Prescription for a Happy Marriage
by Jennifer Stewart
Published by Jennifer Stewart at Smashwords
Visit the author's website at http://www.write101.com
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Copyright 2010 Jennifer Stewart
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
How can we have a happy marriage in spite of the stress of our hectic lifestyle?
You don't have to be a divorce statistic – you CAN have a happy marriage! The demands of modern life can destroy your marriage if you don't learn to overcome the stresses and frustrations. Learn how to make your marriage a happy one from someone who has been happily married for over more than 40 years ... to the same person!
MARRIED COUPLES – AN ENDANGERED SPECIES?
Every Year Thousands of Couples Head for the Divorce Courts
Reasons for Spiraling Divorce Rate
HECTIC LIFESTYLE LEAVES LITTLE TIME FOR EACH OTHER
Too Many Demands on Your Time
Are You Stressed?
What Is Stress?
Responding to the Pressure
Relaxation Techniques
Relax Together
Laughter Is the Best Medicine
The Early Morning Cuppa
The Importance of Ritual
Getting Up
The Radio Is Your Best Friend
Lasting Benefits
Other Rituals
Some Important Questions
The Importance of Communication
What Are the Top 10 Strengths of a Happy Marriage?
A Place for Everything
Three "House Rules"
Keys? Keys? Who's Hidden the Keys?
Who's Going Where, When?
Don't Sweat the Little Things
THE FAMILY THAT EATS TOGETHER, STAYS TOGETHER
Reclaim the Night!
Ban the Box
THE IMPORTANCE OF A SHARED VISION
MARRIED COUPLES – AN ENDANGERED SPECIES?
When you walk down the aisle with your partner, your eyes are shining, your heart is pounding, and your head is spinning. You're anticipating a lifetime together and yet the National Center for Health Statistics and the US Census Bureau show that 43 percent of new marriages are likely to end in divorce!
Every Year Thousands of Couples Head for the Divorce Courts
The current trend is for couples to rush to make prenuptial agreements, dividing the spoils of the marriage before it's even begun.
Since the 1970s, divorce has been on the rise, though it levelled off during the 1990s. In 1998, there were 8,331,000 men and 11,093,000 women in the United States who had been divorced.
Reasons for Spiraling Divorce Rate
One factor contributing to this breakdown in relationships is the greater stress caused by uncertainty about job security, financial worries, political instability, and all the stresses of modern life. Constant worry about money, fear of losing a job, and continual pressure to devote more and more time to work can leave a marriage stretched to the breaking point.
It's no coincidence that the age when most divorces occur is also the age when couples are beset by other concerns such as establishing a career, raising and educating children, and paying off a mortgage.
HECTIC LIFESTYLE LEAVES LITTLE TIME FOR EACH OTHER
Even if you feel relatively secure financially, living in the first years of the 21st century creates pressures unknown even a decade ago.
Too Many Demands on Your Time
You're now expected to be available to the whole world – 24 hours a day – via the Internet, mobile phones, answering machines, and laptop computers.
One of you always seems to be working late or bringing work home; you feel obligated to give your children all the opportunities their friends have so you ferry them to music lessons, sports training, and the movies with their pals. As a modern couple, you also have your individual sport or hobby commitments; you may be involved in volunteer work with a charity group or the children's school, coaching the basketball team or serving in the school cafeteria ... and so it goes. And that's not even taking into account running the house, the garden, the menagerie of pets – and then there are your family and friends!
It seems as if you never have time to draw breath, to slow down, to talk to each other.
Are You Stressed?
Do you recognize any of the following symptoms in yourself or your partner?
▪ A feeling of emotional and physical exhaustion
▪ A sense of alienation
▪ Cynicism
▪ Impatience
▪ Negativism
▪ Feelings of detachment
▪ Feeling tired even when having gotten adequate sleep
▪ Dissatisfaction with work
▪ Sadness for no apparent reason
▪ Forgetfulness
▪ Irritability and snapping at people
▪ Avoiding people at work and in private life
▪ Worrying about work and as a result having trouble sleeping
▪ Getting sick more often
▪ An attitude of "why bother?" about both work and home
▪ Getting into conflicts more often
▪ Job performance is not up to par
▪ Using alcohol and/or drugs to feel better
▪ Communicating with others is a strain
▪ Inability to concentrate on work like you once could
▪ Easily bored
▪ Working hard and longer but accomplish little
▪ Frustrated
▪ Don't like going to work
▪ Social activities are draining of energy you can't afford
▪ Sex is not worth the effort
▪ Watching TV or sleeping most of the time when not working
▪ Not having much to look forward to
▪ Worrying about work during off hours
These feelings indicate that you could be suffering from stress.
What Is Stress?
The first point to note is that stress is a natural physiological response to physical and/or emotional stimuli. Our bodies have evolved to cope with a moderate amount of stress. In a dangerous situation, the natural response is "flight" or "fight" – capillaries open up to provide a greater blood flow to muscles, and capillaries supplying organs that aren't essential to the physical action close.
Digestion ceases as breathing speeds up and the heart increases its rate and output, increasing blood pressure. Your body releases fats and sugars into the bloodstream to provide fuel to the muscles; cholesterol levels rise, and the blood composition changes to promote rapid clotting in case of injury.
A healthy body quickly returns to its normal state once the perceived danger has passed.
While our daily experiences are unlikely to include encounters with saber-toothed tigers, we're constantly presented with situations that we perceive as stressful, so our bodies produce the same physiological responses that prepare us for flight or fight.
Sooner or later our capability to respond efficiently becomes exhausted, leaving our bodies in a distressed condition. The thymus gland, which controls the body's immune system, becomes shrunken and ineffectual; the viscosity of the blood remains high, and oxygen delivery to the cells is reduced. This leaves the body susceptible to illness and disease.
Responding to the Pressure
While the causes of the resulting stress may be largely out of your hands, the way you react to it is completely up to you.
There's an old song that starts, "You always hurt the one you love," and sadly this is what usually happens in a marriage. When stress builds up in your life, you strike out at whoever is closest – your partner. And then the arguments start about who's at fault, about who did what, about who should've done what ...
Instead of dealing with stress in a constructive way, you let pressure build up in your life until you finally "blow your top."
HOW CAN STRESS BE RELIEVED?
A useful (but simple) analogy is to think of the body as a kettle of water on a hot plate. Put the lid on the kettle, light the fire, and steam builds up inside the kettle. Leave the lid on and the kettle blows its top, but release the pressure by letting some steam escape and the kettle can bubble away happily.
It doesn't matter whether the heat applied comes from an open fire, a gas burner, or an electric coil – it still creates heat that causes the kettle to boil. And it doesn't matter how you take the lid off – you can sing as you do it, you can do it with vigor, you can do it slowly ... as long as you do it!
So it is with stress – it can be caused by work, by relationships, by traffic, by the kids squabbling over TV programs, or by politicians – it's still stress. But by the same means, it doesn't matter how you go about relieving the stress, as long as the pressure is taken off your system. So you can exercise, laugh, meditate, practice yoga, tap-dance, or talk away your stress.
One proven method of releasing the physical symptoms of stress is through relaxation, so when you and your partner start to feel the tension building in your daily lives, you can try some of these simple techniques to release stress.
Relaxation Techniques
You know how your own body responds to stress – you might clench your jaw, hunch your neck and shoulders, frown, bite your lip, make your hands into fists, or whatever. Learn to recognize these outward signs of stress and practice relaxing that part of your body that is tense.
• Take a deep breath in and sigh it out – make a noise as you breathe out through your mouth. Do this three times and with each outward breath concentrate on relaxing those parts of your body that are tense.
• Most people find that tension shows itself in the jaw – make a deliberate point of letting your lower jaw drop and feel the difference.
• Roll your shoulders to release the tension in them and then drop them – don't hunch.
• Close your eyes for a second (only if it's safe to do this ... not recommended if you're driving a car at the time!). Rub the heels of your hands together to warm them and then press them gently against your closed eyes and feel the warmth relax your eyes. Try to visualize black velvet while your eyes are closed.
Relax Together
As well as knowing how your own body responds to stress, you also know how your partner reacts, so work out a system that lets you help each other. A gentle touch on the arm when you see the temperature rising is often enough to remind your partner that it's time to relax. If circumstances permit, a quick shoulder massage will work wonders.
You don't have to be a qualified masseur; the warmth from your hands and a gentle downward movement will ease tension away.
Laughter Is the Best Medicine
Not everyone is comfortable with too much physical contact (especially away from home) so you might prefer to use humor as a release mechanism. The Internet has made it possible for everyone to get access to a store of jokes to suit every possible taste! Visit the sites listed at the end of this report and keep a couple of jokes in reserve for emergencies when you see your partner get stressed.
Laughter is one of the quickest and most effective ways to break tension. If driving to work in heavy traffic is the cause of stress in your life, buy yourself a couple of funny CDs or tapes to listen to and laugh your way to work. You'll arrive in a great mood and will be relaxed and ready to face the day ahead.
Go to the library together and head straight to the humor shelves. Make it a habit to go to bed a bit earlier each night and read a chapter or two to each other – share the laughs.
The Early Morning Cuppa
Americans may have a cup of coffee, but whatever you call it, sharing this morning ritual is an excellent way to get your day off to the best possible start – if you can possibly manage it!
Set your alarm clock (or body clock) a half-hour earlier, so you can give yourselves time to spend together, uninterrupted. You now have the best part of the day to spend with the person you love!
The Importance of Ritual
Take turns being the one to get up and make the tea or coffee, and make it into an occasion by having special mugs or cups that you only use for this first cup of the day. Choose a special blend you only have in the morning – better still, make an herbal tea. Select something light and refreshing so that you'll have a spring in your step when you get up.
This is your time together – to chat about nothing in particular or to make your grand plans. Lying in bed, sipping your tea and knowing you don't have to fly out of bed as soon as your eyes open relaxes you without any effort on your part. You don't need to practice any special breathing techniques, because you'll be breathing slowly; you don't need to concentrate on relaxing different muscle groups – they're already relaxed.
Getting Up
Sometimes, you'll be so relaxed that you may be tempted to stay just a few minutes more.
Don't do it.
Don't spoil the mood you've created for yourselves by lying in bed too long and then having to rush through the morning. Your stress levels will go up and you'll be blaming each other for being late.
The Radio Is Your Best Friend
Turn on the radio when you wake up and make it part of your routine that you get up after a particular broadcast, such as after the 6:30 news or the 7:30 traffic report. It's always easier to have an external trigger like this – and it saves one of you from having to be the "bad guy" who decides it's time to get up.
Lasting Benefits
By easing yourself gently into your day, you avoid a great deal of stress. The extra time you've made not only allows you to spend extra precious time together but also relaxes you for the day ahead.
Whenever you feel yourself getting tense through the day, take a deep breath and remember how relaxed you felt lying in bed sipping your tea. Smile and try to recapture that actual physical feeling of relaxation and then smile again when you realize that you have that special time to look forward to again tomorrow!
Other Rituals
If your life just doesn't allow any time in the mornings, sit down together and find a time you can use to establish your own little ritual. Here are some ideas to get you thinking:
▪ A walk after dinner
▪ Coffee at night when everyone else is in bed
▪ Hot chocolate when you go to bed yourselves
▪ Doing some yoga exercises on weekend mornings
▪ Giving each other a massage once a week
▪ Brunch every Sunday at a cafe
▪ A picnic once a month at a favorite park
▪ A night out at the movies and supper afterwards once a week
▪ A trip to the local library together to get new books – make a point of telling each other about what you're reading
▪ A night-school course you do together – choose something new to both of you
▪ A game of tennis, squash, or ten-pin bowling
▪ Join a sports club together
▪ Learn to dance and go to regular dances
▪ Create a garden together and do the rounds of specialist nurseries to buy plants
▪ Adopt a worthy cause together – clean up the environment, plant trees, help at the local pound, coach children's sports teams, or work at the recycling stores
There are limitless possibilities – talk about what interests you both, explore new things together, and have fun. This is not the time for your solo pursuits or family events – this is time for the two of you to do something special – together.
LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH
However much you love each other, there will be times when you drive each other crazy – it's only human. When this happens, you need one other resource to draw on – you need a healthy sense of humor!
Learn to laugh together and learn to laugh at yourselves. It doesn't pay to take yourself too seriously; that can only end in tears.
Some Important Questions
To make your marriage work, you also need a sense of perspective – make it a habit when you're getting all worked up about something your partner has done (or failed to do) to pause and ask yourself these questions:
• Will what is happening to make me angry now matter in five years?
• Will it matter one year from now?
• Will it matter in six months?
• In a month?
• Will it matter next week?
• Tomorrow?
Chances are that the answer to most of these questions will be "not really." And the closer the time to when it doesn't matter, the less reason for you to get upset.
The Importance of Communication
Here's a little secret that may help explain why many marriages have problems ... are you ready?
"Human beings can't read minds."
That means if you're hurt, angry, disappointed, or anything else, you have to tell your partner. No one can read minds. Many of us can learn to recognize outward signs that most times reveal what's going on inside our partner's mind – most times.
Learn to talk to each other – as well as being your lover, this person should be your best friend. Everyone knows you can tell your best friend everything.
Don't hide your feelings – share your frustrations, your disillusionment, and your jealousy as well as your happiness, pride, and joy.
What Are the Top 10 Strengths of a Happy Marriage?
David Olson, Professor Emeritus at the University of Minnesota, surveyed over 21,000 married couples and found that communication is seen as the most important contributing factor to a happy marriage. These are the results of his findings about what makes couples happy with their marriages:
1. They are satisfied with their communication.
2. They are creative in handling differences.
3. They feel very close to each other.
4. Their partner is not controlling.
5. They discuss problems well.
6. They are satisfied with the affection they receive.
7. They have a good balance of time alone and time together.
8. Family or friends rarely interfere.
9. They agree on how to spend money.
10. They agree on spiritual beliefs.
Points listed under strong communication were that partners don't use put-downs, partners are good listeners, partners are easy to express feelings to, partners understand feelings, and partners are satisfied with how they talk together.
How to Make Time for Yourselves
It's easy to say that you have to communicate, but we've already seen there's not always enough time to do everything you need to squeeze into your day as it is. So how do you find more time?
You don't find it – you make it!
This is important, so you may have to steal time from some other activity to sit down together and work out how you can spend regular time together – just the two of you.
Here are some ways you can create time to talk:
• Switch off the TV – there's nothing on anyway!
• Choose a couple of nights a week and don't use the dishwasher. Remember how good it used to be to talk to your mom while you were helping with the dishes? You had her all to yourself and could tell her everything that had happened. Do this with your partner now – you can still spend a couple of nights washing up with your kids (and use the dishwasher for Big Nights).
• If you share the household chores, do things together – in the same room – instead of doing things separately.
• Get out in the garden and work together in the fresh air.
• Even if you're not overly interested in your partner's hobbies or sports, make a point of going along – you'll learn something new as well as have more time together.
• If you both work, try to organize your hours so you can travel part or all of the way together. Unless you work in opposite directions, you might be able to start early or stay back late some days.
• Make a date to meet for lunch on workdays – if you work and live close to each other, this is a great way to have time together.
Look at your lives and you'll find precious hours you can spend with each other.
THE IMPORTANCE OF PLANNING
Living cheek-to-cheek with another person creates tensions that can sometimes be out of all proportion to their real cause. Ask anyone what causes the most frustration in a relationship, and you'll hear that it's the "little things."
Squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube, leaving cupboard doors open, hanging underwear on the shower rail, not putting the milk back in the fridge – these are the things that drive us to despair!
A Place for Everything
This is where communication plays such a vital role – tell your partner you hate seeing clothes left lying on the floor, half-eaten meals wasted, or faucets left dripping. Don't just assume people know this – especially when you're the one who goes around, martyr-like, picking up clothes, and turning off faucets.
Talk about the problem the first time it happens – explain your feelings, laugh about your irrational need to be neat, and work out ways to deal with this before it consumes your every waking moment.
Three "House Rules"
Use these for every member of the family and avoid fights!
Rule 1. If you take it out, put it away.
Rule 2. If you dirty it, wash it.
Rule 3. If you finish it all, replace it.
Keys? Keys? Who's Hidden the Keys?
For such tiny items, these cause a disproportionate amount of trouble – so set up a key rack near the door where everyone can leave keys in one spot. If you can't hang them on the wall, put a box or tray on a table or cupboard and make it a habit to put keys here as soon as you walk in the door.
Who's Going Where, When?
Set up a bulletin board in the kitchen or family area and get used to leaving notes about who's going where, with whom, and when. Pin up notes about errands that have to be run and whose turn it is to run them. That way, you avoid all those silly arguments over who was supposed to pick up dry-cleaning, take the dog to the vet, get milk on the way home from work ...
Don't Sweat the Little Things
These strategies are all designed to remove the frustration caused by little things – you'll be able to think of plenty of ways to deal with your own special problem areas. Confront these before they grow into those huge problems that lead to constant bickering and fighting.
THE FAMILY THAT EATS TOGETHER, STAYS TOGETHER
Once upon a time, all families sat down at a table and ate their meals together. They talked about what had happened during the day; they shared successes and failures; they congratulated each other and commiserated. They laughed and got to know each other. Children were taught good manners simply by observing their parents, and they learned to eat and enjoy a variety of foods because that was what their parents did.
But then came television, videos, long working hours, and convenience foods, and many families lost that special time together.
Reclaim the Night!
There's no reason why you can't return to these good habits. It doesn't take much more time or effort to put a tablecloth on a table than it does to carry a meal into the living room and put it on a coffee table in front of the television.
Ban the Box
Turn the television off, put on some music or the radio, and talk to your family. Get to know them while sharing your mealtimes together. When your children are happy and content, much of the tension goes out of a marriage, and if you don't have children sharing your home, this is more time you can spend talking to each other.
THE IMPORTANCE OF A SHARED VISION
One of the great things about being married is having another person to share your life with, and that means having a shared future.
Some of the best times are the sitting-on-veranda times, talking about what you'd like to do. It might be planning a vacation, a trip to the store, decorating a part of your house, or thinking of names for your as-yet-unborn children and planning spectacularly successful futures for them.
Whether your plans are pie-in-the-sky dreams or serious attempts to organize your future, talking about them together is important. To live your lives together, you must anticipate a future together.
There will be times when you differ on the direction you want to take; this is the time to explore different paths together – don't head off separately. If one wants to retire to a little place in the country and the other wants an apartment in the city, the time to discuss it is before you move and one of you is miserable.
You chose this person to share your life with – out of all those other millions of possible partners – and you owe it to each other to do everything in your power to be happy.
THE LAST WORD
Marriage is a commitment to another person – for life, not just until things get a bit difficult. A happy marriage makes waking up every day a pleasure, because you know that whatever happens, you have someone to share it with you; you know that there's someone who loves you and someone for you to love. And it doesn't get much better than that!
RESOURCES ON THE INTERNET
Contains many great hints and tips, plus a simple 20-minute relaxation routine
http://www.familymanagement.com
Japan Guide
The Japanese tea ceremony – an example of a wonderful ritual
http://www.japan-guide.com/e/e2096.html
Las Vegas Review Journal
The secret to some long and happy marriages
http://www.lvrj.com/lvrj_home/2001/Feb-13-Tue-2001/living/15387119.html
LotsofJokes.com
Jokes for all occasions and tastes
New Mexico Critical Incident Stress Management Team
Ways to help cope with stress
http://www.health.state.nm.us/bhsd/stress.htm
Personal Power Coach
Top 10 ways to deal with stress – click on the "panic/anxiety" link
http://www.personalpowercoach.com
Teachable Moments
The benefits of humor. Click on the "humor studies" link
http://www.teachablemoments.com
TeaHyakka Magazine
Information on the tea ceremony
http://www.teahyakka.com/E.html
University of Pittsburgh
More tips for managing your stress
http://www.pitt.edu/~studhlth/studenthealthed_wbpage/Stress_Management/stress/Managing_Stress.html
USA Today
Course introduced in Florida schools to try to improve relationships
http://www.smartmarriages.com/usatodayschools.html
Virtual Bookcase
Lots of humorous books
http://www.virtualbookcase.com/humor-4.html
RESOURCES IN THE LIBRARY
Doherty, William J. TAKE BACK YOUR MARRIAGE: STICKING TOGETHER IN A WORLD THAT PULLS US APART. San Francisco, CA: Guilford Publications, 2001.
Markman, Howard J. FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE: PREVENTING DIVORCE & PRESERVING A LASTING LOVE. New York, NY: Wiley, 2001.
Silver, Nan and John Gottman. WHY MARRIAGES SUCCEED OR FAIL: AND HOW YOU CAN MAKE YOURS LAST. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster Trade, 1995.
Simring, Steven and Sue Klavan Simring. MAKING MARRIAGE WORK FOR DUMMIES. New York, NY: Hungry Minds, 1999.
Wallerstein, Judith, Sandra Blakeslee. THE GOOD MARRIAGE. Boston, MA: Houghton Mifflin Co., 1995.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jennifer Stewart has had a 20-year career in education and has been a freelance writer since leaving the education system to establish her own writing business at http://www.write101.com.
She and her husband have been happily married (to each other) for over 40 years and have two adult children.
Connect with me online:
Blog: http://www.write101.blogspot.com
Twitter: http://twitter.com/jferstewart
(Cover art courtesy Clker.com)
Disclaimer
This ebook is provided for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice. Although I have made every effort to ensure the accuracy of the information, experts sometimes disagree, knowledge advances, and individual situations and circumstances differ. Consult qualified professionals for advice relating to your personal situation.
Recommended Web sites were active and contained valuable content at the time of publication of this e-book. However, changes occur quickly and frequently on the Internet.