Get_your_Teenager_to_Talk_to_You_
How to Get Your Teen to Talk…
By
David C. Johnson, M. Ed, LSAC
CEO, San Cristobal Treatment Center
Copyright1011 by DavidCJohnson. JohnsonDavidC
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About the Author
Dave is married, the father of a little girl, and owner of a program for young adult men. He enjoys golf, reading, working and has completed over 10 triathlons. He has spent the past 20 years working with ‘at risk’ young people.
Background
Dave grew up in the suburbs of Chicago, obtained his Bachelor’s Degree in History from Elmhurst College, and his Masters in Education Leadership from Northern Arizona University. He has been everything from a dishwasher to a teacher, director, manager, COO and CEO.
He grew up with loving parents and enjoyed a middle class life. At the age of 13, Dave’s sister was sent to a ‘boarding school’ for two years after repeatedly running away and drug use. At the age of 15, Dave’s parents divorced. Both had attended treatment for alcoholism. Dave attended treatment at the age of 28 and has been sober ever since.
A Philosophy Based On Experience
Dave’s successful philosophy for working with young adults is based on his real life, personal experience -- from counseling with parents, daily schedules, family workshops, addiction treatment counseling, education counseling, fitness and meals, to all aspects of how to face the challenge of changing your life and take responsibility for your life.
Dave has devoted his life to helping young people take control of their lives. He has worked with parents, addressed such issues as addiction and education or career counseling, and he is an expert at helping young people accept accountability for their lives.
Introduction
After 20 years of working with ‘resistant’ young people, I have come to believe in a couple of simple concepts. I am not a therapist, child psychologist, drill sergeant and, until recently, I wasn’t even a parent. What I was, and still am, is a person who interacts with young people who are usually not happy with themselves, their parents, their life, or anything else for that matter.
What I realized after a few years was that I successfully got them to participate and ‘try’ what I was selling. Yes, as a parent, coach, teacher, administrator, and in general ‘the guy in charge’ you might say that it was easy. But, if you are reading this, you must be one of those people having a hard time getting your kid, class, team, whatever to ‘buy in.’ All this book is trying to do is to give you a couple ideas on how to gain participation.
Another thing is that I am not an author. I have a strong opinion and will say what I believe. If you don’t like it, put the book down, it was free, and go back doing whatever you were doing. My business is life and death. Parenting is too, so far as I am concerned. Some of the things that I am going to suggest work; they just do. Try them. If you follow the instructions, and they don’t work, call me. I will talk you through it. But if you don’t follow the instructions, this technique is not going work. Don’t call me, since it is your fault, and don’t blame me. That is how strongly I believe in what I am going to tell you. Good luck.
CHAPTER 1: The Gold
How do I get my teenager/young adult to participate in a difficult decision, discussion, or life-changing event?
This is like a late night sales pitch, the 100% GUARANTEED way to get your kid to talk. No joke. I really think this has worked for me every single time I have used it. Of course, after a few times I really knew how to ‘tee it up.’ Preparation is key, you just can’t go into it without some thought, so a couple ground rules…
The situation is that you are having a hard time communicating with your kid. Doesn’t matter how old they are, within reason. This technique has worked with my 4-year old daughter and my 75-year old father (long story), so we have a wide range to work in as far as I am concerned. (Don’t think less of me by using my family as guinea pigs, LOL.)
Note: you must read Chapter Two if you are going to try this out, it is a package deal. If you try it out without the information provided in Chapter 2, do me a favor: stop reading and throw this book out. Thanks….
What I am talking about may be serious. Something has happened or is about to happen. Your son has just been suspended from school. Your daughter is pregnant. They are using drugs. You are getting divorced. Serious stuff. What you need now is for your child to sit down and participate in a conversation that won’t turn out to be screaming, cursing, or to be pointless and counterproductive.
Okay, here is it. It is simple. Don’t overcomplicate it. It is one sentence. Don’t get caught up in semantics:
“We are going to make some decisions about your life, would you like to join?”
Variations may include:
“Your dad and I are going to talk about your future and make some decisions, would you like to join?”
“I am going to meet with your teacher and make decisions about your future, can you participate like the adult you say you are?”
The usual response will be ‘This is BULLSHIT’…
Don’t freak out. Be calm. Don’t engage. Just ask for an answer. It is going to be ‘YES, HELL YES, you can’t do that without me!!!’
Set a time for the conversation. Make it at least 10 minutes after your child agrees to talk. Say you have to make coffee, go to the bathroom, make a phone call, WHATEVER. You must give your kid the chance to process. They are not adults; they can’t just put all their thoughts together immediately. What happens with ‘cornered’ is ‘fight or flight.’ If you commence the conversation immediately following the statement, it will be confrontational. They must have the chance to process the fact that this is about to go down.
Tell them to write down some thoughts. It is a proven fact that the brain processes thoughts differently when writing is involved. They can even go type it out on their computer, whatever. They can and will put some thought into this…
CHAPTER 2: Rules… negotiable vs. non-negotiable
So great, you get your teen to sit down and talk. Now what?????
I like to say ‘I am not Monty Hall, I don’t make deals.’ This usually is met with confusion, like ‘who the hell is Monty Hall? ’ (I am old). And actually, this statement is not true as I make a lot of deals.
One thing a young person experiences is a lot of rules. Many of these rules are made up because someone before them has screwed up or they are too young to make an appropriate decision, hence the rule.
A major way to get your teen, team, class, etc to adhere to ‘rules’ without a huge battle is let them make the rules. Before you freak out and think that is crazy let me explain.
What you do prior to any conversation is sit down and determine what are ‘negotiable vs. non-negotiable’ rules.
If this is at home, meet with your partner and hammer out a list. There are going to be several things that you believe very strongly that you won’t bend on, but there might also be some that you can be flexible with. This is also a good exercise for couples to see where they stand on a variety of issues. They can argue debate, negotiate between themselves and come to a compromise without fighting in front of the kids. Examples of rules to discuss depend on age, topic, and audience. Let’s use young kids first. TV watching, candy, video games, computer/Internet use, texting, cell phones, you get the point. After discussion with your partner, you may decide you don’t want your kid having a cell phone until they are in high school. This is non-negotiable. You just believe strongly about it. Computer usage is another easy one that will become an argument. You need to decide what your bottom line allowance is. Is it two hours a night? No limit? What is it?
My point is that you have to have a ‘baseline’ that you CANNOT waiver on.
If you do cave and ‘give in’ this conversation is over, throw this book out and go back to whatever you were doing because you are screwed.
Okay, now the conversation. Lay out the ground rules: This discussion is going to be about ‘house rules’ and we are going to cover homework time, computer time, and TV time.
Clearly say that we, as parents, have determined some guidelines on some of these items and the others are open to negotiations. First thing they will say is ‘can’t we negotiate all of them?’ and you say NO. (See the golden rule above).
Start with ‘softballs.’ Make sure you put in a couple you know you will give in on so they can get a ‘win’ and feel they are part of the decision-making. If you know you are going to be met with huge resistance on the cell phone thing, start with TV time and Internet.
Lay out the tough ones. This is very important: say what you want and then SHUT UP.
I had sales training a long time ago and one of the major things taught about negotiations was after the salesperson gave the cost of the item, the next person to speak was the one who would pay more. The general rule is ‘next person who speaks, loses.’ When you are talking to your teen about something you consider ‘non negotiable’ and you give your answer, this rule applies.
Please remember, this is not a debate you are in charge. You are not here to ‘make a deal’ you are here to be a parent.
You have met them on several items, some of which you may not even be happy with the outcome.
More to Come:
CHAPTER 3: Diffuse the resistance
Specific techniques on how to communicate with your child in ‘confrontational’ issues and have it be productive.
CHAPTER 4: What is important to your teen?
Money, power, sex, respect, love? What is driving your child?
CHAPTER 5: Respect
All young teens want ‘respect.’ What the hell does that mean? How do you get your child to respect you?
CHAPTER 6: Parents – too involved, not enough, or misunderstood?
Assess what has happened and where to go now.
CHAPTER 7: Make a decision
Take control. Gain love.