Dear May
Dora Achieng’ Okeyo
Published by Dora Achieng Okeyo at Smashwords
©2011 Dora Achieng’ Okeyo
Thank you for downloading this free ebook. You are welcome to share it with your friends. This book may be copied and distributed for non-commercial purposes provided the book remains in its complete original form. If you enjoyed this book, please visit Smashwords.com for a sequel by the author. Thank you for your support.
Dear May,
I messed up and I am sorry.
What can I do to make it up to you? Tell me what you want me to do to make things better and I will do just that. I received your letter and kept it in my closet. It must have been there for three months, but I had to write back didn’t I?
The last handwritten letter I wrote was in high school. I hate writing because unlike you I was gifted with sloppy, ugly, slanting and unreadable handwriting. I hope you bear with me one more time.
I love you May because you are beautiful, intelligent and so full of joy. You share your time and joy with everyone around you. You also don’t fall prey to the demands of others. May, you have every right to be mad at me and I understand why. I also understand why you could hate me so much because I have hurt you so many times. However, I do not understand you because one minute you say this and the next the other. I am a simple guy and to read in between the lines is a chore. If you have something to say just say it May, why would you write a letter to the whole world at what God knows place only to say how horrible I am? Is it a break-up letter or a pause letter? Is our relationship on pause again? Or have you finally decided to cut me loose? I need the bottom line May. Just tell me are we still together or are we officially over?
Melanie, when I read about her I couldn’t help but choke. We had already talked about her. Do you remember the 30th of December 2009 at our place? Yes May, I am also good with dates.
I told you all about her and how she kept the pregnancy hidden from me. You did not say a word but only smiled. It was at that moment that I knew you were the one for me. If you’d have been any other girl, you would have slapped me or insulted me and walked away crying. Instead you sat there and asked me one question after the other. You interrogated me May and I let you do so. We talked about her and the boy whom you came to know as Leonardo.
It was you who decided to put our relationship on pause. If I am to recall, you said “I will be your friend, till you sort out your mess.”
I agree that I am the most quiet person May. I know that there were times when I would not call or reply your mails because I simply never had the time. I was busy getting my grades on track and taking care of Melanie and Leonardo’s demands. I could not get you out of my mind then May and you are very wrong to conclude that I never did care. I do care May and frankly speaking I cannot stop thinking about you and how much I hurt you. I really want to make things right, but I don’t know how because everything I have done so far has not worked. I wish I could go back in time and make things right but I know it is impossible. I wish I could say something to make it all right, but I cannot and I still pray that you forgive me.
So, are we just friends or are we best of friends?
You asked me if I came up with the Melanie incident just because you couldn’t have sex with me, and I simply don’t know what to say to that. Truth is Melanie exists and so does Leonardo. They have nothing to do with me after I discovered that Melanie lied to me. I do not want to dwell on her because she is the reason we broke up. She was jealous of what we had and as such she went ahead and claimed I was the Father of her son.
I will tell you again that it was a fling. May not every girl you see walking on the streets or on campus is like you. They do not think or dress like you. For some girls like Melanie, one night stands and casual sex is what they want from a guy. I happened to be wasted that day and I gave into her desire for sex. I am not a predator May and your letter made it look like I am one. I hang out with guys who love to have casual sex. All men do that, guess it is genetics. I do not know how you can defend Melanie yet she lied to keep me from you. I will not ask you twice because you think differently and I want to be spared from a lecture, where I will look the fool and offender.
I do grab a beer or two with my friends. I still love taking some cold Pilsner and hitting the clubs every Fridays. I do not do so at times when I am broke or when exams are around the corner. May, you do not understand me and at times I feel as though you are shielded. You have this strong brick wall around you that I cannot penetrate. I am often left thinking of what to do or what to say around you May. You are like some spellcheck that would tell me I’m wrong even before I finish saying what I want to. If you recall what I told you once at a restaurant, I said that at times while talking to you I feel afraid. You have this cloud around you that somehow makes me rethink my every thought and move.
You do have a good memory and that much I do know. Why do we have to talk about primary school and my reluctance to lift my hand? Anyway, I am sorry I caused you such stress that led up to your stomach ulcers. I was a kid back then and I have grown. I am more mature now and I get to make my own decisions.
I remember our first kiss May and I loved it. I had asked you for a chance and when I kissed you, you kissed me back. That night will forever be on my mind because it was the best night of my life. May, the long distance relationship we had did not work well for me. There were times when I would miss you or at times call you only to be told you were unavailable. May how many times did I ask you to travel just six hours to visit me? How many times did you refuse and bluntly tell me you’d not risk your classes for me? How many times did I ask you if you loved me? How many times did you bluntly take time in telling me how you feel? Talking of affection, didn’t I do my best only to be told that you do not believe in public display of affection? May, what I do not get is exactly where I went wrong with us. Forget about Melanie and Leonardo for a while here; focus on our one year relationship, where did I go wrong? What didn’t I do to make you feel like a Queen? What didn’t I do to prove my dedication?
I love watching football. I support the best team ever and you do share my interest. Do you remember the time we went to watch a game together and how you sat at the back talking to my sister? I wanted to watch that game with you. I wanted you seated by my side, but you shied away from that and took the seat adjacent to my sister. You did have fun talking to her as me and the guys watched the game. Man-U is a great team and though we are fans at different levels that much I am sure of.
May, we have known each other since primary school. We have also known each other for all the right reasons. Talking of our friend, Elsie, yes-she did act weird when she saw me at your place once. Do you remember when she came to visit you and saw me how she retreated? You had to walk out of the room to plead with her to come into the house. Everyone including your sister found her behavior suspicious. Did you ever ask her why she did that? Did you ever bother probing until you had a straight answer from her? Well, if you are still friends, please ask her-maybe she might give you an answer contrary to your assumption in the letter you sent me. Talking of the girl who wrote me a letter while you were in school, what’s there to say about her? She mistook my friendship for affection and as such wrote that. I read that letter in your presence because I wanted you to know there was nothing to hide. I never did have a relationship with her and never will. I am glad that she is already married now and has three children.
I know my family better than you do and I will reserve my comments on your opinion. There are certain phrases in your letter May that I do not agree with. There’s the part you say “you wanted a modern girl, the one who would say she loved you after one peck. I wanted a man who would understand my feelings.” I thought of our relationship May and it dawned on me-did you ever really love me May? Did you ever fully fall in love with me? Of course at this point you will ask me about love and what I know of it. You would twist it around and make it sound like a stupid question, but it still is a question May. I cannot deny the fact that I loved you and I took my time to seek you. I did everything right and constantly asked you how you felt. I did everything I could May-I even tried climbing that brick wall that surrounds your heart. How do you define a modern girl? For to me she is not the one who admits to loving a guy after a peck. A modern girl is one who does not string a guy along waiting for the one time she would admit that she loves him. She knows how she feels and she says it no matter what. You are not a modern girl. You are not a conservative girl. You are something different and beautiful May. You speak your mind with such clarity and do the same for your feelings. You must be the one person I know who doesn’t mince your words. It is because of this that I worked hard at building our relationship. I did my best May and on reading your letter, it hurt me to realize that all my actions were deemed futile. It is sad that you only saw them as ‘flashes of affection,’ and not the real thing. You confessed that you are so mad you could slap the life out of me, well May, no need for that because you already did when you said you would not grant me a second chance.
You are not a fixer, you’re just perfect and there is a difference. I still hit the club and have a few Pilsners here and there that much I shall not deny. Where will the alcohol be ten years from now? I don’t know because even the next minute is not guaranteed.
I cannot be who you want to me to be May, because I will be a version you created. I know that I said you are not a fixer and this much I can prove. You let me hang out with my friends and even joined me at the club when I came to visit you. You always listened and I loved it when you introduced me to your cousin as your ‘husband.’ That was real and that was affection May because you did not fight back the words. You were so bent on looking perfect that you never did stop to ask if indeed you were in the relationship. The double side was you May. It was you because you never let your guard down-it was as though I was a pit stop, just one guy who would lead you to another. You expect me still to be something great-it is something you see, but something I do not wish for or want to do. Everyone has a course in life and they do things that either keep them on course or take them off it. I have my course May and you cannot force me or dictate where I step or how I step at certain times. After sometime in the relationship May, you saw my weaknesses and you did your best to support me, I am grateful for that. I am grateful for the numerous times you told me I was intelligent and that any mess I created I could be able to clean it up. It was during such times that I was at peace. However May, I am me- and not a picture perfect version and for that I shall stick to my course and do as I deem fit.
Your friend Grace has different notions of love and for that I leave her to you. How are your other friends? The ones you introduced me to, how are they doing? Hope you are still good friends.
I wish you well May, simply because I know that you will get what you want in the end. You always get what you want. I however have to get back to my friends now. There’s a party going down at Sizzler’s and I hear it is going to be one to remember. Till then, take care and have a wonderful week.
I wish you well with your studies and with everything else that you venture in. I do hope that you will laugh more and move on as you most certainly seemed bent on in your letter.
Have a good week; I have to go now, for my life awaits me.
Later, Yellow.
About the Author:
Dora loves handwritten letters and listening to good music. She would however be found in the company of good books and few guys.
You can find her online at: http://twitter.com/herhar and http://www.dora-jodie.blogspot.com
6