Wildlife not Wild Life
A Short story about
Eighteen Men and Two Women
By
Nancy Ellen
Copyright 2011 by Nancy Ellen
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Wildlife not Wild Life
From the last row of the van, I watched the blowing snow fighting with the windshield wipers for control of visibility. Dr. Bailey blabbed away, driving too fast for these conditions in the dark, on a narrow road, winding up a mountain. Just short of screaming, I said, “Dr. Bailey, slow down and pay attention to the road.” Our eyes met in the rearview mirror, the chattering male voices became profoundly silent. The van slowed, and Dr. Bailey’s eyes left mine. He looked straight ahead and not another word was spoken for the next twenty minutes until we came to the Wildlife/Forestry Headquarters deep in the Rocky Mountains near Craig, Colorado.
My life has been a series of rushing into things and that is how I found myself in 1977 riding in a caravan of vans, with eighteen men and one other woman. Too many of the men hate me because I have no experience in wildlife biology, yet accepted into this Masters program because of affirmative action. I received my BA in Communication from the University of Colorado. The other female, Arlene, has been studying wildlife biology for years, but thankfully likes me. The class is Wildlife Habitat Management and this is our last weekend trip for the semester the beginning of December. Earlier in the day, the class had stood in an ice blizzard staring at dead sagebrush that deer eat. Back in the van after that engrossing sight, when my feet began to thaw, I had to use all my strength not to cry out in pain. Pain worse than getting your arms twisted; a deep helpless agony. On campus, the Wildlife Biology building where the professors’ offices are located have stuffed animals in cases in the hallway, one showing a bear in a leg trap. Now there’s some helpless agony. Abhorrent to me, so why am I in this situation? Because I wanted to study conservation education, find a handsome mountain-type-man and thought getting my masters at Colorado State University in Fort Collins at the base of the Rocky Mountains I would accomplish my goals.
After arriving at the wildlife headquarters, in horror and amazement, I watched all the men with flashlights go up the stairs, leaning forward some, but seeming no fear. Maybe it was because Arlene and I were watching that they didn’t want to look scared. The staircase to the loft where I’m to sleep this night is as steep as a slide, pitch black and there are many of them. No banister either, so I crawled up as Arlene lit the way from behind me lighting the slippery stair ahead.
“What’s so funny?” Arlene asked in response to my chuckling.
Too focused to answer, I gripped the lighted stair above me, and brought my knees up one at time. I didn’t wear my mittens so terrorized I would lose my grip, and the wet from the men’s boots and the salt melted into a stinging mixture on my chafed hands. Upon both of us reaching the loft, I managed to say, “If I fall down these stairs at any time during this trip, promise that you’ll make sure my body is not in an unflattering position, I beg you.” With that, Arlene and I laughed, and the men laying out their gear stared at us with looks that said, ‘There they go again.’
After claiming an area to sleep, we went back down, me crawling backwards on all fours. The presentation was on mountain lions in the area, one of which was a carcass hung upside down on a large hook between the rows of chairs where we sat. Having twice come too near humans, it had been shot that day; its fur still wet from melted snow. The knees of my jeans were wet from crawling on the stairs, and I held my mittens over them trying not to shiver. Hunger pangs slammed around my stomach as I watched the men stuff down sandwiches and sodas provided. Too disgusted by the kill hanging near me, I refrained from food. I didn’t drink either knowing the toilet was outside in the freezing cold with wind and snow in the dark in the night.
Bathroom situations on these weekend trips have been the cause of much anguish, disgust and laughter. Our first trip around the end of September was to the San Luis Valley and Buena Vista area to study the habitat of migrating sandhill cranes which fly south for the winter. I learned that the cranes like wetland areas, fly together in large numbers, and they’re huge with up to eight foot wing spans and are threatened by loss of habitat. We also drove further west to the four corners in Southwest Colorado, where Colorado, Utah, Arizona and New Mexico converge into a perfect point. A person, on all fours, could be in four different states at the same time. Buena Vista even has a festival to commemorate these long legged travelers. I had never heard or seen a sandhill crane before, but I will remember their loud cries that were as gigantic as they. Arlene and I were to sleep in the Wildlife Officer’s offices, while the men slept in the large garages. The bathroom was in the office, so as we were turning off the lights the first night in San Luis, I had opened the door to the garage and boldly said, “Now, don’t any of you hesitate to come in if you need to.” To which one of the men yelled out,
“Line forms to the left.”
“To use the bathroom,” I had said with horrified inflection. Arlene and I had laughed extensively, although the men didn’t seem to see the humor. In same bathroom the next morning, I freshened myself as best one can without a bath. As I had begun putting on my clean underpants, my mind went back to the night before and I began to laugh. Lifting my leg to put in the hole, my other leg went out from under me and I fell forward my head missing the sink by an inch. My final position had my butt in the air, legs spread, head on the floor and my arms lying helpless to the side of me; and my underpants wrapped around my ankle. Imagining that my head had smashed into the porcelain, killing me instantly, I had pictured Dr. Bailey forcing open the door and all the men gathered around seeing my butt and privates in a most grotesque doggie-style position. I had laughed so hard that I could barely lift myself up in order to dress, but I managed so excited to tell Arlene about it. Unable to stand after I had told her and demonstrated the pose, she had crawled around the office in hysterics as I made her promise, cross her heart and hope to die, that if ever I don’t emerge from a bathroom on any of our trips in a timely manner, she must get in first and cover me before any viewing by anyone. She promised.
Trying so hard not to stare at the dead mountain lion, I decided its presence was just to show off the kill. At the end of the presentation, Arlene helped me back to the loft then went amongst others who were helping her prepare for her oral exams, non sexual.
Another dear soul, a freshman whom I had met in my dendrology class had lent me her mummy bag. Under the mummy bag, not in it, I pulled off my wet jeans, dried my knees and wiggled into a fresh pair of tights and jeans. Finally in and zipped up, I lay on my stomach snug in the bag, but its name is true, I could not move my legs but an inch, and had the annoying sensation of having to pee. I didn’t have to when I worked my way into the mummy bag, but there was no way I was going to have to climb over everyone, climb down the death stairs backward on all fours and venture out into the freezing dark.
Morning came after a night of impressive concentration that kept my needing to pee at bay. I managed to make it into the outhouse which had yellow ice all over the seat. I pictured the men peeing on it, even though they knew Arlene had to use it, and even themselves for a number two, just because they hated me so much. At least the freezing cold contained the odor.
As I exited, Shane, a tall, Baby Huey looking fellow called out as he walked from the vans, “Hey, Nancy, ready for the drive up the mountain?” He, at least, spoke to me, and he pointed to an open backed truck in which held most of the other men standing staring at me coming out of the outhouse.
Pulling down the scarf across my face, dismayed at the prospect as the temperature was well below zero, I gasped out, “What are you talking about?”
“We’re going up the mountain; they keep some animals up there in some building. You’re going to love it.”
Through a blur of tears, I searched the solid white area for Dr. Bailey. Our professor is in his mid forties, about five foot eight, nice looking, strong outdoorsy body, and seemed confused about why I’m in his class. Although I had impressed him the time I beat him at poker on one of the previous trips, his discomfort around me was palatable. I’m twenty-nine, born in New York City, although moved to Denver when young. I lived in Manhattan off and on with relatives and alone before coming back to Colorado to complete my schooling. I can be pretty with my dark brown hair and eyes, but not today. Stress of these trips has led me to put on a few pounds. Also, the frigid weather entails me to wear layers, although not enough for this kind of cold, adding a bulky look on my five-foot-one frame. Looking funny in his hunters cap with the big ear flaps, Dr. Bailey came out of the cabin in which he had the spent the night. Walking close to him, my teary eyes looked into his then I glanced at the open back truck. Concern reflected on his face, and I began to cry, “Dr. Bailey, I just can’t go up there. I have terrible cramps and the cold will just, well, exacerbate them.” I used a big word hoping to gain some respect as I begged, “You have to forgive me.”
His arm went round my shoulder while he walked me to the vans, our boots crunching in the snow. He spoke fast, “You stay here, we’ll only be gone about an hour and a half, uh, I’ll have Arlene stay with you. I’ll get the keys so you can turn the heat on now and then. I’ll give her the donuts for your breakfast.”
Watching him practically run to the truck, I knew he wanted to get as far away from me and my period as possible. I yelled out after him, “Thank you.” I climbed in and sat on the side facing the truck.
Arlene jumped in. Handing the pastries and a thermos to me, she started the engine for some heat. Turning toward me, she pulled down her scarf and said with a big smile, “Thank you for whatever you said to get me out of that.” The men treated Arlene as one of the fellows, and she dressed the part, always in jeans and a shirt or sweater. A friendly face, tall and thin, she kept her brown hair very short, and it sort of spiked about her head, never a drop of makeup.
“I told Dr. Bailey I had cramps.”
Her mouth dropped open, and she hurried over to my side of the van in the row in front of me. “Do you? Give me the coffee.”
“I don’t even have my period. That’s abuse making us ride in the back like dogs, and it would be abuse to dogs too. My God, with the wind chill factor…Can’t you just hear them bitching about me. How can you drink coffee, I’d have to pee continually.” After handing her the thermos, I took a bite of glazed donut then held open the box for her to choose.
With an expression of awe toward me, she grabbed two cake donuts, saying, “I could never have said that to him, ever.” We waved at the men as they disappeared up the mountain while they stared at us with what I imagined, under their hoods and scarves, were snarling faces.
I had shared with Arlene my history of being born and living in Manhattan where I had begun my search for the love of my life, sex included beginning at the age of twenty-one. In Fort Collins most social gatherings were for pot lucks and slides of wildlife. As Rhoda had told Mary on The Mary Tyler Moore Show, she thought that camping and wild life meant a very good time, not the animal kind.
“Why are you here?” Arlene asked, taking a large encircling bite of her donut.
“Insanity… I had no idea it would be this ghastly. I told you, I thought I’d try and teach teachers about conservation education. I’m doing my thesis on it which I’m going to try and finish, at least gather the research, but I’m not going to trap, kill and skin an animal. Are you going to have to do it?”
“Already did, it’s required. Dr. Bailey teaches that class too. He’s very hard core about it. Nobody gets out of it, but, Nancy, don’t ever take that class, ever. Don’t do it.”
Chuckling, I said, “The way you say that reminds me of my mother. She coached a very dear friend of the family, Sandy, through childbirth, because she didn’t want her handsome husband, John, seeing her giving birth, which I totally agree with. I don’t understand women wanting their husbands to see them like that. I mean the relationship is also based on sexual attraction isn’t it? I suppose if he stays by her head, but still. It was about six years ago, yes, Dani, their daughter will be seven. Anyway, when Mother came home, the first thing she said was, ‘Nancy, never, and I mean never, give birth. There’s nothing about it you could bear. Don’t do it.’ And Mother said that she was so glad after going through it with Sandy that in her day they knocked the woman out. Sandy told Mother that after the birth, a really handsome Resident came in and said he had to press on her abdomen to make sure all the placenta came out. Sandy said she was horrified because it sounded like she was passing gas so loudly through her vagina.” Arlene and I broke up for some time, until I managed to say, “Sandy said it went on and on. She said no orifice is your own when you give birth. The real look of terror in my mother’s eyes when she first came home and warned me, and those ghastly tales convinced me. I’m sure I never will. Do you want children?”
“I did,” Arlene said, still laughing. “You almost made me choke on my donut. You know, Nancy, I don’t think anyone outside of my mother maybe has ever said the word vagina to me. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever said it out loud. I’m a virgin and afraid to talk to guys except about school stuff. No, I don’t think I’ve ever said the word.”
“It is a creepy word, but it went with the story. How old are you, Arlene?”
“Twenty-four… I don’t think about sex that much actually.”
“Really, well I do. Let me ask you this. If we were the only people left on earth with these men and you had to choose between any of them, whom would you want to have sex with and/or whom would you want to father your child? You better turn off the motor for a while we don’t want to die of carbon monoxide poisoning. Wouldn’t the men just love that?” I broke up and Arlene joined me as we practiced positions the men would find us in.
Suddenly, Arlene jumped up turning off the motor and cracked a window. As she came back to her row, she stared at me with real joy on her face as she said, “For sex I’d want Casey. He’s cute, sweet and has a nice body. To father my child, I’d want Dr. Bailey. He already has four kids so he’d know what to do. What about you?”
“Wow, you sure answered that easy. Have the baby with Casey and let Dr. Bailey help with the delivery.”
“Oh, yeah...”
I’d want Charlie for all of it.” Just thinking of him sent a sexual ache through me. “Arlene, I’ve had this daydream for years of living in the mountains with a handsome mountain man, you know, my life really depends on him; and Charlie would be the guy if I wasn’t who I really am, a city girl and not in his league.” Charlie was six feet tall, dark curly hair, a well tended beard and barely knew I existed except for my presence. He and Dr. Bailey hung together a lot, and I had found out he was twenty-nine, had come back for his Masters at Dr. Bailey’s behest, divorced, no children and lived up Poudre Canyon, west of Fort Collins. “Besides the pleasure of your company, Arlene, just being able to look at Charlie makes this all bearable. He has such sexy bedroom eyes, Paul McCartney eyes.” Sighing deeply, I said, “Arlene, I think you should try and lose your virginity with Casey.”
Blushing profusely, Arlene said, “He barely knows I’m alive.”
“Yes, he does. I see him talking with you a lot.”
“He talks with me about school stuff. He’s a blond surfer type from California. What would he want with someone like me, from Montana?”
“Sex and fun, Arlene, and being from Montana would be a turn on for a guy in wildlife biology, try and get his attention; you guys have it in common for God’s sake.” Both of us opened the box of donuts, I picking another glazed and she, two chocolate. I loved that she loved food, but envied her thinness. “Always use a condom, you aren’t Catholic are you?”
“No,” she said, taking a bite. “Part of me really wants to wait for marriage. I know that sounds silly.”
“Not silly at all, but it can be risky.”
“What do you mean?”
“Compatible sexuality… I once almost had sex with a guy who had a penis the size of a baseball bat, the thick end, not the length. I was on the pill then, but I don’t think they make a condom big enough to fit him, maybe for basketball players he could find one big enough.” Arlene almost choked again as she burst into laughter. “Now, that would be a terrorizing surprise on a wedding night. There is no way we could ever have had sex without one of us having extensive surgery. I felt so sorry for him. I’m sorry. I don’t want to scare you. Please don’t worry, when you’re in love, it will all come together I’m sure. Let’s just hope that the choice is one we never have to make with this class. And, no matter what, I won’t give birth, nor will I ever trap and skin an animal. What I’m going to do is to try and get through this semester and the next, get the hell out of here and gather my thesis data from Denver. You can come visit me. Maybe, I’ll be able to get out of the trapping class somehow. “Arlene,” I said, trying to convey through my eyes my gratitude, appreciation and affection. “Thank you for being so good to me.”
With an equal look of warmth, she said, “Thank you for being funny.”
“Thank you for laughing. You’re a gift.”
“Prepare yourself; the guys are really going to hate you for this.”
“Oh, Arlene,” I said with a sigh, taking another bite of glazed comfort, “I’m used to it.”
When the men had come back with icicles hanging off their eyebrows, I knew I’d made the right decision. Arlene and I had pretended there was nothing wrong. However, when we arrived at a diner for lunch, her oral exam tutor who happened to be taking this course and was also a teacher’s assistant, had her sit with them, leaving me to have to pick a booth without her in it. Charlie always sat at Dr. Bailey’s booth, and it was full. Even if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t feel comfortable intruding on those two. Sweet Casey motioned for me to sit with them, but in the booth behind us were my most ardent haters. We could hear the men talking about what crap it was that I didn’t have go up the mountain. It wasn’t Arlene’s fault because Dr. Bailey told her to stay with me. Their disgust radiated through the booth toward me. Casey began talking to the other man as if he hadn’t heard them. But, every so often I heard my name spoken, but was unable to make out the exact words, for which I was grateful. Of course, I wanted to stuff myself with food and ordered a cheeseburger and fries, even after the donuts. Guilt erupted immediately making me want to spew it all up and wished I could. I looked toward the bathroom behind me which meant I’d have to walk past the table of hatred. Sadly, as I had referred to Arlene earlier about being used to being hated, I had had a fat puberty, and it seemed to bring out such meanness in people, especially certain family members, close ones. I thought how pathetic that I still created such negativity towards myself. Standing, I walked quickly to the hall where the bathrooms were. The women’s room was locked, so I waited… and waited. I went back to the main room and looked to see if it could be Arlene, but she was there. The Persian man, where was he? Just as I thought that, the door opened and out he came. Barely speaking English, and obviously not understanding there was a difference between men and women’s room, he constantly rushed in ahead of Arlene and me.
“This is the Ladies Room,” I said slowly and tried to make eye contact. Always looking so sad, I did empathize with his probable loneliness so far from home. He never acknowledged my presence. Having to use the bathroom right after him always grossed me out, but since I wanted to throw up my hamburger and fries peering into the toilet he just used would surely make me puke, and it did.
That afternoon, being psychologically thinner from my purge had put me in a better mood. However, I was not someone who threw up after meals. This was only the second time in my life. I had had a roommate and knew another girl that did it all the time, and being thin wasn’t that important to me, but today I needed to void. On a mountain side of trees dead from a fire, we listened to a quick lecture about how fire can actually be a good thing if controlled, bringing new diversity to the area, and about the constant debate over silviculture, the management of forests. Wearing hard hats in case a tree fell, which we were told was remote; I began snapping pictures of how funny we all looked with the hard hats on top of our winter hats, in contrast to the depressing sight of a lifeless hillside. The snow wasn’t that deep as we walked about these blackened trunks. The silence within the sheer majesty of the mountains moved me. I had pride that I was here studying for my Masters learning about the earth, nature. Suddenly, Shane, the baby Huey guy, walked toward me and stuck his thumb in front of my camera aperture.
Breaking the quiet, I yelled so loudly that it startled me, “I’M GOING TO STICK MY THUMB UP YOUR ASS!” What I wanted to say was, remove your thumb from my camera you asshole. Stunned, Shane began laughing. The phrase, “frozen in their tracks” came to mind as I scanned the men staring. Horrified that I yelled such a thing in front of Professor Bailey and the Wildlife Officer didn’t stop me and Arlene from bursting into hysterics which lasted on and off all the way back to campus.
As we unloaded our things, Dr. Bailey came up to me and said, “Nancy, why don’t you come see me tomorrow morning in my office at 8:00 A.M.” That it’s for me, I thought. He’s going to kick me out of the program.”
Seven forty-five a.m., having walked briskly in the snow and cold from my graduate housing across campus to his office, I now moved very slowly toward his door down the old hallway of death with the dioramas of stuffed animals. Bundled up from head to foot, I pictured myself in one of the cases just as I came to his door. I’d be dressed as I am, in deep fake snow up past my thighs, with a fake ice blizzard slashing at, on and about me. The sign on my Diorama would say, ‘Dead Student – Didn’t belong here, now always will be.’ When I came back to reality, I found Dr. Bailey staring at me as he sat behind his big desk. I startled visibly and audibly.
“Nancy,” he chuckled, “what are you scared of?” Studying me, he said, “You don’t like the cold do you? Thanks for coming in. Sit down, take off your scarf but don’t bother taking all the rest off, this will be fast.” I sat. He continued, “It was mentioned to me that your father travels to Japan frequently for business and that he was going to purchase a lens for Carl.” Carl was a very cute, twenty-two year old kid in my class who actually asked me questions, yet was amused and joined in the overall disdain of my being. “Do you think your father would do that for me? I understand he can get them for half price.” I stared at him for a moment before answering. “Carl seemed to think you wouldn’t mind me asking.”
“Of course he’d get one for you, Dr. Bailey. Just write down exactly what you want and I’ll call him tonight.”
“Great,” he said, handing me a sheet of paper. “I wrote everything out clearly. Well, have a nice Christmas, and I’ll see you next semester. Wait, you’re Jewish? Is Ellen a Jewish last name?”
“I’m not sure. My great grandfather came through Ellis Island, and my grandfather told me that when my great grandfather was asked his name, which was Jerome Myronpolsky, they just said to him, now it’s Jerome Ellen. I’ll always be grateful to whoever kept me from being a Myronpolsky. Kind of weird, huh, so maybe Ellen is a Jewish name.”
“You don’t look… well happy Hanukah anyway. Um…,” His face flushed, and I knew he knew he’d made a faux pas. “Uh, well, we’ll just be having lectures and meeting once a week in class for assignments until March then we’ll be going again.” His lectures were attended by at least one hundred undergraduates, but our trips and the once a week private class were just for the twenty of us in graduate school. He nodded his head then went back to whatever he had been doing.
Leaving a wet puddle from my melting boots, I left his office relieved, but annoyed that he made me worry all night, get up early to come all this way just to ask me to get him an expensive camera lens. I imagined this was his way of punishing me for yelling at him when he drove too fast. I also knew he was about to say, ‘you don’t look Jewish.” I’d been hearing that all my life. My small nose I was told. Maybe Jew came to his mind because my father could get him a discount. Were there any Jewish people in Fort Collins, and was I the first Jew some of these people had ever seen? Actually, except for my being an agnostic, everyone else in my family had always been atheists and only did the Jewish thing for business and social reasons. After my parents divorce, organized religion left our lives completely. Plodding down the hall, a smile came as I thought, I’m going to pass this course, oh yes I am. And, yes, Wildlife Habitat Management lasted two semesters as we had to observe habitats in all seasons, even if summer only lasted a couple weeks the beginning of the school year.
Early March, the caravan of vans was off again, headed northwest to stare at more deer and elk habitat. At yet another wildlife office, we first stood in a garage with four or five windows that had at least a foot and a half of dead flies on all the sills, listening to a lecture which I did not hear. I wondered why they would allow the flies to build up like that, it was disgusting and could we be breathing in some fly disease molecules. I tried to concentrate, but couldn’t take my eyes off the mounds and mounds of them. When asked if we had any questions, I actually asked, “Why all the flies and is it safe to sleep in here?”
Immediately, I wanted to suck the query back down my throat, but it was too late. In unison the men all groaned loudly and chuckled a bit. Dick, the man who really resented me stared at me with such disgust I knew something insulting was coming. However, the Wildlife Officer conducting the group laughed and said kindly, “We’re slobs we should clean it up. It will be done before tonight.”
Dr. Bailey told us to go outside and eat our lunch that we had been told to pack. An orange cat that I had seen earlier jumped out of the van I had been riding in. One of the guys yelled from inside it, “The damn cat chewed on all our lunches. Who is the idiot that left the door open?” He turned and looked at me, as did the other men milling around.
“I was first out, and I saw the cat but it wasn’t near the van.”
Dick said, “You saw the cat and you didn’t say anything knowing we had our lunches in the van.”
Handsome face, glasses, dark hair, I thought Dick sexy but too mean and that his name fit him. I wanted to tell him to go screw himself, so angry at being accused for something that never occurred to me about the cat. I hadn’t left the door open, but was still humiliated from the fly question, so I just ignored him and went to see what happened to my lunch. Dick followed me toward the van, and I prayed his lunch hadn’t been eaten. Yes, I had wound up in the same van as him. No, his lunch was spared but mine was quite chewed upon, which embarrassed me knowing how happy it made him.
“Nancy’s lunch got eaten at least,” he announced to everyone. He turned to me and said in a lower voice, “You could miss a meal?”
I froze myself from the inside so I would show no expression or emotion. Arlene, sweetheart that she was, showed up and said she would share her lunch with me.
The following morning was freezing, and I had learned from the other trips to layer and layer and layer. Dick kept calling me R2D2 from the Star Wars movie, and I imagined I did look the robot’s shape. Some of the others chuckled, including handsome Charlie, which hurt me. I had no funny replies. I knew I just had to get through the course with a B. On tests I received more C’s than B’s, but my father had told me that he could get Dr. Bailey a lens for sixty percent off, and it should arrive the beginning of May.
Around the Ides of March we had a trip somewhere in Southern Colorado. Dr. Bailey had allowed Shane to drive his own brown and white station wagon. Shane had invited Carl and me to drive with him, and I sat in the back seat, leaning against a window so I could stretch my legs out staring at the scenery that was just brown and dead looking as we drove south for miles and miles. “Hey, do you know where we’re going you’re getting far behind everyone else.”
“I know where we’re going,” Shane said with a smile, and pulled a large joint from his pocket. “You smoke don’t you, Nancy?”
“I have,” I said, anticipating the fun of getting high. Although, I told myself immediately not to indulge in munchies, as I had lost some weight and didn’t want to gain. “Let’s light that baby up. Carl, have you ever smoked.”
“Yes,” he said, with indignation, turning toward me. “I’m from California, you know, California grass, the Beatles.”
“I saw the Beatles at Red Rocks and Shea Stadium…” Leaning forward, I reached for the joint and lighter Shane held out. It had been a while since I’d indulged and tried not to choke as I inhaled. Handing the joint to Carl, the three of us passed the joint around a few times. “This is very good, Shane, thank you.” I sat back, smiling, savoring the happy if fleeting sense of contentment. “Hey, Shane, that’s enough for you. I don’t want to die in a car accident during this class.”
“Don’t worry, “Shane said, putting the joint out in the ashtray. “Open all the windows to let out the smell.”
Carl began chattering away, and we talked and laughed. Around five, we saw a bar/restaurant with all the vans parked, so we pulled in.
It had been sleeting for about twenty minutes, and as I walked to the door, I noticed a little dog in the back of an open truck looking very uncomfortable. I hurried in, the darkness and quiet of the place surprised me. I scanned the group. Arlene had been riding in the van with her oral exam tutor, but I noticed she now sat with Casey. Carl and Shane came in standing behind me. I spotted an older gray bearded man sitting at the bar drinking.
“Sir, is that your dog in the truck out there? It’s sleeting, and you need to put him in the front seat.”
“Oh, he’s okay. I’ll just be a little longer.”
Perhaps the marijuana made me braver, but I would have done it anyway when I said, “Your dog is cold and wet. Either you take care of your dog, or I’m going to get it.”
“He’ll take your hand off,” the man said, standing. “Don’t get your drawers in a bind I’ll put him in the front seat.” I went with him to make sure he did just that and noticed that Carl and Shane had followed which touched me.
Back inside, after using the facilities and fixing my hair and face, I was still high from the joint, so I decided to take advantage of my new found bravery and went over to the booth where Dr. Bailey and Charlie sat. “Do you mind, if I join you?"
Such stunned expressions, I might as well have said, ‘Let’s have a manage a trios’ ...’ Dr. Bailey motioned for me to take a seat next to Charlie, but I pretended I hadn’t noticed and sat next to Dr. Bailey, so I could stare at Charlie. Charlie stared back. Those lidded brown eyes spoke quite frankly to me. I loved how mountain man he looked with his turtleneck, dark flannel shirt and jeans. Of course, everyone wore just about the same, so did I for that matter, except my turtleneck was under a sweater. Unnerved by the stimulation his looks provided, the waitress asking for my order gave me respite. “A couple shots of Smirnoff on the rocks please and chicken noodle soup.” Although I wanted a gigantic plate of nachos to satisfy my munchies, having Charlie staring at me kept me from it. I turned toward Dr. Bailey and said, “It’s been a long afternoon of ugly scenery.”
Chuckling, Dr. Bailey said, “Yeah, it’s pretty brown this time of year,” then took a swallow of beer.
The men were served their cheeseburgers ordered before I sat down, and I was served my vodka which I sipped slowly. While Charlie ate, he continued looking at me with what I thought an amused expression. Served my soup, I kept sipping my vodka, letting the soup cool. Before I could stop myself, I said, “Your stare disconcerts me, Charlie... Goodness that was a bizarre thing to say, sorry.” I began chuckling and told myself to get a grip, picked up my spoon and ate.
“Excuse me, Nancy, I need to get out,” Dr Bailey said, and I noticed his smile.
After sliding back into the seat, I glanced at Charlie then picked up my spoon and began ingesting my soup again, telling myself to stop talking.
In a voice as masculine as his look, he said, “You realize that your being in this program has kept a guy I know from getting in this year.”
Splashing my spoon in the bowl, I said, “Oh man, why did you have to say that? Why were you staring… oh, never mind.” I was so disappointed he was one of my haters. “I have just as much right to be here. I had the grade point average to get in, and as long as I get B’s, I stay in. This is just one horrid ghastly class.” I took a large, stinging swallow of vodka.
“’One horrid, ghastly class,’” he said mimicking me, followed by a suggestive wink. His demeanor gave me butterflies that had me chuckling and swooning which reminded me of another guy whom I had loved and lost from the University of Colorado. And, having lived in Manhattan, I had had relationships with men of similar personality type, my type. “I heard you were in Forestry and transferred. You hate everything about this program. You’re taking the place of someone who’s studied for it. Why leave Forestry?”
“Too much agronomy and dendrology, statistics...” I regretted saying that. “Listen, I want to teach teachers about conservation education, that’s a good thing. And there is no real program for that, so I’m getting my Masters as best I can and this happens to be one of the requirements. But I don’t think I’ll be able to take the class where I have to trap, kill and skin an animal. Maybe Dr. Bailey will let me out of it.”
“No, he watches.”
“I suppose you’re a pro at killing animals.”
“Expert…”
“Well, that’s it for me I guess. I think it’s a barbaric requirement. Maybe it will be changed.”
“Just for you, huh?” Chuckling, he wiped his mouth and beard with his napkin while I admired his manly hands. Slowly, he took another chug of his beer while pointing to my vodka, “Drink.”
After another couple of sips, I said, “Has anyone ever told you your eyes are like Paul McCartney’s.”
“Who?” he said smiling.
His wit and sexy voice left me with no response but the tingling pleasure spreading through me. Smiling back, we stared into each other’s eyes. Then the sad thought that he did resent me and was making fun of me and would tell the others cooled my desire. I could not take the chance of Charlie under these circumstances. Dr. Bailey appeared at the table grabbing the check and telling us all we’d be leaving in twenty minutes. Charlie took out his wallet and gave his money to Dr. Bailey, stood up and walked toward the men’s room.
Dr. Bailey wouldn’t take my money which I appreciated, and I went over to Shane and Carl’s booth. “Would you guys mind if I asked Charlie to drive with us?”
“Yes,” Carl said. “He’ll tell Dr. Bailey. We won’t be able to smoke pot? And how come you didn’t eat with us?”
“We were together all afternoon, and I didn’t realize you cared, and he may smoke.” Charlie came out of the men’s room. “Charlie,” I said as he walked by, “Why don’t you drive with us, and we can continue our discussion.”
Dr. Bailey spoke before Charlie had a chance to answer. “It’s starting to blizzard. I think we’re going to have to stay in the motel across the way. We’ll share rooms.” I wanted to shout out, ‘I bunk with Charlie,’ but I refrained. I couldn’t even look at him. Dr. Bailey continued, “I’ll go get our rooms, and you guys might as well have another drink.”
My eye caught the man with the dog still sitting at the bar. “Excuse me,” I said loudly, “Would you have left your dog in the blizzard? It’s probably getting cold…”
“Mind your own goddamn business,” the man shouted, standing. “I’ve been taking care of that dog for ten years, and he ain’t dead yet…”
“You mean you’ve been trying to slowly kill him...”
Charlie’s arm wrapped around my shoulder and he escorted me toward a booth. Glancing back, I was glad to see the man putting on his coat. I turned from Charlie’s grasp, and said, “And please, don’t take your anger at me out on your dog.”
The man shook his head in disgust and went out the door. “Oh, I hope he doesn’t hurt his dog.”
Charlie’s arm went round my shoulder again, as he said, “Come on, the dog will live.” All my life I’ve worried about dogs so much that I actually wondered that if reincarnation were true, maybe I had abused them in another life, and now had to suffer their pain. But with Charlie’s arm around my shoulder the dog evaporated from my mind. “I have to go to the ladies room. Would you take my coat and stuff and save us a booth?” I looked around to see if the Persian man was in the bar area, he was, so I asked Arlene to join me in the bathroom. “Listen,” I said locking us in, “you and Casey have been friendlier, you have to try and stay around… stay with him tonight. I’m going for Charlie. Arlene, please tell me you’ll be open-minded as to whatever might happen. Like me asking you to bunk in with Casey if it comes to that. Would you? Forgive my slutty ways, but it’s been a long time since…”
Smiling, she hugged me close, and I hugged back. “Nancy, I’m having more fun then I’ve ever had. Don’t worry… Let’s just see what happens.” She let go of me, and when I looked into her face, her now serious expression surprised me. “Charlie’s a, what’s the word you use, um…a male chauvinist pig. Doesn’t he kind of scare you?”
“Yes, that’s what makes him even more fun.” Suddenly, reality hit again. “What the hell am I doing? I can’t do such thing with Charlie… with all these guys around, and Dr. Bailey. I have no will power. I’m sorry to be so selfish. Please forgive me for putting you in such an awkward position.”
“But, I want to make out with Casey. You’re right… I can tell he’d make out with me if I wanted. I want to have fun. I’ve done nothing but study my whole life and now for my oral exams. Really, about Charlie, I wouldn’t go all the way with him, he’s kind of an asshole, but if we can kiss the guys in private somehow…Please, we’ll watch out for each other.”
Smiling into Arlene’s happy brown eyes, I noticed mascara on her lashes and some blush on her cheeks, and said, “You look very cute, Arlene, but I hope I haven’t ruined you. I know you’re right about Charlie and, well, it’s been a long day, so don’t worry about me, just kissing, but thank you… Let’s put some music on the juke box….”
I changed a couple dollars for quarters and chose, Mustang Sally by Wilson Pickett, then gave Arlene the rest of the quarters to pick any songs she wanted. As my song came on, I danced the stroll to where Charlie sat alone and actually began dancing for him. Charlie’s appreciative stare egged me on until I realized all eyes were upon me, stopped and slid into the booth. “Yikes, I’m a little drunk. God you’re handsome, Charlie. I know I’m probably not your type, but could I ask you to put aside your resentment of my being, and my being in this class, and would you kiss me somehow in private tonight. I know I’m being forward but what the hell… Would you? No obligations of any kind, just kissing. Would you, huh?”
Seeming very entertained, he said, “Sure. I like your mouth.”
“Yes, good teeth and lips. You have a very nice mouth too And, I can look a lot prettier than I do now.” The waitress appeared with a beer for him and he had ordered vodka on the rocks for me. “Thank you, Charlie, but I can only have a sip. I must maintain control. Please know that I know how brazen this is, but understand I’m talking about just kissing no fondling or anything else is that alright?
“I’ll try to control myself.”
Feeling warm from all the vodka and Charlie, I pulled off my sweater stuffing it near my jacket leaving on just my turtleneck. “You understand circumstances of our situation would be inappropriate for sex.” I smiled taking a sip loving the warm rush vodka gave me. Of course, the conversation had me heated. Imbibing in another swallow, I glanced around and noticed everyone socializing, Arlene and Casey sat side by side in a booth, and we were the only women in the place. The Persian man, who had been coming out of the ladies room when I first went to use it, sat with his usual group.
”Let’s pretend I have something in my eye, I go to the bathroom, and then a couple minutes later you come after me to see if I’m okay. Okay?” Chuckling, he nodded. I took my mirror out of my pocket to look closely at my eye and said, “I better go see in a better light what’s in my eye.” Nobody may have heard me or cared, but it made me feel better. Upon arriving in the ladies room, which was a single toilet, I took a quick hand sip of water to un-stick my lips from my gums and waited. I didn’t want to look in the mirror, just fluffed my page boy styled hair with my hands. When he knocked on the door, I would turn out the light. My enthusiasm bubbled within me, and I hoped he didn’t wait too long or Dr. Bailey would be back. The knock came, and I opened the door and there was Charlie. Coming in quickly, he shut the door, locked it and before I could turn off the light he had me in his arms, his tongue slipping between my lips. He sat on the lidded toilet, pulled me on his lap, face forward, my legs on either side and we lost ourselves in each other’s mouth. I didn’t care about his beard, which was a first for me, I just enjoyed the warmth of him and we both were quite engorged with stimulation. I can’t describe his scent other than all male, and I reveled in the whole sensation of him. His hands did not roam, he just held me close kissing me. However, our pelvic areas began undulating against each other right through our jeans. The quickness of my reaching orgasm, and the length and depth of the pleasure of it had me trembling. Our mouths were glued together our tongues entwined which kept me from making any noise louder than muffled groans. Slowly I came back to reality. He held me close, and I didn’t want to look at him embarrassed by my runaway passion. “Are you okay, I whispered?”
With a lustful groan, he said, “Oh, yeah,” and his hot breath in my ear sent a sexual wave of pleasure that made me gasp.
“Oh, Charlie… what you did to me. I know you’ll be discreet. Oh, I hope I didn’t hurt your legs,” I tried to remove myself from his lap. “Let me go, Dr. Bailey’s probably back.”
His arms held me close and tenderly he whispered, “This is all it can be.”
Why, I wanted to ask, but said, still panting some, “Yes, don’t worry, I won’t make you hold my hand the rest of the trip.” We both chuckled. “So, remember if anybody notices we’ll say I had something in my eye, and you came in to help me get it out.” His mouth covered mine once more and I savored the lustiness of his lips and tongue. Seeming reluctant to leave my mouth, I allowed him total access. With sweet kisses, he moved me off his lap, stood, and for a moment our eyes locked in a sensual understanding. He mussed my hair in a teasing manner then unlocked the door and went out, and I followed trying to keep my knees from buckling. Charlie slipped into the men’s room, and I wondered if he was going in to clean himself up or finish himself off. I walked out into the darkened main area when suddenly Carl jumped from his booth, startling me.
“What were you two doing in there? Here’s Nancy, Dr. Bailey,” he said, pointing at my head. Everyone turned to look, but I kept my cool.
“I had something in my eye, Carl, and Charlie got it out. Charlie’s in the men’s room. Geez, what do you think we were doing for God’s sake.” I slipped into the booth with Arlene and Casey, my whole self still radiating. New and continued streams of sexual ache swam through me, and I liked that my lips felt bruised and my skin whiskered burned. Sweetly, Arlene and Casey were still sitting side by side across from me, kissing and talking. Charlie came in a few minutes later, stopped at my booth and asked if my eye felt better, even gave it a look. His gentle touch sent another delicious wave down my body, but I maintained composure. He went over and sat with Dr. Bailey. That night, all night, Arlene and I shared a room, alone. Too embarrassed to tell her everything, I just said we had made out. Charlie didn’t make eye contact with me for the rest of the trip.
Our last weekend jaunt was in mid April to the eastern plains of Colorado near Sterling. Here there were decent outhouses, temperature in the sixties, so we could all sleep outside instead of in the garage connected to yet another Wildlife department’s headquarters. Through this class I had come to respect the bravery of the Wildlife Officers. People wanted to and sometimes did hurt them real bad for enforcing laws. Also, I had to admit that decent hunters respected the environment and the animals within.
Carl, put his sleeping bag near mine. “Tell me why you had to cancel my order for the lens?”
“You know why,” I said, but he looked at me as if he didn’t have a clue. What he had done was tell me a couple weeks ago that one time when he had gone hunting, he had shot a deer and it didn’t die. The hunting fervor of some the men did disturb me. As we would drive in the vans, they were always yelling that they wished they had their rifles when they saw certain wildlife. They would lecture me on the Bambi syndrome in which Disney had given human emotions to animals and distorted the truth making hunters the enemy. I understood that herds had to be thinned or they would starve to death from over eating their environment. I hadn’t understood when Carl told me he had slit the deer’s throat but it took minutes before it died. I had asked why he hadn’t shot it in the head to end its misery, and he said that he wanted to mount its head and send it to his father. When he had begun telling me details of its suffering, I had begged him to stop, but he kept talking. It had taken all my strength not to punch him in the mouth.
Now his sweet mouth pouted as he said, “I heard you’re still getting Dr. Bailey his lens.”
“Yes, that’s true. My father can only get me one.”
“But, I asked first.”
“That’s also true, but Dr. Bailey has control over my grade. You won’t slit his throat will you?
His big blue eyes registered understanding, “Oh, because I slit the deer’s throat. I cried over it.”
“Then if you didn’t want to ruin its head, why didn’t you shoot it in the heart? No, I’m not going to talk about it. Please don’t talk to me about it anymore.” I continued to lay out my sleeping bag and worried maybe he would hurt me. Looking up at him, I said, “Seriously Carl, I am sorry, but I have to give the lens to Dr. Bailey.”
In a hostile stance above me, he said, “No, your Dad could get me the lens, but because I slit the deer’s throat you’re punishing me.”
Continuing to kneel, I said, “It did sound like that, Carl, and I’m sorry. My father has other people that he has promised to buy these lenses, and where he gets them only sells so many at a time. Really, whether you slit the deer’s throat or not isn’t the real reason. I only said that to make you feel bad. I’m sorry. If it is this important to you, why don’t you ask Dr. Bailey if you can get the lens now?”
“I can’t do that.”
“Well, see Carl, neither can I ask him. Dad’s going back in the fall and you’ll be first on his list.”
Sighing, he stared at me for a moment then said, “Okay…”
I gave him my hand to help me up and smiled at him. “Thank you for understanding,” I said, but thought. You’re never going to get a lens, you asshole deer torturer.
I decided to go to the bathroom to get away from him. While waiting for the outhouse, tears began. Arlene and Casey had become quite friendly. She had told me they weren’t going to have sex but fondling had occurred. Of course, I understood her wanting to be with Casey, but I missed her camaraderie. Except for a smile now and then; Charlie and I were strangers which really didn’t bother me, as I had been feeling unattractive lately. Earlier in the day, we had stopped in a store for some snacks and while paying I noticed my reflection in the mirror that catches shoplifters, and for a second I didn’t recognize myself. I needed to lose at least ten pounds, my jeans were tight, I had to wear my jacket because I hated the way I looked in my jeans, I hated my hair, it was too short... The women’s outhouse door opened, and I swear, the Persian man came out.
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