Is There Any Way Out?
By: Francie Spletstoser
Smashwords
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1
This is the only way out. I put the razor to my wrist. It can only get worse. Nobody wants or needs me here. I just want to die.
Okay, here’s the story to why I was going to cut myself. I’m diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I wasn’t given any meds because my psychiatrist is crappy. This is one of those times where my depression is low. I’m going crazy and I can’t stop it. My feelings and moods are reflecting on my grades and my relationships with others. I’ve had boyfriends before and they’ve all told me that I was hard to deal with and hard to keep happy. It’s not like I can help it. But my disorder isn’t an excuse.
My life sucks. I take on too much stuff without even realizing it when I’m in my high and elated stages. I only realize it when I feel normal or down. I say things I don’t mean; sometimes good, sometimes bad.
My teachers hate me. I do all my homework and stuff, but it’s just the way I act. I can’t stop it. I don’t know how. But now they hate me even more because I have mono and I’ve been out for a week straight. I still have two more weeks to go until I can go back. And then I have to leave class early to take the elevator because I can’t exert any energy unless I want to damage my liver. That’s a slow and painful death. I wanted a quick one and it didn’t matter if it was painful or not. I just want out.
I realized that cutting myself wouldn’t be a quick death, even if I have been doing it for a while. I threw the razor across the room and threw on my black hoodie. I have been wearing black all the time lately. I don’t care what people say about me, but they mostly call me Goth or emo, which aren’t exactly lies.
It was raining pretty hard. Good. That’s my favorite type of weather to walk in. I didn’t care that I was really sick. Maybe I would get pneumonia and die. Nobody was home, so I had to write a quick note to my mom and dad before I left.
2
I walked in the pouring rain for a really long time. I had no idea where I was going. Soon, I got lost. I didn’t really care. I kept walking. But I stopped when I heard someone calling my name.
“Rose! Hey, Rose, what are you doing?”
I turned around. Dean jogged to catch up to me and when he did, he said, “Don’t you have mono?” He studied me and then spoke again before I could answer. “Yeah, you do. You look like hell. Lucky for you, I’ve had it already so I can’t catch it again. I can walk you home. You’re obviously lost.”
I wanted to tell him to shut the hell up, I wasn’t lost, and I didn’t need his help. But instead, I said, “Sure.” His dark brown puppy eyes made me feel bad about even thinking about telling him off.
I have to admit, Dean was kind of cute. His black hair hung in his eyes a little and he almost always wore jeans and a t-shirt. He had a good body. I have never seen him in shorts or a sweater or anything other than that. But that’s okay since we were in New York and it was summer. The only time he wore anything close to a jacket was in the winter.
And I also have to say, I had a crush on him. I guess that kind of made my depression worse since I knew he didn’t have any feelings for me in that way. Well, I didn’t know, I just guessed. I’d never asked him. If I did and he said no, then I would definitely be worse.
“Hey, do you want to go out for pizza?” he asked suddenly. “I know for a fact your parents don’t get home until seven and you shouldn’t be alone when you’re this sick.”
“Yeah, I also shouldn’t be outside, but I am,” I said. “But sure, I’ll go.”
He gave me one of his perfect smiles. “Well, then I should get you inside as soon as possible.” He picked me up and began running, making my stomach turn. Thankfully, the pizza place wasn’t far, so I didn’t throw up.
Dean set me down and I felt dizzy. He placed his hands on my shoulders and asked, “Whoa, you okay?”
“Yeah,” I said, rubbing my eyes. “Let’s just go in.”
Still holding onto my shoulders, he followed me in. He pointed me to a table and I sat down, waiting for him to get back. When he did, he smiled at me and said, “So, what were you doing all alone?”
I shrugged. “I was just walking.”
“You do know that you’re not supposed to use any energy, right?”
“Oh, well.”
“Hey, what’s wrong?”
I shook my head. “It’s nothing.”
“I’m here for you.” He slid out of his side of booth into mine. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
I hadn’t told anybody what I was getting ready to tell him. “I don’t want to live anymore,” I said in a quiet voice. “Everything is just really hard and everything is going wrong and I don’t know how to fix them. The school is sending letters to my home saying that I’ve been out too many times but that’s because of the mono and I just can’t find a way out of this. I can’t keep good relationships with anybody. I’m surprised you stayed this long, but I’m sure you’ll leave after I’m done talking because, apparently, I’m really hard to deal with.” I didn’t look him in the eyes at all. I was afraid of what the expression on his face would be.
Dean didn’t react right away. But when he did, he hugged me and said, “It kills me to know that you feel like the only way out is to kill yourself. I don’t want you to do that. I’d miss you too much. I love you, Rose.”
To my complete embarrassment, I began crying like a baby. “No, you don’t. You’re saying that to keep me here. You would just feel guilty if I did it because you were the only one I told.”
He kissed me, placing one hand on my cheek. Dean kissed me like I was the only girl he ever wanted and like he actually did want me. He kissed me like he was never going to stop and I kissed him back the same way, like I didn’t want him to stop. People were staring and I knew it, but I didn’t care. And, apparently, neither did he. He moved his hand down from my cheek to my thigh and then he didn’t move after that. Not until a waiter came up to us and cleared his throat rudely. Dean looked up and he pushed his black hair out of his hazel eyes, like he always did when he was embarrassed. Then he looked back at me and asked in a soft voice, “Do you just want to go home?”
I nodded and he took my hand, pulling me out of the booth and past the pissed off looking waiter quickly. When we were outside, Dean said, “I should have asked permission to kiss you before I did. I’m sorry.”
“What is this? The 1990’s? It’s okay.”
“But I don’t even know if you feel the same way. I mean…when I told you I loved you, you started crying.”
“I-I do feel the same way. And I cried because I thought you were just trying to make me feel better and I am so sick of people trying to do that because I can’t feel better.”
“Not even when I’m here?”
“You won’t be with me forever.”
“Rose, I will be with you forever. Even when I die I’ll be with you.”
Why did I want to kill myself when someone like Dean was my friend? Oh, yeah. That’s all he’ll ever be. But I asked, just in case. “So what does this make us?”
“Well, if you don’t mind, I’d like you to be my girlfriend.”
I couldn’t help but feel a small spark of happiness flicker inside me. “I don’t mind.”
He stopped walking and stood in front of me. He was smiling when he kissed me again, like he had been waiting for this to happen for a long time. “You know,” he said when he pulled away, “I am so happy that you have something that I can’t get again. Well, I mean, I’m not happy that you’re sick, but…oh, you know what I mean.”
I actually smiled for the first time in a year. Maybe there was something worth living for…
THE END
Suicide Help-Francie Spletstoser
Do you or somebody you know have suicidal thoughts? I know I have had them and the beginning of this story tells exactly what I’ve been going through. Depression totally sucks, but remember-you are not alone! People out there are going through the same thing as you, even if it may not feel like it. I didn’t believe people felt as crappy as I did, but it’s true because I’m actually feeling the same way now, but I don’t have as much suicidal thoughts. If you’re thinking about killing yourself, don’t do it! Just think-death is scary and you never know what’s on the other side. Get help and talk to someone! Save yourself. People love you and care about you more than you think.