You’re not to Blame
Copyright 2011 Misty Reigenborn
Smashwords Edition
Cover Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Blythe woke up to the smell of cigarette smoke. It pissed her off. Not because someone was smoking in her house. She knew that no one could be smoking in the little one bedroom trailer that she’d called home for the last four months. Jasper wouldn’t take the spare key back when she’d begged him to.
It pissed her off because she wanted a cigarette and she was out. Blythe sat up in bed and groaned. Her head hurt. She’d thought that the hangovers would go away but they still seemed to creep up on her every now and then after she had a real bender.
She looked at the picture sitting on her dresser and closed her eyes briefly. It was the last family picture they’d taken before their lives had went to hell. And it was all because of her.
She was wearing a dress though she hated them. Jasper was wearing his only suit. Six year old Sedona was wearing her favorite dress. She loved them. Four year old Brodie was wearing a miniature tuxedo. Two year old Gavin was wearing a tux identical to his older brother’s. He had a superhero cape on top. It was the only way he’d take the picture.
She remembered that day. Jasper had started to yell at Gavin. She’d given him one look and he’d shut up. She’d thought that he’d figured out by then when not to argue with a two year old. She had thought that the addition of the cape in the picture made the picture different than any other boring family portrait. It really was a nice picture she thought, opening her eyes again. Too bad her family was no longer happy.
Or maybe they were she thought. Maybe they were happy without her. She reached over to her nightstand and dug through it, scattering papers on the floor and not caring. No cigarettes.
As she got out of bed, she wondered if her children hated her. She hadn’t seen them in two weeks. Jasper refused to let her see them when she was drunk and lately, she was always drunk. He hadn’t filed for divorce yet, but she figured the day would come all too soon that he would. He would get custody of their children. Right now, she wouldn’t blame a judge for calling her an unfit mother.
Eight short months before, she had been a PTA mom, the kind of mother that baked cookies and made Halloween costumes from patterns. Now she was an alcoholic who couldn’t stay sober long enough to spend the weekend with her kids. It had all started when she’d hit seventeen year old Erica Sommers and killed her with her car.
She hadn’t gone to jail after the accident. She’d been drinking before hand, but she was still well under the legal limits. It had been icy out. Erica had run out in the middle of the road. The girl had been wearing dark clothing and she’d literally come out of nowhere. Blythe hadn’t been able to stop before she hit her.
Blythe still had nightmares about the accident almost every night. She didn’t care if she’d walked away with just a ticket. She had taken the life of a seventeen year old girl and she couldn’t live with herself.
Jasper had tried to get her to go to counseling. He’d wanted them all to go to counseling. He said she was scaring the kids when she woke up screaming at night. Now he said that she couldn’t come home unless she went to rehab and agreed to family counseling. The kids were in counseling now. She wasn’t sure how much help it could be to a four and six year old, let alone a two year old, but he seemed to think it was helping with what he called their separation anxiety.
As Blythe crossed to the room to her dresser, she saw movement out of the corner of her eye. She turned towards the doorway of the bedroom, which was ajar, but there wasn’t anything there. Even the tabby cat that Jasper had let the kids pick out to keep her company when she’d first moved had run away.
She found a half empty pack of cigarettes in her sock drawer and pulled them out, lighting one with a shaking hand. As the nicotine flooded through her blood, she thought she caught a subtle whiff of perfume.
She shook her head at herself and headed to the bathroom. Once she had used the toilet and washed her hands, she headed back to the bedroom. Her cell phone was beeping on the table but she figured it was her mother, who was nagging her about how irresponsible she was being, or her younger sister wanting to tell her about her latest boyfriend, so she left it there.
She crawled back into bed and lit another cigarette, wondering if she would be able to fall back asleep. Her eyes were closed when she heard the voice.
“Blythe.”
The voice was faint, almost like someone talking through a tunnel, or really bad reception on a cell phone. She opened her eyes and saw a faint bluish light in the corner of the room by the closet.
She leaned over and put out her cigarette, thinking that she was hearing things again. She was half asleep when the voice said again “Blythe.”
She opened her eyes and immediately closed them again, thinking that she was really hearing things now and seeing them too. Erica Sommers was standing in the corner of her bedroom.
“Blythe.”
She sat up in bed, reaching for the switch on the bedside lamp, though it was bright in the bedroom already. She was trying to chase away the ghost that was standing by her dresser.
“Blythe, can you hear me?”
Blythe snorted. “I can see you, too. I knew I was going crazy.”
“You’re not crazy Blythe. You need to listen to me.”
“Listen to a ghost? How is that crazy? What are you doing here? Did you come to take your vengeance on me for killing you?”
“Blythe, this isn’t a horror movie. Please listen to me. I don’t know how long I have.”
Blythe sighed. “Sure I’ll listen. Listen to my guilty conscience. That’s what you have to be. You sure as hell can’t really be standing there.”
A smile crossed Erica’s face, then faded. “First of all, you need to get yourself together and go back home to your kids. I can’t get into it, but I’ve been shown a possible future for your children without you. It’s not good Blythe. Jasper is a great dad but they need their mother. Especially your daughter.”
Blythe frowned. Sedona was a daddy’s girl. Always had been. “What will happen to my kids without me? My daughter?”
“Let’s say that if you continue down the road you’re on, they will eventually have a stepmother that isn’t very nice. She’ll be abusive. No one will believe your children at first, not even you or Jasper. By the time you start to believe them and get your life back together, and try to get custody, it will be too late. Sedona will have run away and have a very hard life. One or both or your boys will go to jail, maybe even prison. They’ll grow to be adults that hate both of their parents. Your children deserve better. You all do. You have to straighten your life out. Starting today. This woman has already entered Jasper’s life. He hasn’t been unfaithful to you, but he is thinking of her more and more. Go home Blythe, I am begging you.”
“It’s not that easy Erica.”
“Yes it is. You drank your stash last night. Don’t go back to the liquor store. Call Jasper and tell him that you need help. You know you need help Blythe. Why are you doing this to yourself? I don’t blame you for what happened. I know it was my fault. What my parents said to you, they said because they wanted to take you to court. They thought you had more money than you do. My parents aren’t very nice people. It doesn’t matter. Just go home.”
“I. . . I don’t think I can. My children must hate me.”
“Your children don’t hate you. Jasper doesn’t hate you. They hate what you’re doing to yourself. There is one last thing that I have to ask you. You can say no, but it would mean a lot to me if you would at least listen, okay?”
“Okay.”
“My boyfriend’s name is Chase Peterson. He’s about to be evicted from his apartment. He needs a place to stay right away or he’ll be in danger of losing our daughter and never getting her back.”
“Your-daughter? I didn’t know you had a daughter.”
“I was pregnant when I passed. They were able to save my Angel. She was small but she survived. Since my parents didn’t want her, they gave custody to Chase. They hate him but they didn’t want to raise their daughter’s bastard child.”
“Oh my God. No one ever told me. I could never have lived with myself if I’d known.”
Blythe started to cry.
“Blythe my baby is fine. She has a wonderful father who tells her stories about her mother every night at bed time. Chase is great with her. He just needs a little help right now. He started a new job. Angel’s new day care is more expensive than the last one. If Angel grows up with her Daddy, she’ll be fine. If my baby ends up in foster care, she will live a harder life even than your children will without you. I’m not just saying this, I have been shown. My baby will grow up broken if she goes to foster care. Chase will fight for her until the end, but he’ll lose. He’ll end up overdosing on drugs eventually.”
“That’s so sad.”
Blythe wasn’t sure why she believed what the figment of her imagination standing in the corner of her bedroom was telling her, but somehow, she did.
“I know. Look Blythe, I hate to ask you this, but you’re the only one I know to ask. I’m not playing on your guilt. I don’t think what happened was your fault. I had a good life. My parents weren’t the greatest but I had the world’s best grandmother and the three years that I knew Chase were the best in my life. I was happy. I need to know that my baby will be okay. You own this trailer right?”
“Yes.”
The trailer was the first place she and Jasper had lived after they’d been married. They’d continued to pay the lot rent on it after they’d moved. They thought at least one of their kids could use it when they got older.
“Can Chase and Angel stay here? Until he gets back on his feet?”
“Yes, of course. But won’t the invitation sound strange coming from the woman that killed his girlfriend?”
“I already talked to him about you. He’s much easier to get through to than you were, I guess since we were so close. His number’s in the phone book. He’s expecting your call. I can’t thank you enough for this Blythe. I don’t know what I would have done otherwise. I have to go. Please go home to your family.”
The girl faded away as suddenly as she’d appeared.
Blythe sat back and reached absentmindedly for another cigarette. What had just happened? The ghost of the teenage girl whose life she’d taken couldn’t really have talked to her from beyond the grave, could she have? Wondering if she really was going crazy, Blythe got up and went to the kitchen.
There was a phone book on the top of the refrigerator. She pulled it down and paged through until she found the P’s. There were many listings for Peterson but no Chase. She put the book back and sighed. She was losing it.
Then she glanced at the date on the cover of the book and noticed it was several years old. Was it possible that Erica’s boyfriend’s number was too new to be listed in that edition of the phone book?
She went to the hall closet and shoved aside some old winter coats, to see if there was a newer copy of the local phone book. But there was nothing. She’d look the number up online but she’d left the computers with Jasper. He used the desktop and the kids played games on the laptop.
She went back to the bedroom, wondering how she was going to explain this to her husband without sounding crazy. She closed her eyes briefly, feeling a headache coming in. Then she figured she could simply tell him that she had heard a rumor that Erica had been pregnant and she wanted to talk to the baby’s father and see if they needed anything. It could come up in conversation that they were being evicted. Her natural giving, trusting nature piled on top of her guilt over the accident, could certainly bring her to a decision to let them stay there without a visit from Erica’s ghost.
She wasn’t sure how much Jasper would appreciate it, or the quickly come upon decision that she’d made to give Chase Peterson the trailer, but right now she didn’t care. Erica’s baby deserved to have a good life, to grow up with her father instead of with strangers.
Blythe had been in foster care briefly when she was a child. Her mother had refused to leave Blythe’s abusive stepfather. When the school had seen bruises, they’d called Child Protective Services. When the social worker had asked her if she’d wanted to live somewhere else, Blythe’s eight year old mind had thought that it meant going to live with her grandmother and had immediately said yes. It had meant foster care until her stepfather finally decided to leave at his own behest and she’d been returned to her mother.
It had been traumatic. Blythe hated to think of another child going through the system. She reached for her cell phone and dialed her home phone number. Jasper would have a phone book.
Her son’s small voice answered “’Lo?”
She suddenly wanted to cry again. “Hi baby. Mommy misses you and your big brother and sister. I love you Gavin.”
“Love you too Mommy. I’m goin’ to school.”
“I know baby. Can I talk to Daddy please?”
The phone was dropped. It was her daughter’s voice that answered. “Mom. When are you coming home? We miss you. Dad can’t cook.”
Blythe laughed. “I know he can’t baby. I’m going to talk to your Dad about coming home real soon okay? I love you.”
“I love you too Mom. Here’s Dad.”
“Blythe?”
“Yes Jasper. Can I ask you a favor please?”
His voice was cautious. “What is it?”
“Can you look up a number for me in the phone book? Chase Peterson.”
“Who’s that?”
She could hear him paging through the phone book. “Erica Sommers’s boyfriend.”
Jasper’s voice still had a cautious note. “Why do you want his number?”
“Someone said that Erica was pregnant when the accident happened and that he’s raising their baby.”
“I heard about the baby. I thought her parents were raising it.”
“No. They didn’t want it I guess. Why didn’t you tell me she was pregnant Jasper?”
Jasper sighed. “You would have been more freaked out than you already were Bly. I didn’t think you could take it. Have you thought anymore about what I said? About the rehab? The place is real nice. Bruce’s cousin went there. He sent me a brochure. Our insurance should cover at least part of it. Please babe. At least think about it.”
“I have thought about it Jas.” She took a deep breath, and then let it out slowly. She wasn’t sure how well she was going to handle quitting drinking, or going to counseling, but she knew she had to go home. It what Erica said was right, there was no way she could let her family be torn apart by some woman that Jasper already knew, was already thinking about. “I want to do it, Jas. I want to come home.”
“Bly, are you serious? I mean really serious. It can’t be like last time when you say you’re gonna go and get the kids’ hopes up, just to let them down again.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I’ll really do it this time. I’ll do anything to keep our family together. I love you and the kids so much.”
“We love you too babe. I’ll call Crenshaw and see how soon they can get you in. I’ve got that number for you. Are you ready?”
She wrote the number down that Jasper gave her and repeated it back to him to make sure she had it right.
“Bly, can I ask you something?”
“Go ahead.”
“Did something happen to make you change your mind about rehab? Something that you regret? You know if you did something when you were drunk, I’ll be okay with it. I mean not okay with it, but we can get past it. If you’ll really try.”
She wanted to laugh. Jasper was trying to ask her if she’d slept with someone else while she was drunk without really asking her. She wanted to tell him that she had almost slept with someone on one of the few nights she had went out to the bar instead of getting drunk by herself, but hadn’t gone through with it. She’d kept comparing the guy to Jasper and he’d always come up short. It didn’t seem like the right time to mention it though.
“No Jasper. Nothing like that. I had a dream about Erica. Not one of those nightmares I got that you said came from watching too many horror movies. A good one. She told me that she didn’t blame me and that what happened wasn’t worth ruining our family over. It made me feel better in some strange way.”
“I’m sure she wouldn’t have blamed you babe. It was an accident. One that you feel really terrible about. But it’s time to move on. Our kids need you. They’re tired of Dad’s bad cooking and having their laundry turn colors.”
Blythe laughed. “I love you Jasper. Thank you for sticking by me through all of this.”
“You would have done the same for me Bly. I have to go. Gavin’s got to go to the bathroom. I’m the only one that he’ll let take him.”
“How’s he doing with the potty training?”
“Good most of the time. Other times not so good. Today’s a not so good day so I’d better hurry. Will you call me later?”
“Yes. Goodbye Jasper. Tell the kids I love them.”
“I will. I love you Bly. Goodbye.”
Blythe hung up the phone and pondered the number scrawled on the sticky pad from her nightstand drawer. So Chase Peterson did exist and Erica did have a baby. What were the odds that Chase and the baby whom she’d bet was named Angel were facing eviction? Those were odds she’d take in Vegas.
She dialed the phone, noticing that her hand was still shaking. A masculine voice picked up after three rings and said “Hello.”
“Chase Peterson?”
“Yeah. Who is this?” There was a baby crying in the background.
“Blythe Wayne.”
“Erica told me you might be calling. Guess you’re as crazy as me huh, talking to a ghost. Can you hang on a second please? I need to pick Angel up out of the crib.”
“Of course.”
Blythe lit a cigarette, knowing she was going to have to quit again. She’d quit when she’d learned she was pregnant with Sedona and hadn’t thought of smoking again until the night Erica died.
Chase returned to the phone. “Sorry about that. She’s teething and always wants to be held. They say she cries all the time at the new daycare. I think she misses her Mom.”
Blythe swallowed over the lump that had suddenly grown in her throat. “I’ll bet she does.”
“I don’t blame you. Erica never would have either. People thought she was trash. Her parents are always drunk and doing stupid things in public. I know you’re not like that though. You weren’t drunk when it happened.”
“I wasn’t, but I had been drinking before then. It was stupid. And I am an alcoholic now. I’m going to get help, though. I want to go home to my family. It just took a visit from the ghost of your girlfriend to make me realize how much.”
Chase laughed. “The first time I saw her, I thought I’d lost my mind. But Angel sees her, too. Do you know that the first word the little shit said was ‘Ma Ma’?” Blythe laughed. “But I’m guessing there’s a reason that you called me ma’am.”
“You can call me Blythe. There is a reason yes. Erica said that you might be getting evicted?”
Chase sighed. “Yeah. I’m real short on the rent. The landlord won’t wait any longer. I get paid next week, but we’re two weeks past due already. I’d ask my Mom but she’s always broke since she supports my sister and her kids. Erica’s parents won’t help either. They wouldn’t even buy diapers for the baby when we ran out. I had to figure out how to use those cloth ones that someone donated to the church.”
“I’m sorry Chase.”
“It’s okay. My new job pays a lot better than the old one. We should be doing okay pretty soon. I had to take Angel out of her old day care. A kid got hurt there and no one could explain why. I want my baby to be safe.”
“I know. Chase, my husband and I have a trailer. It’s small but we own it. We pay the lot rent by the year so it’s all paid up for this year. The utility bills don’t normally run too high. We could help you pay them if you needed it. I’m staying there right now, but I should be out within the next couple of days. I’m going home, or at least home after I go to rehab. Will your landlord give you another two or three days?”
“He said he’d give me until Friday.”
“That’s great. Do you have a truck to move your things? If not, I’m sure my husband would be willing to help you. He’s got a truck.”
“I have a truck. It was Erica’s. But I can’t stay at your place without paying you something.”
“Yes, you can. After what happened with Erica, I feel like I need to do something. It’s the least I can do. I want to give the trailer to you and Angel. It’s not much, but at least it’s a start.”
“No way can I let you do that.”
“Before I moved in here, this place had sat empty for almost five years. You can stay as long as you need to. Save your money. If you want to stay here for ten years, then do it. The living room is pretty good sized. Big enough for a pull out couch bed. You can do whatever you want to the place. The yard is small but it’s big enough for a small dog. Angel would probably like a dog when she gets older. There’s a park a few blocks away. There are a lot of really nice families here in the trailer park. It wouldn’t be a bad place for your daughter to grow up.”
“Really? You’d give us your house?”
“Like I said, we don’t use it anymore. It would be much better for it to be used than to sit empty. Please tell me you’ll accept.”
“Well, I wouldn’t take it, if it weren’t for Angel. Someone already called Child Protective Services. They heard we were getting evicted. That worker, she looked so gung ho, I’d bet she’d hand her kid right over to the government if she ever had one.”
Blythe laughed. “I’ve seen a few like that. Let me give you my number so you can let me know when you’re ready to move in. You can keep the furniture if you want or get rid of it. There’s a little shed out back. If you need help with anything, or have any problems, let me know.”
“I don’t know how to thank you.”
“You’re welcome. I don’t think Erica would like either of us very much if there was something that could be done to stop Angel from getting taken away and we didn’t do it.”
“I know. Let me get a pen.”
When Chase returned to the phone, she gave him her number. They hung up shortly after, promising to keep in touch.
Strangely, Blythe felt better than she had in days. She barely wanted a drink, though she knew well enough to know that the cravings were going to hit again. She called Jasper. He wasn’t anywhere near as upset as she thought he’d be when she told him she’d promised the trailer to Chase and Angel.
Three days later, she was in rehab and Chase and Angel had moved into the trailer.
When she got out of rehab, Blythe went home to her family. It hardly seemed strange anymore that a visit from a ghost was what had gotten her her family back. It was enough to know that she had possibly saved not one, but two families in the process.