Lovely

Allison Liddelle

Published by Allison Liddelle at Smashwords

Copyright 2010 Allison Liddelle

This book is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons (living or dead), places, or events is completely coincidental.

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Enter Alice:

In the words of Krista:

Describe Alice? I don't know if I can. How can you describe that girl? Most of the world sees her one way. She only allows a few people see her pain. It kills me, because the reason she doesn't want people to know about how she feels is that she doesn't want to burden them. She told me she never did really feel like she deserved us.

In fact, it was a matter of chance that anyone even knew about Alice’s depression at all. Her parents knew, because it was their damn fault she felt this way in the first place. Lisa and I knew, because we had just happened to catch her at moments when she couldn’t mask her pain well enough.

So how can I describe Alice? She's beautiful, talented, very clever. She's also the epitome of pain, of sadness, of depression.

Maybe this memory of mine will help.

For the rest of my life, I think my most distinct memory of Alice will be of her breaking down. I will always see her in my mind the way she was that night. I still remember it so clearly, even though it was years ago now...

It was after one of her performances, we were all so proud of her. Well, at least, Lisa and I were proud. Her parents weren't there. Of course they weren't there. They were never there.

Anyway, she had always been a fantastic actress. The drama teachers swore up and down that she'd be a star someday. She'd put the world's most brilliant actors and actresses to shame.

In this play, she had landed herself the lead role. It was more than any actor could ask for. Lines, a name... For God's sake, the girl even had her own monologue!

She had looked so beautiful. She always did of course, but tonight was different.

Her long, thick golden hair was twisted and pinned in an elegant knot, and the stage make-up made her look so alive. Her lips were pink like cherry blossoms, cheeks red with excitement, eyes sparkling like diamonds. It appeared as though she was floating on a cloud of happiness, an ethereal beauty that was too great for our small human minds to take in. She was rapturous in her joy, capturing the hearts of everyone in the room with a simple smile.

I should have known then that it was too good to be true. I should have understood in that moment that something had to go wrong. Something always went wrong.

That's how it works with Alice. Everything seems fine. She seems happy... Then, something like this happens. Something like-- Well. You'll see.

Her emerald green eyes locked with mine, and she smiled brilliantly before her eyes wandered again. I don't know what happened. I don't know what she saw. I have no idea what she heard. I just knew that one moment she was beaming with pure, shinning bliss, the next she was shaking wildly within my embrace.

Lisa violently shoved away cameras before turning back to Alice and hugging her fiercely, almost like she was afraid to let go. It could have been an eternity, or just one single moment that Lisa and I held our poor, poor Alice.

She seemed so frail, broken. I'll never forget the way she trembled in my arms if I live for all eternity. My God! The way she shook.

And that's how I'll always remember her. Trembling in my arms.

In Lisa’s words:

My clearest memory of Alice? The one I think most describes her? It's not pretty, but then again... What part of what was really Alice was?

I don't mean to say she's a bad person. She's not. Alice is a wonderful person. It's just that she gets so angry and self-destructive, turning selfish in her warpath against herself. When I'm around her sometimes it feels like she doesn't have enough energy to care about anything but how much she hates herself.

She was very kind to everyone though, strangely enough, kind to Krista and I. Krista and I, the two weird girls in school whom no one seemed to like but Alice. There was mousy haired Krista, whose grey eyes and clothing choices made her look washed out and too skinny. Then there was me, slightly overweight, and not too intelligent. She talked to both of us and became great friends with both of us. So yes, the girl was a good person.

Maybe I'm just being so defensive of her because I know how badly she thinks of herself. She's probably not as great as we all make her out to be, but someone has to have too much confidence in her.

Anyway, onto my memory. It'll explain things better than I ever could.

Most of all, what I really remember is being in shock.

She was so lovely, so talented. I can remember not understanding at all. I remember how clearly she spoke, the clarity in her bright eyes when she looked at me.

How simply she phrased it.

I remember my whole world coming to a screeching halt.

"I want to die. Please don't tell Krista."

How in God's name could she say that so calmly!? Just, 'I want to die. Please don't tell Krista.' How could she say that? How could she want to die? I know she had an awful home life.... But how could she want to kill herself!?

I couldn't understand the concepts of self-injury and suicide. It was a wonder that I didn't run away screaming. But I just listened in a horrified silence as she detailed her entire suicide plan to me.

"It would have to be snowing," she explained calmly, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world; and to her, it probably was.

She told me of the lovely white gown she would wear. She had come up with all of the exact details of the dress, down to what kind of fabric the damned thing would be made out of. She told me how there would be a full moon. Snow would blanket the earth. Then, she would climb to the top of the tallest building she could find. (Alice confided in me that she actually wished that it could be the Eiffel Tower, but she doubted she'd ever go to Paris.) Then, she would take a dagger and stab herself, falling to the snow covered ground below.

"Red on white," she told me, with a sad sort of dreaminess. "Won't it just be so lovely? As least my death can be perfect... Right, Lisa?"

I couldn't answer her. I was frozen in terror, shock, horror. Any words I could have said stuck in my throat. I wanted to slap her, to knock some sense into her. I wanted to shake her by the shoulders and demand to know how she could even think of being so selfish.