ENOUGH WITH THE SOCKS, ALREADY! 113 AWESOME CHRISTMAS GIFT IDEAS FOR DAD
WRITTEN BY
KLARK B. KRINGLE
As always, this book is dedicated to my three sons, “M”, “C” and “B”; they are…and always will be…the most important people in my life.
ENOUGH WITH THE SOCKS, ALREADY! 113 AWESOME CHRISTMAS GIFT IDEAS FOR DAD
Dads fear Christmas. Why? Part of the fear may come from the inevitable, MASSIVE seasonal depletion of their bank accounts or it may just be their lack of confidence in holiday shopping and getting something their wife or kids may actually enjoy.
The other things that may cause Dad to break-out into a rash or hives during the month of December are the impending visits of the beloved in-laws, the hanging of the family’s outdoor Christmas lights, being forced by “loved ones” to sing Christmas carols around the neighborhood, the migraine-inducing activity that is decorating the Christmas tree or the inevitable ring-of-the-doorbell 10 times per evening from November 30th until December 25th, complete with flimsy paper plates full of cookies, hand-me-down fruitcake, tooth-rotting-and-chipping peanut brittle and the G-d forsaken treat that contradicts the very meaning of its heavenly nomenclature, “divinity”.
But do you want to know why Dad REALLY fears the Christmas season?
He knows he’s going to have to feign a smile-of-appreciation after opening 95% of his gifts on Christmas Day.
Smiling after opening the new TABASCO tie Aunt Jessica gave him...courtesy of the local thrift store.
Smiling after getting his 5th coffee mug of the season that says “World’s Greatest Dad” or a fabulous, polyester souvenir that declares, “My Kids Went to the Bahamas and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt”.
The fact that HE paid for their little vacation makes the gift all-the-more-humiliating to him...and yet he lightly chuckles and SMILES.
Smiles because it’s better than CRYING!
Smiling after getting a pair of jeans from his wife that not only boldly declare “CLEARANCE” on the price tag but also that are 6 sizes too small just so his honey can then cleverly say, “Well, you’ll REALLY be able to enjoy them when you shed some of that spare tire you’ve accumulated throughout our marriage!”
Smiling at the “brand new” screwdriver kit that will soon take its place in the garage next to the other 10 kits he’s received since his first anniversary of marriage.
Smiling at the very offensive Hickory Farms “log-of-love” (either in MEAT or CHEESE form) that surprisingly snuck its way into his stocking on yet another Christmas morning.
Smiling at every succeeding gift and every succeeding not-so-veiled insult about how much weight he’s gained, how lousy he dresses, how much hair he’s lost and how much poorer he is than every other Dad/husband in the neighborhood.
And finally...smiling at the 15 pairs of SOCKS (none of which are white in color) that he has received again THIS Christmas day because somehow the 100 pairs he’s accumulated over the past 3 years just don’t seem a sufficient enough amount to keep his feet dry, warm and covered throughout the course of a 7-day week.
ENOUGH WITH THE SOCKS ALREADY!
This book is one man’s way of reaching out to the “Brotherhood of Dads”, a group of much-maligned gentlemen who feel the pain and anguish of having to display false sincerity every time the family gathers around the Christmas tree to exchange and open gifts.
Yes, Dads NEED underwear...but couldn’t that 5-pack of Hanes be included in the weekly-family- shopping- jaunt-budget to Wal Mart and the like?
We also NEED toothpaste, deodorant, combs, toilet paper, undershirts, light bulbs and eating utensils but are you REALLY going to secure those items up in a wad of wrapping paper and put them under the tree as if you have done us a tremendous favor in the gift-giving department?
We can tolerate you slipping those things into a stocking-hung-by-the-chimney-with-care but PLEASE stop insulting our intelligence by trying to hide the toothpaste and toothbrush in a box constructed for a nice winter sweater or a really cool electronic gadget.
We Dads are better than that...just a little brighter than that.
Even if it’s not really by much.
What’s the bottom line?
Dads enjoy receiving AWESOME Christmas gifts, too!
This book contains 113 very SOLID gift ideas that are sure to please Dads of all intelligences, looks, skills and other persuasions.
It is my hope that you can use this book, “Enough With The Socks, Already! 113 Awesome Christmas Gift Ideas for Dad” to help you this year even if its only purpose is to help you start thinking outside-of-the-box, generating a bunch of unique and fun ideas for you, your kids and your friends during this upcoming holiday shopping season!
Let’s put our thinking caps on and start sharing some fantastic gift ideas!
1. “BAND OF BROTHERS” HBO MINISERIES ON DVD”: Dads are MEN above everything else and REAL men (yeah, I said it...got a problem with that?) really enjoy VIOLENCE, especially when it’s intertwined with a great story about how a unit of soldiers find common ground and purpose as they fight an enemy whose primary focus was to use its powerful military and disgusting tactics like genocide to achieve world domination. These young men put aside their religious differences, varying levels of education and family wealth to bond together and become one of the most heroic groups of soldiers ever memorialized in film. Scene after scene of brave, American soldiers absolutely KICKING BUTT! Can you see how Dad would just love to watch this movie, either alone or with his buddies, once the kids have gone to bed? Check it out at Amazon.com or HBO.com in order to pick up Dad a copy for Christmas!
2. LEATHER “BOMBER” JACKET: or another version that suits your Dad’s specific style: I’m telling you...the leather jacket, especially the ones that the pilots in the U.S. Military wear on a daily basis, is sure to please your Dad this Christmas. Why? Because even if we are geeks, balding, fat, ugly, too skinny or all of the aforementioned, two things always apply: WE NEED TO STAY WARM IN THE WINTER and it’s always better to stay warm in the winter with something that makes you look like a BAD-ASS in public. Nothing more needs to be said about this gift except you would do well to look at online stores like www.leatherup.com, www.uswings.com or www.amazon.com; you could also locate an online store that ships authentic leather jackets straight from Argentina, the home of some of the best-looking, most durable and inexpensive leather jackets in the world.
3. TOKENS OR PURCHASED TIME AT THE LOCAL BASEBALL BATTING CAGES: O.K., so maybe Dad had to quit baseball after Middle School because he couldn’t find the skill-level required to hit anything with more spin or dip than a standard 60 MPH fastball...but that doesn’t mean he believes he would be utterly defenseless against a 100 MPH from C.C. Sabathia of the Yankees, Stephen Strasburg from the Washington Nationals or Aroldis Chapman of the REDS with just a few practice swings. His older body may say, “Not happening” but his juvenile, delusional mind still says, “bring it!” Batting cages have a way of bringing out the kid in every grown man, making him feel totally invincible as long as he has a metal bat in his hands...and a pretty solid helmet in case that metal bat somehow comes into contact with said grown man’s noggin after a very powerful swing that fails to make any connection with the baseball. Throw in a $10 bill for a burger, fries and a milkshake after the swing session and you’ll have Dad wanting to take the whole family to the local ballpark in no time! Just check out the local online phone directory in order to reserve a batting session for Dad this Christmas...
4. ORDER GRASS-FED, THICK-CUT-PRIME BEEF ONLINE OR FROM THE LOCAL BUTCHER: I know, I know all of the lovelies on the Today Show and in the most popular women’s magazines keep stressing the importance of men eating a plentiful amount of green, leafy vegetables and their various, colorful dirt-cousins on a daily basis but let’s face the facts, people: REAL MEN EAT MEAT...albeit meat that isn’t filled with chemicals, artificial flavors/colors and growth hormones. This is PURE FACT...and will not be disputed by any sensible man who has any self-confidence whatsoever (that means you, too, Tony Gonzalez of the NFL Atlanta Falcons!). Guys love to fire-up the grill and throw down a monstrous, thickly cut steak onto the heat and listen to it speak the language of sizzling, meat-eating AMOR! Check out your local farmers and butchers first (DO NOT buy this meat-gift at the local Safeway or other chain grocery store) and then if you find the going difficult in your hometown, go online and look at places like omahasteaks.com, alderspring.com or lacensebeef.com to get your Dad a Christmas gift that will make him want to get the outdoor grill going even if it’s colder-than-you-know-what outside.
5. ONE “LAWN-CARE-FREE” WEEKEND: It doesn’t matter if you deliver this gift via a poster, some printed-up, crafty gift certificate or by way of a regular Christmas card... your Dad will ALWAYS be grateful for a weekend that is free of any mowing and trimming of the family grounds (especially in the dead heat of Summer!) Of course this gift would mean so much more if YOU were to actually do the tasks (it would also be much cheaper $$$ for you) instead of him but Dad will appreciate the sentiment all the same.
6. ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH: Yes, there are going to be some Dads who balk at this initially (they might even have to FEIGN HAPPINESS after opening your gift) because they will think you are questioning not only their ability to actually be able to physically move a toothbrush up and down with their aging hands and arms but also their VERY MANHOOD! But fear not...after one or two brushes where he gets to power-up his new tool and hear the tooth-scrubbing engines roar, your Dad will NEVER, EVER want to go back to manual-incisor-cleaning again!
7. 3 PUTTING AND SHORT-GAME GOLF LESSONS FROM A LOCAL PRO: Dad has already spent well over $5000 on the best clubs, various technological gadgets and shoes he could get his hands on in order to prove to his buddies and the world that he definitely has “game”. But despite his superior mental approach, resilient attitude and 2 hour weekly self-taught driving range sessions...Dad still can’t get it done on the golf course. Let’s just say he needs a little instruction on the finer points of the game and NOTHING will do more to shave strokes off of his low-to-mid-100 scores than to learn to be a better putter and successfully get himself out of trouble when he lands in a nearby pile of weeds or sand-trap. Trust me when I say he will LOVE you for these lessons and will appreciate the lower scores for 18 holes despite the fact he still digs craters every time he hits an iron shot from the fairway (even if it is a fairway from a hole number that isn’t the same one he’s currently playing on).
8. MAKE HIM A LAP BLANKET OR LAP QUILT: O.K., so on the surface this may look like a “girly” gift and that Dad would be humiliated by opening this on Christmas morning but guys need warmth, too, and Dads LOVE gifts that show you were thinking about just them when you made it. They also like the fact you put a lot of elbow grease into their gift---demonstrable hard work is ALWAYS something Dads love and respect. But even with mentioning all of this, it goes without saying that a warm blanket or quilt on a cold, winter afternoon would make watching any movie or ballgame that much more enjoyable!
9. GIVE HIM A CERTIFICATE FOR 10 FREE SHOULDER RUBS: It may seem like this gift would be the sole domain of those who identify themselves as Mothers...but Dads, even if they initially dismiss the notion as silly and unnecessary, REALLY ENJOY having their achy shoulder muscles rubbed after a long day at the office, after mowing the lawn or even after going to the gym or going on a jog (yes, you can let him shower and change his clothes first after he’s exercised first before giving this gift!) You can create a little certificate, form or card that allows for a hole-punch to be used each time a shoulder rub is given. This gift is simple but I’m telling you he’s really going to miss these once the final shoulder rub is given.
10. NEW GRILL, GRILL EQUIPMENT AND OUTDOOR COOKING DVD: Most Dads are notorious for either ordering out for pizza or serving-up a great big plate of simple Kraft Macaroni and Cheese if they’re in charge of dinner. So Dad can’t get done on the stove-top---does that necessarily mean he cannot get properly motivated to cook his favorite MEATS over a raging fire? Absolutely not! In fact, EVERY man believes it’s in his DNA to take over the cooking-of-meats-outside-over-an-open-flame responsibility...he MUST perform this duty for his family or his masculinity should, and would, be questioned. However, sometimes Dad pays little attention to the goings-on of the meat while he stares admiringly at the towering flames and listens intently to the sound of the powerful sizzle. The end result? Unwanted (yet very fresh) jerky for the entire family to “chew-on” for dinner. Spare the family this type of trauma by getting him a powerful new grill ALONG with a video or book by someone like Bobby Flay, an expert in cooking just about everything on the grill. Everyone wins with this gift!
11. NINJA COAT HOOK OR KNIFE COAT HOOK: Dad may just be one of those millions of guys who works “at-the-office” but that doesn’t mean he’s some ordinary guy devoid of any special powers or talents! In fact, he may still believe that someday his natural physical gifts will be better used as a ninja or maybe even a James Bond type character that saves his country and our entire civilization from ruin! But, as someone who loves your Dad, you realize this nonsense is all in his head and he will never do anything better than creating a better spreadsheet than last week. So NOW is the time to soothe his ego just a little by buying this unique office gift at ThinkGeek.com. He will think it’s VERY cool and his friends and office buddies will be all-over this clever gift as well...
12. MAKE AN ONLINE, HUMOROUS CALENDAR FOR HIM: Dads are on the computer or some other electronic device more than ever and most of them start their days either checking their email and such via their computers, blackberries, etc. at home or they do the same things once they arrive at their offices. Whether you make original funny clips yourself or download a few or all of them from a place like YouTube, putting something together that both tickles your Dad’s funny bone and also leaves your unique fingerprints all over the project is now easier than ever. Dad may still love an office calendar with content from Far Side or Dilbert...but he won’t be able to resist something from you that has been personalized to your own family’s (or just his) wacky sense of humor!
13. GIVE DAD A 6 WEEK, EVENING COURSE IN AUTO REPAIR OR PLUMBING FROM THE LOCAL COMMUNITY COLLEGE: Dad’s been talking smack about how awesome he is under-the-hood-of-the-car or whenever the toilet has issues but you KNOW from his actions, horrendous stains and salty, frustrated outbursts that the only guy he’s fooling into believing that he is even remotely competent at these tasks is one person and one person only: himself. So why not give him a gift that WILL keep on giving, providing a skill (even more polished after taking the class) that will keep your family happy, dry and safe on the roads for the foreseeable future? A lot of community centers will also offer a 6-8 week course in either of these facets of learning and you just might be able to get a course for somewhere in the under-50-dollar$ range that will make everyone smile!
14. NICE SET OF DURABLE, WINTER OR SUMMER PAJAMAS: Every Christmas Eve, Dad has to sit there and watch Mom, all of the children and every other attendee of that evening’s festivities open up their brand new pajamas...they almost NEVER get pajamas from anyone. Do you realize how humiliating this is to your Dad? Think about how HUMILIATED you feel when Dad answers the early morning doorbell or evening doorbell wearing only his tightey-whiteys and an undershirt that is two sizes too small...at least. It’s THAT kind of humiliation, people! Dad shuffling through the house in search of milk at 2 a.m. in his ridiculously immodest garb kind-of-embarrassing! So do the entire family a favor and get Dad some nice pajamas this Christmas and EVERYONE will be spared further tears and humiliation.
15. FOOT SOAK POWDER OR SOAP, A SCRUBBING BRUSH AND A WIDE BUCKET FOR HOT WATER: Dads are NOT known for their PRETTY feet...even with more and more guys opting to take better care of their feet and including “salon-type-things” like pedicures into their monthly hygiene regimen. But this is another of the type of gift Dad might snarl at initially but trust me when I say he will be SINGING your praise during and after every HOT, FOOT SOAK he does in the evening just before bed time. It will help his feet recover and stay extra clean...while also soothing-away all of the trauma and soreness he received while walking around in his business shoes that whole, previous day. Even if that last sentence was a bit melodramatic...he’ll still love the foot soak!
16. POWER LEAF BLOWER: This is one machine EVERY Dad...errrr...FAMILY...should have in their power machine arsenal! Every Dad who uses one of these babies to gather up renegade leaves in the fall is admired and envied by every other man in the neighborhood who is one of the unfortunate few not to have power-leaf-blower-ownership. And do you realize how much cooler a Dad looks using the power machine to clean up the grass off of the sidewalks after a Saturday lawn mowing? Or here’s an even better question: do you realize just how ridiculous the other Dad down the street looks while he MANUALLY brooms-off the grass from his sidewalks after mowing the lawn? Yes, the brooming is a sure sign of a man who’s down on his luck...been emasculated in his lawn mowing operations...and the only cure for his malady is the POWER LEAF BLOWER.
17. BUY DAD A POCKET-WATCH: Hell yeah...it’s hip-to-be-square! The coolest Dads on earth realize that the only way to lasting success, especially with your image, is to DO things, SAY things and WEAR/USE things that the other lemmings of the world are NOT. In other words, cool Dads are a little bit edgy and willing to cut against the grain a bit. Nowadays, it seems like everyone has a wrist-watch, expensive or not, and everyone and their dog has an MP3 players, an IPAD, a cell phone, etc. that can be used to tell us the time of day. But do you know how cool Dad is going to look to you when you are in the Foot Locker with him and somebody asks what time it is---and he PULLS OUT THE POCKET-WATCH to get the time? Dad is now on par with Steve McQueen, Sean Connery and every other cool dude who ever walked on the face of this planet. Get him the pocket-watch, people!
18. GET DAD A REALLY NICE CHESS SET FOR THE OFFICE: O.K., so Dad doesn’t really play chess or he’s really an incompetent player; it REALLY doesn’t matter at all. If he’s good, then more power to you for buying him a nice chess set for the office because it suits him perfectly. But if your Dad is AWFUL, the office will STILL look better than it did before and it’s going to make your Dad like a pretty smart dude who really enjoys a great game of strategy and intellect. And you never know...maybe Dad will really take a liking to the game and turn out to be the next great Chess Master! Probably not, but this gift is a real winner anyway...
19. NEW WALLET OR MONEY CLIP: It’s very likely that on a recent outing with Dad to the local Burger King or grocery store you saw him break-out his wallet and you witnessed a beat-up piece of square leather that was being held together by his plastic cards, his 10 year-old business card and family photo that was taken when you were 5 years-old. And then you saw spare change fall all over the floor and Dad scrambling to keep the whole thing, contents included, intact with both of his hands outstretched. It’s time to get him a new wallet...or if your Dad is NASTY...a gangsta-type money clip that lets the whole world know he’s got game, even if the value of a U.S. dollar is now on par with the Iraqi Dinar.
20. THE “ROCKY” MOVIE SET ON DVD: Yo family...why ya gotta giggle at this one? It doesn’t matter how improbable the victories of Rocky Balboa really are...we just know this is what Rocky does for a living and we know no one does it better than him! Not Clubber Lang and not Apollo Creed; Rocky is the man and even when you think you know every one of these movies and their lines verbatim/by heart, one of Rocky’s philosophical gems comes out during your viewing and knocks you right in the teeth! Even “smart” Dads will keep coming back for more and there’s an unwritten rule that every Dad knows and it’s this: he has to watch the 6 movies, in succession, once a year just to keep his “Cool Dad Card”.
21. BUY DAD THE LATEST BOOK BY RADIO HOST MICHAEL SAVAGE: Dads like men who tell it like it is and Michael Savage is one of the VERY FEW men who will be 100 % straight with you: whatever he’s thinking, he will share it immediately and it’s probably going to hit you like a ton of bricks if you are not used to his shtick. Savage is one of the top 3 radio hosts in the United States and his books routinely garner top status on the New York Times Bestseller List. He’s pretty conservative as far as his politics go but he’s very smart, highly educated and willing to think through a subject before he opens his mouth and just says “whatever”. A list of his books would include: “Liberalism is a Mental Disorder”, “Trickle Up Poverty” and “The Enemy Within”. Savage will please a lot of Dads and his style of thinking and conveying his thoughts just might endear him to those Dads who even identify themselves as a “liberal”.
22. 5 “GET-OUT-OF-THE-DOGHOUSE-WITHIN-24-HOURS” PASSES: Dad will love the opportunity to get out of the doghouse throughout the upcoming year by using one of these passes that will grant him a reprieve from the effects of his quick temper, smart mouth or just ignorant thought process. Moms won’t have to use the “intimacy-freeze” strategy nearly-as-much as in years past and children/friends of dads won’t have to walk around town acting like they don’t know who you are when there’s still a shoe firmly planted in your mouth after a short conversation with someone. 5 passes may not be enough for your Dad for the entire year but it’s enough in quantity to give Dad a renewed sense of confidence as he gets a bit of forgiveness at least once a year.
23. BOOGIE-BOARD AND OTHER “TOYS” FOR THE BEACH: Why should the kids have all of the fun cruising on the waves while Dad is expected to munch on sand and beat his body all-to-heck while he body-surfs? Get him a large-sized boogie board and he’ll be shredding and smiling right along the kids next summer instead of nursing his injuries after a devastating wipe-out...with NO boogie-board! And if you’re feeling up-to-it, because Dad enjoys PLAYING much more than he does LOUNGING at the beach, you could throw in a water-proof football for him to toss around with the kids or even a beach tennis kit. Dad will be much grumpier when it comes to getting out of bed on a Sunday morning and rounding up the kids for a trip to the beach if he gets the aforementioned gifts from Santa!
24. PUT TOGETHER “DAD QUOTES” AND MAKE A FRAMED-POSTER GIFT: While I recognize there are millions of Dads out there who have a propensity for being very quiet and letting their wives do most of the “talking” in the house, a very LARGE amount of Dads spew-off hundreds and hundreds of phrases that are aimed at educating and alarming his audience (usually the children within the home). And there are probably 15-20 quotes out of the roughly 1500 he’s delivered that deserve to be enshrined on a poster and the framed for hanging in the family home. Phrases like, “This is Going to Hurt Me More Than It Will Hurt You”, “&*&*^&*% kids!” or even “You Heard Me” (remember, the more unique your Dad’s phrases, the better the poster art!) are tiny bits of wisdom that need to be permanently honored and this is one way to do it! There will be some hilarious quotes...but also some spiritual ones that may have had a very positive impact on the way you live your life. Either way, this gift will be appreciated by Dads everywhere!
25. THE ELECTRIC KNIFE: We’ve already discussed the need for Dads to satisfy their carnivorous nature by grilling meats on the new grill but sometimes the “meat” being served at the family gathering leans more towards a pork ham or a whole turkey. No worries...as long as you’ve gotten Dad a brand-spanking-new electric knife he so well-deserves! Usually Dad wants to avoid the kitchen at all costs during the Holiday season because...well...it’s just a very TENSE atmosphere in there with all of the ladies panicking about their dishes, gossiping, etc. but if he’s called-to-duty, called-to-operate the manly power-kitchen tools like an electric knife, he’ll pounce on the task immediately because he needs to feel the strength of his new tool as it cuts through the meat effortlessly, it’s power gently screaming through every sinew. Yeah, this is THE way to get Dad involved in the Holiday meal preparations in a very powerful way!
26. BALL CAPS OR SHIRTS OF DAD’S FAVORITE NBA, NFL, MLB, NHL, NASCAR, ETC. TEAM OR “PERSONA”: This gift is a “given” for every Holiday season and nothing is easier to get for Dad than a ball cap from one of his favorite teams! Some Dads are still trying to live the dream as if they still had the same “skills” like they had back-in-the-day and other Dads realize those days are long gone and are more comfortable in accepting their athletic plight but in either case this type of gift will ALWAYS satisfy Dad!
27. SEASON’S WORTH OF DVDs OF DAD’S FAVORITE T.V. SHOW: Here’s the dilemma for the majority of families in America: Dad and the family want him to be a part of the family’s life after work...whether it be as he coaches the kids in their sports, helps them with their homework, helps with chores around the house or just going out to a movie with Mom and the kids that night; however, Dad needs some downtime every once-in-awhile and would really like to kick back his feet and watch a ballgame or his favorite show. With the majority of today’s television programs now putting out their entire season on DVD upon completion of their network scheduling, you can buy Dad this year’s season of House, MD, 30 Rock, Fringe, Hell’s Kitchen or Curb Your Enthusiasm and when football is over or he’s not coaching baseball Dad can pop in the DVD and watch a few episodes one evening or maybe even more (with Mom’s permission) on a weekend afternoon! So if you get him this particular gift, Dad’s gonna be excited because he has viewing pleasure right in his fingertips and the FAMILY has an expression of joy because Dad’s no longer going to be saying, “Sure I’ll go throw the football with you but we have to make sure to leave in time for me to get back and watch tonight’s episode of House!”. This is what you call a “win-win”, people...
28. PUT TOGETHER A “MAN-GROOMING” KIT FOR DAD: Whether your Dad is a tough guy or one of those dudes whose as little more in touch with his feminine side, a man-grooming kit is an excellent way to create a gift! Just find a container that you feel will best hold all of these items and you’re off to the races. Choose Dad’s favorite shaving cream, soap, razors, after shave, cologne, etc. and put all together for a personalized gift he can and will definitely use in the upcoming months!
29. A TRIP TO MEN’S WEARHOUSE FOR A NEW SUIT: Modern society has relaxed the dress codes quite a bit the last 10 years or so...therefore it’s no surprise that you never see your Dad in a suit unless someone has died or Mom is forcing the entire family to go to Church that Sunday. And when those “now-and-then” events occur, it’s painfully obvious that Dad hasn’t purchased a new suit for at least 10 years...if not more. So do him a favor this upcoming Christmas and give him the gift of a tailored suit from someplace like the Men’s Wearhouse, where he can get a suit that’s not-so-snug in all the wrong places and that also doesn’t look like the last time he wore it was 1989. Trust me when I say he will grumble initially and then sing your praises in short order after the appointment.
30. 15 DOWNLOADS FOR DAD’S MP3 PLAYER: Yes, the days of putting together a “favs-CD” or “Mix-tapes” are long behind us (thank G-d) but it doesn’t mean that people still don’t enjoy picking out their own music, with their own set of songs they still love! Everyone likes music and the best thing you can do for someone is allow them to choose their very own favorites. Dad will be grateful to add a few new tunes to his collection...
31. GET DAD THE BOOK, “THE ART OF WAR”, BY SUN-TZU: If your Dad is already spewing hatred towards the nation of China because of its assault on the manufacturing economy of the United States, you’ll be able to stoke the flames even higher after he has a good read of “The Art of War”. Every guy loves to see the game plan and strategies used to devastate an opponent and Sun-Tzu describes how the Chinese leadership have smashed down every foe for the last 2,500 years or so: very cryptically, very quietly and with a lot of patience. Dad will be able to get a bird’s eye view of how the Chinese compete in all facets of life...including militarily. This book will leave Dad a little bit peeved and asking why the U.S. leadership doesn’t understand how China is kicking our butts in everything from making steel to playing ping-pong!
32. PUNCHING BAG AND HIS OWN BOXING GLOVES: There are going to be Dads who are told to “go for a run and get your work frustrations out” and they will be compliant; but there will be other Dads that look at their wives and say, “if you go tell me to run my frustrations out just one more time I’m going to...” and that’s exactly the time when you will say, “yeah, I’m REALLY glad we got dad the punching bag last Christmas!” Men are not cheetahs or horses or dogs--going for a run or a jog is not usually going to do the trick as far as dispensing of all of our daily angst; however, beating the snot out of a punching bag is likely to do the trick. If Dad has a pair of protective gloves that will allow him the chance to punch the bag frequently without breaking his hand-parts, then he will take the opportunity to engage in this activity on an almost daily basis. Just a few maneuverings in the garage will free-up enough space to let Dad get-after-it in the coming months. And any fitness instructor will tell you how great boxing can be as a workout if done properly!
33. COOL SUNGLASSES FROM SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN THE DOLLAR STORE: It’s time to let Dad know that Tom Cruise and Charlie Sheen are no longer the focal points for manufacturers of sunglasses and also let him know the black, plastic frames from “Cocktail” are no longer en vogue. In other words, it’s time for an upgrade for Dad. There are so many styles to choose from nowadays that Dad doesn’t have any excuse NOT to be wearing at least somewhat-more-hip-looking-shades. There’s no shame in shopping at a Dollar Store but among all of the great things you can get from a Dollar Store, you can bet “dollar-sun-frames” are not one of those things because they are flimsy, break-too-easily and are WAY out-of-style. Just do Dad a big favor and pay for a gift certificate to a great sunglasses store whether it is online or otherwise.
34. HIS OWN BIG, PERSONAL LAWN CHAIR: How many times have you seen Dad fall through one of those flimsy, generic lawn chairs built for someone who weighs roughly 150 pounds? Or maybe he’s just hanging onto that old piece of garbage he calls a lawn chair that he’s used for the last 20 years of his life. Regardless the scenario, Dad would love a new lawn chair that has the width, length and strength to make sitting back and watching the kids play in the back yard an enjoyable experience! He won’t have to be nervous about falling through the old chair and having the neighborhood kids point and laugh at him---or perhaps his own flesh-and-blood doing the exact same thing. And he won’t have to worry about the dog raising his leg on the old chair on a daily basis as it mistakes the lawn chair for a large piece of backyard debris. A brand new lawn chair will have Dad just itching for spring and summer!
35. DAD’S VERY OWN GIGANTIC TROPHY: Mock if you must at this gift suggestion...but I’m telling you that inside every Little League coach, inside every Dad, is a little boy who thinks it’s still very cool to get recognition by way of a VERY BIG, GOLDEN-ISH COLORED trophy. Why? Because it means we were victorious at some point, dammit! And it still feels good for a Dad to get rewarded for something...anything...through the acceptance of a golden statue. Is he technically breaking the commandment that says we shouldn’t worship false idols? Absolutely. But the reality is Dads feel like a forgiving G-d will allow us this one indiscretion in life in order for us to feel like a winner. Just PLEASE don’t put on the trophy the following phrase: WORLD’S GREATEST DAD. We already know we’re your favorite Dad...more than likely, we’re all you have to choose from in the “DAD” category. So be creative and don’t state the obvious...and make that sucker as TALL as possible.
36. SNOW CONE OR ICE CREAM MAKER-MACHINE: Want a way to really tick-off Dad next summer? Tell him how much profit margin the guy in the snow cone stand is getting off of every sale he makes. When Dad realizes that he paid $3.00 for a snow cone that cost $.20 to make (materials, labor and other costs included), he will be emphatically grateful to you for buying him that snow cone or ice cream maker at Christmas. He’ll also secretly enjoy the power of being able to whip up a tasty treat for all of your friends or for a family gathering---because he’s going to look like a great guy and in his own mind, he’s going to be envisioning all the extra money he’s saving as well as the sad look on the face of the guy who screwed him over last year by charging $12.00 for 4 snow cones during the last 100 degree parade. Oh, how sweet it is!
37. POWER-SPRAY WASHER: Dads love to clean if they are equipped with tools that make them feel as though there isn’t one piece of dirt or grime that will have a distinct advantage over him in the battle that lies ahead. So, yeah, he’s gonna need some full strength cleanser but he’s also going to need a machine, an ally, in order to conquer. And that’s where the power-washer comes into play. Massive pressure pushing out water and suds at an alarming rate that makes even Mother Nature herself quiver...now that’s POWER, people! Before too long, you’ll have Dad cleaning the deck, the sidewalks, the outside of the house, the cars and anything else that can realistically withstand the awesome devastation that streams out of the POWER SPRAY WASHER!
38. 5 “GET-OUT-OF-THE-DOGHOUSE-FREE” CARDS FOR THE UPCOMING YEAR: This one is going to be hard for the Moms and daughters...it’s going to hurt their sense of pride and G-d given ability to manipulate so well...but Dad deserves these cards whether you like it or not. Why? Because it’s a GIVEN he will be in your doghouse within 2-3 hours of you reading this book and also because this gift may cost you...at a maximum...2 weeks of not being able to use your womanly powers to make him feel like garbage after he’s said something or done something very stupid that somehow hurt your feelings. Give him these cards and he will genuinely think you care a ton about him even though YOU know the shelf-life on these cards is about equal to that of a fly near a Venus Fly Trap. Everybody feels good with this gift!
39. FOR ONE MONTH OUT OF THE UPCOMING YEAR, LET THE BEDROOM LOOK LIKE A GUY LIVED THERE: That’s right...you women can handle ONE month out of twelve where the Master Bedroom doesn’t look like something out of “Sense and Sensibility” or “Gone With The Wind”. Let him be a minimalist...or go crazy with an array of sports-related stuff that will cover every bed, chair, sink, etc. in the proposed area. Anything goes for an entire month (except maybe posters of nude or scantily-clad women). This will be good for you, ladies and believe it or not it’s going to make him better appreciate your decorating skill when his time for room decorating expires. Perhaps not, but because you let him put up his life sized picture of Peyton Manning and his favorite NASCAR coat-rack for a whole month, he will gladly cede back the power of decor back to where it belongs: with you.
40. MAN-SIZED, DURABLE UMBRELLA: Dads are tired of all the cutesy, portable umbrellas that lose an appendage the moment you try to open them up. They are also tired of all the giggles they get from their single buddies who don’t have their wives picking out their umbrellas. Women think they are doing men a favor just by NOT giving them an umbrella with the image of a cartoon character emblazoned across the face of it. That’s not good enough anymore, ladies! We want an umbrella that serves 3 purposes: basic in color so as not to make us look like we’re light-in-the-loafers; strong enough to withstand a hurricane-like storm; and big, durable enough to be used as a deadly weapon. That’s all---it’s pretty simple what we want from our umbrellas. So this Christmas, let’s make it happen!
41. CUSTOM BOBBLE-HEADS OF YOU, THE KIDS AND DAD: You don’t have to have the last name of Schrute in order to have an inclination towards owning a bobble-head. Why do you think “BOBBLE-HEAD-PLAYER-NIGHT” is so popular at the ballpark or stadium? Men love anything that is stupid looking or foul smelling and still legal in all 50 states of the Union. And just so you know...bobble-heads ARE legal in all 50 states, whether you like it or not. Besides, how cool will it look to you when you see your husband’s desk at work decorated with a bobble-head set of your family? Family men ROCK, people...
42. “SPITBALL” DART PAD FOR HOME OR OFFICE: O.K., maybe this one is NOT for the office because the stench of hour-old spit may not be all that pleasing to a prospective client but why not get this for Dad and let him put it up in the basement TV room or the backyard deck? All Dad needs is a paper product (or some green peas), a straw and some some of his own saliva in order to have hours of fun at a time! Dad will reminisce about the fun days with his elementary school buddies while presently training his sons or daughters in the art of spitball shooting. Perhaps you could make him a Jedi Knight-type costume that will also ensure that the force is with him as he trains the next generation of spit-ballers who happen to carry his last name!
43. 2 FREE “GET-OUT-OF-SHOPPING-AT-THE-MALL-THIS-WEEKEND” CARDS: You may think this gift seems ridiculous on the surface because, after all, we ARE spending time with the people we love the most...our wife and children. Let me tell you something---it doesn’t matter how much we love you because we ABSOLUTELY HATE SHOPPING AT THE MALL. With a passion. UNEQUIVOCALLY. We know each trip is going to involve paying for a family meal that costs twice as much as it would outside of the mall and we know that besides Radio Shack and an occasional place where there is a wide screen TV showing a college football game, we are going to loathe the shopping experience. So please do us a favor this holiday season and grant us the opportunity to ABSTAIN from the mall shopping experience twice a year...and we promise to be chipper and grateful for the other chances we’ll have to shop with you and the kids throughout the course of the the next 12 months!
44. SHOE SHINE KIT: This gift may seem like a very ordinary one but Dads (outside of their lawn-care shoes) don’t want their kicks looking gnarly when they are out in public. There is a huge need for replacing the shoelaces, making the insides of the shoes smell better and keeping the leather in good shape...and looking good as well. You could go to the local shoe store to put together your own kit or you could just go online to a store like www.shoeshinekit.com and they will have a lot of options for you to choose from. Whether it’s Dad’s business shoes, church shoes or sneakers, all of his foot apparel deserves excellent treatment that will allow them to last as long as possible and have the extra money to spend on YOU!
45. MAN-SIZED POWER-TOILET-PLUNGER: This is not a joke, people! How many times have you seen the family face a toilet-overflow-disaster that takes much more help than those pithy, clay-brown colored plungers that usually split around the edges after 2-3 uses? So instead of screaming at the top of your lungs because there’s a distinct possibility that Junior’s baby-ruts are going to be floating down the family’s hallway if the ahem...crap...doesn’t get taken care of soon, make sure and buy Dad a plunger that’s very strong, sturdy and well-designed to get the dirty job done correctly the first time around! You could go to www.plumbingstore.com and check out the wide selection of powerful plungers and place an order for each bathroom in the house. Remember, Dad LOVES power equipment and even though it’s a blasted plunger...he’s going to think he’s that much more effective in emergency plumbing situations because of this Christmas purchase that you WILL make this Holiday season!
46. HOT-SAUCE-OF-THE-MONTH-CLUB: As Dads get older, their taste buds become less and less effective at being able to pick up the flavor and HEAT of certain foods...and that is why he’s always requesting that Mom or the restaurant kick up the spice on practically every dish served to him. It’s always, “pass the pepper” or “why don’t you season the food anymore, dear?” coming from the pie-hole of Dad and I know you’re tired of it, even if you have a little empathy for his pathetic pleas because he’s your Dad. Dear-ole-Dad needs your help, people, and getting him a one year enrollment in a “hot sauce of the month club” would be an excellent way to help Dad savor the moment in the coming year. There are several places online that will offer you a hot sauce for every month of the year and here are three sites to get you started: www.insanechicken.com; www.toodarnhot.com; www.flyingnoodle.com.
47. KGB “DISAPPEARING” INK PEN: Make fun if you want to, yes, but Dads have a very big need to feel like they are super-intelligent, always able to conquer even the cleverest of his foes. Which is EXACTLY why Dad needs you to add the KGB DISAPPEARING INK PEN to his already formidable arsenal of spy toys. The pen will allow your dad to write down threats or his inner most thoughts and then have them DISAPPEAR, forever, after just 48 hours of putting ink to paper. This cool gadget can be found at www.thinkgeek.com and I promise you even the kids will like this gift after a few tries!
48. GIVE DAD A HANDWRITTEN NOTE OF APPRECIATION: Deep down inside that very rugged interior of your Dad lies a big softy who absolutely loves it when he’s told by his family how much he’s loved and appreciated; the man is a human being after all, people! In addition, he’ll really enjoy the handwritten touch you lend to the note in a world that is saturated by email and text messages. Give Dad a genuine piece of you and your thoughts and he’s apt to give even more of himself to you as well! That’s not a guilt trip to make you do this either...just PURE FACT!
49. WATERPROOF SHOWER RADIO OR MP3 PLAYER: Don’t you dare laugh! Dads may want to try and convince you that they are all business when it comes to taking a shower and that they just want to get in and out as quickly as possible but trust me, they wouldn’t mind listening to an extra news story or two while the hot water pours over their shoulders before facing another work day. And OF COURSE there are Dads out there who wouldn’t mind belting out a few classic rock tunes while they finish getting cleaned up for the day! Doesn’t matter what kind of Dad you have...he’ll really like this gift!
50. GIVE IN TO THE TURKEY FRYER CRAZE!: If you haven’t already done so...I am commanding you to give in to the turkey fryer craze (I am also waving my hand in front of me like a Jedi) and let Dad be at the helm of one of man’s greatest inventions since the Turducken. Every Dad deserves the chance to deep-fry the focal point of the family feast at least once in his life. And if he gets better and better with each passing dip into the scalding hot container of peanut oil, he deserves the chance of getting creative with his cooking and he can only satisfy that creativity with more TURKEY FRYING! Just do it!
51. VERY BIG GIFT CERTIFICATE FOR FIREWORKS DURING THE 4TH OF JULY: FACT: Dads still love to blow things up after all these years. FACT: Dads still believe they can control the elements of the earth, including massive display FIRE! FACT: When you combine these two elements together, Dad turns back the clock to when he was 11 years old and suddenly is loving the 4th of July festivities once again! You can let him be a BIG KID at least this one time during the year, no? I mean, what’s the worst thing that could happen when Dad is playing with fireworks? Don’t answer that question...
52. HAVE ALL THE KIDS ON DAD’S YOUTH TEAM SIGN THE BALL OR BAT AND GIVE IT TO HIM AS A CHRISTMAS GIFT!: Dad put a TON of effort into helping that group of renegade 7-8 year-olds play a more highly-skilled game of baseball, football, basketball, etc. and he would love nothing more than to see the appreciation of those kids memorialized by way of their signatures! Dad will love reminiscing about each player in the future as he takes a look at that certain kid’s signature and remembers the good, the bad and the ugly of the youth league year that was. Good times people, good times...
53. ROUND UP DAD’S FOOTBALL BUDDIES AND CATER THEIR NEXT FANTASY FOOTBALL DRAFT: If your Dad isn’t already in a Fantasy Football League, he will be before too long. Unless he’s a pleasing, effeminate bag of...never mind...let’s just say he either has no friends or he’s a schmuck or perhaps both. I’m KIDDING, people...I’m a kidder, OK? But seriously, if your Dad is a member of a League, the DRAFT is THE EVENT for everyone involved. It generally lasts a few hours and FOOD/DRINK is a HUGE component of the fun. So do Dad and his buddies a BIG-TIME favor and take care of all the stuff that will be filling the members’ pie-holes during the draft. You could buy the stuff but if you and your friends are great cooks, why not create a TON of original, scrumptious GRUB for the boys and their Draft!? You will come off the HEROINE in every single mind of the men in that Fantasy Football League...
So there you have it...53 out of 113 Awesome Christmas Gift Ideas for Dad that will hopefully make you think twice about buying the MAIN MAN in your life some SORRY, not-well-thought-out-gift for the Holidays! I hope you had a good laugh AND got some good ideas with each of the previous 53 suggestions...
BUT WAIT!
DON’T GO!
THERE’S MORE!
I knew you’d have a lot of fun just going through those previous 53 ideas, so I decided to simply “itemize” dozens of EQUALLY AWESOME Christmas Gift Ideas for Dad in the list that follows!
If you have the talent to paint or draw, create an original work for Dad this Christmas...with your signature on it!
Have a “Burger and Fries Night” just for Dad...without him even expecting it!
Take a look at what Dad might be lacking in the “tool” department (just take a glance in the garage) and buy him one, heavy-duty item that he needs!
Tickets to an evening with Mom at the local comedy club!
A Gym Membership!
Register Dad for an AUDITED class at the local University!
Buy him a guitar with a beginner’s video lesson on DVD!
Buy him into a “Coffee-of-the-Month” club!
Nice Briefcase for work!
Gift Certificate for “3 Walks in the Park with Mom”!
Get him a fish tank with LOTS of colorful fish to relax with after work!
Brand new Coffee Maker!
New video Recorder or digital camera!
Pay to have someone other than Dad to take the Christmas lights down this year! (or better yet…do it yourself!)
New and improved Fireplace Gear!
An ACTUAL “SOAPBOX” for Dad to stand on…when he feels it’s time for a good lecture!
Picture or painting of his favorite athlete, President or other hero...and have it framed!
Subscription to his favorite magazine or newspaper (online, too!)
Monthly pass to Dad’s favorite Barber or other hair-cutting place!
Satellite Radio subscription!
Buy him a “GUYS WEEKEND” to Vegas or Mountain Home, Idaho depending on whether he’s been naughty or nice!
Brand new WII gaming console!
Get him a T-shirt or other item with the image of his favorite TV character!
“HEALTHY” Gift basket filled with vitamins and other healthy goodies like granola, fruit and other stuff!
“10 Free Back-Rubs” CARD for use in the coming months!
PAID TIME AT THE SHOOTING RANGE!
5 FREE Snow shovels for Dad during the winter! (or buy him a snow blower!)
Fly-fishing lessons!
Season tickets to his favorite sport and team!
“Fantasy Team Camp” where “aging-like-fine-wine-guys” get coached-up by legends like Coach K at Duke University or NBA great Michael Jordan!
Ear and Nose Hair Trimmer!
Gardening Kit with work gloves, pruning shears, etc.!
Buy him a book or DVD about Natural Disasters!
Buy him a book or CD about Wars/Military Battles!
Get Dad a MAN-SIZED Fly Swatter!
New lawn mower!
Biggest, BADDEST game-day cooler you can find!
Home Repair Kit with duct tape, pliers, screwdrivers, etc.!
Certificate for “Friday Lunch with Dad” where you take him to lunch on YOUR DIME!
5 FREE Car washes and auto detail from the kids!
3 “DAD-Gets-To-Pick-The-Movie-Night” certificates!
Cleaning products for his computer!
Bake him his favorite dessert Christmas Day!
Book or video about GROSS Science or GROSS things in life!
Favorite Cologne!
Shaving Kit!
TV Trays for eating while watching his favorite game or show!
Cufflinks!
Donut Maker Machine!
New sound system from BOSE or other manufacturer!
New FLAT SCREEN TV!
DVD set for the TV shows “Cheers” or “Dirty Jobs”!
Gift Certificate for 2 Pay-Per-Views for the coming year! (for big boxing, MMA or WWE fights!)
Organize and cater a Bi-Annual “Poker-Night-for-the-Guys”!
ONE FUNKY gift from Spencer’s or another “unique” store!
Stylish Leather Gloves!
Make a video of you and the kids telling Dad how much they love him...packed with other funny things!
Emergency Car Kit for the trunk of Dad’s car or the family car!
Retro-gaming system (think ATARI) with a few of his favorite, classic games!
Subscription to GAMEFLY or NETFLIX!
So now you are newly-equipped with 113 Awesome Christmas Gift Ideas for Dad, this year! If you’re as smart as I think you are (you DID buy this book, after all), the ideas in this book probably generated even MORE Christmas Gift ideas…from your own noggin…that will be equally AWESOME and that Dad will appreciate just as much.
Remember, Dads are people just like you and while they may try to put on a brave face when they’ve opened up another HO-HUM, run-of-the-mill, THOUGHTLESS Christmas gift…inside they are saying to themselves, “they realize they’ve given me socks and underwear for the last 3 years, correct?”
ENOUGH WITH THE SOCKS ALREADY!
Merry Christmas to all of you---have a great time shopping for Dad this year!
Klark B. Kringle