A Garden of Weeds, an Ocean of Feathers
Poems by Deirdre Lu Brennan
Copyright © Haley Fandel 2011-2013
Acknowledgements
I would like to thank my dads, mothers, grandparents, sisters, and brothers for giving me the strength, courage, and belief that they have given me.
Crazy as you may be I could never ask for a more supportive and loving family.
You guys are my foundation.
Table of Contents
Fucked Up
A Poem of Sorrow
I’m Just Tired of You Making Me Cry
Forever is an Empty Promise
Bye, Bye Mother
Poison Rose
My Dark Place
My Reflection?
Garden of Hope
Bubbles
Satan’s Angel
Say It Again, Say It Again
My Backwards Fairytale
Field of Daisies
Sunshine
Raindrops
Star Light, Star Bright
Nothing is Perfect
Past Scars for the Future
She Wears Rubies
Yes, Mr.
Puppet Girl
Fucked Up
You're the
cut on my wrist, baby.
The pain you gave me flows out.
Tears
are cascading down like waterfalls.
My lungs are burning.
My
breath comes short.
Because you're taking it all
Hurt
shines in my eyes.
Brighter than my happiness did
a sad, sad
girl reflects in the mirror.
Don't act like you really
care.
Don't say you love me,
And don't shed that tear.
If
you had cared
You would've shown it.
Instead of run away
A Poem of Sorrow
Open spaces
Enclosed pain
Bleeding wrists
Bed sheets tossed
Falling acid rain
Tears cascading down
Broken heart
Sad girl
Almost dead
Lost weeping soul
All alone in the world
Confused and dying
She waits
On the floor
For her prince charming
He never comes
Through the door
She dies all alone
I’m Just Tired of You Making Me Cry
Forever,
A
promise
Or a threat?
I love you,
Words of truth,
Or
words of regret?
I miss you,
Did you really,
Or is it
another lie?
See you later,
Do you mean it,
Or do you
mean goodbye?
I'm tired of questioning.
Is it truth or is
it lies?
I'm in a pointless romance.
love you,
will forever.
But sometimes I don't know,
If I should give you
another chance.
When you're here
We have fun
And
everything is fine.
The days you decide
You're not horny
enough
You're not mine.
You go out with friends
And
forget about me
Well, I think it's bullshit.
You love me, I
know.
Some days more than others
But that's something you won't
admit.
I'm sorry to say this
But it's something I must
I
love you goodbye.
Harsh words.. Maybe
But truthful all the same
I’m just tired of you making me cry
Forever is an Empty Promise
Forever
will I hold you in my arms.
I promise to never let go.
Times
passes by so fucking fast.
And I wish upon that stupid star that
it'd go slow
Forever doesn't seem long enough
When time
flies right by
So I can't promise forever
Because, now, forever
means goodbye
I can't say I love you infinity
Because even
infinity has an end
And my love for you hasn't one
This rule of
time, I can't seem to bend
Just one more time, I'll wish upon
a star
Pray till my breath comes in rasps
That time will just
fucking stop
And forever will be in my grasp
I can't say
I'll be with you always
Because the path of time will veer
We'll
go in completely different directions
And when we meet again,
forever's end will be near
Forever is an empty promise
When
time passes right on by
If that star would grant me one wish
I'd
wish that forever didn't mean goodbye
Bye, Bye Mother
I cry when
it rains
I smile to mask my pain
A promise will be broken
A
family will part
A new one will start
Truth remains
unspoken
Children left alone
Motherless and stoned
Nothing
will be the same
Daddy
depressed
Crying out his heart
He's not to blame
Once
again she's gone
Two years withdrawn
A happy family
done
Bruised bleeding wrists
The fairy tale twists
My
head to the gun
Poison Rose
If you
poison the rose
Stay far from the thorn
An angel without
wings
Will always be forlorn
Life without love
Isn't
life at all
Step away from the edge
Please God, don't let her
fall
My angel, my rose
My dearest friend
So sad refusing
help
Walking right to the end
Sitting in
the bathtub
A razor near by
Tears falling like rain
Wanting
to die
Everyone loves her
To God we pray
She'll come
back
And never walk away
Life's
bringing her down
She's drowning in sorrow
We're all terribly
scared
She won't be here tomorrow
We hope, we pray, we wish
That she’ll be herself again
But if the rose is poison
There will always be pain
My Dark Place
I dwell in
a dark place
such a dark place
No light shines to guide me
I
can't see where I'm heading
where do I go
Vitality flows from
my veins
As the thorn in front of me slays
blood and pain
This
dark place
is my heart
You took away my light
And left me
hear to feel around
not even a flame of hope
You stole my
love
You shredded my life
into so many pieces
I can't begin
to put myself together
I used to smile and laugh
I used to be
happy and care
used to
But now I lay in my dark place
My
dark place, my heart
the one you lit up with joy
I lay crying
out my eyes
The sting from the acid tears
That fall because of
you
they burn my cheeks
Why did you do this to me?
I thought
you loved me
I guess you didn't
My dark place, my heart
It
consumes me in my sorrow
as it decays
One day you'll be
here
sharing this dark place
My Reflection?
Staring at
my reflection
Like a blind child with new eyes
Gawking at the
sorrow
I refused to realize
I never noticed the tears
That
fall like pouring rain
Wetting my face with sorrow
Stinging my
cheeks with internal pain
I never noticed the scars
The
cover my legs and arms
How deep and purple they are
Or how much
I was in love with harm
This reflection, is it really me
Or
my me from inside
Is it really this happy girl
Or the one
screaming suicide
Garden of Hope
In this
little patch of barren land
I shall plant a garden of hope
Filled
in dreams and wishes
All planted by my hand
Here is a
tulip, hope for eternal spring
A lily, hope for great friendship
A
beautiful rose, hope for love
And a carnation, hope for all the
happiness life can bring
My garden of hope, watered with
sorrowful rain
On the verge of being murdered by winter
Sunlight
fading into eternal darkness
My hopeful flowers are wilting from
pain
Bubbles
When my
fire inside
Is burning out of control
I cool it down in a
scalding bath
The tub filled to the brim
With the hottest
water
Every cell in my body screaming
All but my nose is
consumed
In the scalding water
barely enough room to breathe
I
cover my eyes so I can't see
All I can hear is my heart rapidly
beating
Now I plug my only source of air
Completely under
the water
Seeing darkness, hearing silence
I now have time to
think
With my lungs screaming
And my head pounding
I
come out to breathe
I turn on the jets and pour in
soap
Bringing my best friend to life
Bubbles
They
surround me quickly
With the joyous white color
Greeting my
with soft tickling kisses
Secretly I envy these bubbles
They
never have emotions to endure
They can pop at the slightest bit of
sorrow
Unlike me who must live life
And witness all it's
ugliness
Slowly plotting my demise
The bubbles become more
and more
Filling the tub to over flowing
Consuming me in
hate
I turn off the jets to listen
Listen to the bubbles
pop
But I begin to panic
NO! My
bubbles are dying
My only friends leaving
Not taking me with to
happiness
In a hurried frenzy I dive
Face first into the
water
Creating jets of my own
Planning on keeping the
bubbles alive
My lungs begging my heart racing
I saved the
bubbles, they're in my lungs
But sadly, they're still
popping
Loudly popping never stopping
Even as I'm dying
Satan’s Angel
Black
whispers pouring from poison lips
Rigid caresses from thorned
finger tips
Fabricated tales of love and adoration
Satan's most
prized evil creation
Magnificent wings tattered and torn
All
hatred from this thing is born
The shadows dance in it's
place
Misery and hurt consume it's face
This forlorn little
creature wanting to die
Tears cascading down while walking
by
Never wanted to be this, so hated so alone
Choice was taken,
their soul Satan owns
Fallen from grace, rejected by God
Now
looked upon as weird and odd
Walking all alone wishing to be
free
This sad, fucked up girl who is me
Say It Again, Say It Again
Say it
again
Say it again
Tell me I'm a liar
Call me a whore
Spew
those lies all over me
And I promise I'll believe
Day after
day I hear the same thing
"You're a worthless, no good
bitch!"
Your stinging words hurt me
They stain my soul
with putrid lies
No matter how indifferent I act
It bothers me
more than anything
My face is blank in the midst of the war
But
when alone, anguish and pain cover my face
Written on my body is
all your cruel words
Say it again
Say it again
Tell me
I'm a liar
Call me a whore
Spew those lies all over me
And I
promise I'll believe
Doesn't matter what I think
I know you're
right
I'm a bitch, I'm a liar
I'm a whore, I'm
worthless
Keeping yelling your cruelties
We both know the end
Right
after school, walking in the door
The first thing I hear, "Come
here bitch!"
I know your every word by heart
"Come
here and give daddy a kiss."
I play as if I don't hear
you
Like ignoring you will make you stop
But I know it won't, I
know, I know
What am I to do with so little hope
How am I to
cope with a father so evil?
Play along, yell back, keep the war
strong
Say it again
Say it again
Tell me I'm a liar
Call
me a whore
Spew those lies all over me
And I promise I'll
believe
Doesn't matter what I think
I know you're right
I'm
a bitch, I'm a liar
I'm a whore, I'm worthless
Keeping yelling
your cruelties
We both know the end
Yeah, say it again, I
dare ya!
We'll see who can scream louder
Bet it isn't you.
What's your wager?
Yell one more time daddy
What? Don't have
the guts?
Not scared of a knife to the throat are ya?
No, can't
be. Say it again, say it again.
Call me a whore, say I'm a
bitch!
Aren't I a no good worthless pile of shit?
Oh, I see,
not when I'm in charge
Say it again, say I won the final
battle
Say good night, say good bye
Say it
again
Say it again
Tell me I'm a liar
Call me a whore
Spew
those lies all over me
And I promise I'll believe
Doesn't
matter what I think
I know you're right
I'm a bitch, I'm a
liar
I'm a whore, I'm worthless
Keeping yelling your
cruelties
We both know the end
The end is the end of you
My Backwards Fairytale
Fairytales:
Knights
in shining armor
Saving pretty princesses
Living happily ever
after
Every fairytale has a happy ending
Except mine, mine
will end tragically
I was the princess, he the prince
But we
didn't ride off into the sunset
He didn't slay the dragon
And
take me from the tower
He put me there to live forever
Under
the spell of his love
He held my
heart, I held his cock
He told me he loved me, would
forever
Killed my fairy godmother horribly
So I couldn't wish
myself away
When I wasn't his whore, I was alone
All alone
to cry myself to sweet dreams
Sweet dreams where I was in real
love
And my prince wasn't really a pig in silk
I wanted so
bad for my dreams to come true
But reality struck them down to the dirt
Forever will I be under his torturous spell
Waiting for my backwards fairytale to end
Field of Daisies
Sitting in
a field of daises
Crying out my broken heart
Picking the petals
off the flower
Memories playing through my mind
Sweet
memories, sad memories
Coming down like a spring shower
My
head hanging low. In shame?
No, in defeat, battled down by
love
Crying so hard, gasping, panting
No hope left in my
shattered heart
But I'm holding on to something
I have to be
because I'm still chanting
He loves me
He loves me
not
I love him
I Love him a lot
Sitting
amongst the wilting petals
Tore down by my hand in sorrow
Just
like them, I'm slowly dying
Each passing minute I die a little
more
In your absence I am nothing. Nothing
One who was perfect,
is now crying
Mascara running in refuge from my eyes
Just
like my fleeting soul, flying to it's mate
Helplessly flying
because it's mate is wrong
Half the field wilting from
miscare
The beautiful daises simple and perfect
Helping me
chant what takes so long
He loves me
He loves me not
I
love him
I love him a lot
The last
petal lingers in my finger
It's lying to me, enjoying my pain
It
says he loves me, I fall in defeat
Trustingly putting my fate
in petals
How pathetic am I really?
I hopefully believe their
deceit
A slight smile shines on my face
He loves me! He
loves ME!
But deep down, I know he doesn't
Tears cascade
down my sorrowed face
And a razor is held my fingers, on my
wrist
I thought the petal was truthful, it wasn't
He
loved me
Now, he loves me not
I love him
I love him ALOT
My body
fertilizes the earth
The nutrients of my tears
Pushing up
daisies for the next love sick girl
She'll come pick my petals
off of me
Wishing hopelessly for her love to come back
So that
she can once again have her world
But I'll lie to her as I
listen to her mantra
Chanting through tears, praying for
life
She'll momentarily believe me, she'll smile
As I once
did, a lifetime ago it seems
As I sat in the same spot,
crying
Wilting, dying for the longest while
I hear the more
than familiar words
He loves me
He loves me not
I
love him
I love him a lot
Sunshine
Sunshine
blocked by clouds
Storm rolling in, thunder so loud
Acid
droplets, disguised as rain
I'll never see sweet sunshine
again
Looking out the window
Watching the wind blow
Ground
starting to flood
Not by water, but by blood
A massacre
of mortal souls
Bodies falling into one big hole
Storm blocked
sunshine bliss
The good ol' days fall into the abyss
The
massacre storm, reflection of my life
Sunshine my happiness, storm my strife
Never ending storm of sorrow
But still, I hold on, waiting for a better tomorrow
Raindrops
The pitter patter of the raindrops
The loneliest sound to be heard
Echoes in my ever hollow ears
Like your words resounding
Tears
cascading down my cheeks
Synchronized with the rhythmic
drops
Shallow breaths disappearing fast
Heart beat
slower and slower
Darkness closing in on me
The pitter
patter of the raindrops
Reminds me I'm alone
No
laughter, no music, no whispers
That once came from your lips
I
utter a soundless goodbye
To the sun and to you
Eyelids
become heavier
Laden with shining sorrow
The pitter patter of the raindrops
The last sound I’ll ever hear
Before
My body
was perfect before
His lies became my razor
And his promises my
scars
Pain > Happiness
My heart
was once whole
Before the fairy tale ended
No Happily ever
after
Frog + kiss = disaster
My
innocence was mine
Before he seduced me
Now nothing is life but
a shell
Love = Lust
My smile was real
Before
he stole it
Not it'll never shine
You + Me = heart
break
My body was beautiful before
His love became my pain
I am nothing of the girl I used to be
Sorrow x Razor = the end of me
Star Light, Star Bright
Star
light
Star bright
Please grant me
What I wish tonight
Send
me a prince
To wipe away my tears
Give me back the
Three
wasted years
If this is too much
Just let me know
I'll
shrink away
And let the night grow
Upon my torn heart
Consuming
my tattered soul
But grant me this
Please make me whole
Star
light
Star bright
Why do I wish I on you?
Nothing ever
comes
But tears and neglection
This hope is dying
From false
affection
No love left to share
No wings to take flight
No
wish comes true
Star light, star bright
Nothing is Perfect
Even
in darkness
There is light
Even with peace
We will
fight
Behind every smile
Is a veil of tears
In every brave
person
There is fear
Even in love
There will be hurt
Even
in cleanliness
There will be dirt
In common things
There is
rarity
Even in ugliness
There is beauty
In perfection
There
is flaw
Nothing is perfect
The unwritten law
Past Scars for the Future
'Stay
away from her, she's weird.'
'Oh My God! Look at her clothes!!
How can you judge her
By the path she chose?
Everyone
says the don't label
But that's all I ever see
He's prep, she's
Goth
Just leave them all be
People are people
No matter
their dress
Calling them Emo, Goth, freak
Just puts them under
stress
When you see their scars
Pretend you're blind
Instead
of being freaked out
Try and be kind
Did you
see her arms?
I know, doesn't she feel pain?
Yes, she does, so,
so much
So she let falls the crimson rain
Sure it's not
healthy
But that’s how she copes
That's her pain remedy
So
she doesn’t sit and mope
With self mutilation I do not agree
But
how can you see my past scars
And judge the present me?
She Wears Rubies
A crown of
fire
Swirling in curls
Cascading down her body
The
entire ocean
Held in orbs
The bluest of blue
Bones and
muscles
Covered in pearls
Translucent in the sun
And
rubies on her wrist
Sparkling like stars
Between two
roses
Outshining the sun
A humming
bird's song
Times a thousand and two
Deafening a mortal's
ears
A red roses envy
Pure crimson held in place
Hiding
the brightest stars
And rubies on her wrists
A girl so beautiful
So much to live for
Rich in many ways
This girl, desired by many
Envied by more
Wears rubies on her wrists
Yes, Mr.
Yes, Mr.
Spider weave your web
Web of lies
Trap me on the sticky
thread
With my smile
Cover me up and tight
to
drown out my cries
Drain the love right out of me
Please
make it a short while
Yes, Mr. Weasel steal my heart
And
bury it deep inside
Slither like Mr. Snake into my mind
Place
thoughts of love true
Mend and patch the cracks
At least
it was revived
And fill in the missing pieces
With
images of you
Yes, Mr. Devil fill me up with hurt
I'm
your slave. There for use
Tell me you love me to kill
me
Confusing love for lust
Trick me to love you so
much
Then begin the hidden abuse
Tell no one of the real
reason
You've always had my trust
Yes, Jimmy
you have hurt me
Yet you don't understand how
You're blind to
the lies you said
And how the hit like a plow
You made yourself
believe
That you loved me for real
But the love was disguised
lust
Now the searing pain I feel
After all, I've always
said
Love is lust wrapped in a pretty ribbon
I should've
learned my lesson
Puppet
Girl
I am the
puppet
And you hold my strings
Making me cry, laugh,
And
do naughty things
I take these scissors
And, cut, cut,
cut.
I'm sick and tired
Of being your controlled slut