DATING
…Christ loving view.
Femi Oduwaiye
DEDICATION
To God that ensured I had a smooth, life saving, protected and preserved dating period. Thank YOU very much for capping it all up with a virtuous, wonderful, truly helpful and graceful partner.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
To all that have (remotely or otherwise) taught me what dating is really all about, with all that have had input(s), directly or indirectly in the making of this book. I say thank you!!! Special thanks to the one that God used in providing the laptop used in typing the manuscript. God in His infinite mercy will richly and abundantly bless you beyond recognition in JESUS NAME!!!
CONTENT
Title page…................................................................i
Dedication….……………............................. ii
Acknowledgement…………………………. ii
Preface……………………............................ iv
Definition…………………………... ………………1
What really is love? ...............………………2
Endnotes……………………. ………………6
Before……………………........................................ 8
Physical maturity…………………………... 13
Emotional maturity……….... ………………14
Psychological maturity……………………... 21
Financial maturity………………………….. 24
Spiritual maturity…………………………... 25
Endnotes………………….... ………………29
Starting…………………..…………………………. 33
Prophecy………………………………….....36
Tongue and interpretations.... ………………38
Word of God…..…………… ………………39
Revelation…………………………………...41
Perception……..…………………………….46
Through a sender………...…. ………………47
Ministration………………............................ 48
Impression………………………………….. 49
Starting methodology….…………………… 50
Endnotes………………….…..……………. 55
During…....………………………......................….. 60
The dos………………….………..………… 61
The don’ts ………………………………..... 63
How long should dating last? ........................ 74
Endnotes……………………………………. 76
Back page…...............……………………………… 78
Personal Information………………………. 78
About the book…………………………….. 78
About the author…………………………… 78
PREFACE
Dating is an act that had been with the ancients, a period of history thousands of years in the past. It is an act that had been practised for honesty, truth, sincerity, discipline and order in the family, community and society; but is now an act that is systematically, gradually and somehow unconsciously been eroded or swept under. We seem to be forgetting, putting aside or simply not seeing its importance anymore. Why?!
Dating is dying in our society. The values of dating are crying for recognition. It seems to be begging us to recognize what is good and needful for us; what is healthy for our life, our well-being, our future, our generation and so on. It is as if we have allowed the devil to take dating from us and to give us (instead) divorce, single mothers and fathers, teenage mothers and fathers, school drop outs, unhappy couples, forfeited dreams, future and destiny; destroyed, dashed and battered hopes; young, unqualified and inexperienced parents; prostitutes, drug addicts and area boys; untrained, rude and despicable children and youths; unfulfilled life, wasted life, sorrows, cries, burdens and the likes.
We have left what is needful and we now chase shadows. Similar to the act of forgetting or leaving the practice of soil fertilization, and to be expecting good fruits and seeds. Good dividends. Why have we sidelined and backslide dating? Why?!!!
Note:
For more details on superscript numbers, check chapter endnotes.
All scriptural quotations are from the Authorized King James Version except when and where stated.
Note also that some scriptural words have been changed to suit our present day English: e.g. loveth to love, despiseth to despise etc.
Abbreviations:
King James Version: KJV.
New Living Translation: NLT.
The Living Bible: TLB.
Youth Bible: YTB.
The Message: MSG.
Chapter One
DEFINITION…
Dating is to have an appointment with; to be going out with, or to have an intimate relationship with somebody. Most times it implies having an illicit sexual relationship with somebody. However, in the context of this book dating1, means the act of trying to please somebody in order to get something in return; especially the support, consent and approval of a person. It is the period of time when two (male and female) people are in a romantic and or love relationship before they get married. Inclusively, it is a time two mature, romantically in love individuals develop their relationship with the hope of getting married. For example, ‘…Mary was engaged (in courtship or dating relationship) to be married to Joseph…2. Dating is a time of studying, learning about, getting use to and having knowledge about the other person (vice versa).
Two words needs to be thoroughly dealt with here, because it seems these words have (somehow) been misunderstood or given the wrong meaning/interpretation; ‘romance and love’. What is romance? What is Love?
Romance is an exciting relationship between two people who are in love with each other. It is love or a feeling of being in love and not lust. It is a relationship that is filled with all the trills and trappings of excitement; whose foundation, fountain and source is love. Let me ask; does this excitement include sexual intercourse? It seems that for us to thoroughly and fully grasp the meaning of romance; we have to understand what love is…
Love is a strong feeling of deep affection for somebody or something3. There is a strong belief that love is a strong feeling of affection for somebody that one is sexually attracted to. I will ask again; is to be sexually attracted to somebody a license for raw, practical, pre-marital sexual intercourse with the person? If we truly understand love, we will not have much problem with romance, so…
WHAT REALLY IS LOVE?
“Beloved…love is of God (comes from God)…for God is love” 4
Beloved, dearest, somebody I love very much, that is highly and preciously dear/important to me; I want you to know that love emanated, sprang out, evolved and or came out from God, the Creator, founder and Source of all things, for:
“All things were made by Him; and without Him was not any thing made that was made” 5
So, if love came from God; if God is the Source of love then, He is the embodiment of love. It means if you have God6, then you have love. The Bible says:
‘…every one that loves is born of (has his/her source from) God and knows God. He that loves not (whose source is not from God) knows not God’ 7
The problem in life is that there is a worldly8 type of love and a God kind of love (Divine Love). Man’s9 type of love is highly conditional. It is better referred to as friendship, expecting something in return. Man loves when he is loved in return; he gives when he was, is or will be given. When he is cheated, maltreated, not shown consideration, generosity and kindness, he stops loving; finds it difficult or extremely impossible to continue loving. His love is limited and when stretched, it breaks, crashes or stops functioning.
God’s own kind of love is the complete opposite. It is unconditional; gives and serves without expecting anything in return. In fact, it is a type of love that does not need to be stirred up to act or function. It never stops loving no matter how bad He10 was, is and will be treated. It does not act/react to our actions or inactions. Divine love is eternal, unchangeable, never dies or fails even when there is no response, reciprocation, reassurance or demonstration of faithfulness:
“And we have known…the love that God has to us. God is love; and he that dwells in love dwells in God, and God (dwells) in him” 11
A powerful and more appropriate example was Christ, the Son of God:
‘Then said Jesus, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” 12
Forgive who? Christ was asking and begging God the Father to forgive all that lied and committed perjury against him; that spitted13 at him; railed, mocked, cursed, beat, sorrowed, punished, pushed, slapped, punched, kicked, drew blood out of and crucified him. The only attribute that could have propelled this is divine, unreserved, unequivocal, unparalleled love that only the Divine can and could exhibit:
‘…because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. 14 – 16
Another example was Stephen who was stoned to death for daring to declare the truth. At the point of death he prayed for his murderers:
“…Lord, lay not this sin to their charge…” 17
It means God, do not demand my18 soul from them; strike out this sin they have committed from your book of records. Please and please, when the book of remembrance is opened, let this act19 not be found. Majority of us today will curse them since we already speak ill of the people that hurts us20. If he21 had not prayed this prayer, I doubt if any of us today would have had or have the opportunity to read, know and or hear anything about Paul the Apostle22.
My summation is this; I don’t care who or what you think/believe you are; what you stand for, if you do not have God (Christ) in your life, you are incapable of truly loving anybody in this world. That is, loving without having any selfish reason(s) for doing so. Thus, if you do not have love23 you can not be truly in true and real romance, which is, what dating demands. Let me share something with you:
‘Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself (by dying) for it (church)’. 24
Christ loved and so, died for the church25. Can you truly, sincerely, honestly and wholeheartedly die for that individual you claim you have strong and deep affection for?
Let us create a scenario:
Let’s say you (male) are married (five years) with two or three kids and one night, hired killers came to your home. Their mission is to kill your wife. Will you (male), for the romantically strong and deep affection you have for your wife, beg and entreat them to kill you, instead of your wife26. Christ voluntarily died for the church (his Spiritual Bride; not yet wife27) and the Bible commands28 husbands to love their wives the same way Christ loved the church; He loved it so much that He gave His life29 so that the church will not go to hell. Can you give your life for that person you claim to be romantically and excitingly in love with? I think you are beginning to understand dating.
‘So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourishes and cherishes it, even as the Lord the church’. 30
Are you sure it is not the physique, rounded breasts, well shaped and curved hips; big, stimulating and inviting bottoms; long and stunning legs; powerfully attractive and beautiful face that you have strong and deep exciting affection for? That you actually love and not the individual?
Another scenario: years into the marriage, your husband had an unfortunate accident. He did not die, thank God, but lost about four of his front teeth31, one eye and his fore and hind limbs became useless. He became in short an handicap thus, putting a big question mark on his ability to provide for you and the kids. I am too sure you will still love him far more than you did when you were still dating. I am too sure it will not be pity that you will have or feel for him, but a strong and deep exciting affection of love. I am too sure!!!
I want to believe and trust that the Holy Spirit is teaching you what dating really is. So, if you are dating as in, you have somebody you are planning to get married to, do you reasonably, sincerely, honestly and spiritually believe that you have a romantic, exciting, strong and deep (not going back) affection for that individual?
Love is long suffering32, kind, humble, respectful, polite, selfless, tolerant, simple, hopeful, enduring and forbearing. Love does not envy, does not boast and does not get angry easily, unnecessarily and or unjustifiably. Love rejoices in the truth and not in evil, believes all things except when proven otherwise. Love does not and cannot stop, cease or die33. Love shall cover (forgive) a multitude of sins34.
ENDNOTES
Or courtship from the word to court.
Matthew. 1:18 (NLT).
E.g. friend, mate, family or family member, individual, group, etc.
I John. 4:7-8.
John. 1:3.
In its true sense.
I John. 4:7-8.
Mankind.
Human Beings.
God.
I John. 4:16.
Luke. 23:34a.
Saliva and possibly phlegm.
‘For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die. But, God commends his love towards us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us (the ungodly)…For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son; (how) much more being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life’. Romans. 5:5-8 & 10.
‘…who (Jesus) was delivered (to be killed) for our offences’ Romans. 4:25.
‘He (God the Father) that spared not his own son (Jesus Christ), but delivered him up (to death) for us (the ungodly) all…’ Romans. 8:32.
Acts. 7:60.
Stephen.
Sin.
Most times, on trivial or minor offences
Stephen.
‘And cast him (Stephen) out of the city, and stoned him: and the witnesses (those that stoned Stephen) laid down their clothes (as evidences) at a young man’s feet, whose name was Saul (leader of the group or gang that stoned Stephen; his name was later changed to Paul)…Saul was consenting (accomplished this by punishing, persecuting, stoning, beating, supporting etc) unto his (Stephen’s) death’. Acts. 7:58; 8:1 & 13:9.
Strong and deep affection.
Ephesians. 5:25.
Believers.
If they insist they must kill somebody before they depart.
Ephesians. 5:25-32.
Not entreat or advice.
His Soul.
Ephesians. 5:28-29.
Which he uses to smile at you; who you so much love looking at, especially when he wakes you up in the morning.
That is the ability to bear problems or annoying behaviour with patience.
I Corinthians. 13:1-8.
I Peter. 4:8b.
Chapter Two
BEFORE…
The title of this book should have been ‘Before Courtship’. This is from a lecture series I once gave for about six weeks and the topic then was, ‘What you need to be qualified for courtship (or dating)’. It is from that seemingly naïve and simple beginning that I will start this chapter.
Before dating, what are the things you need to know? What are the attributes you must have and or possess? What do your parents, the society, community, church members, elders and or leaders, aunties and uncles expect you to have known and possessed? In other words, what are the qualifying attributes for dating?
First and foremost, the individual must know the meaning and gravity of what he or she is getting into. Dating is not having a boyfriend or girlfriend. It is not trying out an individual for compatibility test. It is far deeper and serious than that!
It is a popular saying and belief that ‘a broken relationship is better than a bad, remorseful, unhappy and incompatible marriage’, but:
‘…how great a matter (result of a consequence) a little fire kindles…And the tongue (an avenue for communication) is a fire, a world (act, action, vogue) of iniquity (sin): so is the tongue…’ 1
Let’s take it one after the other. The tongue2 is a fire and a little fire can start a whole barrage of confusion. A little fire can retrogressively set individuals, cities, communities, families and even nations many years back. A little fire can lead to a serious fire outbreak or disaster, which does consume/destroy lives, properties, investments, etc. Now, the Bible compares that ‘little fire’ to our tongue. In other words, what we say can destroy. The tongue:
‘…sets on fire the course of nature (i.e. outcome of events); and it is set on (the) fire of hell’. 3 - 4
What’s the relevance? You see, we use our tongue to talk (communicate) and when you use that tongue to propose or to accept a proposal for a relationship, various events will be set in motion. Part of these events is heaven recording what has happened and concerning this, Christ said:
“…that every idle word that men (anybody) shall speak (using the tongue), they shall give account thereof in the Day of Judgement. For by your words you shall be justified, and by your words you shall be condemned”.5
I seriously pity youths6 who take marriage (relationship/dating) proposals with every trace of levity, with all frivolity. In reality and in truth, ‘a broken relationship is better (far better) than a bad, remorseful, unhappy and incompatible marriage’. It is however the better of two evils. It is better not to start dating at all than to have a broken one. You approach a lady and claim God told you she is your spouse to be. A couple of months or years later you claim again that the same God now says she is not. A guy approaches you and after praying, you claim to have got or obtained approval from your Creator. This you renege upon later. Why? Because God now says you have made a mistake and should forthwith stop the relationship. Thus, God has somehow become a liar. He has become a pools taker; somebody that tries his luck or bets with people’s lives. You might be thinking, ‘Isn’t it possible that an individual can genuinely make a mistake of choice?’ My answer: it is more than possible but what I am trying to make you understand is this, that genuine mistake is an expensive one; one that has great spiritual consequences. The Holy Book says:
“…let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay (i.e. either yes or no): for whatsoever is more than these comes of (from) evil”. 7 -9
You use God’s name, word and reputation to start a relationship, and you also (later) use God’s name, word and reputation to dismantle the same relationship. Is the Creator the kind of person that says ‘YES’ today and ‘NO’ tomorrow? God said:
“For I am the LORD, I change not (i.e. I cannot be dilly-dallying on important life issues)…’ 10 -13
The tongue was used to start the relationship in the first instance, and heaven had recorded it. God had taken note of it and after some couple of months or years, you renege on the agreement. Heaven will simply take your word as being idle talk, complete jabbering, which you will be answerable to on the Day of Judgement. That word (proposal or acceptance), you have reneged upon either justifies or condemns you. By starting a relationship, you have entered into a covenant, a spiritual agreement that, unknowingly to mankind (many times), heaven takes with all seriousness. Why? Because God:
‘…magnifies (exalts, regards, honours, esteems and respects) his words above his entire name’. 14
If God takes his words more serious than his name, He expects us to do likewise. Your words or what you utter 15 travels faster, easier and last longer. In fact, it is your word(s) that gives you a name 16. Every idle word will be judged because every idle word is being recorded and taken serious 17 in heaven.
Viewing it from a not so different perspective; scripture is explicit on the fact that the way one thinks, is the way he/she will be 18. This is because what one thinks about is what he will talk about or utter, which ultimately will be his/her pursuit. In another sense, what you think or have in you is what you confess. If you confess negatively, you possess negativity 19. If you think 20 you can never be rich or wealthy, you will confess it 21 and because you have done this, you will live in poverty.
By uttering negativity, we automatically invite it into physical manifestation 22 for “…by your words you shall be justified (set free)… (or) condemned” 23. If what we say 24 becomes reality in our lives, do you still hold the view that your utterances before, starting and during any broken relationship is of no importance? Even if it has no relevance, don’t you think it is better to be on the safer side, by not saying anything at all?
Somebody might say, “What if I didn’t use my tongue to communicate the message?” It does not matter. What matters is the fact that you have communicated. You had impressed an opinion on the other person or persons 25. Do you know how many lives have been destroyed due to broken relationships? How many sorrows, hates, angers, distrusts, curses etc have been invoked? Many have lost their senses26, pride and self-worth. Some that have been affected by broken relationships do not even see any reason(s) for living anymore and had become suicidal or had prematurely and untimely ended their lives.
Somebody once said, “What if I made it clear before starting the relationship that it will be on a trial bases? 27. All right! But what if that trial did not work out and it led to pregnancy? Even if it did not lead to pregnancy, the tendency is high that somebody will get involved, attached, affectionate, dependent and intimate. What if the trial did not work out and none of the above effects occurred? That is, both partners just went their different ways and nobody got hurt. Well, it is not an impossibility; however, how many of such relationships end up this way? Get serious!!!
I am not talking about a date/relationship that was broken because a partner committed sexual sin or because of external forces28 that could not just be overlooked. I am talking of a relationship that was broken because a partner’s interest diminished, due to some flimsy and selfish excuse(s). It ceased because somebody had a secret agenda, an ulterior motive thus, any mistake could be easily lashed upon to break the relationship. For example: “We are just not compatible”. How much energy have you two put into solving this? “She nags a lot”. This can be worked upon! “He is too strict” Accepted, but can still be worked upon. “She is not sociable”. “He does not fit into my class”. “She is not intelligent enough”. “His dress sense is awful”. “She is the dirtiest girl I have ever met”. “I don’t think he has the wits to take care of my needs”. All of a sudden, you have become God that undoubtedly knows the future. In fact the list is and can be endless.
Dating is not child’s play. It belongs to the matured; to those that have grown physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially (or purpose driven) and spiritually. Stop playing with the emotions of people because when you propose or accept a proposal, others hear and somehow29 get involve. When you break a relationship, it may seem that it is only the person you broke the relationship with that is affected; that suffers. What about the person’s parents, siblings, cousins, nieces, nephews, uncles, aunties, colleagues, friends, acquaintances, etc? What about the person’s job, education, ministry or whatsoever the person is doing at the time?
Do not think I am making it up, I know what I am saying. A close pal of mine failed his ‘Industrial Training’ course because of a broken relationship. At the time it happened, it was never heard that a student in this particular university30 ever failed or could ever fail an industrial training course, but he (my pal) was so disrupt that he did not and could not say a word when he was to defend the training. In fact he broke down crying and was adjudged not to have done the training at all thus, was demoted to the lower level.
Words are powerful. They either build or destroy. Promises made are expected to be kept. If you fail to keep it, heaven condemns you on the inevitable Day of Judgement no matter how long it31 takes. Please and please, do not start or enter any relationship without being a hundred and twenty percent (120%) sure or assured divinely. It is no joke. You are not dealing only with your life and future but with the life and future of a whole lot of people including the unborn. Thus, you need to be physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially, and spiritually mature.
PHYSICAL MATURITY
This is for the individual (girl) to have developed sexually. To develop sexually32 does not mean puberty. It goes beyond puberty. It surpasses a girl starting menstruation, growing hips and having breasts. It is more than a girl developing hairs under the armpits and the pubic region. Maturity in this sense has to do with the girl’s reproductive systems/organs being capable of withstanding the stress of carrying a baby. The reproductive system/organs of a thirteen year old girl though can be put in the family way, may not33 be able to withstand the stress and pressure of pregnancy successfully. It is a scientific fact that it takes sixteen weeks34 for a hen35 to start producing eggs. However, most agriculturists or animal production experts prefer a minimum of eighteen weeks and above. Their reason: the animals’ reproductive organs though can start the process of egg production has not fully mature to withstand successfully and comprehensively, the rigors involve in producing eggs.
The same applies to young girls. I am not going to put an age to this because there are females36 which are above twenty years of age and yet do not have wombs that can withstand this stress. As we have teenagers that start menstruation at seventeen years of age, so also we have young women (above twenty years) that may have their wombs not yet ready and or developed for pregnancy. The problem might be hereditary, environmental circumstances, feeding habits, nutritional deficiencies etc, but the bottom line is this; it is highly unadvisable for early and mid-teenagers getting pregnant for many do end up with diverse gynaecological complications including Vesico Vaginal Fistula (VVF), pregnancy-induced hypertension (PIH), anaemia, stillbirths and infant deaths. Pregnancy-induced hypertension (or high blood pressure) mostly leads to stillbirths and VVF causes involuntary urination which can be very nauseating, shameful, uncomfortable and disgraceful. Late teenagers generally may have had their reproductive organs developed enough for pregnancy but the question is: ‘Are they ready emotionally, psychologically, financially and spiritually?
This is not the same with boys. A boy that reaches puberty; that has started growing muscles, moustaches and beards; developing a husky voice or hairs under the armpits and pubic region is physically mature enough to impregnate the opposite sex. This, in a way, is unfortunate for since they (boys) do not bear the burden37, it makes many38 highly irresponsible; but who is to say the creation of God is unfortunate or not good enough. Even if the whole world39 uses God’s creation for destructive purposes, it still does not remove the undeniable truth that: ‘…everything that He (God) had made…was (and is) very good (outstandingly perfect)…’ 40
EMOTIONAL MATURITY
It has to do with the feelings and dating mainly involves the emotions: that is the feelings of loving, hating, being angry and sad. It is a feeling of guilt, joy, sorrow, fear and the likes. In fact, it is the emotions that actually propel us into dating, intimate relationship, sex or sexual intercourse and marriage. I do not think I would be wrong if I assert that without the emotions, dating would be meaningless, except in cases where the relationship was arranged and even in this, emotions play a very serious part. Let us turn our attention to the Bible:
‘Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost’. 41
Such a simple scriptural verse with so much seeming irrelevance to emotions but let us start like this: In trying to describe the birth of Jesus Christ our Savior the verse opened with a simple truth. Mary was espoused to Joseph. To espouse means to give your support to a belief42. So, if Mary was espoused (past tense), it means she had given her support to a belief43. She had done some sitting down and actually some thinking 44 for sometime. She had to believe in this man to have agreed to be espoused to him. She had gone through the emotions of liking, appreciating, fearing, considering, had probably being angry at or put off by Joseph; her heart may have skipped ones or twice or more at the presence/sight of this man called Joseph. She must have weighed her emotions and decided at one point or another that this is the man I like, can love and would love to spend my life with. She had arrived at a junction of believing in this man’s future; that this man will be good for her and to her; will love her; would believe and trust her; would give her a secure future etc. The emotions must have thoroughly gone through some serious drills.
When you are dating, one part of your being that must be kept under control is your emotions. If you truly love that person you are in a relationship with, you will always crave for his/her presence. You will want to see, feel, touch, talk to, smile at, be and converse with the person. The only language your emotions will understand at this period is to be with your lover45. You will have so many pet names for him or her. My ‘love’, ‘friend’, ‘companion’, ‘sister’ or ‘brother’, ‘father’ or ‘mother’, ‘honey’, ‘sugar’, my ‘only one’, my ‘joy’, my ‘happiness’ etc. Some of us will even go to the extent of using different phrases like: “Without you I cannot breathe, eat or drink”. “I may not survive if I don’t see you soon”. “It is when I see you that I feel safe”. “The sound of your voice thrills me and adds joy to my heart”. “You are mine and nobody will take you away from me”. “I will love you till my dying day”. “I feel lonely without you”. “I will die if you don’t come and see me”. The list is endless.
These thoughts and phrases are good for that is exactly what dating46 is all about but it can be destructive if not checked. This is a period when the emotions go haywire that, if not controlled, can lead to both parties indulging in pre-marital sex. This can result in hate, sorrow, disappointment, distrust, guilt, tears, hurt, regrets, sexually transmitted diseases (STD), loss of virginity, pregnancy etc. if you are not emotionally mature enough to put your feelings under checked at the thought, utterance, touch, sight and sound of your partner, please and please, do not make the mistake of starting a relationship. It’s dangerous!
Biblically, to be espoused means to have been betrothed or promised in marriage. It was not (especially in the Jewish custom) a case of giving it a trial. They had promised each other marriage and were waiting to perfect their relationship by marrying each other. Theirs47 was expected to (and should) end in marriage. To have gone this far means both families had got involved and had agreed. It was a situation of no turning back:
‘... (and) angel Gabriel was sent from God…to a virgin espoused (promised in marriage) to a man whose name was Joseph…’ 48
This Mary was not only promised in marriage to Joseph, she was also a virgin and all of a sudden49, this VIRGIN became pregnant and the wedding proper had not yet taken place.
Now, the Bible made it easy for us reading the story to know that it was the Holy Spirit that was responsible for the pregnancy. It was however, not as easy for the people involved. Mary was a young woman, what we call a ‘lady’ in our days. She had never had sex in her life. She probably had friends of the same age and status that were equally virgins like her and suddenly50, she is pregnant. I see a situation where her body features had started changing, showing or indicating her condition and somebody or someone51 would have noticed. Tongues would have started wagging, and people would have started asking questions. The act of mockery would have been the order of the day.
If this happens in the twenty-first century (21st) and Mary’s friends, parents, uncles, aunties, companion, neighbors, co-workers etc, got wind of her condition; it would not be easy to explain that the Holy Spirit of God was the one responsible. How many people do you think would believe her? In fact it would be more of gossip, rumors, lies, half-truths, unprofitable jestings, unproductive mockeries and ridicules that would have been their responses. By saying, “…be it unto me (Mary) according to thy (Angel Gabriel) word”. 52 She practically and indirectly signed her own death certificate:
‘If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city and lie with her (had sex with her); Then you shall bring them both (man and damsel) out unto the gate of the city (public place), and you shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city;…so you shall put away evil from among you’. 53
The Jewish community at the time was a very strict one. Laws are meant to be adhered to by force and offenders at the time had jungle justice as their ultimate reward. A young lady or damsel that had not being properly given in marriage to a man and caught in fornication or adultery is simply stoned to death54. Mary was not caught committing sexual sin but was just discovered to be pregnant and the only reasonable reason that could be adduced for this is fornication or adultery. Thus, by accepting the word of the angel, she signed with her own hands, her death warrant.
Though the scripture was silent about it, Mary must have gone through some highly uncomfortable and emotional trauma. The abuses; slights; rumors; curses; derisions; rejections; ridicules; ludicrous comments; mockeries etc. One might say that she had the Holy Spirit to comfort her since it was the Holy Spirit that put her in the family way. How many of us remembers and or regards the words, promises, assurances, presences, comforts, mercies, grace, affections and the power of the Spirit of God, when situations around us becomes bad, uncomfortable and unbearable?
Why was Mary not stoned to death? There might have been diverse reasons, which possibly could have included her family and close relatives believing her story. I want us to know that Mary had a way of life; a lifestyle before this incident and that way of life gave her a reputation. Probably after the initial shock of discovering she was pregnant her family had a re-think. I mean, this was a person that had been living a life of chastity; her movements and dealings with people55 had never been suspicious to attract scrutiny. Mary was a true child of her righteous and holy Creator; and all of a sudden, she is pregnant.
The life of the members of her family was not at stake since the Bible made it clear that ‘the fathers (parents, guardians etc) shall not be put to death for the children, neither shall the children be put to death for the fathers: (but) every man (woman, boy or girl) shall be put to death for his (or her) own sin’.56 So, they could have gladly released her57 to be stoned to death; at least to punish and possibly remove the disgrace she had obviously brought on the family but they did not. Why?
Apart from the Holy Spirit conviction58, I want to believe that her family and relatives started putting these facts (her lifestyle) together, then concluded and decided to believe her but there was still a small problem. For Mary’s plight not to be a case for public discussion, debates, arguments and or disgrace, somebody’s action or inaction was vital. How did Joseph react to all these when he heard about her condition?
‘Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not willing to make her a public example (disgrace), was minded to put her away privily (secretly or privately)’ 59
The first word that disturbs me in this verse is ‘husband’. How can Joseph be referred to as ‘her husband’ when the marriage proper had not taken place? Maybe it was a mistake and some kind of presumptuous writing. While I may agree (temporarily for now) with the latter, I completely disagree with the former, because:
‘…no prophecy (word, utterance, speech, command, appeal, claim, advice etc) of the scripture is of any private interpretation (i.e. no man conjured it up). For the prophecy came not in old time by the will of man: but holy men of God spoke as they were moved by the Holy Ghost’. 60 - 61
The term (husband) used was not a mistake but it could have been presumptuous for, by considering the time the book of Matthew was written we already know that they eventually got married. New Living Translation used the word ‘fiance’62. This seems to have put us on the right or better path however, we will look deeper into this later.
Joseph was a just63 man. I believe he loved Mary dearly thus; it must have been a rude shock to him to hear that she was pregnant knowing fully well he was not responsible. His emotions must have run riot. He must have felt disappointed, confused, angry, dejected, unhappy, hateful, saddened, disgraced etc, and in this emotional confusion he still felt love for Mary. How do I know?
‘…Joseph… (was) not willing to make her a public example (disgrace)…’ 64
When the Bible said, ‘…charity (or love) shall cover (forgive or overlook) a multitude of sins’ 65. It was referring to divine love. Joseph (somehow) had a kind of divine love for her. Do you have divine love for your partner? In the Jewish society then, Mary getting pregnant was a disgrace to womanhood and also a slight on Joseph’s manly ability to judge and choose right. People that knew he was not responsible for the pregnancy would have told him to his face that he lacked good judgment; enough not to have pity on her. He would have heard all sorts of rumors and lies about Mary and her family; and in the midst of all these, he still loved her. Love (divine love), indeed, does forgive and or overlook a multitude of sins (sexual sin inclusive). Do you have that kind of love? Can you withstand this sort of situation if you were the one in Joseph’s shoes? Would you still love the person you are engaged to as not to disgrace him or her publicly? Are you in control of your emotions?
Joseph did not only love her but also feared for her. He knew that Mary would not only be publicly put to shame, ridiculed and disgraced, but will also be stoned to death as required by law66. He loved her so much67 that he was not willing to disgrace and have her killed. Now, Joseph’s life was not at any risk even if he claims responsibility for the pregnancy since they were already dating or engaged. In the Jewish law, if two people68 are not dating and are caught committing, or to have committed fornication, they are not killed but only required to marry each other69. How much more those already engaged to be married. However, Joseph’s reputation was at stake of being tarnished.
His emotions were running haywire; he was probably disgusted, dejected and disappointed. Disappointed because, this was somebody that he thought loved him. How could she have gone to sleep with another man; that means she never really believed in the relationship; so all the love, interest, cooperation, planning etc that she showed were pretences. Yet, in all of these, he was able to control his emotions and decided to break the relationship privately to first clear his name70 and secondly, save the life of this young precious woman he dearly loves so much. Can you do this?
Emotions in relationships, makes proper and thorough thinking difficult, almost impossible. Put yourself in the shoes of all these people, do you truthfully and sincerely believe you would have come out unscathed and not wrecked with all your emotions running riot? PLEASE, develop71 the ability of putting your feelings in-check before contemplating dating.
PSYCHOLOGICAL MATURITY
Psychology is the scientific study of the mind and how it influences our behavior. It refers to the kind of mind that somebody has that makes him or her think or behaves in a particular way. Your psychological state dictates how you think and what will be the outcome of your thought, which will eventually manifest, physically. Thus:
‘… (Joseph) was minded (the mind or thought) to put her away privily (secretly or privately)’ 72
Joseph was not only able to control his feelings; he was also a thinker, a good thinker. For you to know, beyond any reasonable doubt that Joseph was a thinker and that you need also to develop your mind73, verse twenty (20) of Matthew chapter nineteen (19) started this way:
‘But while he thought (using his mind; his thinking ability) on these things (Mary’s pregnancy, her family’s decision to stand by her, public reactions, his self-image, his love for Mary etc)…’ 74 -75
Joseph was somebody that had some appreciable level of knowledge, understanding and experience of life coupled with the societal circumstances (dos and don’ts) of his community. Now to be a ‘good thinker’ depends more on our background, our lifestyle. Many of us76 do not use our brains at all. This concerns the ladies more. You77 allow too much of your emotions to make decisions for you. While I do know and appreciate the fact that the feminine gender is made78 more to be an emotional being, I also recognized79 that basing critical life decisions solely on emotions can be disastrous.
It is a fact today that the number of broken relationships and divorces are increasing daily and one major, very significant reason for this is that many relationships or marriages are based on emotions. Many youths (especially females), when on the verge of starting a relationship, always give the same reason for dating: “I love him (or her) so much and that’s good enough for me”. Love is very important in a relationship but it is not the only criterion needed for a successful and rewarding relationship. Yes, love probably takes between sixty to seventy percent80, but the remaining thirty to forty percent81 are equally as important. Your brain tells you how real and enduring the relationship will or might be.
Some do use their brain but still come out short in making good decisions. This is due to their low level of knowledge, understanding and experience of life and the society they find themselves.
Knowledge means the state of knowing about a particular fact or situation. It can also be defined as the information, understanding and skills that you gain through education and or experience. ‘Knowledge is power’, which was why Christ said: “…and you shall know the truth and the truth shall make (set) you free” 82. However, it is the truth you know that sets you free. What about the truth you are yet to know or don’t know.
This it what I am trying to say: how many books, sermons83, counsels, shows, seminars, workshops, etc have you read, heard or had on dating, relationships, marriage, life, your society, your custom, family life and the opposite sex? Let me drop this: the more of these84 that you accumulate, the better you get and the more knowledgeable you become
Understanding is to have the knowledge of how and why things happens; how and why things work and their impact or importance. How many of the books, sermons83, counsels, shows, seminars, workshops, etc that you have read or attended, have you really understood their contents? For example, some guys believe that when girls smile at them, gives them audience, decides to get acquainted with them, shows interests or just visits them, then it means she wants to have a relationship with them. This is85 not always the case and it shows a lack of understanding and great immaturity. Girls believe that when a guy starts showing interest and tries to indulge in a conversation, then he is after their pants86. While I do agree that most guys are like this, it is also good to know that we are not all the same.
Experience comes from knowing and understanding a person(s), societies, situations, skills, arts, circumstances etc for some period of time87.
FINANCIAL MATURITY
(To Be Purpose Driven)
In this sense, I am not saying the individual should have a job, should have a good financial backing or stability; must be rich; must have enough resources for a wedding and the likes. What I am actually talking about is that the person must have a vision88 for and possibly be pursuing a lifestyle that will ensure financial safety and provision. I mean something like a career goal, pursuit and or stability. Joseph was already a carpenter. He had some form of financial provision. You want to start a relationship, what many will see as planning for your own nuclear family which involves a lot of expenses and you do not even have some form or kind of career (financial) pursuit. People will simply not take you serious, because:
‘…if any provide not for his own, and specially (especially) for those of his own house (family), he has denied the faith (the Christian faith or belief), and is worse than an infidel (unbeliever, atheist, evildoer, unrighteous person, somebody that rejects God’s Way, Plan and His Son)’ 89
As the feminine gender has more problems with emotions and thinking, finance concerns the masculine gender the more. All through the scriptures with the verse above inclusive, the emphasis has always being on the masculine gender, as being responsible for the welfare and up-keep of his family. ‘…if any provide not for his own…his own house, he has denied the faith…’ 89. The emphasis is on the masculine pronoun that was used90. This is why the Bible concluded that:
‘…the husband is the head (i.e. leader, caretaker, sustainer, upholder, cultivator, custodian, janitor, overseer, provider, protector, supporter, motivator, shepherd, guardian, guide, counselor, adviser, intercessor, pathfinder, the person responsible to God, that nourishes, pastor, teacher, encourager) of the wife…’ 91 - 94
This is not saying the girls are excluded, but their own responsibility is to help95 the man in ensuring that the welfare and up-keep of the family is attained, maintained, protected and preserved96.
‘And the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help (woman) meet for him” 97
In a nutshell, to be qualified for dating, you must have a career goal, pursuit or stability. Either education; apprenticeship or trading, all that matters or is important is that, you must not appear98 as an individual with no genuine aim or plan of taking care of himself or herself. You must not appear like somebody that will end up as a dependent, especially when things are difficult, does not work out or seems it will not work out. Have a vision, a goal and a focus.
SPIRITUAL MATURITY
To talk about the spiritual is to talk about God, our Creator, Source, Savior, Builder, Protector, Guardian, Guide, Comforter, Director, Father, Judge, Inspirer, Healer, Restorer, Counselor, Controller, Deliverer, LORD, Ruler, Master, Constructor, General, Advocate, Mercy Giver, Grace Bestowal, Author, Finisher, Beginning, Ending etc. To talk about the spiritual is to talk about our closeness, obedience, relationship, communication, interaction, mingling, fellowship, submissiveness and communion with the ‘Heavenly Father’99; the ‘Father of spirits’100 and the ‘Father of lights’101.
‘God is a Spirit (a Spiritual Being or Entity): and they that worship (and will worship) him must worship him in spirit and in truth’ 102
To worship (here) also means to obey, be close or submit to; relate, communicate, interact, mingle with, fellowship and commune with God. So, does God have a say at all in your life? If He does, how much ‘say’ does He have? How deep is your relationship with the Divine One on the matters of life, generally? Who dictates your life, your movements, your thoughts, speech, senses etc?
‘But while he (Joseph) thought on these things, behold the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream, saying, “Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto you Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost” 103
You may find it funny that I keep going back to this portion of the scripture104 but those verses, in its own seemingly simple form, is so loaded. I doubt if five Christian literature books105 can contain the hidden revelations in it. For Joseph to take the right and correct step on this issue106, God had to direct him. For you not to mess up in dating and ultimately marriage, God must guide you spiritually. It is only your Creator that knows assuredly, your future. So, He is the only one qualified to set your feet aright. How much of God do you possess? 107
I would also like to state that to have a successful relationship with God; truth108 is of great essence for:
“…He (God the Father) that sent me (Jesus Christ) is true, whom you know not” 109-113
Now:
“…Joseph…fear not to take unto you Mary your wife…”114
Why ‘wife’? First it was ‘husband’115 and now it is ‘wife’. I want us to note the fact that this was a statement made by an Angel. A messenger of the Most High God and I would not want to see it as an error or a slip of tongue. Why did Angel Gabriel call Mary, Joseph’s wife when they were yet to be married legally?
I won’t claim to know the answer but it leaves me with a question that scares me. If Mary was only espoused116 to Joseph, does it mean heaven (God) recognises them as already married (spiritually) when Angel Gabriel referred to her as Joseph’s wife? The Angel said, “…fear not to take…” Which means they have not yet married, “…unto you Mary your wife…” Does it mean that when we start to date, heaven (i.e. God Himself) recognizes it as been married spiritually? Before you misquote me, I am not saying to be married spiritually is a license for coitus but that the souls have been spiritually bonded together through a covenant (i.e. what was communicated).
My brother, my sister; the very thought alone creates shivers down my spine117. Does your ‘YES’ mean your ‘YES’ or your ‘YES’ actually means your ‘NO’. Prevention is definitely better than cure. Joseph went ahead to marry Mary irrespective of the circumstances involved. This shows his love for his God and likewise his love (unconditional) for Mary; taking on or sharing in the shame she should have endured alone118.
Conclusively, all these criteria119 are important and must be complete. If one of it is missing or not up to God’s standard, the relationship is in danger of been jeopardized. Many of us spend countless spiritual hours praying about the other person we hope to date or are dating120, believing or having the wrong and or unconscious impression that one is already perfect. Stagnant waters stinks; an individual that has stopped developing physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially and spiritually also stinks; is not regarded or becomes nauseating and abominable. Thus, spend the time (before dating) developing yourself on these criteria.
ENDNOTES
James 3:5c-6a.
What we use to communicate.
James. 3:6c.
The tongue, ‘…can no man tame (control or put in check); it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. Therewith (with the tongue) bless we God even the Father; and therewith curse we man (our fellows, friends, enemies, families, neighbours, acquaintances etc), which are made after the similitude (or image, likeness) of God. Out of the same mouth proceeds blessing and cursing. My brethren, these ought not to be so’. James. 3:8-10.
Matthew. 12:36-37.
Individuals.
Matthew. 5:37.
“For the Son of God, Jesus Christ…was not yea and nay (i.e. not yes and no), but in him was yea. For all promises of God in him (Christ) are yea”. II Corinthians. 1:19-20a.
“But above all things…swear not, neither by heaven, neither by the earth, neither by any other oath: but let your yea be yea (your yes should be your yes) and your nay, nay (your no should be your no); lest you fall into condemnation” James. 5:12.
Malachi. 3:6a.
Concerning Jesus Christ, the book of Hebrews says: ‘Jesus Christ (is) the same yesterday, and today, and for ever’. Hebrews. 13:8.
Other scriptural verses affirm that: ‘… (with) the Father (God) of lights… (there) is no variableness (i.e. always the same and never changing), neither shadow of turning’. James. 1:17.
‘…thou (God) art the same, and thy years shall have no end’. Psalms. 102:27.
Psalms. 138:2.
Knowingly or unknowingly.
Credible or otherwise.
On a second by second bases.
Proverbs. 23:7a.
Vice-versa.
Because of your background, abilities, economic circumstances etc.
Most times, unconsciously.
In our lives.
Matthew. 12:37.
Positive or negative.
Family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, acquaintances etc.
Gone mad.
That is if it works out or not.
Family or attitudinal problems, medical reasons and the likes.
Actively or passively.
As a whole
Day of Judgement
In the sense of this book.
Scientifically.
Approximately four months.
Not a local hen but poultry breed.
Though the exception.
Pregnancy.
Teenage boys.
Mankind.
Genesis. 1:31a.
Matthew. 1:18.
To what one believes in.
Joseph.
And weighing.
Or the person you are in love with.
A period for romance, strong and deep affection
Dating type.
Luke. 1:26-27.
Before anybody could say JACK ROBINSON.
In the midst of all these.
Especially the elderly female folks.
Luke. 1:38b.
Deuteronomy. 22:23-24.
John. 8:3-5.
Especially the opposite sex.
Deuteronomy. 24:16.
Mary.
Not so likely.
Matthew. 1:19.
II Peter. 1:20-21.
‘All scripture is given by (the) inspiration of God…’ II Timothy. 3:16.
That is a man; a woman is engaged to marry or has agreed to marry.
Righteous.
Matthew. 1: 19.
I Peter. 4:8b.
Deuteronomy. 22:23-24.
Before and after the incident.
Male and female; not related.
Deuteronomy. 22:28-29.
Reputation.
Or pray for.
Matthew. 1:19b.
To be a thinker.
Matthew. 1:20a.
‘As he considered this (these things)…Matthew. 1:20a (NLT).
I am very sorry to say.
Ladies.
By God.
Talking from my personal experience.
60%-70%.
30%-40%.
John 8:32.
Messages.
Books, messages, counsels, seminars etc.
Few times.
That is, he is looking for sex.
For more information on knowledge, understanding and experience, check my book on MASTURBATION…What you need to know.
Or goal.
I Timothy. 5:8.
He and His.
Ephesians. 5:23.
‘…the head of the woman is the man…’ I Corinthians. 11:3.
‘Unto the woman He (God) said… “thy (the woman) desire shall be to thy husbands, and he shall rule (govern or have control) over you (woman)”. Genesis. 3:16.
Then He (God) said to the woman… “And though your (woman) desire will be for your husband (or though you/she may desire to control your/her husband), he will be your master (i.e. the one responsible to God in providing for the wife)”. Genesis. 3:16 (NLT).
Not serve and or slave.
Proverbs. 31:10-31.
Genesis. 2:18.
In God and people’s sight.
Matthew. 6:14.
Hebrews. 12:9.
James. 1:17.
John. 4:24.
Matthew. 1:20.
That is Matthew. 1:18-20.
With a minimum of 150-pages each.
Mary’s pregnancy.
More on this in the next chapter.
Not lies and or half-truths.
John. 7:28d.
“…this is life eternal, that they (mankind) might know you (as) the only true God (the Father), and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent” John. 17:3.
“…I (Jesus Christ) am the way, the truth, and the life: no man comes unto the Father, but by me” John. 14:6.
“…I (Jesus Christ) will pray (entreat) the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter…even the Spirit of truth (Holy Spirit)…for he dwells with you, and shall be in you” John. 14:16-17.
“…the truth shall make (set) you free” John. 8:32.
Matthew. 1:20.
Matthew. 1:19.
Given or promised in marriage
That is my very soul.
Deuteronomy. 22:23-24, 28-29.
Physical, emotional, psychological, financial and spiritual maturity.
And hopefully get married to.
Chapter Three
STARTING…
The million dollar question is, ‘how do I start dating?’ And the reason is not far-fetch for we live in a society that has different ways, opinions, suggestions and teachings on how to start dating. Some believe you must pray very (very) hard and have a dream concerning it. That is, no dream, no dating! The question is does God only communicate through dreams? Others believe you must be convinced by God whichever way(s) He chooses to communicate with you while, a new generation of believers say you should just be guided by your instincts and emotions. I have heard ministers and preachers of the word that say, you only have to look through the church and anyone or anybody among the opposite sex that you like or desire (not considering whether the motive is of the flesh or Spirit), you approach and propose to. In other words, ‘you take your pick’. There are still more but the Bible exhorts:
God wants you to be holy, so don’t be immoral in matters (starting a relationship is inclusive) of sex. Respect and honor your wife. Don’t be a slave of your desires or live like people who don’t know God. You must not cheat any of the Lord’s followers in matters of sex…’ 1 - 3
This is the will (mind, commandment, order etc) of God for you in starting a relationship. Do it not in fornication or sexual sin but in holiness, self-control and honor or respect. Not how unbelievers do it via seduction, pampering, arranging, manipulating, scheming, chasing, worldly dating etc, but in solemnity and purity because anyone who fails in this rejects God and His Spirit.
Now let me explain to you how I see the will of God in marriage or relationship. Firstly, it is for you to marry your own kind; somebody that believes in what you believe in; a Christian like you; a thorough born-again, spirit-filled, matured child of the Holy Father because:
‘Can two people (e.g. male and female in a relationship) walk together without agreeing on the direction (or belief)?’ 4 - 5
‘Don’t team up (especially in dating) with those who are unbelievers. How can goodness be a partner with wickedness (unbelievers)? How can light live with darkness? What harmony can there be between Christ and the Devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever?’ 6
If you are truly a temple for God; I mean that you possess a spirit, soul and body which the Father, Son and Holy Spirit dwell in. You will not have any problems(s) knowing, believing and accepting that you cannot but marry a Christian like yourself. This was why Abraham insisted on getting a woman from his own people to marry his son, Isaac.7
Download this book for your ebook reader.
(Pages 1-41 show above.)