This Human Condition: A Collection of Flash and Micro Fiction
Various Authors
Published
by
Petal
Pusher Press
Smashwords
Edition
© Copyright 2010
All rights reserved. Copyright for each story included within this anthology remains the sole possession of the individual contributor. No part of this book may be reproduced without prior written permission from the author, with the exception of brief quotes used for purposes of reviews.
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This book is dedicated to the talented members of SheWrites.com, where it all began.
Special thanks to Kathy Tarbox, Victoria Donaldson and the entire staff of Petal Pusher Press.
A note from the editor:
If you enjoy the stories you find within this book, please take the time to visit the author websites and let them know.
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Part One
* * * * *
LOVE
When love beckons to you, follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
Kahlil Gibran
* * * * *
May I Help You? – Bridgid Gallagher
If I wasn’t so pissed at my Dad, I wouldn’t have minded watching his coffee house.
Sure, I’m stuck in the Rainy City--alone, broke and one step above unemployment; but I prefer to look on the sunny side. Some girls have dads who pick up 25-year olds and red convertibles. Instead, my Dad disappears without a trace for two months, leaving me in charge of a derelict house he likes to call a café.
That’s better, isn’t it?
It all started two months ago, when I got The Call from my wayward father. Gran handed me the phone straight away. She’s drawn the line when it comes to her son, and I can hardly blame her.
After less than two seconds of pleasantries, Dad got right down to it: “Janey, I need you to cover the shop.”
I gave the usual protests: I have job already, I love Florida, you’re crazy, blah, blah blah. He wasn’t in a listening mood.
“You’re the only one who can help me. Can’t you do this for your old Dad? It’ll be a breeze, just like when you worked at Kendra’s café.”
“That was a deli, Dad. And I didn’t run the café, I worked there.”
“Then this will be an opportunity for you to use your imagination.”
Dad’s approach to life involved liberal amounts of imagination. So far, his creative ways have caused Gran to banish him from Florida and Mom to run off with a straight-laced accountant. “Come on, Janey. It’ll be fun. Just give me one week. Only one. Please?”
At this point in the conversation, Gran rolled her eyes and mouthed something foul about Dad’s tendency to use me. I ignored her. I know that dad uses me, but what can I do? No matter what he does, he’s still my dad.
When my boss asked why I needed the time off, I told her that it was a family emergency. And it was. Some people’s parents get sick, my Dad gets ideas. It’s the same thing, really.
That was two months ago. Not the week Dad promised me, but two months. I tried to explain it to my boss, but she fired me over the phone. Turns out, the holiday season is not the best time to go AWOL.
So, here I am, stuck in a rainy Seattle winter with no friends, no income, and no way out. I’ve read every book I could find on running a small business. I taught myself how to pull a mean shot of espresso, scalded my arms more than the milk, and spent the majority of my time wading through Dad’s bills--a collection of papers stuffed into garbage bags.
The ceiling leaks and the floor boards are rotting. I know that there are at least two rats living in the basement and I’m pretty sure there are cockroaches in the kitchen. I’ve ignored these pesky little details for as long as possible, but it’s starting to build up. I’m beginning to wonder if Dad will ever come back.
I wish I knew where he was. If I knew what he was doing, I wouldn’t be so upset. Then again, I’ve been wishing I had the kind of Dad who mowed the lawn on Sundays and gave my boyfriends grief since I was twelve. It hasn’t worked so far.
The shrill ring of the phone interrupts my orgy of self-pity, and, for once, I am happy to play barista.
“This is The Sip. How may I help you?” Go customer service, go.
“Janey!”
My breath catches.
“Dad?”
“Hey baby doll!”
I get over my shock and switch to royally pissed off.
“What’s going on? Are you okay? When are you coming home?”
He gives a little chuckle, and I swear I can hear mariachi music in the background.
“Always in such a rush,” Dad says fondly.
“I need answers. Now.” I try to sound firm. “Or I’m going back to Florida, for good.”
Dad takes a breath and lets it out. Five years ago, I lent dad a thousand dollars for an essential visit to a specialist. I thought he meant a doctor. Later, I found out that he used it to pay some guru who taught him how to sigh like Eeyore. “You wouldn’t do that,” Dad tells me.
I want to scream any number of obscenities at him, but he’s right; I can’t just walk away. I hate it when he’s right.
“Tell me what’s going on.” I say, defeated.
“My business down here has hit a…snag. All you need to know is that I’m safe.” He takes another cleansing breath. “You can tell the police that you had nothing to do with it.”
“Police? Dad, what did you do?”
“Janey, I’ve got to run,” the line sounds choppy. “I’ll make it up to you, I promise--”
A screech of static swallows his voice.
“Dad?” I click the receiver, rapid-fire style. “You there?”
Nothing.
I throw down the phone, and then proceed to throw down a stream of cuss words, the kind that would do Gran proud. I’m just getting to the good part when the bells above the door jingle.
Two men in trench coats push their way inside and everything about them screams cop.
Oh. My. God. I freeze, sure of their purpose. The timing of the phone call and their appearance can’t be coincidence.
The men level their steely glances my way, and for a moment I toy with the idea of screaming guilty, just to get out of this mess.
But, like my Dad said, I wouldn’t do that.
Instead, I pull on my quirky barista smile. What could my Dad have done that a fresh cup of coffee wouldn’t fix? I take a deep breath, and then speak the first words that come to mind: “May I help you?”
* * * * *
Gone – Gabrielle Mitchell-Marell
In this case, she left. As in could not give him what he needed in the way a mother must. Maybe at the heart of neglect is the sense of what ought to be given, that mark from which to fall short. This boy who is now a man is always a boy where this story lives. Was it her absence as she stood in front of him, or was her body not even where it needed to be? Either way, relatives, neighbors and later his father saw that she could only make things worse. For it is not in the absence that a child is broken, but in the having and losing, the suckling then pushing away.
I ask him if he’ll still like me when I’m in a bad mood. I quiz him on his past: why a relationship ended, when he moved from here to there. And what was he thinking again stealing the neighbor’s car? Even if to return it with donuts on the seat by morning. Father, stepmother, neither bring good news. I think I best get out before devotion turns its lock. Too late. “Your sister,” I plead. “Yes, my sister,” he says. I grab his hand and pull him in with relief. He has no phone, no lease. He tells me he likes it here and wants to stay a while but they start anyway. When he’s over I dream that he’s leaving, sometimes just for work in the morning. Gone to chop vegetables or grind nuts into cream, slicing off bits of his fingers as twelve-hour days turn one over the other. As stealthily as a cat takes a roof, that’s how easily he slips from me. When morning comes for real he rolls onto his side and props himself up like an artist’s model. “I dreamed you packed up and moved back to Jersey.” “It’s not that far,” he reminds me. “Just let me know before you go?” I ask. He smiles and leans in to kiss my cheek.
I don’t tell him about the close calls of my childhood. When I stepped on a needle in a saw-dusted bathroom and it sunk down deep. They put me under to get it out, clamped me down kicking with thick strips of Velcro. The fire in our house while my parents were out of town. They came home early because my mother had a premonition.
This is a son who visits his mother in the country where he was born, but they don’t share a common language. Whichever words his eight-year-old brain latched onto and carried are long gone. The essential went with the poisonous, the quotidian with the unrepeatable. How do you throw language out and make sure it doesn’t come back. As if tossing a ring from a moving train: one piece is the whole, no part can return.
Picture his brown eyes, lightest at the edges. So he happens to have the face of an angel. It doesn’t make it better or worse. He was just one always waiting, reaching up to let her in. And just before his father takes him away for good, she tells her son how she sees it. And his eyes looking up into hers, his senses flowering because she is still the earth, are shot through with salt water.
After more of my questions, trying to pin down what happened, (because the facts may be the only defense against the untreatable) half in a diner with me, half in another room, another country, he says, “One day I want to ask her if she knows why I don’t speak Portuguese. If she remembers what she said to me that day? But I know she doesn’t remember. She’ll say, ‘No, I didn’t say that. I didn’t. No, no.’”
* * * * *
Summer Candle – Virginia Farrington Hinchey
Was not the room enlarged by jeweled incandescence, kindled by rubies and warmed with topaz, the night she returned to me? Maybe never so opulent save in the storehouses of remembered pleasure…
Still and yet, it was a wondrous moment. Due to the rarest of circumstance, father and brethren had left together for several days, my only daughter gone for a week’s vacation with a friend. I was alone. I had been advised to revel in this extended respite, but, in truth, I found silence unnerving and presiding over inanimate good order, left me desolate. So it was that with heightened maternity, I received my daughter and offered her the fullest of my undivided attention.
She made her entrance with flourishes, draped in newest finery -- sunflower shirt, loose-fitting jeans and a golden bag -- clear departure from last week’s wardrobe and a certain pronouncement of change. While away, something or someone had quirked her cautious adolescent course, and I was about to hear the tale.
But first, “I brought you a gift,” she exclaims. Digging into the bag, she fishes out a dark blue, pyramid-shaped candle. “This candle burns down and in the middle are all these gems. Guess how much it cost?” (Customary not to reveal the price of a gift, but I know in this case, ‘the thought that counted’ is in the cost). Happily, my proffered bids are low and the real, higher price given with satisfying astonishment on my part. The gift is sacrificial, bought with her own hard-earned money and reflecting the esteemed value of our continuing alliance.
And then, oh my:
“I met a boy.” (Be still, oh clanging mother heart, the face before me bears no guile. So pray proceed). “He was so different his hair was long, blonde; his clothes so colorful, comfortable. He skateboarded, and it was exciting. He liked me. His friends told me that he did. We just talked and then he went away for three days. I was so depressed. I wanted to come home, but on the last day he came back and skate-boarded past the house. He fell, and I went out to see him. I gave him a necklace and a kiss and everything’s changed.” Her words spill out in breathless glitter madly sketching a be-knighted and noble soul. Whether or not the boy resembled in part or at all the romantic vestures bestowed upon him, I was able to grasp the finished piece--young prince, idling on the boardwalk; his foot rocking the skateboard with professional ease; his clothes a mastery of stylish disregard; a townie in a tourist town with the sagacious bearing of one who knows his way around—a swashbuckler, a pirate by the sea, an adventurer whose fierce and charming gaze had settled on fair maid with ardent affection. In an instant, in a look, he pierced the oyster shell and cracked the world asunder.
A memory, stirred by similarity and rising by comparison, wriggles up through layers of time and surfaces as recollection. I remember back, back to summers when I was woefully adolescent; to time away by a river where I escaped the weighted continuum of me and became a momentary light being. I remember a boy, a boy by the bank of a river. I remember a first kiss in late afternoon, the warmth of sun wrapping us around as we spun crazy and suddenly shattered into a shower of sparkling, colored motes, swirling and spilling between earth and sky. That is all. I cannot remember face or name, only a kiss vivid and uncorrupted in the storehouses of remembered pleasure…
And now my daughter has come away with such a bit of summer sand slipped under the skin, a pleasant discontent itching her forward to create pearls in time strung in a profusion of fresh dreams and hopes.
And then she is off to share her adventure with a friend. Once again, I am alone. I light the candle, the candle full of gems. A fan whirring useless against the summer heat whips the flame high threatening the waxy vessel with premature consumption. Suddenly, any desire to see jewels is extinguished by fear of losing the candle before its time. It does not seem right. Candles should burn slowly, on and off, retaining their integrity for a respectable period and only then melt away to reveal the inner part. I blow the candle out.
My daughter, my only daughter, burns like this candle. Every day there is a fanning of flames and a rapid course of burning. She spits and sputters and wafts away from me. I catch her in minutes now, often with heated words, trying to track the smoky trails to a burning heart. I worry.
Only when she comes to share, lounging with me on the bed, am I comforted. She speaks wisely, without secrets, and I am still her friend.
And I am grateful for young princes who inspire in brief encounters. And I celebrate the procession of events yet to ornament her life.
But time enough for adventures that continue in sorrow or in joy. Time enough for discovering the pains of love, the duties of love, the length of love. I sigh – her candle is burning, I cannot blow it out. I must wait in fearsome hope to see jewels spill out into an uncertain world.
* * * * *
JOY
Juan
seem’d To her, as ‘t were, the kind of being sent, Of whom these
two years she had nightly
dream’d A something to be loved, a creature meant To be her happiness, and whom she deem’d To render happy; all who joy would win Must share it -- Happiness was born a twin.
Lord Byron
* * * * *
Overcome – Tamara Dourney
In the fetid darkness of the basement of despair, there is yet the promise of light. Like the last inhabitant of Pandora’s box, shining moments of time, perfect capsules of emotion and events illuminate the darkness as they glitter in my mind. Memories as fine as sand spill forth, the broken hourglass of a life laid bare for all to see.
My breath is held as the awe, as powerful as a thousand pinpricks, consumes my being. I am assaulted, and in the attack I find joy. Here, the birth of a daughter, her tiny wail piercing my heart. There, the embrace of sisters, tears on their faces as they bring comfort to one another. A thousand moments envelop me, whirling and dancing as if driven by a feverish beat I cannot hear.
Faster and faster they spin, a tornado of life’s simple pleasures and sharpest joy separating me from the evil tendrils of despondency and gloom. Their friction ignites a spark, the spark a tiny flame. I suck in air, desperate for the feel of its burn against my struggling lungs, hopeful as it feeds the fires within. And with the hoping, the flame bursts forth, banishing the darkness. The demons retreat, their sulfur scent only a faint remembrance drifting across my mind.
The sun is shining through the window. A smile creases my face as I bask in the warmth of its rays.
* * * * *
PRIDE
The highway of the upright turns aside from evil; whoever guards his way preserves his life. Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.
It is better to be of a lowly spirit with the poor than to divide the spoil with the proud.
Proverbs XVI 17-18
* * * * *
Dating Lessons – Maggie Caldwell
He was slender with thin lips and bad teeth, square jaw and high cheekbones, always sporting a crisp blue oxford tucked into Levis. He smoked Marlboro reds and had a way of holding his elbows close to his body and waving his free hand around when he spoke. There was a bit of a prance to his step. At 27 he was five years older than she.
They met at a party. He looked at her from across the room, narrowed his eyes, and grinned. Pointing to her, than at himself, he pantomimed dialing a phone. She was thrilled by the attention.
Her mother was thrilled with the boy on the phone. “It’s finally going to happen for you,” she proclaimed. “I was really starting to wonder.”
On their first date she wore new black leggings and the green eyeliner her mother said matched her eyes. They went to the Bamboo House. “I can’t believe you’ve never had Chinese food before,” and shaking his head mock disgust he ordered dinner for four so she could taste everything.
“I’m so proud of you,” said her mother that night. “But next time wear a skirt. Boys really like girls in skirts.”
On their second date he taught her the importance of discarding the wrapper on a pack of cigarettes. “Cellophane holds fingerprints,” he explained. “See, if you ever commit a crime you’ll probably get nervous and accidentally leave your smokes behind.” He smiled and raised an eyebrow. “Get it?” he asked nodding slowly. She didn’t really but kept that to herself and nodded slowly back.
“Now don’t think that we’re dating,” he said during their third date as he showed her how to peel shrimp. “I’m just getting you ready. You need to know how to act.”
She didn’t know why he said things like that, but kept it to herself.
He ordered martinis for the two of them on their fourth date. “Guys don’t like it when you order frilly drinks,” he told her. When she came home that night her mother smelled her breath and said, “Honey, you know that boys don’t like it when girls drink.”
He called every other Tuesday, always for dinner and drinks on Friday or Saturday night. She never phoned, even though she would have liked to talk. “Boys don’t like it when girls call them,” her mother explained.
They went to hear music on their fifth date. “I’m out of cash,” he told her. “Will you get this round?”
“I don’t have any cash either,” she replied.
“You’ve always got to have a couple of emergency bills,” he said. “What if you need a cab? You need to think.” With an exaggerated sigh he pulled a twenty from his wallet and went off to the bar.
After dinner on their sixth date he leaned back in his chair, lit a fresh cigarette, and crossed his legs. He inhaled and blew smoke at the floor. Waving his free hand he said,
“The thing is, we’re not going to see each other anymore.”
She froze in her chair and waited. He didn’t meet her eyes.
“I have a girlfriend; she’s a teacher. She gets it, you know?”
She still didn’t know, but kept that to herself, too.
“Look, I told you all along I was just getting you ready for the next guy. This is no big thing.” He stubbed out his cigarette. “Come on, let’s go have a drink. Then I’ll take you home. She stood, throat full of tears. Pulling a couple of bills from her pocket, tossed one on the table, waved the other at him, and went to call a cab. She thought, just maybe she got it better than he knew.
* * * * *
Unopened – Tamara Dourney
Kipling and King, Grisham and Wells, Orwell, and even Kerouac. Inspiration, one and all, but there is a kinship, too, that I claim, an unspoken, “I’m one with them!” echoing through me. This curious alliance with others unknown to me from personal meeting or contact springs from shared emotion, imagined though it may be. I will not pass judgment upon myself for the delusion. I am certain that the disappointment I feel is the same they once felt. Steeped in the pride inherent in all who put pen to paper, I believe that the struggle I face will be overcome as surely as it was by those who came before.
Reality ebbs as my pride strengthens, welling to the surface and spreading out until all is hidden beneath it. I am certain now, adamant that no God would instill into an unworthy vessel such desire to create. No, he would not place this urge within one incapable of living up to the gift he had given. Not even the God of the Old Testament would be so cruel! It is my lot in life to strive to attain, to dream of filling the minds of others with beautiful pictures and unfathomable truths.
The trouble, of course, is indivisible from the hope. The easy way in which ideas flood in is not mimicked in the actual work of the writing. Struggles abound, as numerous as the drafts, as endless as the corrections waiting to be made. I’m made of strong stuff, though, I think. I wade through the changes and hold my breath as a final draft makes its way into the hands of those whose interest could make or break me. The wait is infinite, stretching on until I nearly break.
But this morning, an email lurks in my inbox, bold because I haven’t read it yet. I am deprived of the determination I had so long ago, when the words first flew from my fingertips. Deep breaths and time pass slowly as I seek the strength of will to double click and bring its reality into my life. And in a moment of overwhelming pride, I simply click delete.
Who cares?!
I, despite my overwhelming admiration of self, despite my brief rebellion towards those who would try to decide my fate, know that I care. Quickly, before I am unable, I fish it out of the trash.
Returned to the in-box, it again taunts me. I close my eyes as I click, a final attempt of fragile pride to shield itself. As they slowly drift open, an amazing thing occurs. As if ordained by God, a storm breaks overhead, lightning slicing through the sky, thunder booming all around. I stare in shock at the now-black screen, wondering how long it will be before the power comes back on.
* * * * *
INSPIRATION
For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream.
Vincent van Gogh
* * * * *
Trampled – Cindy Noble
There, on the ground. Just under the sole of your shoe- no, don’t bother now, its too late. You’ve crushed it, trampled its fragile beauty, your careless feet directed by your unseeing eyes. Yes, I know; you see only a weed by the roadside, but I see so much more!
I have a picture on my wall of just such a weed. Tiny little thing, it was hidden among the grass of the backyard where I, running barefoot with the kids, almost did as you just now. I don’t know what force it was that sent me to my knees. It could have been divine intervention, or it could have been the dodging off a ball, yet there it was, and there I was, face to face with its breath-catching perfection.
It possessed a tiny purple center, no more than the size of a pen cap. Around this purple ball were clustered a dozen perfect white blossoms, so tiny, so flawless; bell-shaped with tiny yellow centers, they seemed the stuff of fairytales. More surprising still was the discovery that the whole of this was held high and proud by a thin green stem, no more than a thread- a thread holding up the world. Yes, hidden there beneath a single blade of grass, I found the most amazing truth; I found myself in the colors of summers long gone by and in a single thread-like stem holding together all that was beautiful and right.
So, you see, it is no horrible offense you’ve given to the universe at large- no, you’ve just managed to trample…on my inspiration.
* * * * *
An Awakened One – Cheryl M. Tait
An Awakened One is easy to spot if you understand the law of nature in its most perfect design. Just as the pattern of consistency occurs with the rhythm of the universe. With constant changes of evolving, so is the consciousness of the Awakened One.
The Awakened One will have personality characteristics similar to that of the universe for they have become in sync through enlightenment with nature; they are constantly busy.
Like the force that makes the universe revolve non-stop, so are we. We are never still and always on the go (a work of peace, always in progress). And where we go harmony is to come and unharmony will soon be removed, since we become restless with the unbalance of the absence of harmony and must dwell in it or leave.
Some have heard said that idle mind is the devils work shop. But I say idle minds are the sign of the unawakened one under the veil of delusion which leads to an idle body. Where the mind goes the body will follow.
You have also heard said ‘faith without works is dead’. But I say the Awakened One is compelled to action; compelled by wisdom which connects to faith, creating a constant rhythm through the connection with the creator of life.
The Awakened One constantly feeds off of inner wisdom; constantly hungers for knowledge, which leads them to constant activities.
It is important to understand the characteristics of an Awakened One in others; some times it can go undetected. Yet they are all around you. Some know who they are and some do not, but merely following the divine- driven actions and behaviors; but don’t know why.
Yet they are kindred spirits of light, enlightened ones to be awakened soon…
You must tread careful with those of the unenlightenment, unbalanced on in the rhythm of nature; because the danger does vary in unpredictability of behavior and each person varies depending on the degree of unenlightened balance; yet the more enlightened the person, the more peace they keep, in the company of all forms of life- which is also with relation to fellow mankind, the Balanced One. The less enlightened tend to be at odds all the time with all forms of nature including human relationships. They are not only a threat to other life forms but as well self-destructive in one form or more.
We, the Awakened One’s, are sent here as fishermen of men; seeds for the mental and productive growth of the world in the variety of human forms as we represent with multiple talents and gifts. Yet we dance carefully in spirit toe to toe with the negative force of the unbalanced one.
For they are the mission; yet they are a threat in the unbalanced state of mind bringing mankind closer to the light of truth and wisdom; we deposit small seeds of light to feed them the fruit of pure knowledge and yet-not standing too close to them- until they can see the inner truth of the Myo, the wisdom of the Ancient Of All Times
We must guard ourselves from harm, since we practice peace and they do not.
Each time, we feed larger dosages of light through the word; we give knowledge as they are able to adjust to the change in their thinking and actions. Until they are fed enough, we learn to stick and move for they are violent verbally and physically.
Yet we persist; the mission of the Awakened One is to deposit and replace. The deposit of pure knowledge energy and the replacement of negative energy one person at a time.
Transforming the world into one of light, of positive energy. To remove the self-destructiveness of the human race, through positive energy forces to form one light, one candle of constant flames of world peace; which can only be done in the light of truth and perfection.
* * * * *
Part Two
* * * * *
SORROW
Am I kin to Sorrow, That so oft Falls the knocker of my door—— Neither loud nor soft, But as long accustomed, Under Sorrow’s hand?
Edna St. Vincent Millay
* * * * *
In the Light – Christi Craig
She didn’t look so old three days ago.
I stopped by her apartment after work for our usual Wednesday evening coffee date. She had just gotten back from her mall walking and said she’d gotten an eyefull at the Victoria’s Secret display.
“I don’t think their hardware could hold this old body together.” She laughed hard. “Can you imagine? I’d be a nightmare in satin!”
She buzzed around the kitchen and spoke of the weather and of the birds whose songs filled the cold winter air with life and signs of spring. She told me about her plans for her summer garden. She washed out a juice glass and her favorite coffee cup. She grabbed another cup, for me, and turned on “the tea kettle.” She dropped a few teaspoons of Folgers in our cups, and then topped the grinds with sugar.
“I put a little extra in yours, honey. I know you like it sweet. That water’ll be hot any minute now.”
She was vibrant as she danced in and out of the late afternoon sunbeams that streamed through her patio doors.
But now, laying there in bed, under a fluorescent light, she looked old. Her hair had gone white. It was gray before, but now it was definitely white. And, the skin on her arms seemed looser. Maybe it was always that way, and I just never noticed.
I pulled back the sheet and found her hand. Ice cold. I lifted it to my cheek and tried to warm her fingers. She breathed deep.
“Is that you, honey? Is it Wednesday already?”
She turned to me. I smiled and tried to hide the fear in my eyes.
* * * * *
Without Breathing – Taylor Ridling
Without breathing.
Without talking.
Without really thinking, I said it.
“I’m…not happy.”
What I really meant was “You’re not making me happy. I’m not happy with YOU. I’m
not happy with what we became.” But I just said “I’m not happy.”
We used to be all sunshine.
All plans, all pancakes, and time.
But somewhere along the way we lost us.
I’d get lost on the way home, stay late at work, or stay up all night figuring out how I was going to leave.
We used to stay up all night.
Talking.
Entangled and kissing.
Slowly.
Learning about each other.
But today I said I’m not happy.
And I left.
* * * * *
Incomplete – TS Harrington
She lay on the bed in his shirt, inhaling him. Contemplating her next move. The sun rose through the curtained windows, the breeze softly blowing them towards her. Clutching the parchment in her left hand, she wrapped her right hand around her heart.
“It’s dawn. I’m in my bed after leaving you in yours. I realized that I needed to write this before I lose my nerve. Before Saturday comes around and with it the chance to see you again, to touch you once more.”
The words trailed off after that. Perhaps she couldn’t focus through the haze of tears. Perhaps there simply were no more words.
Sighing, she placed the paper on the bed beside her, next to the pen. She made her way to the window. Parting the curtains she closed her eyes, took a breath, and leaned into the glass. Into the warmth of a new day.
* * * * *
FEAR
Fear no more the lightning-flash,
Nor the all-dread thunder-stone; Fear not slander, censure rash;
Thou hast finished joy and moan;
All lovers young, all lovers must Consign to thee, and come to dust
William Shakespeare
* * * * *
Tight Wire – Gabrielle Mitchell-Marell
The kids were better at it—more balanced, less weight, used to practicing similar feats. One hopped on and padded across the braided cable to the landing. “Ow, ow, ow,” he said as he went. I scanned the field for the architect. Two stakes plunged deep in the grass. Small town entertainment. I stepped up; took a few teetering paces and fell the short distance to the ground. With flip-flops I went farther, but could only make it to the finish if escorted like a bride down the aisle.
Our group, just passing through, settled down in the thick grass to watch the sky fade in blue and black wisps. Across the field, musicians performed under a tent while families picnicked, children played in their wilderness that would soon shrink down to just a corner stretch of grass. Not so big or small.
In the twilight from a distance, I saw them coming. Two young boys, their elbows drawing circles in the air, propeller legs, rushed their bodies forward like wheel spokes chasing the limit of how fast these machines could go. It could have been a race or just pure exhilaration on a summer’s night. If you’d been a cricket, knees up in the grass you would have heard the patter of fresh heartbeats and those limbs pushing against the air. Maybe the whoosh of silken hair rising and falling and shoes shucking the grass.
They arrived too close to yell out, like Olympians crossing a finish line. The first to reach buckled back then threw forward—hurled over the wire, as the other one started, met too at the shins, set off on that series of body-breaking motions. Then arrived flat on his back and joined in.
Those staggered howls!
We ran to them, crouched down, afraid to touch their bony, wounded bodies. In those long seconds no one knew what to do. Two women, not so far behind, showed up and hovered over. “Mom!” the bigger one cried. “Come on,” she said, and then moved on as she’d come, keys rattling in her hand.
Tender, unmade things, they lay and wept.
Soon they eased themselves up like aged men. Each a hand pressed to his hunched back began to stumble on across the field, towards the cars. Too brave, now silent.
* * * * *
Locked In – Mary Jo Schneider
When she realized the scream was coming from her own mouth, it shocked her. It sounded as though it had come from a wounded animal, nothing like herself. She fell back against the stairs, fighting to keep her balance so she could get away. “Shut up! SHUT UP,” he said fiercely, pressing against her. He grabbed her hair hard and slammed her head against the step. She felt the cold metal strip, the rubber tread, and the burn on her skin.
“I’m pregnant,” she said, trying to pull away. But he held on tightly.
“Let me see,” he answered, pulling himself up; towering over her as she tried to move in any direction. She was locked in under his left hand.
He had followed her off the bus a block and a half away. He’d seemed innocent enough sitting across from her; head leaning against the window at the back; eyes closed. As she stepped off the lower tread, she noticed him from her peripheral vision. He pulled himself up using the metal pole and moved quickly to slip out just before the doors closed. Was he following her? She tried glancing back unobtrusively and felt the adrenaline as it ran through her. He seemed to hang back. She walked faster, trying to hum a song in her mind. Laura Nyro yes that was good, “Amber was the color…winter was the…” How did it go again? “Luie, you got a thing about you…” She sang it ever so softly trying to comfort herself and stepped up her pace to move more quickly than he, but she could still hear his step on the pavement behind her. She looked back again to see how far away he was—still about twenty-five feet back. She must have imagined it. He probably wasn’t following her.
As she neared Buena Vista Avenue, which was neither pleasant, nor a view, she calmed because home was in sight. She could finally get off the Steele Avenue block, where she could get onto her own street and finally through her own apartment door. She walked as confidently and quickly as she could up the sidewalk. Relief. She moved to open the door and suddenly he was there right behind her so close she could feel his body and his breath against her neck. “Don’t scream,” he said his voice low and tense sounding. His hand closed over her own on the doorknob, and he pushed her in. Her face felt hot, and behind her eyes the nerve endings throbbed. He pushed her up against the mailboxes. She tried to pull away and got up two steps, but he pushed her down on her back, so hard she could hear the smack of her bones.
“But I am pregnant,” she said again. She sounded almost like a little girl to herself. It did no good to try to pull away.
He pulled her skirt up to look. “I won’t hurt you,” he said and started to unbuckle his black belt, the one holding up his blue workpants. His black leather jacket made a scrunching noise contrasted against the sound of his zipper coming down.
“NO. NO,” she said and screamed out again.
“I said SHUT UP!” He tried holding her mouth and unzipping his pants at the same time. She slipped out from under a little and tried to get up on her elbow. She managed to pull herself up one step, scraping her elbow through her jacket, and pounded her fist on the apartment door of the first level. She felt stunned that he allowed her to pound and pound; suddenly he jumped off her like she was a hot burner, turned, and ran out the front door. She got up as fast as she could and ran up the steps crying hysterically. Her face burned and her body shook so hard her teeth clattered in her mouth. She banged on her own door, “Help me!”The tears slid down her face and dripped onto her jacket.
Where was he? Why hadn’t he come out to help her? Finally her husband opened the door, a towel wrapped around him, another in his hand drying the ends of his dripping wet hair. Steam came from behind him, seeping out from the bathroom. “Where were you??!” She screamed it.
“In the shower. What happened?” She couldn’t figure out what he was thinking.
“A man followed me off the bus. He tried to …he tried to…” she sat down on the rocking chair and put her head in her hands and the tears came down, hot against her searing skin. “He tried to rape me.”
“Where is he?” He started out the door, no shoes, no clothes, just clad in his towel.
“Gone!”
He came around to face her in the chair and looked down at her exposed legs, covered in black tights. “Why did you wear that short skirt?” He asked her as though she had started it all. “You shouldn’t wear dresses that short.”
“What?” She stopped in mid-cry and stared at him.
“I said you just shouldn’t wear dresses that short.”
* * * * *
Passing Goodbyes – Jayme Whitfield
He stood there, waiting for the light to change, checking first his watch, then his MP3 player. He was beautiful, chiseled muscles highlighted by a sheen of sweat, tank top revealing more than it hid, brown eyes rimmed with dark, sensual lashes.
I imagined that he approached me and we spoke, hit it off, made plans. We went out for coffee, had dinner, went to the movies, spent a weekend in the Poconos. We loved, fully and deeply, attentive and passionate. He was promoted and we celebrated, then moved in together. I changed jobs and we both worked too much. We lost sight of our dreams, our future, ourselves, each other. Coming in one afternoon, he found me on the couch, tears and tissues telling him what I couldn’t. Empty closets and little goodbyes throughout the house, he had to get out, to run.
And so we were back, him standing across from me at the stoplight, checking his pulse, eager to move on. Me, on my way to meet you for dinner, wondering how to tell you it was over. Us, two strangers passing in the late afternoon sunlight, a lifetime of what-ifs unsaid between us.
* * * * *
ANGER
Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybody’s power, that is not easy.
Aristotle
* * * * *
Heartless – Stacy Reckard
Force me from my home, shatter my dreams, butcher my heart, snuff out my soul, please, feel free. It’s not like I’ll do anything about it. I am weak, a coward, a lost little girl who has looked to you for guidance for the past decade. Trust and admiration, respect and my deepest love, given freely, only to be betrayed and defeated by the one I held most dear.
I clung to every small shred of hope you gave, hung on your every kind word no matter how few and far between, only to be crushed anyway. How could you use the word “love” so often, only to take it all back so quickly? Is that even possible? Stop loving someone overnight? I wish I could do that like you did. Oh, the bliss of not having a conscience. To be able to destroy another human being without a second thought. What a lovely feeling it must be, so cold and empty, heartless and cruel.
Time will heal, memories will fade, new dreams will soon take the place of the ones I had with you. I left the house today. Went for lunch with a friend. It was nice to feel human again. I shaved my legs, curled my hair and wore make-up for the first time since I last saw you. Outwardly I made it a point to look like I’d recovered nicely, but inside I’m still dying. I’ll go out again this weekend, in my best outfit, with perfect hair and make-up, because sooner or later I’ll start to feel again, and if I look good, maybe I’ll feel good too.
* * * * *
Raw – Jayme Whitfield
Your disapproval washes over me, my words silenced by your glare, effective as duct tape. Censure wraps its icy fingers around my chest, piercing, squeezing, deadly. Air rushes past my lips, desperate to escape the sudden heat welling up within me, its telltale burn suffusing my skin. I hate this outward display, the flush of my skin, the sweat on my brow.
I had no doubt that you would see it.
“You should be ashamed!”
Your words strike me, their sharp edges flaying my soul. My fists clench and tears threaten to rain down, shimmering amongst my lashes. In hushed tones, my eyes trained on the floor in a desperate attempt to disguise my hate, I answer you.
“I am not ashamed.” No, it isn’t shame that fuels my blush, but pure, white-hot anger.
Silence hangs thickly between us, broken only by the far away sounds of the others in the room. A chair scrapes the floor; someone muffles a cough. Those who still surround us have all averted their eyes, their newly purchased volumes clutched to their chests protectively, as if they’re afraid you will steal them. Perhaps they think you’ll burn them, right here in the middle of the book store. I notice that the crowd has thinned significantly. Many of the customers have fled to the safety of the stacks. The small chime over the door rings and I turn in time to see the exodus of those who’d been at the back of the line.
The fire of my anger begins to sputter. I’ve never liked being mad and can’t sustain it for very long. I know this stand-off needs to end, but I can’t see a way to shake your hate-filled focus. You are like a wild dog on a bone. Your nostrils flare and your lips part, a fleck of spittle dropping from their corner as you prepare to speak again.
“Sir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
I look up in surprise at this unknown voice. Had someone called the police? How had this officer materialized beside you, his hand resting gently on your forearm, his voice tender understanding clad with sheets of steel? My eyes are wide as I watch him escort you out, pausing by the door to retrieve your picket sign before sending you on your way.
A glance over your shoulder tells me I haven’t seen the last of you.
“Wow! That guy was a total nut-job. Are you okay?” This voice comes from the crowd- a young man, a college student by the looks of him.
I’m shaken, but I laugh it off.
“I’m fine…I’m fine. I guess he didn’t like my book…”
My words trail off into the rumbling laughter of the remaining customers, who, in a showing of amazing resilience, put the unpleasant incident behind them and begin once again to hold out their books for my suddenly shaky signature.
* * * * *
GUILT
The greatest incitement to guilt is the hope of sinning with impunity
Marcus Tullius Cicero
* * * * *
Everything Happens For A Reason – Rebecca Coffey
In this alternate reality, Carl Jung has a rural route, which is good. The transition from Zurich 1905 to Connecticut 2010 has left his stomach too upset for him to drive in traffic. And even if he doesn’t toss cookies, his judgment is iffy, given his general impatience with his rich wife. Life.
“Another day of excursions, dear? Too busy to mythologize the garbage?” Emma had asked this morning.
“Nag, nag, nag,” Carl had thought. “Like I’m hiking the Alps again.”
He wasn’t. He isn’t. Now he is creating alternate realities, reaching for self-knowledge. He is inviting his unconscious to intrude into his conscious world, letting what is inside of him re-create what is outside of him. It’s what he has just done, and that explains why, at this very moment, he is not a leading early 20th century psychiatrist. Instead he is an early 21st century school bus driver. He is in Connecticut. It is autumn.
“I can go with this flow,” Carl smiles as he wipes away the fog that his coffee is depositing on the bus’s windshield.
The sky is drizzling a cool rain. Through the windshield, Carl sees trees glow with color; beauty and kindness are everywhere. But then, wouldn’t you know, he watches as something goes wrong. Damn. The remaining green leaves on one tree’s lower branches start getting smothered by evil red ones in the branches higher up. In an animalistic impulse to shed useless weight in advance of battle, Carl tosses his coffee cup out the window. This, evidently, is the kind of reality where children needing a ride to school need protection from more than rain.
“Everything happens for a reason,” Carl thinks as he navigates his empty bus towards the first driveway on his route. A lone child trembles at her mother’s side. Sally Greenhoe, the little darling says her name is as she climbs the bus’s stairs. She wears a plain white dress under her slicker. Her blonde hair is tied back in a virgin-blue ribbon. She is pretty; the girls who want extra protection often are.
Once the bus door has closed again, Carl feels no need to drive right away. He grins for the full minute she takes to settle into the middle seat on the bus’s back bench. He savors every tiny gesture. She waves to her mom, wriggles free of her book bag, brushes off her skirt. She places a red apple on her lap. That fruit is so big, so luscious and unspoiled, it could be the first apple ever, the best apple, the very apple that God intended Carl Jung himself to eat. Or so Carl thinks.
Sally’s mother knocks on the door of the bus, wanting to ask whether anything is wrong. Carl winks at her conspiratorially; she, no doubt, is a manifestation of his usual Swiss concern for timeliness. When he shifts the bus into gear, the transmission makes a startling, deep growl; the gears of fate are moving profoundly.
Driving, and looking to his left, he sees a boy at the end of his driveway. Timmy Holland. Carl doesn’t stop, and he doesn’t stop for Amy Zuckerman, either.
With their mothers shouting at him, Carl rounds a tricky curve, and then swerves abruptly to avoid colliding with other children and mothers, who begin shouting, some belligerently. Some chase him.
Sure now that Little Sally Greenhoe was the only innocent needing extra protection, Carl accelerates to a noisy intersection that is an external representation of his bad temper. That intersection marks the end of the rural route. Crossing it without pausing, he leaves everyone in pursuit to the mercy of oncoming traffic.
Carl Jung runs four stoplights before pulling into the drive-through lane of the Perfick Fish-’N’-Chips, where he orders fried scallops to share with Little Sally. She can’t eat even a bite. She is crying too hard.
“Mommy,” is all she can say.
“Nag, nag, nag,” Carl thinks.
But, you know? Her tears are a manifestation of his sorrow.
So, gently urging her to “Suit yourself,” and leaving a few scallops on top of her lunchbox, Carl returns to the driver’s seat. He shifts the bus into first gear again, and once again fate rumbles momentously. Carl decides to take Sally someplace where he can keep her safe not only from rain and trees, but from everything. Her crying. Her mother. His driving, heh.
He takes a map out of the glove compartment, unfolds it, reads it. And as he reads, a lone, golden leaf floats onto the bus’s wet windshield, landing just out of reach of the left wiper. There is no escaping its presence or its stare. Wind, a manifestation of the collective male urge to effect speedy, horrible, irreversible change, fails to send it tumbling onto asphalt.
Still crying, Little Sally has begun banging on the rear window of the bus. Strangers are gesturing to her instructions on how to open the emergency exit. Other strangers dial cell phones. Hearing a siren, Carl drives toward the exit of the Perfick Fish-’N’-Chips’ lot. Only now he drives carefully. Sally’s school is down the road, a few miles to the left. With the wet leaf still plastered where he’d rather it not be, he turns left, going only when and where the leaf lets him.
When he pulls into the school parking lot and opens the bus door, Sally grabs her red apple and runs for her life. It starts raining like hellfire, and the leaf is pummeled out of existence. Carl hears a second police siren. He hears a third. His stomach starts complaining. Maybe a transition to another reality is starting. Maybe he’s feeling queasy from the scallops. Maybe he is a scallop, and the scallop is him.
Carl Jung hopes that he’s headed back to Zurich, and that when he gets there he will still be famous. That and that his wife will still be rich, even if she is Emma.
* * * * *
3 A.M. – Rachel Wall
It’s three in the morning and I’ve just hung up with you. My tears are still drying on my cheeks, and though they no longer fall I ache for you. I am torn in two directions; the first is to love you even more for having shared with me the things you’ve left unsaid until now…especially the guilt you’ve felt yet haven’t spoken of - guilt that rightfully should belong to no one save me. The second is the urge to wrap you tightly in my arms and hold you until my love overcomes all of your pain.
The knowledge that you suffered those hurts and aches made me weep quietly as we spoke. In the dark I closed my eyes and imagined my hand sweeping across your soul, pulling with it all of your sadness like so many cobwebs. I wanted to heal you. I wanted you to be at peace. Knowing that I cannot take away your pain, no matter how much I may want to, is almost too much. Knowing that you’ll try to be stoic, pretend nothing affects you, pretend that you’re okay, is worse.
As hard as it was for me to do, I told you the truth tonight. I don’t deserve happiness, and happiness is what you give me. I feel so unworthy of you - and so completely unworthy of your love.
I know that I shouldn’t love you, shouldn’t want to be with you - and yet the thought of walking away from you…my God…just to write it is too painful even to contemplate. I wish I could hold up my feelings in some tangible way like a painting or a photograph and show you how I felt when you quietly whispered to me of those things you shouldn’t think about… of holding my hand…of me cooking for you as you sit at the table and wait for your plate or of watching a movie with me, curled up on the couch arm in arm. I think of those things too, and my shame is there - always…and it’s always the reason I keep those feelings locked inside of me. Shame is the reason why I don’t tell you about the thoughts I have of spending the day in the woods with you beneath a canopy of leaves, of making love to you in a place that is ours and ours alone. I don’t tell you because I shouldn’t want those things with you. I shouldn’t desire you, I shouldn’t ache for the feel of my palm against yours.
Never have I wanted anything more in my life than those secret moments I get to share with you, and never have I feared anything quite so much. I have hope in my heart that you won’t walk away from me yet, though I know that it’s only a matter of time. I wish I could be a selfless as you, could be as good as you. But I’m not. I want you and need you and so I’ll take every moment of time I can have with you and hold it close until the day that the guilt you feel overrides the love you have for me. The sad irony is that the one thing that I respect the most about you is the one thing that will keep you from me in the end. Your love for your family, your sense of honor and of duty…all of those traits which make a man noble… those are the same things which will eventually make you hate me - and I fear, yourself - for giving in to me.
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