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teen mom tellS all

BOOK EXCERPT

Katrina Robinson

War for Your Dreams

ENTER THE MATRIX

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FOREWARD BY

BESTSELLING AUTHOR: DR. NIDO QUBEIN, PRESIDENT,

HIGHPOINT, UNIVERSITY

EXCERPT

The MATRIX is a metaphor for choice.

Two worlds. Two pills. One choice.

A choice to live in the shadow of the past, or in the realm of the unseen where dreams and capabilities lie. A choice between

TRUTH and LIES.

Which will you choose?

“Sometimes finding yourself feels like looking in the trash can.”

Katrina Robinson

Grow Up

War

Living was a little different now. We were in the county where more family resources were available. There was more subsidized housing, cleaner public transportation, and better schools. At one point, the rent at our subsidy was $1 per month. It was also a different landscape. There was space, trees, grass, and a lot less noise. I grew to like it. The yellow buses took me and my sisters to school everyday. My mother finally got a car too. She enrolled in college and got a degree. My sisters were growing up and got to take full advantage of county living. Grandma being right across the street secured us even more. She lived in her house for 30 years. It was paid for. She wouldn’t be moving any time soon. I played lottery numbers often for her. The lottery clerk knew her handwriting on my number list. Those tickets earned grandma regular income; aside from day care. She was always hitting! And when she did, the whole family got blessed. Whatever the family needed, she gave. When I went to the store I’d say, “Grandma, I’m going to the store. Do you want something?” She’d say, “Yes, a Cadillac car, a diamond ring, and a man.” I’d reply, “I’ll see what I can do.” Too funny! Her house was where the whole family gathered for special occasions. She was the anchor of the family. (I miss her much.)

At this point, I was doing well scholastically, participating in school sports, and spent a lot of time with my friends. I grew close to two in particular. We met at school and shared a lot laughs together. Many secrets too. I looked so regular and healthy on the outside; but internally I was bleeding. I had issues about being adopted. I didn’t look like any person in my family and I was the darkest. It was pointed out often. I also had abusive memories haunting me off and on. Our single parent family was not equipped to get the counseling and intervention I needed. Mom had no interest in doing anything that would be to my long-term benefit. Besides, she had her own ghosts to deal with. She had come a long way, but it never changed her attitude toward me. For some reason, my dark skin was offensive. One day she said,”Have you really looked at your bottom lip?” My bottom lip was a little pink; discolored from birth – like I had been smoking. I thought, “What’s wrong with my bottom lip?” She said, “It looks like a monkey’s butt!” I went and looked in the mirror. I just stared for a minute. Then I went to the encyclopedia to see if I could find the picture of a monkey’s butt. Couldn’t find one. Back to the mirror I went. Something changed this time. I wondered how many people looked at me and saw a monkey. Then, I looked at my dark skin and short hair. UGLY! I was ugly. Every time I looked in the mirror, I didn’t see my unblemished skin, my slanted eyes, or my nice shape. I just saw ugly. An ugly dark skinned girl, living in a house with better looking people. I didn’t want to look much in the mirror anymore. My looks no longer mattered. I was ugly, and I accepted it.

“Getting pregnant early is like postponing a worldwide expedition..indefinitely.”

Katrina Robinson

Teen Pregnancy

War

With my mother working, in college for the 2^nd time, and playing catch up in her personal life, I was watching my sisters after school. I did a horrible job with the big sister thing. Boys had my attention now because they gave me attention. I was walking home from school with them, paging them, dating them. When I couldn’t get out of the house, I was on the phone with them. Trouble and hardship knocked on the door and I let them in.

Neighborhood boys are the closest ones to get hooked up with. You can conveniently see them when you’re bored, broke, or lonely. They’re always nearby to sneak around with. The next thing is to start experimenting sexually. Along with that may come alcohol abuse, drug dealing or crime. Idle time can yield a lot of stuff. Costly decisions are easily made when you’re immature. One of those is unprotected sex. All of a sudden, pregnancy emerges. An unplanned one. Unplanned pregnancy had found me. After feeling sick for a few days, I decided to get a pregnancy test. I went to Planned Parenthood. I didn’t tell anyone, I wanted to go alone. It was a little scary but I had to know. The test was positive. My stride was much slower when I left the facility than when I went in. That kind of news will slow a anybody down. Man, oh Man. The bus trip from that building back home seemed like a lifetime. My mind was racing and my heart was beating fast. Of course I told my two best friends. They just looked at me, but they pledged their support. I felt like daaag…everybody is having sex, but I got caught. I had to tell the father. When he found out, he was not happy. Looking back, I guess that’s understandable since we were both high school students. Neither of us was mature at that point. But I never expected him to desert us. Being abandoned was the farthest thing from my mind. I really thought he would do the right thing after he got over the anger or when the baby was born. He never did. I never thought about how much pain I would be in if he disappeared. His family hurt me to my heart. Around my 2^nd month of pregnancy, I saw his mother in the grocery store and she was so nasty to me. She was convinced I was on a mission to destroy her son’s life. (He obviously had played no part in me getting pregnant!) She almost ran me over in her Chevrolet another day. She stopped in the middle of the street, got out of her car, and started yelling and screaming. Of course she turned a deaf ear to anything I had to say. It was all about him not getting into trouble with the law. Her message very clear. Abort that baby! Maybe to her that was the best thing to do, but I was so overwhelmed I couldn’t decide what to do. Even abortions cost money and her son had completely cut me off. She took my phone number and vowed to help pay for the procedure. I never heard from her ever again. I started thinking more and more about having an abortion. At the time, I was working at McDonalds. I started saving money for a procedure. Good ole’ mom. Most women know when someone is pregnant. They know the signs. She saw how I was laying around all the time. Hiding in my room. Ducking her out. Women are not stupid! “Katrina, are you pregnant?” she asked. “No.” I knew I was lying and so did she. She was in my room one day and found the abortion money. She put a stop to that abortion nonsense. She did not support abortion in the least. I’m so glad someone stopped me from making a terrible mistake. The whole ordeal was scary and oh so painful, but I’m glad I went through it.

When delivery time came, I was at the hospital alone. The baby’s father didn’t come, his family didn’t come, and my sisters were too young to make it. My mom came when I went in for surgery. I was laying in the hospital bed and all of a sudden all the wall monitors started going off. My mother called the doctors in. They came rushing in, yelling at each other and moving fast. They adjusted and rolled my bed out of the room. I said, “What’s wrong, what’s wrong?” None of the doctors would answer me. I guess they figured I was just another kid pregnant before her time and I wouldn’t understand anyway. I started crying. I was scared to death. Is the baby dying? How much pain will I be in? My son was having fetal distress (difficulty breathing while inside the womb). They had to rush me in for a C-section. That meant a permanent scar and a long recovery. My mom had to stand outside the operating room because of sterilization. I looked around the room and I was surrounded by strangers. Nobody in there knew me, and I knew none of them. My body was exposed, I was in pain, and an emotional wreck. I just couldn’t stop crying. During birth, I was sick to my stomach. I probably vomited at least 5 times that day. Fear overtook me and I didn’t have a soul to lean on. The nurse who came to comfort me and hold my hand was no consolation to me. She was a stranger too. All I could do was lie on that table and recall the promises my boyfriend made. I had flashbacks of bad memories too. I was so glad when surgery was over. My son was finally born. I was wheeled back to my room afterward, but I lost a lot of blood. I couldn’t even stand up the next day without fainting. I almost killed the nurse that tried to break my fall. She fell too. I stayed in the hospital for a few days. My boyfriend never contacted me. I just gave up on his father and decided it’s me and the baby. He was so precious at birth. All babies are. Holding my son helped me forget about some of the pain. He was as the bible would say “a goodly child”. Strong, healthy, and cute as a button. His father missed out on that.

We moved from place to place; living with parents, family members, in a shelter, to living with a guy. I lost possessions with every move. It wasn’t a time to try and hold on to anything of sentimental value, and it hurt. We were unstable, and would be for the next few years. I remember living off food stamps, medical assistance, and cash assistance just like my mom did. I remember the low wage jobs, trying to get day care and trying to find a house all at the same time. I remember waking up some days and saying, “I’m so ashamed of myself. What am I going to do? What’s going to happen to us?”

My uncle saw me struggling and suggested applying for unemployment. Unemployment benefits? I had never heard of unemployment before. I caught the bus to the unemployment office, and signed up. There was quite a bit of money paid into my insurance. That money carried me for a little while. Renting a house was a first for me, but I had to find one. The townhouses I found were cheap and in the middle of nowhere. The buses ran once every 2 hours. It was the cheapest rental I could find. Tidewater Village, I’ll never forget that place. My first permanent home away from home. The rental office denied me, but would approve if I had a co-signer. Thank God for my dad. He co-signed so the kids and I could have a roof over our heads.

My second child was born right on schedule. No C-section this time. I had a healthy baby girl by regular birth. She wasn’t like her brother, she cried a lot. It didn’t bother me any. It’s something about motherhood that helps with all the pain and strain. When I left the hospital, I stayed with my mother for a few days to recuperate, then went back to my house. Anyone who came to visit that had a car got the royal treatment. I had one baby on my hip and one baby in the stroller riding the buses to get around. Can you imagine trying to go grocery shopping on the bus with a toddler and an infant in the strollers? Can you imagine the days it was raining? I didn’t have enough hands to carry the groceries, stroller, diaper bag, and pocket book. We did a lot of borrowing too. I can see how God kept me from getting hooked on drugs or alcohol. That’s all people did out there in those woods was get high, get drunk, and have sex. I still had a made up mind that I can do better. My father brought a few pieces of used furniture to start us off. My boyfriend re-appeared for a short time, bought a few things, and then disappeared again. This time, I was ready.

The unemployment job service helped me get a resume together and start applying for clerical jobs. I kept those resumes and applications going out despite deep depression, anxiety and hopelessness.

A community college contacted me for a job as a grant funded part-time secretary position. You talk about excited! That wasn’t the word! An interview for a real job – with real benefits. What was I going to wear? None of the money that came through my hands was spent on clothing acceptable for office work. One black dress hung in my closet that covered enough of my body to pass an interview. What would I say? A serious salvage of the memory went on. Attempting to recollect my work experience and communicate it effectively to others would be a challenge. Especially since my brain was so scrambled I could barely remember if I was coming or going. How would I get there? I laid out the connecting bus routes on paper. It took three buses just to get to the daycare. Then a 2-mile walk to the college campus.

6am came quickly the day of the interview. Actually it felt good to have a reason to dress up. A diaper bag packed with diapers and milk was on my shoulder. Princess was in my arm and baby J was at my knee. In the other hand a stroller, for when my shoulders and back would fail. On the bus off the bus, on the bus off the bus, on the bus off the bus, and then walk to the daycare. Then the 2-mile journey began. The college was two miles from day care and sat on a high hill. I walked from childcare up the hill. So much went through my mind. They won’t hire me. They’re going to look at me and know I’m struggling to make it. They’re going to laugh at me. Can I answer all the questions? I should just go home. But one thing stayed on my mind. If didn’t go to the interview, my fate would be sealed as a statistic. That was not an option. By the time of my arrival on the campus, I needed to rest just from the journey. The interview didn’t last long and surprisingly I got hired. I finally landed a job. Happiness is getting hired! A secretarial job was good money compared to an unemployment check. It was at a college with health benefits, retirement, pre-tax plans, and credit union options. Being gainfully employed changes your whole life. I found out my new employer even paid for college tuition. Wow! A second chance at a college education was more than I could imagine.

I could see a dim light at the end of a long tunnel. Then the real challenges began. Getting up everyday at 6am, riding all the buses and then walking to work. Then doing the same thing to get home, whether it rained, thundered, or snowed. Snow and ice bruised my feet as I carried the kids on and off the buses. It was hardest on the days when Princess and Baby J did not cooperate. They had days when they slowed me down crying, whining, or not wanting to get off the bus when it was time. I stayed skinny those years. I had plenty of daily exercise. I’d get blessed sometimes with a ride by one of my co-workers. The money I made part-time was just enough to replace the social service benefits that were cut. My budget was very strict. My clothes had holes in them, but I ironed them and wore them to work anyway. I went hungry during lunch most of the time, but the joy of having a job kept me going. It was HOPE for the future. Some days I would just cry. Wondering when would things get better? I cried and kept pushing. I was ashamed, but I kept pushing. Thinking about suicide, but I kept pushing. Some days it would rain on us so hard on the bus stop. God forbid there was a storm with high winds. Sometimes, I just stayed at daycare and made my journey later on in the evening. Often, I would forget it was the 1^st day of the month and my bus pass would be expired. I didn’t know what day of the week it was most days. I would have to get off the bus and go buy a new bus pass. Some days we had to run for the bus. Other days the bus would leave us and we had to wait an hour for the next one. Every now and then, the bus didn’t even show up! And rarely, I’d treat myself to a hacker or taxi. I cried a lot during those days and nobody heard my cries but God.

I finally got a car and started gaining forward momentum. Someone told me about car auctions and I saved enough to show up and take a chance. Without any idea what I was doing, I bid on a two door hatchback 1989 Renault Alliance. Few people bid against me that day so it was mine! It cost $500. I shouted every day for a year. No more two mile walks, strollers, taxis, begging for rides, heavy grocery bags, and bus transfers. Life was getting better. I would definitely get my money’s worth even if the car just lasted for 3 months.

&

“Life is short, and sometimes blurry.”

Katrina Robinson

Social

War

While everything was getting better on the financial and career fronts, the social front, where all that inward pain originated was in turmoil. I didn’t understand my turmoil, but I knew I wanted to ease it. I found a few ways including shopping, dating and bar hopping. Financial freedom brought me to a place of real life exploration. I had my own house, automobile, and job. I had a little attitude too. I was about to learn some hard lessons about friendships, relationships, and my foolishness.

By this time, I was well into my 20’s. Lord have mercy. It was a ham! (I hope you know what that means). I was very blessed that my close friends and I were never on the drug scene; but I drank enough liquor to bury a whole herd of horses. I would get tore up at one of those “hole in the walls.” The drinks were the bomb. St. Ides, Crazy Horse, Rumn’ Coke, Long Island Ice Tea….I used to lift my drink up to God and say, “Thank you Jesus, for whoever made this liquor.” Then I would fall out laughing. Pitiful. Trying to escape from the struggle came easy between the liquor, night clubs, and boyfriends. When I was drunk, nothing mattered. One night I drank about six Long Island ice teas. Now you know! I remember I was with my girlfriends, then I flashed I was in the back of the car sick on the stomach, than I flashed being on the staircase. I woke up the next morning in bed wondering “How did I get home?” “Is my car outside?” “Oh Lord, did somebody steal my car?” I ran to the window despite my pounding headache and looked for my car. It was there. My girlfriend drove me home and parked the car. I don’t even know how she got home. That was the end of drunken nights for me.

For a while, I was at the night club 4 nights per week. Sometimes until 5am. My friends and I were so well known; when we showed up we were escorted past the crowd and into the club. All this while working and going to college. I never missed a beat. All of my obligations were met. When I was dancing on that club floor where nobody knew me, everything was alright. Dropping it like its hot had a way of making you feel sexy, desirable and in control all at the same time. Gambling became a big part of my life at this point too. I loved the lottery and Atlantic City. I would cuss the counter lady out if my lottery ticket numbers were printed wrong. Of course I rarely won, but it was the rush of chance taking. I also developed a violent streak. I busted a few people’s windows, flattened some tires, fought at the bar, and in the streets. My success became the target of great jealousy. It is always easier for individuals to try and destroy you than channel their energy into pursuing their own success.

Definitely nothing mattered when I had a good dude in my life. (Or so I thought). Looking back, how in the world could I define a good man? I had no clue. I should’ve gotten some insight. (WarHorse) Having a man should not been the ruling factor in my life, but it was for a long time. If I had a man I was happy. If I didn’t have one, I felt like I was searching for something. That meant my worth and value was driven by validation from the opposite sex. That’s beyond dangerous. That can cripple your success quick! Along with the men came the problems. Not that the fellows were wrong. The choices and consequences of my actions fell solely to me. But I opened the door for drama to come in and it did. Like a Mack truck! I never lacked dates. I was very popular with men. My interest was usually in older men. Younger guys weren’t attractive to me. I think that had a lot to do with being a parent.

I met Renard at a convention. Good looking, sharp, and a visionary. He could tell that I had low self-esteem. We dated, but it went from dating to him showing up whenever he wanted something. (Warmonger) A few dollars, borrow the car, always something. He would take my car and be gone for hours. And then he had the nerve not answer his cell phone when I called. Now I’m at home with children, and he’s out with my car gone! One time he brought it back with a flat tire. He fixed the tire, but I wondered where had he been driving that would flatten my tire? He had to go. When I made a decision and said no to anything he asked for, he disappeared. That situation showed me that the power to change my life was going to come from the inside; not the outside.

Drug dealers were not off my list. I had it real bad for hood boys. A real hoodboy, not the fake ones. (Fantasia and MC Lyte helped us out with that.) The ones with the swagger, managing his money right, always respectful, never abusive, love kids, always clean…..but dangerous. On the outside, I guess one would wonder what would make a person like somebody doing something illegal. Well, like anybody else there are more aspects to a person’s life than just street life. (Some guys anyway.) It’s like they’re two people, the coldblooded drug dealer and the normal guy. Not all of them are on the street. Either way, it’s a risky, draining circumstance. I dated “John” knowing about his past. It was supposed to be his past. He had been to prison and had the body to show for it. I had to ask God for forgiveness every time he came over. Great personality, charming, romantic, athletic, never broke, and best of all no kids. We started dating and had a great time together. He was so compassionate. My son got sick one night and vomited all over the floor. I was so tired that day. He got down on the floor and cleaned that mess up just like my son was his. John acted like the man of the house. But the call of the streets was louder than the call to pursue something legal to make it a reality. He hid it from me for a while, but eventually I found out he was back to his old ways. They’ll do that. They know it’s hard for women to leave them once feelings are involved. We had countless conversations about his street life. Then I would look at him, and give him another chance. He would make more excuses; I would look at him, and give him another chance. Next thing you know, chances have turned into years. Years mean there’s time invested now. Your lives are intertwined. Hoping that they’ll change is what’s keeping it going. Well it didn’t. Drama…probation officer, bail money, home arrest, and finally re-arrest. I was drained for years over a relationship that I should’ve walked away from long ago. It was 10 years of love, anger, resentment, and pain.

Another bright Sunday morning, I was sitting in church service and met the nicest guy. We talked after service and exchanged phone numbers. He took me out and we had a good time. He had a secret life. Guess what? Yup, another drug dealer. One of the most dangerous kind. That’s all I can say about that. Thank God I’m free.

I even had a couple of trips down to the prison. You know, when someone is coming home soon, they always looking for a “good woman”. I must admit, there were some honeys in there. But what I failed to realize was there was a reason why they were behind prison bars. Don’t get me wrong. People deserve second chances. I was just in no position to be involved with someone with large life issues. It’s seems to be popular these days to “hold the fort down” while your man is in prison for illegal activities. Ladies, before you sing the songs, make sure you know the true price to be paid. Your time is valuable. Songs sound good, but they don’t tell the entire story.

One good thing came out of it all, I learned from it. I didn’t repeat the cycle. I accepted responsibility for my stupidity and didn’t point the finger at someone else. As I got older, I kept accepting responsibility and accepting accountability. That’s called maturing.

&

“You can do better once a caring person takes the covers off, AND the comforter AND the pillow cases.”

Katrina Robinson

Revolutionary

War

After working my clerical job for a while, and seeing the lifestyles of other professionals, the light bulb came on. I’m a professional now. “Everybody doesn’t live like this” I thought. I started listening to their conversations and watching their lifestyles. It was a totally new exposure for me. People were saving money, buying property, taking their children on vacation, and wearing classy suits. They were living on career and education tracks. Nobody was wild, and making crazy choices. People were living by personal plans and budgets.

Time to learn the rules of professionalism. All the jobs I had prior to the college didn’t really require office etiquette or workplace attire. I messed up real bad in the beginning. Transitioning from the welfare rolls into the workplace took some adjusting. I couldn’t wear my spandex pants, tank tops, or toe out sandals. This job required me to sit outside offices in public view. I represented the company, not myself. I had to learn that the phone

UGLY is not a bad word…

U.

G. otta

L. ove

Y. ourself

Katrina Robinson

Being called “ugly” hurts. It does make one want to change their appearance to stop mean words from coming in their direction. But we live in a real world. Somebody somewhere will always have something negative to say, even if it has nothing to do with looks. We cannot escape criticism. Someone will always occupy the seat of jealousy and hate. Expect to get your feelings to be hurt. The key is, knowing the person who said it may have their own doses of negativity to process. It has nothing to do with you.

Their comments have an assignment. They were spoken with the intent to harm and intimidate. The ultimate goal is to steal potential. A negative self-image will do it every time. I can’t tell you the number of people that hold important positions, have influence and money, but still carry a negative self-image. It is evident when they exhibit cruel behavior towards others. Most often, they look down on individuals valuing them based on political or economic status; not on character. Don’t let someone else’s measurement of your value occupy your mind. That is out of your control. Don’t carry anybody else’s burdens.

Negative people don’t want to see you happy or empowered. Miserable people, who see themselves as worthless, love company. Tearing a person down is easier than pushing them to fly!

“EVERYTHING is ALWAYS up for grabs.”

Katrina Robinson

You’ll

Never Be

Nothing

The next time someone says that to you respond with all boldness, “That’s a lie.” They may look at you funny, but say it again so they know you mean it. Then put it behind you. The person speaking knows assuredly they have no clue what your future holds. Treat them like they don’t! Seize the opportunity to stop negativity in its tracks. People who say those things need help that you cannot give. They obviously have low regard for your feelings, personal value and desires. Understand that. They are speaking from a realm that they have no knowledge of….your future. See it for what it is.. a WAR tactic to steal hope.

In an abusive environment, such things are said repeatedly. They are often spoken in anger. A means of attack, deliberately aimed directly for the mind and the heart. Guard against it. If it’s not being said, it is expressed in action. We can tell when someone doesn’t have our best interest at heart. We can tell when they are anticipating our failure. They’ll mock our dreams behind our backs. They’ll pounce on brilliant ideas with negativity. Pessimism will rule the atmosphere. Future goals and plans shared with them will be ignored. Other derogatory comments may come out like “you’re crazy”, “what an imagination”, “there ain’t no way”, or “don’t come crawling back to me when you fail.” These are seeds of fear. You can’t afford to absorb junk into your emotional system! Those words and attitudes are full of poison. Would you drink a poisonous drink if you knew it would kill you? Certainly not. Then treat negative words with the same tenacity and attitude. Don’t adopt a negative perspective about the future. The battle for a long, fulfilling life is already over if hope and belief is surrendered.

Hearing this as a child can be painful and lingering. Hearing it for the first time at any age can be shocking. It may leave you wondering, “Is that really how they feel about me? Was it something I did? Is there any truth to it? I thought I was O.K..”

People have all kinds of motives for doing and saying negative things. Some people hate themselves so much; their mission in life is to make other people miserable. Unfortunately, they really don’t see anything wrong with that. They rationalize it as expressing their opinion. Or maybe “just trying to give you a dose of reality.” Well, when it comes to negativity, you have the right to ask them not to. Self-esteem, self-respect, and confidence are not tangible. They are intangible; housed among your mental and emotional faculties. But they can still be damaged parallel to being shot, stabbed, or clobbered. If somebody attacked you physically, I’m quite sure you would defend yourself to the fullest. The same is with negativity. Defend and fight diligently. DON’T NEGOTIATE WITH NEGATIVITY. NEGATE IT!

Some of you have been deemed stagnant because of family history. People are convinced of another’s ability to advance based on bloodline. “Just because momma and daddy were alcoholics, doesn’t mean I’ll be one. Just because everyone in my family lived in poverty, doesn’t mean I will. All of my cousins use drugs, but I am an exception to the rule.” Nobody is subject to live in a cycle if they choose not to. CHOICE has power in it. It steers the future, empowers to succeed, and defends against interference.

“If you make them sick, they probably already were.”

Katrina Robinson

You Make

Me Sick

Within the context of being made sick outside of a physical condition, one shouldn’t be made to feel like a walking sickness. In other words, being told “you make me sick” implies that the mere sight of or dealing with you brings a repulsive feeling. It can’t feel good for that to be part of your identity. Especially when it’s driven by another person’s anger, jealous rage, or bouts of self-deception. For example, kids being told they “make someone sick” because they are “just like their father/mother”. Well, if two people come together and have a child, the child will have traits of one or both of the parents. It’s a little unfair to view them as “sickening” for being what was produced genetically. The child had no control over that.

I made my mother sick because of her own personal notions of my having sexual feelings toward my father. Although he was abusive to my mother, he treated me like a normal dad should. He never did or said anything perverted to me. I was his daughter. (And he didn’t mind handing out discipline). On more than one occasion, she accused me of trying to be with him or gain his attention in the wrong way. That’s an example of self-deception. A person is not concerned about the truth, they have adopted their own. Don’t bother trying to having discussions or “set the record straight”. There’s no telling what the root of their accusations are. Sickness is complete denial of the truth, refusal to hear the truth, and refusal to accept it. Down the road, do you know we confronted her mother-in-law for accusing her of the same thing? She accused my mother of having feelings for her husband. It angered my mother so much, she took me to grandma’s house with her to confront her. My grandmother made the accusation, in person, right in front of me. They argued a short time, but we left before it got out of control. What a vicious cycle of lies! My mother never made the correlation between how she treated me and how she was treated. Maybe she was blinded by all the pain and disappointment of life.

If you are around people whom you make sick, the best thing to do is get away. Usually “you make me sick” comes from someone close. Yes, even husband and wives hear this phrase from the very person who made personal vows and crawl into bed with them at night. The person who said it knows your personality and they’ve made a determination; you repulse them. It doesn’t matter what the reason is. Just look for the quickest exit out of their presence. Every person will not feel that way about you. It’s easy to get stuck on the “who” instead of “what what said.” If we focus on the "who", we nurse the pain. But if we focus on “what was said”, we can start moving toward breaking away. There are options. We can decide to rid our space of negative people, no matter who it is. I’m famous for deleting phone numbers. No need to carry dead weight. I severed a few relationships on Facebook too.

“You are……………. THE ONE.”

Katrina Robinson

The

Matrix

The MATRIX is a metaphor for choice. A choice to live in the shadow of the past, or in a hope filled future. Two worlds. Two pills. One choice. The first pill returns one to the world with which they are familiar. The mundane, the regular, the predictable. The other leads to a new life, or “the truth.” A life in the realm of the unseen. That realm is unfamiliar, and undiscovered; but made available by a team of people prepared to assist. A war is on and you have been invited…as the guest of honor. It is a war between “truth” and “lies”, between “reality” and “deception.”

This movie was prolific to me. The characters are in an ongoing war. They cohesively work together to fight a war against machines. They are familiar with each others’ strengths, weaknesses and capabilities. There is a leader, a main ship, and a common goal; to end the war. The movie is centered around the main character “NEO.” A regular guy with a 9 to 5, who does a lot of illegal things with his computer. On the outside, he doesn’t look out of the ordinary. His life doesn’t resemble the path of one destined to save countless lives. But as the movie reveals, there’s much more to him than meets the eye.

Morpheus. What tenacity it takes to lead a group of people in an ongoing war, upon a boring ship, with nasty food, and yet keep everyone motivated. His main job was to locate NEO. To find the one who could ultimately end the war. Morpheus’ leadership in the movie was effective and consistent. He communicated with NEO and convinced him to take a chance on destiny. He saw more in NEO than the other team members; and more than NEO saw in himself. Morpheus’ attitude was not one of jealousy or envy; although he could see this “new convert” was much more gifted than himself. As the training progressed, he could see NEO’S potential went beyond what he had imagined. He never gave one thought to destroying, crippling, manipulating, or controlling him. His mind was focused on the ultimate goal; not people’s opinion, or his personal desires. Quite the opposite. He worked overtime challenging NEO. Fighting him to see how much he had learned. Feeding him knowledge, teaching him all that he had learned through the years, and risking his own life to save him when necessary. Although he was not as gifted as NEO, it didn’t diminish his role as leader. He understood that, so did the team, and so did NEO. They all depended on him just as much as they did in the beginning. (Where would our society be if we could find committed, integral parents and leadership for more of our youth?)

Trinity. Although she took a special interest in NEO, her position was much like a warden. She kept him informed of pitfalls. She kept watch over his training, meals, and even his sleep. Day to day she revealed more about the matrix, answered his questions, and supported the decisions of the leader. Because the leader was integral, she was able to support every decision without doubting. She knew Morpheus was not selfish and did not harbor ulterior motives. She was courageous and risked her life often for the greater good.

The Traitor. There was one on board who decided that their personal interest were more important than everyone else’s. The ultimate goal of ending the war evaded his mind. Part of Cyphers’ betrayal was fueled by jealousy. He was jealous of NEO’s abilities, and played mind games with him when he got the opportunity. He also hated that NEO drew Trinity’s love, and meant to do something about it. That is envy. In his envy and jealousy, he became blind. Blind to the fact that he would never strike a legitimate deal with agents. They were deceitful and said anything to get information about the resistance leaders. He was also blind to the fact that having “the one” on board, already meant the team would prevail in the end. Ultimately, he endangered all their lives, exposed the resistance, and still failed to get what he wanted.

The Oracle. The oracle needed to be consulted at important times. They knew when to go, and she knew when they were coming. Nobody knew what she would say, but she already knew what they were thinking. Her role was to develop a relationship with NEO, and help him bridge the gaps in understanding his assignment. She had been around a long time. Her speech was in riddles, but NEO unraveled them when the time came.

Agents. Agents were the aggressive opposition of the rebels. They often looked like regular people, but quickly transformed into men wearing black suits, sunglasses, and showing extraordinary strength. They carried high powered weapons and had a leader who initiated the fights. He had a special name for NEO; “Mr. Anderson”. There was a reason for that. It was a constant reminder to NEO of the world he came from. I guess it was their way of keeping him “looking in the rearview mirror.” The agent leader was jealous of NEO’s capabilities, and their battles drove his ambition.

Machines. The machines had one goal. Take over. To completely destroy everything. They were the basis of what the entire war was about.

NEO. So powerful. So unknowingly powerful. He never discovered his capabilities until he first made a decision to let go of the past. To abandon everything he already knew. A good leader drew that choice out of him. He knew NEO was curious and ready to discover more about what he was sensing inside. In the beginning, NEO was lost, totally dependent upon the team to take care of him. He humbled himself and took the advice of those around him. He took the teaching and training willingly. As time progressed, he kept trying do little things to get his “powers” to work. He didn’t learn right away, so his conviction was he wasn’t “the one.” Not only was he convinced, he tried to convince the team that he wasn’t “the one.” The traitor’s comments to him sure didn’t help build his confidence any. NEO handled the negativity strangely. It was like he heard it, but he didn’t quit. It went in one ear and right out the other. He didn’t take the traitor’s word for gospel truth.

Although he had a special interest in Trinity, he admired her courage most. It was her words to him in the end that gave him the confidence to believe he was “the one.” It wasn’t until he was confronted by agents, with his back up against the wall and nowhere to run that he was forced to believe. There was nothing else he could do. When he began to believe that he was extraordinary, empowered, and able to conquer his enemies, look at what happened. All kinds of power and capabilities emerged; dodging bullets, moving at the speed of the light, embodying agents, and flying. The agents became afraid of what he had become. He was their worst nightmare. Their ability to intimidate and control him was over. He was able to maneuver so much in the matrix, the filmmakers had to make a second movie to display more of his abilities!

There is a parallel between this movie and winning the War for Your Dreams. It’s the battle to abandon the past and embrace the totality of who one can become. We may look regular on the outside; but because of our mental capacity, we can do extraordinary things. Initially, there has to be a decision to not let the past rule the present or the future. This effort takes hard work every day. If it didn’t, everyone would be living fulfilled lives. Nobody would die never giving their innermost desires attention. Every time we are faced with a choice, there is a war for our future and mental position. It takes courage to take that pill!

Trinity said three words to bring NEO out of a trance, “NOW GET UP.” Motivators operate that way. They can say the right thing at the right time and change the course of our lives. Neo had no problem listening. Mentorship is not just important, it is key. Accountability is a must for bringing order and healing into the picture. We must be humble enough to listen and practice.

EXCERPT 2

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POTENTIAL

\pe-‘ten-chel\ adj

1

existing in possibility, capable

of development into

actuality

2

something that can develop

or become actual

OUR LAST CHAT

In the last edition, we had a long talk about dating, waiting, finances, sexual choices, and the ultimate effect they have on your career goals. That was in 2004. Well it’s about 7 years later and my advice to you has not changed much. The same life principles still apply for a quality, productive life. There is no getting around discipline. There is no getting around “saying no”. Saying no to excessive spending, wrong influences, and toxic relationships. There is no getting around future planning. I’m just giving it to you straight, so buckle your seatbelt.

Dating is still dating. You know. Trying on a shoe to see if it fits. The problem is that many start wearing the shoe BEFORE it is clear whether the shoe fits, or not. That’s a major problem. Wearing the shoe prematurely opens the door for unprotected sex, unplanned pregnancy, addictions, and simple love for a person that won’t contribute positive things in your life. This means a standard must be in place to measure if a shoe fits right. You must measure a person’s ability to fit into your life up against something.

Waiting is still waiting. Adding up the cost of walking away in the beginning is key. The strength to do that comes from the inside. It can be hard. Especially when there are things you like in a person, while you see other things that are on the NON-COMPROMISE list. And if you decide to marry them…oh my goodness. Well, you’ll have to deal with those known problems. I tell my

Chapter Two

MONEY

TALKS

COMMON SOURCES OF DEBT

The road to financial stability includes examining spending habits. Owing money to companies for clothes, shoes, and electronics is not wise. Clothes, shoes, and electronics do not earn interest nor have a resale value. Eventually, the clothes go out of style, the shoes wear out and the electronics become outdated. Even financed trips, and vacations taken at the wrong time can cost you years of worrying about repayment.

Here are some common sources of debt accumulation. Much of the debt could’ve been avoided if the shopper would wait, save some cash, or pass up buying unnecessary items.

Rental Stores. Renting furniture, TV’s, appliances waste money. By the time the entire rental agreement is paid, the buyer has paid 2-3 times what the items are worth. And what happens if some payments are missed? The items are repossessed and all the money invested is lost. The rental store can re-rent the items to another individual and collect fees.

Please Note: After items have been rented a few times, they are sometimes sold wholesale for cash. Save money, then visit a rental store and ask to see their wholesale items.

A simple strategy is to save the money that would be paid weekly on a rented television, and pay cash for one. If you really can’t afford a big screen television, don’t buy one. Trying to impress people isn’t worth being in debt. If you can’t afford furniture, put pillows on the floor and call it China Town!

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