Responsible Divorce
Advice
A collaborative work by
Responsible Divorce Network
© 2006 All rights reserved.
All articles are the property of their respective authors.
Published by Proactive Change - New York, NY
Smashwords Edition
Contributors / Responsible Divorce Network:
Jann Blackstone-Ford
Thalia Ferenc
Anju D. Jessani
Sharyl Jupe
Rob Kaufman
Kevin M. Kilcommons
Barbara Paynter
Susan Pease
Pamela H. Simon
Margot Swann
Karen Winter
Jeff Zimmerman
Edited by Serge Prengel
- The “Responsible Divorce” Pledge
- “I Wish My Parents Would Just Be Friends”: Is It Really So Hard?
- Children’s Rights: Georgia Court
- Children’s Rights: Ann Landers
Defining the Responsible Divorce
- “There Is No Such thing as a Responsible Divorce”
- Top Misguided Reasons to Stay in a Bad Marriage
- “Divorce Can Be Responsible”
- A Personal Experience of Responsible Divorce (Gale)
- Child Custody, Child Support and Parenting
- Collaborative Law and Arbitration
- Ten Common Mistakes and Oversights in Divorce Agreements (Related to the Children)
- The Marital Home and Equitable Distribution
- Considering Divorce? The 5 Financial Areas You Need to Think About Now
- Re-creating Families After Divorce
About the authors / Articles listed by Author
Introduction
The "responsible divorce" we advocate is about balance.
We recognize that there are conflicting needs, and we do our best to balance them:
- Quite obviously, there is a need for separation; divorced people cannot continue to act as a married couple; they need to rebuild their lives as separate individuals.
- On the other hand, both parties have some common goals. At the very least, these common goals include making the divorce more gentle on themselves, keeping their own dignity, saving the money that could easily be wasted in a high-conflict divorce...
When there are children involved, there is even more of a common goal: continuing to parent the children. The parents divorce each other and lead separate lives, but they remain parents of the same children. It works best for the children when the parents find a way to cooperate with each other, starting with the divorce process itself.
The "Responsible Divorce" Pledge
In the paragraph after next (in italics): The pledge we suggest you make as you go through your separation and divorce. It is written as “we” because, ideally, both you and your ex would agree to it.
If your ex doesn’t, you can still see this pledge as a reminder to do what you can to avoid contributing to the spiral of ever-growing strife that characterizes the adversarial divorce.
We know that the kind of divorce where parents fight it out to "win the divorce" has bitter, destructive results. Children are deeply affected.
We acknowledge that, even as we break up, we still have a very important common goal: taking good care of the children.
We view our divorce as a transition: from being part of a couple, to leading separate lives. We pledge to make this transition in a humane and responsible way, so that separating does not jeopardize our common goal.
Children and divorce
Whether or not your children say it or show it, you can be sure they are deeply affected by the divorce and the struggles around it.
Children usually feel a lot of pain and inner conflict during and after divorce. They often feel responsible for the break-up of the marriage - even more so when they see that so much of the fighting is about them: child custody, visitation, child support.
Children would love nothing better than to be loyal to both parents. Unfortunately, in many adversarial divorces, they feel a lot of pressure to side with one parent or another.
Contents of this section:
- “I wish my parents would just be friends”: Is it really so hard?
- Children’s rights: Georgia court
- Children’s rights: Ann Landers
“I wish my parents would just be friends” Is it really so hard?
By Jeff Zimmerman, Ph.D.
In many divorces the end of one’s relationship as spouses also signals the end of one’s relationship as parents. Children are caught in loyalty conflicts as they love two people (their parents) who are enemies of one another. This causes the children to feel anxious, depressed, and/or angry. It can cause them to keep secrets from one or both parents and in more severe circumstances cause them to feel like they have to “pick a side” and align with one parent so at least they are not caught in the middle. In our offices, children will often tell us that while they understand their parents will not get back together, “I wish my parents would just be friends.”
Parents often tell us how while they themselves are willing to get along with the other parent, it is the other parent’s fault that the relationship is not better. They will give us countless examples of how they have been hurt before, how the other parent clearly isn’t willing, and of how they have been told the other parent is “toxic” and they should have as little to do with them as possible. In short, they say, “It’s just too hard and it just won’t work.” But, is it really to hard? Maybe it just can work.