Is Your
Frog
Boiling?
Ten Signs That Your Life
May Be Spinning Out Of Control
And What You Can Do About It
DR. RICHARD H. MADOW
Co-author Love is the Best Medicine
SMASHWORDS EDITION
PUBLISHED BY:
DR. Richard H. Madow on Smashwords
Is Your Frog Boiling?
Ten Signs That Your Life May Be Spinning Out
Of Control and What You Can Do About It
Copyright © 2010 by Dr Richard H. Madow
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
Thank you for downloading this free eBook. You are welcome to share it with your friends. This book may be reproduced, copied and distributed for non-commercial purposes, provided the book remains in its complete original form. Thank you for your support.
Excerpt on pp. 77–81 Copyright c 2007 Sarah M. Schultz
All rights reserved
While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties for any particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor the author shall be liable for any damages, including, but not limited to special, incidental, consequential or other damages.
Madow, Dr. Richard
To my parents, Lois and Selvin Madow, who have always loved me, and my children, Michelle and Steven, who I will always love.
Is Your Frog Boiling? Richard Madow
Inside This Book
Is Your Frog Boiling? How personal or professional challenges keep you from reaching your true happiness.
Symptom #1 Spiralosis: Thinking too much about too many things?
Symptom #2 Blameopathy: It’s not my fault! Or is it?
Symptom #3 ESPN Fever: It’s not about sports!
Symptom #4 Flockulitis: Is this the company you keep?
Symptom #5 Irritable Now Syndrome: Are you always picking up the pieces?
Symptom #6 Perfectonia: Uptight, gotta-get-it-right?
Symptom #7 Super-Extra-Crazy-Busy-I-Can’t-Do-It-Docious: No time left for you?
Symptom #8 Comparalysis: Wants overtaking needs?
Symptom #9 Rhyme Disease: Three words that stop you cold.
Symptom #10 What-If-ication: Two more words that seal the deal.
Going Forward
Wouldn’t it be amazing if in just a short time from now you could:
• Accomplish more and worry less?
• Improve your family relationships?
• Enjoy your occupation so much that you look forward to arriving at work every day?
• Have more and better friends?
• Live a life marked by calm confidence and your own definition of success?
• Finally, become a truly happy person?
In “Is Your Frog Boiling?” I will show you the legend of a frog, and how understanding ten simple "symptoms" can change your life forever. Through real world practical examples, you will see how many of us get into hot water. You’ll also find out how to pull yourself out of the pot. By the time you reach the end, you will not only know if your frog is boiling, but how to prevent that from happening. Hopefully you’ll have some fun along the way.
There are people who choose one path and follow it predictably and safely through, no matter where it takes them. Then there are those who prefer to explore different roads, investigate new opportunities, and discover things along the way. I’m not about to tell you which is the correct way for you. I can tell you that once I was a practicing dentist and sometime musician. Now, I am a business owner, professional speaker, convention producer, writer and more. Oh—and still a sometime musician. I never would have predicted at my dental school graduation years ago that this would have been my path. But so it is, and here we are.
Taking my experiences as well as those of others and much research, I’ve developed a list of characteristics that prevent us from obtaining happiness and contentment in our lives. What I’ve done in “Is Your Frog Boiling?” is to identify the most common signs that show your life may be spinning out of control, made the “symptoms” easy to remember and identify, and then show several simple “cures” to banish these symptoms forever.
You will find that once your water is no longer boiling, you can accomplish more, find contentment, and get anything you want out of life. Let’s start by having a little visit with Freddy the Frog.
Is Your Frog Boiling?
Freddy the Frog is about to die—and you may be going right down with him. For quite a while now he has been happily swimming in a big pot of nice cool water. But very slowly, the temperature is being turned up. Poor Freddy doesn’t even realize it—and pretty soon, he will be cooked—boiled—until he is dead. How can Freddy—and so many of us—allow this to happen?
Legend has it that if you drop a frog into a pot of hot water it will immediately jump out, but if you place the frog into a similar container of room temperature water and slowly raise the heat, the frog will stay put. Gradually, degree by degree, it will be imperceptibly lulled into a boiling hot death.
Some scientists say that this is true because, unlike us, the frog is a cold-blooded animal whose body heat adjusts to climate changes outside of itself. It does not realize when the temperature changes. In other words, the amphibian will get tricked into a false sense of security about its surroundings until it slowly becomes, well, froggy soup.
Humans, warm-blooded with brains a bit larger than that of a frog, supposedly have enough sense to jump out of the water before being boiled. My question: Is that true?
Not sure? Consider these possibilities.
• Two farmers with neighboring properties are unsure of the exact location of the border. One day a pig escapes its pen and winds up right in the middle of the farms. Thinking it is his, the farmer to the north rounds the little porker up and takes it home. The farmer to the south, who is positive one of his pigs happened to wander over to the wrong side of the tracks, begins a feud with his neighbor. Little by little, the fighting over the pig escalates and involves many members of both clans. Several years later the pig matter is settled, but only after over a dozen murders, ten kidnappings and a public hanging. Such is the true story of perhaps America’s most famous feuding families—the Hatfields and the McCoys.
• How about a more extreme example—a kidnapping victim. During a now-famous bank robbery, which occurred in Sweden in 1973, bank employees were held hostage for six grueling days. During their capture, the victims actually became emotionally supportive of their captors—even defending them after their release. This phenomenon, dubbed the “Stockholm Syndrome,” shows how we can not only put up with the worst of circumstances, but also actually begin to think of them as beneficial in some way. It’s a clear example of how humans can adapt to their surroundings in order to survive.
But is that survival mechanism a good thing? Perhaps not. According to a recent survey by The Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, only 38 percent of Americans are happy with their marriages. And Monster.com, the most sought after employment resource in the world, reports that 83 percent of all Americans are not satisfied with their jobs. So are we just like those frogs—sitting in a pot of water while the temperature is being turned up and we don’t even realize it until it is too late?
In the day-to-day world, there are some real ways in which we adapt—or which our frogs boil. Here’s a prime example. Let’s say you are in a career you once loved, or at least tolerated. Now you dread going to work—just the thought of climbing into that car for your daily commute is stressing you out. But what can you do? You think to yourself, “I’ve got 15 years invested in this company— I’d be crazy to jump ship now” or “I’d love to quit this job, but I could never find anything with the same pay or benefits.” So you trudge in day after day and sure enough the mundane turns into the absolutely dreadful.
By comparison, what if you started a new job and knew from the first day that it wasn’t for you? Chances are you would have immediately resigned—or maybe just not shown up for work the next day. It’s so much easier if the water is hot from day one. The hard part is when the temperature is gradually raised so slowly but so surely that as the years pass we become that dead, boiled frog—and we don’t even realize it until it is too late.
This Really Bites
A self-professed “Crazy Dentist” from Brisbane, Australia, Dr. Paddi Lund, hit the boiling point one day when he entered his office armed with a chainsaw, hacked the place to shreds and called three-quarters of his patients to let them know that they were no longer welcome in his practice.
When retelling the story in his book “Building the Happiness Centered Business,” Dr. Lund theorized that he had a “Negative Happiness Equation”—that is, the misery he was experiencing at his profession was by far outweighing the pleasure he received from the money he had earned during his time of unhappiness at work.
I’ve observed that many of us are not only unhappy in our jobs, trying to forever balance out an uneven “Happiness Equation,” we are also unhappy in our personal lives. Many times the problems are career-related, but they are also likely due to day-to-day events or situations such as relationships with our loved ones, finances, the inability to reach goals, improper diet and exercise or the many other important things we have to deal with to have our own personal Happiness Equations. This causes us to slip into specific defined behaviors. While these behaviors are a defense mechanism to combat our somewhat sorry outlook, they actually cause things to become worse. The behaviors boil our frogs until all we are left with is a thick bowl of froggy soup.
The problem is that by the time we realize what is happening to us, it may be too late, or at least it feels that way. We are the frog in the water, and it’s mighty hot. If only we had jumped out months ago, years ago, decades ago—it would have been an easier leap. Now the water is scalding, and to leap is much too difficult. So we sit and sit, paralyzed by fear and inactivity, until it is too late. We are a cooked frog and are resigned to do the things and live the life that we never wanted.
The good news is—it is not too late! Since you are reading this book, you are looking to take action and leap out of boiling water and into the calm, cool stream of life. Most of us never take that jump—not because we don’t want to, but because by the time we realize it is necessary, the water is, as the song goes—hot, hot, hot! We’re unable to squirm our leg, let alone make major lifestyle changes.
For Dr. Lund it took a nervous breakdown. For others it takes a significant life change—a death, divorce, bankruptcy or another emotional burden—and even then the leap can be difficult. But no matter how hot your water, the jump can be made, and the sooner the better.
Who, Me?
Unfortunately, many frogs are boiling and people have no idea why or how it happens. Folks are “in a funk” or dissatisfied with the way that things are going in their lives. Are you one of them? The good news is—there are clues that signal if your water temperature is rising. This book will help you find those clues. Armed with that knowledge, you can jump out of the water while there is still time.
My Boiling Point
Much of this book is written from personal experience. A few years ago, I was in the intensive care unit of a large hospital after an incident that had me just minutes from death. How was my frog? Could it have been boiling so heatedly that it almost killed me? It was only after a near-death experience that I realized just how limited our time on Earth is and that change, with all the associated risk, can be one of the most important factors in living a happy life.
When All Is Said and Done
To follow the right path for your life, imagine what will be written in your obituary. If you slave at work for 60 hours a week and keel over with your head plopped down in your cubicle, then what? Have you been doing things throughout your life that seemed good at the time, but when you look back will seem petty, selfish and hurtful? Or worse yet, will there be nothing to say about you at all?
We face death every second of every day. Could there be a better reason to celebrate life and to make yours one that is joyous, fulfilling and touches many others along the way?
As scary as my near-death experience was (which I’ll tell you about later), I’m sure that many of you reading this have had worse events in your lives, or seen traumatic experiences in the lives of close friends or relatives. Please realize that you don’t need a situation like this to begin making major changes.
Take some time to think about your life right now.
• What have you been meaning to do?
• Do you want to make changes in your career so you can love your work?
• Would you like to spend more time with your family?
• Do you want to travel?
• Do you want to learn a new skill? A new vocation? A new avocation or hobby?
• Is it time to write some thank-you notes to people who have helped you become what you are?
• Are you ready to perform some volunteer or charitable work in your community?
• Are you merely “existing” rather than “really living” because you are afraid it is too risky to move forward?
The problem, no matter how well-intended we may be, is that if your frog is slowly boiling to death, it is virtually impossible to turn the corner to true happiness and fulfillment in life. During my recovery period, I realized that my frog was indeed boiling. It was time to make some changes. That experience inspired me to write this book. Rather than write another how-to with lots of technical jargon and overwhelming statistics, I’ve taken another approach.
In this book, you’ll learn about the most frequent signs and symptoms of Boiling Frog Syndrome. I’ll share some of my story and offer advice and guidance as you start to reshape your future. As you begin this process, keep in mind that these signs and symptoms are treatable—well in advance of sitting in a pot of hot water, unable to move.
Spend just a few hours with me and I promise that you will be able to recognize the symptoms of Boiling Frog Syndrome and be able to make some very positive changes before it is too late.
To make things user-friendly, each of the symptoms of Boiling Frog Syndrome has been given an easy-to-remember name—kind of a pseudo-medical term that will jog your memory and help you realize when a particular behavior is taking place. Then, I’ll give you some simple exercises that will lower the water temperature of your frog considerably. And of course, we’ll wrap it up by putting it all together so that you can make some fantastic changes in your life and stop your personal frog from boiling.
Let’s go ahead and take the next leap …
“They say the left side of the brain
Dominates the right
And the right side has to labor
Through the long and speechless night.
Maybe I think too much.”
Paul Simon
Symptom #1
Spiralosis
Spir•a•lo•sis, spī’ra•lō’sis, n. Overwhelming, negative or stressful thoughts that cannot be controlled.
Have you ever tried to fall asleep, and suddenly you begin to think about a chore that you have to do the next day? It may be unpleasant or frightening, such as a presentation at work or a telephone call you have been dreading, or it may be something as simple as an item that you forgot to write on your shopping list.
That one thought leads to thoughts about more tasks that need to be done and the accompanying discomfort. Quickly, each thought becomes magnified until you have created a mental drama that spirals and grows as it sucks you in. Not only are you having trouble sleeping, but you begin to feel anxious. You don’t know what to do next and your thoughts are cascading out of control. Your water is boiling. You have Spiralosis.
Sometimes it seems as though our mind has a mind of its own. While we like to think that we can control our thoughts, often they control us. No amount of willpower or strength puts an end to it. Even thinking about controlling our thoughts makes things worse. What’s more, while losing sleep is a miserable form of Spiralosis, the problem can occur during the day as well. What can we do? As it turns out, plenty.
Time Bomb
A while ago, I was in my car and pushed the button to move the seat back. Instead, it moved forward, jamming my legs against the steering wheel so that I felt as though I were sitting in the back row of the cheapest airline with an obese man in the middle seat and the person in front of me in full recline.
Here was my thought pattern:
1. I can’t believe this thing broke. How can I possibly drive to work like this?
2. Maybe when I washed it last week I broke something and didn't even know it. That’s what I get for trying to mess with my car. I really don’t know what I am doing.
3. You know—I just had it in for service last month, and they charged me an arm and a leg. Did they plant some kind of time bomb in here just to bring me back and rip me off again?
4. Oh- I get it now. The warranty just expired. Now everything is going to start breaking. I think they engineer it that way on purpose.
5. Man—life was so much simpler when I had that is fancy European luxury car is a joke. I wish I could go back to the time when I couldn’t afford one. Life was so much better then!
Do you see this incredibly negative thought pattern building upon itself?
First, I became upset over a minor problem. Instead of letting it slide, I blamed myself, then the dealership, then the car manufacturer (as if they have some big plot against me!), and then even started wishing that my entire life were different- all because of stupid switch broke. This type of negativity stemming from a meaningless event is a major reason why people arrive at work grumpy, are cold or nasty to others or are just in an old-fashioned “bad mood.”
It turned out to be a minor 10-minute repair on the switch that the mechanic fixed for free.
Look what I put myself through. If you re-read the thought pattern, you will see how incredibly destructive it was.
Fortunately, after a few minutes of agonizing, I realized that I had a mild case of Spiralosis. So, I did the following:
I pulled into a parking lot, turned off the radio and put on a mellow CD. I took out my cell phone and looked at pictures of my kids, knowing that if they were in the car, we would laugh at my silly predicament of being scrunched against the steering wheel. Then I took action by calling the dealer and cheerfully explaining the problem at hand. All of a sudden I felt great and even laughed out loud as I drove to work with my knees in my chest.
The first step to curing Spiralosis? Realize that it is occurring. Unfortunately, it’s not always easy to do.
Road-Runner
Another form of Spiralosis is exemplified by something all too common in our society—“road rage." These types of experiences occur when we are perturbed by something and instead of brushing it off we let it overtake us. Let’s say you’re driving home from work and someone cuts you off. “What a jerk!” you think to yourself. “Where does that guy think he is going? Doesn’t he know he could have caused an accident?”
At this point, already frustrated by the heavy traffic, you start to get mad. You can’t stop thinking about the person who cut in front of you. You want to find that driver so that you can give him or her a piece of your mind. It ruins your entire drive home and by the time you arrive, you are all wound up from this meaningless incident. So, what was the point of all that anger? Did it accomplish anything?
Yes, it is hard to control your own mind, especially when you consider that scientists say we think more than 300 thoughts per minute. That’s a lot of thinking! Here’s the crux of the problem—constantly letting your thoughts run wild causes a snowball effect and leads to stress or worse, just like in road rage. Even more disheartening, by the time you realize that you have Spiralosis, it’s too late—knowing that thoughts are spinning out of control causes them to come at you even faster.
Action Plan
Thought Replacement Therapy
Instead of allowing negative thoughts to spiral out of control, change your thought pattern.
Nighttime Spiralosis: Keep a pad of paper and a pen on your nightstand. If you find yourself paralyzed by thoughts of tomorrow’s tasks running through your head, write them down in list form. Putting it on paper is a huge mental relief. Or, if you wake in the middle of the night with a troublesome thought, write it down. In effect, you are transferring ownership of that thought to tomorrow—when you can successfully tackle it without worry.
Daytime Spiralosis: Notice the type of thoughts that snowball. Tackle that individual thought before allowing yourself to move to the next thought. In time, you can train yourself to focus on something more pleasant and congratulate yourself for taking care of that first need.
Focus
The key aspect about thoughts that we have in our favor is that we can only think one thought at a time—it is impossible to think a positive and negative thought simultaneously. Use this knowledge during "Thought replacement therapy”—replace a negative thought with a positive one. If you find yourself thinking “I am such a jerk,” change your outlook. Before letting that thought spiral into something worse, replace it with a positive phrase such as, “I’m a pretty good person; look at what I have accomplished recently.”
Using the example of the broken car seat switch, instead of allowing that entire sequence of negativity to happen, I should have caught myself and thought, “It’s no big deal, just a switch. I’ll drive to the dealership and check my emails while the mechanic looks it over.”
We all have faults. Embracing these faults instead of knocking ourselves down will knock out Spiralosis.
Case in Point
My friend Lou used to fly into Spiralosis because he tends to be a bit on the clumsy side. If water spills or a glass is broken at the table, chances are Lou did it. In the past, Lou would put himself down, become humiliated and replay the event again and again. But now Lou has learned to accept his butter-finger tendencies and even laughs about it. If he spills something, he replaces the negative thought with a positive one. Lou’s new attitude works every single time to get rid of his Spiralosis.
Combat Spiralosis
1. Stop what you are doing and focus on something enjoyable.
2. Write down on a list what is bothering you and refer to it when you are better equipped to handle it.
3. Practice “Thought Replacement Therapy.”
4. Embrace your faults and switch to positive thinking.
Yes—our minds are complex things, but we are in control. Just as we can allow thoughts to spiral out of control, we can create peaceful thoughts. Try it and see how your frog’s water temperature lowers significantly.
“Take your life in your own hands
and what happens?
A terrible thing: no one is to blame.”
Erica Jong
Symptom #2
Blameopathy
Blame•o•pa•thy, blām-ap’-ә-thē, n. Accusing others for causing one’s situation or problem; refusing to accept responsibility for one’s actions leading to an event or development.
Life can suck. It throws curveballs at you when you least expect it. Friends let you down. Something that you were looking forward to does not live up to expectations. People get sick. Relationships fail, tempers flare, and just when you think things are getting back to normal, your dog dies. Sometimes you can’t win. Such is the privilege of being the “higher species” on Planet Earth.
When bad things happen, and they always do, people tend to react in two different ways. Some people realize what happened, accept their part in it and move on, often using that experience to learn what can be done differently in the future. Others cannot move on and instead blame someone or something else for what has happened. You might even say that these folks get satisfaction by dwelling on what has already taken place and can’t be changed. Had a bad day at work? It was the client’s fault. Got fired? Stinky boss. Failed a test? Unfair teacher. Caught in a storm? Will those lousy weathermen ever get this right? No matter what happens, people with Blameopathy refuse to take responsibility for the situation.
Blameopathy sufferer's alert: the only way you can take control of a situation and move ahead is to stop blaming others and accept responsibility.
Consider this: In his bestselling book, The Road Less Traveled, author M. Scott Peck said it eloquently when he simply phrased his opening sentence—“Life is difficult.”
And so it is.
But look around. People everywhere are doing the impossible, or at least the improbable. Look in another direction and you will see many people who just don’t seem to be getting what they want out of life. Ask most of them, and they will more than likely have a reason that on the surface seems perfectly sound. People with Blameopathy appear completely justified as they blame every misfortune or struggle they have encountered on someone or something else.
Of course that’s not to say that everything is your fault. There’s a reason that the words “Shit Happens” became a buzz phrase for an entire generation! That’s life. Usually, though, we do have some control—at least about how we react. But those souls suffering from Blameopathy dismiss their role and their power. Instead, they tend to whine and complain—a lot. Why not? After all, it’s easy to complain if you refuse to take responsibility for anything.
Who, Me?
According to best-selling author and positive change expert Brian Vaszily, there are eight signs that you are avoiding personal responsibility. If you can relate to a few of these, you’ve probably experienced a few bouts of Blameopathy.
1. You almost always believe that you are never wrong. If you ask your friends to be totally honest with you, they will admit that you feel you are always right or maybe a bit “self-righteous.”
2. You dwell on the past instead of looking forward to the future.
3. You use other people’s poor behavior to justify your behavior and choices.
4. You rarely apologize, seeing it as a sign of weakness.
5. You believe that you have been dealt a “bad hand” in life.
6. You view negative occurrences / relationships in your life as being out of your control.
7. You don’t think you can change anything in your life for the better.
8. You believe life is unfair and often feel sorry for yourself.
Want more?
Here are some real-world examples of Blameopathy in action:
1. You are late to an appointment and blame slow drivers or too many red lights.
2. You pick up a few unwanted pounds and blame your hectic schedule for not allowing you the time to eat well and exercise.
3. You are having a plain old “bad day” and pin the blame on someone else (typically a family member).
While these may seem like minor instances, people wrestling with Blameopathy find that their frog begins to boil quickly as they jump from making excuses for minor occurrences to blaming everything wrong in their life on someone or something else. Naturally, if nothing is your fault, you free yourself from the responsibility for righting anything. But you also don’t give yourself the chance to make things right, leading to more blame and more disappointment.
Grudge Match
One of the most destructive forms of Blameopathy is the grudge. Blaming and allowing what someone did in the past to destroy the present is a fast recipe for boiling frog syndrome. Some people say that grudges have a life of their own, but nothing could be further from the truth. In actuality, grudges, like viruses, need to live inside a host organism in order to survive. Unfortunately, in the case of grudges, the host organism is us!
Few things in life suck as much energy from us as holding a grudge. Unfortunately, they are incredibly common. Some grudges last so long that they spread throughout entire families and are passed down through generations—long after anyone can even remember what caused them in the first place. One thing is for sure though — if you are in a Grudge Match, you are blaming someone else for the problem! A grudge is a sure sign of Blameopathy.
Action Plan
Instead of passing blame …take responsibility
Truthfully, it’s challenging to stop this destructive behavior cold turkey—but here’s how. Any time you find that you are pitying yourself and saying “It’s not my fault!” realize that you are experiencing Blameopathy. The lesson is that you have the power to take responsibility for your own actions. Here are some everyday examples.
Instead of blaming slow drivers or red lights for your late appointment:
Admit to yourself that you should have known to leave for the appointment earlier and commit to doing so next time.
Instead of blaming your weight on your schedule:
Plan to exercise regularly and eat a healthier diet.
Instead of pinning blame for a bad day on others:
Realize that you are responsible for thinking positively and making every day a good one. No one has the right to get in the way.
A large part of not blaming others for your circumstances is realizing that many times you may be at fault—yes, that would be you. Get over it. Instead of dwelling on the negative aspects, realize that you too have the power to change.
If you are involved in a Grudge Match, it is up to you to end it. Make a peace offering. Tell the other person that you want to put a stop to the whole thing and do something nice for them. Take him or her out to dinner or to an activity they enjoy, such as a round of golf or a theatrical production. Apologize—but don’t try to rehash the entire event. Don’t expect an apology in return. Be the bigger person if necessary. And be persistent. You’ll be amazed at how much tension resolving a grudge can take out of your life.
Next time you have an attack of Blameopathy, change your reaction. Instead of blaming others, take the responsibility (even if it wasn’t completely your fault!) Then decide how you will change that circumstance. It’s an empowering exercise and a valuable approach to living each day to the fullest. Same goes with putting an end to a “Grudge Match.” Unilaterally and blamelessly put an end to it. Don’t demand anything from the other party or parties. In time, that hot water will cool way down.
Banish Blameopathy
1. Instead of blaming others, take responsibility.
2. Decide how you will change the circumstance.
3. Admit your own faults and move on.
4. Unconditionally decide to put an end to a “Grudge Match.”
“The best way to predict the future is to invent it.”
Alan Kay
“Negativity won’t pull you through.”
Bob Dylan
Symptom #3
ESPN Fever
E•S•P•N Fe•ver, ē•es•pē•en fē’•vәr, n. A tendency to think negatively about your future; projecting negative thoughts instead of thinking positively.
Most of us in North America know that ESPN is a popular cable television network dedicated to sports programming. So what’s wrong with ESPN Fever? After all, isn’t it healthy to be cheering for your favorite sports teams?
Sure—getting excited about sports is great, but ESPN Fever isn’t. ESPN Fever is a major frog boiler if ever there was one. To understand it, think about Extra Sensory Perception, called ESP. Some people subscribe to the ability that one can read minds and see into the future. I don’t, but perhaps you knew that because of your ESP prowess.
Whether or not you are an ESP believer, you do have some insight into your future. Likely, you have some sort of vision of what you think will happen. In fact, psychologists believe that we “project” the future hundreds of times each day—from the time we awaken until we go to sleep (and even then, dreams are also a projection of our future).
ESPN Fever takes the idea of ESP—thinking ahead—and adds an additional element—Negativity.
Have you ever awakened and said, "This is going to be an awful day. Why even bother putting my feet on the floor?”
Meet Ralph. He has ESPN Fever. When promotions are mentioned at work, Ralph knows they aren’t for him. He expects bad news when the telephone rings. He plays the lottery, but wonders why. After all, he reasons, “My chances of winning are so slim I don’t even know why I do this.”
He expects his favorite teams to lose when they play, rationalizing it by saying, “If they lose, I’m expecting it. If they win, it’s an added bonus.” Poor Ralph. He’s always in the wrong place at the wrong time. Everyone around him just seems a bit luckier or more fortunate.
Despite his negativity, Ralph is a great guy. He’s pleasant, likeable, has a decent job and is good looking. Still, things just don’t go his way. But he’s not really surprised—it’s what he has been predicting for as long as he can remember.
One day he feels his life seems to be taking a turn for the better. After years of blind dates and broken relationships, Ralph meets the woman of his dreams. But instead of walking on sunshine, Ralph is saying, “Just wait, pretty soon she’ll drop me like a hot potato. She is so great, I don’t know what she wants with me. As soon as she figures that out, she’ll be gone like the last one.”
Sure enough, after saying that for the millionth time, Ralph is dropped. Of course, it wasn’t his fault, and if you ask him, he’ll be quick to point out that he didn’t do anything wrong. Except Ralph is predicting his future and doing it so negatively that only the worst can happen. That’s exactly where giving off this kind of vibe gets him.
Many people believe that there is nothing they can do about the future. But when you ask these people, they will always tell you about a friend who was “born under a good sign” or “just seems to have all the luck.”
When you have an attack of ESPN Fever, the only thing you can see is the worst possible outcome. Even if the negative outcome is one of many possibilities and has a minute chance of occurring, that’s the possibility to obsess over—even though it probably won’t happen.
Staged Fright
Even people who are generally positive can have aspects of their lives where ESPN Fever rules the roost. Here’s my story:
I travel all over the country and lecture to thousands of people at a time. Are you surprised that I have ESPN Fever? I used to have a terrible case. My favorite time to exhibit this behavior was before a party or gathering where I would not know many people in attendance. I would complain for days and weeks before an event.
“Oh, I really don’t feel like going to that event—it’s going to be torture!” I’d say to anyone within earshot. I would get pretty worked up and truly dread going, performing needless tasks so that I would arrive late and endure less of the party. I’ve even turned down invitations or canceled at the last minute, coming up with some pretty creatively lame excuses. Mostly though, I would go (after all, how many times can your great-aunt die?) psyching myself out so badly that I needed an anti-anxiety pill or hit the bar as soon as I arrived.
Here’s the strange aspect of it all. I’m actually good at meeting people and finding interesting things to talk about with others. Nine times out of ten, I had a great time at the event. Still, the ESPN Fever continued.
Action Plan
Best Case—Worst Case Scenario
Fortunately, I have recently discovered a few simple exercises that can quickly quell an attack of ESPN Fever.
The first step:
Recognize the problem and say to yourself, “I’m having an attack of ESPN Fever.”
The next steps:
Ask yourself these questions:
1. Have I previously made an incorrect prediction?
2. What is the best thing that could happen, the worst that could happen and the most likely thing to happen?
3. Wouldn’t it be great if the very best thing happened?
4. Could I survive if the worst possible thing happened?
It’s helpful to write down the answers. Chances are, you will discover that the best outcome not only outweighs the worst, it also has a far greater chance of happening. Plus, the “most likely” result isn’t half-bad either.
While we may not be able to predict the future, we can influence it. People tend to get what they expect, and those with ESPN Fever get just that—the negativity they have been unwittingly expecting. The good news? Even if your frog is in a pot of boiling water, you can save it. Turn the negative into the positive.
Now let’s go to that party.
Eliminate ESPN Fever
1. Recognize when you are having an attack.
2. Figure out the best, worst, and probable outcomes.
3. Write down the answers for extra positive reinforcement.
4. Use your answers to influence the outcome.
“No person is your friend who
Denies your right to grow.”
Alice Walker
Symptom #4
Flockulitis
Flock•u•li-tis, flak•yә•lī’•tis, n. Socializing with others who share similar values, motives, philosophies; having friends and associates who may or may not bring positive energy into your life.
Here are two adages you’ve heard before: “Birds of a feather flock together,” and “Like attracts like.” While it may be romantic to think that opposites attract, the real scoop is that people are more likely to hang with others who are similar to them.
This could be a great thing if you are spending your time with positive people, but if the birds that you are flocking with are a bunch of turkeys, it can be dangerous and destructive.
Jailbirds and More
Take a look at our criminal justice system. It is no surprise that people who go on a “government paid vacation,” often described as one of the most unpleasant experiences possible, tend to head back to the Big House for a return engagement. This is so prevalent—maybe the prison system should set up a frequent guest program like the airline and hotel industry! Can you imagine a prisoner being told, "thirty more nights and you qualify for a free homemade pocket knife!”
Unfortunately, a major paradox of the prison system (and this even includes the so-called “country clubs” that white-collar criminals visit) is that prisoners will brag about their unlawful endeavors and share tricks of the trade—the very tricks that are sure to land them in for another stay.
While your situation is likely not as extreme as that of those who wear stripes and bang out license plates or sew mailbags, chances are you are surrounding yourself with people who think and act like you do. So look around—and if you are hanging out with a bunch of negative people who whine and dramatize but do little to help themselves, or a bunch of losers who constantly exhibit destructive behavior, it’s time to find a new flock.
Bad Company
Sometimes these Negative Nellies may even be your closest friends or relatives! And as tough as it is to say, “Sorry, if you don’t stop doing that I won’t be able to spend time with you anymore—MOM!” it may be necessary to take that step to stop your frog from boiling.
Yes, it’s true. Misery loves company—and so does negativity, guilt and blame. You have the power to flip that sentiment. Think of a positive person you admire, living or dead, it doesn’t matter. Perhaps you selected Oprah Winfrey, John F. Kennedy, Mother Teresa, or Martin Luther King, Jr. Take money, social class, and education out of the equation for a second and say to yourself:
“With my current attitude toward life, would this individual be my friend?” In other words, do you think JFK surrounded himself with a bunch of complainers who blamed their life circumstances on others? Do you think Oprah hangs out with a bunch of losers who can’t hold a job?
This doesn’t mean that people don’t have weak points; everyone does. But if you are surrounding yourself with people who constantly whine and moan, blaming their problems on others, and not doing anything about it, chances are, you are doing the same thing. If your friends drink too much or abuse drugs, there is a strong possibility that you are as well. And if the people that you spend most of your time with are walking disasters with severely boiling frogs, chances are you are, too. Remember, great minds may think alike, but so do mediocre ones!
Action Plan
You’ve Got a Friend
Sure, friends are a fantastic support system, and even having a bunch of turkeys for friends can provide a much needed network of loyalty and companionship. For your own lifestyle though, take a look at who you hang with. Consider where they are and ask: “Is this where I want to be in 10 years?” If the answer is no, you need to make some changes. The challenge is that most of us are not in a situation where we can just drop everything and start over, nor should we. So, the cure is a gradual process.
First, become inspired! Read books or watch movies about people who overcame great odds to accomplish what others could have never predicted. Try "The Pursuit of Happiness” by Chris Gardner or “Homeless to Harvard,” about the life of Liz Murray. These are uplifting true stories of people who were surrounded by incredibly negative circumstances and managed to rise above everything bad in their lives. Or better yet, go to your local bookstore or even an online shop and poke around in the “Motivational” or “Biography” section to find stories about people who overcame tremendously unfavorable forces in their lives.
A consistent thread is that these everyday heroes were flocking with others who didn’t share their vision of self-improvement and success. The big turnaround for them occurred when they were influenced by someone who saw their potential or simply served as a positive role model.
Now does that mean that you will one day go from a single father living in the bath room of a train station to a multi-millionaire stockbroker like Chris Gardner in “The Pursuit Of Happiness?” No, because unless you are currently living next to a smelly public toilet, that can’t be your life story. But as you read these books and watch these movies, you will notice a few things.
First, many others, probably with no more talent or intelligence than you possess, have achieved incredible accomplishments, and have turned their lives around. That’s the obvious thing. But watch closely for something more subtle.
Every single one of these people could not have risen above their situations without the help and encouragement of others. They were all in horrible situations. Instead of joining a “whining club,” they surrounded themselves with individuals who encouraged them to be their best.
Ch-ch-changes
Inspired? Refired? Now, it’s time for the tough part. Think of the people in your life who are preventing positive changes. It may be every person you know! Realize that unless you can get them to alter the way they think, you may be rapidly boiling your frog—with their blessing.
Does that mean you should immediately drop all of your friends, cut yourself off from your family and move to Oklahoma? Of course not, especially if you already live in Oklahoma. You do need to make it clear to friends and relatives, though, that you are no longer, absolutely not interested in any negativity. Friends and relatives who understand this will support you. Those who do not, well, do you want them in your life?
As you start meeting new people who have a more positive outlook, you will discover that they will help you gravitate toward the good things that life has to offer.
Simply put, if the people you associate with have frogs that are boiling, you do too. Get out of hot water. Seek out positive energy.
Fix Flockulitis
1. Get inspired by others who have achieved greatness.
2. Take a close and honest look at your relationships.
3. Make the necessary changes to seek out positive energy.
“In the province of the mind,
What one believes to be true
Either is true or becomes true.”
John Lilly
“A life of reaction is a life of slavery,
Intellectually and spiritually. One must
Fight for a life of action, not reaction."
Rita Mae Brown
Symptom #5
Irritable Now Syndrome
Ir•ri•ta•ble Now Syn•drome, ir’•әt•ә•bәl nau sin’•drōm, n. Reacting in words before thinking about what is said; frequently leads to overblown reactions with detrimental results.
Steamed? Pissed? Annoyed? At the end of your rope?
Sure, we’ve all been there. How many times have you been so angry that you absolutely, positively, definitely had to give someone a piece of your mind? And how many times have you looked back and, maybe, just maybe, regretted your thunderous outburst?
Thought so.
We’ve all done it. Yes, it’s difficult to control tempers and reactions—especially when we are right (and isn’t that always the case!)—but it’s essential. Truthfully, common-sense restraint results in more beneficial communication and a better lifestyle.
Lack of restraint leads to a dangerous illness called “Irritable Now Syndrome.”
The Wheel Is Turning
The kicker is that this severe reaction is hardwired into our bodies. Scientists call it the “fight or flight” response, and while it may have served our prehistoric ancestors well as they foraged and hunted for food, our lives have changed since the wheel was invented. First described by scientist Walter Cannon in 1927, the “fight or flight” response states that animals respond to threats with a general discharge from what is called our sympathetic nervous system—which prepares us both mentally and physically to either fight for our lives or run as fast as we can!
That’s not to say that we don’t need a little fight or flight. When you drive on the highway and another car veers into your lane, the “fight” (a loud beep of the horn) and “flight” (swerving out of the way) may save your life. Athletes actually use “fight or flight” to their advantage as they prepare their bodies to react quickly with huge short bursts of energy.
Unfortunately, in relationships with fellow planetary inhabitants, one who reacts emotionally without thinking is usually the loser: burning bridges, ruining friendships and putting their frogs in a constant state of thermal indiscretion.
People afflicted with Irritable Now Syndrome range from mildly annoying to completely impossible—at worst bouncing from friend to friend, job to job and spouse to spouse and at best just being irritating to those around them.
Sometimes this behavior makes one a know it-all. And even if you are right most of the time (which you probably aren’t), most people don’t like hanging around a know-it-all for very long, so you may find yourself isolated in all of your greatness. More extreme manifestations of the syndrome lead to argumentative, self-righteous, and generally screwed-up behavior. And, yes, that costs, financially and personally.
Just as there are two sides to every story, that person that you are about to slam thinks they are right as well. Your odds of convincing them of anything else are slim to none. So what really happens when you fire back your harsh feelings, send a poignant yet tough email, or mail a poison pen letter? Does this person all of a sudden turn around and give you a big hug, while murmuring, “How could I ever be so silly?” Doubtful.
Have you ever noticed how some people constantly complain and react no matter what? In a restaurant, they are the ones receiving inattentive service, their food is usually “ice cold,” and it’s typically overpriced, too! Their boss is always overbearing and expects way too much, and their friends never seem to notice what a great person they are. These traits are typical of one who reacts too quickly and too harshly—always leaving a trail of people in his or her wake.
Certainly it’s not unusual or unexpected to have IrritableNowSyndrome—to think and react quickly and want your feelings to be heard. The catch is that the trait that helped us flourish in caveman days causes us to flounder in the modern era.
Unfortunately, modern psychology has unintentionally promoted Irritable Now Syndrome. How many times have you heard that it is healthy to “speak your mind” or “get things off your chest?” While this notion has merit, it can be dangerous if used improperly. No question about it—holding back your feelings for days, weeks, months, or years causes tremendous stress, both mentally and physically. That said, it’s simply not healthy to shoot off your mouth, pen or keyboard each time something or someone irritates you.
Critical Condition
Ahhh, but it’s so easy (and fun!) to criticize those around you. Not only can it provide a good chuckle, but in its own backward way, constantly being in a critical mode makes you feel superior to others. Unfortunately, it also can cause alienation and make one harsh and vindictive.
There will always be a need for criticism both in the workplace and our personal lives. But it should be done with compassion and gentleness, driven by a true intention to help others, not coming off as condescending or to make them seem inferior. The next time you feel a wave of “Critical Condition" coming on- hold back! Think what you are trying to accomplish. If necessary, proceed with encouraging words of kindness. Most of all, if you need to make fun of someone, make fun of yourself! It’s just as fun and not nearly as harmful.
Life is too short to live in a constant state of infuriation. The answer is not to feel or act like a victim or constantly prove just how right you are. This is not the time for technology either. The ease with which we can send an email makes it all too tempting to throw a heated comment or destructive missive at someone.
How do you know if your fight or flight response has morphed into Irritable Now Syndrome? Take this quick test:
1. Do you alienate friends with comments?
2. Are you constantly apologizing for what you have said, either in person, via email or well intended apology notes?
3. Are you hard to please, constantly demanding more?
Sound like you? Not to worry, there is hope and help for Irritable Now Syndrome.
Action Plan
Too Late To Turn Back Now?
Unfortunately, by the time you realize you’ve goofed, it’s hard to do anything about it except apologize (and how many times can you do that?) or ignore it (maybe it will simply fade away—NOT!). Of course, unless you change your behavior and reaction, you are likely to lash out again.
Here is a two-part cure for Irritable Now Syndrome.
Take Control
When you lose control of emotions and react poorly, you are trying to control someone else. The initial step toward a cure is not to let others aggravate you in the first place. Instead of thinking of this as being “thick-skinned,” (which may translate as being free of emotions), pretend to be a beautiful duck with an oily coat. Ducks can swim happily in a lake and manage to maneuver around the non-duck-friendly material that lies beneath. Pond scum does not seep into their being because the duck’s oily coat let the “goop” slide off. This euphemism is helpful in many situations—from personal to business. No question about it—100 percent of the time it is best to take the high road, put whatever it is behind you and get on with your life. Listen to the “goop,” and then let it slide right off before it has the chance to penetrate.
Ahhh… but this is not as easy as it seems. After all, why should you let someone get the better of you or always have the last word? It may seem unnatural at first, but after some practice, you will find there is a very deep satisfaction in knowing that you are being a civilized non-caveman (or cavewoman) who has learned the practice of controlling Irritable Now Syndrome.
No Reply
Ahhh… if only life were that easy! Sometimes no matter how hard you try, someone or something gets under your skin so much that it won’t slide off. Here’s where the second part of the cure is helpful. I call it “write the letter but don’t send it,” and it works.
Often, feelings and words must be expressed— they can’t simply sit in your body and simmer. Talk about boiling your frog—this is a sure way to do it! But the damage caused both to you and others by lashing out can be great. Instead, put your feelings in writing—a letter, email or even voice using a tape/digital recorder. Reread it, review it, revise it,—make it so that your feelings are expressed exactly.
And now that the beautiful letter is written—the one that will finally tell off that crazy no-good moron and let him or her know exactly how you feel — and is ready to be sent...
Don’t mail it. Don’t send it. Don’t make the phone call. Don’t hit “reply”—or worse yet—“reply all.” Simply put, the careful expression of your hostile feelings, even if read or heard only by you, can help you get beyond a situation that was doing you harm. There is no need to share it with anyone else.
Instead of flying off the handle when something doesn’t go your way, take a deep breath and consider the consequences. Be cool with Irritable Now Syndrome and your frog will, too.
Banish Irritable Now Syndrome
1. Take control of your emotions.
2. Let your feelings out by writing them down.
3. Instead of criticizing others, laugh at yourself.
“And in the end
The love you take
Is equal to the love you make.”
John Lennon and Paul McCartney
“It is when we stop trying to do
Everything right that we start to do
Things well. These two things are not
The same — but neither are they
Mutually exclusive.”
Miriam Adderholdt
Symptom #6
Perfectonia
Per•fec•to•nia, per•fek•tō’•nē•ә, n. Trying to do everything absolutely perfectly, even when that goal is unrealistic or unproductive.
Wouldn’t it be nice to be perfect? Of course it would, except that no one can achieve complete perfection. Those individuals who think they can get everything right 100 percent of the time usually wind up with an advanced case of Perfectonia— their frog boils wildly—and there’s nothing perfect about that.
Here’s the problem: While trying to perform everything right may seem like a good goal, it’s impossible. Hence, the only possible outcome is failure—everything backfires, leading to a lowered self-image and a rapidly scalding frog.
Just as in Irritable Now Syndrome, Perfectonia may actually be hard wired into us from the caveman days. It has been theorized that hominids (our long extinct relatives) who showed perfectionist tendencies actually survived longer than their non-perfect buddies due to the ability to fabricate superior tools, giving the man advantage over the rest of their friends. But how about the present—when cavemen only exist in cartoons and commercials?
While there certainly are some positive aspects to trying to get everything right, in its pure form Perfectonia can cause both extreme procrastination (“I can’t start this project until everything is in order and I know exactly what I am doing”) and total avoidance due to fear of failure (“I’ll never get this right—why bother?”). On the other side of the coin, it can make it impossible to complete any type of task because things are never “good enough.” And while Perfectonia may seem like a desirable trait in the workplace, it has actually been linked to low productivity as people spend an inordinate amount of time on mundane or irrelevant details.
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