Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life
By Jason Goodwin M.Ed.
For Meghan, whose death explained the need.
(To order hard copies of this book,
please visit
www.thehealingplacestore.com.)
(Please direct questions and comments to:
Published by Jason Goodwin M.Ed. at Smashwords
Copyright 2010, Jason Goodwin M.Ed.
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
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Praise for Jason Goodwin M.Ed.
"With you, it feels like the emphasis is on figuring yourself out.
It feels productive." - David V.
"The one-on-one's with you help the most. You're great at breaking things
down to a grade-school level." - Greg J.
"I admire that you're willing to work through your problems and life
situations." - John Q.
"You help me figure things out more. Every time we talk, it's an
inspiration." - Josh H.
"This program has given me my life back." - Ben S.
"I think Jason is really sincere, and I believe he has my best interests
in mind." - Craig W.
"These one-on-one's have helped me the most." - Walter B.
"I really like you. You're easy to talk to." - Tim E.
"I got some insight from Jason about the victim mentality that I've been
in for many years." - Ryan H.
"You seem like the kind of person who really likes to help
people. You're the only person I know who has that strong,
moral compass. I want to be more like you!" - Chris B.
"I wish my sessions with Jason were longer, because an hour just flies
by." - Jarret T.
"Thank you for making me feel comfortable. You have a really calming
energy about you." - Sharon Z.
"You've been a breath of fresh air with how much you care about your clients
and your organizational skills." - Joe B.
"I've heard from everyone that you're a really good counselor."
- Lynn M.
"You're an awesome counselor. That's why you're the first person
I called." - Phillip L.
"I'm just really impressed with Jason. He really knows what he's
talking about." - David M.
"I've heard alot of good things about you." - Lauri P.
"I brag about you alot." - Heather F.
"I picked you because you're focused. I can hear you thinking. I
think you'll be good for my recovery." - Robert C.
"At first you hate going to groups and by the end you love
going." - Anthony S.
"I need to tell Jason what a great group session he runs."
- Lewis S.
"I would change my school hours around to go to Jason's group."
- Mike R.
"I feel so much better when I get out of this class. This class
is the high point of my week." - John F.
"Keep up the good work, Jason!" - Kevin K.
"I just want to say, thank you Jason." - Jerry S.
"I would like to say that Jason Goodwin has been so instrumental
in my progress. He is the only counselor that I was able to open
up to and be 100% honest with. He has the uncanny ability to make
you see who you really are without coming in with an agenda to
distort who is at fault for all the poor choices we make as people.
I am forever in his debt." - Dan T.
Table of Contents
1. Hope
2. Goals
3. Healing Techniques
4. Chemical Addiction
5. Sexual Addiction
6. Healing Sexual Addiction
7. Dealing With Pain
8. Relapse
9. Self-Sabotage
10. Body Image
11. Beyond Shame & Guilt
12. Depression
13. Grieving
14. The Inner Child
15. Deserving Love
16. Low Self-Esteem
17. High Self-Esteem
18. Powerlessness
19. Fear
20. Control
21. Anger
22. Betrayal
23. Trust
24. Forgiving
25. Values
26. Self-Care
27. Unhealthy Relationships
28. Respect in Relationships
29. Healthy Relationships
30. Staying Healthy
Introduction
Sexual abuse means being forced to give or receive unwanted or inappropriate sexual touching, petting, fondling, oral sex, or intercourse. Sexual abuse happens to people of all ages, including children, adolescents, teenagers, adults, and the elderly. It occurs within every socioeconomic class and every religious group.
Some perpetrators of sexual abuse have a known criminal history. Others serve our country in public office. Perpetrators of sexual abuse have included men and women working in the noblest of professions.
Doctors, dentists, lawyers, alcoholics, addicts, neighbors, friends, girlfriends and boyfriends, husbands and wives, parents, distant relatives, siblings, priests, janitors, teachers, movie-producers, politicians, and total strangers. There is no such thing as a stereotypical abuser in terms of profession, socioeconomic class, standing in the community, relation to the survivor, religious affiliation, or sexual orientation.
Sexual abuse often continues to affect our lives and relationships long after the abuse has ended. Being sexually abused is always painful, always destructive to our self-esteem, and often difficult to heal.
If you are reading this book, you may understand the gravity of this issue. For many of us, healing the pain of sexual abuse is a matter of life and death.
I am an addictions therapist with a Master’s Degree in Counseling and Human Services. I have worked with addicts in the criminal justice system, as well as DUI and Drug-Court offenders. I counsel teenagers and adults who are survivors of sexual abuse.
But my most important qualification in writing this book is that I was sexually abused myself. For this reason, I understand these issues on a very personal level. My own abuse has contributed to the format of this book in some important ways. I have written the main body of each chapter from the perspective of a counselor in recovery. At the end of each chapter, I include journal entries from when I was personally working to heal each issue.
There is a place to process whatever feelings come up for you and write about your own experiences. Most chapters end with exercises and a section called “stepping stones to health.” This last section is designed to help you identify how far you have come with the issues discussed in each chapter and assist you in determining which step or steps you may need to take in order to become healthy.
I have also included a “feelings table of contents.” This section matches thoughts and feelings commonly experienced by survivors of sexual abuse with the chapters where those issues are addressed. Use the “feelings table of contents” if you find yourself experiencing some difficult emotions and want to turn directly to the chapters that may help you most in your time of need.
Throughout the book, I use the term “we” when referring to our collective experiences as survivors of sexual abuse, but that does not mean I have personally experienced every issue I discuss. Everyone’s story is different. I have intentionally left out the details of my own abuse to help you remain focused on your own issues and your personal healing process. I would like the reader to know that my parents have been very supportive of me throughout my healing journey.
Please make this book your own. Write in the margins, make notes to yourself, and personalize it as much as you like. Re-do the exercises and re-read each section as often as you need to. Continue to work towards healing, whether that takes a year or a lifetime. Agree with me, disagree with me, but get involved and do the healing work. I hope this book will help you identify whatever issues you still struggle with. I hope you will make a commitment to overcoming them. After all, this work is for you.
Throughout this book, I make occasional references to God. It is not my intention to alienate agnostics or atheists, and you do not have to believe in God to complete the exercises. It is my deepest hope that you will use whatever information you find to be a source of strength. Discard anything that does not fit for you.
I urge you to take responsibility for your own healing process. You will likely identify with many of the issues presented in this book. Others will seem unfamiliar to you. Your healing process is your own. No two survivors are exactly alike. In the realm of sexual addiction, for instance, I believe that men are more likely to view pornography, while women are more likely to engage in prostitution.
It is not my purpose to condemn the perpetrators of sexual abuse. Most perpetrators are survivors themselves. They experienced the same, intense feelings of powerlessness, shame, and anger that we did. Unfortunately, they chose to repeat the cycle of abuse.
To break this cycle, we need to heal ourselves and take ownership of our pain. We must vow to never pass this pain on to others.
You may be wondering, “Am I ready to look at these issues? Am I ready to face this?”
I can tell you that I never felt ready to face the pain of sexual abuse. I chose to work on myself because I was tired of moving from one unhealthy relationship to the next. I was tired of feeling lonely and miserable. I was tired of being stuck. For most of my life, I believed that I would never be able to heal the pain of my past.
I have attempted to address the issues most commonly experienced by survivors of sexual abuse in order of ascending difficulty. The first three chapters focus on how to approach this healing process. Chapter four begins the “real work.” I hope you will move into the more painful subjects slowly and carefully. It is important to address those deeper issues with plenty of support from counselors, family, friends, and self-help groups. It is important to remain safe during your healing process.
Signs that you may be getting overwhelmed emotionally include crying for more than half an hour, feeling very depressed, experiencing recurring flashbacks or nightmares about the abuse, increasing drug/alcohol use, or feeling an increased desire to engage in other forms of self-destructive behavior.
Recovery is a process, not an event. It is not realistic to believe that we can heal all of our issues in a single day, week, month, or year. Healing requires patience and a steady hand. It requires that we cultivate greater love for ourselves over time. We need to develop a gentle way to deal with our pain and our grief.
If you start feeling emotionally overwhelmed, take a week off. Take some time to feel more centered and balanced again. Do something that calms your nerves and reduces your stress, like engaging in hobbies or getting lots of rest. This process will still be there for you when you come back to it.
If you experience an increase in feelings of depression or anxiety, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. This may include seeing a doctor or psychiatrist who can prescribe appropriate medication, or a counselor who can help you process your issues.
A close friend of mine committed suicide because she gave up hope and decided there was no way to escape the pain. But I want you to know, there is a way to heal. There is a way through the grief, the shame, and the doubt.
Suicide is never the answer. If you ever feel suicidal for any reason, or know someone who is feeling suicidal, immediately contact a suicide hotline, a counselor, or the police to ensure your safety or the safety of the person involved.
Survivors often suffer from broken relationships with themselves, with others, and with God. It is possible to heal these relationships by healing the sexual abuse. The key lies within each one of us. It’s time to unlock that door.
Feelings Table Of Contents
-I feel hopeless:
A) Hope
-I feel angry about sexual abuse or having no control:
A) Grieving
B) Fear
C) Control
D) Anger
E) Betrayal
F) Trust
G) Forgiving
-I feel angry with people because they betrayed me:
A) Fear
B) Control
C) Anger
D) Betrayal
E) Trust
F) Forgiving
-I feel angry with God because of the abuse:
A) Low Self-Esteem
B) Anger
C) Betrayal
-I feel like abusing drugs/alcohol:
A) Chemical Addiction
B) Dealing With Pain
C) Relapse
D) Self-Sabotage
E) Fear
F) Control
G) Anger
-I feel like turning to addictive sexual behaviors:
A) Sexual Addiction
B) Healing Sexual Addiction
C) Dealing With Pain
D) Relapse
E) Self-Sabotage
F) Fear
G) Control
H) Anger
-I don’t want to get healthy:
A) Dealing With Pain
B) Self-Sabotage
-I spend too much time alone:
A) Dealing With Pain
B) Relapse
C) Self-Sabotage
D) Depression
E) Grieving
-I feel sad or depressed:
A) Hope
B) Goals
C) Dealing With Pain
D) Relapse
E) Self-Sabotage
F) Body Image
G) Beyond Shame & Guilt
H) Depression
I) Grieving
J) The Inner Child
K) Deserving Love
-I feel like a victim of my past:
A) Dealing With Pain
B) Inner Child
C) Betrayal
-I feel afraid:
A) Goals
B) Powerlessness
C) Fear
D) Control
-I feel stressed or worried:
A) Grieving
B) Fear
C) Control
D) Self-Care
-I feel bad about myself:
A) Relapse
B) Self-Sabotage
C) Body Image
D) Low Self-Esteem
E) High Self-Esteem
F) Forgiving
G) Self-Care
-I blame myself for having been sexually abused:
A) Body Image
B) Beyond Shame & Guilt
C) Low Self-Esteem
D) High Self-Esteem
-I feel unworthy or abandoned:
A) Depression
B) Grieving
C) The Inner Child
D) Deserving Love
E) Betrayal
F) Unhealthy Relationships
G) Respect in Relationships
H) Healthy Relationships
-I feel lost:
A) Hope
B) Goals
C) Depression
D) Grieving
-I feel vulnerable:
A) The Inner Child
B) Deserving Love
C) Low Self-Esteem
D) High Self-Esteem
E) Betrayal
F) Trust
-I feel bad about my body:
A) Body Image
B) Beyond Shame & Guilt
-I feel neglected:
A) Deserving Love
B) Low Self-Esteem
C) High Self-Esteem
D) Self-Care
-I feel powerless:
A) Powerlessness
B) Control
-I feel discouraged about relationships:
A) Anger
B) Betrayal
C) Trust
D) Forgiving
E) Unhealthy Relationships
F) Respect in Relationships
G) Healthy Relationships
-I feel ashamed or guilty:
A) Body Image
B) Beyond Shame and Guilt
C) Trust
D) Values
-I feel resentful:
A) Dealing With Pain
B) Self-Sabotage
C) Body Image
D) Beyond Shame & Guilt
E) Depression
F) Grieving
G) The Inner Child
H) Deserving Love
I) Powerlessness
J) Control
K) Anger
L) Betrayal
M) Trust
N) Forgiving
O) Unhealthy Relationships
P) Respect in Relationships
Q) Healthy Relationships
Chapter 1 – Hope
“Hopelessness is a question of despair, not a product of reality.”
-Jason Goodwin
Hope, for survivors of sexual abuse, means believing that our lives will improve if we keep working on our issues. It’s like that old saying. “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” But there’s something I want to add to this saying, and I want you to remember it. “If you’re not getting lemonade, it’s because you’re not squeezing your lemons hard enough.”
Sexual abuse can feel like a big pile of lemons. There have been times in my life when I felt too tired, too stressed, too discouraged, too hopeless, too angry, or too afraid to work on my issues. And the longer I avoided doing this work, the more painful my life became. Eventually, that pile of lemons started looking pretty good to me, because I wound up with a big pile of something else.
Hope is the belief that if we keep working on our issues, they will get better, we will feel better, and eventually we will work through whatever issues we struggle with today.
To begin this process, we must believe that we can heal. Some of us have felt so broken by the sexual abuse that we came to believe we could never heal our pain.
“I’m a screw-up,” we said. “Look at my relationships. I let people walk all over me. I keep going out with people who disrespect me and abuse me. I feel so terrible about myself. I feel so damaged. I don’t believe I can ever heal.”
Yet sexual abuse is simply a wound. A very deep, very painful wound. When we try to self-medicate our pain with alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, sexual addiction, pornography, prostitution, overeating, or a hundred other compulsive behaviors, this wound becomes infected. It is a wound that needs to bleed. It is a wound that needs great care if it is ever to heal.
Chances are you are like me. You spent the majority of your life trying to run from this problem. You tried to cover it up or ignore it, hoping beyond hope that it would somehow just go away. But the truth is that sexual abuse issues do not “just go away.”
We may have felt confused in the past. Even if we wanted to heal our pain, we may have been unsure of where to turn. There are few good books on the subject, and few counselors who deal effectively with the issues of sexual abuse. In today’s society, there is a great deal of stigma attached to having been abused. Instead of healing, we try to ignore the way we feel, or attempt to numb our feelings with addictions and other compulsive behaviors.
Some of us reached the place where we believed it was hopeless. The deck was stacked against us. We were sexually abused. Tainted. We would never heal these issues because it was impossible. We were doomed to repeating the same awful relationships and the same self-destructive behaviors for the remainder of our lives.
There is something you need to know. You can heal the pain of sexual abuse. You can heal your life. It is possible. I promise that if you truly do some soul-searching, some crying, and some letting go, you will make progress. What you gain from this experience will depend on how hard you are willing to work. Personally, I held nothing back. I chose to keep learning and keep growing.
Many of the ideas presented in this book may seem strange to you at first. Some of the exercises may seem too difficult.
But within these pages are the seeds of change. If your garden is full of rocks and the soil is too hard, it is difficult for those seeds to take root. The garden of our heart needs to be tilled. We need to nurture ourselves with the fertilizer of self-love and the sunshine of self-care. We must give our garden the water of knowledge and begin to pull the weeds of shame.
A beautiful garden does not blossom overnight, but throughout the springtime of our healing process. Health and growth are cultivated over time.
When we feel hopeless, we should ask ourselves, “How did I get to this hopeless place? Have I felt a great deal of anger, sadness, pain, or fear in the past? Have I felt guilty or ashamed because of what happened to me? Have I felt that I was somehow to blame for the abuse?”
Hopelessness is a question of despair, not a product of reality. In truth, our lives are never hopeless. We can always grow. We can experience our feelings and change our behaviors. When we tell ourselves that life is hopeless, it is because we feel like giving up, not because life is ever, truly hopeless.
So what can make us feel like giving up? Is it easier to try and avoid our pain? Is it easier to act out our addictions than to work through our issues? Have we been told by a family member, friend, or perpetrator that we should just, “Get over it?” Have we been told that the abuse was our fault, or that we were acting or dressing too provocatively?
Perhaps we feel hopeless about a behavior we can’t seem to change. We keep getting into abusive relationships or doing drugs. We keep engaging in addictive sex, spending money compulsively, or overeating. Maybe the negative patterns in our lives seem to repeat themselves endlessly.
Hopelessness builds up in our lives when we fail to address the real issue. If we do not change our negative patterns, they will continue to hold us back.
If we choose unhealthy partners, we end up in the same, unhealthy relationships. If we stuff our feelings instead of healing our pain, we continue to spiral downwards.
Often the reason people remain trapped in their problems is because they refuse to take action. They refuse to change. It is possible to heal the pain of sexual abuse in the same way that we would work to heal any other issue. There is hope. The more you heal the stronger you feel, and the easier it gets.
Personal Journal Entries
Entry #1: Gaining Hope
(My depressed voice): I have nothing to live for. I might as well sleep all day and not wake up. I feel depressed. My thoughts are all negative. Why do I feel so hopeless?
I am tormented by the memory of sexual abuse. There is no changing the reality of my past. What happened to me was horrible, and sexual abuse continues to happen to people all over the world. There is no way to stop it. I will never overcome this.
Life is so meaningless. Healing sexual abuse is too difficult.
(My wise, inner voice): Don’t believe that your life is hopeless. That’s your depression talking. You’re just thinking negatively about your past, your present, and your future. Stop doubting yourself and your ability to heal.
You are afraid that you will never be free of this. That you will be dealing with this pain forever. But in truth, all pain is limited. All fears are eventually conquered. All issues are eventually resolved and a brighter future awaits you.
You will overcome this. You will find the courage. You will regain your integrity, your confidence, and your self-esteem. You will feel better. You will have peace again. You will see the light.
Your pain is not “all powerful.” You are powerful, eternal, strong, wise, and capable. As a child of God, there is nothing that can defeat you. You are stronger than sexual abuse. You are stronger than fear.
Process Questions
In what ways have I felt hopeless about healing the pain of sexual abuse?
How do I look at my life when I feel hopeless?
How do I act when I feel hopeless?
What would make me feel more hopeful about healing the abuse of my past?
How can I process my issues (sit with my feelings, cry, get my anger out in a healthy way, do some journaling, talk to someone about how I feel, etc…)
Exercise 1-1
Hope Affirmations
-Say these things to yourself every day until you start to feel more confident and filled with hope.
1. Things in my life keep getting better, and every day I am getting healthier.
2. I am working through my issues.
3. I am succeeding.
4. I feel more confident and more hopeful every day.
5. I am stronger than my fear.
6. I am overcoming my problems.
7. I am feeling more energy, more inspiration, and more love.
8. I am becoming a bigger, wiser, stronger person.
Stepping Stones to Health
Hope
-Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take.
_____ 1. I am severely depressed and addicted to several substances or behaviors. I fear that my life will never improve.
_____ 2. I have known people who have successfully worked through their sexual abuse issues, but I don’t think I can.
_____ 3. I am trying to learn more about sexual abuse, but I don’t spend much time reading self-help books or working on my issues.
_____ 4. I worked through an issue I was having, but it was scary. I don’t want to change. I’m used to the chaos in my life, and it’s easier for me to do nothing.
_____ 5. I did something to heal an issue I was having and it made me feel better about myself. I realize that healing is possible if I am willing to work at it.
_____ 6. I am getting tired of the chaos in my life. I know there’s something better for me. I’m tired of my addictions and my negative behaviors because they cause me a lot of pain.
_____ 7. I want to change, but I still feel really confused.
_____ 8. I’m tired of the pain in my life, and I want to do something about it. But I’m so addicted and depressed that I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know if I have the courage to do this.
_____ 9. I have attempted to change an addiction or behavior and it’s difficult. I’m experiencing a lot of feelings I’m uncomfortable with.
_____ 10. I have overcome an addiction or behavior and realize that there is hope for me. If I can heal one aspect of the sexual abuse, I can probably heal another.
_____ 11. I have bought some books on healing sexual abuse, joined a support group, or begun counseling for my sexual abuse issues. I am starting to get serious about healing.
_____ 12. I am committed to working through my issues. I know it will take time, but it can be done. I will spend whatever time I need to heal my pain, because I see how much it benefits my self-esteem, my relationships, and my life.
Chapter 2 – Goals
“We cannot afford to give up on our goals, because we cannot
afford to give up on ourselves.”
-Jason Goodwin
Alcoholics Anonymous urges us to take our lives “one day at a time.” We need to focus on the problems we face today before we can address the problems that may arise tomorrow. Sometimes, when we are living in a period of intense crisis, we may even be better off living one minute at a time.
Problems can feel overwhelming when we try to take on too much at once. Yet there comes a time when we need to plan for a better future. Without direction, our lives can feel meaningless. When we get trapped in this hopeless place, we only have ourselves to blame.
Responsibility is the key to action, to hope, and to self-esteem. Yes, we need support from others. We may need God or our higher power to show us the way. But at the end of the day, it is still up to us.
It’s important to remember that the goals we set for ourselves should be realistic. I engaged in a year of intense self-examination before writing the material for this book. And before that, I was acting out my sexual abuse issues for over 33 years.
When defining our goals, it’s important to keep in mind the challenges we face. Sexual abuse often leads to low self-esteem, drug and alcohol abuse, sexual addiction, abusive and/or unfulfilling relationships, depression, flashbacks to the trauma or abuse, extreme emotional “ups” and “downs,” guilt, shame, fear, mistrust, poor self-care, feelings of powerlessness, deep feelings of pain and grief, a distorted body image, overeating, under-eating, anger at God, and feelings of hopelessness. Sexual abuse creates a lot of wreckage in our lives.
Maybe our goal is to feel better. Maybe we want to be able to choose healthier relationships. Perhaps we strive to become more stable and reliable at work. Some of us want to stop experiencing flashbacks or nightmares about the abuse. We may be killing ourselves with drugs and alcohol, or endangering our health with risky sexual behaviors. Whatever our motivation, it is critically important that we set clear, realistic goals for our recovery.
This book covers many of the issues we struggle with as survivors of sexual abuse, and while it is important to heal all of our issues eventually, we need to take our process at a reasonable pace to avoid getting overwhelmed. Having the patience to heal requires an unwavering commitment to the betterment our lives.
Every goal is attainable as long as it is realistic. The key to goal attainment is perseverance. We cannot afford to give up on our goals, because we cannot afford to give up on ourselves. We deserve better.
Healing sexual abuse operates on the concept of merit-based pay. We only get what we work for. There is no magic wand, and if we play a waiting game with these issues, we may find ourselves on our deathbeds some day with all of these problems still intact. I try to imagine the issues of sexual abuse as a sack of garbage we are carrying around with us. Until we finally choose to put it down and empty it out, that sack continues to fill. When it gets too heavy, we can’t lift it anymore, and we break down emotionally.
Dumping my emotional garbage is the best feeling I’ve ever had. To be able to get through the day feeling relatively carefree is an amazing gift. But it can only happen if we continually work to release our negative feelings. When we stop working our process, the garbage of our issues begins to refill that bag.
I want you to look honestly at your life and try to identify if there are ways the abuse of your past still affects your life today. I want you to come up with goals for your recovery process. I want you to make a commitment that you will never give up. The goals we set for ourselves are the path we take out of despair and into a better future.
Exercise 2-1
Setting Goals
-After reading the example on the following page, set at least 5 goals for your healing process. Possibilities might include having healthier relationships, going back to school, quitting an addiction, or improving your self-esteem. Try to expand each of the goals you set for yourself by answering the following questions.
1. What is my goal?
2. How would my life change if I were to accomplish this goal?
3. Is this goal realistic? Do I have a reasonable chance of success?
4. What are the steps I must take in order to bring this goal to fruition? (Think through every step you will need to take on your path to success.)
5. What are some of the things that might frustrate my attempts to reach my goal? (Think about obstacles or problems that may hinder your progress while you try to make this goal a reality.)
6. How much time will it realistically take to accomplish my goal? (Goals usually take longer than we think they will.)
7. How much money will it realistically take to accomplish my goal? (Goals often cost more money than we think they will.)
8. What kind of effort, patience, and persistence must I exhibit to accomplish my goal?
9. Can I make a commitment to following through with my goal, regardless of the obstacles or frustrations I will likely experience?
Example of a Goal-Setting Exercise:
What follows below is an overly ambitious example, but I hope it gives you an idea of how to break down our goals into simple tasks we can accomplish on a daily basis. A severely depressed person might answer the above questions in the following way.
1. My goal is to feel less depressed.
2. I would take better care of myself, make new friends, and get out more. I would feel happier, more productive, lose or gain weight, have a cleaner house, and feel increasingly motivated to succeed.
3. This is a realistic goal if I am willing to take better care of myself, exercise, work on positive thinking, become more socially active, take antidepressant medication, and pursue therapy.
4. Day one: I will set my alarm and get out of bed by 9:00 a.m. I will take a shower, comb my hair, change my clothes, and make myself look nice instead of sleeping in or moping around the house. I will take my dog for a walk and get out into the sunlight. When I get back, I will look in the yellow pages for a place to exercise.
Day two: I will set my alarm and get out of bed by 9:00 a.m. I will do all the things I did yesterday. I will also call a gym about the cost of membership and visit that facility to pay my fees or determine how much money I will need to save. I will find a time that works for my schedule and start working out as soon as possible.
Day three: I will get out of bed by 9:00 a.m. and do all the things I did for the past two days. Additionally, I will make a trip to the bookstore to purchase a book on positive thinking, such as The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale. I will set myself a goal of reading one chapter every day before I go to work.
Day four: I will get out of bed by 9:00 a.m. and continue to do all the things I have been doing to stay positive. I will contact a doctor or psychiatrist to get a screening for depression. I will also contact someone I haven’t spoken to for a while and go out for dinner.
Day five: I will get out of bed by 9:00 a.m. and continue to do all the things I have been doing to stay positive. Additionally, I will follow through on my appointment with my doctor or psychiatrist and try a few different antidepressant medications to determine which one does the best job of lowering my depression. I will continue to take this medication until any side-effects wear off, and give each medication a fair chance of working.
Day six: I will get out of bed by 9:00 a.m. and continue to do all of the things I have been doing to stay positive. I will also check the yellow pages for a counselor qualified to treat depression, and set up my first appointment.
Day seven: (Etc…)
Process Questions
What are some of the ways that my sexual abuse issues continue to negatively affect my life or my goals? (Relationships, self-esteem, career, family, sex-life, self-care, relationship with God, etc…)
How do I feel about the ways the sexual abuse is negatively affecting my life and my goals?
What goals do I want to set for myself as I begin this healing process?
What good things might happen to me if I heal the pain of sexual abuse?
How can I process my feelings about the ways the sexual abuse has negatively affected my life? (Sit with my feelings, cry, release my anger in a healthy way, do some journaling, talk to someone about how I feel, etc…)
Stepping Stones to Health
Goals
-Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take.
_____ 1. I have no goals for healing the sexual abuse.
_____ 2. I would like to feel better, but I don’t know where to start.
_____ 3. I want to gain sobriety from an addiction or addictions.
_____ 4. I want to have healthier relationships in the future.
_____ 5. I would like to heal the pain of my past so that I don’t feel so terrible all the time.
_____ 6. I want to heal, but I’m not sure if I’m willing to do the work it takes to get healthy.
_____ 7. I am committed to working through the pain of sexual abuse. My goal is to have healthy relationships in the future with myself, with others, and with God.
Chapter 3 – Healing Techniques
“Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.”
-Hippocrates
There are many techniques we can employ to assist us in healing the pain of sexual abuse. Instead of picking one or two, I urge you to consider them all, and use every tool that is available to you. This healing process may be the biggest challenge of your life.
As survivors, the fear that we are somehow damaged or defective can actually interfere with our healing process. I resisted taking antidepressants for the first 33 years of my life because I fought so hard against the idea that there was something wrong with me. Never mind that depression runs in my family or that my grandmother took antidepressants for the second half of her life. Every morning, I woke up feeling depressed for no apparent reason. I had low appetite, weight loss, and all the symptoms of major depression. But I was in denial, and no one was going to give me “crazy pills.”
No offense to myself, but I was being an idiot. My depression has a physical cause. As such, it demands a physical solution. I would have no problem wrapping gauze around a bleeding knee, so why was I having such a hard time taking a pill that would boost a natural neurotransmitter in my brain?
About midway through my healing process, I decided to try antidepressants. My mother had been urging me for years to at least give them a try, and a nurse practitioner started me on a newer antidepressant with very low side-effects. For me, the difference was life-changing. I woke up in a normal mood, and could then experience good and bad days just like everyone else.
Antidepressants do not make you happy. That is your responsibility. They simply correct a chemical imbalance in your brain so you can experience a normal range of emotions.
Sometimes we can be our own worst enemies. Healing the pain of sexual abuse requires action. Positive thinking can help, but it is often not enough. We must demonstrate love for ourselves by utilizing all of the healing techniques available to us.
To begin my list of techniques, I want to start with counseling. This book is not a replacement for therapy. Ideally, you would be working to process your issues with a therapist you see on a weekly basis. Counseling is an ideal opportunity to discuss your issues with someone who will listen to you, guide you, and encourage you without judgment. Your relationship with your therapist can be very helpful. I am a therapist myself, and I have been to therapy several times in my life. I hope you give yourself a chance to experience the therapeutic relationship. Going to counseling does not mean you are crazy. It just means that you have the courage to do something about your problems.
(A note to counselors: I often use this book with clients who are survivors of sexual abuse. First, I ask the client to read a chapter on their own and complete the exercises. In the following therapy session, we take turns reading aloud and stop frequently to discuss how the material relates to that client’s personal issues. We finish by discussing their answers to the process questions or the exercises.)
If you were sexually abused, you may suffer from posttraumatic stress disorder. As described by the DSM-IV-TR (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), posttraumatic stress disorder occurs in people who “experienced, witnessed, or were confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others. The person’s response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror.”
It goes on to say that, “the traumatic event is persistently re-experienced in one or more of the following ways: 1. Recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event, including images, thoughts, or perceptions. 2. Recurrent distressing dreams of the event. 3. Acting or feeling as if the traumatic events were recurring. 4. Intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event. 5. Physiological reactivity on exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.”
It says that there are, “Persistent symptoms of increased arousal, as indicated by two or more of the following: 1. Difficulty falling or staying asleep. 2. Irritability or outbursts of anger. 3. Difficulty concentrating. 4. Hyper-vigilance. 5. Exaggerated startle response.”
I, like many of you, have experienced flashbacks to the abuse. There is a new technique available to people who suffer from posttraumatic stress disorder called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprogramming (EMDR). There are trained therapists who utilize in this technique, which works by synchronizing the left and right hemispheres of the brain. EMDR often results in a reduction in the frequency and intensity of flashbacks.
Another healing technique I found to be helpful was acupuncture. When I was feeling very emotional or traumatized, I took full advantage of the free acupuncture that was offered to the employees where I worked. Acupuncture was a part of the recovery program for alcoholics and addicts, as it has been shown to significantly reduce cravings and withdrawal symptoms when addicts are attempting to get sober. It also reduces stress.
Deep relaxation is another excellent way to relieve anxiety. I often spend an hour in the evening listening to relaxing music. I use candles for mood lighting, and do deep breathing exercises until I feel very calm. I often feel more energetic and mentally focused the next day.
To handle feelings of loneliness, I decided to get a dog. Waiting for me at the kennel was William Wallace, a three-month old miniature dachshund with a heart of gold. Throughout the last five years, Willie has sat on my lap as I cried and processed my issues. He has never failed to love me, and he has always been there for me when I needed him. He still puts a smile on my face. Willie is a little ball of energy, and is one of the warmest, most loving souls I have ever known.
Another powerful tool in my healing process was the martial art, Tae Kwon Do. I experienced a lot of anger about having been sexually abused, and Tae Kwon Do gave me a positive, safe way to release my angry feelings. I experience a rush of endorphins when I do marital arts, and the norepinephrine (a neurotransmitter in the brain that is enhanced through exercise), helps to lift me out of depression and feel more positive. Any type of exercise that increases your heart rate for at least 15 minutes, three times per week, will have a similar effect on your body and your brain. In addition, exercise is a very effective method of relieving stress.
Another important healing technique is engaging in healthy social activity. Going to church, having fun with a group of people who share common interests, or pursuing our hobbies can make us feel more connected, more supported, and relieve feelings of loneliness and isolation. All of us need positive social interactions with others. Having friends and people in the community to share our lives with is essential to our well-being.
Journaling has been a mainstay of my healing process. While I was working on sexual abuse issues, I wrote in my journal on an almost daily basis. To process all of my issues, it was essential for me to keep an open line of communication with myself. Journaling helps survivors of sexual abuse to work through the whirlwind of thoughts, feelings, struggles, and fears that we experience.
I have also gone for many, long walks. When difficult thoughts and feelings are swirling around inside my head, I need a way to release my energy. The physical motion of walking helps me to process and move through my issues. As I keep walking and keep moving, my thoughts, feelings, and issues keep moving as well.
Finally, I want to discuss what I call “emotional meltdowns.” There are times when I have felt so powerless, so victimized, and so sensitive that I could not handle the stress of work. I never lost a job because of it. I never fell off the face of the earth, “freaked out,” or attempted suicide. But I did call in sick. It is important to recognize when you are feeling overwhelmed and take time to take care of yourself. Call it a wellness day if you like, but be good to yourself and be kind.
Survivors of sexual abuse have to handle some very intense challenges. It isn’t always easy to face our trauma and our fear. That’s why we need a back-up plan. Make sure you know what to do if you get into emotional trouble. Have the phone numbers of people you can call in case of emergency. Seek help from therapists, doctors, or even the police. If you know your limits, you can plan accordingly, and this healing process does not have to negatively affect other areas of your life.
Personal Journal Entries
Entry #1: Healing Sexual Abuse
I have wanted to get into a relationship, thinking it would magically solve my problems. But that is crazy thinking. What causes my depression, self-hatred, fear, anger, low self-esteem, and feelings of unworthiness?
It is the pain of sexual abuse. The only solution is to heal my pain. Hiding behind a relationship or an addiction will never solve my problems.
How can I heal the pain of sexual abuse?
1. By Loving Myself
2. By Grieving
3. By Letting Go Of The Past
4. By Allowing My Feelings
5. By Stopping My Self-Sabotage
Process Questions
What are some of the misguided ways I’ve tried to handle the pain of sexual abuse in the past? (Using drugs/alcohol, avoiding the issue, relying on people in intimate relationships to make me feel better about myself, prostitution/pornography, etc…)
How well have these misguided approaches worked for me? Did they ever cause more problems than they solved?
What are some healthy techniques I can use now to heal the pain of sexual abuse?
What is one thing I can start doing differently right away that will help me feel better about myself?
Stepping Stones to Health
Healing Techniques
-Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to take.
_____ 1. I do not use any healing techniques to work on my sexual abuse issues.
_____ 2. I have tried to think positive about my situation in the past.
_____ 3. I have bought or read self-help or informational books on the subject of sexual abuse.
_____ 4. I have employed journaling, the process of writing down my thoughts and
feelings, to help me work through my sexual abuse issues.
_____ 5. I have spoken with other survivors of sexual abuse and exchanged ideas on
how to cope with my issues.
_____ 6. I have used exercise as a means of helping myself feel more emotionally
stable.
_____ 7. I have used meditation, acupuncture, spirituality, or other means of
healing.
_____ 8. I have used medication, when necessary, to help me deal with depression or other mental health issues.
_____ 9. I have seen or am seeing a therapist, and am using EMDR or other therapeutic techniques to help overcome my post-traumatic stress disorder.
_____ 10. I am willing to use every healing technique that is available to work through my sexual abuse issues, and I recognize that each one has something unique to offer.
Chapter 4 – Chemical Addiction
“People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows
how to swim.”
-Ann Landers
Chemical addictions are often the result of prolonged physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual pain. Most of us drink or use drugs because we want to change the way we feel. Other times, we drink or use because we want to numb out and feel nothing at all.
Low self-esteem is common in people with chemical addictions. People with high self-esteem do not drink, slam, snort, smoke, or eat themselves to death. Low self-esteem makes it easier for us to engage in these self-destructive behaviors.
Getting drunk and vomiting blood is not a good time. Selling our bodies to get money for dope is not a party. Suffering from bronchitis for months on end because we can’t quit smoking is not fun or relaxing. Chemical addictions are a way to hurt ourselves, not to help ourselves.
I know many of you never thought of your drug or alcohol use as self-destructive, but the truth is, we do not continue to drink or use addictively when we care about our health.
Some of us spent so many years self-medicating with alcohol and drugs that we lost touch with our feelings. When we get sober, we may experience a flood of emotions or have difficulty feeling anything at all.
Whenever we drink, smoke, slam, or snort, we are trading our health and self-esteem for the rush of a quick high. On a subconscious level, many of us are trying to numb our pain and punish ourselves at the same time. What I have learned in my years as an addict, and later an addictions counselor, is that our true motives are; 1) to feel better, 2) to feel nothing at all, or 3) to injure or kill ourselves.
When I discuss the death instinct with my clients, they invariably react with shock and denial. “I’m not trying to kill myself,” they claim. “I want to feel better. I like drinking/smoking/snorting. It makes me feel good.”
But it doesn’t feel good to wake up in a stranger’s bed because we blacked out and lost control of our sexual urges. It doesn’t feel good when we sell our personal belongings or borrow money from friends or relatives to get our next fix. Most of us don’t start out that way, but as our addictions progress, we eventually find ourselves doing many of the things we said we never would. Addictions grow increasingly destructive the longer we continue to drink and use.
The signs of self-destruction are everywhere in an addict’s life. Our performance at work is suffering. Our relationships are falling apart. Our health is deteriorating. We become trapped in a destructive, downward spiral.
When an addict says that drinking or using “makes me feel good,” what they’re really saying is that feeling nothing at all is better than the pain they usually feel. It’s time to put to rest the illusion that our addictions can help us heal our pain. Addictions cannot and do not heal emotional pain. In fact, they actually prolong it.
I often tell my clients that feelings want to be felt. While it may seem strange to personify our feelings, it’s true. When we deny our feelings or try to suppress them, they only build up inside of us. Our emotional burdens grow heavier the longer we continue to act out our self-destructive behavior.
Eventually, we may experience a nervous breakdown. Raw, nervous energy explodes from within. We cry, scream, act hysterical, and lose touch with reality.
There is a way out, and the solution is simple. Feel your feelings. When you feel angry, release your anger in a healthy way. Martial arts, exercise, or talking with someone about the way you feel are all healthy ways to express anger.
When you feel sad, allow yourself to cry or grieve the loss you have experienced.
Of course, there is a reason we suppressed these painful feelings in the first place. Painful emotions can seem overwhelming. We may need to set a limit on how much we allow ourselves to experience at any given time. We may need to tell ourselves, “Today, I am going to allow myself to cry for 30 minutes. After that, I will put my feelings aside for a while and do something else, like running or gardening.” We may need to spend time with friends or go to an AA/NA meeting. Try to find supportive people in your life that you can rely on during the difficult times.
Allowing ourselves to feel our pain can seem frightening at first, but eventually, that pain passes through us and out of us. Emotions are not a bottomless pit. Many people have committed to a recovery program, allowed themselves to experience their painful emotions, and become healthier as a result. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. AA/NA meetings, sponsors, therapists, family, and friends can be great sources of support. If things get really difficult and you need to check into a hospital or rehabilitation center for a while, that’s okay. Most of us need help overcoming our addictions. Recovery is worth the effort.
People who work a truly effective recovery program learn to accept their feelings. They are animated and alive because when they’re happy, you know it, when they’re sad, they show it, and they don’t feel guilty about having feelings anymore.
There’s no shame in crying. People who allow themselves to cry are the most vital and alive people I know. I’m not suggesting that we need to cry all the time. Just that we need to be genuine with our emotions. If we feel like crying, cry! If we feel like laughing, laugh! This human journey is processed on an emotional level. When we stop feeling, we stop living.
There is help for recovering alcoholics and addicts. If you don’t know where to begin, try looking under Alcoholism or Drug Abuse in the yellow pages. There are Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous meetings in virtually every community in the Western World.
I started binge-drinking at the age of ten because it helped me to numb the emotional pain of the abuse. I remember slamming tall glasses of wine and whiskey with the boy who lived next door. His father was an alcoholic, and there was more liquor in that house than anyone could keep track of. The warm, fuzzy feeling I got from alcohol made my pain go away for a little while.
By the time I enrolled in high school, I was an every-day drinker. I would take a flask of hard liquor to school, hide it in my locker, and sip it throughout the day. At 15, I tried my first cigarette and experienced a dizzy, heady feeling. That first cigarette tasted terrible, but I liked the way it made me feel.
Like most addicts, I have a family history of addiction. Alcoholism runs on my father’s side. Science is discovering that there is a large genetic component to addiction.
My substance abuse was an attempt to escape from the pain of sexual abuse and to escape from reality. I believe we use addictions to avoid negative feelings, and as a survivor of sexual abuse, there were many feelings I wanted to avoid. Anger, fear, depression, anxiety, and the feeling that I had no control over my life.
As a therapist, I have learned that avoidance doesn’t work. It’s pointless to try and avoid our feelings. Every time we drink or use, we pay the price, and the further our addictions progress, the higher that price becomes. Eventually, we have to sacrifice our jobs, significant others, families, self-esteem, self-respect, or even our freedom to continue to drink and use.
I remember drinking a sixteen-gallon keg of beer with a couple of friends on the day of a big, college football game. That evening we drove to another party and I smoked marijuana with a stranger I met there.
At some point during my drive back to the dormitories, I found myself staring up at a stoplight with no recollection of how I had gotten there. I realized that I was going to kill myself or someone else, so I pulled off to the side of the road and passed out. I awoke the next morning face down in a pool of vomit.
I was never arrested for DUI, even after sleeping the entire night passed out along the side of a busy street. But at that point, I finally began to realize what I was doing to myself. I finally began to realize how dangerous I had become.
For a long time, I drank whiskey and smoked a pack of cigarettes a day. Eventually I developed bleeding ulcers and began to vomit blood on a daily basis. I realized that if I didn’t change my habits, I was going to kill myself, so I decided to cut back on drinking and even quit smoking for a few months.
For the longest time, I couldn’t understand why I always used alcohol to medicate feelings of depression. After all, alcohol is a depressant.
Yet eventually, I figure out why alcohol “worked” for me. When I was drunk, I felt relaxed. And the more relaxed I felt, both physically and mentally, the more I was able to let go of whatever was making me depressed. The end result? I was a happy drunk.
People with depression often turn to alcohol to try and forget their worries. Unfortunately, alcohol just gives us one more thing to worry about. Depressed alcoholics go into a self-destructive tailspin that ends in jail, institutions, and death. All addictions are a trap.
My true drug of choice, even more than alcohol or marijuana, was nicotine. People laugh when I tell them this, because cigarettes are legal and so common. What many people fail to realize is that nicotine has powerful anti-anxiety properties. I remember how peaceful, safe, and carefree I felt after smoking. It took away so much of the anxiety I was feeling.
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