Daddy-isms of Divorce
Published by Brian M. Dittmer at Smashwords
Copyright 2010 Brian M. Dittmer
Smashwords
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Inspirations,
thoughts and insights ("isms") from a Dad who recently
endured and survived a divorce.
Hopefully these "isms" will help another Dad in some small way.
For
my totally incredible daughters
Kaitlyn Nicole and Kassidy Rae.
You are My Sunshine!
I
Love Ya to the Moon and Back.
-Daddy
- When you feel like taking everything she has in her closet and making the world's largest bonfire in the driveway - take a long, deep breathe and realize that doing so will only make matters worse and probably get Green Peace on your back
- The Pain you are feeling is real - in your heart, in your head, throughout your body. It's an unfortunate natural consequence of what you are going through...but it too shall pass.
- Night time and when the alarm goes off in the morning are the toughest times of the day. Find some positive distraction at night and in the morning focus on a positive goal you want to achieve for that day.
- Losing yourself in drink or drugs is not the way to go. Lose yourself in your kids - they're your MOST IMPORTANT asset(s).
- When people tell you - they know what you're going through - it's partially true and they have the best intentions in mind. Remember, most friends and/or family have a tough time really talking to you as you are suffering through your divorce. Cut them some slack and realize they are trying - which means they care about YOU!
- It takes two to tango. This is an old but absolutely true catch phrase for your divorce. If your spouse doesn't want to be married any more, no amount of begging, counseling or sucking up is ultimately going to make a permanent difference. This doesn't mean you should give up and throw in the towel immediately - but after a reasonable amount of time, if your spouse hasn't come around it's time for you to focus on the future and the positive situation you want to be in.
- When it comes down to it, stuff is only stuff and it can all be replaced. Don't sweat the spatula, ottoman or colander. Focus on what's important - your kids, family, friends and faith - and devote your time and energies to those things.
- Divorce is both an end and a new beginning. While the end is draining and painful - if you focus on the new beginning and align your thoughts and actions in that direction - the minutes, hours, days will pass much easier.
- These days in the U.S. over 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Coin flips statistically end in tails 50% of the time too.
- The divorce is not you and you are NOT the divorce.
- It's ok if you don't want other people to know about your divorce (initially). But acknowledging it to others, in time, will take a great weight off your shoulders.
- If you can settle things with your spouse without a lawyer it can save you considerable amounts of money, time and grief. However, always have the final judgment reviewed by a good divorce attorney.
- Divorce attorney’s bill by the hour for everything - time on the phone, replying to emails, time to/from court, meetings, etc. It adds up quickly.
- Mediation can be a better alternative than going to trial.
- Every state has different laws and rules regarding divorce. Ignorance of them is no excuse. Use the internet to understand what they are in your state.
- Modern technology can help to doom a marriage. Inappropriate use of Facebook, internet chatting, text messaging etc can poison a marriage very rapidly.
- Suspicion of infidelity and misdoings by your spouse can make you feel like there is acid coursing through your veins. Don't let it simmer - talk to your spouse about your concerns in a timely manner.
- Protecting your kids from the BS of Divorce should be a top priority.
- Divorce is a loss, you will grieve, there's nothing wrong with that.
- Seek out support from others that have gone through a divorce already. If you don't have any friends/family that already have been through one - contact a local church for a support group.
- Talking about things is better than keeping them bottled up inside of you. Let it out.
- Real men can cry and show emotion.
- Being married isn't easy.
- Your family is important. Kids benefit from having both a Mom and Dad that are actively involved in their lives.
- Just because a marriage ends, does NOT mean your family does too.
- Try to maintain a routine with your kids both during and after the divorce. Kids like consistency. Give it to them, they deserve it.
- Dad and Mom will ALWAYS be Dad and Mom.
- Don't sweat the small stuff.
- Consider saving the wedding stuff for your kids when they're older. They'll appreciate seeing the photos et al. Box it up and toss it in the attic.
- Sometimes you can be friends with your ex-spouse, sometimes you can't. Every situation is different, but don't go out of your way to be her enemy. Kids are smart, they sense this kind of behavior and react accordingly.
- Once your divorce is final, do something special for yourself and your kids. Take a trip, get some ice cream, go to the park. Life goes on and so should the smiles.
- Make a list of things you want to do after the divorce. Make sure there's some fun involved.
- If she's moving out, try not to be around when it happens - it can take a lot out of you emotionally.
- Your attorney is NOT your therapist or family counselor. Get the right help, from the right source, if you need it.
- The answer to the question - "Why is this happening?" - is something that can drive you absolutely crazy trying to come up with. Suffice it to say that "stuff" happens, we're all human and often life just gets in the way.
- To file or not to file, that is the question.
- Battle lines tend to get drawn along the spousal divide, her family and friends on one side and yours on the other. Couples you befriended during the marriage tend to resemble Switzerland during a war.
- Always wear something nice when you go to court, the judge will appreciate a "kept up" appearance.
- Going to court sucks, plain and simple it sucks.
- Take the high road, you'll thank yourself later for having done so.
- When things are getting wild and crazy - go sit by yourself for awhile someplace comfortable and listen to some of your favorite tunes. At the park, by the lake, ocean or river - someplace that brings you personal peace.
- When it comes time to split the stuff - let her create the list. You provide feedback and edits/suggestions.
- To love, honor and obey, in sickness and in health, till death do you part - apparently has a different meaning to different people.
- Fight the temptation to write nasty things to your spouse in an email, chat session, texting etc - those are very impersonal communication mediums and you often will say things that you don't 100% mean/believe.
- During the divorce process, before talking to your spouse about important stuff, put your thoughts down in writing -- there's no shame in referring to notes when you talk.
- Remember the good times, positive memories will be with you forever. Share these with your kids.
- Make sure you get to keep some of the pictures, movies, kids school projects etc. These are all irreplaceable items.
- Bad marriages happen to good people all the time.
- Stay positive.
- Focus on the future. See it. Believe it. Achieve it.
- Nobody wins the blame game. Don't play it.
- Don't stay married for the wrong reasons. Find the right ones and focus all your energy on those. If you can't make it work, at least go out knowing you've done your best trying.
- Watch the movie - Life as a House.
- Read the bible.
- Talk to your pastor, priest, clergyman, rabbi.
- Remember to exercise and eat right. You only have one you and you need to be around for your kids, for yourself, for your family.
- Divorce equals stress.
- Be prepared every day for a new crisis your spouse presents you with. Fight the knee-jerk reaction. Things are often less "crisis-like" than first presented.
- Some famous divorced dudes: Ronald Reagan, Johnny Carson, John Wayne, Elvis, Paul Newman, Robert Redford, Hulk Hogan, Joe DiMaggio, Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Springsteen, Frank Sinatra, Paul McCartney, Dr. Jonas Salk, David Letterman, John McEnroe, Larry Ellison, Ted Turner, Michael Crichton, Steven Spielberg
- There's something to be said about new beginnings.
- Just because you're divorced doesn't mean the Ex is out of your life. Having kids together means she will be around for a long, long time. Do yourself and your kids a HUGE favor and try to get along.
- Your kids, Your kids, Your kids.
- Pick up a book by Les Brown and read it. His positivity will do you good.
- When it comes time to replace "stuff" that left as a result of your divorce - make a list and let it sit around for awhile. More than likely some of the things really don't need replacing.
- When replacing "stuff", buying used can save you a ton of cash. Check out Craigslist.org for some potential savings.
- Just the like Phoenix, from the flaming inferno of divorce, You Too Shall Rise Up!
- A little alone time is good for the mind, body and spirit. Loneliness though can be like a poison, eating you up from the inside out. Surround yourself with family and friends during your difficult times.
- Kids often know and understand more about what is going on than we give them credit for.
- Talk to your kids, listen to your kids. They are a reflection of you - make it one that shimmers with hope and happiness.
- Do something active every day - walking, running, biking, push-ups, sit-ups, hand squisher in the car during your commute.
- Take a good daily multi-vitamin. Chances are you might not be eating as well as you think you are. Your health is too important to let slip.
- Spend 5 minutes a day with your eyes closed just relaxing and listening to yourself take cleansing deep breathes.
- Put a dozen or so of your favorite songs on your mp3 player and enjoy them on a regular basis. Music can help you to escape things for a short while.
- Try to eat dinner with your kids at least once a week. It's a great bonding and sharing opportunity. Make it yourself, as a team or get carry-out it doesn't matter. Breaking bread together as a family at the table is a special time and one that our ancestors had very right oh so many years ago.
- Don't fight/argue with your spouse in front of your kids. Sometimes confrontation can't be avoided - but picking the time and place is important.
- It's very tough to take back things once spoken. Think before you speak.
- The family unit is definitely something worth preserving. Go the extra mile to try and make that happen.
- Don't let pride or ego get in the way of saying you're sorry or admitting you made a mistake.
- Don't let anyone tell you that Dads aren't an important part of a child's upbringing. It's critical you be there every step of the way. Your kid(s) will thank you for it when they are older.
- Try not to miss any of your kid's special events - plays, games, recitals, parent teach conferences etc - even if you have to sit on the other side of the gym/arena/field from your ex/soon to be ex-spouse. These are moments that you can never recapture.
- Take a Divorce Vacation. Go away with the kids to an indoor water park, favorite camping spot, the beach, amusement part etc. Getting away from it all for awhile does wonders for the body, mind & spirit. Make sure to take lots of pictures - these moments will bring a smile to your face for years to come.
- Seek out a good divorce counselor/therapist. Talking, by yourself, to a "pro" every now and then is a good way to maintain your sanity.
- See if your spouse will go to couples counseling with you.
- What you do with your ring is completely up to you - sell it, keep it, toss it in the lake.
- Your attorney isn't your friend (unless you hire a friend of course). They are doing their job and at the end of the day it's about the money. The billing clock is ticking whenever you interact with them.
- In the U.S., more divorces are filed in January than any other month. Holidays not go so well??
- According to a study published in the American Law and Economics Review, women currently file slightly more than two-thirds of divorce cases in the United States.
- Divorce is not permitted in some countries, such as in Malta and the Philippines, though an annulment is permitted.
- Divorce is a death. It's the death of your marriage. With death comes the typical 5 stages of grieving: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. I'm not a psychologist or counselor...but from personal experience none are much fun except Acceptance. The amount of time it takes to get to that point is different for everyone. I wish I could offer you a shortcut!
- Don't let stuff you are splitting with your spouse linger around for too long. Box it up, move it out in a reasonable time-frame.
- Don't be hasty about moving out. Check with your attorney. Moving out too early can be a costly mistake in some states.
- If you thought running a marathon was tiring, try enduring a divorce.
- Depending on how long you've been married, being single again may be considerably different than it was before.
- Seems to cost a lot more to end a marriage than to start one. Something's wrong with this scenario.
- Take some time to re-examine your goals. Figure out what you want to accomplish in all areas of your life and go for it. Nothing gets done without action.
- When doing the wash don't mix darks/colors with lights/whites. When in doubt select the cold water option for washing/rinsing.
- Save money by shopping at the dollar store for toiletry items like toothbrushes, tooth paste, shaving cream, dish soap etc.
- Nothing feeds a bunch of hungry kids on the cheap like some pasta. In a large microwave safe serving dish, try layering cooked pasta, jarred sauce and shredded cheese - then microwave for 5 minutes. Mix it up when hot and serve. Add some low fat smoked sausage for extra punch.
- Find inspiration in Life's Little Instruction Books by H. Jackson Brown, Jr. Keep one handy in your bathroom or nightstand.
- Nothing wrong with buying the generic or store brand of things. Typically they work/taste about the same as the name brand and cost less.
- Keep a file of all your divorce paperwork. (not of the circular variety!)
- People may not always ask you how you are doing - but it doesn't mean they aren't thinking about you. If you reach out first, they will follow.
- Every new day is a great opportunity to prepare yourself and your kids for the future.
- Just as a forest fire gives the earth an opportunity for new life, so too shall you be renewed once the flames of your divorce have been put out.
- Put some positive thoughts on post-it's and place them around your computer, at your desk, in your bathroom, in your car. Your Best Days are in Front of You!
- Being a single parent has its own set of challenges. Take things one step at a time and you will get better at it with practice.
- Don't forget to close down all joint accounts you have, change all your passwords and review your credit report for things you may not know about. You want to eliminate the opportunity for any unfortunate surprises.
- Password protect your computer and your cell phone. Pick a password only you will know.
- If the in-laws chime in negatively toward you - just bite your tongue. Negativity gets you nowhere fast. Be the better person.
- One family, two homes is an idea that may help the kids to understand divorce a little better.
- Writing down your frustrations can be a good way to vent. Eventually set them free by shredding or safely burning them.
- Think twice, no three times before you start looking up old girlfriends on Facebook. Stick with good memories and move on to brighter tomorrows.
- When all else fails - punt.
- Make sure you give your attorney all the details. Be honest and forthright, otherwise there's a good chance something will come back later and bite you in the butt!
- Keep your receipts for any stuff you buy. Toss them in a folder or old shoe box. You never know when you might need something. Feel free to "cull the herd" from time to time over the years.
- When you start dating again and you will eventually do so - take your time, make good choices and remember to include your kids in things (at the appropriate time).
- Check out your dresser and clothes closet, you may need to update your look. If your kids are old enough, getting their opinions will provide you with another perspective on current fashion. Who knows, bell bottoms may actually be coming back in style!
- After your divorce is final do your best to maintain as many of your family traditions, with your kids, as possible. If you always buy your Christmas tree a day or two after Thanksgiving, keep doing so. The kids will appreciate the continuity and so will you.
- Superman is a fictional character - remember to ask others for help if you need it. Doing so doesn't mean you are weak, it just means you're human.
- The first time your Ex has the kids overnight and you're left alone, make sure to invite someone over or go someplace to be around others. Keep your mind and body active with positive experiences and interactions.
- Until someone invents a time machine, the only thing we have any chance of controlling is the future.
- Love Life. Cherish every moment.
- Leave things better than you found them.
- Breaking the news to your kids that Mommy and Daddy are getting divorced can be the most difficult thing you've ever done. Rehearse it, keep it simple, don't place blame, don't get too "deep". Try to reply to any questions they have and if you don't know the answer immediately let them know you and mommy are still working to figure things out and will let them know soon. Going out for ice cream as a family afterwards can be a nice way to reinforce your love of family.
- Tell your kids you Love them. Say it often.
- Hug your kids. Hugs are positive reinforcement of your love and commitment to your kids. Plus they feel good!
- During the divorce process ask your kids often how they are doing, if they have any questions or just want to talk. Let them know you will always be there for them and that they can call you anytime when you are not around.
- For younger kids, take the time to let their teachers know about the pending divorce so they can keep an eye on things for you. Talking to their friends parents is also a good idea. Proactively monitoring for changes in your kids behavior is a smart move.
- If you're moving out, have the kids help to pick their new 2nd home and encourage them to do the same if your spouse is the one relocating.
- Apparently you can make 86 different words, 2-7 letters, out of the word "divorce". Fire up the Scrabble game!
- Go to your local coffee house, order your favorite beverage and grab a seat by the window. Just stare out into “space” for awhile.
- Make sure to get a hard copy of your actual finalized and filed divorce judgment. Put it someplace safe.
- Living in the same abode with our soon-to-be Ex during the divorce can be quite stressful. Find your own space and make the best of it. Difficult times build character and demonstrate the kind of dad/man you really are.
- Root canal or divorce? Inquiring minds want to know!
- Is it just a coincidence that the word "Void" can be found inside of "Divorce"? I think not!
- According to Wikipedia - It is estimated that upwards of 95% of divorces in the US are "uncontested," because the two parties are able to come to an agreement without a hearing (either with or without lawyers/mediators/collaborative counsel) about the property, children and support issues.
- If your attorney isn't doing their job - don't hesitate to get a new one - sooner rather than later.
- When determining the parenting time for your kids - take into account their schedules and needs. Consistency is certainly one key.
- The idea that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus may actually be true.
- In most cases, the companies you owe money to - credit cards, utilities, cable service, mobile phone etc really don't care that you may be experiencing a financial hardship due to your divorce. However, letting them know what's happening currently may buy you a little bit of a break. It's worth a shot.
- Having to split your kids time between yourself and your Ex is a major drag. Figure out how to make the best of the time you get to spend with your kids.
- Time, although a constant measure, seems to pass more rapidly the older you get. Cherish every moment you have with your kids. Before you know it, they'll be all grown up.
- If you have kids, figure on a minimum of 6 months to complete a divorce in most states. Most will be longer than that.
- When to start dating is a tough call, slower is probably better. Jumping into something serious too soon can be a recipe for a repeat performance.
- Documenting "at-fault" behavior is a good idea, even if you are in a no-fault state. The information you gather can make a difference in your divorce negotiations.
- Divorce - Ah yes, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. ~Robin Williams
- Roughly 70% of 2nd marriages following a divorce...also end in divorce.
- The spouse that files for divorce is the plaintiff, the other spouse the defendant. This doesn't necessarily reflect what was actually going on in the marriage!
- There are some good books on helping kids cope with divorce. (It’s Not the End of the World by Judy Blume and Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way by M. Gary Neuman are two.) Buy 'em or check 'em out from the library if available. It's your job to make things as painless as possible for your kids.
- Make sure your kids know, without a shadow of a doubt, that the divorce has nothing to do with them. It's not their fault...period!
- Take responsibility for your actions. We're all only human. We all make mistakes. Learn from them and become a better you.
- The sun will continue to rise the mornings after your divorce is final. If she took your alarm...buy yourself a rooster!
- Talk about the opposite of a good time.
- Ecrovid. Ok...so it's not a palindrome.
- D V O R C E - Pat, I'd like to buy a vowel. How about an "I"?
- The butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker. Odds are 2 of the 3 are/have been divorced.
- If your kids are old enough, give them a chores list and an allowance. If they do everything well pay them, if they don't, tell them why and let them try again. Teaching responsibility should not be lost in the confusion of your divorce.
- Enduring a divorce can be like having the Tasmanian Devil rip through your life each and every day. Where's Bugs Bunny when you need him?
- Be prepared, the kids may try to play you and your Ex against one another when it comes to certain decisions.
- Single parenting requires certain skills - juggler, short order cook, endurance trainer, hostage negotiator, taxi driver, triage doctor, extreme maid, precision shopper, homework PhD, and MacGyver wanna be.
- Quick healthy eats beat fast foods. Think pb&j, grilled cheese, low-sugar cereals, fresh fruits & veggies, yogurt, eggs.
- Discuss disagreements with your Ex like an adult. Keep your focus on the kids.
- Some Ex's will do "whatever" to piss you off. Stand your ground. Remember what's most important - your kids!
- Sometimes backwards dinner night is a fun thing to do – let the kids eat dessert before the main meal. Note the key word “sometimes”!
- Sometimes it's just better to agree with your Ex - even though it means biting your tongue.
- Texting can be an effective communication tool - use it wisely.
- Try having a pancake or waffle night with the kids.
- Shave before going to court. The "Don Johnson" look is fine for the weekend but not a good idea when standing in front of a Judge.
- The emptiness you feel when your kids leave with the Ex is as real as it gets. Find something constructive to occupy your mind and time.
- Don't worry about things you think might be true...focus on what you know to be true.
- Spend energy on success, not BS!
- In a divorce, the one that cares the most has the most to lose.
- Most kids love pizza. Dad's too! It can often be a meal lifesaver and leftovers make for a good lunch the next day at school.
- Peace of mind is worth the price of admission.
- No two divorces are the same.
- Now when you do your own grocery shopping, at least you can pick out the stuff you really want.
- Buy a crock pot. Many hearty meals can easily be prepared using it. Look up recipes on the internet.
- Never argue via texting.
- Spend a little extra for the good paper towel brand.
- Buy dress shirts that can be tossed in the dryer rather than needing to be dry cleaned.
- Pick up a can or two of a good carpet stain remover. Oxy Deep Power Shot by Woolite or Spot Shot are two of my favorites.
- Get yourself a decent corkscrew even if you don't drink wine, future guests/dates may. I like the standard winged type - a bonus is they typically have a bottle opener at the top.
- Start a weekly game night with the kids. Board games like Catch Phrase or Apples to Apples are fun. It's a great opportunity to bond and have some family fun. If not board games, then try some family video games. The Wii is great for that. Mix it up.
- The oldest couple to be divorced had a combined age of 196 – the British couple were both 98 when they divorced after 36 years of marriage. Goes to show you it can happen at any age!
- Be known as the "Fun Dad", but be smart about the types of fun.
- Grab a football, frisbee or baseball/softball and toss it around with the kids.
- Encourage your kids to participate in sports. Athletics is a great way to stay active, meet new friends, build self-confidence and self-esteem.
- If your kids are still in diapers, buy them in bulk from Costco or Sam's Warehouse. Also, if you don't have a diaper genie disposal contraption, pick one up.
- Sad days will pass.
- Toss “normal” out the window. A new definition will be a work in process.
- Kids want cell phones at much younger ages these days. When is right for you and your kids is up to you (I think 6th grade can be a reasonable age). Being able to stay in touch with them is nice – but prepare for the texting onslaught. Kids just love to text message. Think about establishing rules such as no texting after a certain time of day etc. Making kids responsible for their phone and its usage is important. Remember, lost or damaged phones can cost extra $$$ - think about opting in for the insurance.
- When you are in situations with your attorney such as court appearances, mediation etc. keep your mouth shut and only answer what is asked of you. Babbling on about something isn’t a good idea. Let your attorney do their job. These situations can be extra stressful – try to keep your emotions in check.
- Kids (and you) need to eat, so remember to go grocery shopping on a regular basis. Make a list before you go and check out the in-store flyer for specials. If you don’t have time and can afford it, hire someone to do your shopping for you or in some cities you can do it online and have it delivered.
- Learn from your divorce, so if you do get married again you can be a better spouse the next time around.
- Opt for the unlimited family texting plan.
- Make a list of your kids important contact #’s and post it on the fridge – doctor, dentist, school, daycare, friend’s parents, hospital, urgent care facility etc.
- Buy all the fixings for a sundae bar extravaganza at home – ice cream, sprinkles, chopped nuts, cherries, chocolate and caramel sauce, whip cream, M&M’s, bananas, etc.
- Remember to celebrate your kids good grades and other school related achievements.
- Homework needs to get done whether the kids are with you or with the Ex. It’s much easier to help remotely if you have a copy of the work assignment. If needed, have a well lit picture texted over to you.
- Keep an eye on the kinds of programs your kids watch on TV – there’s a lot of crap out there.
- Monitor your kids internet surfing. Young eyes can quickly find content they shouldn’t be looking at.
- Find some charity or cause you believe in and volunteer with your kids to help others.
- Imagine something bigger and better for your future. Stretch your expectations.
- Managing clothes wardrobes between separate homes can be tricky – especially with girls. Encourage the kids to bring/take what they need with them, but be prepared for some untimely road-trips.
- Differences of opinion tend to get magnified during the divorce process. It’s the nature of the beast.
- Shock and Awe, not just for Desert Storm any more!
- Chances are neither you nor your Ex will be 100% happy with the final divorce judgment.
- If you have kids, the typical divorce judgment involves 3 major components – Child Custody, Child Support and Assets Split.
- Take a drive in the country with no particular destination in mind. It’s a great way to unwind.
- Go fly a kite! (Literally) Hit the local park, beach or schoolyard and let ‘er fly. Live vicariously through the freedom the kite experiences up in the wind!
- Have you done anything for yourself lately?
- Traveling with the kids as a single parent requires early planning, follow-up and some luck. Make your list, check it often and prepare for the mad rush at the end to get out the door. Your “get out of jail free card” is that a Walmart or similar store probably isn’t too far away from your destination, so you can pick up missing items.
- Be true to yourself and your values.
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