people, dependable people around you: That is called relationship, for short. You will need to trust and be dependent on others for your continued existence.

Most relationships would fail or do fail for the simple reason that the partners or individuals who are involved fail in their strategic foresight in knowing what the future holds or what is in store for them before they take the crucial and, as a friend of mine used to put it, “indelible” step of connecting with the other person. A human relationship also fails for the plain reason that each individual simply fails to “gel” with the other: either that the vision diverges or there is a division in the vision!

The basis for this, whilst, it’s further explained in the book, can be found on the ground of failed intensions and desires of either or both parties to the relationship. How pleasant would it be, imagine, if a relationship could mirror a jigsaw or puzzle when it all fits snugly together in one piece---all in agreement in pursuit of a common purpose!

***

Now, regarding the authority of this book, I wish to state that, the book is borne out of the need to provide truthful and helpful information to the readers. On that basis, I have done extensive research in medical or clinical medicine, particularly psychological, as well as legal positions on relationships. In addition, I have considered the social effects and consequences of forming a relationship between individuals and why it so often ends up in conflicts.

I have taken a critical look at business relationships and what informs them too.

The outcome of this extensive work is borne out in this book.

Readers need not be anxious about technicalities regarding the various specialities which I have referred to above. I have not bothered to cite complex arguments in the book but just straightforward decisive information and examination to help you to make an informed decision about where you are heading: To know the very end before you begin is the aim of this book.

With this clarification, I can step forward to how the book is organised. Please trust and follow me in this pathway.

This book is divided into three sections. The first section deals with intimate relationships such as marriages and “partnerships” or as they are commonly called “co-habitation”.

***

The second section of the books deals with platonic or non-intimate and non-sexual relationships, such as ordinary friendships, business relations and family connections including relations between parents and children. The second section also deals with relationship between siblings and extended families. Presumably, this is how the larger relationships between family (inter-families) relationships are formed and by extension, inter-communities and international relationships.

Crucially, similar principles underline them all. I discuss such principles in this book.

The third and final section is concerned with maintenance of our on-going relationships as well as abuses that may arise in our association with other people.

***

Now let me give a synopsis of some of the sections which I mentioned above.

Let me start with: Marriages and “partnerships” or “co-habitation”.

The data on marriages in the last 100 years in Western Europe and America is not an encouraging read. At best, it’s puzzling.

Let us begin in the UK.

Here is an excerpt from the National Office of Statistics:

“In 2006, there were 275,140 weddings in the UK, a fall of 4 per cent since 2005. Marriages in England and Wales fell by 4 per cent in 2006 to 236,980, which is the lowest number of marriages since 1895. In Scotland, marriages dropped 3 per cent to 29,898, whilst in Northern Ireland marriages increased 1 per cent to 8,259. The long-term picture for UK weddings is one of decline from a peak of 480,285 marriages in 1972.

In England and Wales, the number of unmarried adults rose in 2006, but the number who chose to marry fell, producing the lowest marriage rates on record. In 2006, the marriage rate for men was 22.8 men marrying per 1,000 unmarried men aged 16 and over, down from 24.5 in 2005. The marriage rate for women in 2006 was 20.5 women marrying per 1,000 unmarried women aged 16 and over, down from 21.9 in 2005.

The number of marriages in England and Wales that were the first for both partners peaked in 1940 at 426,100 when 91 per cent of all marriages were the first for both partners. This number has since fallen to 144,120 in 2006, accounting for 61 per cent of all marriages.

Remarriages rose by about a third between 1971 and 1972 following the introduction of the Divorce Reform Act 1969 in England and Wales and then levelled off. In 2006, 92,870 marriages were remarriages for one or both parties accounting for 39 per cent of all marriages.

Since 1992, there have been more civil ceremonies in England and Wales than religious ceremonies. In 2006, civil ceremonies accounted for 66 per cent of all ceremonies, an increase from 59 per cent in 1996”, according to the UK’s official statistical records.

***

That’s for marriages: What about divorce? The National Office of Statistics gave the following insight.

The average rate for the years between 1990 and 2000 is as follows: 1990 (36.8%) and Year 2000 (39.7). Though the report claimed the overall divorce rates had fallen in the UK compared to 2006, the latest estimates for 2007 are:

“For the fifth consecutive year both men and women in their late twenties had the highest divorce rates of all five-year age groups. In 2007 there were 26.6 divorces per 1,000 married men aged 25-29 and 26.9 divorces per 1,000 married women aged 25-29.”

If you put these together, it means, that for every 22-23 people that get married, about 26 on average, divorce. That means, effectively, divorce is increasing whilst marriage is falling. The computation suggests that divorce is not only taking place amongst the relatively newly married but also in existing relationships. At the same time co-habitation is increasing.

The remaining data is staggering to read and I will not bother you with the rest. An interesting question is, could it be that couples choose the wrong person? The data, in my opinion, seems to suggest so and that is very important to discuss in this book and how to avoid falling into wrong decision.

The American data is even more mind-blowing: According to the National Centre for Health Statistics, the following are data for the 1990-2004 periods.

Number of marriages for the period stated above: 2,230,000. Marriage rate: 7.5 per 1,000 total population. Divorce rate: 3.6 per 1,000 populations (46 reporting States and D.C.). That means approximate 50% are divorcing!

Obviously, at the root of it all is that couples do not really know what they were getting into before jumping into marriage.

Therefore the objective of this book is to present how to encourage individuals to make credible informed decisions on this matter.

One significant observation is that relationships and marriages are failing at a very fast rate. Take for example, in the UK. One in every three marriages will end up in divorce. In the USA, the data is even worse: one in every two marriages will fail.

The economic impact on society of this fragmentation is staggering, not to mention the effects on physical and mental health which is, in simple terms, devastating.

***

This book will focus on these issues.

The paramount aim of this book is preventive. That is to say that, to avoid marriage and relationship failure, there is certain key steps that need to be taken and could indeed be taken. Marriage is fundamentally a pleasant thing as it was originally designed, if it’s the choice of the reader to pursue the course of marriage. However it needs planning like a business, pre-marriage intelligence gathering, vision, strategies and tactics like any other business. The marital vision needs to be defended.

If you read simple answers to questions that were put to some married couples, in tabloid and glossy magazines, regarding if they were happy in their marriage and or relationships: Observations from their responses are like this: “I am not happy in my marriage” or “I am not a happy person…in my marriage”. On the other hand, a stable and balanced couple would say: “I am happily married… thank you”. Why these differences? We would look at these issues in this book.

***

Platonic Relationships

Let me begin this section with what could pass for why most individuals and relationships run into huge difficulties.

Before I continue, I should clarify a point for the sake of this section and for the rest of the book, in relation to drug and alcohol. I do not for any reason suppose that all illegal drug takers end up as criminals or end up in mental health problem. After all there are individuals who are now in or in the past were President or Secretaries of a nation.

There are individuals in responsible positions in business in other public and private positions. Some of these individuals may have taken a bit of illegal drugs in the past. Many people also experiment with drugs. In spite of their success now, no reasonable individual will advocate such youthful exhuberance that carries such a risk to the health of others especially the health of vulnerable young brains. That said; let me illustrate the impact of relationships and substances.

Seeing patients in my clinics and wards has opened my literal and inner eyes to how human beings influence each other. Seeing a young boy who is now “mad” and who was on illegal drugs, I would ask the question: “How did you get into taking drugs?”

The almost always consistent answer is that someone somewhere they have had a relationship with introduced the damaging substance to them. In my experience, it could be either a “mate” while in school or at work or a street friend. It may, surprisingly, have been a parent or other member of the extended family. In short, as a rule, the introduction is usually by someone who they know, by association.

The lesson here is that for you to succeed or fail in life—in a good proportion of cases--- you will be influenced by someone near you and by someone who knows you or a person with whom you relate or live with. The name for this is relationship. You can not avoid them and you can not run away from them but you can make the best of them with strategic forethought.

This is true in business as it is true for men, women, school boys and girls. Evidence has shown that if a child is going to be harmed or abused, it is usually by someone with whom they have a trusting relationship. On the contrary, if a child is to be successful in life, you should take note of those with whom he or she associates with. These people could be parents, siblings or outside peers.

These associations and many more like them will be examined in the second section of the book. Suffice to say that your connection to other individuals may be for ill or for good, but choose your friends wisely. Now, I present a panoramic view for you to see ahead so that you may succeed in your relationships. Trust and follow me as I lay before you the dynamic nature of human conduct that influences relationships, but bear in mind as we go along that the words of Emily Kimbrough are ever so true even today: “we all stumble, every one of us. That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand”. But if you lay a solid foundation now, using this book, your stumbling may be at the barest minimum or none at all. It all depends on you.

***

Section I

Intimate Relationships Involving Sex: Marriages and “Partnerships”/Co-habitation

Why You Should Not Enter into One Without Reading This Section

“Having someone wonder where you are when you don't come home at night is a very old human need”.

Margaret Mead

Chapter One

Names Do Matter

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
by any other name would smell as sweet."

Shakespeare: Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)

There are many names that are used to refer to human associations with one another. Some of these names are very appropriate for the specific association. Some are diffuse and would need some unravelling. Therefore, as one of the tools that will help us to understand the discussion in this book, let us look at these names. Forgive me if you find this diversion unnecessary. But you will find this exercise useful since my assumption and your guess regarding these names may not necessarily converge at the same point, so we need a platform where we may both operate successfully and a point where we can begin to see eye-to-eye.

Before this is done, let us look at the differences between the word “relationship” and “marriage”. While, relationship is the general terms that is applicable to all forms of connection between one person and another, marriage is not so, as we shall see later. Relationship implies a connection between one person and another or others.

A relationship can be son-father, daughter-father, daughter-mother, son-mother or between siblings or uncles, nephews etc. These are called blood relationships. A relationship can also be between friends who are either related by blood, or not. Some types of relationship may also end up in marriage (see below) or they may not. The type that ends up in marriage should strictly speaking be non-blood (it may well be, though rarely so). The reason why blood or biologically related individuals should not marry is that it constitutes what is called incest. This is outlawed in most countries in the World, though in reality, it does occur in some relatively advanced societies. There are some reports that to some extent, it does occur even in the US, where the beliefs of some religious organizations apparently allow it.

Besides, incest can spread ancestral and heritable or genetic diseases if marriage or child birth is allowed between blood relations. Reproduction, in other words, can spread dreadful genetic but otherwise preventable diseases. For example, if cystic fibrosis sufferers within the same family should marry each other, they may end up increasing the chances of their offspring inheriting the same disease. Also, imagine if two sickle cell disease sufferers in the same family should marry one another. Essentially, such a relationship may not necessarily put those in it at ease but rather, there are chances that both the children and the parents may endure a long periods of pain and distresses. It thus makes good social and biological sense that sexual intercourse and marriage should be between, presumably, two unrelated individuals. As a sign of what is to come, if you as a reader should understand the preceding point, you will avoid a lot of pitfalls as you enter into a relationship.

Also, relationships can be in the work place. They can similarly be in business partnerships. These types can occur between blood relationships or spouses and between friends, regardless of how close or distant they may be.

Relationships can also be emotional and intimate with sexual involvement. When such an intimate relationship is formally and publicly declared between two adults of opposite genders according to the rules establishing an agreement between two people to share each other’s body (sex) as a union emotionally and physically, such a relationship is described as a marriage. Thus, marriage is an agreement that is, at first glance, apparently meant to be irreversible. Reversing a marriage is possible and it is a reality of marriage that dissolution may occur. While it happens to millions of couples every year around the world, such actions have caused and do cause considerable distress, as we shall see later in the book. The consequences of divorce can be far-reaching, touching not only the couples themselves but also their children, families, friends and society at large, as I shall discuss later.

***

Now when a relationship exists which includes sexual acts but without the “contract of marriage” --- a contract which may or may not necessarily be written down --- the social as well as the common terms for this are also called, somewhat ironically, a relationship, or the more acceptable form, “co-habitation,” if they live together. The individuals in this type of relationship are called “partners” or “cohabitants” while the individuals in marital relationships are called “spouses”. If potential marriage is underway, the individuals are called fiancée (female engaged to be married) and fiancé (male engaged to be married) respectively.

Any relationship without sexual involvement is in general called a platonic relationship. Platonic relationships could be between friends, siblings, parents and children, business partners and so forth. A platonic relationship could be spiritual as well such as a relationship between a priest or pastor and the worshippers

***

Legally, these differences matter a lot; for marriages have certain rights and social status that are not available to any other form of “relationships” (see later chapters). On the other hand, some of these relationships do enjoy certain privileges that are recognised by the society’s culture, for example the relationship between son and father is a peculiar one and one between daughter and mother is a special bond too. They are peculiar because the decision to enter into this kind of relationship was decided by one side --- the parents --- and the children, strictly speaking, were helpless onlookers. If they were even present at all, it may be in such occasions as some adoptions in early years. At formation of the relationship, the children may not have been born. They did not take part in deciding if they like the idea of entering a relationship with a particular parent or not. They were thrusted into it. These types are mostly biological relationships that have social and legal consequences. Parent-child relationships may also arise from legal guardianship in which the child and guardian may or may not be related to one another.

An example of the latter may arise through adoption of another non-biological child, such as adopting from a different country. Adoption is also possible in cases where the original parent of the child is dead, imprisoned, disabled or simply (often she but can be a he) does not want the child or can not care for the child. In such a case, the grandparent may “adopt” the grandchild. This latter scenario is common with adolescent parents, but can also occur with fully grown and experienced adults (see later chapters) who mistakenly enter parenthood without the means to support their children and maintain a child-parent relationship.

***

Chapter Two

The Root of Relationships and the Crucible of Controversy

“Good beginnings always have a good ending”.

English Proverb

Though not everyone will necessarily agree to the origin of marriage and relationship that I present here, nonetheless, it is a good starting point. We need a reference point. We can not float in the air without knowing where we are coming from or where we are going. The objective is to avoid any argument and to allow us to make an unobstructed search for the truth and thus to allow for extensions into all possible directions in view of this subject.

The first word that I need to explain so that it can be acceptable to you and me is the word “agree”. I am conscious of the word “agree” which I have used here. There will be no book like this one that you are reading and there will be no divorce in marriages nor there a separation, if this simple word “agree” fully interpreted and complied with in all relationships. It’s the word that will either hold a relationship together or on the contrary send it into different parts and pieces.

Dear reader, in case you have missed the point which I have just mentioned, that is the first important point which you should note at this stage as we go along. Therefore, please note it carefully as it is crucial to all successful or failed relationships regardless of shape or form. The bedrock of all failures in any relationship that involves a minimum of two people is the inability to follow the word “agree” to its logical conclusion. When a relationship fails, someone at least, has broken the rule. When a relationship succeeds, the parties have kept the rules of agreement, it may surprise you to note.

As a first step therefore, I want you my reader to at least avoid the stumbling block --- disagreement --- that has plagued all failed relationships and marriages during the time you will spend reading this book. Just agree with me for the time being. Let us avoid unnecessary confrontation. We can avoid the crises and conflicts that so often typify business and personal relationships. To agree means to have united intentions and then a concerted set of actions in pursuit of a common objective.

***

With this behind us, let us start the difficult task of learning from history if we are to reach our intended destination, for a lesson in history will guide us against the traps and pitfalls that ensnared those great men and women who have gone before us. “History,” Norman Cousins once said,” is a vast early warning system.” I think we should heed that warning.

***

Where did marriage begin? Well, if you are looking for a material scientific answer to this question, you may not find one. There is no clear evidence, at least for now, from scientific studies to show where the first marriage and relationship was first formed. Charles Darwin, the icon of evolution, you may be disappointed, did not tell us either. No shred of evidence from evolution has shed light on where the first marriage was knotted. Should we be discouraged? Certainly not. Let us dig a bit further into history.

There are however claims with indirect evidence from anthropological studies (or studies of mankind) that, the first marriage and relationship, in all probability, took place in East Africa somewhere around the area of modern day Ethiopia/Kenya. If, as it is generally believed, the first human being came from East Africa, then it holds to logical reasoning that the first marriage could not have been from elsewhere. There is no indisputable evidence to support this even though it is said to have happened about 200,000 years ago. This is merely an assumption with some DNA backup.

There is also the story of Lucy, found in East Africa in 1974, and the University of Arizona researchers have claimed her birth is dated to just less than 3.18 million years old. She was said to have died as an adult. This means Lucy was probably one of the first human beings and is a female. This runs contrary to all known and established knowledge. Well, this book is not about the origin of human beings.

The interesting bit is how this claim has thrown everything we know to date, about the origin of relationships, into some apparent confusion. Also, the role of the male, how he came about and his subsequent relationships, as well as the issue of reproduction, if any, is missing from the Lucy story.

Much further north than Ethiopia though, some have said that the components of a modern family, including marriage, wedding ceremonies, and hence the formation of relationships, including the birth of children, goes back to Mesopotamia. The earliest date for this is put at about 4000BC.

***

Rewind if you like, and we know from available records that there is another history that predated or occurred before the Mesopotamia account. Everyone knows it and no one has offered contrary evidence.

A more generally satisfactory origin of marriage which is accepted across the world by both Christians, Muslims and even non-religious folks alike, is that marriage began somewhere in the Middle East in the Garden of Eden. The Bible put it clearly that after the formation of the first man, Adam, God decided to give (Note: he, Adam did not ask for a wife) him a wife as a “help meet”--- a partner to help him. Help him to do what? Obviously, Adam was probably being overtaxed in the job that he was given, it would appear. He needed a “helper”, as the story goes.

Here is the declaration, we are told, and a ceremony that joined the two of them together that ultimately established the institution of marriage as we now know it:

“And the Lord God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die. And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.

And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.

And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed”.

(Note my italicised emphasis. They are very crucial to the institution of marriage which is a (1) Union of (2) male and female).

Incredulous as this may seem to some, human beings have not offered a credible alternative to this story. Therefore, it continues to be validly relied upon. Even looking at the Darwin’s Theory of Evolution, it is clear to any logical thinker, that all said and done, life must have taken off, from somewhere with some ordering and sequencing of events. Besides, clearly, some events preceeded and predated evolution.

***

With this simple gesture, the very first sets of controversy on marriage arise.

Some people including anthropologists tend not to agree to this order of things, questioning as it were:

“How can man be created first?”

“How can a woman be a help meet to a man, with whom she is biologically equal?”

It becomes the question of the chicken and the egg and which of them came first. Science has not resolved these questions. Nevertheless, perhaps the story of Lucy which I cited above may give some comfort to those who doubt the story of Adam and Eve.

These two questions pre-suppose that women are “the lesser of the two genders” to men. Is this really so? There is no evidence in the Scripture and in science to suggest either that this is the case or if that was the intention.

What should also be noted in the Biblical account is that, Adam, really never chose to have Eve. He never took part in the decision-making process. The relationship was forced on him. He was helpless in this situation and he had no choice as he had to accept Eve at any rate. It was God’s decision for Adam. And it was for Adam to manage and care for Eve as his, now, wife. This is the hidden question even up to this day that men and women have had battles with. In other words they ask: “Do I have to marry?” “When should I marry?” “Who do I marry?” “Will I get the right person (man or woman)?” “Will God give me my wife?” This book will answer these questions. You have the answers in your sight and in your hands, in this book. In modern times, the question which was until now at the fringes of human social fabric is “which gender…. I am confused… I am not sure where I belong”. You will find comfort in this book to these questions.

Let us return a little while to the story of Eden. In this same Biblical account, there is another lingering scenario: The role of a third party after the supposed marriage. We are told that while Adam was away to work, and a person in the shape of a Snake (we now know this is an individual person, in our time and days) tricked Eve to also deceive Adam. An intruder and uninvited guest, whose advice was not sought but, who chose to give the advice anyway, had just had an opening into the union.

In case you missed that, welcome to the world of treachery and mutiny. “Snake”, we can not on reflection conclude, was not content with the way things were going between Adam and Eve. Things were working out and events had been too peaceful, apparently. Then, it was time to strike a deadly blow at the very heart of the foundation of the relationship. Now it was time to cause offence and disruptions to the connection. It (or He) must have reasoned: “What if I entice Eve with something she is not used to? What if I use money? It could be advice. It could be food --- just anything”. There began the sliding of relationships into deceit, conflict and crisis which has remained with us to this day.

The intention was clear: to deceive and to cause maximum damage. In the end, the three were found to be disobedient to the existing rules of relationship and marriage --- the rule to abstain from certain acts. Enough said of Adam and Eve. Let us return to our days, our time and our own reality.

To this day, these simple acts of betrayals, disobedience of the rules and interference by third parties persists in practically all relationships!

This account, I would assume, apparently, represents the global view and generally is the accepted account of the origin of marriage and relationships.

Interestingly, it also presents us with the birth of controversy in marriages and in human relationships. These delicate issues will be examined in this book. I will also introduce the reader to how these relationship storms can be best avoided. Suffice to say that as a general rule, all relationships which have failed from the origin to the present day have done so for one reason: Whenever something unpleasant and incompatible with the union came in-between the individuals and the union. Certain laws must have been breached by someone or both in the relationship. The rules must have been disregarded by someone somewhere.

This thing that causes so much disruption to the union is almost always external to the union but may also be something that helps sustain the relationship, ultimately, something that leads to frustration, anger and unhappiness: for example: money, sex, children, property, in-laws, career, illness, death etc. At the core of such frustration and third party intervention, is the shortsightedness of individuals to the marriage/relationship not to agree on the course of action to positively remedy the situation for the sake of the bigger reason for the relationship in the first instance ---companionship --- (company together) which I will examine later.

***

Chapter Three

The Purpose of Marriage and Relationships

“We may have all come on different ships, but we're in the same boat now”.

Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)

I have been asked many questions in my clinical career, obviously, by my clients and patients. Amongst the most perplexing of the many questions are ones that concern the “purpose of things” and not least, the purpose of a marriage. A lot of the questions may actually be in the form of rhetorical questions.

Sometimes, I do feel, I should be the one asking the question as some of these patients could have been married even before I was born. Though they expect me to rely on my academic and clinical practice to provide the answers, I suppose, experience is the best teacher. Nonetheless, consider the fact that I have seen many couples in crisis. Often such crisis may either have been brought about by marital or relationship discord. It may also be an unrelated crisis that is complicated by disagreement in matrimony. It is therefore not surprising that my experience on having seen varied clients is called for to answer this essential question.

From a casual observation, any keen person should come to the conclusion that every material thing and every process that exists on earth and beyond has an intended purpose. I know this is so from the common reason that nothing can just exist for the sake of existing. We do not go to work or embark on a particular journey without a specific aim. If we do so, someone might say, we are aimless and a wanderer. I know some of the readers will certainly disagree with this view. Some may see chaos in all things or some may see order in the chaos of this world. Whatever your view, one thing is clear: There is a purpose in things and events. You simply need to look a bit closer with more attention to detail, as they say.

Working in Crisis Resolutions Teams in mental health in my encounters with patients, I have been asked by disappointed and bewildered spouses or “partners” in psychological pain:

“What is the purpose of marriage if I have to go through this, doctor?” By “this”, it means the troubles, the lack of support from the other spouse, the verbal and physical agony, the financial ruin, the illnesses, the embarrassment, the abandonment, the problem with children and the world that is falling apart around him or her. Now, I got used to hearing this kind of question from time to time, and sometimes, I simply nudge myself and say in silence, “Here we go again…How many times do I have to hear this in my career? I have heard this before”.

I have also been sent many questions and I have answered many questions over the internet as to the meaning and purpose of marriage, or if you like, the “meaning of love”. I shall provide detailed explanations in this book.

***

As we shall see, in subsequent chapters, marriage, like anything and everything else that exists on earth, is designed to achieve a specific purpose. A business is intended to achieve a desirable purpose. Marriage, it may surprise you, is a “business” with often unwritten vision statements and unstated mission declarations, as we often see in many established businesses. It may not be a business in the same sense as GE, Microsoft or Barclays bank with a lot of capital and financial input, with board meetings and the like.

It nevertheless is a business for the couple and perhaps the family with the children is the board members, the earnings of the couple being their income, the project that they manage is actually the home, the children and the couple themselves. Indeed any marriage or relationship between people is not and could not be purposeless. Such a relationship, no matter how distant or even platonic, must have an aim of what the participants intend to achieve. No one can afford to labour for nothing. These businesses which I have mentioned as well as our private relationships, including cohabitation and marriage, are required to be managed by human beings.

Therefore, marriage (and any relationship for that matter) as an institution does not fail; it is human beings that fail, often for selfish reasons or what I will call self-preservation reasons. Such selfish reasons are the product of desires - lacking in consideration for the welfare of the other person. Sometimes, such desires would not take account of the harm that may be caused to the other person. Some of these desires run in direct conflict with the desire of the other spouse or partners. In the extreme, some of these desires may actually be illegal or the desires may be a morally bankrupt intention and action.

***

Let us once again return to the issue of the purpose of things. If we take a look around us, we would see that our home is meant to serve as a fortress (more or less) to secure us and as a shelter to serve as a place where we can have some rest. Our homes are meeting places for the family and also as stores in which to keep our belongings secure in the knowledge that it is our castle after all. Above all, a home is a place which we can call our own (either as the owner or tenant) where we feel secure and not threatened by outside forces - a place where we can run to when we need solace.

Similarly, if we take a closer look at the earth around us, we would see that things are ordered in certain manners. The seas are in their place, the mountains and other natural features in their natural locations. None of all these has overrun the other or breached the boundaries of the earth, except under natural order of changing the arrangement such as in tsunamis. In far away space, we can see, thanks to our space scientists, that the Sun is fixated in its place. The planets are going about their daily routines. The stars are doing their jobs. Some we are told are being “born” while others are “dying”. In all these, one thing is certain: No matter which religious group we belong to, one thing is clear, human beings did not create this world and beyond. The same holds true even if you profess evolution --- human beings could not have made these things.

Now going by the observable human activities, we know that, these natural assets --- on earth, at least --- require maintenance and some work on them to transform them to other valuable things that human beings and animals can use for their own good. If you prefer, you may call these outcome of human activities as industrial products.

Remember, I did not make this “crucible of controversy” but it exists and one can not deny that fact. I am sure some readers may now want to take issue with my analysis here. The truth however, is palpable and undeniable.

The question thus arises: Who is going to administer these activities? Someone will have to do this job of management. From what is obvious to us as human beings, someone must take the lead. Human beings lead. Thus, man indeed takes the lead in some pursuits. In some other areas, woman must take the lead, biologically at least. Man, for all his envy of women and in spite of all the falsehoods about “men who became pregnant” in the media lately, can not be pregnant. True men --- bearing a set of XY genes --- are not endowed with the resources and organs to become pregnant and to sustain pregnancy. This is an absolute privilege reserved for women. It is a natural and specific advantage over men. I can therefore not see how the jealousy of women by men can go away in the foreseeable future. And on that account, the superiority of woman over man can not be challenged.

Now the questions are, can a man or a woman do the “job”, alone? Can he or she do the job alone regardless of his or her strength? The job in question is management of the earth and its resources. This includes the management of waters, seas, sky, land, animals, plants, forests, other human beings, gold, diamond, platinum, oil reserves, light, darkness and so many other resources, including the space around the earth.

The modern trend in the UK provides the clearest answer. 75% of women, according to a publication from the UK’s Home Office, of working age are now at work in one form or another, to supplement and complement the efforts of the men! This figure does not include those full time housewives who as the Law Court in the UK have now concluded in a lot of judgements brought before it, are also at work. Therefore, everyone is working if you look at it from a general perspective except of course, the unemployed.

This reality which I have presented here is regardless of the fact that culturally, men are still seen as the main breadwinner in many homes. The man (or woman) as we can now see, needs a supporter, a backer and a steadfast dependable ally. No one is an island, a paragon of the soul or heart of the party after all. We all need a partner, a friend, a spouse and a pillar to lean on. Someone to help us and to see us through the task we set before us: A trusted person to lighten the load. We need someone to provide a word of encouragement in times of discouragement or to act in sincerity to make the journey less difficult.

***

The next question is: Would you rather work with a stranger or with someone whom you know much better? The evidence from everyday working relationships tends to suggest that people are more content working with someone who would do the job in question but also as a matter of priority, people are more comfortable working with a person who is, for want of language of description, “a known quantity” --- in the common manner of speaking. That is, people like to work with someone that they know. At the minimum, someone whose CV supports his or her ability to do the job and who will not cause damage to the “project”.

For me, I would choose the latter too---someone whom, not only do I know but someone who will do the job without harms to the “project”. For increased productivity, the job at hand requires an intimate meet who can be trusted (“Trusted”: another keyword to note) with confidential information on how things are supposed to work as well as an encourager and a person who will defend the cause at any rate. Would you want to be partners with someone who will discourage you on a regular basis? If you do, you will either remain stationary or go backwards. Then your journey through this world may end up not as planned. You need someone who will share the same vision of where you are both heading. If this joint effort works as planned and the two partners share the same vision and challenges of the mission, it is called compatibility. If it happens to you and you get to successfully grasp this point, you are a lucky person and the chance of you failing in your intimate relationship is very thin indeed, if not completely nought.

Further, such a person should be someone of sound and stable mind who will protect and care for others and you in the work place for the sake of the task ahead and the “project” at hand. After all, who would want to work with a raving lunatic who would destroy life and properties?

Overall, it would appear that this person must be an individual who can agree on what to do and how to do it for the best results. This is a selection process after all and you are in charge of that selective process called “choice”. It is the choice, as you may have seen, that you only will have to make. You have to make the choice of the person who will work with you in your journey through this world.

This is the same kind of choice that people managing various real life organisations such as New York Stock Exchange will have to make. That seems to be what is happening in Wall Street and on the high streets of London, the shops in Bangalore, the factories in Paris, through the broad streets in France, the oil rigs in Nigeria, the gold mines in South Africa and the many human endeavours in South America --- competent, trustworthy, supportive and cooperative individuals are sought, at the least, to do the required job. Again, who wants to be associated with a layabout? Connections must be with people who can share the same vision and support each other.

It is required that the person must of necessity be able to deputise for the other(s) when they are either absent or weakened by overwork. This relationship hinges on one thing: Ability of the person(s) involved to share and spend time with others if they are to share the vision and the rewards of hard work, for a long time.

Also, for balance, these two individuals, at least, involved in a relationship must share their issues and views and arrive at an agreement for the sake of stability after a period of give and take or negotiations. (For the reader who may not have paid attention, we have just crossed a landmark point in our discussion: give and take or negotiations). If not so, things may become lop-sided, intentions may fail and desire may falter. The need for equilibrium calls for the condition that these two individuals should have opposite views and differing opinions and conflicting biological structures. It means that the chemicals that will control these individuals should be dissimilar.

The world, at any rate, will be very dull if everything were the same. Legitimate diversities and moral varieties of the highest decency rule our world. Human beings after all are not zombies.

If the characteristics of the individuals are as stated, it would appear that, as a further reward for their cooperation or agreement, and for the need to continue the work on the “project”, they could be blessed with something they both cherish, something so invaluable that it’s beyond the reach of money or a single individual. Despite the current technology, it will still require the efforts of two individuals no matter how distant or the method of their contribution, before they achieve their set objectives.. Such a blessing may be children coming from their intimacy. It is a blessing, because, no one can lay an entitlement to having children. No one can predestine that he or she must have children. There are millions the world over who wish to but can’t. Therefore, it remains a blessing.

(Please remember we are discussing sexual relationships and marriages). It may also be a reward in form of money: A reward for their labour. Should the reward be children, these children would continue the work and or may further contribute to the work/project at hand, though this is not by any means certain.

***

The overall name for all this sharing of time, vision, mission, body, energy, work, life, finances, failure, success, pain, ease etc, is called companionship and it is the bedrock of all marriages and all forms of legitimate sexual relationships. It is the principal reason why marriage exists. It is the pivotal reason why marriage was instituted. Regardless of the variant, this is what co-habitation and “common law” partnerships are seeking to achieve: Companionship. True companionship is the foundation of all genuinely successful marriages and not just marriages that “patches on” by reason of social and political standing in the public. Once again, for the benefit of the reader, we have just arrived at a significant eternal point: companionship.

It, companionship, is unique to marriage, which could be defined as the inseparable union of two adults and individuals of opposite gender. This is the very basis of the “help meet” principle that underlies all marriages. We saw how this “help meet” business came about in an earlier chapter. So that I don’t bore you the reader with ecclesiastical analysis, I will not repeat it here, though it might be worth reading the previous chapter again.

***

You might ask, is this unique to one woman and one woman marriage alone? The answer is no. Any variant of matrimony or departure from a monogamous marriage, such as multiplication of “marriage” as in some cultures (polygamy) must as a necessity converge towards this companionship principle. If not, then there is little wonder why the “institution” is said to be failing --- a clear exit from the rules that set the institution up in the first instance. Human beings, as we shall see, are very shrewd and manipulative of rules and laws; this underlies the main reason why the divorce rate is going up and it is becoming too difficult to live with one another. As I will explain later, whenever a relationship of whatever kind fails, someone must have broken the rules of the relationship. It is over and over again an unwritten contract that binds a relationship and can get broken. Whenever the words “compatibility” and “companionship” are not well-blended in a relationship, it may fail and the purpose of marriage may therefore be defeated. Let me conclude with the insight of Homer: “There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends”. Did you notice the phrase “eye to eye”? It means the same thing as compatibility, which is a forerunner for companionship, for you can only spend your time with someone with whom you are in agreement. Or would you want to spend your time being in constant disputes? The answer is up to you.

However, my aim in this book is to lay bare the snares in human relationships and examine why associating with others can so painfully end in failure. It is up to you the reader to make up your mind. And making up your mind requires that you are aware of how you do so under a very powerful tool that is commonly called free will with its sister component, choice. The major challenge that confronts anyone who is looking for a relationship is actually how to get the right one and get it right first time. Still, this is the crossroad of choices at which you will need to make a decision.

If you, the reader, are ever to fail or succeed in any endeavour, not least finding a partner or spouse, this will depend on how you exercise your free will and the choice that you may make under the natural laws, moral codes and laws of the land that you reside in. The choice is yours. The choice has nothing to do with God. God does not choose spouses or partners for people. He did so once and human beings failed the trust.

Chapter Four

The Choice of Spouse and Partner: Free Will and the Choices that We Make

“The will of a man is his happiness.”
- Schiller, Wallenstein's Lager (VII, 25)

you may be pardoned for thinking that relationships of whatever shape and nature are a natural process in which two minds meet and that once there is chemical interaction/“chemistry” between them, a deal is made and a new relationship is born. Well, you are probably correct if you have been following R&B and Pop songs. Sadly, you will also note the high turnover rate of relationships amongst artistes which I have mentioned.

If you are however looking for a lasting relationship beyond the virtual world of fame and if you are looking for somebody who will be at you side, standing with you, backing you in the days when things are either sour or sweet, then the deciding factor which you should consider certainly goes beyond, chemical interaction / “chemistry”.

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