PERPETUAL CASINO
by Darryl Hicks
Published by Darryl Hicks at Smashwords
Copyright 2010 Darryl Hicks
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
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Perpetual Casino
Fred was a struggling eBook writer. His copyright fees and his blog fees exceeded his earnings from eBook sales.
In a River City casino hotel room, Fred was working on a new short story, which he planned to release for free to spur sales of his original eBook. The copyright fees for the eShort wouldn’t be free, however. The last time Fred released a free eShort, he sold more eBooks, but not enough eBooks to cover the copyright fee of the free eShort.
Fred’s account balance hadn’t yet reached the minimum threshold for royalty payments, thus Fred had earned exactly nothing during his writing career, despite selling some eBooks. Fred wondered how many free eShort copyright fees he’d have to pay to spur enough eBook sales to get his first royalty payment from the eBook company.
The finances of Fred’s writing career were on the other side of the balance sheet than Fred imagined. Of course what he imagined was loyalty payments flowing steadily in and how rich he’d be when that happened.
Fred’s free eShorts had interesting download stats. Most of the downloads occurred on week days, during daytime hours. Fred wondered if this meant his target audience was unemployed people.
#@#@#@#@
Flo was swimming in the outdoor pool of the Lucky Lady casino hotel. Her room was fully comped by the hotel, a gift from grandpa Dean, the casino’s assistant manager. It was 2 weeks after Flo chased her mom’s kidnappers to Yellowtown and a week after Flo herself was kidnapped. It was also 2 weeks after Flo killed a female Maddox Maimer named Swish (and Swish’s boyfriend), in the Yellowtown indoor shopping mall.
Flo was thinking how nice it was to be away from the violence of Yellowtown when her room window blew out from an explosion. Flo quickly ducked under water to avoid shards of glass and chunks of concrete.
Flo’s leather flight jacket floated to a soft landing on the surface of the pool. From her underwater hiding place, Flo could see that the jacket’s inner lining was gone.
#@#@#@#@
Instead of actually working on his short story, Fred was playing computerized chess at beginner level and gloating about his easy victories. Suddenly, Fred heard a loud noise in the next room and the intervening wall disintegrated.
#@#@#@#@
Fred excavated himself from a cocoon of plasterboard. Luckily, the blast was strongest over towards the windows. Fred was on the bed closest to the bathroom, so he escaped the full fury of the blast.
If Fred had been an ordinary tourist, he would’ve panicked and ran from his room. Fred was a writer, however. He knew that inspiration was a fleeting thing and it was best to write when inspiration struck. Fred minimized the chess game and started the word processor.
#@#@#@#@
Flo lugged the wet leather jacket out of the pool. She surveyed the pool area. Charred bits of her clothing were scattered all around the pool deck.
#@#@#@#@
When security opened Fred’s room, they found Fred typing on his word processor.
Fred’s screen said: ‘plot idea – exploding hotel room’.
#@#@#@#@
Dean was standing on the pool deck, looking up at a jagged hole that was formerly the sliding glass door and patio of room 201.
Flo walked up to Dean and said, “Hey grandpa.”
“There you are,” said Dean.
Then, into a radio Dean said, “The guest is down here on the pool deck with me.”
#@#@#@#@
Fred and casino manager Todd were talking in the hall.
Fred said, “I’m ok, really. Better than ok, actually. The blast cured my writer’s block. I just want to go somewhere and pound on my word processor. Right now, I’ve got like a thousand words in me, just bursting to get out.”
Todd said, “No problem. We’re comping you a suite.”
“Don’t need a suite,” said Fred. “Any place where I can use my portable computer would be fine.”
“In that case, you’re saving me some bucks, so here …”
Todd fished in his pocket, then pulled out 2 high denomination casino chips and a half ounce of red pot. Fred quickly grabbed the items from Todd’s hands.
“Thanks,” said Fred.
The chips disappeared into one of Fred’s pockets, but Fred kept the bag in his hands.
“That’s my personal stash, there,” said Todd.
Fred looked at the bag and said, “Hmmm, it’s like totally red.”
“The grower said it descended from Panama Red seeds from the 1970’s, but I think he was putting me on. Certainly gets you bombed, though.”
#@#@#@#@
Flo and Dean met Todd on the 2nd floor.
Todd said, “This is Fred, from 203.”
Dean said, “Hey Fred. Did you hear anything in 201 before the blast?”
“Yes,” said Fred, “but I doubt it will help. I heard somebody whistling an old folk song. You know, ‘hang down your head Tom Dooley, hang down your head and cry’ … ”
#@#@#@#@
Fireman Dan came out of 201. Dan said, “The fire is out now.”
“What happened?” asked Dean.
Dan said, “Somebody put a bomb on a comfy chair and piled the guest’s clothes on the chair. When the bomb went off, the patio door shattered and the guest’s clothes were blown out with the glass from the door.”
“And my wall fell down,” said Fred.
#@#@#@#@
Dan, Dean, Todd, and Flo went into the front part of room 201. There was no longer a back part of 201.
Dan led them into the bathroom. They crowded together and stared at the word painted in pink nail polish below the rim in the bathtub. The word was, ‘SWISH’.
Flo said, “That was the nickname of the woman I killed in Yellowtown 2 weeks ago.”
#@#@#@#@
Back out in the hall again, Flo called Jade.
Jade answered with, “Hey Flo. How’s my favorite kidnap victim?”
“Somebody bombed my room in River City.”
“No shit.”
“And, he wrote ‘SHISH’ on my bathtub in fingernail polish.”
“Let me guess,” said Jade. “The color was pink.”
“Yes, that was the weird thing. I had red and black, but no pink. The bomber brought his own fingernail polish.”
“Are you missing a pair of shoes?”
“I’m missing my entire wardrobe,” said Flo. “The bomb blew my stuff all over hell, down on the pool deck. The arson guy is confiscating everything as evidence. I’ve got my pool garb, that’s it.”
“Did the bomber enter through a small space?”
“Yes, he came through a vent.”
“Dooley,” said Jade.
“What?”
“Your bomber is a short skinny guy named Dooley. He’s a hard-core Maddox Maimer who loves explosives.”
“Is Dooley a real name or nickname?” asked Flo.
“Nickname.”
“Why do you call him Dooley?”
“You’d know if you ever meet him.”
#@#@#@#@
It was afterhours for the casino boutique. Misty opened the boutique especially for Flo.
Flo said, “Thanks for doing this, grandma.”
“No problem,” said Misty. “Just grab anything you want. My treat.”
“I just need underwear, jeans, and some tops.”
“You’ll need a dress for your father’s wedding.”
Flo groaned.
#@#@#@#@
Flo came out of the dressing room, wearing one of the dresses Misty selected.
“What do you think?” asked Flo.
“That dress is you,” said Misty.
Flo twirled in front of a mirror.
“I guess it’s ok,” said Flo, finally.
“Better than that soggy leather thing,” said Misty, pointing at Flo’s flight jacket on the floor.
“The explosion blew it in the pool,” replied Flo. “I don’t know what to do with it. The leather’s going to be all nasty when it finally dries.”
“Leave it with me. I’ll have my tailor look at it.”
“It’s not even my jacket. Sheila loaned it to me. I feel guilty for ruining the thing.”
“It’s not ruined. My tailor can do wonders.”
“The lining was torn out by the blast. Can your tailor fix that?”
Misty picked up the flight jacket and examined the inside. Then, she held it open, showing it to Flo.
Misty said, “You’re wrong about the lining. The cuts are straight. An explosion would’ve left a jagged edge.”
Flo could see where the lining used to be. Straight edged remnants of the lining remained.
“I see,” said Flo. “That explains why I couldn’t find the turkey baster. Somebody took it before the explosion.”
“Sorry you lost Nana’s turkey baster. I know your mom felt bad after she lost it.”
“It’s ok, really. I inseminated 2 women in Yellowtown and let me tell you, I won’t be missing THAT part of baster ownership.”
#@#@#@#@
Flo went down to the seafood restaurant for a family dinner. Mike stood up and formerly introduced his bride to be.
“Flo, this is Mona,” said Mike.
“Hi,” said Flo.
Mona said, “Pleased to meet you Flo. That’s a nice dress.”
“Thanks Mona,” said Flo.
“Call me ‘mom’,” said Mona.
Flo sat down, looked at her little brother, and said, “Do you call her ‘mom’?”
Steve shrugged and said, “I have issues, but yes, sometimes I call Mona ‘mom’.”
Flo turned to Mike and said, “Grandma told me Mona is 24. She was only 10 when I was born.”
Mike said, “You were born on a spaceship and you incurred a year of time warp after your birth, so Mona was actually 9 when you were born.”
“Even better,” said Flo sarcastically.
#@#@#@#@
All through dinner, Flo visualized stabbing Mona with various pieces of silverware. During dessert, Flo was congratulating herself for refraining from acting on her stabbing fantasies.
Mona announced, “You guys are free to do guy stuff. Flo and I are taking a little walk on the boardwalk together, just us girls.”
Flo almost choked on her strawberry cheesecake.
#@#@#@#@
Flo and Mona talked about everything except the family situation. In spite of her misgivings, Flo was actually starting to like Mona.
They came to a sleazy bar, where women stripped for sleazy men. A short skinny man approached Mona and said, “Hey baby, what’s happenin’?”
“Just struttin’ my stuff,” said Mona.
“Well, strut your stuff in here,” said the man. “You’ll make big money here, guaranteed.”
As he talked, the man’s eyes drifted down Mona’s body.
“My face is up here,” said Mona.
“Just checkin’ out your feet, babe. They’re fabulous. And, pink toenail polish! My favorite!”
“You really like my feet?”
“Sure babe. Would you mind taking off your shoes for me?”
Mona took off her sandals and stood barefoot, holding the sandals in one hand.
The short skinny guy hung his head down and stared at Mona’s feet. He moaned. A tear dribbled down his cheek.
Flo had the sudden impulse to whistle the folk song Fred mentioned. She thought to herself, ‘Dooley!’
Coming out of her reverie, Flo said, “Don’t encourage this feet fetish creep. Come on mom.”
Flo grabbed Mona’s free hand and pulled the woman down the boardwalk, back towards their hotel.
#@#@#@#@
A ways past the sleazy bar, they approached a bus bench.
Mona said, “Wait! Wait! I want to put on my sandals.”
Mona sat on the bus bench, but instead of putting on her sandals, Mona said, “You called me ‘mom’.”
“What?” said Flo.
“After the ‘foot fetish creep’ part, you said ‘come on mom’.”
“He’s my bomber. I needed to get you out of there.”
“How do you know he’s your bomber?”
“I’ll tell you later. For now, just hurry up with your fucking sandals, mom.”
“Such language.”
“Mom!”
“Ok, ok, putting on my sandals here boss.”
#@#@#@#@
Near the hotel, Flo said, “I can’t believe you took off your shoes for a foot fetishist.”
“It was harmless,” said Mona.
“Well, try to stay fully clothed for a moment. I need to call somebody.”
#@#@#@#@
Jade answered with, “Hey Flo. What’s up?”
“I found Dooley.”
“That was fast.”
“He’s a shill for a sleazy River City strip joint,” said Flo.
“How did you find him?”
“He seduced mom’s feet.”
“I thought your mom was in Yellowtown.”
“She is. My parents got a quickie divorce. Now dad is marrying somebody else. My new mom took off her shoes for a short skinny guy. He hung down his head and cried.”
“Definitely Dooley,” said Jade.
#@#@#@#@
Flo woke to the phone in her hotel room. She answered with a sleepy, “Hello?”
Dean said, “It’s grandpa. Sorry I woke you, but we captured 3 Maddox Maimers lurking around the hotel. They say they’re your friends.”
Flo said, “The only Maimers I know are Jade and Lucy, but they’re in Yellowtown.”
“Well, Jade and Lucy are here now, with a guy named Randy.”
“Where’s ‘here’?”
“My office.”
“Where’s that?”
“Grab a bellhop at the front desk. He’ll take you here.”
#@#@#@#@
As per usual, the poorly ventilated casino office was engulfed in pot smoke. Todd, Dean, and Randy were passing 3 joints back and forth.
Flo said, “You each have a joint. Why are passing them?”
Todd exhaled and said, “They’re 3 different strains of pot.”
“Makes perfect sense,” replied Flo. “I bet you don’t even know which is which now.”
Todd waved a joint and said, “This is Randy’s purple pot.”
Randy said, “I’ve got Dean’s gold.”
Dean said, “I’ve got Todd’s red.”
Lucy shook her head and said, “Pot smokers …”
#@#@#@#@
Jade hugged Flo and said, “We’re pregnant!”
“Of course you are,” said Flo. “I told you, the turkey baster never fails to deliver. It’s sort of like the motto for the post office.”
#@#@#@#@
Lucy said, “We drove here in my car. We made Randy smoke his pot in the back seat, behind the plexiglas screen.”
“Great trip,” said Randy. “Killer restaurant in downtown Gilford.”
Todd said, “When I was young, that restaurant was the only civilization for miles around and ‘downtown’ was where the road forded Gil Creek.”
Jade said, “Now the road is a 4-lane, with a tall bridge over a tiny creek.”
“The creek isn’t so tiny when it rains,” said Todd.
“It rains here?” said Randy. “Did I maybe miss it when I was sleeping?”
The locals assured Randy that it would rain longer than he could possibly sleep.
#@#@#@#@
Writer Fred was at an all-night diner. The dregs of his ‘he-man breakfast’ were pushed off to the side. The dregs included his egg yokes, half a pancake, and a funky tasting sausage.
Fred’s short story stalled at 2200 words. He was on his portable computer, waiting for inspiration, meanwhile staring at the end of what he had written so far.
‘I need some action here,’ Fred thought to himself.
Still no inspiration. Fred lit up some red and proceeded to get baked.
Waitress Alice came over and said, “You can’t smoke your weed in here.”
Fred said, “It’s not mine, some guy gave it to me.”
“Relax,” said Alice, “it’s legal in River City. We just have a ‘no smoking’ policy, here in the diner.”
Fred scanned the diner. The only other patron was a drunk, sleeping in a corner booth.
“Sorry I’m offending your other customers,” he said.
Alice laughed and said, “Well actually our night shift policy is ‘no smoking weed without sharing with the staff’.”
#@#@#@#@
Fred, Alice, and the cook were having a grand time smoking Todd’s red weed. Fred’s booth was engulfed in weed smoke.
Suddenly, there was an explosion. Across the street, the windows of a building blew out. Smoke poured out of the window frames. The front door opened and smoke poured out of that, too. Out of the smoke ran 2 men, a big burly guy carrying 2 heavy sacks and a short skinny guy carrying a pair of high heel pumps.
#@#@#@#@
In the perpetually smoky casino office, Lucy said, “We need to find where Dooley keeps his trophies.”
“You mean like bowling trophies?” said Dean.
“Not exactly,” said Lucy.
“Dooley steals a pair of woman’s shoes from every crime scene,” said Jade.
#@#@#@#@
Todd answered his desk phone with, “Lucky Lady Casino, Todd speaking.”
Fireman Dan said, “Your bomber just struck again.”
“Is a pair of woman’s shoes missing?” asked Todd.
“Funny you should ask that,” said Dan. “I’ve got 3 stoned witnesses who swear they saw a short skinny guy running away carrying a pair of high heel pumps.”
#@#@#@#@
Dean called Jeff, in Philville. As chief financial officer (CFO) for the family business, Jeff worked closely with father Phil, the first and only Mayor of Philville. The family business was bribery and Jeff was especially skilled in fattening the family slush fund, after years of working as the bag man for his father.
Night was arbitrary on Perpetual Twilight, since the planet didn’t rotate. Perpetual Twilight didn’t have time zones. When it was arbitrarily ‘night’, it was nighttime everywhere on the planet.
Jeff answered his home phone with a groggy, “Jeff here.”
“Hey Jeff, it’s Dean.”
“Don’t you casino guys ever sleep?”
“Sorry to wake you, but I’m up to my ass in Maddox Maimers, here,” said Dean.
“I suppose they’ll be in Philville next,” replied Jeff.
“I need that woman from the crew of the Maimer spaceship. I heard she’s living in Philville somewhere.”
“Marcie.”
“Right. I knew that.”
“Ah huh. I’d be surprised if you knew YOUR name, working with Todd.”
“It’s not that bad. The casino office actually aired out completely for a whole half hour a couple of years ago.”
Jeff didn’t answer right away. Dean heard Jeff and a woman talking.
Finally, a woman’s voice said, “This is Marcie. Who’s this?”
“I’m Dean, assistant manager of the Lucky Lady Casino, in River City. Sorry to bother you. I didn’t know you were with Jeff.”
“No big deal,” said Marcie. “Jeff’s wife is shagging some guy named Sal in Yellowtown, so we’re not being abnormally discrete or anything.”
“I’ve got a Maddox Maimer problem, here. There was a bombing at my casino. We think a Maimer named Dooley did it.”
“Dooley is a creepy pervert. He was always starting fires on the spaceship. I’m not surprised he’s a bomber.”
“There’s also a lesbian couple and a stoner dude who offered to help catch Dooley,” said Dean. “They claim to be moderate Maimers.”
“That sounds like Jade, Lucy, and Randy.”
“Right. Are they trustworthy?”
“Sure,” said Marcie, “they’re ok. Their gang has a rift, moderates against the hard-core Maimers. Lucy is the leader of the moderates.”
“I need you here like yesterday,” said Dean. “Will you come to River City?”
“Wait one.”
Dean heard Jeff and Marcie talking some more.
Jeff came on the line and said, “What exactly are you proposing regarding Marcie?”
“I want to hire Marcie as a security consultant for the casino,” said Dean. “It’ll be good pay and full per diem.”
#@#@#@#@
Jade went with Flo to Flo’s hotel room.
Flo said, “This talk about another bomb scares me.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll guard you,” said Jade.
Jade drew her gun and accidently shot one of the beds.
“I feel safer already,” said Flo.
#@#@#@#@
Todd, Lucy, and Randy met with fireman Dan. Todd introduced Lucy and Randy as members of his casino security force.
Dan said, “The bomb exploded in an OTB.”
“You mean an off track betting facility for guys who like the ponies?” asked Lucy.
“Right,” said Dan.
“The Taylorburg track had a sweepstakes race yesterday,” said Todd. “There was lot’s of betting action yesterday.”
Dan nodded and said, “The manager said they had a good day.”
“What blew up?” asked Randy.
“The safe,” said Dan. “It was no vault by any means, but it was a pretty good safe. The bomber cracked it with surgical precision. Whoever did this knew exactly how to open a safe with explosives.”
#@#@#@#@
Inside the diner, a young firewoman said, “I’m Suzie. Dan radioed you were coming.”
Todd introduced Lucy and Randy.
“The stoners are over there,” said Suzie, pointing at 2 guys and a woman in a booth by the window.
Then, Suzie pointed to another woman and said, “That’s the manager of the OTB.”
The OTB manager was sitting as far away from the stoners as possible.
#@#@#@#@
Connie the OTB manager said, “I can’t believe the bastard stole my Manolo pumps. They were special order from Earth. Took years to arrive, costed big bucks.”
“The bomber is a foot fetishist,” said Randy.
“He takes shoes for trophies,” said Lucy. “Something like a pair of Manolos would be a prize trophy for him.”
“Why did you keep your expensive shoes in the OTB?” asked Todd.
“Obviously you’ve never walked the boardwalk in heels,” said Connie.
#@#@#@#@
Lucy and Suzie talked near the restrooms.
“Do you know the bomber?” asked Suzie.
Lucy nodded and said, “Randy and I knew him on Earth.”
“I don’t suppose you know where we can find him.”
“As a matter of fact, we do. We know where he works.”
“Well let’s go arrest his ass,” said Suzie.
“We’re working on a plan for that. Are you willing to help?”
“Damn straight. I’d love to help arrest this creep.”
“That’s good,” said Lucy. “We’ve got a special role for you.”
“What?”
“How do you feel about wearing pink toenail polish?”
#@#@#@#@
Todd and Randy interviewed the stoners.
Todd said to Fred, “So we meet again.”
Fred said, “Hey casino guy. Thanks for the weed.”
“That red shit is awesome,” said Alice.
“My purple weed is better,” said Randy.
“No way,” said Alice.
Randy quickly lit and circulated a couple of purple numbers. A smoky haze hung over the booth. Eventually, the story about the explosion came out.
Alice said, “Two guys came running out of the bomb smoke. One guy was like a wrestler, big and muscular. He carried 2 heavy bags, which I assume were full of money.”
Fred said, “The other guy was very short and he carried a pair of high heel shoes, one in each hand.”
“You’re sure he was carrying high heels?” asked Todd.
Fred nodded and said, “Yes, I’m sure. When he went by the window, he brought one shoe up to his nose and sniffed inside.”
“That’s what happened,” said the cook, “I saw it too. The guy was definitely sniffing a woman’s high heel shoe.”
“Anything else?” asked Todd.
“The short guy was also freakishly thin,” said Alice.
“He’s on the heroin diet plan,” said Randy.
#@#@#@#@
Randy reached in his backpack and pulled out several quarter ounce bags of purple weed. He gave a bag each to Fred, Alice, and the cook.
Fred plopped his bigger bag of red next to Randy’s offering and said, “Casino guy gave me twice as much red.”
Randy distributed another quarter ounce bag to Fred, Alice, and the cook. Then when Todd signaled with a come-on gesture, Randy also tossed a bag in Todd’s direction.
“You guys are killing me,” said Randy.
“I’ve got you covered,” said Todd, as he tossed a couple of high domination casino chips in Randy’s direction.
Then when Fred, Alice, and the cook signaled with a come-on gesture, Todd tossed 2 chips to them, also.
“Don’t spend it all in one place,” said Todd, a little casino humor there.
Todd knew the chips could only be used in his Lucky Lady Casino, so the chips would actually be spent all in one place, for sure.
#@#@#@#@
Fred was amazed he could sleep after so much weed intake. There were no dreams, not even a moment of REM sleep.
Fred woke up hungry and still partially high. After finishing the half smoked number he found in the ash tray, Fred wandered downstairs.
Fred wasn’t much of a gambler. He went to the casino cashier and converted his 4 high denomination chips to a casino debit card the cashier loaded. The debit card was good everywhere in River City and most places elsewhere on the planet.
#@#@#@#@
Fred was eating the lunch special at a sleazy stripper bar named the ‘Pink Toenail’. The waitress already swiped Fred’s casino debit card once and she noticed the card’s sizable balance printed on the receipt.
Armed with the waitress’s tip that the guy eating the lunch special had a fat balance on a casino debit card, dancer Delilah approached Fred.
“Can I sit with you?” asked Delilah.
“If you don’t mind watching me eat,” said Fred.
“I like watching guys eat,” said Delilah, as she sat next to Fred.
“Hi, I’m Fred.”
“I’m Delilah. Would you mind donating to the jukebox fund?”
Strippers had to pay the jukebox to play the songs they wanted to dance to. Asking for jukebox money was a standard opener for strippers cruising the tables.
Fred produced a 10 buck note. Delilah made it disappear.
#@#@#@#@
Fred said, “I witnessed a bombing at an OTB last night.”
“Oh?” said Delilah. “Do you like the ponies?”
“I’d love to try riding a horse,” replied Fred.
“Well, lucky you. I’ve got horse rides for sale.”
“Where are the horse rides?”
“Here,” said Delilah.
“Is your stable nearby?”
“Sure honey. How about you buy us each a horse ride and we’ll go to my stable.”
“Ok.”
Fred produced his casino debit card. Delilah used a portable card reader to make the card’s balance disappear.
#@#@#@#@
The bar tables had long draping tablecloths. Delilah was under the table. For a moment, Fred didn’t understand what she was doing under there, then he quickly ran Delilah’s conversation back through his brain.
Fred was wearing shorts and sandals. Delilah wrapped a rubber hose around Fred’s ankle and synched it up tight. Fred felt a pinch between his toes, then Delilah released the rubber hose.
#@#@#@#@
A fire raced up Fred’s leg and spread everywhere.
Delilah said, “Come on, dude, you can’t nod off here.”
Delilah helped Fred to his feet and propelled him towards the back door.
#@#@#@#@
Barefoot firewoman Suzie wore pink shorts and a pink halter top. Her toenails glistened with freshly applied pink polish.
Dooley said, “You’re lookin’ mighty fine, babe.”
“Are you hiring dancers?” asked Suzie.
“Always. Let me check you out.”
Dooley hung down his head and stared at Suzie’s bare feet. A tear dribbled down his cheek.
That was the signal to execute the search warrant. A law enforcement task force descended on the Pink Toenail Bar & Grill.
#@#@#@#@
Fred and Delilah slipped through the posse charging towards the back door. Delilah brought Fred to a nearby off-boardwalk apartment.
Delilah stripped Fred and threw him on the bed. Fred landed on a hard object. He picked it up and found it to be a woman’s high heel shoe. ‘Manolo’ was printed the shoe’s sole. Fred tossed the Manolo on the floor.
Delilah finished stripping and joined Fred in the bed.
“You’re beautiful,” said Fred.
“And talented,” said Delilah, feeling her horse, big time.
Delilah launched a skillful sexual assault. Superman Fred was up for the duration of Delilah’s delightful antics. Delilah rode Fred hard and put him away wet.
#@#@#@#@
Dooley had a sixth sense for trouble. He pushed Suzie down and sprinted through the front door of the stripper bar.
#@#@#@#@
The law enforcement posse locked the Pink Toenail down tight. No Dooley, no significant money, and no Manolo shoes.
In the front bouncer cubicle, Lucy found Dooley’s escape hatch. Several doubted Dooley escaped via that tiny hole. Petite Suzie tried to squeeze through, but she was too well endowed to pull her chest through without serious scraping.
Somebody brought a crowbar. They worked on enlarging Dooley’s escape hatch.
#@#@#@#@
Dooley entered the apartment and made a beeline for his precious Manolo shoes. Dooley stopped short when he found sweaty Delilah and equally sweaty Fred nodding off on the bed.
Dooley woke up Delilah and said, “Who’s this turd?”
“Just some john,” said Delilah.
Naked Delilah helped Dooley drag naked Fred out of the apartment. Fred quickly nodded off again in the hall.
#@#@#@#@
Delilah came out with Fred’s clothes. This time, she was wearing a robe.
Fred woke to Delilah slapping his cheek.
“What?” said Fred.
“Time to go,” said Delilah.
Delilah helped Fred dress, then pushed him down the hall. Fred exited the apartment building, then somehow found the boardwalk.
#@#@#@#@
Dan and Todd watched the stripper bar surveillance video.
Dan said, “Look, there’s your boy, the stoner writer.”
“I’m not sure he was a stoner before I gave him pot,” said Todd.
“You’re a bad influence, dude.”
“Everybody tells me that.”
#@#@#@#@
Fred was nodding off in his hotel room bathtub when a commotion in the bathroom woke him up. Fred opened his eyes and witnessed a semicircle of law enforcement officers pointing guns towards the bathtub.
#@#@#@#@
Suzie checked Fred’s eyes and pronounced, “He’s riding his horse.”
Fred said, “I saw a Manolo shoe. I thought it was a big coincidence, since that OTB lady was moaning about losing a pair of Manolos last night.”
“Where was the shoe?” asked Randy.
“Delilah’s apartment,” said Fred.
“Who’s Delilah?” asked Dan.
“Dancer and hooker,” said Fred.
“Tell us about the shoe,” said Lucy.
“The Manolo was on the bed. I threw it on the floor.”
Everybody in the room imagined Dooley in bed with a Manolo pump. It was a disgusting image.
#@#@#@#@
Amazingly, Fred was able to retrace his steps back to Delilah’s apartment. There were some missteps, however.
At one point Todd said, “I can’t believe our best lead is a writer who graduated to smack on his second day of doing drugs.”
“I wonder how his book is coming,” said Dan.
Todd shrugged and said, “If he’s got writer’s block after all of this, he’s a shitty writer.”
#@#@#@#@
They broke open the apartment door. Delilah was laying on the bed, breathing shallowly. Suzie checked Delilah’s vitals, then immediately called an ambulance.
Dooley and the Manolos were gone. An exhaustive search of the apartment would eventually uncover the fleece lining from Flo’s flight jacket, with one pocket containing the turkey baster and the other pocket containing a pair of Flo’s shoes. There were also other shoes that would eventually be linked to old unsolved bombing crimes on Earth.
Dooley’s trophies were bagged, tagged, and confiscated as evidence.
#@#@#@#@
When Jeff asked Sheila to shuttle Marcie and him to River City, Sheila called Jane and they both brought their husbands. Thus, when Flo went to the chapel for her father’s wedding, Flo found herself surrounded by several of her Philville neighbors.
“I thought this was just a family thing,” said Flo.
“Sorry about crashing the wedding,” said Jane.
“Mike is an old flame for both of us,” said Sheila. “We just had to see him get married again.”
“How come dad didn’t marry one of you?” asked Flo.
“It’s a long story,” said Jane.
“I’d love to hear it,” said Flo.
Sheila said, “Well, let me tell you, Mike was going to choose me, for sure, but …”
Jane interrupted with, “Mike was first and always my boyfriend. We played doctor when we were children on a spaceship.”
The story was indeed long, but Flo didn’t mind. Flo preferred talking with Jane and Sheila instead of talking with future mother-in-law Mona.
#@#@#@#@
They were going to dispense with the ‘best man’ and ‘maid of honor’, but when the surprise guests showed up, Mike asked Jake to be his best man. Jake was Jane’s husband. The story of how Jake married Jane was part of the same story of Mike not marrying Jane nor Sheila in the first place.
Mona was suddenly in dire need of a maid of honor. Unfortunately, Mona wasn’t exactly swamped with offers from the other wedding attendees, who were all Mike’s friends and relatives, except for Mona’s mother and 2 guys in suits nobody knew.
Jade said she always wanted to be somebody’s maid of honor. Mona happily accepted Jade’s offer. Mona and Jade hugged and were soon yakking like old girlfriends.
#@#@#@#@
Mona was wearing a white dress, with a mid-calf hemline. She wore open toe white shoes, with a modest 2 inch heel.
The wedding party lined up, Jake, Mike, Mona, Jade. A lay preacher began uttering a pseudo-religious monolog about the sanctity of marriage.
Suddenly, Dooley ran in and started kissing Mona’s toes. Mona tried to wriggle free.
During the ensuing chaos, the 2 guys in suits grabbed Mike and Jake.
One suit said, “Jake and Mike, you’re under arrest for election fraud on Earth.”
Jade drew her Glock and sprayed bullets everywhere. Only the preacher was hit.
#@#@#@#@
As Jade paused to reload a new clip, she surveyed the room. Enigma Dooley was once again gone. Everybody else was hiding behind something or cowering on the floor. Jade jacked a shell into the chamber. Nobody dared move.
Jade said, “You guys in the suits, stay down, or I swear I won’t miss next time.”
Mike, Jake, and the wedding guests subdued the suits. Dean called for casino security, but there was no need to call, they were already on the way, responding to the gunshots.
#@#@#@#@
After the wedding chapel shootout, firewoman Suzie chased Dooley down the boardwalk. Meanwhile, she called for backup, using her portable radio. Many nearby officers joined in pursuit of Dooley.
They chased Dooley to the end of the boardwalk, where it overhung Taylor River. Dooley dangled a pair of woman’s high heel shoes over the railing, above the fast flowing river below the overhang. The officers formed a semicircle around Dooley.
Dooley said, “I’ll drop the shoes. Don’t make me do it.”
“Step away from the Manolos!” yelled Suzie.
Dooley dropped the shoes into the river. Then, he stepped away from the railing.
Six guys grabbed Dooley. There would no escape for Dooley this time.
#@#@#@#@
Dan and Suzie stood at the railing at the end of the boardwalk. They looked down into the fast flowing river.
The Manolos were long gone.
Suzie said, “I always wanted to tell somebody to step away from something.”
“Perhaps not the ideal moment for that,” said Dan.
#@#@#@#@
When Delilah woke up in a hospital room, Fred was nodding off in her guest chair. Delilah prodded him in the knee.
Fred woke up and said, “Hey girl.”
“Hey,” said Delilah.
“Glad to see you awake,” said Fred.
“What happened to me?”
“Dooley gave you a hot shot. You were od-ing on horse when we broke down your apartment door.”
“So, the bastard tried to kill me.”
Fred nodded and said, “Maybe he thought you wanted his precious Manolo shoes.”
“After he came in them? No way. Ugh!”
#@#@#@#@
Delilah said, “What’s your name, honey?”
“Fred.”
“Where’s home, Fred?”
“I live in Johome. It’s 3 valleys east and a little south of central trail.”
“I know where it is. I grew up in Twin Lakes.”
Twin Lakes was east of Johome, in the same valley.
“Small world,” said Fred.
“Yes, well here’s the deal Fred, I was wondering if you’d like to do a bit of traveling with me.”
“I could extend my vacation. When would we go?”
“Now, but first would you mind doing me a teensy favor?”
#@#@#@#@
Delilah’s doorframe was broken. Fred ignored the crime scene warnings and entered Delilah’s apartment.
Fred unscrewed the bedroom cable outlet’s face plate. Below the face plate opening, Fred found a plastic bag taped to the inside of the wall.
Inside the plastic bag was a business card for a storage facility and a security card. On the back of the business card, the numbers ‘147’ were written.
#@#@#@#@
When Dooley confessed to leaving the OTB money in storage locker 147, a law enforcement posse descended on the storage facility, with warrants. Locker 147 was empty.
The video surveillance showed Fred rolling a wheeled duffle bag out of locker 147. When he passed the security camera, Fred waved and winked.
#@#@#@#@
The casino’s preacher only had a flesh wound, but it hurt like hell. After emergency treatment, the preacher went home and enthusiastically took his pain meds.
Since the casino’s wedding chapel was under repair after Jade’s automatic weapon assault, Mike and Mona changed the venue of their wedding. At random, they picked a wedding chapel with a Janus Joplin theme. The lady preacher sang Joplin’s signature hit, substituting the bride and groom names. It was quite nice, although ‘Mike and Mona McGee’ made no actual sense.
Mike and Mona eventually said, ‘I do’.
#@#@#@#@
Flo returned to Philville with Steve, Mike, and Mona. Flo and Mona got along fine, although Mona seemed more like an older sister than a mom.
The casino insurance policy bought Flo a new wardrobe, thus Flo had lots of new clothes to show off when she started her sophomore year of high school.
#@#@#@#@
The story about Dooley’s shoes had long legs. Every so often there’d be an inquiry from Earth about a pair of Dooley’s shoes. With all the focus on the shoes, the turkey baster fell through the cracks.
The turkey baster became lost in the system. When Flo petitioned for the return of the turkey baster, nobody could find it.
#@#@#@#@
A week after the wedding, Shasta signed for a package from the Lucky Lady casino. The package was addressed to Shasta’s mom Sheila, but Shasta opened the package anyway. Inside, Shasta found Sheila’s flight jacket, fully restored by the Lucky Lady boutique tailor. From that point on, the garment was Shasta’s flight jacket.
#@#@#@#@
The 2 guys in suits were imprisoned in Sheila and Stilt’s basement, where they were forced to watch a video feed that contained a subliminal message urging confession. The prisoners would eventually confess to working as thugs for a conservative think tank. They would also confess to 37 illegal renditions.
The captain of a Navy ship agreed to bring the conservative thugs to Earth for punishment, but both thugs tragically died in transit when they accidently drowned while washing dishes, after insulting the cook’s favorite recipe, baked salmon with a maple syrup glaze. These minor details were omitted from the official report: the salmon insult and the burly cook simultaneously holding both heads down in dirty dishwater.
The entire crew enthusiastically praised the salmon every time it was served, for the remainder of the trip to Earth.
#@#@#@#@
The end.