By
Garry Linahan
Smashwords Edition
Published by
Garry Linahan at Smashwords
Copyright 2011 Garry Linahan
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
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The Tale of Noah
Lesson one
And so it came to pass that the Lord became mega pissed off with the people of the earth.
“Drunks and perverts, the lot of you,” he boomed from the heavens. “Now you’re really gonna get it.”
And so the men and women of the earth did cringe and cower ‘neath the wrath of the Lord, and did dodge lightning bolts adroitly and with amazing agility, considering the hugeness of the night before. For the night before had been The Sinner’s Ball, and a joyous and depraved time was had by all.
“Forgive us, oh Lord,” they now cried as one. “We were not aware our doings were evil.”
“Pig’s arse,” boomed the Lord from his cloud. “Beer, bourbon, weed, oodles of scantily clad wenches. Do you think I came down in the last shower?”
And so it was that the Lord’s own words did spark forth an idea in his own mind.
“Of course,” thought he, “a shower of rain.”
And of precipitation did the Lord’s mind think. So too did the word ‘deluge’ cross the mind of the Lord.
“I’ll drown the bastards,” did thinketh the Lord.
But then, when the Lord took a Bex and calmed down a little, he saw flaws in his great plan.
“Blimey Teddy,” thought he, “I can’t drown them all. I’ll have no-one to boss around and frighten. I’d better save a few… the good ones… oh yeah, and the animals too. I like the animals. They are furry and cute.”
And so it was that the Lord spoketh unto his good mate Noah.
“Noah, old cock,” spake he. “Thou art a good man Noah, not a jerk like many of the others. I have a task for you.”
Noah rolled his eyes. “Like I don’t have enough to do,” he muttered.
“WHAT?” boomed the Lord.
“Nothing, nothing,” replied Noah, as he sat on a rock and rolled a smoke.
Saideth the Lord unto Noah, “Maketh me an ark of Cypress wood. Make rooms in the ark to house the animals of the earth. The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits.”
“What’s that in metric?” interrupted Noah.
“I’m buggered if I know,” bellowed the Lord. “Work it out for yourself.”
The Lord then continued.
“The ark shall have a window, and in its side there shall be a door, for access would be difficult without one. Three decks shall haveth the ark, and reverse cycle air-conditioning shall haveth the ark, and two-way radio shall haveth the ark.”
“Oh Lord,” broke in Noah. “Shall the weather not rot the ark? And shall the ark not also be susceptible to termites?”
“I do wish you would not go ahead of me Noah,” snapteth the Lord. “It really ticks me off when you do that. However, as you have posed these questions, so they shall be answered. To protect the exterior of the ark, you shall apply three coats of Wattyl Solargard. Two coats shall be insufficient, whereas the cost of four coats would prove prohibitive. Therefore, three shall be the number of the coats, and the number of the coatings shall be three.”
“Yeah okay, that’s cool,” replied Noah.
“In answer to your second concern,” yawned the Lord, “the ark shall have but two termites, and two termites only shall haveth the ark. As a matter of fact the ark shall carry two of every creature, and two only. For I shall send a great flood to rid the world of the bent ones, and when the floodwaters recede it is my intention that the two animals of each type shall do the dirty business with each other and so regenerate their species.”
“Well, let’s hope there are no queers amongst them,” joked Noah.
And the Lord did frown upon Noah for his light-hearted banter, yet did snicker within, for the Lord knew well that Noah was a top knacker, and Noah’s jesting had served to tickle the Lord’s funny-bone.
Lesson Two
And so the Lord left Noah to build the ark.
”I’ll catch you later Noah,” spaketh the Lord.
“Yeah, whatever,” replied Noah, as he parked himself back on the rock and mulled over the mighty task before him.
Noah then called forth his three sons, for they would assist him in his great work.
Said Noah unto the eldest, “Bluey, fetch me the wood of a hundred cypress trees.”
Said Bluey unto his father, “Fuckin’ what? Art thou for real?”
Noah once more stated his command. “Yes, Bluey, fetch me the wood of a hundred cypress trees. Take Johnno and young Chooka with you, for they shall help you lug.
Feeling pissed, Bluey, Johnno and Chooka headed north for the great forests of Babylon whereupon they purchased axes of stone. So too did they hire a team of mighty bullocks to haul their hefty load.
Upon the return of the brothers came further commandments from Noah.
“My sons, you have done well, but our work is unfinished. You must now seek the beasts of the earth and bring them here. Two of every kind, wherever they be. Cattle, birds, or creepy crawlies, I seek them all. Taketh with you ropes and twine, and cages of iron. Taketh also with you courage in your hearts, and water to cool your brows. Oh yes, and taketh with you Chooka’s Bug Catcher.”
And so it was that in the days that followed, whilst the three brothers sought the creatures of the earth, Noah quickly slapped the ark together, for Noah had got a hammer for his birthday, and a big box of nails.
Soon all was in readiness for the Great Flood. The Lord was most impressed, and he spoke of this unto Noah.
“Shit-hot Noah,” spake he. “You have done well indeed. The boat’s a bloody ripper mate. As soon as all the animals are loaded up I’ll give you the nod and you can be off.”
And so it was that the beasts of the earth were loaded two by two into the ark. Finally the side door was fixed shut and the Lord spoke once more unto Noah.
“Noah, all is in readiness for the Great Flood. In seven days the heavens shall open and for forty days and forty nights there shall be rain like never before. All that I have created shall perish, save they upon the ark. Water shall rise above all the mountains of the world, but after forty days and forty nights the rains shall cease and the floodwaters shall recede. It should be quite a spectacle.”
“But Lordeth,” interjected Noah, “I know little of sailing mighty waters. Frankly, I’m a little edgy.”
“Fear not, oh Noah,” respondedeth the Lord, “for the great Moses will be available via a direct satellite hook-up. His advice should prove invaluable to you. He’s a bit of a whiz when it comes to river crossings you know.”
“So why not get Moses to do this if he’s so fuckin’ good?” asked Noah of the Lord.
But Moses had endured a great deal already. He had suffered considerable bad press in the wake of the Mt Sinai fire fiasco, and protest though he did that he was innocent, the cynics did heckle him so.
“Listen here you lot,” protested Moses, “that bloody bush was on fire when I got there.”
And Moses was greatly saddened by his disbelievers, and the Lord was witness to his sadness.
“Poor old bastard,” did thinketh the Lord. So too did the Lord think, “Poor prick.”
And lo, it was then that the Lord decided to let Moses take a back seat on the issue of the Great Flood, and so hand-balled the gig to Noah.
Lesson three
Seven days passed slowly on the ark. Noah was keen to get on with things. All those upon the ark did whinge unto Noah. Of boredom did they whinge, and of no tele did they whinge, and of animal stench did they whinge. Whinge too did they of mozzie bites.
“Praise God there are but two and two only mozzies,” spoketh Chooka.
“Be it that thou be not wrong there Chooka,” agreed Johnno.
And so it came to pass that Noah got scotty with his own sons.
“Cease thou belly-aching,” did shouteth Noah.
Finally rains fell upon the ark. So too did rains fall all about the ark, and on all the earth did the rains of heaven fall.
“’Tis pissing down,” noted Bluey.
Noah too did note this. So too did Noah note that near to eight days had gone by when the rains did finally come. Curious was Noah about this, for he knew his Lord to be punctual. What was unknown to Noah was that the Lord had known great strife since last they spoke.
Great trials had been endured by the Lord in the form of great torment from Satan (Leader of the Opposition), for he was pissed on behalf of the sinners and had threatened retribution if he ever got into power.
“Bullshit, Lucifer,” bellowed the Lord. “You’re as weak as piss. Get off my case, man.”
This remark did not go down well with Satan, and a great lightning bolt battle took place between the two, delaying the Lord’s deluge by several hours.
Finally though the rains had come, as was spoken of by the Lord, and all aboard the ark were filled with joy, for now the potted shrubs would get a good soaking.
Less joyous though were the sinners, especially those who had attended the Sinner’s Ball, for lo, they were hardest hit, with 46 mm of rain in the first half hour. So too were the sinners blown down by the winds, and so too were the sinners washed into raging torrents, and over the cliff-tops, and away in the terrible floods of the Lord.
“Be gone you sinners,” cried the Lord as he viewed from above. “Be gone with you and be gone with your laughter, your parties, and your slabs of cans.”
And so the waters rose, and the flood spread to all corners of the earth. And the ark floated above the waters until no more land could be seen from the ark.
“How goeth it?” said Moses via satellite.
“Just the biggest damn swimming pool you’ll ever see,” replied Noah with a grin, and all aboard the ark rejoiced at Noah’s witticism.
Finally, on the fortieth day, the windows of heaven closed and the terrible waters would begin to recede. All aboard the ark were glad of this, for young Chooka had become sick from the seas, and had vomited on every living thing. None though were more glad than Noah, for he had forgotten to install a toilet in the ark, and after forty days and forty nights he needed to find himself a tree, in order to cut a slash.
Lesson four
And so it was that Noah bit the top off a stubbie to celebrate his great work. Careful he was though to not enjoy it too much, for he was in the eyes of the Lord. And careful too was Noah to not say, “That was yummy. I think I’ll have anothery.”
And so the stubbie was now empty and Noah cast it to the deck for a woman to pick up. At the same moment Noah rose to his feet to peer from the window. He turned and grasped a raven that stood nearby, then released the raven through the window.
“Why didst thou do that?” asked Chooka.
“Forsooth,” replied Noah, “the cur had soiled the ark with its dung, and I was keen to piss it off.”
As well as the raven, Noah released a white dove, which was sent to see if the waters had dried from the earth.
The dove was never seen again but the raven soon returned and crapped relentlessly on Noah and his family.
“Fucketh this,” shrieked Bluey as he ducked for cover. “Fuck thy bird off, oh father.”
But betwixt bombardments Noah caught sight of an object clasped in the bird’s beak.
“A stubbie top,” cried Noah. “The raven has returned with a stubbie top.”
And so it was at that moment that Noah knew the floodwaters to be receding from the face of the earth.
After the passing of many days the tops of distant mountains could be seen from the ark and Noah knew that his journey would soon be over, and his great work was done.
As more landmarks of the earth became visible, Noah and his family played ‘I spy’ from the window of the ark. Chooka won the game but Noah remained skeptical, for Chooka had once cheated at ‘Hidey go Seek.’
Finally, mountaintops were appearing all about the ark, so close that Noah felt he could almost touch them. But of course, Noah had been into the stubbies again.
Then at last, one fine morning, with a crunch and a strange little popping sound that made everybody laugh, the great boat came to rest upon Mt Ararat. Noah knew it to be Mt Ararat because he had once camped there, during the ‘Miracles Galore’ jambouree.
The animals were quickly released and shooed away.
“Go on, get out of here. Go on, piss off,” Johnno was heard to say.
At that moment the Lord spoke once again unto Noah.
“Oh Noah, you have done well. I shall not forget your hard work. The whole thing was an enormous spectacle and made captivating viewing from up here I can tell you. Even as we speak Moses is finalising details for a mini-series. He’s been yakking with Cecil B. DeMille.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” replied Noah. He then turned away and headed for home, for Noah was a totally knackered unit and in need of a long rest.
And so the Lord then kicked back and pondered over all that had been. In his heart he knew that he would never again strike down every living thing as he had done, but would strive to educate mankind. Secretly, he felt a bit of a heel for what he had done.
But the Lord consoled himself by saying, “Oh well, what’s done is done.” And with that he sat down with Mrs God and enjoyed a nice cup of tea and a scone, for he knew that he could now take it easy for a while. He knew it would take many years, lots of candle-lit dinners, drive-in movies and Holden back seats for the world to be re-populated again.
So endeth The Tale of Noah…